Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

So.

To continue the ongoing, but hopefully over, drama of intimate relationships in AA....

I blocked AA guy's texts and phone calls after I made my apology to him and he flipped me off. I figured he wouldn't stop texting me. I was right because even though my phone doesn't show any text messages or phone calls (it will allow voicemails), my notification software still displays his contact image when he sends a text. I've since changed his contact image to

Just to be clear, I would never cause physical harm to anyone at any time.

But it is funny.

After his contact image showed up again after the Steelers v. Patriots game (he's a Pats fan, I'm Steelers, so I can only imagine what his message was....), I sent him a message letting him know I had blocked him and that I wasn't receiving any of his messages and that not engaging with each other is for the best and I wish him well. 

That worked because there's been no attempt at contact since.  Tho, it has only been one day.  Give him time to figure out another way to get at me.

Anywhoo, I chaired the meeting in my little hamlet yesterday morning as usual and was nervous as hell.  Because 1. I had no idea if this guy would have the balls to show up - I wouldn't have put it past him, and 2. I had decided to express my apologies to the group if I had caused any of them harm personally or if I had caused harm to the group (as he stated to me I did). 

He didn't show up, thank goodness.

I had written out what I wanted to say because if I had just spoken on the fly, I never would've gotten it all out.  I cried. Of course I cried. I felt like a fucking idiot for getting myself into this position. I was mortified. I was embarrassed. I was incredibly remorseful.

I basically apologized. I didn't use any names. I didn't go into any detail. I simply said I was sorry but that words were cheap and I hoped they would allow me the opportunity to show my true intent in walking through any door into an AA meeting - to stay sober, to be in fellowship with other alcoholics and to lend a helping hand when I can. 

I said that I knew my intentions had been questioned and even my sobriety and the length of my sobriety had been questioned.  While I would not discuss this individual because I believe in keeping people's confidences, I would be happy to share my personal story with anyone who wanted to hear it.

I'm not sure I've ever been so sorry....sober.  I don't know. I can't remember.  But I sure as hell am sorry for this.

Everybody that was there was supportive and helpful when it was their time to share and all said they would be back.  We'll see, I guess. 

I had said in order to rectify the situation, it might be best for me to step away from some meetings.  I know that I can compartmentalize things pretty easily, meaning, if he & I were both at a meeting (like last Saturday), I could pretty easily treat him like any other person in AA.  However, if he were to make any remarks or comments directed at me, I'm not sure I would have the ability to sit there and shut up.  You know me. *eye roll*  And I don't think he's able to compartmentalize like I can. So, it might be best for me to step away for a bit and let shit cool down.

I'm not in danger of drinking.  I don't think I am, anyway. I don't feel like I am. I have other meetings I can go to.  He's new-ish to the program. He needs those meetings more than I do.  He doesn't have a way to get to any other meetings. They're very important to him.  They're important to me, too, but less so.  So that seems like a way I can make a proper amends to him....by removing myself from some meetings so he's able to attend comfortably.  Not that he'll see it that way, but whatever.

I hated making that apology during a meeting, but what better time to do it than during an AA meeting, right? We're supposed to talk about what's weighing on our hearts in order to help us stay sober. We're supposed to share how we stay sober in spite of challenges. I felt a great sense of relief afterward. That makes me feel like it was a selfish thing to do.  I think most apologies are. They're difficult to make but I do them to release the anguish I feel for the mistakes I make. Carrying that guilt with me will surely send me to a drink. I don't really feel any guilt, tho. Or shame. I didn't intentionally cause harm. I didn't intentionally seek anyone out for sex (I have, don't get me wrong...just never at an AA meeting). What it comes down to is my intent. I didn't intentionally mean to do anyone wrong. I did, tho, and that's what I take responsibility for.

I've kept to myself today, tho I did go for an early morning walk just to get outside and get some exercise. I didn't feel like spending time in my basement was going to cut it this morning. I needed to breathe fresh air and enjoy the sparkle of frost on the trees and watch the sun rise. I can see how I could easily get down in the dumps if I don't keep at the things that I know work for me.  Not isolating. Staying busy. Being productive. Looking for work. Reaching out to friends. Actually spending time with them. Keeping a positive attitude. Exercise. Sleep. Eating healthy.

