Dichotomy: Division into two usually contradictory parts or categories.

I just got back from lunch with the man. I'd just settled down for my winter's nap (in the recliner with the electric blanket on) when he texted, "Want lunch?" I'm hungry all the time, so like I'd say no. I drove over, we ate at the place his mom works and while we were there I asked if she could make two extra keys to my house - one for the man and one for the Younger Brother. Because they make keys where we ate. I know it's weird, but that's small town's for ya.

I want them both to have keys because the folks are leaving for the South for a month. I haven't had a freak out....yet. I'm just in planning mode. I'm anxious about picking up their damn mail every day, for pity's sake. I haven't even gotten to the point of being anxious that THEY'LL BE GONE. They won't be just down the block. THEY'LL BE GONE. I'll have to figure shit out for myself. I'll have to rely on the man and Younger Brother to talk me off the ledge....because that damn ledge is always right there.

So I get home from lunch and have the two new keys with me to try  on the door before handing them out and I pull into the garage, close the door and just sit there. Now, I don't know if I just sat there because my car was so damn warm or if I really wanted to just sit there. I'm pretty sure it was a little of both. At one point, I looked at my gas gauge and realized it wasn't full so I probably wouldn't die anyway, then I thought about the keys and who makes two new keys then off's themselves?

I'm still irrational.

I can do one thing (make new keys) and do another (want to kill myself). It's a true dichotomy. I am a true Gemini. Two personalities in one. It's probably why I'm bi-polar. Because I was born in June. Had I been born in January, maybe I'd be a completely different person. I could be a Capricorn or Aquarius. I bet they don't have split personalities.

Dad wondered if he'd said or done something when I was little that could have made me this way. I said, YES, You had sex! I mean, our family tree is chock full of alcoholics and mentally ill people. It's no wonder I am the way I am. No wonder. I don't blame anyone. I am what I am. But I still think people would be better off without me.

I don't think it matters that people think I have all these positive attributes. I don't think it matters that I'm in therapy.  I don't think it matters that I'm smitten with the man. I don't think it matters that I have bouts of happiness and laughter. I don't think it matters that mom & dad are leaving in a few days. I don't think it matters what a mess I'll leave behind. I don't think any of it matters except that I'll be off this ride. Nothing matters but ending this awful pain.

And that's irrational. Cuck-koo. Crazy.

That's the dichotomy. I know it's crazy. I know it's irrational thinking. I know, I know, I know and yet....the pull of release - of no longer existing - is like nothing I can explain. It's like I'm on the ledge of this ginormous cliff and around my waist is a lasso and hanging from that lasso is the beast, weighing me down, trying to pull me over the ledge.  Can you picture it? This dark, hairy, huge beast, wiggling and twisting and turning and pulling at me and me...I'm digging in my heels, I'm leaning back as far as I can, I'm fighting like hell to not go over the cliff with the beast but he's so damn strong. I'm sliding in the dirt & rocks. My heels are slipping. I have nothing to hang onto except the rope and its burning my hands. Only that's not true, is it? I have plenty to hang onto. I just need to remember....set the irrational beast aside and remember....I have family ( a tree just appeared to my right); I have friends (a strong vine has just appeared on my left); I have the man (a rock has just appeared right in front of me)....I'm no longer slipping in the dirt. I've got grip and something to push off of.

I may just get this beast yet.

Sleeping is no mean art: for its sake one must stay awake all day. ~Friedrich Nietzsche

I've slept all day. I'm not sure what that means for the above quote. I know I won't be up all night because the drugs will KO me.

What's important (or not) is that I've slept all day. I literally had nothing to do - ok, that's not true. I had stuff to do, like dye my hair. I just didn't want to do any of them. I justified my sleeping all day by telling myself I had a long, trying day yesterday.  It was a normal day for a normal person, but for me it was awful. In & out of the car 20 x's, driving, therapy, just non-stop stuff.

Maybe my body's just getting slammed by the drugs and it needs it's rest. I wake up feeling 'normal' tired, then around 10:00, real tired hits me and I want to sleep. It doesn't help that my bed has an electric blanket calling my name 24-7. "Aaaaaaaaamy.....come to me....I will keep you warm". I imagine that being said in an Antonio Banderis voice.

I seriously need to get a regular job so I'm away from my bed during the week. Just for that reason alone.

I don't think I'm sleeping out of boredom, though I am quite bored. If that were the case, I wouldn't be out for hours on end. Sleeping because you're bored - you always wake up after only a little while. Now if you're depressed AND bored, that's a different story. Then you can sleep for 24 hours straight. Maybe I'm that and the only reason I'm awake is because Dad visited earlier and the man's on his way over.

I would get the short end of the stick on the bi-polar spectrum. I'm bipolar with depressive tendencies. Nope, couldn't get bi-polar with manic tendencies. God forbid I actually feel good for a minute.

Or I slept a lot today because my body just hasn't adjusted yet to the Seroquel. I don't know and I'm not sure I really care. I could have been dead for all anybody knew (until 3:00 when Dad came over and I'm pretty sure if I didn't answer my door, he'd just go home....because he has before). I wake up and try to remember, every day, to unlock my side door (the door everyone uses) just so nobody has to break down the door to check on me.

It's all so ridiculous. I don't want to off myself, as I've said on numerous occasions, but who the hell knows what these drugs are going to do to me; if I have a psychotic episode and don't do anything rational; or if I just drop into a depression and same thing - no rational thought. It isn't that I threaten to kill myself. It's just a fact. I've tried it too many times before not to have it be the first thing I think of when I'm depressed or psychotic. First thing.

Argh. This post is getting too depressing and the man is here, so I'm going to sign off and hope tomorrow's post is happier. Or fake happy at least.

"Having perfected our disguise, we spend our lives searching for someone we don't fool." -Robert Brault

I don't know who this Robert Brault guy is but I need to find out. He's got a lot of good, insightful things to say...that I can then quote.

So last night when the man came over, I worked up the nerve to talk to him about drinking, how I feel or don't feel or don't know how I feel, and what it means for us.

He was blissfully understanding of my 'not knowing how I feel about it all' and I think we came to a conclusion: That I'd rather know if he's had one or two or four before coming to see me than not; that he'd have my back in a situation someone was pressuring me to drink; and that if he wants to drink with the guys, do so without planning to see me later.

So far, he's turned down all of his friends' offers to have drinks in order to spend time with me. *smile* But I don't want to be "that" girlfriend. I don't really care if he goes out and has a few or not. I think it'd be good for him to do so with his friends, but it's his decision - not mine.

My sobriety is the most important thing to me, personally. I will not allow anything or anyone to jeopardize that. Not even a man I've given my born-again-virginity to. Nope. Not even him.

It feels good to say that. It feels strong to say that. It feels like I could kick someone's ass if they mess with my sobriety. I am strong. I will fight. And I will remain sober. No. Matter. What.

"One key to success is to have lunch at the time of day most people have breakfast." -Robert Brault

I made it to the 7AM meeting this morning. Discussion was about our "higher power". As you know, I have difficulty with a higher power. I believe Nature is more powerful than I am. I believe AA as a whole is more powerful than I am. If there is a deity called the Flying Spaghetti Monster, he's certainly more powerful than me!

My problem comes to the part of giving up my will to the higher power. Ummmmm, yeah, I can't give up my will to Nature, AA or the FSM. I'd give it up to my therapist. She's the only one I'd trust with it.

To be perfectly honest with you, I'm beat. I don't really want to be blogging, but I have shit I need to get off my chest.

I've had a long day of getting up at 4AM, leaving the house by 5:30, arriving in CB a little early so I went to Walgreens and got V-Day cards - do you know how hard it is to buy cards for someone you're not in love with but definite like? HARD. They're ridiculously stupid. Then I went to the meeting, sat through an hour of the good, the bad and the f-ugly, and didn't even get a chance to talk to anybody afterward because they all had to leave early. I then texted my friend, Bob, and asked if he could meet me at Starbucks. He, amazingly, could. So we chatted for an hour and a half, then I ran to Target. Oh Target, how you get me every time. I actually tried on bathing suits and found one I like -- not in my size. Oh woe is me. I bought TP, coffee and a battery for my watch and felt like I spent a fortune.

