Jerry: "What is this salty discharge?" Elaine: "Oh my God, you're crying!" Jerry: "This is horrible...I care!" -Seinfeld

I have 3 AA meetings that I faithfully attend. This morning's 7:00AM meeting tops my list.

BUT, dang it! I'm having a harder & harder time getting out of bed in the morning. I consider myself a morning person. I can, usually, get up & get going fairly easily.  Lately, though, it's been more difficult. I don't know if it's because it's still dark out, now, when my alarm goes off....or that it's cold and I want to stay under the covers....or if it's just that I'm damn tired and want more sleep.  Regardless of the reason, I hit snooze this morning and considered.....considered....not going to my meeting. 

"It isn't going to hurt anything not to go.  It isn't like I want a drink right now at this very moment and that going to this meeting is going to 'prevent' me from relapsing. I could sleep a little bit longer...." 

I am so glad I got my ass out of bed and went.

I realized, during the meeting, it doesn't matter if this meeting helps me not drink today. I mean, that's a great benefit and all, but let's be real. Going to a 7AM meeting isn't going to help me to not drink later this afternoon or tonight or tomorrow or the next day.

What I get out of this meeting is companionship, comraderie, 'love', support, caring, accountability, validation, listening, advice, and laughter. Those are all the things I need, want & desire.

If I hadn't gone to the meeting this morning, I wouldn't have felt welcomed anywhere today.  If I hadn't gone to the meeting, I wouldn't have learned more than I knew when I woke up. If I hadn't gone to the meeting, I wouldn't have met & talked to & listened to any new people today.  If I hadn't gone to the meeting this morning, I wouldn't have felt heard today.  If I hadn't gone to the meeting, I wouldn't have felt known today. 

Extra sleep might have been nice. I don't think I would have felt any more rested, though. 

Going to that meeting gave me so much more than a little extra sleep would have given me. 

"Coffee smells like freshly ground heaven." ~Jessi Lane Adams

I've replaced beer with coffee. Don't ask me why. It works for me.

I've drank 3 pots today and had the thought, "I wonder if there's a coffee pot that makes more than 12 cups"?  It's annoying to have to keep making pot after pot after pot.  At least it's 3/4 decaffeinated because if it weren't, I might be up all night. I'm going to be up all night, anyway, peeing. 

I guess drinking so much coffee is a good thing. They're now saying it's actually good for you.  I'll be less likely to get Type 2 diabetes. Whew! Because I was really concerned about that. I might also be less likely to have a stroke, heart rhythm problems and certain cancers.

I'm an alcoholic. I'm not all that concerned about any of these things. My main concern is whether or not I'm going to stay sober today.  And if chugging coffee helps, then so be it. 

"Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead." -Charles Bukowski

I feel discombobulated.

I plan. I plan my whole day, every day. If I don't have a plan, I'm all out of sorts. But lately, even with a plan, I'm out of sorts.

Take yesterday for example. I knew I had a meeting last night and what the meeting was for, but I kept thinking it was a different meeting, for something else.  On one hand, I knew exactly what I was doing and why. On the other hand, I'd have these odd moments of..."Oh, I have Trustee meeting tonight.  No, wait. No, I don't. It's Admin Council."  I had that moment about 5 times yesterday.

My brain is discombobulated. Where am I going? Why am I going there? What am I doing? What is this for? What do I need? It's just a very odd feeling. Just call me "Alice". 

So I'm trying to plan even more, harder, sterner, more solidly.  This morning, on the way to work, I thought about asking a friend to go bicycle riding Saturday morning (see how far in advance I'm planning?), no matter how cold it's going to be, then stopping for coffee on the way home.  This would be my ex-drinking-buddy.  I enjoy spending time with him and would like to spend more "friend" time, just not at the bar. But I know how he is and he doesn't like to commit to anything too soon, so I thought I'd wait and email him on Friday.

Later today, about quitting time, I started thinking about the Saturday bicycle ride.....again.  This led to thinking about my friend and reminiscing (glorifying) about our times at the bar, which then led me to, "Holy shit! I'm never going to have an after-work drink ever again!"  I've known this all along. I understand I will never be able to take a drink ever again for as long as I live, unless I want to end up exactly where I've ended up every single time I drink.  But this was an epiphany and not a pleasant one. Epiphanies are usually "Ah-ha" moments.  I think of them as positive moments. This was a "Holy Shit!" moment leading me to really want a nice, cold beer.

Which would, quite honestly, probably taste like ass.

It's scary how automatic my brain thinks of old habits. Last night, for example, I had the evening meeting (previously discussed) and as soon as I started driving home, I thought, "Stop @ your dealer's and get a 6-pack. You'll probably only drink a few anyway." We all know that ain't true.

I called Dad instead. He distracted me enough to get home and in my pajama's before doing something stupid. God forbid someone doesn't answer their phone when I really, really need them.  Who am I to talk, right? I rarely answer my phone, though now I have to because I don't want people thinking I'm drinking or dead. *eye roll* God, I hate the phone. :)

"Well, remember what you said, because in a day or two, I'll have a witty and blistering retort! You'll be devastated THEN!”—Calvin & Hobbes

My IOP dude is seriously pissing me off.

I told him I was having a hard time understanding how something I felt or learned as a child couldn't be changed after receiving other information to the contrary throughout my life.  Just as an example, "I'm stupid" learned as a child. Yet, getting good grades in high school, receiving a Bachelor's Degree, accepted into a graduate assistantship, receiving a Master's Degree, succeeding at my job don't seem to dissuade that thinking. How come? Because, according to IOP dude, the feeling of "I'm stupid" was learned in a different way than all that other learning.  I asked him what part of the brain that was. He couldn't tell me, other than he calls it the "primitive" part.  I don't have much confidence when someone is spouting something and can't back it up.  He went on to say that my learned behaviors as a child were result of 'trauma'. 

I laughed & told him that was crap.  Literally.  Laughed & told him that was crap. Because I don't recall any trauma in my childhood. 

He went on to say that the "I-don't-deserve-happiness" feeling is a clear indication that this all stems from my childhood. Because NORMAL people, HEALTHY people feel they do deserve happiness.

So, what did I get from that?  I'm abnormal and unhealthy.

Then I had to argue my point of singlehood.  God, I hate having to argue this point.  Just because society says we should all be married with 2.5 children does not make it right.....that it is entirely o.k. to not have a companion.  He said HUMANS want those types of relationships.

So, what did I get from that? I'm inhuman. 

Nice. Asshole.  If this guy doesn't drive me to drink.....

And then we went through my "blocks to treatment".  I don't deserve happiness. Low self-esteem. Needing outside recognition and validation. Needing to be perfect. Complying to others. And so many more. Man, I really am fucked up. He may have a point.

But then he started harping on relationships....again.....and spirituality....again....and AA.....again and I thought, "this guy is so full of shit".  I swear, I will stay single the rest of my goddam life just to prove this guy wrong.

And then.....

And then.....

I realized, I might have these intense feelings of dislike towards him because he maybe, possibly, might have the chance of being right.

Dammit. I hate being wrong.

I'm not saying I buy into the whole, "you learned this as a child in such a way that any subsequent learning wouldn't change what you already learned" theory.  And I'll never agree that "all humans" crave companionship.  And I will also never agree that a person has to attend X amount of AA meetings to stay sober.  But I will admit-- I have issues. I have issues of low self-esteem. I have trust issues. I hide my true self b/c if I truly opened up to someone, they'd reject me. And I tend to self-destruct. 

So, ok, IOP dude, I'll stick it out with you. But next time I'm there, know this: If you're getting paid this much money each time I see you, the least you could do was review my case before I came in and reacquaint yourself with my file and then get it right.  I did not have alcoholic parents. I was not abused as a child. I do not have legal action pending. But whoever you're talking about....they might need more sessions.
--Sincerely, the abnormal, unhealthy, inhuman. 

“Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get.” -Homer Simpson

Have you ever noticed how many beer commercials there are during a televised NFL game?

About a million.

I never noticed before, but I sure notice now.  The only one that I had to physically turn away from was the Bud Light Lime commercial.  Oh, how I loved me some Bud Light Lime. Blasted beer.

Otherwise, for the most part, the commercials didn't affect me. It could have been the environment I was in. Had I been home, I may not be able to say that. But I was at a church-friend-co-workers house and that's never a place where I got drunk. It's a safe place.  My home, on the other hand, is not a safe place, in term's of triggers. 

What are triggers, anyway? A "trigger" is something that prompts one to think about, crave, and ultimately relapse on drugs/alcohol. Triggers vary for each alcoholic.  For some, it could be the people they hung out with while drinking; going to the bars; sex; shopping; food; music; smells; t.v.; commercials; images of alcohol; time of day; feelings; etc, etc, etc. The list could go on & on.

My triggers seem to be the grocery store, gas station, time of day, feelings of boredom/frustration/emptiness, and making dinner @ home.  Let me just say, it is not easy to have the grocery store & gas station as a trigger.  They were my dealers, as "Nicole" would say. I have to constantly be aware of my location in the grocery store and to avoid direct eye contact with the booze aisle.  "Look away! Look away!"  As for the gas station, same thing. I'm in & out before I even know where I'm at.  It's such a tricky game I have to play in order to avoid relapse.

Time of day is a tough one. 4:00PM. My "before treatment", or B.T., quitting time. In treatment, they had us schedule a day-- a day "after treatment" (A.T.).  My first time doing this, I freaked out.  I got to 4:00PM on that particular day and was lost. I didn't know what the hell to schedule or what I would do.  If I wasn't drinking, what the hell was I doing?  Now I know. I stay busy until after 4:00PM.  I'm no longer getting in to work @ 7AM & leaving @ 4PM to go home. I'm coming in later and staying later. Or I'm going to a meeting.

