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| Yep, these are geese, dressed up and blocking traffic. |
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| Santa doesn't seem at all concerned his geese are blocking traffic. |
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Is that a gaggle of geese or are you just happy to see me?
Only in this little hamlet:
It's the little hamlet's Christmas Walk. It's 50 degrees out. I didn't even wear a coat and you know me - I'm always cold. So it doesn't really feel like Christmas because it's so damn balmy. I'm sure the geese weren't complaining. Neither was Santa, apparently.
"My soul's had enough chicken soup. It wants some chocolate." -Maxine
Here are more pics from the M'town T'giving, but first you've got to watch this video to understand one of the pictures of grandma dancing:
YouTube Sweet Brown Video & Remix
OK: Did you go watch it? If so, here's Grandma dancing to "Ain't nobody got time for dat!"
Here are the best pictures of the day:
Look at how good the food was!!
Hey! I just realized I didn't get any leftover sweet potatoes!!!!! Something's amiss.
In this picture, I think I look like I belong perfectly in this M'town family:
I look like Aunt Bev, Mom and Cousin Emily all rolled into one. Oh, and that's Dad & Younger Brother, too, but who cares about them. I look pissed. Or confused.
YouTube Sweet Brown Video & Remix
OK: Did you go watch it? If so, here's Grandma dancing to "Ain't nobody got time for dat!"
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| Dancing Grandma |
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| From Rt to Lft: Cousin Sarah, Me, Cousin Sarah's boyfriend, Jeff. |
Hey! I just realized I didn't get any leftover sweet potatoes!!!!! Something's amiss.
In this picture, I think I look like I belong perfectly in this M'town family:
I look like Aunt Bev, Mom and Cousin Emily all rolled into one. Oh, and that's Dad & Younger Brother, too, but who cares about them. I look pissed. Or confused.
"I've got leftovers from Thanksgiving. Yep, some of the relatives stayed through the weekend." -Maxine
I really did get leftovers, though. Ham. Mmmmmmm. I (heart) ham.
I can't really blog about yesterday until Mom (re: Dad) emails me her pictures from yesterday. But here's what I can show you:
He almost always wins. Nobody can beat him. Not even Bailey, with the enormously long arms. There was a bit of a 'to-do' about playing Spoons because I said only short people can play. That's only fair! Someone with arms twice the length of mine has a totally unfair advantage. I didn't really care. I didn't really want to play. I wanted to lose as fast as possible, which I pretty much did.
As you know, Spoons can get pretty vicious. Cousin Emily and HER NIECE literally fought over a spoon. First, Emily bit Bailey. Yep, bite marks. Then another time, Emily was on the floor, spoon grasped in two hands while Bailey had the other end, pulling for dear life. She pulled Emily across the kitchen floor. With a spoon. The only reason Emily gave it up was because Bailey's mom (Sarah) cheated and held Emily's legs down. Still makes me laugh. Needless to say, we couldn't use that spoon again. It was too bent, just like the rest of us.
It was a day of laughter, great conversation, fantastic food, and games. I love playing games. I could play games every day with those people. They hold nothing back. Nothing. I swear, Ben just sat there laughing the entire time, while we played CatchPhrase, which has to be one of the funnest games of all time.
So, there are more pictures to come...You may just have to wait a week or two.
I was beat afterward and quite honestly, had a headache from all the cigarette smoke. Everywhere you went, there was just a haze of smoke. It was like a smoker's bar. Now, I smoke in my own home, but I'm one person and I don't chain smoke (usually) so I don't notice a haze. I do notice the smell and yes, it drives me crazy, but I'd rather smoke in the comfort of my home than out in the cold just to keep the smell out. There are other ways to disperse a smell. Like, open a window. Which I wish we'd opened more at Aunt Bev's. My head really hurt. It was either from that or from all the yelling during CatchPhrase (because you have to yell to be heard).
I just wanted to cry all the way home and I can't really explain why except that I was just really tired. When I'm tired, I get irritable. When I'm really tired, I cry. Ridiculous, I know. I went to bed last night at 6. I took the two Klonipin like I was supposed to. I woke up at 8:30. 8:30 P.M.!!!!! I only vaguely remember any of the night so I have no idea if I woke up multiple times or not. It's kind of scary. I have a vague recollection of looking at the clock at 1:30. I have another vague recollection of eyeing Elvis in his bed and thanking the FSM that he got out from under the blankets because that always makes me nervous - like he's going to suffocate or something. But that's it - until 3:00. Then I was wide awake. OK, not really wide awake, but awake. I didn't want to be. I went out to the living room, smoked a cigarette and laid back down to sleep. I did for maybe an hour. Then rolled over and slept for another 1/2 hour. I was pretty much as awake as I'm going to be today at 4:30 this morning.
I. DID. NOT. WANT. TO. WORKOUT. But I did. One round of both circuits. I'm just too damn tired and unmotivated to do two rounds of both circuits. I have two sores from the Hydradenitis Suppurativa that are driving me crazy and working out doesn't really help. It isn't that I'm sore from working out (though at times I think my legs must have something wrong with them, lol). It's just tiredness. I think today, even though it's supposed to be a gorgeous day (almost 50!), will be a day spent inside, watching movies and napping. It's the little hamlet's Christmas Walk this weekend, but I didn't see anything on the agenda that interested me. I suppose if Mom or Dad call to go walk or something, I'll do that, but other than that, I have no plans whatsoever.
I'm really quite anxious about not working. I need to get something in the works. That will be on tomorrow's agenda because I've got nothing going on tomorrow, so I'll spend at least some time on-line looking for a job. Just thinking about it makes me anxious. WTH?
This morning I took 7.5mg of Abilify instead of 5mg. I still had 2.5 leftover and I wasn't going to waste it so I took it along with the 5 mg. I hope it perks me up or something because I'm going downhill fast. I should take a bath before I find myself crawling back into bed and just hiding from the world.
All right - off I go to do just that.
I can't really blog about yesterday until Mom (re: Dad) emails me her pictures from yesterday. But here's what I can show you:
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| Ben won the Golden Spoon - He's the Champion. Loser. |
As you know, Spoons can get pretty vicious. Cousin Emily and HER NIECE literally fought over a spoon. First, Emily bit Bailey. Yep, bite marks. Then another time, Emily was on the floor, spoon grasped in two hands while Bailey had the other end, pulling for dear life. She pulled Emily across the kitchen floor. With a spoon. The only reason Emily gave it up was because Bailey's mom (Sarah) cheated and held Emily's legs down. Still makes me laugh. Needless to say, we couldn't use that spoon again. It was too bent, just like the rest of us.
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| Cousin Emily & Me. Doesn't she look so sweet? hahahaha |
It was a day of laughter, great conversation, fantastic food, and games. I love playing games. I could play games every day with those people. They hold nothing back. Nothing. I swear, Ben just sat there laughing the entire time, while we played CatchPhrase, which has to be one of the funnest games of all time.
So, there are more pictures to come...You may just have to wait a week or two.
I was beat afterward and quite honestly, had a headache from all the cigarette smoke. Everywhere you went, there was just a haze of smoke. It was like a smoker's bar. Now, I smoke in my own home, but I'm one person and I don't chain smoke (usually) so I don't notice a haze. I do notice the smell and yes, it drives me crazy, but I'd rather smoke in the comfort of my home than out in the cold just to keep the smell out. There are other ways to disperse a smell. Like, open a window. Which I wish we'd opened more at Aunt Bev's. My head really hurt. It was either from that or from all the yelling during CatchPhrase (because you have to yell to be heard).
I just wanted to cry all the way home and I can't really explain why except that I was just really tired. When I'm tired, I get irritable. When I'm really tired, I cry. Ridiculous, I know. I went to bed last night at 6. I took the two Klonipin like I was supposed to. I woke up at 8:30. 8:30 P.M.!!!!! I only vaguely remember any of the night so I have no idea if I woke up multiple times or not. It's kind of scary. I have a vague recollection of looking at the clock at 1:30. I have another vague recollection of eyeing Elvis in his bed and thanking the FSM that he got out from under the blankets because that always makes me nervous - like he's going to suffocate or something. But that's it - until 3:00. Then I was wide awake. OK, not really wide awake, but awake. I didn't want to be. I went out to the living room, smoked a cigarette and laid back down to sleep. I did for maybe an hour. Then rolled over and slept for another 1/2 hour. I was pretty much as awake as I'm going to be today at 4:30 this morning.
I. DID. NOT. WANT. TO. WORKOUT. But I did. One round of both circuits. I'm just too damn tired and unmotivated to do two rounds of both circuits. I have two sores from the Hydradenitis Suppurativa that are driving me crazy and working out doesn't really help. It isn't that I'm sore from working out (though at times I think my legs must have something wrong with them, lol). It's just tiredness. I think today, even though it's supposed to be a gorgeous day (almost 50!), will be a day spent inside, watching movies and napping. It's the little hamlet's Christmas Walk this weekend, but I didn't see anything on the agenda that interested me. I suppose if Mom or Dad call to go walk or something, I'll do that, but other than that, I have no plans whatsoever.
I'm really quite anxious about not working. I need to get something in the works. That will be on tomorrow's agenda because I've got nothing going on tomorrow, so I'll spend at least some time on-line looking for a job. Just thinking about it makes me anxious. WTH?
This morning I took 7.5mg of Abilify instead of 5mg. I still had 2.5 leftover and I wasn't going to waste it so I took it along with the 5 mg. I hope it perks me up or something because I'm going downhill fast. I should take a bath before I find myself crawling back into bed and just hiding from the world.
All right - off I go to do just that.
Friday, November 29, 2013
"If you got up to go Christmas shopping today, you probably saved a ton of money. Of course, if you rolled over and said, "Screw shopping this year," you probably saved even more." -Maxine
I rolled over and said, "But it's not even 4 o'clock yet!" I might as well be shopping, except for the fact that I have no money.
Today's our M'town family Thanksgiving and I cannot wait! Though the anticipation is less this year than other years. Probably because I'm medicated and doped up. It's different this year because usually I've visited much more often throughout the year and this year I just couldn't.....drive. So that's different.
This year we all have to wear clothing representing our favorite NFL team. Last year it was Cyclones or Hawks.
This year....it's Steelers, of course! I chose the theme because this summer, at garage sales, I got a SMALL Steelers jersey. Those are practically impossible to find so I was excited. hahahaha I haven't even tried it on. It probably doesn't fit. That'd be hilarious. They lost last night so I'm a little embarrassed to "represent".
It's 5:09AM. I've done my two circuit workouts twice. My muscles are jelly. I did all 12 reps of every single one, whereas, yesterday I only maybe did 8 or 10 the second time through. I'm getting stronger! Or stupider. I have 3 hours to kill until we venture to M'town. I've even lightly sanded the wood-filled-areas. They look better now that we put a different stain on them. Not so red now. And what do I do now?
Drink coffee, of course! Though I have to limit the amount I drink so we're not stopping at every single rest area on the way there. I have to stop drinking at 6:00am. That's only 45 minutes to get my coffee fix until we get to M'town.
I can't wait to get to that smoke-filled, loud, crazy, funny, food-smellin' house!
Today's our M'town family Thanksgiving and I cannot wait! Though the anticipation is less this year than other years. Probably because I'm medicated and doped up. It's different this year because usually I've visited much more often throughout the year and this year I just couldn't.....drive. So that's different.
This year we all have to wear clothing representing our favorite NFL team. Last year it was Cyclones or Hawks.
This year....it's Steelers, of course! I chose the theme because this summer, at garage sales, I got a SMALL Steelers jersey. Those are practically impossible to find so I was excited. hahahaha I haven't even tried it on. It probably doesn't fit. That'd be hilarious. They lost last night so I'm a little embarrassed to "represent".
It's 5:09AM. I've done my two circuit workouts twice. My muscles are jelly. I did all 12 reps of every single one, whereas, yesterday I only maybe did 8 or 10 the second time through. I'm getting stronger! Or stupider. I have 3 hours to kill until we venture to M'town. I've even lightly sanded the wood-filled-areas. They look better now that we put a different stain on them. Not so red now. And what do I do now?
Drink coffee, of course! Though I have to limit the amount I drink so we're not stopping at every single rest area on the way there. I have to stop drinking at 6:00am. That's only 45 minutes to get my coffee fix until we get to M'town.
I can't wait to get to that smoke-filled, loud, crazy, funny, food-smellin' house!
Thursday, November 28, 2013
"If my relatives wanted me to be truly thankful, they'd do all the cooking." -Maxine
And they do! They really do! They truly want me to be thankful.....or they want to be thankful that I'm not responsible for the cooking. Hy-Vee, here I come!
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
What are you thankful for, today & everyday?
I'm thankful I'm sober.
I'm thankful for my parents, brothers, cousins, aunts, grandma, nieces/nephews - ALL of my family.
I'm thankful for my friends.
I'm thankful for this beautiful house & an awesome car.
I'm thankful I have health insurance (even though....nope, won't go negative)
I'm thankful I have support for every aspect of my life.
I'm thankful I can get out of bed every morning, workout, take care of myself hygiene-wise, and drink copious amounts of coffee.
I'm thankful for Elvis. Man, I love that damn cat.
I'm thankful for the sun.
I'm thankful for Christmas decorations- they bring me such happiness.
I'm thankful I have a brain in my head that somewhat works.
I'm thankful I'm as healthy as a 20-year smoker can be.
I'm thankful I can have food on my table, a roof over my head and family close-by.
I'm thankful I know to be thankful.
The last two days have been pretty down days. When I say that, I think of downward dog and I don't like downward dog, so I guess that's fitting. Do some downward dog push-ups and you'll feel the same way.
I've just been sad and depressed. Sitting in my med-check therapist's office yesterday, I realized this may be the wall I hit with Abilify. So we upped it. I'm still sad. hahahaha, like it'd kick in that fast. I have unrealistic expectations, I know. We also upped the Klonipin at night to help me sleep. It didn't work last night. And I had some damn funky dreams again. I can't even share them with you they were so off-the-wall.
