“The good news is that even as we get older, guys still like looking at our boobs. The bad news is, they have to squat down first.”

I've felt really good the past few days. I went to work yesterday bounding with energy. Went to work. With Energy. Oxymoron, right?  I realized why. I haven't had any pain in 3 days (now)!  I've commented before how it boggles my mind how exhausting pain can be. It continues to confuse me but the past few days along with my (positive) attitude and behavior confirms it. I feel like I can do anything. I can conquer anything. For pity's sake, I exercised today after work!  It's hotter than Hades outside, I was sweating my fat-ass off, and my head hurts like hell from straining to use muscles I haven't used in months, but DAMN! It feels good to feel good.

The constant question is, how long will this last?

I don't care anymore because now I have pain killers. :)

Yes, I finally visited my doctor and have 2 consultations for further tests scheduled. I'm most gleeful about having pain killers on hand for when the pain hits. No more 5-hour-long-bouts-of-hell! Hopefully....because I haven't had a chance to test the pain pills because I haven't had any pain in 3 days.  Did I say that already?  Oh, sorry. It's just so freaking great!

“Gossip can be entertaining, occasionally I've heard the most fascinating things about myself I never knew.” Vanna Bonta

It's tough being an alcoholic. Or, it's just tough to be me.

I missed a couple of days of work this week due to a stomach ailment. I tend to think I'm a relatively healthy person, but when I think of all the ailments I have or have had, I start to think otherwise. Irregardless, I had to miss work. I spent two days in the bathroom. Not my idea of a good time, but it could have been worse. I could have been in an outhouse in 110 degree temperatures.

As an alcoholic, or maybe simply 'as me', I fret over whether or not people think I'm just staying home so I can drink.  Because a year ago, that's what I did. I drank almost every single time I was home (unless I was too hungover to drink). So I preempted any 'discussion' on this topic by asking a co-worker to bring me a 7-Up and 'have a look around'. Check my trash for empty beer cans! Check my fridge! Check under the bed for a vodka bottle! Hell, I even told him to check the dumpster on his way out because a true alcoholic would have already purged all the evidence.

Hence, the ridiculousness of my logic.

Quite rightly, the person thought I was being ridiculous.  The thought that I was drinking hadn't even crossed their minds.  I thought I was being perfectly rational, because that's exactly what I would think of another alcoholic who missed two days of work in a row. Not that they're legitimately ill. Noooooooo. They've boozing it up!  Any rational alcoholic would think this way.

Instead, all I did was put the thought into their minds.

Idiot.

I have exactly 2 weeks until my 1 year anniversary. I am not boozing it up. I had a legitimate stomach issue and the thought of drinking beer seriously did not even cross my mind. Actually, I'm pretty sure even the thought of it would have made me vomit...profusely.

"The Old Testament is responsible for more atheism, agnosticism, disbelief -- call it what you will -- than any book ever written; it has emptied more churches than all the counterattractions of cinema, motor bicycle and golf course." -A.A. Milne

Imagine a hypothetical church staff meeting (this absolutely did not happen) where two prominent staff members discussed the ridiculousness of *some* stories in the Bible.  "Jonah wasn't swallowed by a whale and then puked back up. Come on! That's ridiculous!" Read Jonah 1:17. Or how about Judges 19, the case where a man's wife is thrown to a pack of lunatic, raving men to assault & rape & leave for death only to have her own husband toss her on the back of a donkey, take home, and then cut into 12 pieces to be sent to all the territory of Isreal? Or how about a talking donkey? Strange enough for you? Read Numbers 22:24-35. Balaam doesn't find it the least bit odd that his donkey suddenly says, "What have I done to you, that you have struck me these three times?" Instead he simply replies, "Because you have made a fool of me!"  God killed more people in the Bible than Satan.  Think on that for a bit.

In my adult life, even as a professing Christian, I was not a believer in the Bible as the Word of God. I believed (and moreso now) that the Bible was written by a bunch of apocalyptic men who wanted to control those around them. This makes the transition to atheism much easier.

However, as Christians, how do you reconcile yourself, your beliefs and the Bible? If you believe the Bible is the Word of God, then you must believe it in its entirety.  You're unable to cherry-pick only the parts that jive with your own beliefs. It's the Word of God, for pity's sake! Who are you to choose which parts to keep and which parts to throw away? It's God's Word!

If you do cherry-pick, as many religious-moderates & religious-liberalists do, then you must believe the Bible is not the Word of God but simply stories written by men that offer some basis for......what, exactly? I don't get it. The Bible is not a good 'moral compass' by any means. (See Judges 19, as only one example) You shouldn't look to it as to how to live your life. For pity's sake, it says in 1 Corinthians 11:5, "but any woman who prays or prophesies with her head unveiled (re: short hair) disgraces her head-- it is one and the same thing as having her head shaved."  Hell, I'd be happy to shave my head if it was socially acceptable, but I don't want people to think I'm suffering from cancer. 

