"Someone asked me 'Would you be friends with people who spoke to you the way you speak to yourself?' and I was fucked up for 30 minutes."

WORK

It's been a (relatively) good week. I missed 2 days because of the weather and thank the gods today is Saturday because if it was a work day, I most definitely would not have ventured outside my house. I love winter. You know I do. But man, I am terrified of driving in it. When did I become such a wuss? I watch way too much weather. As soon as I wake up, I'm watching Ryan McPike on Channel 3 and flipping to the other two stations plus the Weather Channel to try to figure out which one is right. I pull up the weather radar on my phone. I look at Iowa 511 to see how the roads are and where the plow trucks are....and if there are cameras on them, I look at the pictures.

It's too damn much.

I spoke to someone the other night and she said, "I'm a weather denier" because it doesn't do her any good so she just doesn't watch.

I can't go to that extreme. I mean, I like to know how to dress, at least.

Work was surprisingly understanding. It's such a different atmosphere as compared to my last employer. Sure, there's still gossip but I'm not a part of it nor will I be. Sure, everyone feigns the "get along" attitude but I hear so & so bitching about so & so. But there's also laughter and a lot of hard work and I just keep my head down and plug away at my work. Which I enjoy. So there's that.

But to be honest, my anxiety is out of control most mornings, my stomach has been a wreck since even before I got the job offer and hasn't gotten any better....but once I start my morning routine, I'm good to go. Tho I wish I had a dose of Xanax to ease the transition.

AA

I went to my first AA meeting in about a month in the next town over Saturday morning (before the freezing drizzle started to get bad). I haven't missed it, really. It was getting so dramatic and gossipy and judgmental which isn't helpful at all. But, I'm not able to get to my City meetings since I'm working, and running a meeting is a different feeling than attending a meeting so my meeting is more leading than sharing, and the meetings in the town I'm working in aren't until 8PM so that isn't happening. 

I needed the Saturday morning meeting. Not because I fear I'm going to drink but because it's like a check-up, a reminder. It's good to be around people who've lived my life and understand better than anyone else and can laugh when I say "In the beginning Lois said she was grateful to be sober and I would just stare at her & think 'you're so full of shit because this fucking sucks'".  And everybody laughs because they understand or they felt exactly the same way....and today I can say honestly I am truly grateful to be sober and it no longer sucks and it's no longer torment. I can say that in the beginning I had to go through a mourning phase. It was as if I had lost my best friend. I was losing this thing that had been with me for 23 years. I was losing my crutch. I was losing my escape. I had to mourn & grieve....and then see how shitty a best friend alcohol always was, and be okay to let it go. It was a good meeting, all around, and I'm looking forward to leading tomorrow's.

And some momentous news..... I got a sponsor.

Funny

She's attended meetings in the next town over and when she's free, attends the Sunday morning meeting. Her husband is almost always there. She has a lot of years in, she's funny and I just walked up to her last Sunday and asked if she'd help me walk through the steps. Because I've only done through Step 4 with the sponsor I had the first 3 months of sobriety (& then dumped) and haven't worked them since. It's been 6 1/2 years. I'm in a much better place now than I was in early sobriety. I was a gigantic mess. I'm still a mess, just not a gigantic one. I'm hopeful.... & reticent at the same time. I'm confident in my beliefs so if anyone says I "have" to believe this or I "have" to do that in order to stay sober, I'm going to take what they said into consideration, either incorporate it into my life or, more likely, thank them for their time and move on. 

Reading through the AA literature more lately because of my meeting has reminded me why I'm not an AA traditionalist. I don't believe that AA is the only way to stay sober. I don't believe that AA is the only way to become a better person. I'm not a hardcore AA person. I don't believe in God and my higher power isn't a deity. One of the readings today basically said that atheists are "unmoral" (isn't the word "immoral?) and material.  I strongly disagree. Strongly. A person doesn't need God or religion to be moral or compassionate or selfless or forgiving. 

We are not born with a belief in God. It's taught to us. 

A lot of AA is about faith and God...or a Higher Power (tho what Bill W. and Dr. Bob originally meant was, in fact, religion and God).  But if my higher power isn't the same as anyone else's higher power, then guess what? Mine is wrong and I should believe what they believe or I'm going to drink. 

I haven't drank in this long and I have no intention to drink and the tools I use to counteract any thought of drinking work for me. And that's the point. Take what works for you and leave the rest. 

Ugh. See? I'm already combative. I'm going to stop looking for trouble where there is none...yet. 