In the therapist's office, I told her when I can't sleep, I think. And I usually start out thinking negatively. Then I try to turn it around, but inevitably wind up back in negative-land and have to start all over. She let me off the hook- at least I'm recognizing the negative-talk and I'm trying to change it. She said I've been thinking this way for a long, long time so it isn't going to change overnight. Give myself a break. Because I always berate myself when I go to negative-land. How did I get back here? You're such an idiot! *eye roll*
She also asked if I'd talked to my parents about how I was feeling. I told her no. I think my parents are as sick of it as everybody else, so if I'm sad, I'll just be sad in silence and pretend to be somewhat happy otherwise. She said not to do that - to call my folks and ask them to call me a couple times a day just to check in. I haven't done that. I guess I should. I'm still sad today, dammit. I always think working out will make me feel better, but it only works when I'm doing it. Afterward, I'm back to a long, daunting day sitting in front of me and I just want to crawl back into bed. And I cry. I hate crying. I'm so damn sick of crying.
I really hoped today would be a better day. So far, not so good.
Isn't all of this just ridiculous? My therapist & all of you must be so sick of listening to me by now. I'm sick of talking about it all. I just want to be normal. Is that so hard? Apparently.
Anywhoo, today is about Thanks & Giving so let's get back on track!
I did both workout circuits twice this morning! I doubled up because tomorrow's a big eating day - it's our Thanksgiving. So I'll do it twice again tomorrow morning, too. I don't want to feel guilty eating all that I know I'm going to eat. Thankful.
Mom asked me to go over to their house today to help her with her Christmas decorations. Giving! Oooh boy and am I excited! I love decorating. Even when you have to put everything away, you still have to redecorate for 'winter' so it's like having new decorations all over again. I love the stuff that I have. I need for nothing. Thankful.
I was wearing slipper socks when I went to bed last night and since I can't have anything on my feet when I sleep, they landed next to the bed. Or I should say, in Elvis' food dish. He just can't leave my socks alone. I rarely wear socks around the house (the floors are too slick) - I wear slippers. But when I do wear socks, he literally tries to take them off my feet to drag them to his food dish. I think if he could get to my underwear, he'd do the same damn thing. Thankful? Yes, I'm thankful for Elvis' quirks. I love him like a fat kid loves cake. Doesn't mean I'd make a good mother. I'm a good pet-owner. Let's keep that straight.
Yesterday I stopped by the library to see if they had any good movies to rent. As soon as I walked in the door, I saw Lee Child's next new book, "Never Go Back". I was sooooo excited. To get excited about a book, when I'm having such a hard time reading - yep, Thankful. AND they had 3 good movies to rent. They made my day and I told them so. Thankful.
I'm sure thankful for a lot but I don't do a whole helluva lot of giving, do I? No, I don't. I'm not a giving person. I'm completely and totally selfish. If it doesn't suit me, I'm not going to do it. No, I take that back. Last Saturday, I gave. I gave to Younger Brother. Because I hate shopping more than anything else in the world at this time of year and I went with him anyway. GIVING, big time.
And I lost a bet with Mom & Dad so I'll be 'giving', as in taking down a wallpaper border they want taken down. We're holding off until January to do that, but I'm still planning on Giving.
I'm giving food to people who show up for the open house. Does that count? I helped bake the sugar cookies and I'm going to make the pretzel/almond bark/M&M concoction, so is that giving? I'll also have apple cider and decaf coffee and melted snowmen (water). That's giving, isn't it?
I'm so desperate to come up with "Giving" I'm just making shit up at this point. I should focus more on giving next year. I have a Bucket of Bliss I've been keeping all year long and come January 1, I get to go through it and read all the "blisses" I had in 2013. Maybe I should make a bucket of giving; what would that be called - a Gift of Giving? Kind of redundant. I'll think of something witty.
On this Thanksgiving, I'll leave you with my favorite funny this time of year:
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
What are you thankful for, today & everyday?
I'm thankful I'm sober.
I'm thankful for my parents, brothers, cousins, aunts, grandma, nieces/nephews - ALL of my family.
I'm thankful for my friends.
I'm thankful for this beautiful house & an awesome car.
I'm thankful I have health insurance (even though....nope, won't go negative)
I'm thankful I have support for every aspect of my life.
I'm thankful I can get out of bed every morning, workout, take care of myself hygiene-wise, and drink copious amounts of coffee.
I'm thankful for Elvis. Man, I love that damn cat.
I'm thankful for the sun.
I'm thankful for Christmas decorations- they bring me such happiness.
I'm thankful I have a brain in my head that somewhat works.
I'm thankful I'm as healthy as a 20-year smoker can be.
I'm thankful I can have food on my table, a roof over my head and family close-by.
I'm thankful I know to be thankful.
The last two days have been pretty down days. When I say that, I think of downward dog and I don't like downward dog, so I guess that's fitting. Do some downward dog push-ups and you'll feel the same way.
I've just been sad and depressed. Sitting in my med-check therapist's office yesterday, I realized this may be the wall I hit with Abilify. So we upped it. I'm still sad. hahahaha, like it'd kick in that fast. I have unrealistic expectations, I know. We also upped the Klonipin at night to help me sleep. It didn't work last night. And I had some damn funky dreams again. I can't even share them with you they were so off-the-wall.
In the therapist's office, I told her when I can't sleep, I think. And I usually start out thinking negatively. Then I try to turn it around, but inevitably wind up back in negative-land and have to start all over. She let me off the hook- at least I'm recognizing the negative-talk and I'm trying to change it. She said I've been thinking this way for a long, long time so it isn't going to change overnight. Give myself a break. Because I always berate myself when I go to negative-land. How did I get back here? You're such an idiot! *eye roll*
She also asked if I'd talked to my parents about how I was feeling. I told her no. I think my parents are as sick of it as everybody else, so if I'm sad, I'll just be sad in silence and pretend to be somewhat happy otherwise. She said not to do that - to call my folks and ask them to call me a couple times a day just to check in. I haven't done that. I guess I should. I'm still sad today, dammit. I always think working out will make me feel better, but it only works when I'm doing it. Afterward, I'm back to a long, daunting day sitting in front of me and I just want to crawl back into bed. And I cry. I hate crying. I'm so damn sick of crying.
I really hoped today would be a better day. So far, not so good.
Isn't all of this just ridiculous? My therapist & all of you must be so sick of listening to me by now. I'm sick of talking about it all. I just want to be normal. Is that so hard? Apparently.
Anywhoo, today is about Thanks & Giving so let's get back on track!
I did both workout circuits twice this morning! I doubled up because tomorrow's a big eating day - it's our Thanksgiving. So I'll do it twice again tomorrow morning, too. I don't want to feel guilty eating all that I know I'm going to eat. Thankful.
Mom asked me to go over to their house today to help her with her Christmas decorations. Giving! Oooh boy and am I excited! I love decorating. Even when you have to put everything away, you still have to redecorate for 'winter' so it's like having new decorations all over again. I love the stuff that I have. I need for nothing. Thankful.
I was wearing slipper socks when I went to bed last night and since I can't have anything on my feet when I sleep, they landed next to the bed. Or I should say, in Elvis' food dish. He just can't leave my socks alone. I rarely wear socks around the house (the floors are too slick) - I wear slippers. But when I do wear socks, he literally tries to take them off my feet to drag them to his food dish. I think if he could get to my underwear, he'd do the same damn thing. Thankful? Yes, I'm thankful for Elvis' quirks. I love him like a fat kid loves cake. Doesn't mean I'd make a good mother. I'm a good pet-owner. Let's keep that straight.
Yesterday I stopped by the library to see if they had any good movies to rent. As soon as I walked in the door, I saw Lee Child's next new book, "Never Go Back". I was sooooo excited. To get excited about a book, when I'm having such a hard time reading - yep, Thankful. AND they had 3 good movies to rent. They made my day and I told them so. Thankful.
I'm sure thankful for a lot but I don't do a whole helluva lot of giving, do I? No, I don't. I'm not a giving person. I'm completely and totally selfish. If it doesn't suit me, I'm not going to do it. No, I take that back. Last Saturday, I gave. I gave to Younger Brother. Because I hate shopping more than anything else in the world at this time of year and I went with him anyway. GIVING, big time.
And I lost a bet with Mom & Dad so I'll be 'giving', as in taking down a wallpaper border they want taken down. We're holding off until January to do that, but I'm still planning on Giving.
I'm giving food to people who show up for the open house. Does that count? I helped bake the sugar cookies and I'm going to make the pretzel/almond bark/M&M concoction, so is that giving? I'll also have apple cider and decaf coffee and melted snowmen (water). That's giving, isn't it?
I'm so desperate to come up with "Giving" I'm just making shit up at this point. I should focus more on giving next year. I have a Bucket of Bliss I've been keeping all year long and come January 1, I get to go through it and read all the "blisses" I had in 2013. Maybe I should make a bucket of giving; what would that be called - a Gift of Giving? Kind of redundant. I'll think of something witty.
On this Thanksgiving, I'll leave you with my favorite funny this time of year:
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
"Show some respect this Thanksgiving. Mute the TV while you say grace." -Maxine
I don't think that'll be happening because the Iowa vs. Nebraska game will be on and nothing will stop me from knowing what's going on every second of that game. Unless Nebraska is winning by a whole helluva lot, then I don't want to know.
I'm not getting out of bed at 4AM anymore. I'm still awake, but I force myself to stay in bed until closer to 5. It's just wrong to be awake at 4AM, though Smallville is on so at least I'm entertained. I did my Week 2 WinterShred homework this morning (Circuits 1 AND 2). I thought the wall sits were hell....I just wanted to keep sliding down to the floor. It's amazing to me how little muscle I have in my legs, apparently. My arms are just fine, except after doing the workout, I went back to trying to sand the wood filler areas and had to use both arms because my right was just too damn tired. And then I just gave up. I'm disappointed in the wood filler and can't imagine how it's going to look any better than the actual cracks looked. I need to see a finished product, otherwise, I'm just not happy.
I was up most of the night thinking unhappy thoughts and I kept trying to make myself stop thinking them but inevitably I'd wind up right back at the unhappy thought. For example, "I'm such a loser" (because I don't have a job, because I'm scared to get a job, because I didn't get the job I applied for, because I didn't do much of anything yesterday, because I need my parents too much....it's endless why....). So I'd stop myself and say, "Hmmmm, that's interesting. Turn it around. I relaxed and recuperated today. I cleaned the kitchen wall tile. I sanded the wood filled areas. I napped (thus the "R&R"). Geez, you're life sucks...." See how it turns back to negative so fast. I napped?!? That's something to be proud of? Be happy about? Well, I do love my naps, but seriously? On a daily basis? How much sleep does one person need? The only reason I nap is because I can't stand to stare at the endless hours in front of me with nothing to do.
Then I started thinking about drinking. Stinking thinking. I don't want to drink. I won't drink today. That's my only guarantee and I'm not even sure I can guarantee that. I'm not drinking right now. That's what I can guarantee. I'm so disappointed in myself that I didn't get that job. I'm bored out of my flippin' mind. And it's nobody's fault but my own. I'm afraid to go to places and apply for a job in person. I'm afraid to physically drive there, go inside, ask if they're hiring and have to fill out a long, drawn out, ridiculous application. I'm to the point of asking my mother to go with me. Or at least drive me there. That way I'm there. I have to do it. She's waiting in the car for me. I have to do something. Stupid. See how easy it is to berate myself? I make it easy. Look at the life I'm living. I cannot continue to live off my parents. I'm 38 for christ's sake.
And then I think, how long can free therapy go on? It's been 4 months of weekly appointments at $200 a pop that I'm not paying for. How long will they allow that? Can't I just be better? Then I wonder about the medications. I can't and probably won't be able to afford to pay for them myself so then what? Can't I just go med-free and see what happens? I feel like one of those people who think they're all better so they can stop taking the medication. That's not me. I don't feel better. I know I'm not better. But do I really need so many medications to make me feel, at least, somewhat normal? Isn't there just one, reasonably priced, pill that I can take instead of 3? But then I think (& freak a little), "I don't want to change meds!!!!" Changing meds is scary to me. I could go manic. I could get more depressed. I could go psychotic. I could be fine. 1 out of 4 options that's good doesn't bode well. Those are not good odds.
I have my med-check appointment and therapy this morning, thus the conversations I had in my head last night and with you this morning. I'm nervous. I'm teary. I'm scared to death to go to the grocery store afterward. It's going to be a mad-house and I don't do well with mad-houses. Get in, get out. That's my motto. I have a lot of shit on my list. It isn't going to be that easy. I'm going to be knocking down old ladies.
I just want to win the lottery (without playing) and never have to work again. And I want to stop eating so damn much. Is all that too much to ask?
I'm not getting out of bed at 4AM anymore. I'm still awake, but I force myself to stay in bed until closer to 5. It's just wrong to be awake at 4AM, though Smallville is on so at least I'm entertained. I did my Week 2 WinterShred homework this morning (Circuits 1 AND 2). I thought the wall sits were hell....I just wanted to keep sliding down to the floor. It's amazing to me how little muscle I have in my legs, apparently. My arms are just fine, except after doing the workout, I went back to trying to sand the wood filler areas and had to use both arms because my right was just too damn tired. And then I just gave up. I'm disappointed in the wood filler and can't imagine how it's going to look any better than the actual cracks looked. I need to see a finished product, otherwise, I'm just not happy.
I was up most of the night thinking unhappy thoughts and I kept trying to make myself stop thinking them but inevitably I'd wind up right back at the unhappy thought. For example, "I'm such a loser" (because I don't have a job, because I'm scared to get a job, because I didn't get the job I applied for, because I didn't do much of anything yesterday, because I need my parents too much....it's endless why....). So I'd stop myself and say, "Hmmmm, that's interesting. Turn it around. I relaxed and recuperated today. I cleaned the kitchen wall tile. I sanded the wood filled areas. I napped (thus the "R&R"). Geez, you're life sucks...." See how it turns back to negative so fast. I napped?!? That's something to be proud of? Be happy about? Well, I do love my naps, but seriously? On a daily basis? How much sleep does one person need? The only reason I nap is because I can't stand to stare at the endless hours in front of me with nothing to do.