We are not born with an innate belief in God. It's learned, which is another topic altogether. If God created us, why didn't he create us to be born with the knowledge of him as our creator? But I digress....What I mean to say is, belief in God is learned. From where? The Bible is the foundational tool to learn about the Christian God.  If the Bible is the foundation for belief in God and if you cherry-pick what you want from it, then it surely can't be the Word of God, and how can you believe in God as God?

I suppose you can believe in some other god-- a supernatural being who created all of the cosmos, including earth and its inhabitants, and who listens to all your thoughts, prayers and concerns (but who doesn't answer), and is personally vested in your life. But that wouldn't be the Christian God, would it? Isn't it a basis of Christianity to believe the Holy Bible is the Word of God? Or at the very least, that Jesus existed and died for your sins? Well, the only proof of Jesus' existence comes from the Bible. If the Bible is no more than a bunch of stories, did Jesus really exist?

I, obviously, wasn't at the hypothetical staff meeting, though if I had been or if it had been real, I would have had a hey-day!  Could there be some potential atheists on hand? I'm smiling gleefully! 

"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people." ~Orson Welles

I believe I've reached the point of utter disgust....with myself.  I had the hope that once I stopped pounding down the beers, my buddha-belly would shrink-- fast.  It did, at first, then rebounded right back to buddha-belly with the consumption of Little Debbie's.

I replaced alcohol with sugar & fat.

It's no wonder. My body had been living on alcohol for a long time. It still craved it. Since I couldn't drink, I found something to replace it with.  And while Little Debbie treats aren't as harmful as alcohol, they're still not healthy.  Replacing one addiction with another isn't the smartest thing to do. 

I didn't even know it was happening.  Those Little Debbie's are evil.  Evil, I say!  They somehow sneak into my cart without my knowledge and I'm too embarassed at the check-out to say, "I didn't put those in there!" 

Yesterday, I decided I would stop all treats for 30 days and see what happened. I'd wager my waist-line would shrink back to normal and I would no longer look like I was 4 months pregnant. Not that there's anything wrong with that....unless you're not pregnant. 

I didn't make it.

I did o.k. at lunch time though it was incredibly difficult to not complete my meal with those damn Little Debbie cookies.  Supper, on the other hand, was another story. I was thrilled at my (small) progress and already feeling 'thinner', yet, I convinced myself "One treat isn't going to hurt. It's just one! Moderation is key. I shouldn't starve myself!" 

*eye roll*

Sound familiar?  It's the exact same damn thing I did with alcohol.  The only difference is, I don't feel such immense shame eating a Little Debbie cookie.  I don't have to sneak around to 3 different grocery stores to buy Little Debbie's.  I don't have to hide them as I'm carrying them into my apartment building.  I don't have to hide the wrappers & boxes in the trash. I'm certainly not in a sugar-hangover the next day, either.  (I do, however, have an incredible headache.)

Little Debbies could be my gateway drug.  If I can't conquer these damn things, what's to say I won't be drinking tomorrow?  What's to say if I did relapse, I'd ever be able to stop on my own?  I think we all know I have very little confidence in myself. If I relapsed, there's probably be no turning back.

In my mind, I have to beat Little Debbie into a pulp. Because if I can't beat her little ass, I sure as hell wouldn't be able to beat alcohol's. 

"I was raised to believe in god and now someone says they don't believe in god so I don't like it." -Emlyn Forsuh

Located at 72nd & Pacific Streets in Omaha.



So proud of the local Omaha Coalition of Reason and *mostly* satisfied with the response (with the exception of the title quote, which is generally the response I would expect from this God-fearing area of our great Nation).

The first news story I saw about the billboard was on KMTV3 and of course, they found several *Christians* not happy about the billboard.

Tell me. What's offensive about this? It isn't making a statement of, "Don't believe in God!" It isn't trying to deconvert Christians (god forbid). And so what if it was? How many Christian billboards have I seen around town, wanting me to believe in what they were selling? Plenty. How many anti-abortion billboards are up around the Nation? One is too many. Has anyone seen a billboard stating same-sex marriage is bad? It's a billboard spouting inequality for humans. Again, one is too many.

The billboard is simply stating, "Hey, if you don't believe in God, you're not alone and there's a group to support you" and I think that's an awesome thing to see!

Great effort is required to arrest decay and restore vigor. One must exercise proper deliberation, plan carefully before making a move, and be alert in guarding against relapse following a renaissance. -Horace

Relapse.

The thought of it scares the shit out of me because I know it's always right around the corner, lurking in the dark recesses of my mind, waiting for a moment of relaxation, boredom, instability, to leap at me and pour itself down my throat.

