"I felt my lungs inflate with the onrush of scenery- air, mountains, trees, people. I thought, 'This is what it is to be happy.'"

What it is about the mountains that make my heart so happy? Is it because as a child we vacationed in Estes Park more than once? Is it because family I adore lives there and I have such damn good memories of being with them? Or is it simply because mountains are majestic and the air seems cleaner and everything seems more beautiful?

This isn't something I really need to ponder. Why ponder something good, right? Just let it be.

I spotted the mountains just outside of Brighton. Usually I see them sooner, but it was hazy and it wasn't like they had disappeared...they would appear. They always do. And I felt instant pleasure. My heart calmed. My anxiety left me. I smiled. And then my ass reminded me that I had been driving for 8 hours and to hurry it up!  And then I sat in traffic for an hour.

Ugh. I do not remember Denver being as totally congested whenever I visited before. Granted, it's been 17 years since I've ventured into Colorado, either because of my shame resulting from the DUI in 2000 or because it was illegal for me to drive in Colorado or because I just never had the time and didn't think I had the money.  It costs me gas. That's it. Gas. They feed me. They house me. Gas. If I can't scrounge up gas money, I didn't learn a damn thing as a teenager.

So, yeah, driving around Denver was no fun. I got lost (not really, but seemed to always take the wrong damn exit....why am I going East? I was just going West!)  But I managed and wherever I ended up, I was relaxed.

I went to visit Uncle Marvin & Aunt Julie and Cousin Kyle, whose family I've never met- Wife Kim, 2 year old Cole and 11 week old Mila.

I made Cole take a picture with me first thing to prove I'm not a monster when it comes to kids. They just make me uncomfortable. I don't know what to do with them. But Cole is just a little man. Seriously. I said to Kyle, "Is your 2 year old son a genius?" to which he replied, "I recognize every parent thinks that of their kid.."  But I actually think he's pretty damn smart. And so freaking adorable. I think I could've spent all day with him....if I were a different person. :)

Me & Cole!

Cole with the Iowa tractor I got him.

Mila

Uncle Marvin with Mila

I can't believe I had the energy to do this, but Tuesday I drove to Golden to visit with Julie (Marvin is daycare) and we walked to the Golden Hotel for lunch and then downtown Golden for a bit of shopping and then strolled the creek (which people tube down!) and hiked back to her place. I was dripping sweat, lol. 

Silhouette of Marvin & Julie- singing. Marvin had a band- Anything for a Buck Boys. Awesome

The "creek"

Kyle took me to dinner (where we ran into a couple he & Kim are friends with) and to a movie premiere Tuesday evening. He & Kim are friends with the producer, Greg Campbell, and so were invited to a private screening of "Hondros", a documentary about war photographer Christopher Hondros who was killed in action in Libya. It won an award at the Tribeca Film Festival.

Kyle & I in the photo booth before the premier

It was a good thing we took these pictures before the movie because we weren't feeling so jovial afterwards. It was very, very good and very, very sad.

Wednesday, I relaxed. I walked every morning (every morning...like I was there so long...2 days. I walked 2 days) and then Wednesday, I just slept. That drive just kills me and I'm raging square, which is odd because I was square last month, too and I've been going 4 months between this pleasant business so 2 months in a row is an anomaly at this point. Doesn't make me very happy to know that menopause isn't right around the corner like I'd hoped.

Wednesday evening, we all got together for dinner. Marvin smoked some chicken - damn, that was good and we sat down to eat a meal together. It was nice.

And then Thursday morning, I woke up early and started my drive at 7AM CST and arrived home just after 3PM CST. Made it in 8 hours, which is a feat on it's own, I'd say.  Of course, I drove like I was in the Indy 500 and didn't stop from Aurora on (I think I may have broken my bladder...).

Garfield was overjoyed to have me home.

"I have a boyfriend. Oh wait, no. That's a fridge. I have a fridge."

I don't even know where to start, dear reader. What day is it? July 18th. Okay, it's been 16 days since I've last posted anything new. My apologies, Tim. You seriously need to buy a new book if this is the best shit you're reading these days. 

I think I have so much to say and not the right words to say any of it that I'm stuck. I don't typically have this problem, do I? I'm pretty much a non-stop talker once you get to know me. I'll tell you whatever you want to know about me-- if I trust you. 

My therapist tells me I'm great at disclosing all my flaws and what I think is shitty about myself...but only because I do it to see if those I want in my life will turn away once they know the truth. Because if that's the case, I want you to run away now before I catch feelings. Most of the time, it's too late anyway, so why do I bother? 

She says I have a difficult time being vulnerable. WTF is vulnerability anyway and who says it's so damn important? 

vul·ner·a·bil·i·ty

noun: the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. 

What. The Fuck. Who the hell would want to expose themselves to the possibility of being attacked or harmed?!? Maybe I'm just smarter than other people by protecting myself. But then I'd, apparently, be missing out on something called life or love or relationships or friendships. So, fine. I'll work on it.