I then went to Gordman's to do some lookin' for the man. He needs new jeans (not that he doesn't have enough - he wants 'different'). Do you think I could find his damn size. NOPE. I searched every damn rack and finally threw my hands up in the air and said, "Well, I guess that means I shop for myself!" And I did. I bought myself another robe for $11.00.  I was thrilled. And tired. I just wanted to go home, crawl into bed in my new robe and fall asleep, but I got a call as I was pulling out of the lot from the therapist's office. She had an opening at 2 - could I make it? Yep, I could. Would I was the real question. I did. I figure the weather's going to be sketchy the next few days so I better take the opportunity while I could.

What did we talk about? Shit. We talked about shit for an hour. Shit that I do to myself. Shit that I do to others. Shit I think others are thinking. Shit, shit, shit.

God, I'm tired. I'm about to drop the f-bomb every other word.

I know I still have a problem being around alcohol. I think everyone who knows me knows that about me. I don't want to see it. I don't want to smell it, especially. I don't want to even think about it. I wish it would vanish from the face of the Earth. It'd make life so much better for so many people. I think the man may have withheld some info from me initially, which my therapist seems to think is o.k. For example, the first night he came over, he'd had 4 beers. I had no idea. I couldn't smell it on him (but it wasn't like we were making out or I was sitting on him or anything so how would I know?) He says he used to drink 3 18-packs a week. RED FLAG, AMY! RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! lol. My therapist also doesn't think this is a big deal. He hasn't drank but one or two beers in three weeks. She thinks he's o.k. I'm freaked out. She thinks it just took him a little while to get to know me to open up about drinking. She says everybody lies about how much they drink. She says whatever someone tells you, take it times 2. Well, hell, that'd put me at 36 a night instead of 18. That's death, right there folks.

Can I be with someone who drinks socially?

My parents drink socially and I'm with them. My brother drinks socially and I'm with him. So why is a boyfriend any different?

Because it is, isn't it? It is different. It's different because this is a person you could spend every day with. This is a person you could move in with. This is a person you could marry, for pity's sake. One alcoholic's enough, thank you...I can't handle two. And I'm not saying he's an alcoholic, but clearly alcohol plays a role in his life, as do I, and I want to be more important than that addictive substance that just about ruined my life.

When I become less important and it becomes more important, then we'll have another discussion.

For now, it's infinitesimal how much he drinks. Let's just keep it that way.

*smirk* We get to have sex tonight after a week's hiatus. I think this drinking thing can go by the wayside for tonight. I'll have plenty of time to worry about it tomorrow.

"My cat's bulimic and I'm an alcoholic." -Me

We should start our own support groups. He'd have a group of cats and dogs who eat then vomit up their food in 20 different places around the house. I'd have the same group except it'd be people.

I am going to the 7AM meeting tomorrow morning. I don't care how I feel; I'm going. I need to go. I'm forgetting why I don't drink. Oh yeah, because it's never 'just one'; it's bad for my health; it'll kill me.

Yet, there are moments when I think about it and wish that I could drink like a normal person. I wish I could go hangout at the bar with the locals. I wish I could have a drink with the man. I feel bad that he hasn't had a drink since dating me, though it's better for him in so many ways, so no, I don't really feel bad. I just don't want to be seen as the 'bad' girlfriend by his buddies. Who gives

Oh wait, bulimic Elvis is having an episode. Oops, just a hairball.  

As I was saying.....Who gives a fuck what his buddies think of me. What matters is what he thinks of me and if he's happy not drinking then so am I. If he wants to drink, he'll drink. I just won't be around. It's easy peasy.

Isn't it?

I need to get to the point where I'm o.k. being around it and not dying to have a drink. I don't think I'm there yet. I don't know what I'd do if someone offered me a drink - at the bar, at the man's, at work, wherever. I'd like to think I'd say No thank you, but I can't guarantee that. I need to remember, drinking while on drugs is a bad combination. Now, drinking while on pot wouldn't matter, but drinking on the kinds of drugs I'm on would. Yet another reason to smoke pot. lol.

I've told plenty of people: "I'm allergic to alcohol. I wind up in handcuffs." They laugh, then proceed to tell me about their exploits while drunk. Helllooooo, like I want to hear all the fun you had while drinking? No, No I do not. Nor do I want to hear that someone from rehab is to the point where they can have 2-3 drinks and stop.  I have no STOP mechanism in my brain. I just don't stop. Ever. I'm like the rat without some gland who just keeps eating and eating because the gland telling him to stop is missing.....and then he explodes from eating too much. That's me. Except for the exploding part. Well maybe.

So it's a good thing I'm going to my meeting tomorrow. And maybe do a bit of window shopping as well.

"I expected to do a face-plant on the coffee table." -Me

Last night I jumped up to the 100mg dose of Seroquel. I fully expected some sort of heightened effect compared to the 50 mg dose. There wasn't any. It felt exactly the same. Tired. Bed. Sleep. Wake up at 3. Fall asleep. Wake up at 4. Fall asleep. Wake up at 4:30.

Now, if I weren't an old lady with an old man and I had to actually go do something after taking the Seroquel at 6:00pm, then I would foresee a problem. I wouldn't be able to drive. Too medicated. They'd pull me over for Driving While Ability Impaired. I'm not sure I'd be able to hold my head upright so watching a basketball game would be out. I'm pretty sure I'd be slurring my words so everybody would think I was drunk.

It's best for me to just stay home after taking it.

This morning I was so excited to only have to take 3 pills. No more Abilify! So I'm taking Wellbutrin, Estrogen, and Klonopin. I actually say them out loud as I'm taking them so I know what I'm taking and that I'm taking the correct drug. Elvis thinks I'm weird, but he's meowing non-stop so he probably doesn't even hear me. "Wellbutrin, Estrogen, Klonopin".

The man & I were joking this morning - we're not spending the night together for the second time. The first time, COINCIDENTALLY, I had a breakdown. We'll see if I have one tonight and then we'll know....it's him. LOL. I think I'll be just fine because my breakdown was about work; not him. And since I don't have to work for the next 4 days, I should be fine.

I would like to go to the Wednesday meeting in CB tomorrow morning (thus the staying apart - he has to pick up his parents at the airport tonight at 10 - I'll be out like a light so there's really no point in staying together just to sleep). I'm looking forward to it. Not so much the drive, but being in a meeting and seeing people. Of course, that's this morning. All that may change by tomorrow.

I have no plans for today other than to nap like the dead (yesterday I 'napped' for 3 hours - it was bliss). I need to trim my nails. That sounds exciting, doesn't it? I think it's another lazy day of watching movies, napping, cuddling with Elvis and just flat out relaxing.   I do love sitting in front of my computer listening to music. I don't know what I'd do without music - go insane?

"Seroquel XR may cause a stuffy nose." -Seroquel XR website

No stuffy nose here, thank the FSM!

I'd say I've had relatively few side effects on the 50 mg tablets. Today I jump up to 100mg. I don't imagine I'll be awake for very long after taking them. They do knock me out and I do sleep pretty darn good. If I wake up, which I'm pretty sure I do, I don't remember it the next morning.

I do notice, even after taking my morning meds which include Klonopin, the anxiety begins around 7 or 8. Especially at work. I wonder if the Seroquel wears off and the Klonopin just isn't enough. I feel like I'm going to vomit. My hear races. I start thinking about my garage. And I'm almost moved to tears.

But then the day goes on as it always does, anxiety or no, and a person just has to fight through it.

On Saturday, a bunch of guys from the Man's work stopped in and I was introduced as "Hey guys, this is the girl the man's been talking about" in front of around 20 guys. I almost passed out. Really. Almost passed out. You try being in the spotlight in Country Store garb, not looking your best! It was awful. I'm sure I made a grrrrrreat impression.

