"Life isn't fair...especially when I'm involved." -Maxine

When Dad's away, the mice will play! Dad's at the Presbyterian Pilgrimage so Mom & I went to see "Noah" yesterday. I think the biblical Noah story is just that...a story. It's nice (or not so) to think that a supreme being would love the Earth so much - not it's people, but the birds, bees, mammals, dirt, water, trees, etc-   as to wipe out all wickedness, i.e. people.  Don't you kind of wish that would happen now? I mean, how much more wicked do people need to get? Ahhh, but wasn't the rainbow god's promise to his people that he'd never wipe out the Earth again? How convenient.  *eye roll*

So the movie "Noah" follows the same premise but is certainly different than the story I remember from the Bible. I appreciated that. It made the movie more interesting but I did struggle a bit with the differences. It's hard to dismiss a story you've known almost your entire life and try to 'make fit' a different story. Ah well, at least I got out of the house and spent time with my mom. It was nice. 

And then I woke up this morning with pain under my left eye and puffiness. I feel like someone punched me in the eye but there's no bruise and I don't remember being in a fight, so that can't be it. I called Mom to find 

out what pink eye is and she said "It makes your eye pink".  Well, that makes sense. So I don't think it's pink eye but my first thought was, "This is what you get when you leave the house - sickness, disease and a puffy eye".  I go to CB ONE TIME in months and I come back with some eye-thing. I'm sure it's just a coincidence. And I'm sure it'll go away.

I don't really think that because I'm doing things today I wasn't going to do - like workout and get cigarettes and do laundry - because I'm afraid by tomorrow, my eye will be swollen shut and I won't want to do anything. Yes, I'm a pessimist. Get over it.

I downloaded from my local library "The Passage" by Justin Cronin. It took me days to read. DAYS! Not because it wasn't a fantastic book - because it was - but because it was double the pages I'm used to reading. The Kindle doesn't do page numbers - or at least it didn't for this book. It only told me "You're 30% through"; "You're 50% through" and finally last night, "99% through".  That's only one downfall of the Kindle - not being able to tell where you are in the book; how much further you have to go to get through. With a hardcover, you can see, you can feel. Another downfall - I'd read it all day long and then by the time I went to bed, the battery would be too low so I'd have to twiddle my thumbs and charge it just enough so I could read a bit before falling asleep. A hardcover doesn't shut off. BUT, there are so many positives to having a Kindle that they outweigh the negatives.

I don't know what it is about books that gets me so excited but this one has me hooked. It's part of a trilogy and I just found out the third one isn't even out yet. Grrrrrrr! That's frustrating. I love to read authors who have series so I can just read one right after the other, but.....I hate waiting. I'm impatient. AND the next book in the trilogy, "The Twelve" is already checked out online (& my local library doesn't carry it in hardcover) so I had to place a hold and will have to wait.  I have 9 hardcover books from my local library sitting on my dining room table to read. I guess I should probably read those, huh?

I haven't had any chocolate or sweets in three days. I miss it but I do feel better, if not physically, at least mentally. I may not be losing any weight, yet, but I feel better knowing I'm at least not adding any more pounds. I wish it were so easy to stop drinking. I had no willpower when it came to alcohol. I'd see it; I'd want it; I'd buy it. I'd think about it; I'd want it; I'd buy it. I'd have a good day; I'd want it; I'd buy it. I'd have a bad day; I'd want it; I'd buy it. No matter what I'd told myself just that morning - No more! No more drinking! I will not buy any alcohol today! Inevitably, by the time I got home from work, there'd magically be an 18 pack of Bud Light Lime in my car. How did that happen?

*eye roll*

So glad those days are past....

"I put the "why" in DIY!" -Maxine

I DID IT!

I made it through Walmart without buying any M&M's or Twinkies or ice cream!

After weighing myself yesterday and finding out I've gained almost 20 lbs in a month & a 1/2, I finally got disgusted enough with myself to just say "Stop!"  Enough already! Exercise isn't enough anymore. You can't eat like you're 20 anymore. Your metabolism isn't the same anymore.