Yes, Christmas is going to be tough.  The folks are down south. We've already had our family Xmas. I don't have any plans except to watch holiday movies. It's just another day, right? That's how I have to look at it. It's just another day. What would I do any other Monday? Get my ass out of bed. Exercise. Get shit done. Take a nap. Get more shit done. Watch t.v. Read. Cuddle with Garfield. Enjoy the Xmas lights and decorations. Light some candles. Peace & Quiet. Bliss.

I'll have a meeting on Xmas Eve so there's that. And if shit gets really bad, the Big O has an Alcathon (a meeting every hour from 6PM Xmas Eve to 6PM Xmas Day).  If I get into a bad spot, I have plenty of people to reach out to who will help. 

I do want to give a shout out to "Amy's Friend" who texted me Saturday evening after reading my post. I appreciate anyone who can call me out on my shit...lovingly. Call me out on my shit any other way and I will fucking end you. But do it from a place of love and I am grateful to you. He did and I am.

"It is possible to be so ignorant that you do not know how ignorant you are."

If you don't know you're doing something, did you actually do it?

First off, I spoke to the AA guy Thursday. We went to a public place and talked and I left it at that. He was hopeful. I was less than. I picked him up for the meeting Thursday evening and 2 minutes before we got there, he told me he had spoken to another member about us (my older gentleman shopping friend) and boy, oh boy. Did that piss me off.

I told him that was a dick move. We had agreed not to involve AA in our "relationship". He chose that person on purpose because he knew we were friends. I didn't speak at that meeting and people could tell I was "off" and I ended up leaving that guy there. He could find his own way home.

He texted and apologized. I didn't respond. He texted last night that he was going through some shit and I told him to contact an AA man.

He was at the meeting this morning, which I felt really good during. I mean....really good. But afterward, he texted me again and said he needed to talk. I again told him to contact an AA man. He said it wasn't about AA.

Well, sort of.

I stopped at his place before coming home and he was a self-righteous asshole, telling me I "claim" to have 6 years sobriety, that I'm a massive manipulator, that I'm vindictive.  I think he just didn't like seeing me happy, to be honest. And fuck him for questioning my fucking 6 + years of sobriety. FUCK. HIM. I've worked my ass off for those 6 years. Just because I'm not like everyone else doesn't make me less sober, motherfucker.  AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Fuck. You. Very. Much.

I'll work my program, you work yours. Keep your own side of the street clean. Asshole.

But then he said I 13th Stepped him and I know the look on my face was, "WTF?"

I had never heard of the 13th Step or "13th Stepping someone" until today and I had to come home and google that shit.

And lo & behold, I did. I 13th Stepped that guy. I could make all sorts of excuses. I didn't even know there was such a thing as a 13th Step! He was the one who gave me his number, not the other way around. I was very clear about not wanting to date a newbie. He was persistent. Yada, yada, yada.

It's all bullshit. Because I have over 6 years in sobriety. I'm the one who should have known better. I'm the one who had the "power" because of those years and because of his newness. I put him in a very vulnerable state and did I take advantage of that? I suppose I did. I wasn't aware that's what I was doing. I thought I was simply feeding a need and he was a more-than-willing participant. 

But that's like saying a drunk 14 year old girl "consents" to having sex with an older boy.  No, no she doesn't. She's incapable of giving consent because 1. She's 14! and 2. She's drunk. HE has all of the power. She has none.

I've made my apology to him. He did not accept it. I called to make the amend and left it at that. He called me back and said he doesn't accept my apology, he doesn't want anything to do with me until I....well, he's basically trying to work my program, which doesn't ever work, so I'm gonna leave it at that. He said he's still available for a booty call. 

Um, no. Never again. Not on your life.

So I texted him that I simply wanted to make my apology. I was unaware, but that's no excuse. I should've known better. I think he's right, that we should not engage with each other anymore and that I wish him all the best.

He sent me back the

Understandable. 

However, I do believe he's attempting to manipulate me. He's a massive manipulator, which is what he claims I am as well. Perhaps I am and that's why I see through his shit so easily.  

I think what's best for me (& him & the group) is to step away from the AA meetings in that particular town. Man, I'm going to fucking miss those people, but to save my reputation and to show that I am not a 13th Stepper Predator (jesus fuck), I think that's for the best. I'll continue to chair my own meeting Sunday mornings and those who choose to come will be welcome, of course. I hope to see those from the meetings I've been attending there. 