I combat boredom/frustration/emptiness at all hours of the day.  Boredom is something I really struggle with....constantly being "busy".  I'm just not that type of person. I like my downtime.  Guess what? I can't have as much downtime as I want anymore. It's a drag. But it's better than killing myself slowly with alcohol. 

As for going to the bars, I'll not be able to do that for many, many years.  My first try at sobriety, I managed to avoid any contact with alcohol (bars, parties, etc) for 2 years.  Then I decided, "I'm going to need to test myself eventually, might as well see if I can do it".  And I did. I drank Diet Pepsi. Not the point.  "Testing" ourselves is a slippery slope. Stupid, stupid, stupid.  If you have to test yourself, DON'T DO IT.  I've learned my lesson.

I'm still learning what my triggers are.  Take the "making dinner @ home" trigger.  Did not see that one coming.  It's an odd trigger, in my opinon.  But B.T., I would drink as much as I could, then, and only then, would I eat.  Didn't want to fill the stomach with food when I could fill it with booze.  So now, it seems, my brain & body are discombobulated.  Stomach is hungry & wants to eat. Brain says, "But you're not drunk yet so don't eat". So far it's a tie as to who's winning.  Sometimes stomach wins out & I eat. Sometimes brain wins out and I don't eat.

But I'm still not drunk. 

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde

It's my first Sunday back to work.

Sunday is like the Super Bowl. It's like Black Friday. It's like the First Day Back to School.

It's a big day. I was only ever gone on a Sunday if I was projectile vomiting or on vacation.  So being gone for 5 1/2 weeks was a big deal.

Or was it?

Here are the comments of the day:

• "Well, that's a new look." --Boss.  No, "it looks nice" or "you look good".  Just "That's a new look."  *sigh* Great way to start a high-anxiety day.
• "You look good....Some of us suffer later in life." - Old man G.  Huh? I wasn't sure if he was talking about looks, or mental illness, or alcholism.  I just didn't go there....
• "All better now, huh?" -Creepy dude.  Yep, all better!  Don't I wish?
• "Good to see you....There's mold in the basement." -Blonde
• "Hi. The dishwasher isn't working." -Funge Face (definition for crabby, old woman who, if she saw me in need on the side of the road, would more than likely run me over.)

I give the "church business" announcements at the beginning of each service. I didn't expect a parade. I didn't expect bells & whistles. I didn't expect a long drawn out welcome.  And thank goodness because I didn't get that.  Instead, at the first service, it was simply 'business as usual'....like I'd never been gone.  No "Welcome back" or "Good to have ya back" or any mention of my absence.  It felt odd.  I'm not even sure I got a "Good Morning" from the congregation.  I'm pretty sure I didn't.  And all I got back, while giving my announcements, was deadpan stares.  Not that this is unusual and maybe I'm just more sensitive to that on this particular day, but it felt like no one was even remotely glad I was back. 

Until after the service.  One gentleman found me in my office and gave me a big hug (gotta love those hugs!) and said he had wanted to stand and applaud my return but there was no mention of it.  He also offered himself for anything I might need (that sounds really bad....he didn't mean it in THAT way!).  It was nice. It made me feel like at least one person noticed I had been missing and had returned....and was happy about that.

Now, the 9:30 & 11:00 services were a bit different.  Pastor welcomed me as usual but the worship team welcomed me as only they could do....with a short rendition of "Foxy Lady".  The congregation laughed, gave me a bit more of a "Good Morning" than the 8:00 but not by much, and on I went with my business.  The Director of Worship, after I was done with announcements, pretty much forced the congregation to clap & properly welcome me back.  God bless the Director of Worship. 

For the most part, people seem to be ignoring my absence and subsequent return and it's simply 'business as usual'.  "The dishwasher is broken." "There's mold in the basement." Etc, Etc.  I assume people don't know how to respond, so they non-respond, which is exactly what I would do when faced with an uncomfortable situation.  When someone passes away and I'm face-to-face with the grieving family, I never know what to say that won't sound trite, so I pretend it didn't even happen and go into "helpful" mode.  That's how I respond. Not very well. 

I completely understand the 'non-response' and am quite grateful not to have to deal with any "Where ya been?" questions because I'm still not sure how I would respond.  Just thinking about the questions and my reponses ("Wouldn't you like to know?"  "On sabbatical."  "On medical leave.") gave me quite a bit of anxiety yesterday and this morning.  All for naught. 

Educate yourselves.

I caught this article on msnbc.com: "Expert: Don't call alcoholism a 'disease'".  I about choked on my yogurt.

For God's sake, I have a hard enough time fighting & not subscribing to the general public's theory that alcoholism is a weakness; that I should be able to quit on my own at any time; that I have somehow 'failed' because I can't control my drinking. And now, here's an "expert" stating that it shouldn't be called a 'disease'.  Asshole.

I've read the whole article and now I understand what he's (Lance Brendan Young) trying to say: by calling alcoholism a 'disease', treating practitioners may focus too much on the biology of the disease, rather than the larger picture of triggers, stresses, trauma, social aspect etc.  He's still an asshole.

It seems obvious to me that Lance hasn't gone through treatment before because if he had, he would know that treating practitioners do not focus solely on the biology of the disease.

Lance says we should use different terminology:  call alcoholism an 'allergy' rather than a 'disease'.  What a flippin' idiot.  IMHO.  What does calling alcoholism an allergy do for you?  I can tell you what it'd do for me. It would lessen the seriousness and complexity of the damn disease.  It would make it less possible for me to explain the severity of the problem to others. I know it's severe. I know.  Others don't. Calling it an allergy, like I could get something over-the-counter to treat it, is utterly ridiculous.

I'm infuriated. 

Read the whole article here:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/44639148/ns/health-addictions/

From the comments section of the article (of which I had to stop reading because I couldn't stand it any longer...)  karl-dean commented: "Alcoholism was long ago considered “willful misconduct.” It is no longer, because we understand more about it now. As for those who believe a person “becomes” an alcoholic because he/she chooses to, alcoholism is a condition which can be arrested but not cured. Ignorance, on the other hand, can be cured. Educate yourselves."

"I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.” – Jack Handy

I'm proud of myself. I'm giving myself a big pat on the back because, doggone it, I deserve it!

I survived my first "Friday", which was actually Wednesday evening and my first "Saturday", which was actually Thursday, without any major catastrophe's, urges, cravings or meltdowns. Who knew it was possible? Not me. But now I do and I'm better for knowing.

This morning, I leapt out of bed @ 5:00AM. Ok, I didn't actually leap. It was more like a groaning slow crawl out of bed. I got up early so I could do Pilates before going to my Friday morning meeting.  If nothing else, I'm a much better person simply because of the exercise I've been able to maintain.

The meeting was a good one. One of the many great things about AA is that you hear from other people their own struggles and stresses and it makes what you're going through seem not so bad.  Don't get me wrong. I still think my own struggle sucks ass....the worst thing I've had to deal with in my own life, but certainly not as bad as some others. 
A woman said she hasn't felt comfortable telling other people in her circle what's happening to her because she doesn't "want them to hover".  Isn't that the truth?  I think that bodes for alcoholics as well. 

There are so many reasons alcoholics/addicts don't talk about their addictions.

1. We feel incredible shame for our past and for our disease, and that sometimes prevents us from speaking openly about it. 
2. We're also afraid of other people's judgments, stereotypes and treatment of us 'once they know'.  
3. I also feel an intense need to not be a burden to anyone.  I have a major problem phoning any of my 'normie' friends if I'm in crisis.  I fear they'll eventually reject me, like, it's too much to deal with 'me'.  My IOP dude asked me during the first session, "How many close friends do you have?"  I said "Nine".  In a later session, following my crisis weekend, he asked me, "Which of your 9 friends did you call?"  I said, "None. I called a friend that was in treatment with me".  His response, "So you've got 9 people who are willing to be your friend, but you have to allow them...."  Yes, that is entirely accurate.  I fear rejection.
4. It's the same fear with speaking openly about my addiction.  What if the person doesn't give a shit?  "Oh, you're an alcoholic. Big fuckin' whoop. Let's talk about me."  Or they flat out deny & reject me? I know I shouldn't allow other people's behavior to effect my own, but come on. How realistic is that? Of course it would hurt to share something so personal with someone and then they ignore or reject you because of it. 

But there's also the factor of "hovering" which prevents us from speaking openly. For a person who has lived alone, independently, on their own for several years, it's difficult to have other people 'hover' over them: wanting to take care of them, checking in on them, offering unsolicited advice & opinions....I've mentioned before how I quickly become tired of people's advice, suggestions, opinions, etc regarding my treatment and recovery.  Opinions are like assholes. Everyone's got one.  If you don't think I already know exactly what I need to do, you're mistaken.  It's doing it that's sometimes difficult. 

On the flip side of hovering is the complete opposite: not hearing from someone who knows what you're struggling through. For me, I get to the point of, "well if nobody gives a shit, I might as well drink".  Obviously I know this thinking is wrong and irrational because people do care. Plus, it shouldn't matter who cares as long as I do.  But I can't deny that I think that way or that it affects me when I'm alone and I haven't heard from a soul in days. 

Man, I'm full of shit, aren't I? On one hand, I want you to call me. On the other, I just want to be left alone. On one hand, I want you to understand and discuss my addiction. On the other, I just want you to treat me like you did before you knew about my addiction.  *eye roll*  I wear myself out.

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." -- Joseph Wood Krutch

Yesterday was a good day, though I was so tired, I did not want to get out of bed. But I went to an AA meeting @ 7AM. I really enjoy that meeting & feel comfortable there. It's clean. There's coffee. It's a small group of old dudes. It's just a nice meeting. Never long enough. I always want more time. Not to talk, but just to hang out with them. Old dudes. What is wrong with me?

