I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

I think being anxious, stressed, a bit depressed and angry on a daily basis for too, too long, has allowed me to more easily embrace a good day.  It's the little things that usually make me happiest.

A day off from work.
Waking up early (grumble, grumble)
Hitting Walmart before the crazies do.
Filling my fridge with groceries & soda.
Finishing laundry
AND BUYING A NEW T.V.!

Damn that Walmart for sucking me in with their low, low prices.  It was a bargain I just couldn't pass up. However, I really needed groceries. I was down to soup. Soup in 100 degree weather doesn't even taste good. Why is that? I can drink scalding hot coffee all day long, but eat soup? Yuck. So my car was loaded with groceries but I still wanted that damn t.v.  My car is the size of a gnat's ass so filling it with groceries was all I could do.  I knew that, so I did not buy the t.v.....right away.  I thought I'd be smart, find out how long it would be that price, go home, research the name-brand, quality, etc, then come back another day & buy it. 

Nope, didn't happen.

It was definitely an impulse buy and they had me as soon as I saw the bargain. Damn that Walmart.

I had to call a friend to meet me @ Walmart, put the t.v. in his truck, and deliver it to my home.  I owe this friend, big time. Lunch for a week! 

It's hooked up & working beautifully. The 'old' t.v. is also hooked up in my bedroom. I'm now anxiously waiting for Elvis to try to jump onto the t.v. cabinet, thus knocking over the new t.v. That will be my day. Eagle-eye-Amy watching acrobatic-Elvis.

A new t.v. might not seem like a simple thing...but this will.  Dale has a problem, still...and more than one.  I put newspaper under the litter box to catch excess litter from their little paws. Dale likes to shred the newspaper. Wakes me up multiple times a night, playing with the newspaper. Bitch. And Gross, right?  So I bought a plastic boot tray at Walmart to take the place of the newspaper.  I also had to buy a new rug for the bathroom because Dale likes to play with the old rug which didn't have the rubber matting on the bottom anymore (old) so it would 'slide' across the floor....into the newspaper.  This was driving me crazy so the old rug & newspaper are gone and.....I'm sure she'll find something else to destroy/ruin. 

Those simple, little things and everything working on just right and being in a good mood have all made for a good morning...but this was the best news yet.

Thursday's are my day to write my letter/card to my niece, who's in basic training for the Air Force.  I was getting ready to sit down to do just that and thought, "She's been gone a long time...when does she graduate?"  Luckily, I texted my brother and SHE'S GRADUATING RIGHT NOW! He's in Texas with her, watching her graduate. I'm so happy for her & proud of her....I still get to send her cards since she'll be in Texas for awhile, attending school.  Glad about that because I just bought new cards. While Walmart can cut prices on televisions, they don't seem able to do that with cards. Bastards.

Brother Chris & his daughter, Zoe

So, simple things=happiness? You betcha.  A shiny, big, new t.v. doesn't hurt either.

"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it." -W. Somerset Maugham

I'd like to find the person who first said, "When it rains, it pours" and shoot them in the foot because I'm sure if they hadn't ever coined that phrase, it really wouldn't pour when it rains.  Yet, that's where I've found myself.....I was going to say the past few weeks, but let's face it. My whole life has been a "when it rains, it pours" kind of life. Isn't everyone's?  However, the past few weeks have been exceptionally stressful and I don't see any light at the end of this tunnel.

It's pitiful to bitch about such insignificant life experiences after attending a funeral. My aunt passed away last week after a long battle with cancer. She lost. It sucks. I'm betting, eventually, it will kill all of us. Hell, I will be seriously disappointed if I don't at least get lung cancer.  What the hell do I smoke for? (re: sarcasm) My aunt was one of those rare truly good people. The funeral was well attended. My mother told me once, "nobody will attend your funeral".  I wonder, is that the point of life...to see how many people will come see me in death?  I don't think so.  And like I'll care, right? I'll (hopefully) be ashes at that point. No embalming, horrible makeup, bad hair, dressy clothes for me. Roll me into a ditch and set it on fire. I hate funerals.

I'm not a 'good' public crier. Is anyone, really?  I'm worse. If I let loose, I'll sob. Snot will roll down my chin. I'll shake uncontrollably.  It's not a pretty sight. I'm horribly uncomfortable at funerals.