Goddamn. How did I get into this mess? My vag, that's fucking how. Stupid vag.  She's not doing the thinking for me anymore. 

"Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them." - Margaret Atwood

Well, folks, this is going to be one brutally honest post that will leave me feeling embarrassed, ashamed, loathing myself, scared....but mostly relieved as fuck to get it off my chest and out there. It's as if once I write about some distressing incident on this blog, I can move on. Or at least try to move on. And, it doesn't hurt that someone out there in the vast world knows what's going on in my life. I tend not to personally bother anyone with my stupidity because, well, it's stupid. And I would have to come face-to-face with my embarrassment through someone else's eyes and who wants to do that? No, I'm sure it's much healthier to experience this embarrassment in the comfort of my home away from prying eyes. Much healthier. 

So, to preface....

I've blogged about a guy I'd been having trouble communicating with, someone I was trying to take the time to attempt to feel a deeper connection to because it just wasn't there.  I felt like I was trying to force a square peg into a round hole. And why? For fuck's sake, why? That might be for another post, folks, but I'm sure it comes down to...I just want to feel loved and to love. It's as simple and as complicated as that. 

Anywhoo, (and here comes only a smidgen of the embarrassing part), he's the guy from AA who is fresh in sobriety but who I had reached out my hand to help. And, with all sincerity, that's all it was to me. I had absolutely no sexual or romantic intention. None whatsoever. In fact, I found him way too somber and "off" during meetings. But he's going through a criminal case and he's in limbo and he might go to prison for a very long time (70 years, I'd heard him say) and so I felt for him. What would I do in that position? Geez, I don't even want to imagine and thank my higher power, I never got caught or killed anyone or any other heinous crime while drunk.  And he was drunk (according to him) when this incident happened.  

I didn't know what the incident was.  That was for him to tell me in his own time or not at all because honestly, I'm not there to judge. I'm a member of AA. We lend a helping hand to any alcoholic in need. 

I'm also a giant fucking idiot.

So he would text me his depressing thoughts and I would push him towards his sponsor or therapist.  And then he would have these delightfully funny moments where he was relatively normal and I would think to myself, "Yeah, I would do him." Because my brain at age 42 is wired directly to my vagina. Another smidgen of the embarrassing truth. 

I like sex. I like all of it. Thoroughly. This shouldn't surprise any of you. I hit 40, got off Depo, and my libido came raging back after being dormant for 20 years. I didn't even date for 8 years in my 30's! EIGHT FUCKING YEARS. So maybe my vag is making up for lost time, I don't know. But I cannot wait for the day(s) menopause hits and my vag dries up like the fucking Sahara desert and my libido goes *poof*.  Because being distracted by lustful thoughts can be entertaining and fun but damn. It mostly sucks. 

There's a Seinfeld episode for that. There's a Seinfeld episode for every aspect of my life. This one is called "The Abstinence". George has to refrain from sex with his girlfriend because she has mono and because George's brain is no longer distracted by sex, he becomes really, really smart. Elaine stops having sex with her boyfriend to help him get as smart as George and pass his medical exam. The flip side is that poor Elaine becomes really, really stupid. Jerry explains it best:

Jerry: To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting through. You're stupid.

So, yes, in a moment of lust and normalcy on his part, I expressed honestly what I was feeling. "I would like to have sex with you, but that's all it'll be. Can you handle that? I don't want to date you. I don't want a relationship outside of AA and the bed. Can. You. Handle. That?"  He said he could. He said he would happily fill the position of "fuckboy" in my life for as long as I wanted him to and for awhile there, it worked. 

Until he caught feels. 

Of course he did. How could he not? I'm fucking amazing. 

But....wait....

I didn't. I didn't catch feelings. Sure, there were rare moments of fun, of him acting normal, of superb sex, but 90% of the time, I found him incredibly, enormously annoying and irritating. So much so, I just wouldn't talk. I hate not talking. 

I said to my therapist, "I don't even know if I like him or not. I'm still deciding." 

He finally told me his crime a week and a half ago. I find it repulsive and disgusting and absolutely horrid. It fills me with shame and disgust. Because what kind of a fucktard am I that I would get involved with someone like this? I won't disclose his crime and won't disclose his name or any details about any of it, but.... damn. 