Work was good too. It was a relatively quiet day and again, accomplished a lot. It's the quiet & boring days that I'm dreading. I need to have a plan in place for those days....going through files? Cleaning? I'm sure there are things I need to do.

I met with my IOP dude last night. That was the fifth time. We finally finished my history. I've paid him over $600.00 and so far that's all we've done. My history. It's disheartening. I understand the need to do it....I just wish it were faster. Hopefully next session we get down to the nitty gritty. I don't want to feel resentment towards my IOP dude....and I am. He again talked about what I don't understand. I really need to take notes.

If you've read HighHeelToTheCrotch, you know I stopped @ Walmart on my way home and bought groceries. I have so much freaking food, it's ridiculous. I have salad and mushrooms in my refrigerator that are going to go to waste. I have grapes that have an invisible bug making a webby-type nest inside the bag. I threw a bunch away b/c that just grosses me out, but I managed to choke some down for lunch yesterday and I'm still alive, though I might have eggs-of-bug growing inside me. I have so many sweet treats inside my refrigerator that have been there for what seems like decades, so what do I do? Buy a pie and bake it. I need to eat what I have before buying any more groceries. I know this. Do I do it? No, no I don't.

I didn't wake up this morning until 8. That is highly unusual for me, but the last 3 days have worn me out. I really think I could have slept longer, but I felt like a slug sleeping in that late and I don't like feeling like a slug. I've finished my laundry, drank about 8 cups of coffee (3/4 decaf-- slowly weaning myself off caffeine...again), decorated my apartment for Fall, and am watching "Rio". Looking forward to lunch with mom. I feel good, so far, today. Again, no strong cravings. That's always a good day. I just keep chugging coffee.

I missed my cats so much while I was away. And now they're driving me crazy. They keep following me around everywhere I go, staring at me when I finally sit, following me around again, more staring. I've almost stepped on them both 100 times so far this morning.  Guess I should try paying attention to them, huh? Off I go to do just that.

Enjoy your day folks!

"It pays to plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark."

I had a work meeting last night. I was concerned that it would be the first real time I'd have to deal with the "Where ya been?" question.  I didn't.  What I received, pleasantly, was "Good to have ya back".  People here think they know where I was (& maybe some do-- you can't keep a secret here) so they don't feel the need to ask. Fine w/ me. Except for the looks of concern and question on their faces.

During the meeting, I realized, "I'm still the irritable bitch I've always been" except now I can blame it on the alcoholism.  "I'm an alcoholic! Give me a break! I'm dealing with a lot of shit right now! It's tough enough! Don't expect 'nice' from me!"  Ahhhhh, I wish I could say all that, but I will never confirm nor deny my issues with these people. Sadly, considering where I work, they are too judgmental and I would never live it down.

I ran into an ex-drinking buddy last night @ work. It was good to see him just because he's a nice person, but it also brought back a lot of memories. Some good, some bad. It was difficult to talk with him because he has a family member who is also an alcoholic and my ex-drinking buddy doesn't "get it".  So why would he understand my problem? He's more of the "pull-up-your-bootstraps" persuasion.  That's o.k., but none of that type of thinking helps anybody. Especially the addict.

"Back in the day", on a night like last night, I would normally work a long day (b/c of the meeting), feel good after a day like that (a sense of accomplishment) and then proceed to get drunk and call in sick to work the next day or stroll in the next day looking like hell warmed over.  I felt good last night. I felt good b/c I had accomplished a lot yesterday.  And a nice cold beer sounded like it'd hit the spot. 

Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!

I needed to get groceries after the meeting. I didn't.  I needed to get cigarettes.  I didn't.  Because I knew the temptation was too strong to fight last night if I were faced with the opportunity.  Thankfully, my car has a beacon on it to guide & drive itself home. Ahhh, how I wish that were true. But that's what I did. I simply went home without stopping.  If I had stopped....well....let's just not dwell on that.  The errands I need to do will still get done, just in the light of day. 

I'm more concerned about this evening and tomorrow. Today is my "Friday" and tomorrow is my day off. "Back in the day" I'd be drunk the whole time.  I HAVE A PLAN to help get my through and it's a fine plan, but you know the saying, "Man plans, God laughs"?  I keep thinking of that every time I plan my day.  Planning is what I've got right now! It's what I have to do to get through the next few million 24 hours. 

I sure hope God isn't laughing @ my plans because if He is, that's really fucked up. 

"I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well." -Robert Benchley

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

I've been pondering all day about what IOP dude told me during last night's session.  I shared with him what happened over the weekend, how I was feeling, etc. and how I didn't understand how I could feel that way surrounded by people who loved me. 

I'll try to explain to you what he tried to explain to me. I'm still not sure I understand it nor believe it.

He said, "There are things we learn as children, as babies, before our brain is developed.  These things may be good. They may be bad. They may be right. They may be wrong. Irregardless, we internalize them and they became real, solid. They become "us". Later, our brains develop further.  What happens to us, or what we perceive either validates what we learned as children & as babies or it conflicts with that."

Take me, as an example. I think I'm a worthless piece of dog doo.  Rationally or logically or via my brain, I know this is not true. I know I am smart. I am attractive. I am funny. I am capable. Etc, etc. But my "heart" or my "gut" does not believe what my "brain" believes.  This is the conflict.  I perceived, early on in my development, that I was not good enough, I was not worthwhile, I was unlovable. This has become innate to my being. Innate.

Notice I stated PERCEIVED. Can children accurately interpret their parents or caregivers actions, expressions, feelings, motivations, etc? No. They cannot. So this is no reflection whatsoever on my parents. This is a reflection on me.

As for what happened over the weekend, IOP dude 'thinks' those innate feelings surfaced and I didn't know what to do with them in my sober state and they were confusing to me. 

 

I really should have paid better attention in Pysch class.  I'm sticking with, "Your brain is fucked up..."  It's so much simpler.

"I bought a talking refrigerator that said "Oink" every time I opened the door. It made me hungry for pork chops." ~Marie Mott

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Tuesday morning is weigh-in day. It was weigh-in day @ the Ridge. It's still weigh-in day @ my house.

When I got to the Ridge, I was 130lbs on a 5'3 frame. I had a beer gut the size of Buddha. In fact, I lovingly called my gut 'Buddha'.  None of my clothes fit anymore.  I was not happy about that but it still didn't stop me from drinking as much as I could. 

As a bonus to not drinking, Buddha has shrunk. It's now a mini-Buddha. My weigh-in this morning was 120lbs. I'm pretty sure my scale is nowhere near as accurate as the Ridge's so let's go with a 5lb+ factor. I'm happy with 125lbs. I was actually able to fit into a pair of jeans I haven't been able to pull over my thighs or ass for over a year. Niiiiice. 

I continue the Ridge's "mandatory exercise" every morning (but not every night-- I'm too damn tired and have nobody to play volleyball with so it's no fun).  I was so excited yesterday because I finally received the Pilates DVD: 10 Minute Solutions. "Mike" & I did this almost every morning @ the Ridge during mandatory exercise. The first time I did it, my entire body shook, I had no flexibility, I could barely do any of the exercises, and I sweat my ass off.  But after 4 weeks, I got pretty darn good. 

I'm not as "in shape" as I thought. I did the workout this morning and I was sweating my ass off again....which is exactly what I need anyway.  Sorry, Buddha, but you gots to go!

"It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw." -Calvin & Hobbes

Monday, September 19, 2011

9:00PM
I met w/ my IOP dude tonight. We've met 4 times and we're still rehashing my life rather than getting down to the nitty-gritty. This is why I hate therapy. A person has to relive all those freaking moments again and some moments that person wishes they could forget.  Such as every horrible thing I've ever done in my life.

I'd rather have a lobotomy.

I used to blame my parents for a lot of my problems. If only they had known about genetics back in the 70's. If only they had known what kind of person they would produce. If only, if only, if only.  You know what "if only's" get you?  NOTHING. 

I no longer blame my parents. They had no idea and even if they did, I'm pretty sure they would have produced me anyway because they wanted a child.

I'm glad I was born into the family I was born into. My parents did a wonderful job, regardless of the outcome. I was loved. I was fed, clothed, cared for. We had fun. Oh, so much fun! I was tucked in & kissed goodnight. We ate dinner @ the table together. I was read to, and sung to, and played with. Holidays were celebrated together. We never went without and if we did, I never noticed.

I am them. They are me.

Hmmmm, that might not be such a good statement considering how I feel about myself, currently.  Sorry.

How can siblings grow up in the same household and one turns out the poster child for the American Dream and the other turns out an alcoholic, depressive, anxiety-ridden, sobbing, feel-worthless mess?

First full day back to work

Monday, September 19, 2011

6:00PM

It was a pretty good day. Busy. Staying busy is key. I never left the building. Not even for lunch. I ate a yogurt @ 2.  There's a point in my hunger cycle that's beyond hunger. I get to that point and I don't need to eat. Don't ask me to explain it. I don't understand it myself. 

Talked to more people today and quite honestly, I think they're as uncomfortable as I am, so they don't even ask me where I've been. Good. Let's keep it that way.  I wish I could lie and tell them I was on a "3-hour-tour" and got stranded on a deserted island with the Skipper, Gilligan, MaryAnne, and Ginger. I was able to survive because I whittled a stick into a spear and stuck a wild boar in order to feed everybody. We got rescued by a Russian ship. Wouldn't fly, would it?

I'm still having weird eating habits. Haven't eaten yet tonight and need to because I meet with IOP dude later. I won't get home until bedtime.  Long, long day. Why don't I want to make anything to eat? Why don't I want to eat? Somebody explain this to me. 