"The purpose of a funeral service is to comfort the living. It is important at a funeral to display excessive grief. This will show others how kind-hearted and loving you are and their improved opinion of you will be very comforting." P. J. O'Rourke, Modern Manners, 1983

I try, desparately, to hold in my tears. It's not easy, but it would be worse to unleash the storm. I couldn't hold it in any longer, however, when my older brother gave me a hug at the cemetery. Bastard. I tried to deflect and told him, "Ben & I decided you have to handle mom and/or dad's funerals. We can't handle it...."  He laughed and said, "Thanks". 

That's what funerals make me do. I know I should be remembering the person who has passed, celebrating their life, comforting those who remain.  Oh no. Not me. Selfish Amy? Hellloooooooo!  I'm thinking about myself, how I would react if my mother passed away. I told Ben he might as well commit me to a rubber room for the rest of my life because I'm absolutely positive, I couldn't handle the death of any of my immediate family. Any of them.

I'm a horrible person.

On a somewhat brighter, wierder note....On the way South to the funeral, my brother & I passed a broken down, decrepit barn.  As we passed, I saw this:



Not the actual barn. Ben wouldn't stop for pictures...

 I'm fascinated by this. The Cat in Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland said this to Alice.  Her response was, "How do you know I'm mad?"  There's something....delightful?....about this to me. I can't quite explain it or  understand it myself, yet I keep picturing the barn and the quote in my mind's eye. It makes me smile.

I'll be picturing this a lot this afternoon. Work is incredibly stressful and even though I've popped 2 pain pills so far today, my lower abdomen is not helping the situation by rearing it's alien-ugly-head for the past two days. Could someone please tear open my body & take out what's hurting me? Please? I may even pay you. Or at least I'll stop bitching about this shit.

So, this afternoon, while I'm again, probably, struggling to hold in my goddam tears, I'll be picturing this beat-down barn and wondering about the person who spraypainted, "We're all mad here" and thinking, "Yes, Yes we are". 

"I pledge allegiance to the flag of THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA"

I don't know if this is 'for real' or not, but even still-- I've never been happier to be a Pepsi drinker.

(via r/atheism)

"It's your birthday; We're gonna party like it's your birthday" -- 50 Cent

Sorry for the crappy image. My tracfone was made in 1980.

IT'S MY ONE YEAR BIRTHDAY!

(actually 366 days since we had a Leap Year, but who's counting?) 

In some respects, it feels like just yesterday I was hungover, shaking sometimes uncontrollably, trying to get into a rehab facility ASAP. It feels like just yesterday I left my home to stay with my parents for 3 days until I could get into rehab. It all just feels like yesterday because I remember it all so clearly (or at least I think I do. Who knows what my alcohol-addled brain was really processing?)

On the other hand, it feels exactly like a year has passed. A year of tears, fear (Tears for Fears? No, thank you), courage, endurance, perseverance, more tears, happiness, and peace.

The majority of AA folks would thank their higher power for their sobriety. Screw that, bitches! I take credit where credit is due. I worked hard. I asked for help. I did everything I needed to do in order to stay sober. My hand was held on numerous occasions, but not by some nobody-in-the-sky; by real family & friends and for that, I say THANK YOU.

I credit my AA groups for a lot-- mostly my disbelief in God-- which I'm sure they find humorous, but they've seriously helped me more than anything or anybody else this past year. I hope they can stick with me as long as I stick with them.

My road isn't over. It's never over. I can't relax. But at least now I know I can do it; I know what it's like to be beat-down and I know what it's like to really feel good. I'd rather feel good!

Thanks, everyone, for not bailing on me, for your support, for your care, for your love, for your humor & wit, and just being 'there' when I needed you most! I'm looking forward to Year 2 of sobriety!!!

"We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart." -- H. L. Mencken

Day 2 of the Midwest Freethought Conference was just as fantastic, though my "irrational introvert" kicked in and all I wanted was to GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ALL THOSE PEOPLE! It was quite a comical experience for my friend, Tim.  Or horrific, I'm not sure.