I can picture alcohol, in all its disgusting glory, laughing wildly, doing a little happy dance as I melt into a useless mess of oblivion.

Relapse.

Not a pretty picture.

I think we were all in tears this morning and somewhat frightened listening to a story of relapse. At least, I know I was.

Yet, as horrible as it is for the person going through it....and this is probably the type of person I feel the most empathy towards at any moment in my life (the rest of you can go screw yourselves, apparently. I have no empathy for anybody else)....as horrible as it is for him/her, it reminds the rest of us who are hanging on (maybe by a thread) just how horrible it truly is.

I can't say this with any kind of certainty, but I imagine a relapse on my part will be the end of Amy as you know her. *eye roll* I'm imagining some of you saying, "Yeah!  Can this Amy please end and a new one arrive? We'd like that!"  :)  You know, though, that it wouldn't be a better Amy. It'd probably be a dead one and, well...I'm just not ready for all this to end yet....even if some of you are hoping for that! 

Relapse.

It's my version of the religious hell.  And I want to stay as far away from it as I can.  Far, far, far, far away.  

I can't make this shit up.

First, my 11-month anniversary whizzed by without me even noticing. How does that happen?

Secondly, I wasn't sure which blog to post this on. I chose YA because I can rant about how ridiculously stupid *some* religious people are on here. So here goes.

Today at work, while walking to my printer, I glanced out the window and noticed a furry ball of something curled up in front of the building. I stared at it for what seemed like ages. It was the scroungy feral cat I've seen around the church for the last month or so. Hadn't seen it in awhile so had hoped it had wandered off somewhere to die. It hadn't. It wandered towards the church. I finally went outside, walked as close to it as I dared, and.....it just laid there. I stomped my feet and clapped my hands and may have even 'hooted' and it finally perked up. At least it wasn't dead. But, you know how feral cats are-- they should scamper away at the first sign of noise or people.  This one didn't.

I was on death-watch.

Again.

I stared at it all morning from my office window, thinking about it's impending death and burial. Thank goodness the custodian & I had just bought a new shovel. :) I pretty much had it dead & buried before lunchtime, even though it was still breathing.

I reminisced a lot about Chica and even teared up a few times. I considered giving it some water & food and then realized, "sometimes it's more humane to just let things die". Lois Lowry's "The Giver" comes to mind. If you haven't read it, do. Get it now. Go to Amazon.com & buy the damn thing. It'll take you two hours to read. Well worth it.

I checked on Carmalicious (yes I named it. yes that's always a bad idea) after lunch and she was still alive, breathing, if not kicking. An hour or so later, she was gone. No, she wasn't dead. She had left the building, so to speak.  I have no idea where she went off to but I hope it's far enough away that I don't have to bury her tomorrow morning.

So.  It was a rough day of cat-near-death-watching and then.....I read this shit.

Mormon sect bury kitten alive in concrete

Let me preface my rant by saying, I am somewhat skeptical about the validity of this story, though I did find it also posted on the Huffington Post and we all know they're a legitimate news site. Regardless of my skepticism, I'm leaning towards, "Yep, I could see that happening".

These fucking fundamentalist loonies tortured a small, defenseless kitten to threaten a member of their sect who had deconverted. What? Like that's going to make him change his mind?  "Oh, o.k. I see your point now. You're right. The FDLS seems like a sane place to be. Sure! I'll come back!"  Or, what? They're pissed off he left? So what? Who cares? Ohhhhhh, I get it. They don't like that he's a critic of their cult.  Why is it that religion, and especially crazy-cult-religion, is "off limits" from criticism? What gives religion the right to be above that? Can't hack it? Got nothing to back you up? Your beliefs are so fragile that you're concerned any criticism might reveal the truth and set other members racing away from the cult of your church?

Bullshit.

Men (& women) who do shit like this are pansy ass cowards and everything (EVERYTHING) they do is based on fear. I cannot comprehend how a person can do harm to another being, especially one with no voice. I get violence. I get it. Sometimes I want to 'do' a little violence myself. But never to an animal. Never. People, however, eh-- that's another story. I'd like to get my hands on those freaking people.

You know what 'they' say....it's a short leap from torturing animals to torturing humans. Every single person who is part of this cult better be on their best behavior. Otherwise, they could be next, right? That isn't a threat from me. Puh-leeeze. I talk a big game but that's all it is...talk. No, they better watch out for their own cult-leaders who seem to think threats and violence will get people in line. 

The other thing that slays me? It seems the city officials of Colorado City are also under the spell of the FDLS. "The officer.....said that if it was up to him, he'd just throw dirt on [the cat]".  WTF? An officer of the law said this?

Where the hell do these people live?  So I can absolutely avoid this religiously-immoral-corrupt shit hole.