Not as bad....But not as good, either.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

The day after....

5:00PM
I've just tried not to think at all today. I feel like I haven't done anything. I did clean the bathroom, dusted & vacuumed. I tried to eat but my stomach is too upset. I think too much coffee and strong vitamins on an empty stomach. Not a good combination.

Mom & Dad came over. I think they read the blog post from Saturday, September 17 because Mom said she was surprised to see me smiling. Hell, I was happy to see them! Just because I feel miserable doesn't mean I can't smile at something funny.  It's like that poor woman who was denied insurance coverage or disability coverage for her depression because "the-powers-that-be" saw a picture of her smiling on her FB page.  Sorry. I'll try to frown from now on to reflect how I'm really feeling. 

Then she hugged me & sat on me & I think she may have cried. I say 'may have' because...I've seen my mother cry once in my lifetime that I can actually remember. I'm sure there were more times, but really. I remember one. It was when we found out my cousin Landi passed away suddenly. I remember feeling the same way then.....what the hell is happening? Is the world ending? Mom said she was so scared to come in (because I'd be dead? I answered the phone....I'm alive.  Or because I'd be drunk? More likely, though not really a reason to cry). And then she said, "I gotta pee" and everything was back to normal.  So now I'm wondering, "did she really cry? Or did I imagine that?" I don't know and I can't ask because that's rude...so I'll blog about it.  She'll let me know. 

I have to joke about my mother crying because if I don't, if I really think about why she was crying, I might just lose it.

They left around 2 and I laid on the couch the rest of the day/night. I'm a slug.

How do you sleep at night?!?

Friday, September 16, 2011

1:20PM
Went to AA at 7 this morning. Really like this group. Slept like a rock last night. Didn't wake up until alarm went off @ 5:30 and then I didn't know what day it was. Took at least a full minute to figure it out. Duh.

Worked 1/2 day. Had one, "Haven't seen ya in awhile...." comment. Just said, "Yep, I was gone, but now I'm back and trying to figure this out...Can you help me?"  Moving on.  Apparently everybody thinks I went to the loony bin.  I probably shouldn't use that phrase, but I've been there before, so I think it's o.k. if I use it.  Loony bin. Loony bin. Loony bin.  Yep, you could say that.

First day back to work...

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Woke @ 6AM. Wanted to bicycle but too cold- 43! Did pilates instead. Not the same. Anxious about work. Saw my officemate in the parking lot and sobbed. Then met w/ staff @ 9AM. Was open & honest, brutally so. I'm beat.  Everyone was nice & supportive, but I'm tired of advice and being told what I need to do (I KNOW!) and everyone else's stories. Can I just talk about myself for once, please? *sigh*

So I bawled and was honest and I apologized. Then it was straight to it.

Then met w/ my IOP dude. I realize at a certain point in therapy, a person gets pissed off at their therapist. I'm at that point.  1. Give up on getting me to a West AA meeting. I live East.  I will go to meetings in the East. Please stop pushing the "rich" meetings. and 2. If I say I'm not a "kid" person, let's not read too much into that. How about, I just don't like kids and guess what? There's nothing wrong with that. Just b/c I'm a woman does not mean I have to procreate.  I hate not being allowed to think & feel what I think & feel. Dammit.

I'm not, I'm not, I'm not

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

10:10AM
Went to AA meeting @ 7AM. Great meeting though all men so still no sponsor. Not thinking about tomorrow & going back to work. Get too anxious. Best not to think about it too much. Just let it happen. It's chilly today. Great weather.

9:10PM
Just got off the phone with mom. I'm tired and was having trouble talking....like I couldn't think of the right words to say and I thought, "Oh shit, she's going to think I'm drunk and I'm not! I'm really not!"  But this will be my life forever-- convincing people I'm sober. *sigh*

Today has been o.k. Met with my IOP dude (that's his official name). Session was weird. I shared a lot of stuff in a 50 minute period and then it was like, "OK, we're done!" and that was that. I know we're on a schedule, but it just felt like an odd ending.

Not thinking about tomorrow. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.

Shoot 'em up!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

12:05PM
@ The folks home (sounds like "the old folks home" but it's not....).

Did not go to AA last night and not sure I'll go tonight. But still o.k. Even though, I opened mom & dad's refrigerator and what's the first thing I see? An ice cold Samuel Adams. Mmmmmm. But it didn't really faze me. Come on. I was @ mom & dad's. It wasn't like I was boozing it up back in the day at their house. Not a real trigger. I notice it's gone now. Probably a good idea. I hope they moved it and I didn't actually drink it and have no memory of that....

4:45PM Home
Mom let me shoot her BB gun towards the street. So much fun & addictive. I could do that all day! No wonder grandma loves it.

Food, food, food, food, food

Saturday, September 10, 2011

5:15PM
I feel a little lost. OK, a lot lost. Mom & I went to garage sales this morning, then did a bunch of shopping. Probably wore her out. I know it did me! I got home, sorted through my stuff, then I didn' tknow what to do. Read. Tried to nap. Now I'm up & again I don't know what to do. I might be hungry. Eating is a weird thing to me @ home. Like last night...I was hungry but didn't eat but a few grapes and Chex Mis while playing cards (so fun!). But today, out with mom, ate quite a bit, but then got home and my stomach was growling and I don't want to eat. WTH is that about? I have to force myself to eat. Geez. I just feel lost. Like I can't NOT do anything but even thinking about mediation isn't appearling because I feel too wired, but I also feel heavy with tiredness. Again, WTH?

I had the thought, when I got home today, that I don't want to go to AA tonight @ 7 and hoped my mind would change after a nap. That didn't happen. Am I going to fail if I don't go to an AA meeting every day?

Just me & my thoughts...

Thursday, September 8, 2011 Continued....

7:25PM
I'm home. Got back around 5PM. Brother picked me up @ folks home. It's weird. Surreal. Cats seem fine- to have missed me. Need to clean the apartment-- My God-- I didn't really think about how dirty it would get in 30 days. Friend left me a gift-- 12pk of Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi @ gift card. So nice!! 

Miss the enthusiasm of the Ridge. Can't believe I just said that. God life is going to be so weird. It's 7:30 and I'm just now making dinner. My stomach is growling but it feels weird to make dinner & eat.  Who knew this would be a trigger?

Snapped the rubberband a few thousand tiems. So far, so good. No serious cravings. Mostly just my thoughts.

Moving day....

Thursday, September 8, 2011

It's my day to leave!

Mom & Dad will be here around 11.  Thank God. I'm packed & ready to go.

How do I feel? Excited. Anxious. Just keep picturing my apartment and the cats and tonight and tomorrow night and Saturday and Sunday.  And then it gets a little less clear. At elast I have AA meetings set up to attend. I can do it. I'm not anxious about that yet, though I think I'm going to go to one Friday a.m. I'm more anxious about keeping up the exercise. Walking the trail or biking the trail @ home. I know how I am. I get anxious doing things alone. But if I get someone to do that with me, then I'm less flexible about when & where they want to do anything. I'm such a dork. I'd love to set up a volleyball team but how do I do that? How does that work?

I need to think about what I'm going to talk to the staff about one week from now:
"This is a disease. It's a choice to use a mood-altering substance but once it becomes an addiction, the person is robbed of that choice. The disease is chronic and incurable though there are preventative techniques. How only 1 in 10 are successful. However, once a person has the tools to manage the addiction, it is their responsibility.  Accountability, support groups, continued treatment, etc are all needed to maintain sobriety. That I know the stigma, sterotypes and misperceptions of alcoholism and I'm understanding of them, but don't be surprised if I get defensive with people who hold those ideas. I struggle constantly with feelings of unworthiness, low self-esteem and low self-confidence-- that I am undeserving of love and in general a piece of crap. These are feelings/thoughts I've had of myself for 3 decades and they aren't going to change overnight. Bear with me. If you see me snapping a rubberband on my wrist or deep breathing, these are tools to help me deal with the urges & triggers. I'll be thought-stopping and urge-surfing and constantly doing positive self-talk, "I'm smart enough, I'm good enough and doggone it, people like me!"  I'm still me and hopefully a better me than you've known this past year.  I'm still going to have grumpy, irritable days-- doesn't everybody? I may cry and I'm learning that it's o.k. to do that and let it out. I'm going to feel a lot of pain and have to learn how to feel it and deal with it appropriately. I do not have depression or bipolar disorder. I'm not on any meds @ this point and neither my counselors nor myself think that's needed at this point. They say to wait 90 days of sobriety before going on any meds to see if being sober helps with any mental illnesses.  I do have incredible anxiety but as of yet, the cause has been the alcoholism. Without it, the anxiety has decreased.

It's going to be so weird leaving here. Have gotten emails from "Nicole". She's bored. God that will be my downfall. Boredom. And I keep thinking about drinking. That WAS my life. It isn't now!

Brush, floss, brush, floss....Really?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

My last full day!  Didn't wake up anxious, thank God. I'm ready to go home.

Got a new roommate yesterday. Did I say I'm ready to go home?

Hygiene Class: Good God. At least I got a free toothbrush, toothpaste, and floss.  Why do addicts get stereotyped into being non-hygienic? Like none of us know how to brush our teeth? There ARE one or two people in here who could certainly use this class but the majority of us don't. Hell, 1/2 the people in here only have one tooth!

OP "Shane" is here. Dammit. Only one more day of his annoying self!

Later.....
OP "Shane" went to OP evenings!  Hot damn!

I think I can, I think I can...