He & I both said on Day 1 that maybe more people would pay attention to atheists if they had a makeover. Yes, cut your shaggy hair, shave, stop dropping the F-bomb, bathe, or simply wash your hair and maybe folks would pay more intellectual attention to your arguments.  All of the speakers were dressed appropriately, though two or three of them certainly didn't speak appropriately.  I don't know if they think that since, or because, they're atheists, they can suddenly drop the F-bomb every other word and that it makes them cool.  It doesn't. And you know me. I can drop the F-bomb like no other, but I certainly don't do it in a professional atmosphere. I know this all seems rather petty or judgmental, but what are we told about job interviews? Put your best foot forward. Impressions are made within the first 30 seconds or less. Looks matter, sadly, but they do.

Day 2 was the most frustrating thing for me. We changed locations and were in a stadium-seating room with one exit. ONE. And what's the first thing Omaha CoR did? Put their table right in front of the only stairs leading to the damn door. If there had been a fire, I'd have knocked the woman's ass over who was sitting there. She'd have been trampled. I also seemed to be surrounded by the weirdest, rudest folks, such as the idiots sitting behind us who talked to each other during each presentation; who I glared at 2 or 3 times and then they finally shut up. Or the dude in front of me with hair like Crystal Gayle which he kept fluffing over my feet. Gross! And do people not know how to make a proper line to pick up our food? Or open a second door to enter the room instead of standing there, blocking traffic? JUST GET OUT OF MY WAY! I'LL SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE!

As you can see, I was definitely sick of people by Day 2 and that should absolutely be no reflection on the speakers, organizers or attendees.  As I said, this was my "IRRATIONAL introvert" kicking in.

On to the good parts of Day 2. 

Dan Barker, author of Godless, Losing Faith in Faith, and The Good Atheist!!!!!!  He has an incredibly interesting story (served as a pastor for 19 years; left the faith in 1980's) and tells it all very well in Godless. He is the current co-president of the Freedom From Religion Foundation, which is fiercely dedicated to the separation of church and state. The man is a wealth of information.....but all I wanted was an actual, physical copy of Godless and whatever else he was selling. I'm such a sucker. As soon as I knew he was winding down his speech, I had my purse slung over my arm, cash in hand, and was ready to book it down the stairs to be the first person to reach him. I was. I purchased both Godless and The Good Atheist, which he happily, if not grudgingly signed. ("Oh, you also want me to sign the second book 'to Amy'? That seems weird." Yes, I don't care.)

We then saw a media presentation of various video clips and images while we were eating our boxed lunch (see above for how stressful it was just to get our boxed lunch!) If you've never heard of Cristina Rad, I highly suggest you watch one of her videos. She's from Romania, so her accent is awesome; she's intelligent; and most importantly, hilarious.  Check her out.

Next was another panel discussion featuring the speakers from Day 1, including another gentleman who never introduced himself so I can't tell you who he was. (Idiots! Anybody with a microphone should FIRST and FOREMOST introduce themselves!)  The panelists I did know were PZ Myers, Brian Dunning, Hemant Mehta, and Sarah Morehead from Recovering from Religion. I believe the title quote is how PZ Myers of Pharyngula thinks. He tends to be of the philosophy: disrespect is a good thing!  He once desecrated a eucharist host (the actual body of Christ). It became known as 'waftergate'.  Hell, my pastor blesses & uses Wheat Thins so I don't see the big deal. I don't, however, agree with PZ's tactics. If atheists goal is to abuse, ridicule, make-fun-of, put-down, religious folk, then go with PZ's tactics. If the goal is to deconvert christians and bring them into reality, or simply to co-exist, then this tactic is not going to work.  You get more flies with honey than with vinegar. BUT, do we want those flies?

It's incredibly difficult for me not to *facepalm* myself every time I hear how much God has helped someone. God didn't help you. You helped yourself. Good for you! Take some damn credit! Or to not roll my eyes when someone says, "I'll pray for you".  Guess what? Nothing fails like prayer. If you want to do something for me, go away. My other response is, "How's that workin' for ya?"  See, I can be disrespectful too except that I'm not saying, "Fuck off. I don't need you" as PZ apparently does.

The panel was good, except I distracted myself almost the entire time due to my inability to be tolerant of those around me. It was just better for me to write than to pay attention.  I was pretty much done, down for the count, at this point. Tim & I stuck around for the first half of the last speaker's presentation, but as I said, I was done. I think I spent that time pondering a new Twitter name for my anonymous-atheist-self.