Saturday, the farm-town drunk stopped in to buy his 12 pack. He's drunk when he drives in. He's drunk when he's walking down the aisle to get his beer. He reeks of it when I check out his items. I shouldn't sell him beer, but I just can't help myself. I empathize with him so much. I remember those days. I'd run out at home and have to run to the Kum & Go to get more. I'm sure they wondered the same things about me as I do him. Or maybe not. Maybe they didn't care. But I wonder where he lives, what he does, who he lives with. I just wonder.

Sunday was my last day of Diflucan (for my "down-there" infection). Praise the FSM. Sex, here I come! LOL. We still have to wait until Wednesday, but look out Wednesday. You're in for a wild ride. *head shake*.

Sunday the anxiety began at 7. I had taken the Seroqel at 5:45 the night before. It's the latest I feel comfortable taking it. I don't want to sleep in until 6 or 7. I want to wake up when the man wakes up which is around 4:30. I even took two more Klonopin at 7:30 Sunday morning. They didn't help. I swear they're just sugar pills. Wouldn't surprise me. Anxiety was worse at 11:00. I don't know why. It just was.

I'm so tired of the anxiety. I really hope this Seroquel works because I found out (from a reliable source, I'm sure) that because I'm officially diagnosed "bi-polar", pot would have an opposite effect on me. It'd make me hyper instead of mellow. Well, shit. Like I need that. I still think it's worth a try in a safe environment. With plenty of munchies.

Fear less, hope more; eat less, chew more; whine less, breathe more; talk less, say more; hate less, love more; and all good things are yours. ~Swedish Proverb

Mom told me today over the phone that I actually sounded cheerful.

WTF?

When did I become cheerful because I missed it.

Just because I swept and Swiffered the floors does not mean I'm suddenly all better.....and least of all cheerful because I just did chores. Maybe I sounded like I didn't want to off myself. Maybe I sound different when I'm thinking about it vs. when I'm  not. *smirk* Doubtful.

I don't know how I feel, to be honest with you. I slept a lot today. I sat and stared a lot today. Seems like a normal day to me. I got anxious about work. I, for some reason, keep forgetting I have to go. Odd. Setting the alarm and waking up at 4:10 will remind me.

It's 5:00pm here and I haven't taken the Seroquel yet. It didn't seem to hit me until 2 -3 hours later last night so I'm waiting until 6 to take it. It's a risk. I could sleep straight through the alarm if I actually get a good night's sleep. OR I could be up all night like I was last night.

I've just read the same paragraph over & over and I still don't really know what I read. What do I say? Oh, sleep, right.

Then Dad stopped by this afternoon for which I am eternally grateful (just for the visit and his computer knowledge) and said as he was leaving something about not letting the man take up too much of my time.

Huh?

All I have is time. I got time up the wazoo. Time isn't the issue. It's the fact that I'm getting attached to someone who could potentially hurt me and send me into the loony bin. LOL That's the real issue, Dad.

The man's become my rock. Well maybe not exactly my rock, but at least a stone. He's available almost every day or night if I need something. He converses with me; not just talks at me. Well, he's a really good listener. He has no clue what to do but he's willing to try anything. He's very understanding about what's going on...he may not understand it, but he understands I don't feel well. And neither of us have a lot going on in our social lives so why not spend it together, with people we like?

I just heard Eminem use Seroquel in a song. Hmmm. Maybe I need to do more research on it.

Anywhoo, I don't feel cheerful. I don't think the man and I are spending too much time together and if we are that means the relationship is progressing. That's a good thing b/c this old lady is no spring chicken.

"The journey of a thousand miles starts with your luggage going a thousand miles in the opposite direction." -Maxine

I took Seroquel at 4:10 last night.

I expected immediate sedation. I expected I'd be passed out on the floor. I expected something.

But that's not how these things work. It doesn't hit you "BAM" right away.

It took 2 - 3 hours. Then I started to feel the effects. It was a bit like being tipsy. Couldn't walk straight. Slurring my words. Tired. Oh blessed tired. I thought for sure I'd sleep like the dead.

I was wrong.

I was up at 10:30. Then again at Midnight when I decided to move to the couch. I was up at 2. I was up at 4.

Granted, I had the man snoring in the bedroom and the damn cat meowing it's head off, but still. I should have been knocked out.

KO'd.

That wasn't the case.

I've had several bad dizzy spells where I've had to just drop to the floor before I dropped to the floor unconsciously and broke my nose or my teeth or my whole face.

I'm hoping tonight's dose is better than yesterday's. I'm a bit disappointed it didn't kick in right away. I wanted sedation, dammit.

I'm still anxious.

I'll be your pharmacist today. What can I get you?

I seriously could open a pharmacy. It's ridiculous. I just got my week of meds in order and it took me an hour. How old am I? Because I feel like I'm 90 and someone should come over daily to make sure I've taken my meds and I've eaten.

So the update on the med-check is this:

My official diagnosis is bi-polar (rather than major depressive disorder).
I'm now on Seroquel. (Could have been worse- could have been Lithium)
I'm still taking Wellbutrin.
I'm still taking Abilify for the next 4 days (to wean me off)
I'm still taking Klonopin.
Oh, and besides all these, I'm on the low dose of estrogen.....and Diflucan for my infection.

Geezy lou!

The Seroquel is supposed to also help with the anxiety. We'll see. It's going to seriously sedate me for awhile and each increase in the med is going to cause more sedation. Super. I'll be a bundle of fun the next two weeks....Because I start out on 4 days of 50mg, then 4 days of 100mg, then 4 days of 150, then 4 days of 200mg. I take it 12 hours before I want to wake up. That would be 4:30am so I'll be taking it today at 4:30pm. I'm anxious to see what it will do, if anything.

It's all so complicated. How's a depressed person supposed to keep track of this shit? My blog. This blog. This blog has helped me so much; you have no idea.

Thank you for reading it, dear reader. Thank you.

"Even doctors make mistakes. Mine asked me to undress." -Maxine

Funny how appropriate Maxine's quote of the day is for today's blog post.

I had quite the day yesterday. Lunch with Craig. Stopped by work to see the manager but she wasn't there. Just the dead-pan-faced woman. She's so pleasant to interact with. Then I went to the Big A and got gas (b/c it's so much cheaper there) then went to my doctor's appointment where she proceeded to poke and prod me yet again. At least she was gentle. Some aren't. I think that's why my reaction to this exam is to cry. It's just my natural reaction these days. It's odd, so I warned the nurse. The doctor understood and said she cries most of the time, too.  It's no fun. But the test results came back and I do have a yeast infection.

YEAH! So happy. Oh and no sex for a week. I texted Craig, "btw, no sex. lmao" because I was literally laughing my ass off. I thought it was hilarious. I'm sure he did not, however. I'm still laughing about it. I still think it's funny.

I was sitting in my therapist's parking lot when I got the call.  Oh joy. I had already been to Walmart between appointments and gotten all of my groceries and there was no way in hell I was going back to get my prescription after my therapy appointment. I just couldn't. I'd done enough in one day. I also went to Salvation Army between appointments and got two new shirts for Craig and some long sleeve T's for me, OH! And a new pair of jeans (for me) I found in the men's section. Niiiiice.

My therapy appointment went as expected. She was overjoyed I'm dating and have had sex. She's not so overjoyed that I'm still depressed, anxious and think of offing myself on a daily basis. I'm pretty sure she would have committed me had I given her any indication it would help. It wouldn't. It'd just keep me away from harmful objects. Well, hell, what's 4 days in a psych unit going to do for me? Really? Except bore me to death and cause me harm because I wouldn't be able to smoke? Can you imagine the travesty of not being able to smoke???  Geezy lou. That'd be enough to want to off myself right there! I'd find a way. Trust me.