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Two days left & I'm nervous as hell.  Met with Chuck the Counselor this a.m. He said I have a healthy respect for the addiction and that's why I'm nervous. Not because I doubt myself. Thought-changing. Because I absolutely doubt myself. He said to picture 2 people on my shoulders and the one of doubt is bigger and yelling louder. I need to give the other one steroids to get bigger.  I'm supposed to say, "I CAN" instead of "I can't". O.k., O.k. And why the hell do I have such little confidence? Why, why, why? It's freaking depressing.

So in an hour I have small group and will be passing out rules. Just going to say, "these have never been given to me so I thought it'd be a good idea to go over them...Let's respect the people who are speaking; listen and communicate one person at a time."  Will be interesting.

1PM- I really am excited to go home. It might not sound like it but I really am. Really. I'm excited to get to my apartment. I keep picturing it. I'm most looking forward to seeing Elvis & Chica. I'm looking forward to quiet time!

Sad, sad day...

Monday, September 5, 2011

"Nicole" left @ 10AM. That was so hard. We hugged. I didn't want to let go. I cried. I could still cry. She's been my constant companion through my whole 26 days. I'm going to be lost these next 3 days without her. And then I go home. I'm trying so hard not to dwell on it and to just live in this moment. It's Labor Day so we pretty much have the whole afternoon off. We get to grill out for lunch then visitation/movie/free time from 2-5PM. I finally got my Shuffle charged so will be spending quiet time. I'm so tired of people talking all the damn time. They'd get so much more out of classes if they'd just pay attention. I'm our small group leader until Thursday. I'm going to try to get folks to stop the sidebars when others are talking and to shut "Stephanie" down since she tends to talk A LOT and I need to stop the interruptions and to allow those speaking to finish a thought. 

Good Lord, 25 more minutes of these idiots-- I really wish "Stephanie" would shut the fuck up.  God I miss "Nicole". She'd tell her what's up...

I spent the afternoon outside, laying in the sun on a blanket, earbuds in place, reading a book. Nobody bothered me except "R" did come get me for smoke break...So nice!  I got burnt. About time. This white dude needed some freaking sun.

Graduation Day!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

I woke up today and saw a bunch of suitcases behind the CA desk while I was waiting for my cigarettes. I asked "Robert", "Who's coming in?"  He just shook his head.  "Ooooh", I said, "Who left?"  He told me "Keith".  My roommate? Huh? What the hell did I miss last night?

Apparently a lot and I slept right through it.  "Keith" decided around 11:00 to pack up & leave...in a huff....because of "Robert".  I'm sorry, but I wouldn't allow the personality of anybody to make me leave.  Yes, these people drive me crazy, but those people are everywhere in the world and if you can't deal with them in a safe and secure environment like rehab, then you're not going to be able to deal with them anywhere and a person would have to move to a shack on a mountain to survive.  Idiots.

Family coming today!! 

10:40PM
Family arrived @ Noon. Traveled all over and went shopping. So much fun just to spend time with them.

Graduation was good & fun & heartfelt. I'm glad I went. "Nicole" leaves tomorrow and I'm really sad. Really, really sad. "She's" been my own personal comedian the whole time I was here. Going to be tough.

Hyped up....

Saturday, Septembe 3, 2011

8:30AM
My first 4-hour pass today.  A cab is picking me up @ 12:30 to go to the 'spa' at 1 for a haircut & pedicure. Drank too much coffee this morning. I'm hyped up.

12:45PM
Cab was late. Forgot me. Not a good sign. She has no teeth, but seems very nice. Got to appt. in time.

4:30PM
Appt. over. Not very relaxing. Girl didn't know how to cut hair even though she's only 2 months away from graduation! And pedicure was nothing like the ones I get back home. I can't wait to get back to my own hairdresser!  Cab driver was on time to pick me up but took me a 1/2 hour to get back to the Ridge. Glad I planned enough time in b/t, otherwise I'd probably be in trouble. 

*sigh*

Welcome Floostina Drunkilera!

Friday, September 2, 2011

Not a good day. What little confidence I had is shot. Fuckin' shit.

I had a good chair in group and a foot rest and a good spot and then we all had to move and now I have a shitty chair, no foot rest and no head rest and it all fucking pisses me off and makes me want to cry. My frustration level is super-high, I'm scared, and my confidence is totally shot and I'm brealy keeping it together. Really not a good day.

So, what do I need to do? Examine my feelings.

• I'm afraid I'm going to fail.  In fact, I'd say I've got an 80% chance of failing, maybe even higher.
• I'm irritable. Why? Because of being confined with 30 other addicts with different maturity levels and different personalities. Not a good environment for me.
• Nervous about taking a cab tomorrow, my haircut, seeing family on Sunday, graduation Sunday night, and leaving on Thursday. Nervous!
• Nervous about my "unscheduled" appointments when I get home.  And work. 

Do you know how much absolute shame I will feel if I don't even make it one week? And does it really matter? Yes, goddammit, it does. I will lose my family-- their love & support. I will lose Elvis & Chica. I will lose my job. I will lose respect. I will lose my home. I will lose my friends. And again, does any of that matter? Will my brain forego the craving and the urge b/c of all of those reasons? Right now, I can't say that it will. And that scares me. And how do I change that? Thought stopping? Stop thinking about it? How can I? Obviously I need to deal with it. Opposite Action? I feel like shit and want to cry, yell, punch someone, tell these people to fuck off-- so opposite action is don't do all that-- keep my mouth shut? That's what I'm doing, but I'm still thinking all this shit. Radical Acceptance? Accept myself as I am? Why would I? I don't want to accept this at all! I don't want to accept the fact that I feel this way and want to drink. Bad concept. I feel like a fucking failure. 23 days here and 26 days sober and I'm failing.

Later....
New roommate. I'm so old.

Later still....
Feeling better. Just stopped thinking altogether.  Feels like I had a lobotomy. Much needed.

My new nickname? Floostina Drunkilera. Love it.

Do you do sterilization?

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Had a Family Planning class this morning. Pointless.  One hour of my life, wasted in an uncomfortable chair. Discussed condoms. Birth Control.

"Lars" left today. "He" was so nice & kind. I hope he does o.k.  "Troy" called last night. Good to hear from 'him'.

Good God, now she's talking about Depo and she's pretty much got it wrong so now I know she doesn't know much. What a waste of time.

There are so many people here-- all of age-- but with the maturity levels of 12 year olds. It's really scary.  One of the first days I was here, one resident said to another, "What age did you start using?"  The other one said, "14".  Resident 1 said, "Then that's how old you really are...." and it makes total, perfect sense.  So my addiction started 7 years ago at the age of 29 so YEAH, I'M ONLY 29! 

Back to family planning....If this is how my day is going to be, I'm going to be annoyed all day long!  I wish I could ask if they do sterilization.  There are plenty of folks who should be....me included.

Later....
Got an email reply from my boss. My plan sounds good to him.
Got in touch w/ an IOP back home. First come, first serve (we know this isn't true, don't we?).

Later still....
That IOP shit almost broke me. It's too freaking hard and I'm scared enough as it is, then not having anything definite set up is really frustrating and scary.  I'm not freaking out yet but damn sure, I will be. Maybe I'm not freaking b/c I know I'm going to fail. Oh Lord.

Met w/ "Ray" after 5:45 smoke break. Got out of "Robert's" rain-stick craft. Though "Ray's" struggling and I'm freaking useless. 'He' & I are so much alike. I don't want 'him' to leave, I don't want 'him' to hurt himself but how does someone who has daily, hourly cravings and who has no confidence in 'himself' tell another person to "hang on-- it'll get better-- just don't leave"?  Not well, that's how. Just talking to him and trying to help him made me feel so futile, like, what's the point? God-freaking-damn-it. What if I get out of here and drink the next goddam day? Big fucking FAIL.  No one can hold my hand every day. No one can walk me to AA or to IOP. No one but me. Damn it. Our group goal this week is "Only you can do it, but you don't have to do it alone".

Residents say, "Bask in the moment. Enjoy your weekend. You have plenty of time to worry."  Shit.

What have I learned here? Positive self-talk. I AM TOO WORTHY! Thought stopping. BIG RED STOP SIGN. Opposite Action. I want a drink. What's the opposite? Go to AA. Do you know how f-ing hard that's going to be?

Shit. Fuck.

Practice freaking patience!

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Today I emailed my boss my 'return-to-work' plan.

I really wish there was another support group besides AA back home. I want something that doesn't push the "higher power" on me. Give me science. Give me self-help, etc. I should start my own support group....

I'm so sick of these freaking idiotic, immature people babbling, sexist, racist, bigots. HICKS! Good God, is it impossible for people to sit still for 60 minutes & keep their mouths shut? Apparently so. Geez, I need to practice mindfulness and patience.

I practice so much freaking patience, it's ridiculous.

Yippee.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Aftercare plan is beginning to take shape, but it's slow. I have to wait on others. I hate relying on others. Damn.

There are 4 people @ the Ridge that I just ignore.  I'm choosing not to engage. It's tough because it seems like those 4 are everywhere I'm at. Shit.

Had 1:1 today. I have had zero, zip, none, nada opportunity to tell my personal story. I must be a really good listener or nobody thinks I have a story to tell or they just don't want to hear it. But dammit! We have 1:1 again Thursday and I'm finding someone to tell.  Someone who will allow me to speak openly & honestly and not interrupt or offer advice or consolation. Good luck, ME, on finding that.

Later...
Told "Nicole" we were doing 1:1 together Thursday. Not sure how I feel.

Weigh-in was today. No loss, no gain. Sucks! Gotta get rid of this beer weight. I feel like I should not only be sober after 28 days. I should be in better shape, too. 

I no longer have bathroom duty.

Holy Shit.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Three people graduated Sunday night: "Lars", "Mike" and "Jamie".  It was a good graduation ceremony. But today is Monday and HOLY SHIT, I graduate this Sunday! Ho-leeeeeeee Shit.