And then, I thought, I understand black out drunk (he told me he was blacked out). I am a black out drunk. I would drink to oblivion and not remember a damn thing the next morning. In my 20's I had a black out and woke up in bed, naked, next to a guy whose name I did not know. I still don't know it. Yes, that's horrible, but that's what my alcoholism was like. Detrimental to my health. It does not define me. It does not make me a horrible human being. It makes me very, very sick and thankfully, I got the help I needed through the grace of my parents and friends and today I can look back on that shit and think, "Thank my higher power I'm still alive today". Because I could've (should've) died many many times for all the poor decisions and bad situations I made and put myself in. 

Just as he did. And in AA, what do we do? Reach out the helping hand to any alcoholic in need. *eye roll*

And then he started saying he loved me and, again, in a moment of lust, I responded the same. 

I don't recall a time in my life when I retracted an "I love you" but thankfully, he opened the door for me to do so and I took full advantage. I told him that no, I didn't love him. And he didn't believe me, but whatever. I can't change what someone thinks. All I can do is be me and me is not in love.  

I kept trying. I kept thinking, Why not him? I couldn't for the life of me figure out what it was about our fully-clothed interactions that irritated me so damn much. I hung out with my dude neighbor friend the other night just to make sure I was still capable of having a normal conversation with a man and not get irritated. I didn't. We had fun. We always have good conversations. Whew. Glad I didn't break that. 

So, after taking 5 days away from the AA man, texting daily but not actually speaking or seeing each other, my thought was to attempt to take my selfishness out of the equation and be in service to him.  No, not to serve and obey him, but to act selfless, put aside my irritated personality and do kind things for him. 

It didn't help. I still found him enormously irritating. 

So, yesterday, after the meeting, I told him I couldn't keep doing "this". I told him the square peg into a round hole thing. It wasn't working. It wasn't going to work. He is who he is and I am who I am and we're not meant to be (which is what I'd said from the beginning). 

He said he didn't believe that. He didn't believe me. He called me a miserable, toxic person. He said I was a pathological liar. When I asked him what I'd lied about he said "Your age."  

That still makes me laugh. I have never lied about my age. I'm damn proud of being 42. 

He also said I lied about having never slept with anyone in AA. 

That isn't what I'd said. I'd said I'd never slept with anyone from a meeting before. Of course I've slept with men in AA. AA's a huge program throughout the world. There are men everywhere in AA. The likelihood of me sleeping with one of them isn't rare. I'd met a guy online, we hit it off, we found out we're both in the program but we didn't attend any of the same meetings. I've taken him to one of mine. He's taken me to one of his. We're not dating. We both know we're not right for each other in that way, but we enjoy sharing our time together when we can and if we can hit an AA meeting in the process, all the better. 

So, no, I didn't lie. I don't think I have any secrets. I'm a pretty open book. Yes, my life is private. I don't go around airing my dirty laundry. I'm protective of myself because people are assholes. But if someone outright asks me something, I have a hard time not answering them. If I'm uncomfortable doing so, I just say so... "I'm not comfortable talking about that." Simple. 

So, I took him home after telling him it was over because, of course, he can't drive. I just let him rant on and on for 20 minutes because he obviously needed to. I was silent. When he got out of the car, I said I was sorry, he kissed me, said a few more not-so-kind words and that was that. 

Until 5 minutes later, when he started blowing up my phone and continues to this morning. No kidding. I'm not going to count every single message he has sent me from 10:40am Sunday to this morning because I don't have the time, but I have screenshot every single one and am keeping them for the police, when they find my mutilated body. Maybe it'll help them solve my murder. 

So here comes the truly embarrassing part but there isn't a way to express or show you what I mean without actually showing you. 

This is where it gets bad. 

And then back to loving. 

And then just...WTF?

Again WTF WTF WTF. Chris?!? Huh?

Let me be clear here: I love sex. I am not addicted to it. There is nothing wrong with a woman enjoying sex. But perhaps I do go about it the wrong way, lol. At least I can laugh about this shit. 

Both hateful and loving at the same time. Pick a goddamn emotion and stick with it! And then minor panic set in because did he just threaten to air my dirty laundry during an AA Meeting? 

This is where he really freaked me out and I had another minor panic attack and then thought, fuck that shit. I talked to the only person I could talk to and not feel mortified and he agreed that my "no response" was the correct response. 

