"Yup, things are getting pretty scary out there. Oh, and also it's Halloween!" -Maxine

Boy I love those calendar-a-day Maxine-isms. I don't have to search for a title quote!

4AM is becoming my new wake up time. Actually, last night I started waking up at 11:30 and didn't stop until  - FINALLY - 4AM rolled around so I could 'legally' get out of bed. I just flat out refuse to get up any earlier, even though I'm awake. I really don't have much trouble getting back to sleep at 11:30, 12:30, 1AM, etc, etc, but once 4 rolls around, I'm wide awake. And last night I didn't even fall asleep in the comfy electric-heated-throw-recliner at 7!  Survivor was on and by god, I was going to watch the damn show. I'm less impressed with this year than previous year's, but who cares about a t.v. show? I went to bed at 8 and read for as long as I could keep my eyes open, which felt like an hour but was probably more like 15 minutes. LOL.

I'm thrilled to announce - Elvis is soooooo much better!  His sore is miniscule. He's still taking his antibiotics like a champ. We're down to the backwash so it won't be long before I'm throwing it away and no more pink medicine! His sneezing is back to normal and his eye is no longer watering. He even ran around upstairs and down the stairs, like crazy cats do. I'm just happy he doesn't have distemper like Dad worried he did. Whew! Dodged a bullet there!

Yesterday was stormy in the morning. You should see all the leaves that dropped...in my yard, driveway, street, gutters, etc. and the damn trees still look full! Amazing. We lost power for a flicker of a second and it jacked up pretty much everything. That motion detector light my dad installed in the washer/dryer/out-to-the-garage area stayed on continuously. Those things get viciously HOT! I was worried the ceiling was going to catch on fire, so I got out my fire extinguisher and called.......Dad, of course! I ran up & down the basement stairs over 20 times, checking each breaker, trying to find the one that would shut the damn light off. I didn't find it. Nor did I find the one that turned off the upstairs lights or my bedroom light. Geezy lou!  I was pissed, needless to say, and called Dad....again. He came over and within 5 minutes had it figured out. It was a breaker marked for "basement". Well, trickster, I didn't even try that one since it was marked "BASEMENT".  Duh. But Dad's smarter than me, so he did. Whew. Fire averted.

And my computer seems to be working fine after the blue screen of death, though I didn't open I-Tunes all day. I did make Christmas cards, though, and some of them crack me up. I love what other people come up with so I can steal their ideas. I did not do any more Christmas decorating, that I remember.  I did try to take a nap. I think I slept for 20 minutes. Don't they call those power naps? I don't need "power" naps. I need deep, deep sleep. Dammit.

I emailed my aunt Hope this a.m. and told her I wasn't sure what I was going to blog about this morning, but that there's always something to bitch about and boy do I have something to bitch about.

My furnace isn't working. Or my thermostat isn't working, though I've turned it off, waited, and turned it back on. I've reset factory settings. I've done everything to "troubleshoot" the thermostat. I'll be surprised if that's what's wrong. It has to be the damn furnace. The furnace that looks like it's brand-spankin' new, but has sat in the house for 4 years doing nothing. I'm surprised the AC lasted all summer (it's from 1984 - I was in 4th grade then. I'm 38 now. Amazing.)  I am surprised the furnace didn't even last one bitterly cold night. I went down to the basement (what # trip is this now, in two days? 22?) to check out the furnace...opened it up. Hit a switch I probably wasn't supposed to hit but hoped it would 're-set' the machine and didn't do a damn thing. I have the heat set at 69 just to see if it'll start and nothing is happening. Absolutely-freaking-nothing. I'm wearing a down winter coat. It's 64 degrees in here. It's really not that cold, nor will it get that cold, but it pisses me off that I didn't even break a sweat doing Pilates this morning because it was 64 degrees in the damn house and cold! 64 in the sun is much different than 64 in dark house.

I'm sick of talking & thinking about furnaces.

One more day and I can start trickling the Christmas decorations downstairs (like that hasn't happened already, lol). I'm looking forward to the little kiddies stopping by the house tonight for their treat. If I give them a treat, there's some sort of contract, right, that they won't 'trick' me later, as in steal and smash my pumpkins on my sidewalk or egg my newly painted house? Right? Oh, wait, I remember being a teenager on Halloween. Hmmm, not lookin' so good. But after tonight.....Oooh boy, be ready for a Christmas explosion!  *giggle*  Not really. I won't bring the trees down until Thanksgiving and I won't decorate the outdoors until then either and I won't hang anything in the windows that people can see from the outside until then either. But I'll be well-prepared for Thanksgiving day!  My bedroom is already pretty much decorated (lights, wreath hanging on the inside of the blinds, picture frames changed to "Naughty or Nice...decisions, decisions" and "Happy Xmas" and "Keep Calm and Get Your Ho Ho Ho On") but I still need to change my bedding and I refuse to do that until flannel sheets are needed. They may be needed sooner than I thought if my furnace is out. LOL.

I've finally looked at the candy Mom bought me to hand out tonight. TWO bags of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Damn that woman. She's torturing me!  Guess what will be handed out first tonight? Yep, those. Gotta get them out of the house or else I'll eat them. And if I have any candy left over after tonight, it's going directly to Mom & Dad's.....tonight. No temptations. Just like AA. Avoid it at all costs!

My Pilates is getting easier to do, but for some reason I'm sorer and sorer every day. My hip hurts. My back hurts. My shoulder/arm hurts. My back of knee hurts. What's the front part of your ankle called? That hurts, too.  I'm really an 80 year old woman in a 38 year old body, though I know some 80 year old women who do a helluva lot more yard work than I do and they seem just fine. I wonder if they have some sort of secret remedy they don't share with anybody until you actually hit 80. Don't I count? I feel 80. That should count for something.

Since I don't have any actual real pictures to share with you today, I'll just sign off with this:

Or 4AM! 

"The best thing about scary people coming to your door? Gets you psychologically ready for the relatives a month from now." -Maxine

The Maxine quote was too funny this morning not to share, but my original title was simply going to be, "OH SHIT!"

I turn my computer on as soon as I wake up. I then turn on Smallville (because it's on at 4AM) and smoke my two cigarettes while sipping (now) Caffeine Diet Pepsi (HyVee didn't have any of my de-caf).  This morning was all the same.  After the two cigarettes I prepare to do Pilates. Get the mats down. Open I-Tunes on my computer. Play DVD. Listen to music. Bitch at Laura for just being a bitch and bitch at Elvis for liking her. I'm a jealous pet owner. *eye roll*.  Then I usually leave I-Tunes on and head to the bathroom to brush teeth & bathe. This morning, I had it turned off and just took my phone into the bathroom with me. So happy my phone has music. So, so happy.  BECAUSE, when I got back to my computer, played I-Tunes and opened Google Chrome, I got the DREADED BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH!  

I almost cried right then & there, just knowing my computer was totally dead and what the hell would I do now? Can't go buy one myself because Mom has my Walmart credit card and I have no job. Shit fuck. I was imagining I'd have to walk to Mom & Dad's every morning before the crack of dawn to get my computer "fix" (email, blogging, Pinterest, etc.).

But by the FSM's grace, my computer somehow seems to be working just fine now, though I do not have I-Tune running.  I'm afraid to even try it.  That's why I'm so happy I have music on my phone. I'd go nuts without it.