So yesterday, I finished off the jumbo-size bag of M&M's and declared, "That's enough!"  I'm proud of myself and yet feel somewhat anxious about not having M&M's to eat. It's like when I get down to one case of soda or my last two packs of cigarettes. I start to panic. Have to replenish the supply!  But today, I didn't. I may have some willpower left after all.

I even bought frozen turkey patties instead of hamburgers. Progress.

I had therapy this morning. I feel pretty darn good, if I'm honest with myself. I think exercising every morning and reading help with that. What did I do without books? I went crazy, that's what I did. I'm truly grateful I can read again and when I think back to when I couldn't, I just shake my head. It's scary what our brains can do to us & how tenuous it all really is.

My therapist wants me to think about who I genuinely am; what are my values; who am I? Is my real self anywhere near my ideal self? She also wants me to begin thinking about going somewhere once a week, like a coffee shop, and just sitting by myself. Horror! I run errands by myself. I do not go to the movies by myself. I'm too self-conscious. I think everyone is watching me. Like I'm so interesting, right? But it's hard to go from thinking that to not thinking that. She said, "just think about it".  So that's what I'm doing. I'm thinking. I'm not doing....yet.

I think I'll just go read a book.

"I don't think of it as late-night snacking so much as all-night-dinner-eating." -Maxine

I had a dream the other night that involved both drinking & my cousin, Landi. Landi passed away several years ago and periodically - rarely - she pops up in my dreams. I tend to pay closer attention to those particular dreams than any others. Most others are just my subconscious vomiting up all it knows in random, soap-opera-like pictures. But when Landi appears - I don't know - maybe because she's gone, I pay more attention. This dream, I don't think, had any real meaning, other than all the family was together. We lived together, basically, on the same block. I was walking from Landi's house to my mom & dad's house....with a beer. I remember thinking, in my dream, "it's only one". Ha! It's never "only one". When I got to Mom & Dad's house, I hid the beer. Instant feeling of shame. *eye roll* I think this dream was just a reminder of what it's like when I drink.

I have no desire to drink. I don't even think about it anymore. I'm too busy reading, praise the FSM. But a dream-reminder is good to experience every now & then, to keep the bad fresh in my mind. We, as alcoholics, tend to forget or make grandiose what our drinking was like. Such as, it was so much fun. Sure, there were fun times....which usually ended in tears, or fighting, or making out with some random stranger. I don't want to go back to that. I just want to move forward.

Speaking of which, this fat ass has got to go! OK, my ass isn't really fat, but if my buddha-gut keeps expanding, I'm going to have to buy new clothes. Yep, even my fat-jeans are tight. My fat-jeans. Too tight. I've taken one small step towards "dieting". Instead of two burgers at lunch, I've cut down to one. LOL, I don't think that's making much of a difference. I'm pretty sure it's the jumbo size of peanut butter M&M's that are contributing to my extra weight gain. I'm almost out, which is a good thing, and just need to stop myself from buying any more when I go to the grocery store this week. Easier said than done. There was one time, early in my sobriety, that my friend T accompanied me to the grocery store because I was afraid my willpower wouldn't be strong enough to NOT buy any alcohol. That made a huge difference. Maybe I need that now. Somebody needs to slap my hand when I reach for that bag of M&M's.

I wish we could wear signs around our necks that express to others who we are and what help we need. Mine would have to be the size of a sandwich board, double-sided. It would say "Recovering Alcoholic & Stop Me From Buying Any Sweets". The backside would say "Anxious & Depressed: Handle With Care".   What would yours say?

"TV is like a book you can sleep through." -Maxine

I've been devouring books. Some I wish I hadn't read but most, I can't put down. I wish I could read for a living. Is there such a job? Probably, but for something like text books or any other equally boring book.  I'd have a problem staying awake.

There's something rolling around in my head that I can't seem to shake. I actually dreamt about it and woke up instantly thinking about it. I get this way. It's nothing unusual. It's what most alcoholics (& others) do. We dwell. We stew. But I haven't had something stuck in my head for a long time...probably because there isn't anything to get stuck in my head. My dream to become a hermit? Achieved. I leave the house to get my mail (scurry, scurry) and to get groceries (more scurrying, fast as I can!) but that's really the extent of my outdoor activities. Most days, I don't even go outside. And people? I see family and the clerk at the grocery store and perhaps a neighborly person out & about when I'm getting my cigarettes or mail but that's about it. Do I need to get out more? *sigh* I hope not.