I see the med-check lady today & I'm returning all the drugs they've given me (samples).  We need to start from scratch. This shit has got to change. What am I going to do when my parents leave in February for the whole month? What if I have a major breakdown? Sonofabitch. I think I just keep pushing the fact that they're leaving to the back of my mind because if I think about it at all, I freak out. FREAK. OUT. So I don't think about it, but my therapist said I need to make a plan. So I talked to Younger Brother yesterday and said I need to text him everyday at 6pm and if he doesn't hear from me, he needs to at least call and if he doesn't reach me, he probably needs to come collect my dead body before Elvis eats me. Younger Brother just laughed. *eye roll* He apparently doesn't think this is serious. I sure as shit do.

I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to off myself. I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to be anxious. I don't want to hate myself so much that I think I'm unworthy of anybody's love. I'm sick of being this negative person. I'm sick of being the downer. I'm sick of wanting to kill myself but not achieving that goal. I'm sick of wanting to hurt myself so badly that I don't have to go to work. It's all so ridiculous, my thoughts. They're totally irrational. I. Am. Not. Normal.

I just want to have some semblance of normalcy. I don't expect to be perfectly 'normal', but could I at least not be depressed and anxious? Could we at least get that under control?

And it pisses me off to high heaven that Social Security deems me "abled" instead of "disabled". Idiots.

Besides that, my therapist and I talked about what I like in Craig - I feel safe & secure when I'm with him. He's funny. He's good looking (that doesn't hurt). He's caring. He's gentle. He feels the same about financial situations as I do. He knows I'm an atheist and he didn't immediately try to convert me. We're good in bed together. We have good conversations. (Most important for last).

But, I kept saying, "I don't know what he sees in me" and that sent my therapist on a rant about how negative I am towards myself and how I'd been doing it the whole session. But I really don't know what he sees in me. I know I'm funny. I got that going for me, but that's about it. My body's not bad, but my face is a horror. I will never take another selfie again. *eye roll* I look like the Two-Face episode from Seinfeld.

I'm the one on the left.

I need to find that list you all gave me of what you love about me or what's positive about me. I need to tape it to my forehead.

My therapist said I also need to call her when things get bad. At 7PM at night? I don't think she's around then. But I told her I'd make a note that would say "Call When Needed!" and have her number below it. I haven't done that yet. Her number's right in front of my face on my desk. I don't think making a note is going to change anything. I'll still forget to call her.

The days are getting closer to work. The anxiety increases as the days get closer. I mean, come on, I went to the extreme of harming myself (hitting myself in the head with a hammer) when I didn't want to go to work one time. That tells you the extremeness of my 'not wanting to go to work'. I tried to off myself another time. You think I've got issues with work? You bet your ass I do and I wish I knew why. I don't get it. I just hope I make it through this weekend without doing anything stupid. Maybe new drugs starting today will kick in and make everything rainbows, unicorns and lollipops.

Or I'm gonna start smoking pot.

"Give up the Funk"

I feel funky this morning and not in the "We need the funk, give up the funk" kind of way, either.

Every time I stay at the man's, he makes coffee and we sit in bed for about an hour, just talking, drinking our coffee and relaxing before the day begins (well, he relaxes; I'm anxious as hell).  I realized this morning, he's making caffeinated coffee. Bad Amy, Bad. *hand slap* Duh.

I cannot have caffeine of any sort. It seriously makes me funky. It makes the anxiety 10-fold worse. My coffee is decaf. My soda is decaf. I feel like my life is a decaf-kind-of-life. Tame. Only it's not tame. It's anxious, 24-7.

I bet you're sick of hearing about my anxiety. Well, I'm sick of it too and can't wait to get to the med-check lady tomorrow. We're changing something whether she likes it or not.

It's Wednesday. I have another day of running around; lunch with the man at 11. Doctor's appointment at 1. Therapy at 3. If the doctor's appointment gets done in a reasonable amount of time, I'll get groceries. If not, I'll sit and smoke.

I'm anxious about the whole damn thing. I keep taking deep breaths. I keep trying to tell myself "there's nothing to be anxious about....it'll all be o.k.....you can do this...." but nothing seems to work. I have this wave of anxiety that sweeps over me every few minutes. It's not like being hit by a Mack truck. It's more like the ocean is swallowing me up. I just want it to end.

I asked the man this morning how long he thought it would take for a person to kill themselves by sitting in their garage in a running car. Then we joked that I'd probably run out of gas, have to call someone to drive me out to the gas station to fill 'er up again, and start all over. *head shake*. I am seriously fucked up. And apparently so is he.

I'm afraid I'm going to lose my job. I'm afraid I'm going to quit. I'm afraid I'm going to get fired. I'm afraid I'll just keep calling in sick until they let me go. Why does work make me so anxious? Nothing else makes me as anxious as thinking about work and I do my damnedest not to think about it. I do. But as the days get closer to the weekend, I can't help but feel anxious and want to throw up, have a heart attack, or just off myself. Nothing else matters but getting this feeling out of me.

I'm sitting here, writing this, and crying. For no apparent reason other than I'm anxious as all hell. I have to be seriously depressed. Depressed because I'm so fucking anxious.

It's going to be one of those days. I don't see lunch with the man in the future and in fact, I see myself sitting in the doctor's office, crying, and them wondering what the fuck is wrong with me - it's just a regular exam, for pete's sake. Oh, if only I could explain or if only people just understood without an explanation. I should wear a sign around my neck that says, "Depressed & Anxious. Handle with Caution. Tears May Erupt At Any Moment."

"Me and work: a real hate-hate relationship" -Maxine

It's been a busy day for me. I was just sitting on the couch telling Elvis, "I hate days like these".  I wasn't home pretty much all day. But I also hate days when I'm home, all alone, doing absolutely nothing. I hate days when I have appointments. I hate days when I don't. I hate days when I work. I hate days when I don't work. I hate every type of day which leaves no days to love.

I then realized that I don't hate the people and the "stuff" during the days when I'm gone - like today. I just hate being gone from home. It makes me anxious. Of course, I'm anxious when I'm home, too, but less so. Much less so.

So Mom and I ventured into the ghetto of West O (truly, it was ghetto) to check out a moving sale. We shouldn't have. I think I should have taken a shower after being in that home. So no on the Queen bed they had for sale. Then we ventured our way through Walmart and then headed home. I was home for maybe 2 hours, then had to head to Younger Brother's house to wait for the MediaCom person....who didn't show up until Younger Brother did, after work. *sigh*

And now I'm home for maybe another 10 minutes, then I'm heading out to the man's house to spend the night.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow morning when I can just shower, relax, drink coffee.....and be anxious about my doctor & therapist appointments in the afternoon.

I think about work and I want to vomit. That's not normal. Well, maybe it's normal for people who really hate their jobs, but I don't really hate my job. I just think I'm going to screw something up and everybody will hate me. I get anxious if I just think about it. How ridiculous is that? It's Tuesday for pete's sake!

There's a lot of hate in this post.

I hope there's a lot of love in tomorrow's.

"January often finds me paying bills by the flickering firelight. Maybe this time I'll get to the electric bill first." -Maxine

First & Foremost:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE GREATEST MOM IN THE WORLD!

Whew. I didn't forget.

I hope Mom has a day like every other day - one where she does all the things she wants: Coffee at 6:30, housework until 10, relaxing & on her Kindle until lunch, more relaxing and Kindle time in the afternoon until 2:30/3:00 when it's coffee time again.  I think this is her perfect day. I hope she gets all that she wants. She deserves it.

What a difference 12 hours makes. I spent yesterday in my robe, sleeping on & off; crying on & off. Until around 6:00 and then a switch flipped and I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't cry. I felt bad that I'd disappointed Craig - his parents were coming to the house to pick up his son and I'd get to meet 'the dad' (I'd already met Mom at a lunchtime trip to the Mini Mart).  So I gathered up my bedtime belongings, did my hair, tried to make my eyes look less puffy and traveled out to his house for goulash and parent-meeting. I'm glad I did.

The switch had flipped. I didn't cry anymore. I may have actually laughed at one point, while talking to his mom.

The switch had flipped. There wasn't anything special about what made it flip. It just did.

I'm sick of this roller coaster ride of ups & downs, especially when the downs include suicidal ideations. I can't wait for Thursday when I have a med check. Again this morning I looked at the pills in my hand and wondered what exactly they were doing for me.