So this may be the fastest I've typed in ages. I bet I'm running 80 wpm and apparently not thinking at all.

This blog was going to be about: I need MedicAlert. Help! I've fallen and I can't get up! MedicAlert. With all the running up & down the stairs to & from my Christmas decorations, I'm sure to take a header eventually.  What would happen? Nobody would find me for at least hours and even then maybe Mom or Dad would simply think I was gone. Not gone as in 'dead' but gone, gone.

(I need more coffee and I'm afraid to walk away from the computer. This sucks.)

I read of someone, a single woman with a brother, who was a little bit crazy. The woman, not the brother. They had a system. She'd call him every night at the same time, no matter what. They wouldn't chat much. It'd just be a "Hey, I'm ok" type of thing. But, if the brother didn't hear from her at that specific time, he'd know something was wrong & go check on her. I wonder if any of my family would go for this idea. Much cheaper than MedicAlert, I'm thinking.

It's a serious concern for someone living alone. I don't feel like this fear is unreasonable. Is it?

Enough about me falling to my broken-leg/broken-neck death. It's covered. Anybody want to be a phone-buddy, let me know.

Yesterday, I woke up at the same time: 4AM. I said to myself this morning, "My 6AM has become 4AM." What am I going to do when we fall back? Will I wake at 3AM? I refuse to get out of bed (anymore) at 3AM. It's just too damn early. And if I don't have a computer anymore, then what the hell will I do? Guess. Just guess. You guessed it! More Christmas decorating!  But what will I do after that's done? Huh? What? You tell me because I got nothin'. There isn't much decorating after Christmas. Easter. I don't decorate for Easter. Rabbits and eggs don't do it for me. I decorate for Spring, I guess, but that's a long way away from Christmas.

Anywhoo, I'm doing good keeping up on the Pilates but I'm more sore now than I've ever been. I can't figure out why. My legs are like jelly. I'm scared to death of the WinterShred my friend, Shan, talked me into. I have to be in shape by November 13th. If there's running involved, I'm screwed. And the serious aches are a pain in the.....shoulder and back of knee. That's the pain I'm feeling today. Ugh. Getting old sucks and I'm only 38!  Geezy lou.

I helped Mom & Dad fold & label the church's newsletter for mailing yesterday morning. Then I put lights on my actual Christmas tree. Took me two tries, but I got 'r done. All this is happening in the sanctuary upstairs, away from anybody's eyes. God forbid they see Christmas decorations before Halloween is over! I'm going to have to ask Dad to help me haul the two trees down from upstairs because I'll be damned if I'm going to take them all apart and put them together again downstairs. No-freaking-way. I think they should stay "put together" all year long, now that I have an upstairs where they can be stored.

Man, I love this house. I can't stop looking at my desktop picture which is one I took of the house. I smile every time I see it. I really do love living here.

I took a nap yesterday, though my snoring woke me up several times. I tried to lay down to read (then nap) but Elvis had other ideas. He wanted under the blanket and when he does that, his face is as close to mine as he can get it. (No sneezing, thank the FSM.) So holding a book in front of my face is impossible. I probably wouldn't have been able to read it anyway. That's the part that sucks about getting "better". I want to be able to read and I just can't. I might as well take the books back to the library and not check anymore out. What's the point? To make me look smart, that I read? What a lie.

Then I began knitting.....again.....for the third time. I'm attempting to make two different scarves for my semi-nephews. I found some black/gray yarn and thought I had enough to make at least a child's scarf. I was wrong. Seriously wrong.

It barely drapes around my neck. Another shit-fuck moment. I'm not casting off yet, though, because there may be a solution. Either I make it look weird and tie on straight black yarn or maybe Mom has something similar to this. I'm holding out hope that Mom has a solution.

Dad visited yesterday around 3-ish. We chatted about all my Christmas decorations, my blog, things he can help me with around the house, and he told me about the Presbyterian Pilgrimage he was on last week. While I don't believe what he believes, I'm glad it was a good experience for him. He needs time to refresh and recharge and I think that's what Pilgrimage does for him. Renews his "spirit". I missed him, though, and can't wait for him to retire.

What's on the agenda today? It's only 6:17AM and I got nothin'. Mom and I might run to the Big H to deliver some flyers, but it's supposed to rain and storm most of the day so I don't see that happening. I wish today could just be a "cuddle-with-a-blanket-read-a-book-nap" type of day, but I don't see that happening either. I'd like to try to clean out the gutters, but again, it's supposed to rain and I hate heights. DAA-AAD!
Naw. I really do need to figure out how to get over my fear of ladders & heights so I can do this on my own eventually. Maybe next year.

Can we talk about something serious for a moment? I've really just been rambling about stupid shit. Now I want to get serious.

I think I may have hurt someone's feelings by my writing and I hope this person understands that what I write is exactly how I feel. Doesn't mean what I feel is right. Doesn't mean what the person next to me feels is right, either. I just own how I feel & I try to be as honest as possible on this blog. I try not to hold much back. But my intention was not to hurt anybody's feelings - my intentions are usually to make people laugh - but I did hurt this person's feelings and for that I am truly sorry. I'm groveling on my knees sorry.

I'm craving people more now than I have in a long, long time and that's a dangerous place for me to be. It's good in the sense that that's a normal thing: to want to be with other people. But if I don't get people-attention through safe means, I'll start to stray to getting it in other ways, i.e. bar. Doesn't mean I will. I'll fight it. But I need some safe way to have interaction with people. And there are people in my life who can give me that safe interaction. But when things are going good with me, people tend to pull away. Or maybe I pull away, even though all I want is attention & conversation. I become more independent, so maybe it's perceived that I don't need people as much, but that's absolutely not true.

I think at some point in my past, I've done something to make people think they can't talk openly & honestly with me for fear of....what? Opening a can of worms? Opening Pandora's box? How bad could it be to talk honestly? I might cry. I might get upset. I might even get angry. But so what? That's what communication does: it gets all that we're holding in, out and if we're adults, we should be able to communicate honestly without ending up hating each other. Can I get an Amen?!

So, yes, while I may have said something in a previous post that upset someone, I meant what I said. Maybe what I said was a cry for help & change. However, I am sorry that it hurt anybody. I'll try to be more careful with my honesty next time.

The reason for the season? Decorating!

I almost didn't want to write a new post because I just like seeing the before & after pictures of the house the first time I pull up the blog.

Ahhh, but I just can't keep my mouth shut, so.....

I had therapy yesterday. Drove myself. Even went to Walmart alone. I'm getting pretty good at this, even though I have a mini-panic-attack at every hill.  Who's going to be coming at me from the other side & are they going to be in their lane or mine? It's scary as hell and there are a lot of hills, but I'm enjoying driving my car, so there's that.

Therapy was a lot of just me talking. I so rarely get to actually TALK to anyone that therapy is my release. I mostly listen to other people or simply remain silent or just don't talk about the important things because nobody's interested. I talked.....A LOT.  I started to wonder if she was thinking I was crazy, so I quickly said, "I don't think a doctor would qualify me as manic. I don't have racing thoughts. I'm sleeping....somewhat. I don't have any money so I'm not going crazy shopping. I'm not drinking." She agreed that I'm not manic, I think.

Once a person's been crazy, they're constantly wondering if they are....again. That's me.

I feel good. Really good. Pretty good. I'm still lonely. I still wish I could relax enough to read and nap. But my therapist was pleased that I'm motivated (even though it is over Christmas decorations), that I've got energy (paper snowflake, anyone?) and that I'm focused (my crazy knitting - I just can't stop!)