So the thing that's stuck in my head was posted by a "friend" (& I use that term loosely) on Facebook. She posted a picture of a woman, standing. The "friend" made fun of this woman's clothing attire, which to me seemed perfectly normal, but to the "friend" was awful and she said so. Then she put a disclaimer..."I'm judging, so sue me".  This "friend" is someone I've known since my early years of high school and I guess I just can't believe that she hasn't changed a bit. She hasn't evolved. She's stuck in the "I'm insecure and hate myself so I'm going to put other people down to make myself feel good".  I keep thinking, you can dress a pig up, but it's still just a pig and a bully is still a bully.  Why does this "friend's" post bother me so much? Who knows. Maybe I'm afraid she's going to aim her target at me, though I don't know how since I rarely leave the house, lol. Maybe it pisses me off that a 38-year-old woman is teaching her daughter her same faulty thinking. Maybe it angers me that she hasn't changed. Bullying pisses me off, true. So does prejudice & bigotry, racism and sexism. Can't we just be supportive of each other? Ahhh, in a perfect world.

My days are getting a bit too routine. I wake up, sometimes at 7 but most days around 8, which I cannot believe I sleep in that late, but whatev. I wake up, take my vitamin & anti-anxiety pill, and smoke my two cigarettes. I change into my workout clothes, roll out my yoga mat, then get my heart rate pumping, all the while trying not to have a heart attack and to keep my eyes off my fat gut. If I could just stop buying then devouring Ruffles Sour Cream & Cheddar chips, greasy burgers and peanut butter M&M's, I know I'd lose some weight. I tell myself every morning (just as I did when I was drinking), I will not gorge myself on food today; I will eat healthy. But then, inevitably, I get hungry, my stomach starts growling, and I do gorge myself....on chips, burgers & M&M's. *sigh* I need a stronger willpower, obviously. So, I workout, smoke another cigarette, take a bath or shower, then & only then do I allow myself coffee. I usually drink coffee until 10 or 11, while watching  Supernatural on TNT, pick up my book around the same time, then my stomach starts rumbling. I read my book while making lunch, eat lunch, read some more, then, if I'm lucky, take a nap. After my nap, I read some more while watching a movie or Castle on TNT. I read and read and read. By this time, I can't put the book down and will have it completed by the time I fall asleep, which kind of pisses me off because I can't get to sleep if I've just completed a book. I need to be mid-book so then I have to start another one and by this time it's 11 o'clock. It's no wonder I sleep until 8.  And the same day starts all over again.

Oh sure, there are days when things are different. Yesterday, since it was Sunday, I didn't workout and instead watched Mad Men until 9. I even left my house to get the mail that had accumulated for days (one piece of stinking mail).  I'll probably go to the grocery store at some point this week. I'm debating about driving into CB for the Wednesday morning meeting now that the weather's good, though I hate driving in the dark and it would require me to be awake by 5. But most days, the average day, is the same.  Maybe it is for most people. I like to think so.

Are you wearing green today? You better be if you don't want to get pinched. Isn't that silly? I'm wearing green on the off chance I see someone and they get any ideas. Happy St. Patrick's Day, everyone - celebrate it wisely!

"The invitation said, "Come as you are." I came hungry." -Maxine

I think this may be the first time in my life when I've eaten because I'm bored. I was never much of a "snacker". I ate meals and if it was a big meal, probably only 1 per day. Now I'm eating, what feels like, non-stop, which isn't entirely true, but it sure feels like it. I don't eat breakfast, which is helping. There's one meal I'm not shoveling food down my gullet.  Lunch, lately, is two burgers, chips, followed by M&M's. I'll eat half a large bag of M&M's in one sitting. They're evil. Then, I get bored late afternoon and snack. I'm lucky if I've got grapes and Wheat Thins so then I don't feel so bad. But damn, my buddha is gettin' big!