I think the multi-vitamin is the only thing that's working. It's kept the flu at bay. The rest of them, I think I could stop taking and wouldn't notice a damn bit of difference.

This morning is a good morning. I got home, took care of Elvis, showed him some love, took an actual shower with actual water pressure (fantastic!) and am now sipping my coffee while writing to you. I have no plans for the day (which is dangerous so I need to come up with something) but I have a feeling today's going to be good. What's Fergie say, "I gotta feeling tonight's gonna be a good night"? I skipped that song the last two days. It just didn't apply. Today, I think I'd listen to it if it came on.

I gotta feeling......

"Now that the holiday blues are over, let's resume our everyday melancholy." - SomeEcards

I had a rough night. Mom & Dad came over. We watched a movie. I cried. I had taken 3 Klonipin because surely 3 at once would stop the anxiety. They just made me dizzy. I called in to work for today (Sunday). I knew I wouldn't make it and I didn't want to leave anybody in a lurch or make phone calls at 4am.

I stayed in bed until 8:15. As soon as I started brushing my teeth, the tears started as well. Even after I took my meds.

I looked at my hand full of pills and thought, "Why aren't you fucking working?"

It's not going to be a good day and I should have just stayed in bed, asleep, where I don't cry.

Craig & I talked on the phone last night after Mom & Dad left and I had crawled into bed to sleep. It was just good to hear his voice even if this does make him run away screaming. Though it hasn't so far. He's bringing lunch over today along with Jake.  I'm not sure I can handle a kid on a good day, let alone a day like today so I'm pretty sure a big "IGNORE" is on the way. I'll be the worst girlfriend. I don't really care at this point.

Oh, and on a positive note, I think I've got something worse going on 'down there', such as an infection of the yeasty kind. FAB-U-LOUS! All that poking and prodding on Monday obviously didn't help but the nurse was thrilled to tell me that I don't have gonorrhea or chlamydia. (I think it's sad I can spell those words without googling them.)

I need to at least take a bath. Put on people clothes (under my robe of course). Maybe blow dry my hair, at least, if not style it. I can't help the eyes. They are what they are - puffy and 1/2 closed. And then prop myself on the couch with my smokes, my soda and my coffee.....for the day. I'll just leave the door unlocked in case anybody wants to stop by. I'll be too catatonic to get up and answer.

Oh the joys of depression. Are there any? At least the depression is so bad now that it takes the brain off the anxiety. Yippee!

"How come if alcohol kills millions of brain cells, it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?" ~Author Unknown

There's a shin-dig going on tonight at the local pub. A local band and the celebration of January birthdays. If I had no willpower, I'd be down there drinking my ass off. And do you know why? Anxiety. Motherfucking, goddamn, shitfuck anxiety. It's no wonder I started drinking in the first place.

You know why I don't eat? It's because I'm too damn nauseous to want to eat. Almost the only times I eat are when someone's made something for me and it would be impolite not to eat it OR I'm literally starving and my stomach is eating itself and I realize that's unhealthy and I'm probably going to pass out without food, so I better eat. It's usually the second one that forces me to eat.

The whole thing just makes me want to take pill after pill after pill until there's some EFFECT. Something. Some change. Some lessening of the anxiety.

I don't think I'm good alone.

I think I go to dark places when I'm alone. I let the anxiety take over and the beast gets stronger than me and I can't beat it back. I start to think of excuses why not to get out of bed in the morning. Or why not to wake up at all, ever again. The car in the garage looks more & more inviting.

Ahhh, but it's so much work. I'd have to seal off the house door to the garage so I wouldn't kill Elvis. That's a lot of work. Too much to bother.

So instead, I just suffer through the anxiety. Try to fight the beast back, back, back. Get up the next morning and tell myself, "It's just one day. You can do one day".

It's amazing, isn't it? I have so many good things going on in my life: new job, new man, new house, Elvis, Friends, Family and yet........................

And yet.........................................

And yet, when the beast wins, the beast wins. There's no thought about all the good in my life. There's only despair & depression & irrational thoughts. There's a comfort in an end. An end to this misery. An end to feeling like a worthless piece of shit who's never going to make it in life anyway, so I might as well off myself. There's a comfort in an end. In knowing all of that will end. There isn't any thought to anything else. Except maybe Elvis because I would feel really bad if he also died due to my stupidity.

And sometimes a girl just needs a good goddamn cry.

"Nothing burns calories like carrying a grudge." -Maxine

I haven't seen my therapist since December 23rd. I don't see her again until January 22nd. A whole month.

A helluva lot has happened in that month.

Christmas.
Zoe coming home.
Drug increase.
Dating someone.
Doctor appointment not related to my mental health.
Parents leaving for a month.
Sex.

LOL. I crack myself up.

She may have a heart attack. I wonder if I should bring some defibrilator paddles with me.

What I want most to talk about is having a healthy relationship, sober. It's like I don't know what to do. I feel a bit like a fish out of water. I'm sucking air. I'm flopping around. I feel like I need water.

What I really need is a guide.

Someone who's done this before and can tell me the secrets.

What am I doing right? What am I doing wrong? Does it even matter?

I don't think it matters. I'm going to be me no matter what and he's going to be him no matter what so we just have to see if we're compatible or not. I do know that what I learned in AA and what I'm still learning in therapy will come in handy. It's good to take a pause before speaking. It's good to digest what you've just heard. It's best not to jump to conclusions or make assumptions. It's good to keep my own side of the street clean and not worry about someone else's side. There are no "should's". There are needs & wants. It's good to be your own person and have your own hobbies, likes, interests, etc.

My problem is: I have no hobbies, likes, or interests. I watch t.v. I nap. That about covers it these days. I really do need to develop some hobbies - surely there's something out there I like to do. Surely.

"You can't fight progress...but I've noticed that you can unplug a good chunk of it." -Maxine

I don't really have anything to blog about this morning other than the closer I get to the weekend (work) the higher my anxiety gets. I'll catch my heart racing, my stomach churning, my ear ringing and just try to take a deep breath to quell the anxiety. It usually doesn't work. Nothing does.

So since it's Thursday,  you can imagine my anxiety is a bit higher than it would be on a Monday. I don't enjoy the feeling. It's 24-7 nausea. It feels like I'm having a heart attack. It feels like I'm going to faint. Then the bad thoughts begin and I start to feel like an idiot; that I'm worthless; that I'll never make it int his world; blah, blah, blah. You've heard it all before. Same shit, different day (SSDD for you Stephen King fans).

I'm getting my haircut this morning at 10am and have 2 hours to fill beforehand. I've already written on the other blog and now on this one so what will I do for 2 hours? Sit & smoke. Drink coffee. Try not to feel anxious. Try not to think about work which makes me anxious.

I don't get it - it feels good to have my own money and I'm going to need it to buy food for the next month or so since food stamps deems me unworthy. And work isn't difficult. In fact, I usually have a pretty good time chatting with the customers. I just worry about doing something wrong. Or not doing something that I should be doing. I worry something will break down and I won't know what the hell to do. And so what? It's not my responsibility to know those things. I'd just call my manager.

So, there's really no reason to feel as much anxiety as I do. And it's all day, every day. It isn't just about work. It's about life in general. It's about nothing. Literally nothing. It's like a Seinfeld episode - a show about nothing. Anxiety about nothing. Or anxiety about everything. Everything & Nothing.

But today is going to be a good day. So far, the sun is rising. The wind is gusty. I'll get my haircut and have lunch with the man and maybe see where he works. And then he'll come over after work. It'll be a good day. It has to be.

"I found a fun way to carry my meds around...I load 'em in a Pez dispenser!" -Maxine

That'd be a fun way to take them, rather than going to my hourly & weekly dispenser that's the size of a novel and something a 90 year old should have in their home.

I think Elvis may have an issue. Or at least, I do.

