"Sometimes the things we can't change end up changing us."

I had therapy yesterday and she pointed out to me that I never give myself any credit. I downplay everything because I think normal people do "life" on a regular basis, every day, like it's nothing. So what if I can do it for a day or a week or a month? Big whoop dee do.

There's been a lot of..... upheaval.... in my life recently.

I didn't get the job I truly thought I was going to get. I didn't realize how much I deep down thought it was mine. And to not get it for an incredibly stupid reason... *sigh*.  I've just accepted it. It is what it is. They made their decision and I have to move on. Because anything else would lead to resentment and anger and bitterness and, eventually, drinking. So, yah. Let that shit go.

My brother is living with me for who knows how long. All of you know, I would do anything for him. I love living with him. His dog, not so much, but it's easier because Ben is here to deal with him, too. He isn't all my responsibility. And yes, my house is now covered in cat AND dog fur (man, I need to get Garfield shaved!) and my house now smells like dog and my new furniture is covered in sheets because of dog.... but I can deal with all of that to help my brother. He's the only person on the planet for which I would move a dead body.

But.... it's an adjustment. It's easier than I thought it would be. And this is when my therapist would say, "you're not giving yourself enough credit... there have been times you wouldn't be handling this at all. Look at all you're doing". 

Eh. So what?

And lastly, my friend who I've spent so much time with over the past 6 months is sitting in jail awaiting sentencing. We texted each other all day every day. We spoke on the phone if we didn't see each other. We saw each other at least twice a week. We went junk store shopping, Walmart shopping, watched movies together, made meals, went fishing, etc, etc, etc.  And while he drove me nuts mostly all the damn time, there's now a gaping hole where he used to be. Again, I'm handling it just fine, probably because we had spent a lot of time together his last week and I was ready for a break.... which sounds horrible, I know. Who would welcome someone going to jail just so they could get a break from them, lol? Me, that's who. I'm a horrible person. If you haven't figured that out by now, I don't know who you think I am.

But.... it's an adjustment.

And I'm working on Step Four: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Again.

It's been almost 7 years since I did my first Step Four and things appear clearer today than they did then. I'm much more open to listening to my sponsor, but realize I don't have to accept or agree or put into action anything she says.  She's wise beyond her years and most of what she says, I am in awe of, but there are still times when I'm like, "No, that's not true. No, that isn't right. No, I'm not like that."  AA-ers tend to lump everyone together. We are very similar, true. But we are not all the same.

My Step Four this go 'round is more difficult. It isn't about berating myself. That's easy to do. It's about looking at those things in me, in my life, that I want to change. And I realized what those big things were re-reading my journals awhile back. 

Change is fucking hard and scary. So I'm looking at me and my life and realizing the hurtful things I've done to people that I never realized were hurtful until now (think "sex conduct") and having to face an Amy I don't like to face. The real Amy. The Amy who is selfish and self-seeking and subconsciously trying to fill a void in her she doesn't even realize she has. This is the Amy who is stubborn and unforgiving and hurtful and who pushes people away who get too close to the real Amy. This is the Amy who hides who she is. This is the Amy full of bravado and false confidence.... who doesn't see her value or worth and doesn't respect herself enough. This is the Amy who has an acid tongue and lacks empathy and will cut you down to get her way. 

She's an ugly Amy.

But... it has to be done. Nothing is going to change unless I go through this process.  I don't want to be the same person next year that I am today. There's been enough.  Enough of that. It's time to let go of old patterns and begin new, healthy ones. I'm ready. Or,  at least, I tell myself I am. The process isn't pretty and a lot of people drink at Step Four because they judge themselves throughout.  I'm attempting not to judge. I'm attempting to deliberately and without persecution, openly look at my errors and let them go. Let that person go.

As my sponsor would say, there are two types of change: the butterfly and the snake. The butterfly changes abruptly and dramatically from a caterpillar to a beautiful butterfly. Dramatic. Like, an AA-er has this epiphany or spiritual awakening and is never the same again. 