I wonder if my cats are the only beings I can truly love. Does that make it official? Am I finally the crazy cat lady society thinks us over-40-spinsters are? Because I only love.....cats? Jesus. But really, I think my cats (Chica, Elvis & now Garfield) constantly see me at my true worst, my most open, laying on the floor sobbing, singing unabashedly at the top of my lungs, laughing without fear, waking up looking like Wolverine who cried all night....and they don't care. Mostly because I'm their food source, but still. It's something to know that some being in my life....I was going to say "loves me", but I don't believe animals have the capacity to love, per se. We tend to project human feelings onto animals. It's something to know that some being in my life doesn't run away from me (unless she's just used the litter box, in which case, all bets are off) when I show my vulnerable side.

Is this why I'm an introvert? God, I hope not, because I sort of love being an introvert with extrovert tendencies.


Ok, let's catch up on the last 2 weeks, shall we? Get ready folks....here it comes.

I was sick on the 4th of July- 12AM - 3AM and still sick that day. It felt like razor blades were tearing me up from the inside. I had forgotten how god-awful that pain is. I won't quickly forget that again. So, I'm dropping sugar again and moderating my intake of carbs and have to say, I'm pretty damn good at it when there's pain involved. Maybe pain should play a bigger roll in my life.

My insurance finally approved my Clindamycin prescription. Assholes, thinking they know what works for me without even talking to me. Just because something hasn't been researched enough to know that it works for this, doesn't mean it doesn't. Too many negatives in that damn sentence. It's like saying, "But we've always done it this way!" So? That doesn't make it right.  So fuck you very much, United Healthcare. And also, thank you.

I applied to and got accepted to do transcription for Scribie.com.  I'm still on Transcribe Me, but every time I go there, they have no work. They say it's a very slow time for them. Funny, because Scribie has work every damn time I go. I like it better because Scribie allows me to choose which files I want to work on. I can preview them and choose accordingly. I've been promoted to Reviewer, which means I can transcribe a file and review the same file to make more money. I haven't tried it yet. I don't feel confident enough, yet, with following the transcription guidelines. I also just received an email from a fellow in the Big O who wondered if I would do legal transcription. It's only 30 hours a week and I haven't called him back, yet, but we'll see. I do love typing.

I was forced to play Monopoly with my youngest nephew last week. I lost. Took 3 days to play. I hate that game with every cell in my body.

I did get to see my older brother, Chris, with the whole family for a few hours, which was nice. Glad he didn't make me play Monopoly with him, too.  I think the only reason people like to play with me is because they know I hate it so much and don't really give a shit that I lose. I'm much better at Spoons.

Speaking of....I'm heading out to Colorado next week to spend some time with my Uncle Marvin, Aunt Julie and Cousin Kyle and his family who I've never met. I used to visit them a lot....but then I got a DUI while on vacation there and felt ashamed and embarrassed that I was such a fucktard and I'm pretty sure I couldn't legally drive in the state, so I haven't visited since 2000.  Seventeen years is too damn long. And I can legally drive in the state after paying them an additional $100.00 so there's that. I'm excited to go, dreading the over-8-hour drive, know I'm going to miss Garfield and my home and my peace & quiet...but I need this. I haven't taken an actual vacation in 17 years. Can that be right? I can't remember...I'm old now.

I found out my high-school ex was in town a few weeks ago staying at Shan's place (Shan is his sister-in-law). I joked with her to help me keep my vag in my pants because that thing is leading me around on a child-leash. But then I saw him at a funeral visitation and we hugged and damn if he didn't feel good and we started talking and...I'm starting to wonder if there's a course men take to smooth-talk? One I'm not aware of? I'm thinking so because he says the right things and behaves the right way and the whole time I think......yeah, but, so did Chris. Thus, I'm pretty sure there's some douchebag on-line instructor telling men what to do to win a woman's heart. He has a pervy mustache, wears leisure suits made out of polyester, winks a lot and thinks he's king shit. *eye roll* If only it were that easy.

I believe Ricky is genuine. I see not the boy I dated in high school who broke my heart (and I his, apparently), but the man he's become and I much prefer the man he is now. He's honest. He's open. He isn't embarrassed to show his feelings. He's proud of who he is now and so am I. I don't know why he thinks this, but he thinks I'm the one that got away and is looking forward to a second chance. I just want to put the past to bed (which is difficult for me to do) and focus on who we are today.  I asked him to read this blog - which was a big step for me because I haven't invited anybody new to read this thing in years....not even Shan- because I wanted him to know me, peer into my life and who I am now and see if he could handle it (see my therapist's point above).

So we each aired our dirty laundry and neither one of us ran away screaming. We spent the past weekend together and I didn't kill him. We still have a load of baggage to work through. Right now, it's a long distance relationship, which I hate, but maybe it's good too? It forces us to slow things down instead of rushing into something that might just kill me in the end. Let's face it - I was in a better place before Chris happened and I'm not back there yet. I'm not sure I ever will be. I feel like I opened myself up totally and completely for the first time in 20 years to someone I trusted wholly and it was all a lie. How can I ever trust myself again? Thank god for therapy.

I'm guarded....but hopeful.

"If pets could talk...."

I was just wondering, if Garfield could talk, what would she say?  She lays on my stomach, totally chill, with this look on her face like I'm the biggest dumbass she's ever laid her big beautiful eyes on, and I think all she'd say to me is this:

Funnily enough, that's exactly what I say to my dates...