This is Elvis licking a picture of me that I put in my Bucket of Bliss. Craig &  I could hear Elvis rustling papers around and I knew he was in my damn Bucket of Bliss. Craig thought Elvis was trying to pee in it. Nope. Just licking a picture. The one below:

I love this picture from Christmas of 2013. I kept it near my computer. Every morning, I'd wake up and it would be moved, just a tad. I figured Elvis had jumped up onto the computer desk and bumped it. Nope. He'd been licking the damn thing the whole time.

When I finally stopped him last night (& hid the picture), he reeked of camera film.

He's been throwing up all morning.

It's no wonder. It may be his end.

Mom & I are heading to the City today to do a little shopping. Her birthday's coming up and I have no idea what to get the woman. She's the hardest person to buy for so I figured we'd just go shopping, she'd point something out and I'd buy it for her...with my pennies. LOL. No, I have enough to buy a gift. I just texted Younger Brother to see if we could get together Sunday afternoon to celebrate Mom at my house. My older brother and family moved to Phoenix, otherwise, they'd be planning all this stuff - not me. I tend to forget or not look ahead or wait til the day of....Not good planning. You'd think I'd be different about this kind of thing, but I'm not.

You'll be happy to hear I'm no longer threatening to smoke pot to quell my anxiety. I see the med-check lady next Thursday and I think I can hold off until then. However, if she doesn't make some serious changes, then I'm back to pot. lol. At least I don't want to drink, Praise the FSM.

Good news is, I'm now on the Iowa Health & Wellness Plan. I have no idea what that means because they haven't sent me any information, but when I went to get my low-dose-estrogen pills, they were free. FREE. I suspect my doctor's appointment will be covered as well. Weird. It all feels weird. I'm off food stamps because they think I have too much money, yet Iowa Health & Wellness know I'm living under the Federal Poverty Level (11,490 - well below) so they're helping me out. Odd. Wish they'd all get together and figure everything out at once, but that's asking too much. I spent two hours on the phone yesterday just to tell IA Health & Wellness that I now have a part-time job. Still well below FPL.  Two hours. Ridiculous. Nobody knew who I should call to tell. Well, can't I just tell you?!?

See, when you try to do the right thing, you're the one who gets screwed. It's no wonder people lie, cheat and steal. It's so much easier.

"Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything different." -Maxine

I survived the two days of work over the weekend. Saturday was the worst. My anxiety was out of control. I felt like I was going to vomit every two minutes. I just kept my arms wrapped around myself and everybody thought I was just cold. I took plenty of drugs, you'd think I'd be too doped up to feel anything. Not true. Instead, my ears just rang. 

Saturday, I had to deal with beer. Now, you all should remember that my favorite beer was Bud Light Lime. I don't even want to look at it let alone smell it. I don't want to smell any beer. I don't want to see any beer. I don't want it around me at all. 

Fortunately, I don't have a problem with selling beer to other people. That doesn't seem to be a trigger. However, when a patron comes to the counter with a 6 pack of Bud Light and the 6 pack has drops of beer from another can on top of it and it just reeks to high heaven of beer, that's another story. One of the beers in the cooler was leaking and I had to go find out which one. Nobody else was going to do it and I couldn't wait for the next person to arrive - it'd have been hours. 

I slowly waded my way back to the cooler and found the culprit. It was a 25 oz can of Budweiser that was cut open - probably from being slammed into the cooler. I had to get a rag, pull the can from the cooler, clean up the mess, and empty the rest of the can in the sink (instead of down my throat). THAT was difficult. 

But I did it. And I'd do it again. I don't want to drink. 

Though I did get home that day, pulled into my garage, closed the door while my car was still running (I always do this so I know I close the door) and then I just sat there....with the door closed and the car running.  I wondered how long it would take for me to fall off. 

I looked at Craig the other day, sitting in the drive-thru of the Burger King, and told him to tell me "everything will be ok" with tears in my eyes because so far, everything is not ok. Things are great with Craig and I feel great when I'm with him, but you know me - always the pessimist. Something's bound to go wrong. I'll push him away. He'll get suffocated by me. Something. Something. Something. And I'm having issues "down there" so that makes for difficult intimacy. Thus the doctor's appointment today that he's going to with me. A hand to hold. I'm sure it's nothing, but something has to change. And I'm still a tad bit depressed (obviously, if I consider sitting in my car in the garage to off myself). I'm on the verge of tears often and thankfully, because Craig's here, I keep them at bay. May not be so easy at the doctor's office today. 

If I were perfectly honest, I feel both good and bad at the exact same time. Tell me how that's possible. 

"Wake me when it's quittin' time!" -Maxine

The local gas station I work for is changing names, which also means they're changing registers, which means I have to relearn everything all over again. It took me 4 days to learn the old system. I get 1-2 hours with the new system before I'm left alone tomorrow & Sunday. 

Anxiety? You betcha! 

Hopefully it won't be as bad since I've already learned one system, this is just a simple change. Yeah right.

I still haven't figured out the Iowa Health & Wellness Plan and frankly, I've given up trying. I called them yesterday and told them how odd I thought it was that they'd send me new cards without any information to go along with them, such as what's my copayment (nothing), what's my % of doctor's fees, lab fees, etc (nothing), what does it cover (I have no idea).  Does it cover my birth control because that's pretty much all I go to the doctor for. It covers my mental health which is fabulous, but does it cover prescriptions and how much? All of it? A % of it? What? 

Ridiculous.

The woman said something should be mailed out later this month. 

Well, that's helpful.

It's frustrating and anxiety-causing all at once. What if I go to use this card and I don't pay a thing, but 12 months from now they want their money back? That's what I think's going to happen. Because trust me, there are plenty of reasons I could go to the doctor - I just choose not to because it's so expensive. I'm still hesitant to go to the doctor because I honestly think Iowa's going to want their money back. No way in hell do I pay nothing for a year and there not be any consequences. I don't buy it. Not for a minute.  

But it's better than paying almost $400/month for insurance.

I have no desire to drink or even smoke pot (though I still think it's a better idea than all these meds). Yesterday I picked up free meds from the Center. I have a bag full. I take so many pills in the morning, it's ridiculous. And now that I'm at the max of one drug, what happens when it stops working....because you know it inevitably will. It has all the other times we've increased it. Why wouldn't it now? Stupid. 

I'm in a decent place and I have no idea if it's because I'm working or if it's because of the meds or if it's because I'm seeing someone new or if it's just that time of month and I feel good but will feel like shit next week. Who knows? I'm just going to enjoy the good times while they're here, right? 

"You won't hear any swearing out of me this year! I've gotten pretty good at keeping it under my breath." -Maxine

I received new health insurance cards in the mail the other day. They were for the Iowa Health & Wellness Plan administered by Medicaid. I was so excited. Except that's all they sent me. Cards. No information whatsoever. So I spent hours on the phone yesterday trying to figure it all out and I still have not. I know I pay no copay or premiums the first year. I know my mental health center is in the network. I was also told I could go anywhere. Hmmmm. I'm sure my doctor is in the network since there are only so many doctors in the area.

I cancelled my Blue Cross/ Blue Shield insurance. It made me very nervous to do so, but even if this Iowa Plan doesn't work out, why am I paying $388.00/month for no coverage? The whole thing is ridiculous.

Food stamps have told me I'm getting nothing from them starting February 1st. WTF? I get on the Iowa Plan and food stamps cancels me. Nothing makes any sense. So I sent them a letter stating my parents are no longer financially assisting me and I need the state's assistance. Again. Ridiculous.

But none of that can dampen a new found relationship; or whatever it is.

However, I'm getting a little lax in my housework. I haven't cleaned since the open house. I should really do something. I've had this plan all week to clean Elvis' litter box and I still haven't done it. That's it. It's getting done this morning. At least I'll feel as if I've accomplished something other than drinking coffee, which is no accomplishment at all.

The meds seem to be working ok.....for now, yet again. There's always a "for now". What happens now that I've reached the max of Wellbutrin? *eye roll* At least I'm still getting those for free from the Center. I have to pick those up this morning....on my way to have lunch with my niece, Zoe, who's back from the Air Force. I have a good day planned - clean litter box, pick up meds, lunch with Zoe, nap,  hang out with friend later.