Then I started thinking about drinking. Stinking thinking. I don't want to drink. I won't drink today. That's my only guarantee and I'm not even sure I can guarantee that. I'm not drinking right now. That's what I can guarantee. I'm so disappointed in myself that I didn't get that job. I'm bored out of my flippin' mind. And it's nobody's fault but my own. I'm afraid to go to places and apply for a job in person. I'm afraid to physically drive there, go inside, ask if they're hiring and have to fill out a long, drawn out, ridiculous application. I'm to the point of asking my mother to go with me. Or at least drive me there. That way I'm there. I have to do it. She's waiting in the car for me. I have to do something. Stupid. See how easy it is to berate myself? I make it easy. Look at the life I'm living. I cannot continue to live off my parents. I'm 38 for christ's sake.
And then I think, how long can free therapy go on? It's been 4 months of weekly appointments at $200 a pop that I'm not paying for. How long will they allow that? Can't I just be better? Then I wonder about the medications. I can't and probably won't be able to afford to pay for them myself so then what? Can't I just go med-free and see what happens? I feel like one of those people who think they're all better so they can stop taking the medication. That's not me. I don't feel better. I know I'm not better. But do I really need so many medications to make me feel, at least, somewhat normal? Isn't there just one, reasonably priced, pill that I can take instead of 3? But then I think (& freak a little), "I don't want to change meds!!!!" Changing meds is scary to me. I could go manic. I could get more depressed. I could go psychotic. I could be fine. 1 out of 4 options that's good doesn't bode well. Those are not good odds.
I have my med-check appointment and therapy this morning, thus the conversations I had in my head last night and with you this morning. I'm nervous. I'm teary. I'm scared to death to go to the grocery store afterward. It's going to be a mad-house and I don't do well with mad-houses. Get in, get out. That's my motto. I have a lot of shit on my list. It isn't going to be that easy. I'm going to be knocking down old ladies.
I just want to win the lottery (without playing) and never have to work again. And I want to stop eating so damn much. Is all that too much to ask?
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
"Wouldn't be the holidays without some turkey and stressing!" -Maxine
I have to keep reminding myself that today is Tuesday. I woke up my usual amount of times last night (10,000) and had to keep telling myself, "Today is Tuesday. Today is Tuesday". Like Wednesday's such a big day or even Thursday? No. I just have my regular appointments tomorrow, but ahhhhh, I have to get groceries and getting groceries always makes me anxious. Don't ask me why. I'm not sure myself. Maybe it has to do with all the people. Maybe it has to do with having enough money. And I'm anxious about having enough of the appropriate things for my recipes for the open house. I don't know why I'm so worried about that - maybe 10 people will show up. I'm pretty sure I'll have enough food. I don't know why I worry so much. I wish I could quit. It's cutting into my sleep.
Speaking of sleep, I dreamt Eminem and I were in love. Yep, the rapper. I do enjoy his music and I find him fairly attractive, but WTH was I doing dreaming about him. Why not Adam Levine? Why not Ryan Goseling? Why not James Dean? Those are the men I swoon over. Certainly not Eminem. Unless it's deeply subconscious. Maybe it is. I woke up feeling......blah. Because I don't have that love. I may never have that love. I'm incapable of that love. But I can sure dream about it and I guess I should be thankful for that.
The workout last night wasn't too bad. We did a lot of arm, shoulder, leg work and my arms/shoulders are pretty good so it wasn't too bad and my legs must be getting used to the pain because I can get down & off the toilet without crying out in pain. LOL. I love to sweat when a person's supposed to sweat. I do not like sweating when I'm just sitting in an office. That's just stupid. But I love to sweat when working out and boy do I ever. The rest of my body is pretty regulated - all except my head. For some reason my damn head sweats more than anything else. I've got it literally dripping off my hair. It's bizarre. And it's a good thing we wipe down the yoga mats after every session because mine has sweat drops everywhere.
Last night we worked with the exercise ball. I. Am. Not. A. Fan.
I fell off.
How can you trust it after that?
You can't. You can't trust it after falling off, so all my exercises after that were incredibly tense. I got more of a workout than most people because I was tensely struggling to stay steady on the damn thing doing planks. Geezy lou. Can't we just use the floor? The floor has never failed me. I trust the floor. Damn gravity.
We have more homework, especially because we're not meeting Wednesday night due to the holiday so we won't meet again until next Monday. I took this morning off and just did my Pilates for Abs. I'll start the Week 2 homework tomorrow. I'm sure I'll be dripping sweat. At least I don't have an exercise ball so I just fake those. Yeah!
Today, all I have to do is laundry (in the dryer now) and sand the wood filler spots on the floor. Did I tell you yesterday that Mom and I baked sugar cookies? We did and they're in the freezer just waiting for me to frost them the day before the open house. I baked (sort of). Be proud. All that's left is some fudge (no nuts, of course, Nancy) and my circle pretzel/almond bark/ M&M concoction, which I can't do until the day before. The day before the open house is going to be maddening. Lots of cleaning and baking and making more of a mess and cleaning some more. LOL. I love this shit. I love the anticipation of an event more than the event itself, so as far as I'm concerned, two people could show up and I'd still be happy....because of all the fun & stress leading up to the event. Plus, think of all the leftover goodies I'll have to pig out on! My instructor would not be happy.
Speaking of sleep, I dreamt Eminem and I were in love. Yep, the rapper. I do enjoy his music and I find him fairly attractive, but WTH was I doing dreaming about him. Why not Adam Levine? Why not Ryan Goseling? Why not James Dean? Those are the men I swoon over. Certainly not Eminem. Unless it's deeply subconscious. Maybe it is. I woke up feeling......blah. Because I don't have that love. I may never have that love. I'm incapable of that love. But I can sure dream about it and I guess I should be thankful for that.
The workout last night wasn't too bad. We did a lot of arm, shoulder, leg work and my arms/shoulders are pretty good so it wasn't too bad and my legs must be getting used to the pain because I can get down & off the toilet without crying out in pain. LOL. I love to sweat when a person's supposed to sweat. I do not like sweating when I'm just sitting in an office. That's just stupid. But I love to sweat when working out and boy do I ever. The rest of my body is pretty regulated - all except my head. For some reason my damn head sweats more than anything else. I've got it literally dripping off my hair. It's bizarre. And it's a good thing we wipe down the yoga mats after every session because mine has sweat drops everywhere.
Last night we worked with the exercise ball. I. Am. Not. A. Fan.
I fell off.
How can you trust it after that?
You can't. You can't trust it after falling off, so all my exercises after that were incredibly tense. I got more of a workout than most people because I was tensely struggling to stay steady on the damn thing doing planks. Geezy lou. Can't we just use the floor? The floor has never failed me. I trust the floor. Damn gravity.
We have more homework, especially because we're not meeting Wednesday night due to the holiday so we won't meet again until next Monday. I took this morning off and just did my Pilates for Abs. I'll start the Week 2 homework tomorrow. I'm sure I'll be dripping sweat. At least I don't have an exercise ball so I just fake those. Yeah!
Today, all I have to do is laundry (in the dryer now) and sand the wood filler spots on the floor. Did I tell you yesterday that Mom and I baked sugar cookies? We did and they're in the freezer just waiting for me to frost them the day before the open house. I baked (sort of). Be proud. All that's left is some fudge (no nuts, of course, Nancy) and my circle pretzel/almond bark/ M&M concoction, which I can't do until the day before. The day before the open house is going to be maddening. Lots of cleaning and baking and making more of a mess and cleaning some more. LOL. I love this shit. I love the anticipation of an event more than the event itself, so as far as I'm concerned, two people could show up and I'd still be happy....because of all the fun & stress leading up to the event. Plus, think of all the leftover goodies I'll have to pig out on! My instructor would not be happy.
Monday, November 25, 2013
"A man without a woman is a bachelor. A woman without a man is a GENIUS!" -Maxine
It's official. I'm a genius.
Well, no word Friday about the job so now I'm holding out hope they'll call today. I should probably check my mail. There's probably a rejection letter somewhere in there. I haven't gotten the mail since Wednesday so.....maybe. However, I just don't want to drive. In fact, I'm texting Shan this morning to see if I can just ride with her tonight to the workout-from-hell. I've done the homework (Shan gave me her copy since I mysteriously lost mine). However, I didn't workout this morning since we're going tonight. It feels weird & out-of-sorts. I feel like I'm missing something....and I am. My heart rate increasing.
I'm already bored. I seriously need a job.
I do need to take a blow dryer to the plastic on my windows in the living room. They're the only ones that make noise (that I notice) so I need to tighten them up before the open house. It's a bit annoying to listen to "crinkle, crinkle, crinkle" all day & night. I was going to take care of this yesterday, but I got seriously lazy and ate the whole roll of cinnamon rolls then crashed into a food coma. I, literally, did nothing yesterday. I can't have another day like that. I will make shit up if I have to, but I cannot sit on my ass all day & do nothing like yesterday.
I'm distracted this morning by the beast in my house:
And now he's disappeared so only FSM knows what he's into. *deep breath*
And now I'm just sitting and staring so I guess that's all I've got for now....Off to stare at the t.v. until the sun comes up a little bit more.
Well, no word Friday about the job so now I'm holding out hope they'll call today. I should probably check my mail. There's probably a rejection letter somewhere in there. I haven't gotten the mail since Wednesday so.....maybe. However, I just don't want to drive. In fact, I'm texting Shan this morning to see if I can just ride with her tonight to the workout-from-hell. I've done the homework (Shan gave me her copy since I mysteriously lost mine). However, I didn't workout this morning since we're going tonight. It feels weird & out-of-sorts. I feel like I'm missing something....and I am. My heart rate increasing.
I'm already bored. I seriously need a job.
I do need to take a blow dryer to the plastic on my windows in the living room. They're the only ones that make noise (that I notice) so I need to tighten them up before the open house. It's a bit annoying to listen to "crinkle, crinkle, crinkle" all day & night. I was going to take care of this yesterday, but I got seriously lazy and ate the whole roll of cinnamon rolls then crashed into a food coma. I, literally, did nothing yesterday. I can't have another day like that. I will make shit up if I have to, but I cannot sit on my ass all day & do nothing like yesterday.
I'm distracted this morning by the beast in my house:
 |
| It all started here. "Get off the damn table! That's disgusting! Are you eating the pine cone?" |
 |
| Then to here: licking/biting the tree. I think it must feel like my hair. |
 |
| And we ended up here. Distracted? Yepper. |
And now I'm just sitting and staring so I guess that's all I've got for now....Off to stare at the t.v. until the sun comes up a little bit more.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
"When making Thanksgiving dinner, do your giblets end up in the gravy? Or do you wear a bra when you cook?" -Maxine
I ate so much yesterday, I worked out this morning. I couldn't stand the guilt and knew I'd feel better after working out, EVEN THOUGH IT'S SUNDAY. I ate, around 10:00, 2 Eggo waffles and 4 Toaster Streudels. I think you're supposed to choose one or the other and only eat 2 of whatever you choose. Then Younger Brother called and wanted me to join him shopping for his girlfriend. I had just gotten comfortable in my recliner, under the warm electric throw, with Elvis perched atop the recliner, ready for my after-gorging-nap.....and I said Yes. Idiot that I am. I hate shopping and I hate shopping this time of year and I especially hate shopping on a Saturday. But I especially love Younger Brother so I went.
We first had to drop off the two younger boys and if there isn't anything more than two rambunctious boys that wants to make me smoke, I don't know what it is. I had to wait until we dropped them off, an hour and a 1/2 later. I did a lot of deep breathing and tried to find my happy place. LOL.
Shopping was o.k. The crowds were terrible everywhere we went. He got some nice stuff for her and I talked him down from buying her a $230 foot massager. Thank goodness I was there. I'm pretty sure he would have bought it.
We didn't know where we wanted to eat but I knew I wanted to get the hell out of dodge, so we went back to the car & cruised around until we found something. He swore there was a "Legends" restaurant down the road.....there wasn't. But I got out his GPS and found one. It was not the one we thought it was and it was, seriously, a bad idea. It was like a hometown bar. Everyone was there, drinking, and watching the games. I just wanted to eat and service was entirely too slow - possibly because the waitress was doing shots with everyone else. I justified my massive burger & fries because by the time I'd get my food, I'd be starving. I ordered a burger w/ bacon, onion rings and bbq sauce alongside fries just like Arby's makes. Delish. But I ate the whole damn thing and could barely breathe afterward.
Thus, the workout this morning.
My plan today is to make cinnamon rolls. For myself. And eat them all. LOL
The funniest thing that happened yesterday was this: We were both smoking on our way to the mall so we both had our windows down. If you're a smoker, you know this causes a cross wind in the car. I went to flick ash out my window and it blew right back in......my ear! Not shitting you. A clump of ash landed directly in my ear. Younger Brother was laughing his ass off. I'm like, "blow it out! blow it out!" He tried and since he was driving and laughing so hysterically, he couldn't hit my ear. He told me to lean my head and hit the other side to knock it out. I did, like an idiot. I was one of those people you see in the car next to you, wonder what the hell is wrong with them, then lock your doors. But hell, it worked. And as soon as I got home, I wet a Q-tip and washed out my ear.
Ahhh, the dangers of smoking - not just fire & cancer!
Today looks to be a relaxing and boring day. I don't even have to do anything to the wood that I filled yesterday. Nope. Just leaving it until tomorrow, after we're sure it's totally dry. *sigh* So what am I supposed to do today? Eat and nap, apparently. It's still too cold to walk the dogs. I don't really want to go outside because it's still slick as snot. I don't want to drive my car, even to the post office, because, well, it's still slick as snot. I don't want to clean, yet, because I know I'm going to be cleaning my ass off next week in preparation of the open house. What else is there to do but watch t.v.? I sure hope the Steelers are on today because otherwise, it's just not worth watching. I should read. See? There's a should! Haven't really thought about should's in awhile, but really, I should read. It's a damn good book. Instead of "should", I "will" read. And I'll apply for a job, if one's available....I will. I really will.
Off to get more coffee and re-start my day!
We first had to drop off the two younger boys and if there isn't anything more than two rambunctious boys that wants to make me smoke, I don't know what it is. I had to wait until we dropped them off, an hour and a 1/2 later. I did a lot of deep breathing and tried to find my happy place. LOL.
Shopping was o.k. The crowds were terrible everywhere we went. He got some nice stuff for her and I talked him down from buying her a $230 foot massager. Thank goodness I was there. I'm pretty sure he would have bought it.