LOW CARB & LOVIN' IT

Visit if you haven't already!  I'm enjoying writing it so far and love thinking of "What's next?" or what I should write about long-term. I needed something fresh to write about.  It's helpful to me and hopefully helpful to just one other person.  I'm looking forward to writing about my workouts and the one I'm doing now & have been the past 3 weeks - HIIT Total Body Strength & Cardio workout. HIIT is High Intensity Interval Training. It kicks my ass. Literally. I do butt kickers for warm up. But seriously, I'm sore. My ass hurts. My thighs hurt. My triceps hurt. My stomach even hurts. 

Yep

I worked out 4 days last week. I'm aiming for 3 this week and 4 the next.  I have yet to break the 120 lb barrier on my scale but I tell myself "It's because you're building muscle and muscle weighs more!" *eye roll* I'd really like to see 119 lbs....if only to make sure my scale is capable of dropping below 120. 

And now I'm hungry and tired and want some really shitty food for lunch followed by reading (I'm on "Wolves of Calla" the fifth book in Stephen King's "The Dark Tower" series....so good!), and a nap. 

Life is good. It really, really is. 

Love you more,

Me

"It's what's inside that makes you beautiful. *the demon inside me blushes* "

Ugh, there's so much, I'm just gonna start....

WORK
I started my new job Monday. I had therapy already scheduled that morning at 8:00 a.m. (forethought) so didn't get to the new office until 10. Which was fine. All we did all morning and most of the afternoon was HR stuff and I almost fell asleep. I was the only new office person; the other 3 were warehouse guys. A lot of the training videos (how to use a ladder....hate to tell ya this Dad, but we're doing it wrong) didn't apply to me so much. At around 3:00, the HR woman dismissed the guys and took me around to everyone in the office and introduced me. It was nice but there were some who really just didn't give a shit. And then I sat with the woman who would be training me for the last 1.5 hours.

It's a miracle I went back.

Really. Honestly.

That 1.5 hours with her had my scared shitless. As in, "I am never going to be able to do this. I'm too stupid. I'll never get it. This is too hard."

But for some reason, I woke up Tuesday morning and went. And guess what? I am able to do it. I'm not too stupid. I did get it. It wasn't that hard. It was a good week. And what's even more amazing....I didn't nap for 5 days straight, nor did I fall asleep at any point at my desk, nor did I even feel tired until Thursday morning, 5AM. AND I did not go directly to bed after a full day's work. Almost every night I was up until 9PM. It's a good schedule and while I don't think there are enough hours (or energy) in the day to get everything done I want to get done, somehow I'll manage.


DIY
I forgot to share some things with you earlier this month.  My brother texted me one night with a picture of a sign he wanted me to make. Guess what it said? "Loved you then, love you still, always have, always will". Um, you just want mine? Thankfully mine did work for his needs (whatever they were, I have no idea) because I had 2 other projects going and didn't want to add a third.

I had hung mine above my bed (not pictured) and now had a giant gaping blank space again. So I filled it with this:

DIY Dreamcatchers!

WICCA

Lemon Tassie

I spent Groundhog's Day (February 2) celebrating Imbolc, a time of renewal and cleansing and marking the recovery of the Goddess after giving birth to the God. It's the transition of the three-fold Goddess from Crone to Maiden. 

I basically did some protective charms for the house and myself, smudged my whole house and at sunset, turned on a light in every room to signify the emergence of the Sun. I made lemon tassies (delicious) as a gift to the God & Goddess (of which they didn't eat any so guess who did). It was a beautiful day and I was glad to celebrate it on my own. 

I don't believe in deities. I don't believe there's an actual God and/or Goddess that exists. I do, however, believe in expressing my gratitude for the many blessings in my life, spending time focusing and centering my energy to send out into the world in thought, communing with the energy of the Universe, getting outside myself and learning something new in the process. I'm really enjoying the whole thing. 

A NEW BLOG

I had lunch a week ago with a couple of the girls from my previous job. One of them asked me how I do it... How do I stay fit and slim? (On a sidenote here, I have a hard time seeing myself as fit and/or slim because I am my own worst critic. I see what needs improvement and forget how far I've come.) So I told her a bit about low carb eating and what I did when I first started working out and where I am now and she said, "I know you write a blog about alcoholism, so why don't you write one for this?" I'm not gonna lie....that felt good. To be asked about how I did something and then told someone wanted to read about it. Why does it feel so good when someone truly has an interest in me and something I do? 