I started to wonder, though, after the appointment, Is this really me? I don't know. I don't think it's really me. I think it's the drugs. Is this me? You tell me because I just keep going back & forth. Me. Not me. Me. Not me. Who gives a damn, am I right? At least I feel better so who cares if it's the drugs or if it's me. I'm me right now, am I not? Awww shit, I just don't know.

On another note, my Christmas decorating has begun and every time I walk by something I've decorated, I do a little evil giggle (can a giggle be evil?) because I know Mom would have a conniption if she ever walked into my house & saw what I've done. Now Dad on the other hand probably wouldn't even notice. I had to point out "The Witch Is In" sign.....on the front door....the door he was walking through.  Mom rarely actually enters my home, so I don't think I have anything to worry about there. It brings me joy to see the warring decorations of Halloween & Christmas and the slow trickle of Christmas entering my home.

See for yourself.......Dad....and Mom, don't have a conniption:

Christmas cards hanging on the window...and my Halloween bowl waiting to be used. Hurry up, already!

Shadow boxes Mom gave me. She kept asking me what I was going to put in them. Duh. Like you needed to ask.

And directly below the shadow boxes: 

My bathroom mirror. Very little war in the bathroom. Just JOY.

More Christmas cards hanging across the bathroom window. I hope Mom comes over to use the bathroom.

*evil giggle*

I did all that myself. I'm pretty damn proud of myself. I made the JOY sign in the bathroom and glued the letters to purple string (since my bathroom is mostly purple) and I hung the damn cards myself, too. Not an easy task.

*head shake*  I may be in crazy town. Join me, won't you?

On a completely different note: Elvis seems to be better. His eye waters very little and his sneezing has become infrequent. I know he feels better because he was licking my hair & forehead last night. Who wouldn't want to lick this delicious hair & tasty forehead? Even though Elvis feels better, I'm keeping him out of my bedroom. I did this at the apartment, too, but not so much in the house....until now. I just worry that a vomit-episode is on the horizon and I don't want it to be on my huge quilt. So he sits at the door, thinking I'll take pity on him and let him into the inner sanctum. Yeah, right, ya little bastard.

Happy Christmas decorating, everyone!

"I'm an optimist...I think most people are half FULL of crap." - Maxine

                                          BEFORE                                                        AFTER

ALMOST DONE!

"My house keeps giving me the creeps. Damn full-length mirror has to go!" - Maxine

I got lonely yesterday. Really lonely. I even cried, I was so lonely.

I'm o.k. being alone. Alone means single or solitary. That's me. But lonely means sad at being alone; without companions; empty of people.

Geez, how freaking depressing is that definition? That's directly out of my trusty American Heritage Dictionary. Thanks for that, trusty dictionary.

I just had a plan in my head yesterday and it wasn't even a real plan; it was a semi-plan. But the semi-plan didn't happen at no fault of anybody but myself.

I could have picked up the phone and chatted with someone. I could have gone for a walk; even to Mom & Dad's house. I could have emailed someone. I could have Facebooked someone. I could have called the 1 friend in this little hamlet who will have me and asked to do something.

I could have. But I didn't.

My expectations of all of those things are too high and I'm usually disappointed and left wanting; feeling emptier than I did before.

I haven't felt the "hit-by-a-Mack-truck" emptiness that I have in previous bouts of depression, thank the FSM, but I do feel slightly empty. There's a housewife on the Real Housewives of Orange County - Vicki is her name and I can't stand her, but that's beside the point. She would always say, "My love tank is empty" and then she'd date someone and say, "My love tank is full!"

My love tank is empty. *head shake* *eye roll* *lol*

I don't want a love tank like that. I still feel unlovable and even so, adding someone like that in my life would only complicate matters and let me tell ya - I'd fuck them up beyond belief. They'd need more therapy than I do after dating me. I was even told by a very good friend of mine- someone who knew me only when I was an alcoholic, so his thinking may be skewed, but still - that when I found someone interesting, my friend would tell me, "You'd ruin him."  And he was right. I would ruin a nice boy. I only deserve pieces of crap and since I think more of myself than even that, I just flat-out refuse to date.

But that's enough of that. I was lonely yesterday and I hate being lonely. Elvis just doesn't cut it. I am talking to him (having actual conversations) way too often. He doesn't respond, but I respond for him. I think that's a sign I've entered Crazy Town, population 1.

I did plenty of things yesterday. I bathed. I walked the dogs w/ Mom. I chatted with Younger Brother. I put the furniture back on the front porch (minus the swing, thus no picture yet). I finally made a good twig star/snowflake. That was great, because on the very last tie-off, one twig broke. Had to glue it, let it set, tape it, then twine it. But it turned out better than the first one!

I need sturdier twigs.

I made clothespin/paper trees to hang from the window.

I quickly flipped through 6 magazines Mom dropped off. I really don't even have the patience to sit and do that. I still can't read and even though magazines are mostly pictures, I have to sit to go through them.  I don't feel like I'm doing anything by doing that.

I had a visitor about 6:00PM, but only a very brief one. We stood outside for a quick chat. (She was dropping off the sweater I left at that job I had briefly in June/July.)  Then Mom stopped by with the dogs to say Dad was home but he'd have to hang the swing tomorrow (today).

And the worst of it all? I was going to knit two scarves for my new semi-nephews. I found a bit of yarn for two. Or at least I thought I did. I started one and even though I knew I wouldn't have enough yarn for even a neck brace, I just kept knitting like mad. I finally realized what I was doing and tore it all apart. Then I started the second one. The colors started out cream and goldish. I thought that'd be o.k. for a boy. However, the further along I got, the colors added in a shade of rose. NOT o.k. for a boy. I cussed a lot at this point. I've found more yarn (black/gray & just plain black) but now I have two scarves on two sets of knitting needles that I need to at least finish and my left shoulder hurts like hell......from knitting. From. Knitting. Seriously? I could barely move my arm last night after I finally gave up on the whole damn thing. Surely Dollar General has a toy or two that are cheap I can just buy the semi-nephews with Mom's money? She'd do that for me to save my shoulder, right?  Ugh. What a day.

Still lonely.

Here's the problem. Most of my friends are in CB. That requires driving my car, spending $ on gas, eventually needing an oil change, etc, etc, etc. Probably would entail some sort of coffee or food as well. All require money. I don't want to ask Mom for that. Not to just go visit friends. And for what? What good would that do me, really? It'd be short-lived. It isn't like they're going to come home with me and keep me company on a daily basis. And would I really want that, too? No. No I would not. But it'd be nice to have someone to talk to other than my therapist. And my parents and I are talked out. What more is there to say when we speak daily? "So what'd you do today?" Nothing. "And you?" Nothing. Sums it up right there.

Maybe I need to have a game afternoon and just invite all my friends. Surely one or two would show up, right? And I've been pondering an open house the first weekend in December. The house will be complete. I'll have it decorated. Hopefully my AA friends would make the trek, as well as all my other friends. But who knows how I'll feel in December, so as Theresa suggested, let's hold off on thinking about that for awhile.

I just don't know what to do. Actually, I know what to do, I just can't bring myself to do it.

I think I'll just make more paper snowflakes. I'm becoming a semi-pro at it. Is there anyone who hires for this and would the snowflakes have to be perfect because these are far from it?