All-in-all, it was an excellent 2-day conference (I'm not sure I would have survived any longer...) and I got to meet some really fabulous writers and speakers. I'm looking forward to becoming more involved in a couple of groups and to next year's conference. 

"Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children." ~Sam Levenson

It can certainly be said that I've put more than one gray hair on my parent's heads. I think my mom turned totally gray (though no one would have ever known- thank you L'Oreal) when I hit puberty and dad shortly thereafter. No disagreement from me that I was a difficult child/teenager/adult. Hell, I'm still difficult and I'm middle aged!  The difference is, I'm now an adult and responsible for my own bullshit & douchebaggery.

However, a child never loses the desire to please her parents; to make them proud; to get their (positive)attention; to just, simply, not fuck up.

Dammit, the all-consuming-need for me to feel the love of my parents and then to really feel it makes me cry. Now. While I'm typing this. I can tell, just as when I was a child, I'm worn out from all the excitment this past weekend and seriously need 24 hours sleep.  My mother hated it when I stayed overnight at a friend's house because I'd be a teeny-tiny-temper-tantrumed-bitch the next day who she'd have to *lovingly* put up with.

I've lowered my expectations when it comes to my parents. I know who I am. I know I'm the neediest bitch on the planet. I need to be told "I love you" every single day and I still won't believe it. I need to know, constantly, that someone (anyone, really) cares that I exist. So, the amount of pressure that puts on someone (those who created this disaster- me) is understandably overwhelming and the level of need is understandably never met. Rather than feel disappointment at the lack of "meeting MY needs", I've learned to lower my own expectations regarding the response to MY needs.  It's the only way I knew how to deal with this. Trust me, I know how ridiculous all this sounds. I'm fucked up. Get over it.

Yeah, my one year anniversary is Wednesday and while today is only Monday, I'd forgotten it was coming up.  Did I say I'm tired after this weekend? I am. I'll blog about that later. This is more urgent. I'd forgotten. I'm sure I would have remembered the next time I looked at a calendar (if my eyes were open) but this morning, while I was checking my email, I'd forgotten. 

Until I saw this.....

TWO days!  I didn't forget - well, actually I did forget to get you a card but I DIDN'T FORGET!!  I'm so proud of you!  You have been so strong - I admire you - Love, Love, Love Mom

And promptly started sobbing in front of my custodian at work (because I'm incredibly rude as well as selfish and was checking email while listening to him).

I underestimate my parents ability to put up with my shit. And I'm glad I made them proud.

"And the heat! My god, the heat!" -Elaine, Seinfeld episode The Burning

I recalled something this morning from yesterday's conference and realized, "There's a Seinfeld episode for that!" There's a Seinfeld episode for everything in life and that's why I love it so much.

During the theist/atheist panel discussion, one attendee asked the local pastor what he thought of "street-corner atheists", those darn atheists who are trying to deconvert christians; AND how he would relate to one.

His response was, "It doesn't really concern me". 

My head whipped around to Tim so fast I was worried I caused whiplash. I burned daggers into Tim's head until he slowly turned to look at me, not without a bit of fear in his eyes. I wrote out to him, "But the Bible says............"  Actually, I believe the Bible says someone like me is going to burn in eternal hell-fire, so.....exactly how reliable is this book?

Check out the Seinfeld episode where Elaine finds out her boyfriend, Puddy, believes in God. It's hilarious. If the video doesn't work, go to YouTube.

The Bible actually says christians shouldn't expend too much energy on the unwilling non-believer (the dogs) (Matthew 7:6). Please don't waste yours. Actually, I think the men who wrote the Bible were worried that speaking to someone like me may lessen a christians faith and stray them from the path of God.

"It is the absolutism of theism, its pernicious influence upon humanity, its paralyzing effect upon thought and action, which Atheism is fighting with all its power." -EMMA GOLDMAN, Mother Earth, Feb. 1916

I've just completed day one of the Midwest Freethought Conference. It's been a full day listening and speaking to amazing atheists: blogger PZ Myers of Pharyngula, Amanda Kneif of American Atheists, Brian Dunning of Skeptoid, Jerry DeWitt of Recovering from Religion, A.J. Johnson of American Atheists, and my favorite blogger, Hemant Mehta of Friendly Atheist.