We didn't know where we wanted to eat but I knew I wanted to get the hell out of dodge, so we went back to the car & cruised around until we found something. He swore there was a "Legends" restaurant down the road.....there wasn't. But I got out his GPS and found one. It was not the one we thought it was and it was, seriously, a bad idea. It was like a hometown bar. Everyone was there, drinking, and watching the games. I just wanted to eat and service was entirely too slow - possibly because the waitress was doing shots with everyone else. I justified my massive burger & fries because by the time I'd get my food, I'd be starving. I ordered a burger w/ bacon, onion rings and bbq sauce alongside fries just like Arby's makes. Delish. But I ate the whole damn thing and could barely breathe afterward.
Thus, the workout this morning.
My plan today is to make cinnamon rolls. For myself. And eat them all. LOL
The funniest thing that happened yesterday was this: We were both smoking on our way to the mall so we both had our windows down. If you're a smoker, you know this causes a cross wind in the car. I went to flick ash out my window and it blew right back in......my ear! Not shitting you. A clump of ash landed directly in my ear. Younger Brother was laughing his ass off. I'm like, "blow it out! blow it out!" He tried and since he was driving and laughing so hysterically, he couldn't hit my ear. He told me to lean my head and hit the other side to knock it out. I did, like an idiot. I was one of those people you see in the car next to you, wonder what the hell is wrong with them, then lock your doors. But hell, it worked. And as soon as I got home, I wet a Q-tip and washed out my ear.
Ahhh, the dangers of smoking - not just fire & cancer!
Today looks to be a relaxing and boring day. I don't even have to do anything to the wood that I filled yesterday. Nope. Just leaving it until tomorrow, after we're sure it's totally dry. *sigh* So what am I supposed to do today? Eat and nap, apparently. It's still too cold to walk the dogs. I don't really want to go outside because it's still slick as snot. I don't want to drive my car, even to the post office, because, well, it's still slick as snot. I don't want to clean, yet, because I know I'm going to be cleaning my ass off next week in preparation of the open house. What else is there to do but watch t.v.? I sure hope the Steelers are on today because otherwise, it's just not worth watching. I should read. See? There's a should! Haven't really thought about should's in awhile, but really, I should read. It's a damn good book. Instead of "should", I "will" read. And I'll apply for a job, if one's available....I will. I really will.
Off to get more coffee and re-start my day!
Saturday, November 23, 2013
"Chocolate reduces stress. And it's so much quieter than throwing a screaming fit." -Maxine
It's Saturday! One more day until I can just crawl out of bed, not workout, and have a nice warm cup of coffee! I sooooo look forward to Sundays.
I joined the crew last night @ my dad's church to do our WinterShred homework (& to get the 1/2 sheet of paper I lost). They did much more than I did in the morning, so I'm glad I went. There were 2 Circuits. I only did one and repeated it. They went through both Circuits once then repeated them both and wanted to repeat them again! Luckily one of us (not me, of course) had a date to get ready for so we ended after 2 rounds. I broke a sweat, but just barely. Though my legs feel like something's wrong. They don't want to work at all. They hurt like hell. I wonder if I pulled something in my right leg already. Ah well, it'll heal. I'm sure it's just mass soreness from being so out of shape.
How is that possible? I'd been doing Pilates for at least two months. I'm losing faith in Pilates, though Shan says the reason I'm able to 'plank' is because of the Pilates for Abs. I'd say she's right. Otherwise, I'd just be lying on the floor. LOL. I did the Abs workout this morning because I don't feel like we got any of that this week. Shan says it's coming and to get ready. She has me scared. Very, very scared.
The roads are still slick as snot. Not that I would know. I haven't driven at all since it snowed and boy am I glad. Shan picked me up last night. I'm so glad because she has heated seats. Best. Invention. Ever. I'm not going anywhere today or tomorrow or Monday or Tuesday. I'm sure the snow will be melted by then. That shows you how sad my life is. I have nothing to do and nowhere to go for 4 days.
Though....Dad dropped off wood filler so I'm going to fill the major cracks in my hardwood floors this morning. That should be exciting....and take about 10 minutes.
I didn't hear from the job yesterday so I assume a letter of rejection is in the mail. *eye roll* Guess I better start looking elsewhere. I'm so not looking forward to that. Even with this job, I was nervous about what could happen. I guess I shouldn't worry about the future, but how can someone like me, not? The last job I held (for 3 weeks) didn't turn out so well. I think I almost died, though I didn't so there's my positive. LOL. I just worry things aren't going to be any different. I hope I'm wrong. I am wrong. Of course I'm wrong. I've been in therapy for almost 4 months. I've been on meds about as long. I'm healthy. Right? Right.
(Pause for cigarette, bath, etc.)
So I've begun filling the cracks in the wood. I suck at it. I can clean out the area just fine (according to me - we'll see what Dad says), but filling it is a mess and I feel like I'm doing it wrong and wasting filler. Not that there isn't enough of it, but I've called the expert for help. Here's my fill:
And here's Dad's:
So I finished up the next 3 places to fill, then vacuumed around the house to pick up Elvis' cat hair bundles (because they really are bundles of cat fur - blech). And now I've got nothin'. I'm going to put a movie in, drink some more coffee, and probably take a morning nap. lol. My life is so exciting.
I joined the crew last night @ my dad's church to do our WinterShred homework (& to get the 1/2 sheet of paper I lost). They did much more than I did in the morning, so I'm glad I went. There were 2 Circuits. I only did one and repeated it. They went through both Circuits once then repeated them both and wanted to repeat them again! Luckily one of us (not me, of course) had a date to get ready for so we ended after 2 rounds. I broke a sweat, but just barely. Though my legs feel like something's wrong. They don't want to work at all. They hurt like hell. I wonder if I pulled something in my right leg already. Ah well, it'll heal. I'm sure it's just mass soreness from being so out of shape.
How is that possible? I'd been doing Pilates for at least two months. I'm losing faith in Pilates, though Shan says the reason I'm able to 'plank' is because of the Pilates for Abs. I'd say she's right. Otherwise, I'd just be lying on the floor. LOL. I did the Abs workout this morning because I don't feel like we got any of that this week. Shan says it's coming and to get ready. She has me scared. Very, very scared.
The roads are still slick as snot. Not that I would know. I haven't driven at all since it snowed and boy am I glad. Shan picked me up last night. I'm so glad because she has heated seats. Best. Invention. Ever. I'm not going anywhere today or tomorrow or Monday or Tuesday. I'm sure the snow will be melted by then. That shows you how sad my life is. I have nothing to do and nowhere to go for 4 days.
Though....Dad dropped off wood filler so I'm going to fill the major cracks in my hardwood floors this morning. That should be exciting....and take about 10 minutes.
I didn't hear from the job yesterday so I assume a letter of rejection is in the mail. *eye roll* Guess I better start looking elsewhere. I'm so not looking forward to that. Even with this job, I was nervous about what could happen. I guess I shouldn't worry about the future, but how can someone like me, not? The last job I held (for 3 weeks) didn't turn out so well. I think I almost died, though I didn't so there's my positive. LOL. I just worry things aren't going to be any different. I hope I'm wrong. I am wrong. Of course I'm wrong. I've been in therapy for almost 4 months. I've been on meds about as long. I'm healthy. Right? Right.
(Pause for cigarette, bath, etc.)
So I've begun filling the cracks in the wood. I suck at it. I can clean out the area just fine (according to me - we'll see what Dad says), but filling it is a mess and I feel like I'm doing it wrong and wasting filler. Not that there isn't enough of it, but I've called the expert for help. Here's my fill:
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| I was too concerned with getting filler on the adjoining boards. |
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| Notice how much smoother his is - Now I got it! |
Friday, November 22, 2013
"If you have to take names, it means you're not kicking butt fast enough." -Maxine
I'm just waiting for the sun to come up. I don't really have anything to blog about. Really. My life is pretty boring. I was in bed by 6:30 last night because I wanted the warmth & comfort of my bed. I think I stayed awake until 7. LOL. I did wake up at 10:30 and was pissed about that. But it allowed me to peek out my curtain window and see the lovely snow blanketing my porch, sidewalk, yard and street. Thus, I'm waiting for the sun to come up so I can go sweep the porches and shovel the driveway. Garbage pick-up is today so I need a non-snowy area to put my garbage can. Don't want it freezing to the yard.
I'm excited to shovel. I wonder how long that will last. There's a ton of ice underneath the snow (at least I'm assuming there is since we got a lot of freezing rain before the actual snow, though I don't know that for a fact since I haven't stepped outside since 7 yesterday morning).
I assume if I don't hear anything today from the job interview that I didn't get it. *eye roll* Here's what I've been thinking about: If I apply for a part-time job with, say, a gas station, they're going to want me to work when they want me to work. Could be a Sunday. As in Sunday, December 8th, the open house. Could be they want me to work on Christmas. They're open every damn day! Ugh, I don't know what to do.
I did my WinterShred workout this morning. When I woke up last night at 10:30, I'd been dreaming about texting so I checked my phone and sure enough, I had a text from Shan. She wanted to know if I wanted to join the little hamlet group tonight at 5 to do the workout. I'm a morning person. By 5PM, I'm pretty much nested. Or I'm eating, then putting on my pajama's and it isn't too long before I'm in bed. Nesting. Or hibernating, if you want to call it that. I'm not a bear, though.
I'd like to join the group just to be a part of the group and have some human interaction, but I work out in the mornings, when I can. I guess I could do two workouts today. Wouldn't kill me, I don't think. And here's a funny: The instructor gave us a 1/2 sheet of paper with the two different Circuit Workouts to do on our own. I used it this morning, put it back under my coffee table and now it's gone. Seriously gone. I've looked under the couch. I've looked under the recliner. I've even unrolled both yoga mats to see if I accidentally rolled it into them. I didn't. That'd be stupid. However, I can't find it anywhere. How ridiculous is that? Or scary. Maybe Alice stole it and doesn't want me doing jumping jacks on her hardwood living room floor.
So maybe I should join the group just to get a copy of that 1/2 sheet of paper. Without it, I have no clue what I'm supposed to be doing. Or I guess, I could make up my own. I still have the booklet with each workout description, so I could do that. Unless Alice steals that, too. Sorry Alice. I'm going to workout no matter what. You don't scare me. AAACCCKKKK!
(Pause to go shovel snow)
OK, I still love shoveling snow. The only problem is, I have no good gloves. My right hand turned to ice almost immediately. I think I got frost bite when I was little and so any cold to that hand is immediate. There was a bus ride when I was little, I distinctly remember; the heater wasn't working and I froze. It happens.
I swept my two porches, shoveled my driveway and mostly shoveled the one sidewalk I have. I got a little lazy towards the end and just ran the shovel down the middle of the walk. If any children actually walk to school today, they can walk single file. My goal in shoveling isn't to clear the walk, necessarily, for other people - that actually caused more harm than good because underneath all the snow is ice. No, my goal is to let the sun heat it up and burn it off.
It's so pretty out:
I love my house. Except for the dust & cat hair under the couch I saw this morning as I was looking for the 1/2 sheet of paper. But that's not the houses fault. I blame Elvis completely.
Notice the snow can't even cover all the leaves in the yard. How is that possible?!? We've raked 3 times already. I refuse to do any more. Flat out refuse.
(Pause for morning nap)
I am hungry ALL. THE. TIME. I wonder if it has to do with the working out or with the "it's-freezing-out-eat-&-add-fat"? Whatever it is, it can't be good so I'm planning to go to the workout tonight at 5 and do it all over again. I need the 1/2 sheet anyway.
It's 12:30 and I'm bored out of my mind. That's why I took a morning nap. Who takes a morning nap? I do, that's who. The person who's bored. I'm racking my brain, trying to think of something to do. I finished a book (World War Z) fin-a-lly and started a new one (A Wanted Man by Lee Child) but you know me & books. It takes awhile to get into them and once I start reading, my eyes start that downward thing....closing and then a nap inevitably follows. I'm determined to get through this book, though.
I'll think of something to do. I will, I will, I will.
I'm excited to shovel. I wonder how long that will last. There's a ton of ice underneath the snow (at least I'm assuming there is since we got a lot of freezing rain before the actual snow, though I don't know that for a fact since I haven't stepped outside since 7 yesterday morning).
I assume if I don't hear anything today from the job interview that I didn't get it. *eye roll* Here's what I've been thinking about: If I apply for a part-time job with, say, a gas station, they're going to want me to work when they want me to work. Could be a Sunday. As in Sunday, December 8th, the open house. Could be they want me to work on Christmas. They're open every damn day! Ugh, I don't know what to do.
I did my WinterShred workout this morning. When I woke up last night at 10:30, I'd been dreaming about texting so I checked my phone and sure enough, I had a text from Shan. She wanted to know if I wanted to join the little hamlet group tonight at 5 to do the workout. I'm a morning person. By 5PM, I'm pretty much nested. Or I'm eating, then putting on my pajama's and it isn't too long before I'm in bed. Nesting. Or hibernating, if you want to call it that. I'm not a bear, though.
I'd like to join the group just to be a part of the group and have some human interaction, but I work out in the mornings, when I can. I guess I could do two workouts today. Wouldn't kill me, I don't think. And here's a funny: The instructor gave us a 1/2 sheet of paper with the two different Circuit Workouts to do on our own. I used it this morning, put it back under my coffee table and now it's gone. Seriously gone. I've looked under the couch. I've looked under the recliner. I've even unrolled both yoga mats to see if I accidentally rolled it into them. I didn't. That'd be stupid. However, I can't find it anywhere. How ridiculous is that? Or scary. Maybe Alice stole it and doesn't want me doing jumping jacks on her hardwood living room floor.
So maybe I should join the group just to get a copy of that 1/2 sheet of paper. Without it, I have no clue what I'm supposed to be doing. Or I guess, I could make up my own. I still have the booklet with each workout description, so I could do that. Unless Alice steals that, too. Sorry Alice. I'm going to workout no matter what. You don't scare me. AAACCCKKKK!
(Pause to go shovel snow)
OK, I still love shoveling snow. The only problem is, I have no good gloves. My right hand turned to ice almost immediately. I think I got frost bite when I was little and so any cold to that hand is immediate. There was a bus ride when I was little, I distinctly remember; the heater wasn't working and I froze. It happens.