Sleep, sweet sleep

I think Mom's electric heated throw is putting me to sleep in the recliner faster than just going to bed. I fell asleep around 7-ish(?) and woke up to Miley Cyrus on SNL. I thought, "My god, it's already 10:30?!? I slept that long in the awkward recliner?"  Oh, but no. SNL fooled me and it was only 9:30. Whew. Not so bad, then.

I went to bed almost immediately, read my Nook for a little bit, then fell fast asleep until about 4:00. I had to pee. I did not want to get up for fear that I'd be UP. But I crawled back into bed with Elvis, who just wanted attention, and fell back to sleep until 5:30!!!!  I could get used to this much sleep.

I'm more sore today than I've been - even after helping Older Brother pack up his house. I think it's from staining the porch on Friday. My back and arm, well, everything seems sore. I have a scratch on the back of my hand. I have no idea how it got there. I can't blame Elvis unless he used his teeth, which is entirely possible. So, I've decided to take one day off from Pilates. Sunday - no work day.

Except for Christmas crafts, of course. :)

I still feel pretty good. Hell, let's face it - more than 'pretty good'.  I feel GOOD.  I can't sit still. I want to do things. I want to be with people. Danger Will Robinson, Danger!  It would be too easy to head down to the bar in order to "be with people".  The thought has crossed my mind. Fleetingly. It's what I did last time I was 'bored' and needed company. So, the goal is to not get bored. To be busy. To contact and talk to more people. Hell, I could call my g'ma and that would take up at least 2 hours of my day! Except that I'd have to listen to her Obama-rants, and that means I just have to keep my mouth shut for 2 hours. Not much 'company' or 'conversation'. I'll die before I vote Republican. Unless they change their entire platform. Then maybe I'd consider it.

Maybe this is why I've gotten so into Christmas decorating, crafting, planning, etc. To keep me busy so I don't end up somewhere I shouldn't be. Yeah, that's it.

I'm grateful to those who've kept in touch with me. Like Theresa popping by the other day. I loved that. Loved it. I need more visitors. I guess that means I need to invite more people over, huh? Which, in my mind, means I have to feed them and that's always a problem. Frozen pizza anyone? :)

I've sort of let go of worrying that I should be working. And it's because of Mom. She released me from that worry with these simple words: "I don't think you're ready yet". That's all it took. Words from Mom. That's all I needed. Those words more from her than from anybody else. She's got a lot of power over me. Always has, always will. She'd disagree, I think, but let's face the truth. I'd do whatever she told me to do. Paint the living room? Begrudgingly. Stain the porch. I'll do it, but I might bitch the whole time. If she told me to get a job today, I'd do it. I'd know it wouldn't be healthy, but I'd do it because she told me to. In my mind, she knows what's best for me. Take yesterday for example. I saw this wreath in Salvation Army and loved it. It was like it was calling to me from across the store. It was white and red. A little gaudy. I showed it to Mom and she made a face and the wreath was put away. I trust her judgment. Of me and Christmas wreaths.

Dad's been gone for days on Pilgrimage. This morning I woke up and realized I missed him. I miss him stopping by at 3:00 or whenever - to chat or do some work around the house. I miss listening to him talk about his day or his guitar (yes, even that) or his musings. Theresa lost her father within this last year and it just makes me realize how much I love and need my parents in my life - both of them. And my brother's, of course. I just have nightmare images of losing any of them and wonder what the world would be like without them in it. It would be pretty damn dim.

Today's a pretty "nothing" day. Maybe that's why I'm thinking about such things. I hate days with nothing. They bring me down. It's hard to think of shit to fill your day....especially when sitting still is so difficult. I guess that means I'll be making (or attempting to make) paper snowflakes and twig stars. Oh joy!

I can't make a paper snowflake to save my life.

I made one. By accident. The others are either Celtic crosses (lol) or perfect, except that they're cut in half. I even did most of them by YouTube tutorial. How does a person screw up watching a video? Apparently, pretty easily.

I made 4 yesterday morning even before walking the dogs. I asked for Mom's help. Since she was a teacher, surely she remembers how to make them because I sure as shit don't remember from my elementary school days.

I even tried to make a star out of twigs I picked up in my yard.  It's supposed to look like this:

Here's how mine looks:

I don't know what that is, but it sure doesn't look like a star to me. Whatever. It's going up in the damn window. After I attempt to make another one. I think I've got the steps figured out to make it easier. It's hard to steady two gangly twigs and tie twine at the same time!

Or I'm just not crafty.

I'm not giving up. I'm going to make snowflakes and twig stars until there's no twigs or paper left in this town.

Yesterday, Mom and I went to the Big A and hit Dollar General. She bought two cards. I "bought" two cards, pine cones (that Mom found for me), snowman coasters, a box of small sleigh bells, and a ring of 3 big bells. Then we hit Salvation Army (I was so happy!!!) and I got some garland, bows, two small sleigh decorations, and a tree/bell ornament. I could have gotten so much more, but I restrained myself.

When I got home, I made these:

Tinfoil wreaths with bows! Going to hang in a window b/c they're so light! Genius Pinterest idea. 

And:

My stick/tree concoction. Will hang a couple ornaments eventually...

Can you tell I'm ready for Christmas and snow and joy?  Christmas-time is joyous to me. I just can't wait to decorate this new house! I have so many ideas. I'm not sure the house is big enough. LOL.

"Just whistle while you work...." Or hum. Humming's o.k. too.

Yesterday afternoon, Mom (humming along the way) & I (silent except for various "shit's & sonofabitch") finished the second coat of stain on the front porch in 1.5 hours. Pretty damn proud of ourselves, if I have to say so myself. It's taking all my willpower not to go out at 6:30AM and put all my chairs & tables back onto the front porch, take a picture, and post it for all of you to see. The can of stain said I had to wait 72 hours. Yeah, like that's going to happen. LOL. 3 DAYS?!? That's just crazy!

Last night, I actually slept. Well, slept like back in the old days when I'd wake up every hour then fall right back to sleep. At least I wasn't up at 3AM, wide awake. I stayed in bed until 4:45. Miracle of miracles. So, according to whatever Law, I should work myself to death every day in order to sleep that night. Somehow, I don't see that happening.

I was up early, sitting there smoking my cigarette, thinking, "I have 2.5 hours until Mom calls to walk the dogs" (if she even does) so what to do?  I really did not want to do Pilates this morning because my body was really aching, but what else was there to do? So I did my two sets and feel better for it. They're getting easier and easier to do every day. I don't think I've actually lost any weight except maybe a pound or two, but at least I feel more in shape. I still have my Buddha gut.

Today we're heading to the Big A to get groceries, but first stopping at Dollar General to get some cards for various events. My younger brother is dating someone with 3 kids, so suddenly I have 3 more nieces & nephews. It's a bit discombobulating. I'm, of course, hoping to shop for Christmas decorations at DG and then swing by Salvation Army for a quick look before buying groceries. We'll see what type of mood Mom's in. Maybe if I pick up the dog poo this morning on our walk, she'll allow my whimsy to take over the day.

After that, though, I've got nothing to do. With Theresa's visit yesterday, I Swiffered the shit out of the downstairs. So that leaves.......going through Christmas decorations!  Or at least starting the crafting phase. Maybe I can talk Mom into letting me go through her decorations if I do all the work of hauling the boxes out of the attic.

Only 61 days left!