As soon as I found out about the conference, I wanted to go. Bad. Yet..........HELL-OOO-OO! I work for a church! I'd have to ask for Sunday off from work(church) in order to attend a freethought conference. (Day 2 includes Dan Barker, author of the first heathen book I read, Godless. I will not miss that!)  I, obviously, sucked it up and asked for the day off without giving away too much information.  Nor was I asked for more information (except from my co-worker friend who's 'in the know' & supportive).  Whew!

I asked my only-known-atheist-friend, Tim, to go with me. This wasn't something I could do on my own and needed friendly support. Even though he had to work all night Friday and just got off work @ 8:00AM this morning, he stuck with me all day long. I think I yawned more during the day than he did, though, I'm sure he promptly crashed as soon as he got home. Can't thank you enough, Tim!

The one major take-away from today, for me, was that I'm not alone in my inability to 'come out' as an atheist. I have a difficult time believing any other organization would persecute its employees more than a church, though.  It simply shattered my illusion that no longer working at the church will free me to be me. That may not be the case. No matter if I get another job or not, I may still be 'in the closet' in some sense. That's disturbing to me. How can a person be persecuted for a disbelief? (rhetorical question).

My two favorite speakers were, of course, Hemant and surprisingly Jerry DeWitt.  DeWitt was on a panel with a local pastor and a christian science journalist. It was the most frustrating part of the day, but I give mad-respect to the local pastor for participating and simply attempting to speak his side with a roomful of atheists. Yeah, good luck with that.  There was one person in the crowd who demanded the pastor explain, "Where has God been?"  I turned to Tim and said, "But there is no God, so why is she asking where He's been?"  Stupid.  It was obvious this woman wanted nothing more than to believe God exists and was disappointed/angry/resentful/insert-negative-adjective-here at Him.  At that point, after an incredibly lengthy back & forth regarding this topic, Tim & I went out for a smoke. 

There's no reasoning with unreasonable people.  "Can I get a Dar-win?" --Jerry DeWitt

I can't imagine knowing what I know now and trying minute-by-minute, day-by-day, to reconcile that with christian belief.  It gets exhausting. I know. So it boggles my mind to listen to a pastor speak his/her belief.  The two christians were asked, "How do you know your religion is right?"  The basic response was, "I know".  Gee, thanks for that (non)answer. However, Jerry DeWitt, being an ex-Pentecostal-pastor spoke his honest truth from when he believed and said, "Obviously mine's the best, otherwise I'd be part of the other one and then it'd be the best!"

My thinking is, if you believe in an afterlife, shouldn't you pick the religion with the best heaven and believe wholeheartedly in that one? I'm thinking the religion with the best heaven probably has the worst hell, too, so even if you're wrong and, say, you believe wholeheartedly in the Islam heaven/hell but come to find out, Oops, the Christian religion was right all along...then at least you're not going to the Islam hell. 

I'm so glad I don't have to worry myself about all that anymore!  I know where I'm going. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.

Tim & I bailed on the dinner & after-hour drinks (duh, alcoholic over here) but I'm looking forward to a second day of reason & logic (no more science please; I'm not smart enough & it hurts my little brain).

*Add on*   Crap! I forgot to share my most exciting part of the day!  I got to meet & speak to Hemant Mehta, thank him for his blog and tell him how much it's helped me.  I had to explain a bit about why it's helped me and then he asked the question I was dreading...."So, what made you deconvert?"  I cannot tell a lie so I said, "Well, I'm a recovering alcoholic and it was actually AA that closed the deal for me. I had an epiphany while struggling with Step 3-- it's ok to not believe! It was like I had never considered the possibility of atheism-- that it wasn't even a possibility-- and then when faced with such an incredible personal struggle that entailed life & death, the immense weight of that forced me to face my disbelief. This is my life I'm talking about. There's no screwing around anymore. This shit is serious. And if it's that serious, I better start being honest with myself."  He was gracious enough to listen to me and act interested. I'll still be following his blog. 

I also got some great swag-- a grocery tote, which I'll never be able to use b/c I'll be afraid of running into church people while hauling my groceries out to the car; a t-shirt I'll only be able to wear at home for the same reason; a lanyard; a koozie; and a bumper sticker.....none of which I can enjoy outside my home, but I'm ok with that.....for now.