That's why, this morning, I did the homework from WinterShred instead of my regular Pilates. Pilates is fine but it isn't a strenuous workout so I rarely, if ever, sweat. However, WinterShred gets my heart pumpin', my breathing heavy and sweat pouring out of my glands. I always feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. But that's a good thing! Right?

*eye roll* I just need to stop eating so damn much and stop buying M&M's. It's insanely similar to how I was with alcohol. I just can't stop once I start. Why can't I have that reaction to good things in my life?!? Why is the "can't-stop" reaction only associated with things bad for me? I'd sure like to know. It'd be nice to have the "can't-stop" reaction to working out or...working.

I got into a conversation last night on FB with a guy. He said he had a question to ask me. I told him to go ahead and ask away. I'm pretty much an open book if anybody wants to know. However, it wasn't a question he had but rather a confession. He'd had several dreams about me that were, um, amorous. *head shake* Men are such idiots. How have they not figured out, yet, that sex to women is entirely different from what men think. Or at least, it is to me. Men want sex all the time. All. The. Time. They probably think about it more than they think about anything else. But me? It's pretty rare if I think about sex at all and if I am thinking about it, it's probably not in a good way. I wonder why that is? Sex should be good, right? For me, it just brings up feelings of inadequacy, insecurity and anxiety. I'm pretty sure that's not healthy, lol. Don't get me wrong - I'm flattered that anybody would think of me in that way but then I think, "boy, he'd really be disappointed in real life - better stick to dreaming about it".

I need to find a man as disinterested in sex as I am. That's compatibility!

Speaking of sex, I run out of my prescription for estrogen on Sunday. I'm not going to refill it. I figure there's no point if I'm going on another 8 year hiatus. ;)

I'm doing o.k. on the hydroxyzine. I'm not sure I notice much difference in my anxiety level and if I'm "not sure" then it's probably doing nothing. I haven't experienced any side effects, including sedation, except for that first day. We may need to increase the dosage. I started out on the lowest dose. I'm glad there aren't any side effects, but I wish I'd feel a noticeable change in my anxiety level. I feel like they tricked me & put me on a placebo.

I'm reading like mad, which is fan-freaking-tastic! Man, I've missed books. I'm heading back to the library this afternoon to get more, even though I just started Stephen King's new book, "Doctor Sleep" on my Kindle.  It ties in to "The Shining" so I'm thoroughly enjoying it and it's hard to put down. No nightmares....yet.

We were supposed to get snow last night but it either missed us or melted by the time I got up this morning. Speaking of which, ever since damn daylight saving time, I haven't gotten up before 8 (which is really 7 in my thinking). It's odd to sleep in so late. I'm not sure I like it or if it's a bad thing. Today I got up around 7 (really 6- see? can't stop adjusting the damn time in my head) and that felt better than 8. Eight feels like I've slept 1/2 the day away, even though that's far from the truth.  There are a lot of hours in the day and I spend the majority of those reading. I don't clean. I don't watch t.v. even though it's on. I read. I've got to get off my ass and clean this house! Maybe once 'real Spring' rolls around, I'll be more motivated.

"A lot of games are being played on the internet these days...but enough about those singles websites!" -Maxine

I was pleasantly surprised at my med-check appointment this morning. I was anticipating (& creating anxiety about) she would want to put me on Latuda and then I'd be all sorts of screwed up. However, she was ready to focus solely on my anxiety and for that, I am grateful. That's what I want to focus on. I think if I can get that under control - either through medication and/or talk therapy - then I'll finally be able to work without getting seriously depressed. So she put me on Hydroxyzine, 25 mg 3 X's a day. Side effects are minimal - the most serious one being sedation. I say, bring it on! I could use a little sedation!

I then went to get my Depo shot at the doctor's office where they also wanted to give me the pneumonia vaccine. I postponed that. They told me I should get the flu shot & this vaccine. I'm hesitant. I've never gotten the flu shot before and just thinks it makes people sick. However, I know someone in the hospital, fighting H1N1 and it's pretty bad....So, maybe next time.