So since then, I've been pondering a new blog open to the public on fitness & eating low carb. Now, I realize I am not the epitome of fitness nor do I know all there is about eating low carb, but, just as in AA, I can tell my story and anybody can take it or leave it. It's just my opinion and what I did for myself. It isn't an endorsement for anything nor should anybody follow my direct path.

I'm still pondering the idea, getting all my ducks in a row, thinking of names - Any ideas? So far, I have Low Carb & Lovin' It or Maybe She Just Needs Carbs, depending on what's available...so seriously, post some ideas in the comments section!

I'm wondering when I'll have the time to dedicate to it, but as with anything else, if it's a priority, I'll make it happen. And it's something I'm passionate about (relatively so) and maybe if I'm writing about it, it'll help me, too. I've been slacking off on the low-carb thing for awhile and yah, I notice. My body isn't right. I'm bloated. I'm gassy. I feel fat. And while I know I'm not fat....I'm just not fat YET. I fluctuate between 120 on good days to 125 on bad ones. I cannot get under 120. It's like this brick wall I can't break through. And my goal is to knock that shit down and get to 115 so when I fluctuate, I do so between 115 and 120 instead of higher. I don't like to see the scale creep up because I watched it creep up for a long time and I don't want to see that happen again. A pound here, a pound there adds up to 146lbs and I don't ever want to see the other side of 125 again.

Not that it's about what the scale says, tho. It's about how I feel and how I feel isn't great. I mean, I feel pretty damn good today because I started a new HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) workout 2 or 3 weeks ago and it kicks my ass but I'm getting better and stronger and can do more cardio than I could when I started and how awesome is that??? I am eating better (still can't put down the goddamn sugar, tho) and am finding new recipes to try. Right now I'm cooking chicken thighs in my crockpot for the week. I'm making them generic so I can do something different every night if I want to.

When I do good for myself, I feel good. When I eat well, when I workout, when I get enough sleep, when I accomplish my to-do list, I feel fucking great. When I eat crappy, I feel crappy. When I eat crappy, my workout suffers and when my workout suffers.... Aw, who am I kidding? Any workout feels great. I have never regretted a workout. But some days are better than others. Taking care of myself feels good and when I feel good, I become good and when I become good, the whole world rejoices because let's face it.... Bitchy Amy is a scary Amy to be around.
Update: I went ahead with a new blog: Low Carb & Lovin' It. 

VALENTINE'S DAY
I did celebrate V-Day. No, I did not get any roses :( but a friend got me this:

A new altar cloth representing the three-fold Goddess (Maiden, Mother, Crone) and Louise from Bob's Burgers "If you keep talking, I'm gonna gut punch you!", which is entirely accurate. More people need to stfu. And Bob's Burgers is the best goddamn cartoon on t.v. today....or any day, for that matter. It should live on in infamy. 

Oh! And this:

The plant - not the rest of the stuff there.  It's a 6" Hyacinth that smells just like lilacs. Every time I walk past it, I get a whiff of Spring. It's delightful. 

Whew!

Lots to write about.  I thank you, always, for reading. 

Love you more,

Me

"Never underestimate the power of thought."

I'm going to start with the not-so-good and end on the possibly-good.

Over the past month, I've felt good...for the most part.  But randomly and not very often, I get this wave of emptiness that overtakes me. It hits out of nowhere and generally doesn't linger very long. Minutes. But when it hits, I feel as if my heart has left my body. Or my soul has departed. Or there's just this great vast abyss inside me that opens up ever so briefly to make sure I know it's still there.

It comes out of nowhere. And it departs the same. The first time it happened, I thought, "Eh. Okay. No big deal. This doesn't mean anything. Maybe I just need water." Lol. The second time, my thoughts were more like, "Ok, what the fuck is going on?" And then I drank some more water. As if it helps. The third time, I admit, my thinking went to "Uh-oh. I may be in trouble." I see it as a foreboding of something not-so-good.

Depression.

I updated my resume last week and I realized, March is really not a good month for me. It's funny how I've never really noticed that before. I left a construction company in March. I left the church in March. I left the law firm in March. One year, I was hospitalized in early February, which is close enough to March to make me wonder.

So what's up with March?

Basketball does screw with my television viewing so maybe it's to blame!

Winter doesn't depress me. I don't have Seasonal Affective Disorder. I love the cold and the dark and the snow. Summer depresses me, yes. So maybe March signifies Spring and the oncoming Summer. I've never really looked into it, to be honest, because I just realized the correlation last week. Below are a couple of links that at least make me feel less....crazy?

Reverse SAD

When Spring Brings You Down

So! There's that! Whoo hoo. Knowledge is power, right? Being aware is important so I'm glad I've got that.