Later....

Scheduled my passes for this weekend. Saturday 12:30-4:30 (pampering @ the 'spa' and I use the term 'spa' lightly...) and Sunday Noon-4PM with family.  Chuck the Counselor met with me, though, and was concerned about my scores. They're the same as last week.  I told him I woke up today feeling complacent-- like the routine is becoming too routine.  This coming from a completely routine person.  Will have to fight the complacency!

Later still......

Filled out my passes and scheduled my appointments. Made it through today without tearing anybody's head off or falling asleep.  I'm so freaking tired-- physically and emotionally.  And tired of people. Only 9 more days! I can't wait to see the family on Sunday-- and then graduation. Holy Moley.

We make plans & God laughs....

Sunday, August 28, 2011

And back @ the Ridge.....

I made a lot of plans on the 28th. 

• Plans to contact someone locally about AA meetings.
• Plans to contact an IOP (intensive outpatient) program.
• Plans to discuss with Chuck the Counselor (it's like he's a superhero) about work & home.
• Plans to then email/call my boss about such plans.

Everbody keeps saying, "Sobriety is the most important thing in your life right now."  Yeah, but.....I still have to work, I still have to pay the bills, I still have to feed the cats (& myself, I guess).  So even if sobriety is the "most important thing", it doesn't make a bit of difference if I can't survive financially. 

"I'm just so fucking depressed/ I just can't seem to get out this slump..." Eminem

Saturday, September 17, 2011

This is going to be a dark, dark blog. Not a happy blog. There will be no rainbows, lollipops, unicorns, or Strawberry Shortcake characters.  Though there may be a puppy. Hold out hope.

Mom & I went to visit the family in M'town today. This blog has absolutely nothing to do with any of those 4 fantastic women. I should rephrase-- the crappiness of this blog has absolutely nothing to do with those women nor the fun day (really!) I had with them. This blog has to do with my literally fucked-up brain.  Yes, "Nicole", our brains are most definitely fucked up.

How can I spend a day with 4 fabulous female family members and still feel the way I'm feeling right now? How can I spend a day with these women, laughing.....

.....and feel so empty & alone? Apparently, I can. My fucked up brain can.

Mom & I left and for a good 45 minutes, I had an internal meltdown while Mom sat right next to me, humming to the noise of the car and reading her book. I couldn't say anything!  I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't, because I knew if I started, 1) it would freak her out and 2) I'd start crying and my vision would be blurred and I'd probably wreck the car. Not a good scenario. Tears, thoughts of drinking and how I could drink tonight and no one would probably know and how  badly I don't want to do this anymore. Dark, dark, dark thoughts. Too dark to subject you to in this blog.

Drinking would feel so good right now because my fight would be over. I've only been fighting for 9 days out of rehab, for pity's sake, and I'm already worn out, beat up, tired, tired, tired. I've said over & over, "I'm not strong enough for this" and I'm starting to believe that I'm really not. Drinking would numb all these shitty-ass thoughts I'm having and yes, I'd probably do something completely irrational (like drinking wouldn't be?) but isn't that the whole point? To get out of my goddamn head?

So, you ask, "How did you get off this horrible ride?"

I got tired. I had to concentrate driving through DM so I wouldn't kill mom in a tragic accident and feel even shittier than I already do.

How do I feel right now at this very moment, sitting in my apartment with no beer in sight? Fucking miserable. For so many reasons...the main one being, how could I feel this way after spending the day with people I love so, so much and who love me so, so much?

"Nicole" said the other night, "Our brains are really fucked up". No shit, sherlock. Thank you for stating the obvious. I could be the goddamn poster child for "Fucked up Brain".

I am not well.  I am most definitely not well.  But so far, I'm not drinking. I'm blogging to the blogosphere. Congratulations.

I thought of this poem all the way home....I've had it with me for 21 years. Tell you anything? This isn't a new fight I'm fighting. It's a very old, very strong, very cunning fight I've had for 2 decades. Nothing is ever new.

Peter Meinke, The Hearts Location
all my plans for suicide are ridiculous
I can never remember the heart's location
too cheap to smash the car
too queasy to slash a wrist
once jumped off a bridge
almost scared myself to death
then spent two foggy weeks
waiting for new glasses
of course I really want to live
continuing my lifelong search
for the world's greatest unknown cheap restaurant
and a poem full of ordinary words
about simple things in the inconsolable rhythms of the heart

I didn't even say anything to mom and dad while I was at their home. It's a tricky feeling...I obviously want to share (hello, blog), but I don't want to scare anyone; I don't want to disappoint anyone (why the fuck can't you just STOP? why the fuck can't you just CHANGE?); I don't want to feel that shame; I don't want to rely on anyone.  That's the crux of it.  No one can save me from this. I have to save myself. Yes, rehabbers, I know what you're going to say...."but you don't have to do it alone."  Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.  Nobody can sit with me all day & all night, take my hand and drag me to AA, make me stop having these cravings and thoughts.  Nobody but me.  And "Me" ain't doin' so good.

So as not to end on a sad/bad note, this is what welcomed us as we got to the folk's home:



Scooter



How can anyone not be happy holding this little creature?  The feeling was fleeting....that's how.

But, I've been blogging to you for almost an hour and still no booze so things are looking up.  If I can just make it through this night, I'm sure tomorrow will be a brighter, better day. Thank you for reading, fellow bloggers. And no, don't worry, don't call, don't knock my door down.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS....



"If I've said 'I love you' once, that covers forever!"

Saturday, August 27, 2011

MOM & DAD! MOM & DAD! MOM & DAD!

Guess what? Mom & Dad visited this day.  I was so incredibly nervous before they arrived. Had very bad dreams the night before. But once they got there, all was good. Matrix session was good & helpful but most helpful was meeting w/ counselor Chuck after lunch.

Learned dad's mom was an orphan at age 6 or 7 or 8. Foster homes. Then wound up at great grandma's house and son fell in love with her and they married. Apparently in the 30's, children in foster homes were slave labor. Did not know that. And dad learned his sensitivity from her. Odd to me. And mom- found out she thinks "If I've said I love you once, it covers forever...I'll tell you if it changes." And Chuck said, "Are you Norwegian?"  Yes, yes she is. Go figure! So mom realized it isn't going to hurt anything to say "I love you" to me more often because I need that. A lot of people don't. They just know. I don't. I don't know. Because, well, let's face it, I'm unlovable.

Next week is going to go fast. I'm so scared to leave!!!

You don't have to share every thought in your head.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Roommate is quiet & clean, though very, very naive.

Today's good day. I hate the downtime between things-- b/t exercise & mindfulness; b/t breakfast & smoke break.

Man, people are driving me crazy. They're so annoying. Disrupting, obnoxious, centers of attention, sharing every thought in their heads, burping loudly (OP Shane), just stupid, stupid, stupid. It's really nice when folks go to off-site AA and the Ridge is practically empty & quiet. I always sign up to go but am so annoyed by everybody by the end of the day, that I end up staying @ the Ridge. I just need a break from all of them.

"Be yourself because everyone else is taken."

Diary Post

Thursday, August 25, 2011, 8:20PM

"Pretty good day. My chore for the last week has been cleaning the women's bathroom. Not a bad chore (b/c then I know it's clean). I wake up @ 6AM, clean the bathroom, shower if I didn't the night before, then cig break @ 6:50AM. Finish getting ready of not done. Get online if a good CA is here. Then mindfulness @ 7:45 and breakfast @ 8.  8:45 smoke break. 9AM today was education w/ Lorrie-- all about stereotypes & stigmas. She's good. Then smoke break @ 10. 10:15 is Matrix where we talked about triggers-- mine are work, the gas station & grocery store ("the grocery store is my dealer" --Nicole). Then 11:15 is Daily Diary Cards. My #'s are o.k. Still not confident and not sure yet if committed. Working on that. Then lunch @ Noon-- BLT's today. Smoke break @ 12:45PM. "Nicole's" funny comment of the day: "It's like the children have left the building and only the adults remain...." Well, sort of-- we still have 2 or 3 idiots here. 1:00PM was DBT w/ Chuck. We started with mindfulness in the Large Group Room and listened to Melissa Etheridge's "Precious Pain." Good--need to download it. Then went to small group and working on what are values are. Helpful. I like Chuck. Then 2:45 smoke break. 3:00PM was a speaker, Jay Hanson, Director of Prairie Ridge. I think it's odd that this is the first I've seen & heard of him. But he was good-- just wanted feedback on everything. FourPM was 1:1- "Nicole", "Kim", "Mike" and "Lars" and I all got together, even though it's supposed to be ONE ON ONE. It was good. We just bitched about all the annoying people. Then 5- supper- some sort of meat and mashed potatoes w/ gravy & CHOCOLATE PUDDING!  5:45 smoke break. 6PM we made balloon stress balls with "Robert"- gag- though "he's" starting to be o.k. Then "Lars" and I went for a walk- No volleyball which I miss, but they're all idiots so it's no fun playing. When we went to the weight room and jacked around in there. Think I might do more of that. Shower @ 7:20PM, 8PM quiet reading time or AA meeting (guess which I chose) then 9PM smoke break. Will be going to bed after I check email. Haven't received any today :(  Got a new roommate: "Kevin". Another 18 year old. God help me. I just hope "he's" clean & quiet. We'll see."

I don't feel validated...

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Lots to say about today, but to sum it all up.....

I'm annoyed.

I'm tired of advice, strong suggestion, being told what to do, how to feel, or that what I'm feeling is "wrong".

I'm definitely not feeling very validated.

Did I want to drink? Certainly. Did I? Nope. Instead of chugging beer, I'm chugging coffee.

The shit hits the fan....