I swept my two porches, shoveled my driveway and mostly shoveled the one sidewalk I have. I got a little lazy towards the end and just ran the shovel down the middle of the walk. If any children actually walk to school today, they can walk single file. My goal in shoveling isn't to clear the walk, necessarily, for other people - that actually caused more harm than good because underneath all the snow is ice. No, my goal is to let the sun heat it up and burn it off.
It's so pretty out:
I love my house. Except for the dust & cat hair under the couch I saw this morning as I was looking for the 1/2 sheet of paper. But that's not the houses fault. I blame Elvis completely.
Notice the snow can't even cover all the leaves in the yard. How is that possible?!? We've raked 3 times already. I refuse to do any more. Flat out refuse.
(Pause for morning nap)
I am hungry ALL. THE. TIME. I wonder if it has to do with the working out or with the "it's-freezing-out-eat-&-add-fat"? Whatever it is, it can't be good so I'm planning to go to the workout tonight at 5 and do it all over again. I need the 1/2 sheet anyway.
It's 12:30 and I'm bored out of my mind. That's why I took a morning nap. Who takes a morning nap? I do, that's who. The person who's bored. I'm racking my brain, trying to think of something to do. I finished a book (World War Z) fin-a-lly and started a new one (A Wanted Man by Lee Child) but you know me & books. It takes awhile to get into them and once I start reading, my eyes start that downward thing....closing and then a nap inevitably follows. I'm determined to get through this book, though.
I'll think of something to do. I will, I will, I will.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
"You can't fight progress...but I've noticed that you can unplug a good chunk of it." -Maxine
What am I going to do when I run out of Maxine quotes?
I made it to the WinterShred workout this morning at 5:30am. I'm so anxious about deer hitting my car or me hitting them that I drive like Miss Daisy, which was o.k. this morning. There aren't a lot of people on the road at 5:00AM. I even prepared a travel mug of coffee for myself AFTER the workout. It's my award.
I knew this about myself, but I really am a better workout person in the morning. We did some shit today that I couldn't do Monday night (anything involving coordination) and I did it fairly darn well. She did take it easier on the legs today than Monday night but I'm still sore as hell and now, not only will my legs continue to be sore, now my arms will also join the group. At least I've got a good core and my back is stable. That'd be a bitch.
We have homework! Actual homework! Which I'll grudgingly do because I want to get my (Mom & Dad's) money's worth and Pilates just doesn't seem to be cutting it so I'll do her damn workouts. Ugh. At least I can do them in the morning, in my own home, until Monday night. AND we're off Wednesday due to T'giving the next day so....YEAH! I'd much rather workout at home than in front of my ex-sister-in-law. Yes, she was there this morning. Not that I don't like her - I do - it's just an awkward moment. And of course, she was behind me, watching my lack of coordination doing backward kicks. At a certain point, I stop caring what I look like. I'm dripping sweat. Literally, dripping sweat into my eyes, the back of my hair and down my side-fringe. My entire head sweats more than any other part of my body. I brought a rag today to wipe myself down. I needed it. There also comes a point when I don't care what kind of noises I'm making, especially when she's having us do a push-up & tricep dip at the same damn time. Grunt - sigh - grunt - sigh - "one more, just one more". I talk to myself a lot. I'm sure they all think I'm crazy, which is just fine by me. Don't talk to me. Don't touch me. Just leave me the hell alone so I can die peacefully on this yoga mat.
Last night was Dad's church's T'giving dinner. Shan delivered my meal to me because she knows I hate people and the other delivery person, too. She's such a good friend. The meal was FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC. I ate every last drop of food. I may have even licked the plate. Let me tempt you with all that I ate:
Turkey
Ham
Stuffing (may be the best I've ever had. I think it even had chicken in it!)
Mashed potatoes & gravy
Corn
Broccoli/date/sesame seed salad - delish!
And ended with Cherry Pie!
Our church has to have thee best T'giving dinner ever. And worth every penny (of Dad's money). My justification for eating such a large meal was this: I'd only eaten one bowl of cereal all day and I needed to store up carbs & proteins for the workout this morning. It worked! But I'm pretty sure I didn't lose any weight this a.m.
As sore as I am and as much as I bitch about it, this workout may be the best thing for me. I'm out of the house. I'm with other people. I'm sweating my ass off. I'm working muscles that haven't had to work since high school. I'm going to be one buff chick after this. It feels good to sweat. All good.
We're in for a cold front today along with the possibility of freezing rain/sleet/snow so I'm going to pop in a few Christmas-related movies, sip my hot cup of coffee, and cuddle with Elvis. All of which is not good for my muscles, but I'll deal with that later.
On a sort-of-downer note: I received notice in the mail that the grant I submitted for around $400 was only awarded $100. Darn. I'm sure the Fire Department will be happy with whatever they get, but I sure wish it had been more. On a positive note: I wrote a grant and it was awarded money. Positive, positive, positive.
Still trying.....
I made it to the WinterShred workout this morning at 5:30am. I'm so anxious about deer hitting my car or me hitting them that I drive like Miss Daisy, which was o.k. this morning. There aren't a lot of people on the road at 5:00AM. I even prepared a travel mug of coffee for myself AFTER the workout. It's my award.
I knew this about myself, but I really am a better workout person in the morning. We did some shit today that I couldn't do Monday night (anything involving coordination) and I did it fairly darn well. She did take it easier on the legs today than Monday night but I'm still sore as hell and now, not only will my legs continue to be sore, now my arms will also join the group. At least I've got a good core and my back is stable. That'd be a bitch.
We have homework! Actual homework! Which I'll grudgingly do because I want to get my (Mom & Dad's) money's worth and Pilates just doesn't seem to be cutting it so I'll do her damn workouts. Ugh. At least I can do them in the morning, in my own home, until Monday night. AND we're off Wednesday due to T'giving the next day so....YEAH! I'd much rather workout at home than in front of my ex-sister-in-law. Yes, she was there this morning. Not that I don't like her - I do - it's just an awkward moment. And of course, she was behind me, watching my lack of coordination doing backward kicks. At a certain point, I stop caring what I look like. I'm dripping sweat. Literally, dripping sweat into my eyes, the back of my hair and down my side-fringe. My entire head sweats more than any other part of my body. I brought a rag today to wipe myself down. I needed it. There also comes a point when I don't care what kind of noises I'm making, especially when she's having us do a push-up & tricep dip at the same damn time. Grunt - sigh - grunt - sigh - "one more, just one more". I talk to myself a lot. I'm sure they all think I'm crazy, which is just fine by me. Don't talk to me. Don't touch me. Just leave me the hell alone so I can die peacefully on this yoga mat.
Last night was Dad's church's T'giving dinner. Shan delivered my meal to me because she knows I hate people and the other delivery person, too. She's such a good friend. The meal was FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC. I ate every last drop of food. I may have even licked the plate. Let me tempt you with all that I ate:
Turkey
Ham
Stuffing (may be the best I've ever had. I think it even had chicken in it!)
Mashed potatoes & gravy
Corn
Broccoli/date/sesame seed salad - delish!
And ended with Cherry Pie!
Our church has to have thee best T'giving dinner ever. And worth every penny (of Dad's money). My justification for eating such a large meal was this: I'd only eaten one bowl of cereal all day and I needed to store up carbs & proteins for the workout this morning. It worked! But I'm pretty sure I didn't lose any weight this a.m.
As sore as I am and as much as I bitch about it, this workout may be the best thing for me. I'm out of the house. I'm with other people. I'm sweating my ass off. I'm working muscles that haven't had to work since high school. I'm going to be one buff chick after this. It feels good to sweat. All good.
We're in for a cold front today along with the possibility of freezing rain/sleet/snow so I'm going to pop in a few Christmas-related movies, sip my hot cup of coffee, and cuddle with Elvis. All of which is not good for my muscles, but I'll deal with that later.
On a sort-of-downer note: I received notice in the mail that the grant I submitted for around $400 was only awarded $100. Darn. I'm sure the Fire Department will be happy with whatever they get, but I sure wish it had been more. On a positive note: I wrote a grant and it was awarded money. Positive, positive, positive.
Still trying.....
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
"I can be happy with very little. I just choose not to be." -Maxine
I woke up walking like a very old woman. Slowly shuffling, hunched over. I need a handrail by my toilet and bathtub. And a walker for the rest of the day.
I immediately did my Pilates and even added a set: Pilates for Flexibility. I did that one first to stretch everything out and get warmed up. It helped except my legs are still weak as hell. Even during Pilates for Abs, there's a lot of leg-work and they shook like I was in the middle of an earthquake. I flipped Laura off several times. I don't think I can do that with my real-life instructor.
I emailed & hand-delivered my Save the Date for the open house. I even left one stuck under a pumpkin by the front door. I've already rec'd two regrets and a maybe. Which is good, I guess, but I'd rather hear some "I'll be there!" first. I envision nobody showing up. Ah well, at least my house will be clean!
I have therapy today. I honestly have no idea what I'm going to talk about. That I'm sore as hell? That I had a job interview? Whoop-di-doo. Doesn't really move me forward in the mental health state of things.
I appealed my denial of disability yesterday and applied for Medicaid. At least I did it. I wasn't sure I would be able to; that it would just seem like too much and for no purpose. But it was simple, which makes me wonder if I did everything I was supposed to. Hmmmmm.
Later that day....
Therapy was good. My therapist is proud of my progress - getting out of my comfort zone, working out, interview, etc, etc, etc. Positive thoughts....
I'm not going to WinterShred tonight because it's my Dad's churches big T'giving dinner and I just want to pig out. Plus Shan's working the church thing and skipping the workout, too, and my philosophy is - since she got me into this - if she's not there, I'm not there. However, I do have the option of going tomorrow morning. I've been debating all day and just now sent the email to the instructor, letting her know I'd like to join tomorrow morning's class. WHAT DID I DO? lol I figure it's better to keep doing it rather than skip a whole week then be in pain again next Monday-Wednesday! Maybe she won't be so hard on my legs this time and I only have to do what I can do. I have to remember that.
Now I'm actually looking forward to it. See what a little positivity can do?
I told my therapist, "I hate it when people tell me to 'just think happy thoughts' when I'm depressed. If I could think happy thoughts, don't you think I fucking would?!?" But now I can because I'm not as depressed as I was before. When you're depressed, your thoughts are irrational; you're dull & dimwitted. You're lucky to get out of bed, let's face it. But now. Now I can choose. I choose happy.
I immediately did my Pilates and even added a set: Pilates for Flexibility. I did that one first to stretch everything out and get warmed up. It helped except my legs are still weak as hell. Even during Pilates for Abs, there's a lot of leg-work and they shook like I was in the middle of an earthquake. I flipped Laura off several times. I don't think I can do that with my real-life instructor.
I emailed & hand-delivered my Save the Date for the open house. I even left one stuck under a pumpkin by the front door. I've already rec'd two regrets and a maybe. Which is good, I guess, but I'd rather hear some "I'll be there!" first. I envision nobody showing up. Ah well, at least my house will be clean!
I have therapy today. I honestly have no idea what I'm going to talk about. That I'm sore as hell? That I had a job interview? Whoop-di-doo. Doesn't really move me forward in the mental health state of things.
I appealed my denial of disability yesterday and applied for Medicaid. At least I did it. I wasn't sure I would be able to; that it would just seem like too much and for no purpose. But it was simple, which makes me wonder if I did everything I was supposed to. Hmmmmm.
Later that day....
Therapy was good. My therapist is proud of my progress - getting out of my comfort zone, working out, interview, etc, etc, etc. Positive thoughts....
I'm not going to WinterShred tonight because it's my Dad's churches big T'giving dinner and I just want to pig out. Plus Shan's working the church thing and skipping the workout, too, and my philosophy is - since she got me into this - if she's not there, I'm not there. However, I do have the option of going tomorrow morning. I've been debating all day and just now sent the email to the instructor, letting her know I'd like to join tomorrow morning's class. WHAT DID I DO? lol I figure it's better to keep doing it rather than skip a whole week then be in pain again next Monday-Wednesday! Maybe she won't be so hard on my legs this time and I only have to do what I can do. I have to remember that.
Now I'm actually looking forward to it. See what a little positivity can do?
I told my therapist, "I hate it when people tell me to 'just think happy thoughts' when I'm depressed. If I could think happy thoughts, don't you think I fucking would?!?" But now I can because I'm not as depressed as I was before. When you're depressed, your thoughts are irrational; you're dull & dimwitted. You're lucky to get out of bed, let's face it. But now. Now I can choose. I choose happy.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
"It's that time of year again - when my "fat pants" just become "pants"". -Maxine
Not for me, though! This WinterShred workout is going to keep me slim & trim (as Laura from my Pilates video always told me - what did she know?)
I'm not as sore today as I feel like I will be tomorrow. It always takes a couple of days to really feel the pain, so I held off on my IcyHot bath this morning, though I did pop 3 Advil. Every time I sit down, I can barely get back up, but once I'm up, I'm o.k. Think I'll just remain standing all day long. Yeah right. LOL
It feels weird to not work out in the morning. I can drink my coffee right away without any guilt or repercussions. Feels odd. I think I will do my Pilates tomorrow a.m. (if I can move) because I'm going to miss tomorrow night's workout for the church dinner - of which I'm not attending, but will be ordering carry-out and eating glorious Thanksgiving food at home! I think that's called 'gorging'. Yep. If I'm going to sweat my ass off every Monday & Wednesday for 8 weeks, then I'm going to gorge. It's my right.
I emailed the Save the Date image out to folks so I guess now it's really happening. This morning, I'll go around to everyone in town I'm inviting and drop off the 1/2 sheet of paper that says Save the Date. I hope some folks are home so I can explain that an actual invite will be on its way - hand delivered, of course, because I refuse to waste stamps when I can walk two steps and deliver them.
I'm excited for the open house, regardless of how many people show up. It gives me something to do in the meantime, like clean. Dad & I still have to hang the greenery from the front columns, then I can really start cleaning. That shit drops green stuff everywhere throughout the house so I refuse to clean until it's out of the house & up.