"Better to pop than bubble wrap." - Reese's Mini commercial

I would agree with that.

My friend, Theresa, stopped by  yesterday on her way home from a school visit heading back to work and gave me a little gift:

Ahhh, the woman knows the way to my heart! Sadly, though, I'm on this damn diet and am trying to refrain from gorging on sweets.  So I put them in my refrigerator, hoping the "out of sight, out of mind" adage will hold true. So far, so good. Even the multiple bags of candy Mom dropped off for me to distribute on Halloween remain unopened.....only because I threw them in a cupboard without even looking at them. I have a feeling, come Halloween night, I'll be having some treats of my own. Damn the little children.

Speaking of Halloween, if someone doesn't show up at my door as the Horseless Headsman, I'm going to be really disappointed.

It cracks me up every damn time. Even this picture made me laugh out loud, scaring Elvis into a fit of sneezing.  It's just so damn funny.

Mom brought me more Halloween decorations yesterday morning. Now I finally have enough....for Halloween. I'll never have enough for Christmas and I believe that has Mom a bit worried. Yes, if I had my own money, I'd probably be hitting every Goodwill & Salvation Army & Dollar Tree within a 60 mile radius, but I don't have my own money, so I'm being judicious, which is a good thing. And this morning I did start to wonder, "Where am I going to put all my great ideas for decorations?"  So, Mom, I may still purchase a few more items, or pick up sticks on our walks, but I don't think you have to worry about me going "crazy". I may already be there, LOL.

Here's what I really want to accomplish:

I have a wicker basket - just need large logs, pinecones and a bow. No lights even needed!

I've already picked out which cards to hang. Easy Peasy. Just need more clothespins & twine.

Again - just need clothespins and I'll figure out the rest.

I already have some vases that I think this type of stuff would fit into, but I think I'm low on bows.

Paper snowflakes - how easy?

Come on - tinfoil wreath? What else do you need for that? Foam wreath? 

Again, already have wicker. Just need logs & pine branches.

Already have most materials - lantern, sign but no foam balls. Hmmmm. Interesting.

 I love this, but I'm clueless how to make it & it looks like a lot of work!

Most of this stuff, I already have or just need to get  into "craft-mode" and make. Hell, I can do that. However, I really do want a small to medium chalkboard (w/ chalk) and I do need more clothespins, and I do need twine, and I do need to figure out how to make paper snowflakes b/c it's been too long since I've done that, but I'm sure there's a tutorial on Google and maybe Mom will even help me because she's so crafty. I'm afraid I'm going to have to go out in the middle of the night (3AM seems to be good for me) to cut some pine branches off people's trees. I do fear getting caught. I wonder if Dad will help me with this caper.

See? No major expenses required here. I'm frugal as I can be.

I have a lot of windows I want to decorate with the snowflakes, clothespin trees and cards. I finally figured out how to do that since the windows are covered in plastic. I'm going to have to safety pin the twine to the top of the curtain (rod). Speaking of, I'll need more safety pins.

I'm sure Mom has half this shit at her house. She just needs to get on board that it's o.k. to look at Christmas decorations before Halloween is over. I don't know what her problem is. LOL. I know it's nuts, but I'm a planner and let's face it, if I have to make 1/2 this shit, I've got to start now and keep it all away from Elvis. Thank the FSM for the door Dad put up blocking the upstairs. Good job Dad! Thought I'd hate the door, now I love it. :)

How do you decorate a bathroom for Christmas? I have a friend who actually has a Christmas shower curtain. At first, I thought that was ridiculous. I'm starting to see things differently. It's scary.

"The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet." - Excerpt from a cat's diary

No, Elvis hasn't vomited anymore, praise the FSM, but his sneezing is seriously out of control. Just watch/listen, and this isn't even the best...or the worst, as it is.

Obviously, he was sitting on my lap, spitting in my face & the camera phone, but that explains why he's sideways.

This is us later....

He's not so bad when he isn't spitting snot into my face, hair, etc. Mom gave me an extra electric throw to stay warm this winter and Elvis loves it as much as me. Sadly. Look at how damn close he is to my face. One sneeze and I've got whatever he's got. Can cold's cross-species? I guess I'll find out.

I was up again this morning....a 1/2 hour earlier than usual - 2:30 instead of 3. I did sleep for about 20 more minutes in the recliner. Yes, with the throw on and Elvis perched above my head. I've done 3 sets of Pilates: Abs, Buns/Thighs and Flexibility. I had to stop 1/2 way through the flexibility because my shoulder hurts too damn much to lift it and that's all flexibility is....using your damn arms to stretch. Isn't there another part of my body that needs stretching?

I HAVE to get in shape because my friend, Shan, is forcing me, literally forcing me by enticing me with a free t-shirt, to take part in the Y's WinterShred. I have to get in shape before I go there and look like a cigarette-smoking, can't-breathe, sweating-her-ass-off fool.  It's just like cleaning your house before the maid comes over to clean. Oh, I wish I had a maid.

I still feel pretty good. I wish I could nap. I wish I could read. I can't do either. Oh, and not waking up at 2:30 would be nice. All I can do is busy work, which begins with that damn Pinterest. Evil, I tell ya. Today's plan is to take out the garbage, walk the dogs (hopefully), bathe (always important), Swiffer the kitchen & bathroom floors, then wait until it gets warm enough to stain the porch one last time. Hooray!!

Maybe this is why I'm so focused on Christmas. It gives me something to do. I have a lot of crafting in front of me that needs to be done, like, NOW.  And if I know Abilify, I know this shit won't last, so I better get to it.

"The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear!" - Will Ferrell, Elf

I've got Christmas on the brain. I blame Older Brother. When he moved, he didn't have room for his Christmas tree so he donated it to me. When I got it home and upstairs, I decided I needed to check it out and make sure everything was in working order. It's a 6' pre-lit tree that is much better looking than my measly Charlie Brown tree.

So it's put together (upstairs where no one will see it) but then I decided I should probably check out my other decorations, too, and see what I had.  I needed to start planning how I was going to decorate the house.

I'm ready to start right damn now.

Pinterest is an evil, evil website and if you're not on it, don't start now!  If you do because the temptation is just too much, don't blame me. I warned you.

I've spent at least 4 hours just on Pinterest looking at Christmas decorations/decorating. I have to wear a glove on my "mouse-hand" because it gets cold and loses feeling.  My shoulders start to ache because I'm hunched over the desk. My eyes are grainy because I'm staring at the computer screen....but I. JUST. CAN'T. STOP!

I'm ready to begin decorating, but Mom says I have to wait until Thanksgiving. Yeah, good luck with that. Come November 1, I'll slowly be trickling snowmen and Santa's downstairs... However, supplies are needed and money is slim-pickin's. I need to find a pine tree around town and start picking off pine cones. I need to pick up all the damn sticks in my yard and start hoarding them. I need clothespins. I need bows. I need cinnamon sticks. I need ribbon. I need a sleigh (Mom & Dad - yeah!). I need candy canes and peppermints. I need, I need, I need.

I have no idea where the hell all this is going or who's going to see it, but I'm going to decorate the shit out of this house!  I can't wait...I'm like a kid in a candy shop!

Halloween can't get here and get over fast enough.  62 days until Christmas (by my count)!

I still hate 3AM.