It's going to be a good day regardless of how long I have to spend on the phone trying to figure shit out that I shouldn't have to. LOL

"I came back from vacation and found my work right where I left it...on a coworker's desk." -Maxine

I had a mini-panic attack today - well, actually 2. One was about work - every time I think about it, I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. The other was about driving tonight to a friend's house. I'm petrified. He lives on a gravel road. I've never been there before. I can't even visualize it. Panic Attack.

Ah-ha - Google Maps!

What a wonderful tool Google Maps is. I found his house (farm house) and now feel much better about driving, though I'm still worried about gravel and the dark and animals and finding my way home in the dark. I'm such a wuss.

And the anxiety about work - I can't explain it. I'm anxious about making mistakes. I'm anxious about not knowing what to do. I'm anxious about emptying the damn garbage, for pity's sake. I'm just anxious about all of it - every aspect of it.

But at least I don't want to drink over it. I just want my meds right or I want me some pot. LOL

I'll run out of my Wellbutrin by Tuesday next week. I have to get in touch with the nurse at the clinic to see if she can get me more samples or if I need the doctor to call in a 'scrip. I don't have many days to get this done and get my meds. So I called today - they were all out of the office. All of them. Every single one of them. Geezy lou. I suppose if there's a crisis, there's always the hospital, but what if it's just a mini-crisis and the hospital isn't necessary and all you need is one of them? I guess you're just SOL.

Luckily, I'm o.k.

But am I o.k. because I'm not working this week until the weekend, so there's less anxiety there? Am I ok because I've met someone and am smitten? Or am I ok because of the med increase? Who's to say. I suppose we'll find out this weekend at work or if "smitten-man" does something stupid. lol.

Can I just say....I'm a very impatient person. I don't think I ever realized that about myself until recently. I hate waiting. Who doesn't, though, right? Like now. I'm waiting for "smitten-man" to get off work and call me and tell me what time I should come over. I want to go over right now, but I know that won't happen. He has things to do before I can get over there and so do I, frankly, but I'd like a time frame. I need a plan. And I'm impatient when there isn't one. It's not a good trait to have. I'm working on it. I try to stay busy with other things. Dad stopped over for a visit for an hour so that helped. I blogged for almost an hour (& Google Mapped & Mapquested). And now I expect to hear from him any minute.

I hate staring at the phone, waiting for that call to prove I'm not alone. Hate it.

But I'm smitten with this particular man so I'll try my best to be more patient and not in such a rush.

God I could use a drink.

Did I just say that? I don't mean it, of course, but boy wouldn't it help? We (He & I) chatted about that last night - how inhibited we are sober. I told him this entire thing is a first for me....sober....so it's as if I'm doing all this for the first time again....at age 38. Ridiculous. He understood. He's very understanding. I think I scare him. lol.

He's the only thing that's been put in my 2014 Bucket of Bliss....so far. We'll see what else the year brings.

"Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything different." -Maxine

Day 3 of the increased meds. I can't tell if there's a difference or not. I can say, right at this moment, I don't want to go out to my garage, start my car and let the fumes take me away. Right at this moment. Elvis' meowing might drive me to it, though.

I didn't feel as anxious yesterday. I still felt anxious - all day - but less so. I stayed up later than usual. We celebrated my niece's return after I got off work and then I invited the elementary school friend over to watch a movie and he actually agreed. See? Not all men are idiots. It's ok to just visit and visit we did. It was so nice. He left around 10 and then I was on-line with another friend until 11:30. I finally got too cold to sit at my computer and went to bed with my Kindle. Sounds dirty, doesn't it? It wasn't, you fools. Get your minds out of the gutter. So I went to bed around 11:30 and woke up only 4 or 5 times in the night. Only. Shit. That's about normal. No difference there.

I'm surprised I had the energy for yesterday & last night. Work all day; celebrate with family; movie with friend; chatting with friend. Lots of energy I usually don't have. So maybe those particular drugs are working. However, I still feel a slight twinge of anxiety over everything and what I "need" to do today isn't probably going to get done (sorting Christmas decorations & reboxing them).

Last night I worried about choking on those hard peppermint candies. That's what I worried about. That and whether or not someone would catch on fire at work while I was there and what I would do. That seems a more important worry, but ya know, I was more stuck on the peppermint candies & choking to death.

I'm glad I don't have to go anywhere today - unless my med check lady says to get in right away, which I don't see happening. If anything I'll have to wait a day or two to get meds from this system in Iowa. Whatever's left over from jails, prisons, hospitals, etc is divvied up among the clinics. How nice, eh? So I've been getting the Wellbutrin for free. Not sure how long that'll last. I do need to pick up samples of Abilify, but again, that can wait until tomorrow or Wednesday, when the wind chill isn't -35 degrees. That's just abnormal. I don't want my car out in that weather. Hell, let's face it. I don't want it out in any weather.

I don't know what I'm going to do when I have to go back to a real full time job. I think I may go insane.

"Goin to work would be easier if I stayed in bed for a living." -Maxine

I got a call back from my med-check woman. I think sobbing into her voicemail that my anxiety was out of control, I was depressed and having suicidal ideations got her off her ass to call me back.

Here's her solution:  Up my meds. So now I'm taking 450mg of Wellbutrin (the max); 10 mg of Abilify and a total of 3 mg of Klonipin each day. I think the Klonipin could certainly go up more, but do you know how expensive all of this is???  Abilify alone is ridiculous, though she's giving me samples to start. Well, that's handy for a week or two, but what happens after that? It takes a month to get them from Canada - and thank god for Canada by the way. Love you, Oh Canada! Wellbutrin is around $80 per bottle and probably more if it's 450 mg and the Klonipin, well that I can afford. The actual narcotic that could be sold on the street is the most reasonably priced drug. Go figure.

I'm not holding out much hope that any of this is going to make a bit of difference. It didn't today. I was still anxious as hell all day long at work and even after work, just thinking about tomorrow's work day. Ugh. I constantly feel like I'm going to vomit. Thank goodness I don't. Though last night in bed, that was all I could think about. Mom told me that people around town are getting the stomach bug and it comes on FAST. So I envisioned it happening to me at work. I'd kick everybody out of the bathroom and have someone from McDonald's call my manager. See? I already have a plan. This is what I thought about most of the night. Ridiculous.

I have issues - obviously.

When I'm like this, I feel like I can't make it in this life. Let's move on to the other where I don't exist. No consciousness. No bills. No jobs. No responsibilities. No sadness. No loneliness. No worry. No anger. None of the shit that weighs on me. Gone. It'd just be gone *poof* just like me. Wouldn't it be so much better for me & others? I have this fantasy, I've probably told you already, that my body is riddled with cancer and I only have 6 months left to live; only I don't know it so I just keep doing the same shit I'm doing now. I think it'd be better to know so I could stop worrying and just live life. I wish I could convince myself of that (stop worrying & just live life) without needing the death part in there, too.

At least today I didn't really think about offing myself. At least today I didn't cry (yet). At least today I have a better attitude about "stringing-me-along-man" (I'm over him). At least today I chatted with some really good people. At least today, I know I am loved.

At least today........

"To err is human. To forgive is divine. In other words, the forgiving part is someone else's job." -Maxine

I'm having a tough time doing anything. I do bathe, so you all should be thankful for that. But that's about the extent of my days off.

I'm waiting for my coffee to brew. Can't believe I didn't have it ready this morning. Now I have to wait. Maybe once I get it, I'll get motivated to do something.

I'd like to re-box all my Christmas decorations. I didn't have enough boxes so they're all stuffed in the boxes I had with the lids open. Not good since they'll be sitting upstairs for a year, collecting dust. I don't like to dust. I have plenty of boxes in the basement; it's just a matter of going downstairs to get them, then taking them upstairs, then reboxing everything. It seems like so much work. lol.

I'd say I've hit a downward slide.

Where's that damn coffee?