On a depressing but unsurprising note, I rec'd notice that I was denied SSI or Disability benefits. I need to appeal and it seems so daunting and pointless. But I'll do it because people think I should. The issue SS had with my application is that, while I'm clearly unable to work right now, it is unlikely to last 12 months. A person has to be disabled for 12 months or the likelihood has to be there. SS thinks I'll be able to work by May 2014. I sure as hell hope so. But I'll appeal anyway. What else do I have to do, right?
I don't understand the whole "12 months" thing. What's a person supposed to do in those 12 months they can't work? How are they supposed to support themselves? I just don't get it. It's no wonder so many mentally ill people are homeless.
Well, I'm not ending this post on that note, so here's a picture of Elvis that I tried to catch this morning. I've moved Frosty to an actual, real-person chair and Elvis is still tweaking Frosty's scarf. I pulled a loose piece of yarn from it yesterday. Elvis will swallow yarn, he's that stupid, so I have to be careful. AND, I found the non-scarf I made in his water dish last night when I got home. He was pissed and when he's pissed, it goes in his water dish. Well, guess what? Two people can play that game. It went in the garbage, after it dried out. Mwahahahahaha. That's my evil laugh.
I'm not as sore today as I feel like I will be tomorrow. It always takes a couple of days to really feel the pain, so I held off on my IcyHot bath this morning, though I did pop 3 Advil. Every time I sit down, I can barely get back up, but once I'm up, I'm o.k. Think I'll just remain standing all day long. Yeah right. LOL
It feels weird to not work out in the morning. I can drink my coffee right away without any guilt or repercussions. Feels odd. I think I will do my Pilates tomorrow a.m. (if I can move) because I'm going to miss tomorrow night's workout for the church dinner - of which I'm not attending, but will be ordering carry-out and eating glorious Thanksgiving food at home! I think that's called 'gorging'. Yep. If I'm going to sweat my ass off every Monday & Wednesday for 8 weeks, then I'm going to gorge. It's my right.
I emailed the Save the Date image out to folks so I guess now it's really happening. This morning, I'll go around to everyone in town I'm inviting and drop off the 1/2 sheet of paper that says Save the Date. I hope some folks are home so I can explain that an actual invite will be on its way - hand delivered, of course, because I refuse to waste stamps when I can walk two steps and deliver them.
I'm excited for the open house, regardless of how many people show up. It gives me something to do in the meantime, like clean. Dad & I still have to hang the greenery from the front columns, then I can really start cleaning. That shit drops green stuff everywhere throughout the house so I refuse to clean until it's out of the house & up.
On a depressing but unsurprising note, I rec'd notice that I was denied SSI or Disability benefits. I need to appeal and it seems so daunting and pointless. But I'll do it because people think I should. The issue SS had with my application is that, while I'm clearly unable to work right now, it is unlikely to last 12 months. A person has to be disabled for 12 months or the likelihood has to be there. SS thinks I'll be able to work by May 2014. I sure as hell hope so. But I'll appeal anyway. What else do I have to do, right?
I don't understand the whole "12 months" thing. What's a person supposed to do in those 12 months they can't work? How are they supposed to support themselves? I just don't get it. It's no wonder so many mentally ill people are homeless.
Well, I'm not ending this post on that note, so here's a picture of Elvis that I tried to catch this morning. I've moved Frosty to an actual, real-person chair and Elvis is still tweaking Frosty's scarf. I pulled a loose piece of yarn from it yesterday. Elvis will swallow yarn, he's that stupid, so I have to be careful. AND, I found the non-scarf I made in his water dish last night when I got home. He was pissed and when he's pissed, it goes in his water dish. Well, guess what? Two people can play that game. It went in the garbage, after it dried out. Mwahahahahaha. That's my evil laugh.
Monday, November 18, 2013
I'm not going to be able to move tomorrow. And I blame Shan.
I should take a bath in Icy Hot.
I was anxious, literally all day long about tonight. I was anxious about the work out. I was mostly anxious about the shower afterwards & time management. I was a little anxious about the interview. I think something is wrong when I'm more anxious about a shower than an interview.
WinterShred almost killed me. I almost passed out. My legs turned into jelly. BUT I DID IT! And it didn't kill me. I didn't pass out. My legs held me up. I've never sweat so much in my life and it felt great. GREAT! Do I want to do it again? Hell no! LOL But I will because Shan's a slave driver & Mom/Dad paid for it.
I don't have to do it again until next Monday. I should be recovered by then.
I had plenty of time to shower and get ready, though I'm not sure I'm really, truly clean. Ya' know what I mean? It was smaller than the size of a phone booth and not like a real shower. It was just odd and I never want to have to shower there again. Ever.
I cruised up & down 10th Street for 15 minutes until I felt it was appropriate to stop & go inside for the interview.
I think I was an idiot. I always think I'm an idiot and usually when I think I'm an idiot, I do well. So we'll see, but I think not having a clear understanding of what the organization is hurt me. I'd be surprised if they'd hire me. They don't concisely say what exactly it is they do on their website! Someone needs to rectify that. Someone like me. LOL I should have said that.
It's way past my bedtime. It's 8:30.
Even my ass hurts. I think it's time to hit the hay. Someone will have to come over and get me out of bed tomorrow.
I was anxious, literally all day long about tonight. I was anxious about the work out. I was mostly anxious about the shower afterwards & time management. I was a little anxious about the interview. I think something is wrong when I'm more anxious about a shower than an interview.
WinterShred almost killed me. I almost passed out. My legs turned into jelly. BUT I DID IT! And it didn't kill me. I didn't pass out. My legs held me up. I've never sweat so much in my life and it felt great. GREAT! Do I want to do it again? Hell no! LOL But I will because Shan's a slave driver & Mom/Dad paid for it.
I don't have to do it again until next Monday. I should be recovered by then.
I had plenty of time to shower and get ready, though I'm not sure I'm really, truly clean. Ya' know what I mean? It was smaller than the size of a phone booth and not like a real shower. It was just odd and I never want to have to shower there again. Ever.
I cruised up & down 10th Street for 15 minutes until I felt it was appropriate to stop & go inside for the interview.
I think I was an idiot. I always think I'm an idiot and usually when I think I'm an idiot, I do well. So we'll see, but I think not having a clear understanding of what the organization is hurt me. I'd be surprised if they'd hire me. They don't concisely say what exactly it is they do on their website! Someone needs to rectify that. Someone like me. LOL I should have said that.
It's way past my bedtime. It's 8:30.
Even my ass hurts. I think it's time to hit the hay. Someone will have to come over and get me out of bed tomorrow.
"I'm singing in the rain - so there's another reason for everyone to stay inside!" -Maxine
What more is there to write about?
Well, since this is a blog about addiction, I think I'll talk about that.
I'm surprised by how many known alcoholics there are in this little hamlet. It shouldn't surprise me. For a lot of people, it probably started out like, "This is all there is to do. Let's head to the bar" then it spiraled. Or maybe they've always been. Who knows their true story? No one but them.
There are days I worry about my thinking. Those days when there isn't a lot to do; when I'm just sitting on the couch, staring at the television (& nothing is ever on!). I worry because for me, boredom is a BIG trigger. That and solitude. If I get too lonely, I'll search for companionship anywhere.
My mom was telling a story of a woman - I can't even remember her name, thank the FSM - who was a truck stop hooker. What do they call those? There's a name for them. Lot lizard? I think that's it. Mom was wondering what would make a woman do that.
I almost did that.
Not this last round of drinking, but the previous one - that would be over 7 years ago. I was working, but the pay was nil and when you spend all your money on booze, money is even more in demand. I would go to the bar with quarters, for pity's sake, and know some guy would end up plying me with booze in the hopes of getting lucky. None ever did, thank the FSM, but they were my suppliers. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the point when I got sick of making an ass of myself at the bar, which inevitably would happen, and so I'd just drink at home. I remember sitting in the Kum & Go parking lot in pure daylight, counting my change to see what I could buy and wondering if anybody would be willing to pay me for my body. That was my thought. Not what an ass I'd make of myself. Not that it'd be illegal. Not that it'd be a horrible way to make money - how demeaning. No, none of that was what I thought about. I actually wondered if anybody would be willing to pay me for my body.
Like a john would be real particular, amiright?
I never did it. Obviously. Otherwise, you'd have heard of it by now. But I thought about it and that's bad enough. I always came up with enough money. I started walking my neighbor's dog to earn a little extra which all went to booze, but at least I didn't sink to the level of selling myself.
It's shocking to me, that back then, over 7 years ago, I didn't realize I was an alcoholic. Or I denied it. I was in denial. Mom even took me to an AA meeting and all I did was sob like an idiot and never went back. I just slowly stopped drinking - after putting myself in the hospital. But I never thought of myself as an alcoholic- that I can remember. I was sober for 3 years. Best 3 years of my life. 2006-2009. Even better than these last two because these last two have been extremely stressful and difficult.
I feel like I'm seeing a light, though it's a small pinpoint, at least it's a light, at the end of this tunnel. I've been through a very stressful time at my previous employer; I put up with a lot of shit from a lot of people there. I've moved, which is a huge deal. I said I'd never move and look what I did? I'm glad I did because....I've dealt with severe anxiety, then severe depression. I've been unemployed for....8 months, pretty much. I don't count those 3 weeks of work. I couldn't have gone through all those things without my parents, who are just down the street, thank the FSM. This house couldn't be more perfect, and not because of my decorations or anything like that - it's location is perfect; it's the perfect house for me. For me. Maybe not for anybody else, but definitely - me.
I see a light, though small it may be.....
Well, since this is a blog about addiction, I think I'll talk about that.
I'm surprised by how many known alcoholics there are in this little hamlet. It shouldn't surprise me. For a lot of people, it probably started out like, "This is all there is to do. Let's head to the bar" then it spiraled. Or maybe they've always been. Who knows their true story? No one but them.
There are days I worry about my thinking. Those days when there isn't a lot to do; when I'm just sitting on the couch, staring at the television (& nothing is ever on!). I worry because for me, boredom is a BIG trigger. That and solitude. If I get too lonely, I'll search for companionship anywhere.
My mom was telling a story of a woman - I can't even remember her name, thank the FSM - who was a truck stop hooker. What do they call those? There's a name for them. Lot lizard? I think that's it. Mom was wondering what would make a woman do that.
I almost did that.
Not this last round of drinking, but the previous one - that would be over 7 years ago. I was working, but the pay was nil and when you spend all your money on booze, money is even more in demand. I would go to the bar with quarters, for pity's sake, and know some guy would end up plying me with booze in the hopes of getting lucky. None ever did, thank the FSM, but they were my suppliers. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the point when I got sick of making an ass of myself at the bar, which inevitably would happen, and so I'd just drink at home. I remember sitting in the Kum & Go parking lot in pure daylight, counting my change to see what I could buy and wondering if anybody would be willing to pay me for my body. That was my thought. Not what an ass I'd make of myself. Not that it'd be illegal. Not that it'd be a horrible way to make money - how demeaning. No, none of that was what I thought about. I actually wondered if anybody would be willing to pay me for my body.
Like a john would be real particular, amiright?
I never did it. Obviously. Otherwise, you'd have heard of it by now. But I thought about it and that's bad enough. I always came up with enough money. I started walking my neighbor's dog to earn a little extra which all went to booze, but at least I didn't sink to the level of selling myself.
It's shocking to me, that back then, over 7 years ago, I didn't realize I was an alcoholic. Or I denied it. I was in denial. Mom even took me to an AA meeting and all I did was sob like an idiot and never went back. I just slowly stopped drinking - after putting myself in the hospital. But I never thought of myself as an alcoholic- that I can remember. I was sober for 3 years. Best 3 years of my life. 2006-2009. Even better than these last two because these last two have been extremely stressful and difficult.
I feel like I'm seeing a light, though it's a small pinpoint, at least it's a light, at the end of this tunnel. I've been through a very stressful time at my previous employer; I put up with a lot of shit from a lot of people there. I've moved, which is a huge deal. I said I'd never move and look what I did? I'm glad I did because....I've dealt with severe anxiety, then severe depression. I've been unemployed for....8 months, pretty much. I don't count those 3 weeks of work. I couldn't have gone through all those things without my parents, who are just down the street, thank the FSM. This house couldn't be more perfect, and not because of my decorations or anything like that - it's location is perfect; it's the perfect house for me. For me. Maybe not for anybody else, but definitely - me.
I see a light, though small it may be.....
Sunday, November 17, 2013
It's a winter wonderland! Well, it's a wonderland. Not quite wintry, yet.
Dad came over yesterday and helped put up some more stuff outside on the side porch. We're almost done! Just the 3 front columns left to drape with greenery, then the magical wonderland will be complete!
And I finally finished the last window:
Yesterday I used an idea from Pinterest and decorated my last 6 water bottles:
And now I've got nothin'.
LOL
But seriously, I need to find more hobbies. Or just get hired at the job interview Monday night. I'm sure they'll see how wonderful I am & will want to hire me on the spot!
It's positive thought day.
I'm trying to only have positive thoughts. So far, it's - eh. Just o.k. I had weird dreams last night. I actually got up at 1:30am, put my purse organizer into a purse and brought it next to my bed because a dream told me to. Yes, I listen to my dreams, except for the next two because they were just whacked out.
I got out of bed at 4:00, again, but only because the last dream I had weirded me out. So far, I've drank a lot of coffee and dyed my hair red. Oh, and I'm doing a load of laundry. Sunday's are my day off from exercise, praise the FSM, so I could drink coffee immediately! It was awesome.
(Pause until 1:00PM)
I took a couple of naps this morning then just walked the dogs with Mom (around Noon). Right now I'm watching the Steelers (so far) kick Lion ass. I get a homemade dinner @ Mom & Dad's tonight so I'm looking forward to that. My stomach's growling now but I'm holding off for the goods.
I'm already getting my stuff ready for tomorrow night. I'm anxious I'm going to forget something important - like, deodorant. Eh, it'll be o.k. I'm always prepared and I have plenty of time tomorrow to check everything over 20 times. lol.