12:00PM Update: Garage sales were.....cold & fulfilling & painful.  I got a pair of jeans, a top, a pair of purple sneakers(!) and a Columbia winter coat!  Then Mom banged her head on the trunk of the car and all went downhill....no actually uphill....from there. She's quite funny when she's got a concussion.  JK!  Then we hit Goodwill and I hit the jackpot, thanks to Bank of Mom.

The Post-It note says IN. :) 

I also got my candy-hand-out-bowl for Halloween and a few Christmas decorations, but the "The Witch is..." is just the best.


6:30AM
But I do enjoy going to garage sales with Mom on a cold Thursday morning. And since I was up so early, I'm wearing makeup and jewelry for the first time in........I can't remember but it's probably been since August 8th. I just kept adding things to my morning routine because I had so much time to kill.

"Well, it's only 5:50AM, so might as well put on some people clothes."

"Now it's only 6:00AM, so might as well put on some eye makeup."

"It's only 6:15AM so might as well put on some jewelry."

Mom may go into shock. I should take a picture. I'm even wearing perfume which a picture wouldn't show.

Elvis is still sick with his sneezing-runny-eye cold, but his sore looks better. This morning I got to pick his hair out of it that got stuck. Gross, but at least he didn't growl at me.

I'm tired. Can't wait for an afternoon nap. Happy Thursday, Everyone!

I love sleep. I, however, hate 3AM.

I also hate 12:30AM, 1:00AM, & 2:00AM.  I hate that Elvis sneezes loudly onto the back of my head & wakes me up. I hate that he's sick. Period. But I hate more that it wakes me up. At least he's not licking my forehead to wake me up. That hurts!

I'm completely discombobulated. I was up at 3, fell back to sleep on the couch thinking to myself, "If I could only sleep until 5:30, I'd be happy".  I woke up at 4. And at 5. And finally  got up at 6. I'm out of order. Usually, I take my meds as soon as I wake up because the first room I walk into is the kitchen and that's where they're stored. Not today! Since I was on the couch (my smoking spot) I might as well smoke a cigarette, then go to the bathroom, then remember to take my meds.  I'm still waiting for Elvis to wake up so I can give him his.

*eye roll*

It's just going to be one of those days. And I have nothing to do which makes the day daunting. It's too cold and probably rainy to stain the porch a second time. I love this weather, but it's really pissing me off this week. There's so little left to do on the house, if only the weather would cooperate! Come on Mother Nature! What have I ever done to you?  Oh yeah, polluted you with my cigarette smoke & butts. Sorry for that.  Now work with me here!

Speaking of the word "work", have any of you seen or heard the new Britney Spears song "Work Bitch"? I think she's speaking directly to me. Britney Spears wrote a song just for me. Yes she did.

You wanna Lamborghini

Sip martinis

Look hot in a bikini

You better work bitch 

Actually, I think she wrote the song about all the people in her life telling her exactly that....You wanna live fancy, live in a big mansion, party in Paris, you better work bitch. Well, she's doing it. All I want is to be able to pay my meager bills, buy gifts when I need to, gas when I need to, and cigarettes. My aim isn't that high. I'm not that ambitious. I just want the basics, please.

 

 

 

Now the damn cat has a cold.

Geezy lou. You'd think, since Elvis is on antibiotics, he'd be immune to anything, but apparently not. He's sneezing like mad (in my face, in my hair, on my arm - it's quite disgusting) and his eyes are watering. Right now, he's curled up in his cat carrier. He never goes in there unless I force him. WTH? Just get better already, would ya?

At least the sore looks better and he seems normal - at least he was until this cold hit. *eye roll*

Here's what's been rolling around in my little brain:  I wish I had the memory of a cat. Their brain's are the size of peas and I just don't think they remember much, except through repetition. For example, Elvis knows by my tone of voice whether or not I'm happy with him or mad at him. He knows if I'm serious or not. He knows he better get his ass out of my closet or I'll shut him in, alone. When I stand at that door & call his name, he comes trotting out because he's learned, through habit, that he doesn't want to be alone in the dark in there. Who would? He knows when I sit on the couch, if he stares at me long enough, I'll give him a treat (his hairball treatment - he thinks it's delish). He knows when I go to bed, he better follow if he wants any kind of attention.

However, unless they learn something by habit, they forget everything else. Take the trauma of Sunday a.m. He has no memory of it. None. He's perfectly happy (except for being sick). He's not pissed off at me for hurting him when I bathed him and bumped the sore spot. He's not pissed off at me that I hauled him to the vet in the middle of the night. He's not pissed at the vet for shaving his area, touching the sore, and causing pain. He doesn't remember.

I don't want to remember. Day to day, I want everything to be new & fresh. No more hauling around baggage (memories, thoughts, etc) that just weigh me down.

While I have been feeling better, I'm certainly not healthy. My mom asked me last night (on the way home from helping Older Brother pack more of his stuff) if my therapist was happy with where I'm at. My response was, "I wouldn't say that" because I spent the entire session crying....again. My thoughts (perceptions of things) still aren't on target and I certainly am carrying around too much guilt and too many 'should's'.

I think people see that I'm "better" and assume that I really am better; that I'm "healed". I think people around this town see someone who is functioning just fine and wonder why the hell I'm not working. Just because I can drive my car to my day time appointments (& apparently in emergencies in the middle of the night) doesn't mean I can or will drive my car in the rain, snow or dark. It has to be perfect weather for me to be comfortable driving. Right now. Maybe that will change. Hopefully.

And just because I'm no longer crying uncontrollably for no reason doesn't mean I'm not crying for a reason. I cry too damn much. My therapist would respond with, "You cry just enough". *eye roll*

Just because I can't sit still doesn't mean that's a good thing. I mean, for pity's sake, I got out most of my Christmas decorations and laid them all around upstairs. It's October. WTH? I can't hardly read any longer unless I have absolutely no choice but to read to keep my sanity (such as when I'm riding in a car driven by my father who thinks he's in the Indy 500 - it's no wonder I'm so afraid to drive).

I feel as if others around me think since I'm so well that I should be working. Believe me, I want to get to that point. I'm just not there yet and yes, it pisses me off. I start to wonder if I'll ever get there. I've only been feeling pretty good for 10 days. In my heart of hearts, I know that feeling isn't going to last. I'm waiting for the downfall. Not forcing the downfall, but just waiting, patiently. You know why I might be feeling 'good'? Because I'm not working. I don't have any of that stress.

But see? "I feel" other people think these things. I don't KNOW. I don't want to know for fear that what I feel other people think is exactly spot on. Honestly, I'm not sure how I'd handle that. I want to know. I don't want to know. I don't know.

I feel so much pressure from everybody else's thoughts.

I need to stop thinking for other people. And I just need to realize that other people's perceptions are theirs and they might not even be right. I need to trust myself. I don't. I've been told too many times that my thoughts aren't rational or that I'm too sensitive. Makes me doubt everything I think & feel. I certainly agree with that - my thoughts are irrational and I am too sensitive right now. I read too much into everything. I think thoughts for people that they may not even be thinking. It's what I do. It's what I've always done. I'm working hard to change that. I take people at their word and if they're thinking something about me, they should just tell me. Or not. LOL

So, if I could not have any memory of the days prior to today and were able to start today new & fresh, wouldn't that just be delightful? To just start each day as if something wonderful were going to happen. Instead, I wake up with all this shitty baggage I've been carrying around about myself for years. Any way I could air-mail that baggage to the Arctic? If only it were that easy.