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

I have alcoholism. Saying this, rather than "I'm an alcoholic" helps me realize I have a disease. I am not the disease.

It is not my fault that I have alcoholism. It is, however, my responsibility to manage those symptoms once I know how.

1:10pm
The users are out, including my roommate "Duane" and his boyfriend. Happy to see them go. Sad about the other resident that was also kicked out immediately. Sad, sad, sad. The Ridge doesn't put up with any shit. Once you're told you're breaking the rules, you're expected to stop breaking them. If you continue to break the rules, you're out. Passing pills and you're out immediately. Why the hell come to treatment and continue to use? No comprehende.

What's mostly depressing to me is this:  We score ourselves daily (Daily Diary Card) on our Commitment to Sobriety; Confidence in achieving sobriety; Throwing ourselves into Treatment; Abiding by the Rules; Our personal increase, decrease and skill for the week; and our Group goal.  These people's numbers were SO HIGH in Daily Diary. They had me fooled. I thought they were really doing well.  Guess what. They weren't and they were lying to us and themselves. Pissed me off.

Good news: Received a peace lily from the Trustee's. Perfect timing. Mom and Dad are coming to Family Matrix on Saturday. Excited.

Download Melissa Etheridge's song "Precious Pain".
Visit http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/-- daily diary, mindfulness videos.

I'm a mouse....

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I woke up today, looked at the daily board which said "Tuesday" and I thought, "It's Monday, isn't it?" But no. It really is Tuesday. The days all seem the same.

Google "Sidney Cohen experiment with mice & cocaine".   This experiment sticks with me more than any other. Mice, due to eons of evolution, run to the dark.  When you turn on your kitchen light and see a mouse, what does it do? It scurries to the dark...under the refrigerator, stove, etc.  They do that to protect themselves, their very lives, from predators.  So what would happen if cocaine was introduced to a mouse in the light?  Cohen put a mouse in a box. When let out, it would automatically run to the dark.  Cohen forced the mouse into the light and fed it a very small amount of cocaine. When released from the box again, the mouse ran into the light....for more cocaine. 

This is how it is with addicts.  Why would a person-- me, for example-- risk losing my job, my home, my cats, my car, my family for booze?  I wouldn't. Unless I had a disease that robbed me of my choice.  Yes, I chose to begin drinking. I did not choose to become an addict. They are two different things and I hope the general population understands that.  I'm not holding my breath.

Counselor Chuck and I met. I'm now to picture a big, red STOP sign in my head every time I start feeling fear and lack of confidence related to work. I HAVE A MASTER'S DEGREE! I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED A LOT AT WORK! I AM SMART! I AM GOOD!  Ummmmm, yeah. Going to take some time.

Crack is whack!

Monday, August 22, 2011

So "Duane" never used crack as far as I know, but he might as well have. Woke up @ 3:30AM to strip his bed. Then set his alarm for the next 5 minutes. Rude.

Received emails from 2 church people.

My foot tattoo has become the mantra: "This too shall pass."

Received another email from another church person. WTH? What was said in church yesterday? Annoyed.

DBT class was tough. Hard to discuss when 2 people dominate the conversation. Makes the rest of us think, "Why bother?"

Really concerned about going back to work. Have I lost all respect? How long will it take to earn it back? Oftentimes, saying 'sorry' isn't enough. Earn trust through action.

Sad day....

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Started making bracelets. I can knock one out in 20 minutes. Relaxing.

Roommate "Duane" is driving me nuts.

I've got to shut-up. I'm venting too much about "Duane" and I'm just mean. That's why I'm evil. Why do I care so much when people don't follow the rules & get away with everything? Why do I care? Is it because I feel wronged? Or that it's unfair? Or that "I follow the rules, everybody else should have to"?  His toothbrush is on the floor (among other things) and I just left it there. He's dirty even though he showers for hours on end.

My other, good roommate graduates tonight and so does "Julie". Going to miss them both. How will I survive this place without them? They're my lunch-buddies!

Alcohol- Worst drug to detox from...

Saturday, August 20, 2011

I must not be that bad, then.

Bitter CA was in charge today-- "Robert". This person needs some serious therapy. I should know.

Attended the on-site AA meeting. I realized, while listening to the speaker, that I would need a group of recovering addicts to help me stay sober 'on the outside'-- people who know and understand.  The church, family & friends are supportive, but none of them have been addicted to anything. Might as well try explaining the atomic bomb to an elephant. Ain't gonna work.

Not much going on here...

Friday, August 19, 2011

Went on an excursion today to the Y. If my new roommate "Duane" is trying to keep his girlfriend, who is also at the Ridge, a secret, "he's" doing a pretty terrible job. But what do you expect from an 18-year old addict? Not much.

If I could have avoided the Y, I would have. Not worth the effort to go and I'd much rather simply stay in my safe, warm bubble of the Ridge.

God, Grant me the Serenity...

September 13, 2011

I'm straying again from my days at Prairie Ridge to tell you about my evening.

I received a "Where & When" book of local AA meetings from the person who did my eval/assessment. It's a handy book to carry with me at all times. There are meetings at all different times of day, all over the metropolitan area.  Locally, however, I have few choices. 

Tonight's meeting was in an area of town that I'm familiar with. Not one I frequent, but one I pass often.  The meeting was to begin at 6:30pm. I arrived at 6:20 and there were no cars anywhere near the location. I drove past 3 times until I finally noticed a lone person sitting inside.  I was informed the meeting didn't start until 7.  Fan-freaking-tastic.

I'm a judgmental person. Not something I'm proud of and I really try my damnedest to not judge a book by its cover. So when I walked into the location and saw one balding man with long hair (yes, balding w/ long hair) in a wife-beater and tats up & down his arms, I probably should have followed my gut instead of my heart on this one.  It was o.k. to judge tonight.  He seemed like a very nice person, but was in a bad situation with no skills to handle it this evening. 

More people came in. Black, white, Hispanic. Men, women, children (I say children b/c some looked 18). Not a single person, other than the original lone man, said one single word to me. No "welcome, glad you're here". No "Hope you come back!"  It was more like, "what the hell is this stranger doing here?" and "she looks like one uppity bitch."  I was in a t-shirt & jeans and wearing  Walmart flip-flops. If I'm uppity, well.......

We moved into a larger room to accommodate the amount of people. I was the only person on one side of the table, even though there were plenty of people to fill it.  They all decided to sit along the back wall and not at the table. Awkward? Yep, you betcha. It was like I had some contagious disease no one wanted to contract.  It's called respect & class.

But I didn't waver. I didn't cower. I even read the damn "How It Works" b/c I was the only damn person sitting there to read it. 

So chairman lone-man had an announcement to give this evening.  There's a federal prison halfway house down the road that allows/requires their residents to attend so many meetings per week and the chairman has to sign something saying they've attended.  His announcement this evening was that if things don't change from the halfway attendees, they won't be allowed to attend anymore.  From what I gathered, a new woman had attended a meeting and a halfway attendee hit on her.  This is blatantly against the "unwritten" rules of AA.  Though there are predators everywhere a woman turns....why would an AA meeting be any different? The woman hasn't been back. 

I can tell you why.

A halfway attendee didn't like this announcement, took the chairman outside to discuss it, all of the other halfway attendees followed and one minute later, the chairman came back in and said the meeting was over! He wasn't going to put up with that shit. So now, here's little 'ol white me sitting at a table surrounded by angry ex(?)-drug-dealer-gangsters pissed off at the chairman.  I got up & walked out. 

Bonus of the evening: I finally received my 30 day chip. I'm on day 37 of sobriety.

What an asshole.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Did not sleep well the previous night. I wonder why?

My morning was spent in "personal story" where someone from AA shares their life map with us.  The guy pissed me off within the first 10 minutes. He glorified his use- made his drunkeness sound delightful and fun--, bitched about his ex-wife for 15 minutes and bitched about psychiatrists, doctors, nurses, et. He lost me at that point. I didn't look at him the rest of the time and other people actually got up & walked out. Wish I had. He was a pretty horrible person who obviously needed more help than just being sober for 20 years. He also bitched about "the church" too.  What an asshole.

This day was a much better day. No crying. An obnoxious, rude, crude resident was more subdued than usual and I played volleyball again. Though I returned a spike from "Brenda" the 200lb CA and it popped a blood vessel on my wrist.  I turned to "Nicole" and said, "Do you think I should quit playing?" and by the look of horror on "her" face and then the laughter, I knew I should. "Brenda" took me inside to ice it.  The swelling went down and the bruises returned.  Volleyball kicks ass.

I hate crying...but I seem to do a lot of it.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

The dam will break.

But my morning thoughts were about real life. Isn't that what all people in residential treatment think about? Their release date. The first thing they'll do when they get home. Their after-care program. Not drinking. I couldn't imagine leaving. I couldn't imagine going back to work-- to life. Couldn't I just stay in rehab the rest of my life? In that safe, warm bubble?

I received a package from mom this day, along with 3 cards. The other residents were jealous by how much mail I was getting. It made me cry. I didn't deserve people's warm, caring, loving thoughts.

Week 1 was difficult.

During Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), I left. I left in the middle of 'mindfulness'. I was not very mindful. I was in the early stages of a complete and total meltdown. I hid in the bathroom. I sat on the chair and sobbed. I recall thinking, "So this is what it's like to sob" and continued to do so. I remembered what the resident the day before had told me..."Let it out..." and let it out I did. I sobbed for 2 hours in that damn bathroom.  I moved to the bathtub stall and sat in that chair with the curtain closed. Nobody knew I was there. What? Did they think someone was bathing at 2:00 in the afternoon while they should have been in class? Apparently. 