It's cold & windy out this morning. I know because I took my garbage out. I don't want to go anywhere. It's too cold & windy. I just want to wrap myself in my electric blanket and nap. Only I did that yesterday and you & I both know, 2 days in a row of that is B-A-D for me.

Coffee! I'd guzzle it but it's too hot. I'd like an intravenous tube, please.

I'm staying in bed later. It isn't that I'm actually sleeping. I still wake up at 3:30/4:00 but I force myself to stay in bed until 6 or so. I'm not working out in the mornings. It's like I've forgotten how to do that. No, that's not it. I've just gotten lax. I'm not so "into it" as I was. I think WinterShred ruined it for me. I was perfectly happy doing my two Pilates exercises every morning. Now I feel like that's not enough and I need to "up the ante" and do more. Ugh. I don't want to do more. I don't want to do either.

On a positive note, my Kindle is working - well sort of. I did get books & music transferred over so I'm thrilled about that, but I'm still having trouble with the wireless. It tells me it's out just about every time I open it up to go to email or wherever then I find it and it's fine. Not that big of a deal but I don't understand why it goes away in the first place. Too many other wireless connections around me? Who knows...I'm just happy I've got books and music.

I feel anxious. I feel sad. I feel like I did months ago. Having trouble getting into motion; eating; doing anything. Why don't I feel better? It makes me angry, but mostly sad. And I'm sick of it. We used to joke at the church:

ARE YOU SICK & TIRED OF BEING SICK & TIRED?!?!?!

This guy screamed it once into the microphone to the entire congregation. It was hilarious....but true. I am sick & tired of being sick & tired. I just want to be better and I don't know how to do that without drugs. And the drugs don't seem to be doing much of anything. Ah hell. Maybe this is just my life, what it is. I just have to buck up, camper, and get moving.

Yeah, I think I'll move to the couch.

"I made hundreds of resolutions this year. I figure one or two will stick just by sheer chance!" -Maxine

If I could have smoked pot all day today, I think I would have.

I sort of feel like I did because I've had the munchies all day. LOL

I feel as if I've done nothing all day long but sit in my recliner, under my electric throw, and watch 10 hours of Law & Order: SVU. All episodes I've seen 100 times already, too.  BUT, I did return a book to the library, mail a Netflix movie, pick up my own mail, and fax something to the Food Stamp people.  So I did accomplish a little something today. Oh! And I did bathe. Always important.

Every time I think of work, I get a wave of anxiety that flows over me; and not in a good way. Not in the flows-over-me-like-love kind of way. No. Flows over me like a ginormous wave from the ocean that includes sharks and stingrays and man-killing whales. I don't get it. Why the anxiety?

Mom wants to go to town tomorrow. I know it would do me good, but I just don't see the point. I can't buy anything, even though I'd really like to buy myself a nice, warm, fluffy robe I could wear around the house (like Hugh Heffner) over my "normal" clothes. I'm so freaking cold all the time and I hate to turn the heat up. I think that's why I go to bed so early. It's dark. It's cold. My bed is warm and comforting. It beckons to me. If I had a robe, maybe I'd be more likely to stay up later. :)

So, town tomorrow - I also don't want to go because it gives me anxiety, too, being around all those people. Plus, I think I'm just lazy. I'd rather just stay home and do nothing and think about work and get all anxious about it. Yeah, that's smart, right? I know I should go to town. I know it'd be good for me. I know it'd keep Mom company. At least I'd get out of the house for a little while.

*eye roll* I'm so.............much fun!  That wasn't what I was going to type but - positive thinking, remember! Make the voices LIKE you instead.

I'm going to use my other blog: http://highheeltothecrotch.blogspot.com to write about my escapades on OKCupid and Facebook in terms of men & dating. Since that's a blog about getting a high heel to the crotch, it seems fitting. This one, I'll try to keep to my angst, anxiety and addiction - the 3 A's.

God, I wish I had some pot. Just Kidding.........sort of .

"It's 2014! Let the new crap begin!" -Maxine

I saw this on Facebook and just had to share.

On another note, I figured out a way to make my toilet seat "seem" warm. Go outside and shovel snow in 8 degree temps. I don't think my ass has thawed out yet & my toilet seat actually feels balmy. LOL

"Happy New Year! May all your worries last as long as your resolutions." -Maxine

It's going to take me awhile to adjust to 2014. It doesn't feel like a new year. I work today and I'm sure I'll be in 2013 instead of 2014. Not that there's much difference, really.

I don't usually make resolutions. Maybe I should. I don't think they make any difference. They're just goals for the year. I always have goals. Such as 1. to get well 2. to find full time employment 3. to financially support myself. There. Done.

I went through my Bucket of Bliss yesterday afternoon (pre-evening, as I call it - 4:00pm - lol).  A lot happened that was good in 2013. I hope 2014 follows suit and is even better. Well, it has to be better if only I get on new medication and off this damn roller coaster called bi-polar. That alone would make 2014 better.

I get to work today (notice I said "get to" instead of "have to" - changing my thinking!) Everybody's either been sick or is sick. I don't want to get sick. *sigh* I have a feeling there's just no stopping that particular train.

It's supposed to snow this morning. Mom & I already have a plan that she's going to drive me to work. Yep, I can't drive myself in snow, but my mom can. *eye roll* I'm such a child. Nope. My anxiety is just out of control and I'd probably be shaking so bad driving that I'd shake myself into the ditch. So it's better for Mom to drive and gives her something to do. There. Took it from a negative to a semi-positive.

"The man" is still driving me bonkers. He's stringing me along, I feel like. He says he's been sick (ok, I believe that) but we were supposed to get together this week and it hasn't happened yet and I am not holding out hope that it will. Why did I get so sucked in to this particular man? I don't know if I'd even like him in person! That's why I want to hang out....to see. I just need to let it (him) go and that's difficult to do when he keeps sending me one-word-messages, like "Hello".  What? I can't just ignore that, can I? I have to respond! LOL. No, I can ignore it and I should. Will I? Probably not because I really am interested....I'm such a sucker. There's no turning that positive.

Coffee. Who wants coffee?  I do, I do!

OK now that that's done....

I spent an hour last night loading my music onto the Kindle. An hour. It didn't work. I spent another 1/2 hour loading books onto the Kindle. It didn't work. Wireless fails mid-sentence. Battery doesn't last. Can't get any music on there. Can't load any books. I was in a really good mood after that, so I went straight to bed. I know I must have done something wrong, but it looked like it was working. It should  have worked. The files were in the correct format. They were being copied onto the correct drive (Kindle). They should have been there when I disconnected. I don't know why they weren't and that's what's frustrating. I guess I'll have to figure out this damn thing they call "the cloud" and use that instead of trying to load on my own, which is ridiculous! I still have to put things in "the cloud" anyway and then onto the Kindle. How stupid. Why not cut out one step and just let me load what I want onto my Kindle? God how I love technology. I definitely have to be in the right mood to work on all that shit again. I don't see that happening anytime soon.  I'll be fine Facebooking for now.

I charged the Kindle all night last night - for, oh, I don't know, at least 9 hours - and the battery is still low. Not even 1/2 way charged. I must be doing something wrong there, too. I suppose I'll have to read the damn manual. *eye roll*

Isn't technology great? At least I still have my desktop.....for now!

I can tell ya, Maxine wouldn't have a desktop or a Kindle. She'd think they were both ridiculously useless. And she'd be right. I spend more time sitting at my computer (hunched over) and on the Kindle (when I can) than I do anything else....except sleeping. I sleep more than anything else I do. And everybody else is on their I-phones, trying to kill me while they're texting and driving. Or just flat out ignoring me because they would rather read a text they just can't wait to read. Like "LOL". Hilarious.  We're losing our humanity to technology. Trust me, this is not a good thing. It'll end in the annihilation of the world. We rely so much on technology that it'll either turn on us as in Terminator or we'll crash the system and be without electricity, as in Revolution.

Ah hell, what do I care?

Happy New Year Everyone!

May the rays of happiness

Shine on you always

And take you to greater heights

This New Year....and always!