"With great power comes great responsibility." -- Voltaire & Uncle Ben in Spiderman

At least I slept in until 5:30 this morning. That's something.

Yesterday was a long-ass day. I was up at 1AM with Elvis-drama and never got back to sleep. I just couldn't leave him on the couch as I went to bed and shut the door. (Because I'd be damned if he was going to bleed all over the damn massive quilt I just washed.)  So I stayed on the couch with him the rest of the night/morning.  Hovering like a mother hen. Telling him to "Quit licking it!" Giving him his antibiotic. And just simply being next to him.

Mom, Dad & I left at 9AM to go to my older brother's house to help him pack. He & his family are moving to Phoenix. I wasn't tired, really. My body may have felt tired but my brain was perky so that made up for a tired body. Well, I wouldn't exactly call my brain perky. It was awake, let's just say that. Perky makes it sound like I was in some gloriously happy mood and that'd be misleading. I wasn't in a bad mood, but I'd rather have been in bed or some semblance of a bed. lol

We spent 6 hours helping older brother pack up his house and......we didn't have enough Pods for all the stuff. There's still a garage full of items (furniture, boxes, etc.).  So we'll be going back sometime today to help him pack the rest of the stuff.  Needless to say, I did not do Pilates yesterday. Today I only did the Flexibility section and that even sucked ass. I'm sore all over. My left shoulder/arm couldn't hurt any worse and all that damn stretching of both arms really sucked.

One of the crates we were filling yesterday had already been packed with the massive leather sofa. Younger and Older Brother put the love seat on top of it, with Dad's help, my help & girlfriend's help.  Then we (they) decided to put one of the recliners in there as well.  Well, why not! Let's shove as much heavy furniture into one crate as we possibly can! Sounds like a damn good challenge. And it was. This is Younger Brother trying to get out of the crate after being the one stuck behind the recliner....on the inside. He used his Spiderman skills to get out.

This pictures isn't sideways. Younger Brother is. 

Thank the FSM he's small!

He survived. We all survived, though I worried about Dad a few times. What? The man's 66 (is that right?) and he's acting like a 20 year old. All the while, I'm huffing & puffing, running up & down stairs with drawers and boxes and shit and saying, "I need a cigarette!"  Somethings wrong with this picture.

It's funny, I realized, whenever any of us move, we send out a mass email to all of our 'friends' for help and yet only one ever shows up and the rest is US. We really love each other to wear ourselves out so much to help each other.

When Mom, Dad & I got home, I, at least, was surprised by how much work The Painter had completed....on a Sunday!  He's afraid it's getting too cold too fast and he wants to finish before it's impossible to paint, thus, working on a Sunday. I don't know if he's religious or not but he must assume I am because he'd asked me if it would be o.k. to work on Sunday. OF COURSE, I said!  He's painted all the window trim on the final side of the house and started the gray. But most excitedly, he painted the front concrete steps. THE FRONT IS ALMOST DONE!  We only need one more coat of stain on the porch and it's completed!  I cannot wait. I don't even care about the North side of the house. It can wait til spring for all I care.

Seriously. I cannot take a straight picture. I really am crooked.

Needless to say, I went to bed at 6:30PM last night.  I did wake again at 1, but fell back to sleep without any problems. I even let Elvis sleep in the bed (with some modifications - towels, everywhere) because he was home all day alone and I didn't see any more bloody spots so I figured we'd be safe. His abscess is an open wound (I wish I could put a band-aid on it or at least Neosporin!) but he seems to be feeling better. He's eating, he's drinking, he's jumping up onto the couch & bed & even attempted to jump up onto the stove this a.m. but I hollered at him and he relented. He knows who's boss. He's taking his antibiotics, if not happily, grudgingly and with ease. And he's back to licking my hair & forehead which he hadn't done in two days. *eye roll* I actually missed it.

Today's going to be another long day because I have therapy smack-dab in the middle of the day - 1PM. No nap time available. After I get home, we're heading to Older Brother's to help him finish packing (or at least, that's the plan). We won't be home until 9 or 10 or 11. Good FSM, I hope it's not 10 or 11. Hell, I'm usually in bed @ 8!

Seriously, I cannot wait for a day when I'm back to doing Pilates in the a.m., wandering around the house trying to find something to do, watching 4 hours of Supernatural, eating lunch, napping, reading (hopefully) and chatting with Dad during coffee time. Or is that really what I want? Maybe not. Maybe I want more.....

This, THIS right here, is why I don't have children.

So when I got up this morning, I planned to post about all the shit Mom, Dad & I completed yesterday, like covering most of the windows with plastic to keep the cold out & the heat in; and staining the front porch.

But that's all set aside because, HELLO! Did you see that damn picture? That's Elvis' underside, if you couldn't tell.  And I'm the type of Mom who would take a picture of their "child's" injury and post it for you to see. That's just one reason I don't have children.

Another is this: When I went to bed last night, Elvis was sound asleep on the couch. He'd been acting funny, like he couldn't find the right position to sleep in. He was just acting off but, ya know, he's old. All old people are a little off, right? Why not cats? So I went to bed.

I woke up at 12:30 and he wasn't in bed. I wondered where he was but I'd be damned if I was getting up.  At 1:00, after falling asleep and waking up again, and realizing he still wasn't in bed, I got up. I needed a drink anyway.

I noticed a drop of blood in the kitchen by Elvis' water dish. Yes, I asked him what that was about.  He didn't answer me of course and I didn't see any other spots, so......let's go smoke a cigarette.  After one (or two) cigs, I was ready to go back to bed. Elvis was up so I figured he'd follow.  On the way out of the living room, I noticed 3 more drops of blood. There were more in the dining room.  I finally, FINALLY noticed some on the couch.....right next to where I was just sitting.

On a side note: it's a good thing I'm not a police officer because I am the least observant person I know.

So now I'm a bit concerned because that's a lot of blood and I don't know where it's coming from. I checked the litter box. Empty. So not his bowel. OK.  Finally, I picked him up like I always do; just like cradling a little baby.

And was damn shocked by the amount of blood on his underside. It was all over! All over his fur on his stomach. All over his back area (ok, I'll just say it - his anus). I didn't know what to do. I couldn't tell what was bleeding. Was it his butt? What else would it be, right?

I called Mom & Dad, twice. No answer. I figured with Dad being an ex-farmer, he'd have seen something like this & would know what to do. They were no help. Sound asleep, those two insomniacs.

So I ran some tepid bath water and tossed Elvis in to get the blood off. I did as much as I could until he started growling at me. Then I knew I'd hit a sore spot. Where? I had no clue. His butt? His.....what? What the hell else could it be???? He has so much damn fur, I couldn't tell, but I did notice & feel a lump near his anus.

That's when I called the vet & cried with relief that he answered.

Can I just say, this may be the first time - maybe not the first, but certainly the most memorable time - that I said out loud, "I'm so glad I live in this little hamlet" because it's so damn close to the vet.

He told me to come right over. It was probably an anal protuberance and would require anesthesia and surgery.

Fan-freaking-tastic, says the unemployed, poor woman.

I called Mom & Dad....for the 4th time....because now I was concerned about money. They're, obviously, going to have to pay the bill and surgery isn't cheap, but geez. What do you do? Not do anything & let your animal die of an anal protuberance? Come on! Who does that? Cancer, yes. Diabetes, yes. But this? No. I will not let my damn cat die of this.