I'm also anxious about the Save the Date invites. They're just a 1/2 piece of paper and I'm going to walk them around to people's houses in this little hamlet? They're going to think I'm stupid, but I'll be damned if I'm going to waste a stamp! The actual invite is much better - it's an actual card that I made - so maybe they'll think more highly of me after they get that. It's my plan to hand those out & email everyone on Tuesday (probably Tuesday at 4AM). LOL
I'm heading back to the game. It sounds like it just got interesting....Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.
 |
| Dad attached the sled so smoothly, using padding & zip ties. This sucker isn't going anywhere! |
 |
| I didn't notice the greenery was crooked until after I took the picture- I think I've got it fixed now. |
And I finally finished the last window:
Yesterday I used an idea from Pinterest and decorated my last 6 water bottles:
And now I've got nothin'.
LOL
But seriously, I need to find more hobbies. Or just get hired at the job interview Monday night. I'm sure they'll see how wonderful I am & will want to hire me on the spot!
It's positive thought day.
I'm trying to only have positive thoughts. So far, it's - eh. Just o.k. I had weird dreams last night. I actually got up at 1:30am, put my purse organizer into a purse and brought it next to my bed because a dream told me to. Yes, I listen to my dreams, except for the next two because they were just whacked out.
I got out of bed at 4:00, again, but only because the last dream I had weirded me out. So far, I've drank a lot of coffee and dyed my hair red. Oh, and I'm doing a load of laundry. Sunday's are my day off from exercise, praise the FSM, so I could drink coffee immediately! It was awesome.
(Pause until 1:00PM)
I took a couple of naps this morning then just walked the dogs with Mom (around Noon). Right now I'm watching the Steelers (so far) kick Lion ass. I get a homemade dinner @ Mom & Dad's tonight so I'm looking forward to that. My stomach's growling now but I'm holding off for the goods.
I'm already getting my stuff ready for tomorrow night. I'm anxious I'm going to forget something important - like, deodorant. Eh, it'll be o.k. I'm always prepared and I have plenty of time tomorrow to check everything over 20 times. lol.
I'm also anxious about the Save the Date invites. They're just a 1/2 piece of paper and I'm going to walk them around to people's houses in this little hamlet? They're going to think I'm stupid, but I'll be damned if I'm going to waste a stamp! The actual invite is much better - it's an actual card that I made - so maybe they'll think more highly of me after they get that. It's my plan to hand those out & email everyone on Tuesday (probably Tuesday at 4AM). LOL
I'm heading back to the game. It sounds like it just got interesting....Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
"Either tonight's a full moon, or my neighbor forgot to close his bathroom curtains again." - Maxine
I didn't see the moon last night, but heard about it on my phone call with Shannon. She ooohed and ahhhed over it and I just sat on my ass pretending I was looking at the same thing she was. Then I went to bed. I didn't see the moon. It's too cloudy to see it right now so I guess I'll have to wait until tonight.
I got a call yesterday for a job interview. Full time. I'm not going to get my hopes up that I'll get it. I usually don't. That seems to be my new M.O. Geez, pessimistic much? It's just reality. And it has to be on the worst night of the week - the first night of WinterShred. So I'll do an hour killing myself, then shower at the Y, which I'm sure will be delightful, then off to my interview at 7:30PM. I'm usually in bed at 7:30PM. LOL. I hope I don't nod off.
I'm nervous about the entire night - WinterShred; what will I wear? will I be able to get a locker? will I make a fool of myself? will I be the first person to the shower? will I end up with athlete's foot from the shower? better wear flip flops. thank the FSM my hair takes no time at all to do and I don't wear much makeup. Then there's the actual interview. Will I still smell from WinterShred? Will I be able to walk? What questions are they going to ask me? I've heard them all, but will I answer coherently? It's been a long time since I've interviewed for anything worthwhile. I'm usually a rock star interviewee. It's the fact that my work history isn't that awesome that usually gets me. That and the fact that I left my last job due to "health reasons". They can't ask what those are so they speculate. Speculation leads to worst case scenario. I don't get hired. It's what I'd do.
Don't worry - I've already got a list to check off for that night and I'll be thinking about the whole night all weekend, so I'll be well-prepared by Monday night. I just hope I survive WinterShred so I can make the interview.
Today I'm getting my haircut and that means I get to dye my hair afterward. Good thing, too. I never realized how much white I have in my hair! Let's just keep dying it until I die. Then nobody will know. I still feel like I'm in my 20's so how can I have white hair? It's unnatural.
I still have to hang my snowflakes in one of my living room windows. I've been putting it off because I don't really want to do it, but I've done something to every other window so I might as well. It'd be odd if I didn't. Plus, the woman across the road from me needs something pretty to look at - or at least something odd. She'll probably compliment my niece & nephew for making such beautiful snowflakes. I won't correct her. :)
I'm still pondering the Open House. Here are the Save the Date flyers I've made to email and stick in people's doors:
They're pretty much the invitations themselves so I feel weird sending a Save the Date flyer that's almost identical. But WTH? Who cares? I think it's better to get the "save the date" out there now so people can plan appropriately - do I go to my work/office party or Amy's? Duh. Easy answer. Amy's!
I think the people from this little hamlet will all show up unless they've already got plans. I've got 8 local invitations. I think maybe 4 or 5 from CB will show up. I've got many more invites to folks in CB, but it's a drive and who knows what the weather will be like and, and, and, anything could happen. I'll be delighted if more people show up than that.
Well, I guess it's time to move on to the next thing. Drinking coffee. It's only 6:20am. I've done my Pilates. I'm ready for the day. I have an hour, at least, until Mom calls to walk the dogs. That's a lot of coffee....
I got a call yesterday for a job interview. Full time. I'm not going to get my hopes up that I'll get it. I usually don't. That seems to be my new M.O. Geez, pessimistic much? It's just reality. And it has to be on the worst night of the week - the first night of WinterShred. So I'll do an hour killing myself, then shower at the Y, which I'm sure will be delightful, then off to my interview at 7:30PM. I'm usually in bed at 7:30PM. LOL. I hope I don't nod off.
I'm nervous about the entire night - WinterShred; what will I wear? will I be able to get a locker? will I make a fool of myself? will I be the first person to the shower? will I end up with athlete's foot from the shower? better wear flip flops. thank the FSM my hair takes no time at all to do and I don't wear much makeup. Then there's the actual interview. Will I still smell from WinterShred? Will I be able to walk? What questions are they going to ask me? I've heard them all, but will I answer coherently? It's been a long time since I've interviewed for anything worthwhile. I'm usually a rock star interviewee. It's the fact that my work history isn't that awesome that usually gets me. That and the fact that I left my last job due to "health reasons". They can't ask what those are so they speculate. Speculation leads to worst case scenario. I don't get hired. It's what I'd do.
Don't worry - I've already got a list to check off for that night and I'll be thinking about the whole night all weekend, so I'll be well-prepared by Monday night. I just hope I survive WinterShred so I can make the interview.
Today I'm getting my haircut and that means I get to dye my hair afterward. Good thing, too. I never realized how much white I have in my hair! Let's just keep dying it until I die. Then nobody will know. I still feel like I'm in my 20's so how can I have white hair? It's unnatural.
I still have to hang my snowflakes in one of my living room windows. I've been putting it off because I don't really want to do it, but I've done something to every other window so I might as well. It'd be odd if I didn't. Plus, the woman across the road from me needs something pretty to look at - or at least something odd. She'll probably compliment my niece & nephew for making such beautiful snowflakes. I won't correct her. :)
I'm still pondering the Open House. Here are the Save the Date flyers I've made to email and stick in people's doors:
They're pretty much the invitations themselves so I feel weird sending a Save the Date flyer that's almost identical. But WTH? Who cares? I think it's better to get the "save the date" out there now so people can plan appropriately - do I go to my work/office party or Amy's? Duh. Easy answer. Amy's!
I think the people from this little hamlet will all show up unless they've already got plans. I've got 8 local invitations. I think maybe 4 or 5 from CB will show up. I've got many more invites to folks in CB, but it's a drive and who knows what the weather will be like and, and, and, anything could happen. I'll be delighted if more people show up than that.
Well, I guess it's time to move on to the next thing. Drinking coffee. It's only 6:20am. I've done my Pilates. I'm ready for the day. I have an hour, at least, until Mom calls to walk the dogs. That's a lot of coffee....
Friday, November 15, 2013
"Water is just coffee that hasn't reached it's full potential." -Maxine
Elvis and I are just alike in the morning (except for the exercising - he doesn't need it like I do). I sit on the couch, after my exercising, with my cup of coffee, staring. Elvis sits on the couch, sans coffee, staring at me. He wants his crack (hairball treatment gel). Or he wants me to pet him. Or he's just still sleepy and wondering why we're awake and why I won't let him go back to his bed in the bedroom. It's a staring contest. He loses every time. We know who's boss.
Yesterday's Christmas-palooza at Mom's was exciting. I think she would have given me every single item she owns if I'd let her. She needs some Christmas decorations for pity's sake! Notice I said "some". LOL
I got a whole tote of stuff, plus a ginormous wreath for outside, plus pillows, plus, plus, plus. Here's some pics:
I have one more thing to do: Outdoors. Dad's going to help me wrap greenery around the front columns and greenery around the side door frame. He's also going to attach an old wooden sled (that we used to use, amazingly) to my porch railing. I want it leaning against the railing, but it needs to be attached somehow and we need to protect the railing. And he needs to dig a hole so I can 'plant' a snowman stick by the side door entrance. Boy, Dad's got a lot of work to do! :)
Mom came over yesterday afternoon and "ooohed & ahhhhed" over everything. I think part of her was thinking, "My daughter's Christmas crazy" and another part of her was thinking, "My daughter's amazing". I'll go with the amazing part. I asked Mom when she thought I should send out the invites to my open house. Yes, I've officially (sort of) decided to have it. Actually, I'm still debating it in my head. Mom suggested I send "Save the Date" flyers to email to folks. I did this morning and have the email all ready to send, but for some reason, I just can't send it.
Here's my thought process: What if everybody comes. What if nobody comes. I need to be o.k. with both scenarios. I want everybody to come. I know that's impossible. I know there's a high likelihood that only a few will be able to attend, just due to other events. I need to be o.k. with that. I think I am. Then there's the "Does the house really look good or am I delusional?" "Will anybody care to see my house?" "Is this a stupid idea?" Surprisingly, I'm o.k. with people judging my house. I don't particularly care if they like it - I do and that's what matters. I just want people who saw the house in shambles and those who worked so hard on the house to get to see it now - all beautifully done. And I want to see my friends, dammit. LOL
I'm definitely leaning towards sending the "Save the Date" email. I may just wait a day or two. However, WinterShred starts Monday, so I might be dead after that. Maybe I should wait until after Monday, just to make sure I'm still alive.
Yesterday's Christmas-palooza at Mom's was exciting. I think she would have given me every single item she owns if I'd let her. She needs some Christmas decorations for pity's sake! Notice I said "some". LOL
I got a whole tote of stuff, plus a ginormous wreath for outside, plus pillows, plus, plus, plus. Here's some pics:
 |
| Front porch: Door flanked by tree & basket of logs/greenery; snowman wreath on door; wreath on wall; quilt in window! |
 |
| Quilt in above picture - Closet window - perfect as a curtain! Sorry for the plastic.... |
 |
| Another quilt in window going up the stairs. Perfect. Says "Keeper of Wishing Stars" |
 |
| Two "Believe" quilt squares on each side. I know one is higher but it's hiding the original nail! |
 |
| View from kitchen into dining room into living room. |
 |
| I had so many quilts & pillows, I didn't know what to do with them all! Frosty loves them. |
 |
| Dining Room tree/door. |
Mom came over yesterday afternoon and "ooohed & ahhhhed" over everything. I think part of her was thinking, "My daughter's Christmas crazy" and another part of her was thinking, "My daughter's amazing". I'll go with the amazing part. I asked Mom when she thought I should send out the invites to my open house. Yes, I've officially (sort of) decided to have it. Actually, I'm still debating it in my head. Mom suggested I send "Save the Date" flyers to email to folks. I did this morning and have the email all ready to send, but for some reason, I just can't send it.
Here's my thought process: What if everybody comes. What if nobody comes. I need to be o.k. with both scenarios. I want everybody to come. I know that's impossible. I know there's a high likelihood that only a few will be able to attend, just due to other events. I need to be o.k. with that. I think I am. Then there's the "Does the house really look good or am I delusional?" "Will anybody care to see my house?" "Is this a stupid idea?" Surprisingly, I'm o.k. with people judging my house. I don't particularly care if they like it - I do and that's what matters. I just want people who saw the house in shambles and those who worked so hard on the house to get to see it now - all beautifully done. And I want to see my friends, dammit. LOL
I'm definitely leaning towards sending the "Save the Date" email. I may just wait a day or two. However, WinterShred starts Monday, so I might be dead after that. Maybe I should wait until after Monday, just to make sure I'm still alive.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Sun! Join me!
It's 7:07 and I'm just now noticing the sun is slowly joining me. Wake up, dammit!
I thought about this the other day & said it to my therapist yesterday - I used to be so independent. I didn't need financial assistance. I didn't need other people to make me feel better. I was alone and happy. I was not lonely. I had friends when we needed each other and parents I could call to vent to. I watched a lot of t.v. and was happy with that. I read a ton of books and was thrilled by that. I went to work. I ran errands. I napped. I drank copious amounts of coffee (still do). I was just living life and enjoying it fairly well.
Now I'm totally dependent. I need financial assistance. I crave and need other people to justify my existence. I need to be told "I love you. You're fantastic. You're perfect just the way you are" on a weekly, if not daily basis. I am lonely. My friends are so far away and the ones close by just talk about themselves. I told my therapist I must be the best damn listener for miles around because nobody shuts up around me. Then I told her my life must not be as interesting as I think it is because nobody wants to know about it. They just talk, talk, talk about themselves. I'm really quite sick of it to be honest with you. I need my friends who communicate- give & receive. I rely way too much on my parents to fill that void that my friends & work would fill before....that of interaction - two way interaction. I can't stand to watch t.v. Most of it pisses me off. I listen to a lot of music. A lot of music. I can't read a book to save my life. Well, maybe to save my life, but ya know. I'm afraid to drive...in the dark, rain, snow, wind. I don't work. I run errands with my mom. I nap for maybe 5 minutes. I don't feel like I'm living life and I am not enjoying it.