A snake sheds its skin. It's the same snake, but when the layer of skin gets uncomfortable and tight, it sheds it.... And then it's slimy and raw in its fresh skin... and it's a continuous process.

That's me. I'm the snake. I'm not going to have a dramatic epiphany. I'm not suddenly overnight going to become a new and different person. It's going to be a long process that I will continually have to work at.... but it'll be worth it.

Right?

So, yes, there has been a lot going on over the past few weeks - some of it good, most of it bad - and yet, here I am, still functioning.  I credit Lamictal.  My therapist would chastise me for that.

Give me time. I'm a work in progress. 

"Never underestimate the power of thought."

I'm going to start with the not-so-good and end on the possibly-good.

Over the past month, I've felt good...for the most part.  But randomly and not very often, I get this wave of emptiness that overtakes me. It hits out of nowhere and generally doesn't linger very long. Minutes. But when it hits, I feel as if my heart has left my body. Or my soul has departed. Or there's just this great vast abyss inside me that opens up ever so briefly to make sure I know it's still there.

It comes out of nowhere. And it departs the same. The first time it happened, I thought, "Eh. Okay. No big deal. This doesn't mean anything. Maybe I just need water." Lol. The second time, my thoughts were more like, "Ok, what the fuck is going on?" And then I drank some more water. As if it helps. The third time, I admit, my thinking went to "Uh-oh. I may be in trouble." I see it as a foreboding of something not-so-good.

Depression.

I updated my resume last week and I realized, March is really not a good month for me. It's funny how I've never really noticed that before. I left a construction company in March. I left the church in March. I left the law firm in March. One year, I was hospitalized in early February, which is close enough to March to make me wonder.

So what's up with March?

Basketball does screw with my television viewing so maybe it's to blame!

Winter doesn't depress me. I don't have Seasonal Affective Disorder. I love the cold and the dark and the snow. Summer depresses me, yes. So maybe March signifies Spring and the oncoming Summer. I've never really looked into it, to be honest, because I just realized the correlation last week. Below are a couple of links that at least make me feel less....crazy?

Reverse SAD

When Spring Brings You Down

So! There's that! Whoo hoo. Knowledge is power, right? Being aware is important so I'm glad I've got that.

Let's move onto the possibly-good-news because I don't want to dwell on the not-so-good.

Last Tuesday, I interviewed at a distribution company in a town not so far away from my little hamlet for an assistant buyer position. I didn't really hold out much hope. I wasn't even sure it was something I could do, let alone have an interest in. I'm still not sure about that. :) It had snowed pretty good the day before and was supposed to start snowing again around the time the interview would end, so I was debating about whether or not to even go!  I went. The roads were fine. I didn't even encounter a single flake. The interview went well. They said they'd make a decision Thursday.

They called Wednesday morning first thing and offered me the job.

Apparently I did something right.

I don't want to put too much emphasis on this, but I'm giving some credit (which is a big step for me, as you well know) to Wicca and the power of thought. I requested assistance clearing my debt and while nobody dropped a load of money in my lap at one time, a job is a way of clearing my debt (or so I've been told). So, yeah. Power of thought. I do believe in that.

I start the new gig tomorrow a.m. and am anxious and nervous and not really all that excited and mostly I just want to get through the next 2 months without losing my shit and be a productive member of society and not disappoint another employer and my parents and my friends and anyone else I consistently disappoint by being unemployed. Whew.

I've been having lunch with 2 former co-workers from the law firm once a month and we plan to do it again in March. I think that helps. To have something to look forward to because I really do have fun with those 2. I began a new workout (HIIT Strength & Cardio) via YouTube a few weeks ago. It kicks my ass and I love it. Here's the link if you're interested. HIIT Fitness Blender

Speaking of which, one of my friends asked me "How do you do it?" as in how do I stay fit. I started telling her about going on the low carb diet, what exercises I started with, what I advanced to, where I'm at now, what I eat now and she said I should start a blog about it.

What a grand fucking idea!