Let's move onto the possibly-good-news because I don't want to dwell on the not-so-good.

Last Tuesday, I interviewed at a distribution company in a town not so far away from my little hamlet for an assistant buyer position. I didn't really hold out much hope. I wasn't even sure it was something I could do, let alone have an interest in. I'm still not sure about that. :) It had snowed pretty good the day before and was supposed to start snowing again around the time the interview would end, so I was debating about whether or not to even go!  I went. The roads were fine. I didn't even encounter a single flake. The interview went well. They said they'd make a decision Thursday.

They called Wednesday morning first thing and offered me the job.

Apparently I did something right.

I don't want to put too much emphasis on this, but I'm giving some credit (which is a big step for me, as you well know) to Wicca and the power of thought. I requested assistance clearing my debt and while nobody dropped a load of money in my lap at one time, a job is a way of clearing my debt (or so I've been told). So, yeah. Power of thought. I do believe in that.

I start the new gig tomorrow a.m. and am anxious and nervous and not really all that excited and mostly I just want to get through the next 2 months without losing my shit and be a productive member of society and not disappoint another employer and my parents and my friends and anyone else I consistently disappoint by being unemployed. Whew.

I've been having lunch with 2 former co-workers from the law firm once a month and we plan to do it again in March. I think that helps. To have something to look forward to because I really do have fun with those 2. I began a new workout (HIIT Strength & Cardio) via YouTube a few weeks ago. It kicks my ass and I love it. Here's the link if you're interested. HIIT Fitness Blender

Speaking of which, one of my friends asked me "How do you do it?" as in how do I stay fit. I started telling her about going on the low carb diet, what exercises I started with, what I advanced to, where I'm at now, what I eat now and she said I should start a blog about it.

What a grand fucking idea!

So I'm pondering it. Let's see how tired I am after pulling all-dayers (no naps) for 5 days straight. If I have any energy after 5PM on any given day, I'll be shocked.

That's all the news I have to date, folks, and Celebrity Big Brother is on so I'm off to watch these idiots.

Love & light & all that shit, :)
Me

"People like you are the reason we have middle fingers."

Man, someone has tried to beat me to shit the last couple of days and I'm happy to say, he has not succeeded.

Yet.

I'm a crockpot thinker, not a microwave thinker. I like to let things sit and settle and soak and really flavorize.  It takes me daaaaaays to think (or not, in my case, because that works better for me), rather than make snap decisions, judgments, statements, etc.  So it may be a few days before I truly feel the repercussions of this person's nastiness.

Men who are cruel to women after being rejected are scary, scary men. Not in the sense that I worry about physical harm to myself. No. Not that. Just that, because their fragile egos have been bruised, they go from worshiping the ground a woman walks on one day to telling her she's a fucking liar, a spoiled fucking child, a self-centered asshole, a hypocrite, a miserable fuck, will end up in the psych ward, never married, never happy, unable to face issues, a coward, etc, etc, etc. the very next. All because she said, very clearly and honestly, we need to end this. A man who can flip that switch so quickly from love to cruelty is a man to be feared....and avoided. At all costs.

It's like Chris calling me a whore all those times. It's an insecure man protecting his damaged ego and attempting to cause as much harm as possible in the process.

Rejection allows you to see a person for who they truly are. Behavior such as that makes the rejection that much easier to stand behind. Yes. This. This right here is why you're rejected.

I said to an ex (then boyfriend) once, "Ya know, when I run into my ex's, they're happy to see me. I don't think that's true for you." Do you remember that? I no longer think that's true for me.

All of this has made me wonder...

Am I incapable of truly being with anyone? 

Maybe. I am 42, so probably. But that doesn't mean I should give up. And it doesn't mean that I can't be happy. I can be happy. And I can be happy single, too. Just because a person never marries, never finds that lasting love, doesn't mean they can't be happy.

And this...the most profound thought I had yesterday...

What someone else thinks of me is not a reflection of who I am. 

I am a very self-reflective, introspective person. I know myself better than anyone else could ever dream of knowing me. Do I do stupid shit? Yep. All the time. Who doesn't? Am I perfect? Hardly. Not even close. Never will be. I have so many flaws, I've stopped counting them. But that's what makes me unique, right?

*eyeroll*

Whatever.

I'm happy to have my life back-- unaware of other people's judgments of me, blissfully ignorant of gossip, oblivious to anyone's innermost thoughts. I am a much better person, a much saner person, a much happier person when my circle is small and only includes those who truly love me for me.

Everyone else can go fuck themselves.