I was just glad I was left alone. There was no damn place in that entire freaking building to have a breakdown. There was no private place. I couldn't go to my room because the CA's (clinical assistant's) would know and wouldn't let me. Plus, my opiate-using roommate was in & out constantly. God forbid "he" actually sit through a class. There was no other place to go. By the end of my stay at the Ridge, it became a laughing moment to "hide out in the bathtub". 

The head CA finally found me and I met with my counselor and laughed with him over my meltdown. In the midst of it, I thought, "Fuck this. I'm not doing this again...Might as well get it all out in one shot"  and by God, I did.  My eyes were so swollen the next day, I wished I'd had sunglasses to hide.  I was ugly.

Why did I meltdown? Because it was time. Because I was feeling feelings I had shut down for so long and I didn't know how to deal with them.  I used to drink.  I couldn't drink at the Ridge. That's the whole damn point. I didn't think I was strong enough to do any of this; that I would fail miserably; that I would let myself and everybody around me, down. It was and is a heavy burden to carry. 

That evening was good. I had a good dinner and played volleyball for 1.5 hours. My arms were so bruised, I looked like a heroin addict who just finished shooting up 100 times. It was worth it to feel better.  Exercise every single day, even if you don't feel like it because it will make you feel better. Seriously. Who knew all those doctors and scientists would be right?

Let it out...

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

This day the dam started to crack. It didn't burst completely, but there was a definite leak. 

I'm talking about the dam I created to block my emotions.

For some reason, 5 days into treatment, I got teary. I had received an email from a co-worker and couldn't even reply because I knew just writing (typing) would set me off crying.  I was in the bathroom and another resident asked how I was doing and I sort of sighed and said, "fine", even though I obviously wasn't. The resident called me on it and said that wasn't a very convincing fine.  I started crying, then sucked it up and stopped it. "Buck up, lil camper!"  Only the resident kept saying, "let it out...it's good to let it out...."  Like hell.  I felt like all they want you to do is cry and make a big scene and 'let it out'.  Well hell, if I let it out, we'd flood. 

Shit fuck.

This perked me up:
"Hi, Hello, and How do you do?
I'm in treatment & so are you!
So let's hold hands
and let the day begin
Good luck to you
and may recovery win!" --TJ

Got a new roommate. "Duane". Coming off heroin so can't judge yet.

Journal quote at the end of the night: "I know I'm going to have to feel and deal with it at some point. I should do it early and move on, but what if I open the waterworks and they don't stop? That would be hell.  That's what I'm afraid of". 

Little did I know what would happen the next day.  If I had, I would have forced myself to "feel" and "let it all out" that evening, alone, in bed.

"Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten."

Monday, August 15, 2011

Why did I write in my journal like it was my diary? Why did I not write about the actual treatment, what I learned that day, who said what, etc, etc? No, instead I wrote shit like "Woke up at 5AM. Did the elliptical at 5:30 for 10 minutes. Showered, then smoked, then did one lap around the track."  Who the fuck cares about that shit?  Hell, what did I learn on Monday the 15th? I have no idea.

Here's what I do know.

I had my first alcohol-related dream. I was in treatment. I purchased a 12 pack of Bud Light Lime. I drank one and thought, "I can't believe they're letting me drink this!"  Then I thought, after only 1 beer, "This isn't helping-- it's not good."  As in, drinking isn't helping my treatment.  No shit, sherlock. At that point, my roommate's alarm went off at Midnight & woke me up. Thankfully.

We also watched the Fish dvd about the fish market in Seattle. 

• Play
• Make Their Day
• Be There
• Choose Your Attitude

My counselor in small group talked to the group about all of the cussing.  I had made a comment to him the Friday before...."How do you stand it? Every other word is 'fuck'!"  It drove me nuts the first week and then I converted. It was a little bit cathartic to just burst out with vile language. But now it's back to the real world and I'm having a tough time refraining from cussing every time I speak to my mom and dad. Not good. Not good at all.

I struggled with the amount of people in my "home" on Monday.  And the lack of peace & quiet. I wrote, "Man I want out of here, away from all these loud, loud people and get a freaking drink".  Obviously I didn't escape. I'm too lazy to plan something like that.

My favorite and most used quote while in treatment: "My face hurts from pretending to like you."  All I had to do was look at my constant companion "Nicole" and say, "My face hurts...." and "she" understood completely. 

Why does everything have to be so freaking hard?

I'm straying from my days at Prairie Ridge to blog about how I'm feeling today. Day 36 of sobriety. Day 4.5 out of the Ridge. Not a good day.

I don't know what happened. I woke up feeling good. I rode my bike this morning 5 miles and thought I'd collapse when I got off at the coffee shop. I sat outside on my balcony, soaking up the sun, petting my cats, reading and listening to music. It was a good morning, dammit.

I think it started going downhill when the person from work who has been doing my job while I'm away dropped off my paycheck (which I'm thankful to receive, don't get me wrong).  We chatted a little about the state of work, which I go back to on Thursday. It doesn't bode well for me that I'm feeling this awful already and I'm not even there yet.

Then I went to HFS to start Intensive Outpatient (IOP). I had called them while I was at the Ridge. They had told me to show up on Monday @ Noon (First come, first serve) to begin my treatment and to bring my discharge summary and original evaluation with me.  There must have been some serious miscommunication because when I arrived today, I was told that HFS would need to do their own evaluation at a cost of $140.00.  Of which, I would have to pay in full because my private health insurance doesn't cover any of this type of treatment. For God's sake. I just had an eval/assessment one month ago. I paid $160.00 for that. I'm not going to spend another 3 hours, paying more money, to do something I've already done. For pity's sake! I just got out of residential treatment. How stupid for an organization to want to do another evaluation. LOOK at what I'm bringing you! 

Needless to say, that broke me. I sat in my car and cried and yelled at my father, because who else could I yell at? I hope he understands. I think he does. I do not handle things well when they don't turn out the way I think that they should.  And why is that? Too deep to get into now.

I headed to my bank and as I sat in the drive-thru, I snapped my damn rubberband so hard, it hurt. It.Hurt. And it also felt good. It made me stop thinking about drinking, because, obviously that's directly where my mind turns when dealing with shit.  I left the bank and drove to the grocery store, list in hand. It did not include beer. Amazingly, I made it out of there, $86.00 lighter, with no booze. I bought myself a pie and ice cream instead. Might as well get fat off good-tasting food if I can't get fat off of booze, right? Plus, I felt I deserved a treat. I bought salad, mushrooms, olives, grapes...healthy shit. I deserved this goddamn pie.

I got home and wrote in my journal. There's a lot of "fuck" in that journal that I won't subject you to. But I made myself do at least one thing. Just one.  It was to call another person who might be willing to do IOP with me.  He answered and I have an appointment today at 4:30pm. 

I'm still on the verge of tears. I still want to drink so badly, it's an ache inside of me. And I still have the thought, "why not? who gives a shit? so what if I end up jobless, homeless, on the street? my life isn't worth living anyway." 

Yet, I'm walking out the door right this instant to go to my damn appoinitment. This guy better be good.

Are my feelings validated?

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Every morning the residents had "mindfulness" in the dining room before breakfast. This particular morning, one of the residents read something that struck me and made me think..."Are my feelings validated?"  Are my feelings of unworthiness, unlovability, undeservingness validated?  I thought about everything my parents did for me during this period...talked me off the ledge, found a counselor, appeared at my door and spent the night, took me to the movies, kept me busy, detoxed me at their home, drove me 3 hours to treatment, paid for treatment...all to help me stay sober.  They said they loved me.  I finally believed it. And not just by them. By my cousin, my grandma, my aunt, my brothers,  my friends, my co-workers.  I believed it.

I just don't feel worthy of it, still, to this day. 

My counselor, Chuck, attempted to help me with this. His suggestion? Every time I started feeling unworthy, I was to repeat in my head 15 times, "I am too worthy, I am too worthy, I am too worthy" or a variation of SNL's Stuart Smalley, "I am smart enough. I am good enough. And doggone it, people like me!" 

I seem to have slipped from this recitation since I've been home.

Saturday's were mostly boring at the Ridge unless you had visitors. I didn't have any visitors my first weekend there, which was a good thing. I was still too raw to have visitors. I was like a baby learning to walk. I needed to get my feet steady underneath me before I could have visitors. 

My thinking on this particular Saturday was on work. I realized day 2 was still too early to think about it, but I did and couldn't help myself. "How do I go back to work? How do I go back to a place I've been so unhappy at for so long?"  Not that 'work' per se had anything to do with my unhappiness.  Work was collateral damage of my drinking.  My unhappiness was a direct result of my using.  I'm a planner and having a plan calms me down. I had no plan on Day 2 and that freaked me out.

At 6:25pm that evening, I wrote, "Why am I so comfortable here?"  It was unusual for me to be comfortable around so many people, away from home, rooming with someone, using a public restroom, smoking on a schedule, eating on a schedule...It was all so unusual, yet I was so comfortable.  Why? Because I was surrounded by people who knew exactly what I was going through and who truly understood the whole damn thing.  I didn't have to explain anything to anybody because they knew.

I played volleyball for the first time this evening.

I was freaked out by another resident who had been there 3 weeks and still shook so badly, she couldn't draw for Pictionary.

Quotes for the day:

• "Comfort the disturbed. Disturb the comfortable."
• "Talk to people who are not going to accuse, criticize or minimize."  (Probably the most important quote I took away from the Ridge.)
• "Addiction=continued use of the chemical leads to continued use of addictive chemicals."
• "Using a mood-altering substance is a choice. Addiction is a condition that robs a person of choice and dictates the frequency, the quantity and the nature of use."  (Second most important quote.)
• "Searching for the cause of an addiction (such as emotional/family problems) is usually non-productive. Addiction is the primary condition."