So I'm pondering it. Let's see how tired I am after pulling all-dayers (no naps) for 5 days straight. If I have any energy after 5PM on any given day, I'll be shocked.

That's all the news I have to date, folks, and Celebrity Big Brother is on so I'm off to watch these idiots.

Love & light & all that shit, :)
Me

Good Grief!

The next time I think it's a good idea to paint something....anything....remind me I'm not young anymore. Everything will hurt. Everything does hurt. Ugh!

Remember I volunteered Dad & myself to make the Snoopy doghouse and Lucy's "psychiatric help" stand for the library's Christmas theme?

Here's what we started out with:

Two big boxes from the local HVAC company (thanks to Affordable!). Here's what Dad helped to create:

Plus Lucy's "stand" (no pic)

And after I worked my magic:

Put the workbench to good use last night painting this sign!

I made "IN" & "OUT" signs to thumbtack on. 

LOL, you can tell my basement is totally covered in red. I used a lot of paint!

Honestly, I can't believe how good they look in these pictures! I'm incredible! :) Are all the words spelled correctly, because "PSYCHIATRIC" just doesn't look right? You know how when you stare at a word so long, it starts to look wrong. "When" and I have a lot of issues. It just never seems right...and now I can add "psychiatric" to the list of "I'm crazy"....

Let's see - that's 4 coats of paint for every item, plus a fat-lot-of duct tape because I must have gotten a dud roll of duct tape. It kept coming undone! Dad suggested placing a dab of glue under the loose tape so that's what I did...plus I bought a roll of red duct tape for the doghouse. That sucker's not falling apart (yeah, right...)! For the words I found the Peanuts font on-line, downloaded it to my computer and created the signage. I then taped it into place and traced the letters (hard!) which left indentations. Then I just outlined and filled in the words with paint on-hand. 

I'm going to do another coat of paint for the words but the hard part's done - tracing. My hand is in the shape of a turkey claw and I have a callous on my middle finger. I must hold my pencil weird. I'll be ecstatic when these bastards are done, lol. 

I start the new job tomorrow! I keep realizing all these silly things...I no longer have to look for a job! I don't have to search Iowa Jobs or the local newspapers or the Shopper for ads! What a relief! And over the last year (& longer), every time I'd see a preview for a new television show that I wanted to watch, e.g. "The Walking Dead, October 12th", I'd think to myself, "I'm going to have a job by then!". Do you know how many new shows have come on t.v. that I've thought that about? Numerous. Too many to count. Ah! But now! Now I do have a job! I can't tell you how excited, nervous, anxious, scared-to-death I am. I just want to remain healthy and happy and not be walloped by a bout of anxiety or depression or anything else. I hope my brain has only good things in store for me! I'm ready....I'm ready to live!

I'm sure there's more to write about, but seriously....I need to rest my hands & fingers. It'd be a bad impression to start a new job to transcribe and not be able to move my fingers...

"I recently applied for a part-time job at a mental hospital. Now I'm there full-time and they won't let me leave."

It's official!

“Hide not your talents, they for use were made, What's a sundial in the shade?” ― Benjamin Franklin

Ahhhhhhhhh

I can breathe again!

Well, not in the literal sense. I still can't breathe. In fact, I'm breathing through my mouth right now, slack-jawed, probably have drool dripping down my chin. So, no, literally, I cannot breathe...

But figuratively! Yes! I can breathe! What.A.Relief!

I applied for this job September 4th. I'd seen the ad in our weekly Shopper. It was for Cambridge Law Firm in Atl as a secretary with legal assistant/paralegal experience preferred. I didn't have the preferred experience, but come on, the criminal justice degree has to count for something, right?

I didn't hold out much hope. In fact, I did little to prepare for the first interview. I did get my interview binder in order. Made sure I had my most recent resume in there along with the cover letter. I even washed my interview attire the day before to make sure nothing reeked of smoke. I didn't smoke on the way to the interview. But I didn't hold out much hope.