I hit Walmart to pick up my prescription ($0.00 - yeah!) and stock up on groceries. Since I've been eating more, I sure do go through a lot of food. I love having a well-stocked kitchen, but I sure do hate shopping for groceries.

Later the same day....

Today is Elvis' birthday - He's done all the things he loves - driving me crazy with his meowing, sleeping for hours upon hours, eating his "treat" (hairball treatment) and laying on my chest. Right now he's in a deep sleep but maybe later I'll actually brush him (not that he loves that so much....)

I took my first Hydroxyzine at Noon and again just now at 5PM. I will say, my afternoon nap was much longer than it usually is. It's usually only an hour, if I'm lucky, because my anxiety always wakes me up. However, this afternoon, after eating a rather large lunch and taking the Hydroxyzine, I slept for 2.5 hours. I rolled my eyes at 2.5 hours, but in all actuality, it was heavenly. Heavenly! My heart still feels like it's going to pound through my chest and I'm still shaking like a leaf, but just being able to sleep like that gives me hope. I hope I stay awake long enough to watch some t.v. tonight!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

"I think hobbies are for people who don't have cable." -Maxine

I agree - I find it difficult to stop watching the Today show in order to put in my Pilates DVD!

But I grudgingly do it because I know it makes me feel like I've accomplished something during the day and I don't feel so guilty eating a bag of peanut butter M&M's later in the day. The M&M's are gone but I've still got a little bit of ice cream & peanut butter to eat for today! Don't know what I'd do without sugar....

I still feel good. I'm sleeping really good at night which is a nice change. I see my med-check lady Thursday morning and I'm nervous as hell. I'm nervous because she's going to want to put me on something in the same class as Seroquel, such as Latuda, and I'm more than hesitant to take anything anymore....other than something for the anxiety. I could live without the anxiety. Seriously. However, I don't want to take something that's going to make me feel like shit, physically, or that's going to make me depressed & suicidal, as all those medications have those as a side effect. I guess it's a risk I'm going to have to take. It seems most people think I need to be on something, whatever it is.

I caught the tail end of a commercial for Latuda this morning and I swear it said, "Don't drink grape juice while on this medication". Seriously?!? Grape juice? Does that mean I can't eat grapes either because I've sort of gotten into that. They're a sweet, healthy treat to eat rather than an entire bag of M&M's. Guess I'll have to start eating peaches instead...but they're so messy.  Grapes are the perfect fruit. *sigh*

The man still hasn't stopped by to pick up his shit. Three full bags have been sitting on my dining room table since Friday. If you want your stuff, come & get it! Trash day is Friday....just sayin'. LOL. No, I wouldn't do that, but I'd like his shit off my table....soon.  Guess I have to change my relationship status on Facebook back to "single", huh? *eye roll* I can just imagine the comments. "What happened?!?"  Like I'm going to answer. It's a band-aid I should just rip off quickly rather than procrastinating about it. I've been waiting for him to change his status first. Ridiculous, isn't it?      It's done - and it apparently doesn't show up in the News Feed so Praise the FSM for that! Whew!

Even though it's been bitter cold around here the last few days, I've been hotter than Hades at night so I removed the flannel sheets & electric blanket and put on my nice, cool cotton sheets. Then I decided I might as well change the bed spread to my Spring quilt since we're almost there. As I was upstairs getting that quilt, I saw my Spring living room pillows & blankets so I decided to put those out as well and store the afghans I haven't even used. It's Spring in my household! It's going to hit 35 today & is supposed to snow again tonight. I even have on my flip-flop slippers rather than my cuddly winter ones because my feet are hot.  I'm just hot. I think it's all the fat I'm storing.

Elvis' birthday is Thursday. He'll be 16 and we'll have spent 12 years together. Longest relationship I've ever had & I haven't killed him!! I'm thinking he deserves a present or something, except he doesn't really play with anything I've ever gotten him, other than another cat - and that is not going to happen! He doesn't even like to eat anything other than his dry cat food & hairball treatment, so maybe I'll just plan on a big play day. I'm sure he'll sleep all day. :)