So all that stops now. *eye roll* Yeah right. If only it were that easy.
But seriously, I said to my therapist, I should be enjoying this time in my life. There's a lot to enjoy! Instead, I feel worthless, useless, hopeless. She's right. I need to become productive....outside of Christmas decorating. LOL. I need to find, within myself, the love of self. I don't know that I've ever really loved myself or even been o.k. with myself, but I've faked it pretty good and surely I can do that again. Fake it til you make it! I've just not thought about 'self' and been o.k. with that. Now I think of 'self' too much and not in a good way. Self sucks. :)
Yesterday I tried so hard not to keep looking out the window around 3PM to see if Dad was on his way for a visit. I need to stop relying on Dad to fill that afternoon void. I need to, somehow, fill it myself and in a healthy way. Let's not go down the road of boozing it up to fill that void. That'd defeat the whole purpose....but oh, it would be so easy....and severely disappointing. So let's not go there. My therapist suggested, because I'm having difficulty reading, to set a time limit - tell myself, "I'm going to read for 15 minutes, regardless if I retain any of it or not". I could do that at 3PM. I could try to read for an hour and that'd get me to 4. Then, I don't know what. Do my WinterShred workouts? I guess I'll have to....Or put snowflakes on one of the windows....Plenty to do!
I need to get a job, that's what. I haven't heard a word from SSI or Disability. I haven't heard from the one job I applied for with the Extension office in the Big A. HyVee is hiring checkers/stockers. The closest big truck stop is also hiring. Both would require me to drive there and apply. It seems like so much work. God, I'm a lazy-ass, aren't I? See what I've become? I hate me. Who wouldn't?
So much self-criticism.
I told my therapist, I don't not want to change meds. I don't want to go through that. These really are working - it's my internal thinking that's still fucked up. Changing meds is a scary thing. What if I get worse? What if this is the best I'm going to get? Let's just stick with it and work on what's going on inside my thought-process. I need to feel productive. Have I said that already? Oh yeah, like 3 times.
(Pause to go walk the dogs with Mom)
That was one quick, brisk walk. My hands are like ice even though I was wearing gloves. WTH?
Now to relax, drink some coffee, watch the Today show and await the phone call from Mom to go through her Christmas items! Here I am, yet again, waiting for the phone to ring. Ugh. I'm like a broken record.
I thought about this the other day & said it to my therapist yesterday - I used to be so independent. I didn't need financial assistance. I didn't need other people to make me feel better. I was alone and happy. I was not lonely. I had friends when we needed each other and parents I could call to vent to. I watched a lot of t.v. and was happy with that. I read a ton of books and was thrilled by that. I went to work. I ran errands. I napped. I drank copious amounts of coffee (still do). I was just living life and enjoying it fairly well.
Now I'm totally dependent. I need financial assistance. I crave and need other people to justify my existence. I need to be told "I love you. You're fantastic. You're perfect just the way you are" on a weekly, if not daily basis. I am lonely. My friends are so far away and the ones close by just talk about themselves. I told my therapist I must be the best damn listener for miles around because nobody shuts up around me. Then I told her my life must not be as interesting as I think it is because nobody wants to know about it. They just talk, talk, talk about themselves. I'm really quite sick of it to be honest with you. I need my friends who communicate- give & receive. I rely way too much on my parents to fill that void that my friends & work would fill before....that of interaction - two way interaction. I can't stand to watch t.v. Most of it pisses me off. I listen to a lot of music. A lot of music. I can't read a book to save my life. Well, maybe to save my life, but ya know. I'm afraid to drive...in the dark, rain, snow, wind. I don't work. I run errands with my mom. I nap for maybe 5 minutes. I don't feel like I'm living life and I am not enjoying it.
So all that stops now. *eye roll* Yeah right. If only it were that easy.
But seriously, I said to my therapist, I should be enjoying this time in my life. There's a lot to enjoy! Instead, I feel worthless, useless, hopeless. She's right. I need to become productive....outside of Christmas decorating. LOL. I need to find, within myself, the love of self. I don't know that I've ever really loved myself or even been o.k. with myself, but I've faked it pretty good and surely I can do that again. Fake it til you make it! I've just not thought about 'self' and been o.k. with that. Now I think of 'self' too much and not in a good way. Self sucks. :)
Yesterday I tried so hard not to keep looking out the window around 3PM to see if Dad was on his way for a visit. I need to stop relying on Dad to fill that afternoon void. I need to, somehow, fill it myself and in a healthy way. Let's not go down the road of boozing it up to fill that void. That'd defeat the whole purpose....but oh, it would be so easy....and severely disappointing. So let's not go there. My therapist suggested, because I'm having difficulty reading, to set a time limit - tell myself, "I'm going to read for 15 minutes, regardless if I retain any of it or not". I could do that at 3PM. I could try to read for an hour and that'd get me to 4. Then, I don't know what. Do my WinterShred workouts? I guess I'll have to....Or put snowflakes on one of the windows....Plenty to do!
I need to get a job, that's what. I haven't heard a word from SSI or Disability. I haven't heard from the one job I applied for with the Extension office in the Big A. HyVee is hiring checkers/stockers. The closest big truck stop is also hiring. Both would require me to drive there and apply. It seems like so much work. God, I'm a lazy-ass, aren't I? See what I've become? I hate me. Who wouldn't?
So much self-criticism.
I told my therapist, I don't not want to change meds. I don't want to go through that. These really are working - it's my internal thinking that's still fucked up. Changing meds is a scary thing. What if I get worse? What if this is the best I'm going to get? Let's just stick with it and work on what's going on inside my thought-process. I need to feel productive. Have I said that already? Oh yeah, like 3 times.
(Pause to go walk the dogs with Mom)
That was one quick, brisk walk. My hands are like ice even though I was wearing gloves. WTH?
Now to relax, drink some coffee, watch the Today show and await the phone call from Mom to go through her Christmas items! Here I am, yet again, waiting for the phone to ring. Ugh. I'm like a broken record.
"I find that exercise helps me relieve stress. I start with a few "butt kicks," then some "middle finger lifts." After that, I wind up with some "mooning for speed and accuracy" reps." -Maxine
LOL, Maxine hit the nail on the head this morning! I was just bitching at Aunt Hope that I've made myself NOT have a cup of coffee until exercise is done. Why? Why do I torture myself? Because I know I need that motivation. If not for my withdrawal, then I'd probably skip Pilates more days than I'd do it. But, man, I piss myself off.
And let the self-criticism begin!
I dreamt about Chica right before I woke up so I'm sad and am missing her. Don't get me wrong. Elvis is probably the best cat on the face of the earth, but Chica was just.....Chica. She was my darling. She was fearless. She was my cuddler. She wasn't afraid to lay right on me like Elvis sometime is (he's a bit tentative of blankets). And thinking of her death is just painful. Sooooo, let's not do that and move off this topic.
(Break for Pilates & coffee)
5:00AM - Ahhhhh coffee!
Today I get to go through my mom's Christmas decorations and boy am I excited to do that! I have this vision for my side porch that Dad's going to help me achieve. Outdoor stuff has to be sturdy and heavy! I'm not dragging shit inside every time it's windy, like I had to do this Fall.
Don't tell anyone - but I lit my second tree (the red & gold one) this morning for one minute. It's so beautiful. Dad was right - I really do have an eye for this kind of stuff. There, I took a damn compliment. When Shan & I were in the Big A last night, I noticed several houses already have their outdoor Christmas lights lit. I even noticed one in my own little hamlet. Well, hell, if they can, I can! LOL. I don't have any outdoor lights because there are no outdoor outlets and I refuse to buy anything to make that happen, so! the plan is for greenery around the columns and around the side door and that's it. BUT, maybe, just maybe I can open the front curtain and let my tree shine!
Naw. I'm too afraid that if I light it now and light it every night, the bulbs will die and by Christmas it'll be dark. So I'll wait until an appropriate time and will only leave them on for awhile. BUT, perhaps I can at least open the front curtain during the day to get some sunshine in here.
The whole time doing Pilates, I just kept thinking, WinterShred is going to kick my ass. I'm scared. I'm sure I'll be having nightmares about it the closer it gets to Monday. It's so far out of my comfort zone. First of all, it's at night. Hellllooooo, I work out in the morning! By 5:30 at night, I'm ready for pajama's and bed. Secondly, I'm afraid it's going to kill me. Literally kill me of a heart attack or stroke or I'll tear something or whatever. It'll end up costing more than $35.00. Ah well, I'm in it now, aren't I?
Off I go to catch up on the news - I hope ya'all have a great day - raking leaves, cuddling with your pets, working, decorating, whatever. I hope it's good!
And let the self-criticism begin!
I dreamt about Chica right before I woke up so I'm sad and am missing her. Don't get me wrong. Elvis is probably the best cat on the face of the earth, but Chica was just.....Chica. She was my darling. She was fearless. She was my cuddler. She wasn't afraid to lay right on me like Elvis sometime is (he's a bit tentative of blankets). And thinking of her death is just painful. Sooooo, let's not do that and move off this topic.
(Break for Pilates & coffee)
5:00AM - Ahhhhh coffee!
Today I get to go through my mom's Christmas decorations and boy am I excited to do that! I have this vision for my side porch that Dad's going to help me achieve. Outdoor stuff has to be sturdy and heavy! I'm not dragging shit inside every time it's windy, like I had to do this Fall.
Don't tell anyone - but I lit my second tree (the red & gold one) this morning for one minute. It's so beautiful. Dad was right - I really do have an eye for this kind of stuff. There, I took a damn compliment. When Shan & I were in the Big A last night, I noticed several houses already have their outdoor Christmas lights lit. I even noticed one in my own little hamlet. Well, hell, if they can, I can! LOL. I don't have any outdoor lights because there are no outdoor outlets and I refuse to buy anything to make that happen, so! the plan is for greenery around the columns and around the side door and that's it. BUT, maybe, just maybe I can open the front curtain and let my tree shine!
Naw. I'm too afraid that if I light it now and light it every night, the bulbs will die and by Christmas it'll be dark. So I'll wait until an appropriate time and will only leave them on for awhile. BUT, perhaps I can at least open the front curtain during the day to get some sunshine in here.
The whole time doing Pilates, I just kept thinking, WinterShred is going to kick my ass. I'm scared. I'm sure I'll be having nightmares about it the closer it gets to Monday. It's so far out of my comfort zone. First of all, it's at night. Hellllooooo, I work out in the morning! By 5:30 at night, I'm ready for pajama's and bed. Secondly, I'm afraid it's going to kill me. Literally kill me of a heart attack or stroke or I'll tear something or whatever. It'll end up costing more than $35.00. Ah well, I'm in it now, aren't I?
Off I go to catch up on the news - I hope ya'all have a great day - raking leaves, cuddling with your pets, working, decorating, whatever. I hope it's good!
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
"Let a smile be your umbrella...if you want to stand in the rain like a grinning idiot." -Maxine
Therapy wasn't nearly as bad as I expected it to be. It was bad; just not snot-running-down-my-face bad.
I need to feel productive. If I'm not working, I need to be volunteering somewhere.
I need to accept how people are and stop wanting something different.
I need to not get my expectations so high.
I need to look for what I need in different places.
I need to learn to take a compliment.
I need to not berate myself or self-criticize. (If I don't, who will, I wonder?)
So, there's therapy in a nutshell. I beat myself up the whole time. It isn't other people who are jacked up - it's me, so I need to change me. Plus, I can't expect anybody to change to fit my needs. If someone who I thought was going to fulfill a role in my life isn't, then I need to be o.k. with that and find someone or something that will. Hmmmm, maybe that's why I drank so much. Alcohol filled that role.
Profound.
Who cares about this shit? Let's get onto Christmas decorating!
If the curtain doesn't fall off it's hangers, it'll be a miracle, but here's my next concoction:
It took me 5 minutes to get these things situated and pinned to the curtain and a 1/2 hour getting the curtain to hang back up on it's hooks. I don't think something's quite right there and I'm afraid to walk into my closet & ruffle the curtain for fear it'll fall immediately, but, eh - it's done.
I'm excited because Mom has joined the madness. She thinks it might, possibly, maybe be time to get out & go through her Christmas decorations! Their Thursday adventure is postponed, so we're going to go through her boxes tomorrow. I can't wait. It's about time she joined me...
I had weigh-in tonight for the WinterShred. We were supposed to wear what we're going to be wearing during workouts. It's frigid outside. I did not put on shorts just for a weigh-in. Besides, I figure the higher the weight, the better because when I lose it, it'll be that much MORE.
I drove tonight. I hate driving at night. I feel like I'm driving Miss Daisy. I am Miss Daisy.
I made it and weigh in was accurate compared to my own scale - 115lbs. Let's lose more!!
I need to feel productive. If I'm not working, I need to be volunteering somewhere.
I need to accept how people are and stop wanting something different.
I need to not get my expectations so high.
I need to look for what I need in different places.
I need to learn to take a compliment.
I need to not berate myself or self-criticize. (If I don't, who will, I wonder?)
So, there's therapy in a nutshell. I beat myself up the whole time. It isn't other people who are jacked up - it's me, so I need to change me. Plus, I can't expect anybody to change to fit my needs. If someone who I thought was going to fulfill a role in my life isn't, then I need to be o.k. with that and find someone or something that will. Hmmmm, maybe that's why I drank so much. Alcohol filled that role.
Profound.
Who cares about this shit? Let's get onto Christmas decorating!
If the curtain doesn't fall off it's hangers, it'll be a miracle, but here's my next concoction:
 |
| Hanging star-twigs...or whatever they are. |
I'm excited because Mom has joined the madness. She thinks it might, possibly, maybe be time to get out & go through her Christmas decorations! Their Thursday adventure is postponed, so we're going to go through her boxes tomorrow. I can't wait. It's about time she joined me...
I had weigh-in tonight for the WinterShred. We were supposed to wear what we're going to be wearing during workouts. It's frigid outside. I did not put on shorts just for a weigh-in. Besides, I figure the higher the weight, the better because when I lose it, it'll be that much MORE.
I drove tonight. I hate driving at night. I feel like I'm driving Miss Daisy. I am Miss Daisy.
I made it and weigh in was accurate compared to my own scale - 115lbs. Let's lose more!!
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