My folks have given up on me finding "the one". They'd be happy if I just settled, lmao. But no, not with this guy.

Um, why am I doing this? Because THIS. 

Hate, love, manipulation and then....as if all those previous posts didn't just happen the night before. 

Oh, an apology! No. Not really. It's a "sorry not sorry". Ugh.

I have not responded to a single text. Not one. And yet, it continues. 

There's a new term for this kind of behavior: BYE FELIPE

It's when a man loses his shit after a woman politely rejects him. There's an Instagram account specifically for posting the barrage of text messages women receive after rejecting a man. It's all a bit ridiculous if you ask me....and more than a little scary. 

I'm honestly waiting for him to threaten my life and then shit gets real. Maybe he has and I just don't read it that way. I don't think so. I think he's a terribly troubled man and if he needs to spew shit at me, so be it. Maybe I deserve it. Maybe I don't. I've come to terms with it over the last 24 hours and hope he finds peace somehow, someway. 

But don't for a second think that if he eludes to threatening me physically, I won't call the police. 'Cause I sure as shit will. I don't deserve to die at the hands of a psychopath. I deserve to die slipping on my kitchen rug while tossing a handful of peanut butter M&M's into my mouth as I fall onto my fat cat. 

I, of course, googled the shit out of why men get so angry when rejected (because this is by no means the first time and probably won't be the last...and other times I've gotten a response like this, it's usually been from a guy on a dating website who I'd never even met!!!) and found these articles. They're all good. 

It's the pain of male entitlement and female autonomy disregarded simultaneously.  https://www.stuffmomnevertoldyou.com/blogs/why-men-cant-handle-romantic-rejection.htm

What’s inappropriate is hounding the other person, and dominating her personal space (virtual or IRL) to the point where she is forced to acknowledge you.   https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/dear-men-women-dont-owe-you-anything_us_55d24e00e4b07addcb43c3d4

You don’t always have to catch the ball when somebody throws it at you.    The more that you ignore your ex’s “baits”, the less he will try to start conflicts with you.   Some guys would point fingers when the relationship fails, and it is usually directed to you. If you are still suffering the dilemma of “Why do guys get mad when you reject them?” don’t forget to believe in yourself and your ex’s perception of you should not define you.   https://www.enkirelations.com/why-do-guys-get-mad-when-you-reject-them.html

https://www.bolde.com/ever-said-no-guy-cant-handle-rejection/

...comes from a place of feeling powerless that is said to imply the person with more power is being immature for exercising it. It implies that saying no, saying “this is not okay with me,” or setting up a boundary is childish. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Actually, asserting what you want or what you are comfortable with is actually very mature.   http://www.thefrisky.com/2013-06-18/girl-talk-it-says-a-lot-about-a-man-if-he-cant-handle-rejection/

So, yeah, that's it. That's my shameful, embarrassing, disgusting, story for the day. 

I'd like to say I'm done with men. I'm done dating. I'm never having sex again. 

I can't say any of those things. But I can say this: I am done with this man. I am never having consensual sex with him ever again. 

I may run into him at an AA meeting. He may try to embarrass me and shame me. He may tell lies or exaggerate the truth about me. He may try. But I know in my heart of hearts what is good and true. I know I am not perfect. I made a mistake. A huge, huge mistake. I have since rectified it and learned my lesson. I apologize to the AA gods. I truly do. It won't happen again. I am humbled. 

I can't control him or what he'll do. All I can control is my reaction and my reaction is to simply not engage, to just be me, to not allow someone to make me feel less than or unworthy or as if I don't belong in AA... And if those in AA choose to believe him, that's on them. If they don't know this Dave-ism, perhaps I should share it at the next meeting...

"What Jack says about Jane says more about Jack than it does about Jane."

Yep. 

I am not going to defend myself. I will own my mistake and I will make amends for it, but I will not debate my merits. Nor will I discuss him, his behavior, actions, words, his crime, his personal life, anything he has shared with me to anyone in AA. That isn't who I want to be. I don't like gossip, I don't like people talking about me, so I won't partake in it.  

I don't know how to end this post...probably because it's not done. It isn't finished. There will be more, you can be sure of that. But as of today, I'm in a good place. I'm alive and well. I have good friends and family. I have Garfield. I have a beautiful home. I am loved and I am loving.