So I raced over to the vet at 1:30AM, scared to death of killing us both, driving.  I saw no deer on the way over and no cops, thank the FSM, because I was going pretty damn fast.

I got to the little A where the vet is and couldn't remember how the fuck to get there. Where the hell are they???? I drove through that whole damn side of town, twice, and finally found them.

Elvis has an abscess where his urethra would run (urethra inside his body - abscess outside). The vet doesn't think it's related to that. He thinks he MAY HAVE BEEN BIT.  Hellllloooooooo! Dogs were over yesterday. There was a lot of barking and hissing when I was out of the room. What the hell did those little beasts do to my precious? LOL. I think the dogs are more afraid of Elvis, so that would be highly unusual, but WTF? Where did he get this abscess?

So it opened up and the puss & blood all oozed out.

Sound familiar? Does to me....

The vet shaved the area, dabbed some ointment on, and sent me home with liquid antibiotics to give Elvis twice a day. I'm supposed to pay attention to his urinary habits and whether or not the abscess gets bigger instead of smaller within two days.

Oh, the lump I found on his underside? That would be where his testicles were. I am such a girl.

On the drive home, feeling a little calmer and knowing I didn't need to race anywhere, I kept my speed reasonable. Good thing, too, because the deer were out in full force. My adrenaline raced like crazy all the way home after seeing the first one....out of three in three different places. Damn deer. I was going 40 by the time I was a mile out of my little hamlet. Good thing nobody else was on the road with me.

I will not allow Elvis into my bedroom and that's exactly where he wants to go.  I have a fleece blanket covering my couch and another blanket covering my recliner. I removed two unwashable rugs from the dining room. He's going to be oozing for awhile and blood & puss is going to be everywhere, so a woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do.

This is why I do not have children.

Though my love for Elvis is pretty obvious. I'll kick into 'mom'-mode and do whatever's necessary to make him comfortable. I don't think he can jump up so I carried him to the couch. He looks pretty comfy right now and is giving me the eye, like, "Get your ass over here bitch. I feel like shit and need comfort. Comfort me, dammit!"

So off I go to do just that. And smoke about a pack of cigarettes. I don't see any more sleep in my future.....

No Mas!

Update on Elvis: Now I know why he wasn't feeling well. He threw up on my new-garage-sale quilt. And on the rug. And in the kitchen. And in the dining room.

I'm now washing the quilt & rug. Hope the size of them doesn't kill my (younger brother's) washing machine.

Geezy Lou.

But ya still gotta love him.

And he just puked again in the kitchen. FSM Help Me.

"Your future depends on your dreams, so go to sleep." - Mezut Barazany

Yesterday I drove myself to my med-check appointment. It felt good to drive my car. I really do love that damn thing. It's so nice to drive without being in a wild panic. The only problem is, every time I drive it, I use more gas and more oil meaning I'll have to spend $ to fill up and change said oil.  I don't have money for that which means Bank of Mom will pay for it. So I can understand, a bit, why Mom wants to drive me places in her own car.

My med-check appointment was predictable. No changes to my meds since they seem to be working. I did give her a little background on my experience with Abilify in the past but told her I was cautiously optimistic. She just said if it stops working, we'll up the dose. *eye roll* because it's so damn expensive, I have to buy it from a Canadian pharmacy and it's still money out the pocket that insurance doesn't even know about. *sigh*  But it is working, so I don't want to change. Yet.

I told her I'm still having trouble sleeping and how the Dr. on Monday had suggested Benedryl. I'd taken it Thursday night (one pill) and like I said in my previous post, got 4.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep.  The med-check lady (she needs a nickname, too) told me to take 2 Benedryl at bedtime, along with my Klonipin. I think they're secretly trying to kill me.  But I did it. I took 2 Benedryl last night and they were worse than taking one. I was up at 10:30. 10:30!  I was asleep maybe an hour and a 1/2! Then I was asleep, awake, asleep, awake, asleep, awake....until I finally got out of bed at 5. FIVE A.M. I remember loving being up so early, but gotta say, now I despise it. It just leaves too much damn time in my day to fill. I'm having difficulty napping so I can't even look forward to that in my future!  Shit fuck. I love sleep. I miss sleep. I can't remember the last time I actually slept for a significant amount of time, straight through, without waking up.

Has anybody?

I know my mom struggles with insomnia. That's how I never got away with sneaking out when I was a kid. Though somehow older brother got away with it A LOT.  He must have been quieter. So Mom wakes up at 2, 3 or 4 and makes a cup of hot chocolate and takes it back to bed with her. Maybe she's onto something. I'll try anything at this point.

Yesterday, after my appointment, I even went to Walmart, by myself, checked myself out (not "checked myself out" but ran my own groceries through the machine & bagged them myself - I'm not checking myself out - trust me - this ain't pretty) and bought two pumpkins to decorate one of my porches. In fact, I wonder if they're still on the porch or if someone came along last night and stole & smashed them. That seems to be pretty common in small towns. (I should know.)

I then stopped by the library and checked out a couple more books even though I'm having trouble concentrating enough to read. And I'm even reading a good book: "Tuesday's Gone" by Nicci French. Ah hell. I hate not being able to read.

A friend of mine who works at City Hall (actually, my only friend in town) has asked me to help her with some grants. We met Thursday to discuss them and spent 5 hours catching up. We barely talked about the grants. I just grabbed one and said "I'll write this one!"  I spent an hour or so writing it yesterday then met with my friend again yesterday afternoon to get some answers to my questions. We, again, spent more time talking about ourselves than the grant. It's due November 1. I'm not sure we'll ever get it done at the rate we're going, but it's good to catch up and actually be able to talk to a friend. I'm not too worried about the grant. I can bullshit my way through those things like nobody else.

It's great to have a task - something work-like - in my hands. Something that will, hopefully, end in an accomplishment (the awarding of $).  I even told my younger brother to keep his eyes out for part-time jobs. He asked, "Like what?" I said anything. Anything. He laughed and said, "But you don't want to work at Orshelin's!" It's a farm-business that rarely has any vehicles in the parking lot. I'm not even sure they're open, ever. LOL. He asked if I was ok to drive. I said so far so good, except I have parameters. Like if it's raining or snowing, forget it. I'm staying home. :)

I don't think I'm ready to drive to M'town or even the Big O on my own, but I'm getting there. Slowly but surely.

I'm far from being mentally healthy though yesterday I did tell myself I looked good. That hasn't happened in a long time and that was even without any makeup on!  I still think those negative things about myself. I still think (know) I'm a burden. I still consider suicide, though I think once a person has considered it, the thought is always there. But it isn't like I have a plan or want to act on it. I can read your positive things about me and agree with one: I really am funny.  :)

On a side note: I have some slight worry about Elvis. He's acting weird this a.m. He didn't eat anything last night and he usually eats quite a bit. He used the litter box but it wasn't 'normal'. I won't go into details for your own sanity. He crawled under the bed while I did Pilates instead of focusing on the damn chick. He's back in his bed instead of meowing at me and following me around. Maybe I woke him up too damn early and that's all it is, but something's off. I don't like it. Nothing can happen to him. Not now. I'm not ready to deal with that. Or anybody else's.....death. I just don't think I could handle that.....So keep positive thoughts going for my cat. Yes, I'm asking you to think positive thoughts for a cat. I know how bizarre that is. Yes, I've become one of those people. *eye roll*