Obviously. Remember my post one-reason-that-cats-are-happier-....? I was sure I hadn't gotten the job and awaited a rejection letter in the mail. Then I got the phone call for a second interview and boy, did I ever prepare for that one. I washed all my clothes again. I googled "How to Sell Yourself" because I was pretty sure I did a piss-poor job of that the first time around. I googled "second interview questions". I printed them out. I answered all of them. I memorized "Why I'm Great!" I made a "Kick.Some.Ass." CD to listen to on the way there. I printed off motivational sayings to remind me...I.Am.Great.

They didn't really ask me any questions. But I was confident, lol!

They wanted me to clarify some things and then had me transcribe a letter via dictaphone. I was a little nervous as it had been probably 10 years since I'd used one and I did have a second of "how do I stop this thing so I can finish a sentence?" but figured it out easily enough. Done and done. I practically begged the attorney I handed my finished product to to "please please keep me in mind for this job...I could do that all day!" She laughed and said they "were very impressed with my credentials". Which to me means, "you're overqualified and we think you're going to be bored so you don't have a shot in hell..."

I left feeling ok. Not great, but ok. And then I started to imagine getting the job and sharing the news and finally not feeling like a drain on society....I emailed my Aunt Hope I-don't-know how many times asking her to help me prepare for the inevitable...crushing disappointment. In fact, one hour before I got the call, I'd just emailed her saying, "If they don't call tonight...I didn't get it...I'm driving myself insane..." and probably her, too.

And then my cell phone voicemail beeped and I scrambled to find a spot in my house where I could get service (I may have to leave TracFone) and I anxiously listened to her message saying "We've finished our interviews. We had a lot of qualified applicants, blah, blah, blah (seriously, I thought this was a pity call at first) and we'd like to offer you the job..." And then I have no idea what she said because I ran to find their phone number and call her back ASAP because it was almost 5 o'clock. The first words out of my mouth were, "Did you really offer me the job?!?" She's probably regretting her decision.

She said...I don't know what. I was the most qualified. The most enthusiastic. I presented myself so well. My credentials were excellent.

Finally! Finally! Finally! I'm good enough!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I start in two weeks (Oct. 20th). Hours are M & T 8-5, W 7:30-5, R 8-5 and F 8-4:30. I'm pretty sure I get an hour lunch and they made it a point to say that they give employees 15 minutes every 4 hours for a break. I get insurance! I think they pay 100% because I remember saying what a big deal that was. The one attorney (there are 3) laughed and thanked me because a lot of people don't understand how much a company pays for insurance for their employees. I do. I get it. I'll never take it for granted again. There's life insurance, 401(k) (vested after 1 year). Vacation, sick, PTO. I don't know what else.

I'd be brimming with excitement if I didn't feel like such shit.

On the other hand...it was pretty darn exciting telling Mom & Dad. I called over to the house, calmly, to make sure they were both home. I said to Dad, "I need to talk to both of you. I'll be over..." almost glumly. I didn't want to ruin the surprise! So I get over there and Dad's on the phone...so wait, wait, wait and then they both looked at me anxiously like, "What hot mess is she in now?" Dad said to Mom to turn the t.v. off or down and then I just blurted it out. I am not subtle. I GOT A JOB! I think Dad may have even teared up and Mom asked, "The real question is...do you have to deal with people?" to which I laughed and said, "No! Isn't it perfect?!?" LOL. It was a moment I won't forget.

I have the best parents in the world. Over these last two years, they've supported me financially, emotionally...keeping me busy, helping me out...but most importantly, not pressuring me. No pressure. Not once did they say "NO" to my request for money. Not once did they say "We're not paying that..." Not once. And especially this past year...No "why don't you apply for that job?" or "are you even applying for jobs?" Nothing. They've just been unconditionally supportive of me. You can't find that anywhere else. There's really no place like home.

So.Damn.Happy.

"How badly you want something dictates how hard you'll work at it."

Finally, finally, finally...

I GOT A JOB!

I've worn myself out being so excited about it (plus not being able to breathe through my nose is draining me) so I'm too tired to be witty and smart but I promise to write all about it tomorrow...