"I will be dressing for Halloween this year...don't want to scare the kids too much!" -Maxine

I should just leave the bat in my bedroom for the whole day & night and invite the trick-or-treaters inside to see it. I'd probably be arrested. "Hey little boy! Want to come into my bedroom to see something really scary?" Yeah, I'd be arrested. Plus, with it still in there, I can't do anything but move from one door to the next, hoping it hasn't squeezed through a crack anywhere. No matter what, I keep glancing in that direction....from the safety of my living room. It's annoying. I suppose if Elvis isn't meowing his head off, that's a good sign.

I think I may throw up.

How long has it been in there? Was that the noise I heard in my vent TWO WEEKS AGO? Did it fight it's way through the vent today when I turned the heat on? Where else could it have come from? Had to be the vent, right? Not a window....or a crack...or did I bring him in with me after watching Dad install gutter guards? Is that possible? Did he come in through my dryer vent? HOW THE HELL DID HE GET IN HERE AND ARE THERE MORE OF THEM?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Here's what I "get" from this incident. I'm a little girl. I'm a scared, little girl. I'm a scared, little girl who hates flying rabies-infested rodents.

When I woke up to it, thankfully I'd fallen asleep with my bedside lamp on so I could see it. Elvis was sitting next to me on the bed. It was flying circles over me. I think I said, "What the fuck?!?" and then yelped when it dive-bombed us, threw the covers over my head and panicked.

You never know how you're going to react in these situations. Now I know. I'm a scared, little girl who hides under the covers.

I kept peeking out from under the covers to see where it was. If it had landed on my bed....*shudder* I don't even want to think of that possibility. When it finally "landed" on the doorframe, I jumped out of bed, ran to the other door, slammed it shut, ran around to the door it had landed on, yelled at Elvis to stop meowing at it and get the hell out of the room, and slammed that door shut. Actually, that door doesn't shut all the way because it's too tight, so there's a pinkie-sized crack all down the frame.

Uh-oh. Elvis just went into the kitchen and is staring at that door. I need to go check.

Whew. No sighting.

Then I found a towel to stuff under the "normal" door because it has a crack at the bottom. There's nothing I can do about the door it's hanging out on with the crack down the inside, because I sure as hell am never opening that door again. Ever. That bat can just have my bedroom. It can enjoy my fan and my t.v. and my not-so-comfy bed and my quilts and my noise machine and my library book which will never be returned and DAMN! I set my alarm for this morning! It's going to go off at 7:00AM! Shit, shit, shit!

Well, I'm just going to have to call Dad before 7:00AM. Actually before 6:30 because that's when they go to coffee.

*sigh*

I need a butterfly net.

"I was going to rake my backyard, but it seemed easier just to declare the whole thing one big compost pile." -Maxine

Wednesday Dad came over to clean out my gutters since they were overflowing and it was going to rain. I decided to rake the leaves he shot out of the gutters and that were already covering my lawn.

I didn't make a dent.

This is what I hate about raking. You work your ass off, all to no avail.

It isn't raking that pisses me off or that's difficult. It's the squatting down, scooping up the leaves, standing and putting them in a bag. I was sweating my ass off. I didn't want to move anymore. After an hour. One hour. AND I'd already told a friend I'd go walking with her afterward. Idiot.

And within 5 minutes it didn't look like my dad or I had done anything.

My goal was to wait until all the leaves had fallen off the trees and then rake. Only do it once! However, I'm a bit embarrassed that you can't even see my lawn on the South side of the house. It's just leaves. *sigh* I used to love Fall.

And what's with this damn weather?!? 80 degrees today?!? Pisses. Me. Off. Come on, Mother Nature! Get with the program! It's late October! 60's MAX please. Grrrrrrrrr. I'm looking forward to next week when Mother Nature's hot flash passes.

It really sounds like I'm angry, doesn't it? But I'm not. I'm still in a fairly good mood. I haven't killed anybody, yet, anyway, so that's good.

Today I'm going to the doctor's office to get my regular shot + the flu shot. I've never gotten the flu shot before. I imagine it's like every other shot I've gotten in my life. I won't be able to use my arm for a couple of days. Then I get to go over to my brother's house and give his one dog, Shooter, his meds. Shooter got into some poison and almost died...but lived! I don't know what these drugs are doing, but whatever my brother needs, I'll do it. I did it yesterday and while it took me a minute to figure out I needed to squeeze Shooter's body between my legs to keep him in place, he didn't bite me or nick me at all. I hope today goes as well.

I jogged this morning. My plan was to run 3/4's of the way. I almost made it. When I first start out, my body protests (it's still in pain from Wednesday's raking debacle) but I just keep plodding along and it finally warms up and then my lungs start protesting and my heart hammers in my chest and I think I might be dying but I just keep trudging on. I almost had to use my pepper spray this morning but this particular dog's bark is worse than his bite....thankfully. I'm afraid, though, when I sit down for more than 5 minutes, I won't be able to get back up. My body is just one big pain. Will I ever be able to do anything physical and not be in pain?

This getting old shit is for the birds.

"I'm not what you would call a "self-starter". That's what coffee's for!" -Maxine

Not anymore, Maxine. Not anymore. After a week of getting an upset stomach every day after drinking coffee, I'd had enough. I haven't had any coffee since Friday morning and honestly, I don't miss it at all. I've converted to caffeine-free tea, which is nothing like coffee (no matter what people try to tell you; don't believe them; it's nothing like coffee) and I don't even drink that every morning. For the most part, my stomach has settled except yesterday morning when it felt like an alien was trying to escape and just about killed me. I called my mom from the bathroom floor. I thought I had the flu. I had my puke-bucket ready and everything....and then it passed and I mowed the lawn and felt fine the rest of the day. *eye roll*

So here's what I've learned: If some food I regularly eat (or liquid I drink) is causing me annoyance, then I'm fine giving it up.

This summer I was eating a turkey burger (w/ chips) every day for lunch. Every. Day. They're delicious. But then I got annoyed at how difficult it was to separate the frozen patties from each other and stopped eating them. The chips have been sitting on my counter, uneaten, for months. If I can't eat a turkey burger, I have no desire to eat chips. If I have to work for my food, forget it - I just won't eat. I've swapped out turkey burgers for easy-to-nuke Smart Ones meals.

So! Peanut Butter M&M's! If you'd make it more difficult and therefore annoying for me to open the package, I'd be able to put you down. Work with me here.

I took the weekend off from walking/jogging. I didn't go yesterday, either, because I mowed. I was worried this morning when I went, thinking I'd be starting from day one. It doesn't matter if I'm starting from day one or day 20 - I still can't run to save my life. I'm going to be the first to die during the zombie apocalypse....unless the zombies are like the Walking Dead zombies. Those dudes are slow. However, if they're like the Z Nation zombies - I'm as good as dead. I might as well just eat myself.

"Some people call it a sci-fi convention. I call it a desperate cry for help." -Maxine

I've been having some whacked-out dreams.

Last week, I dreamt that my boyfriend (an actual ex) was supposed to marry me but he ended up marrying some floozy 20 years younger than me. It was an awful feeling to wake up to.

Then I dreamt that my brother ran over Elvis (who looked like a gray/black striped cat in my dream) and while Elvis was still alive, his entire lower body was twisted 180 degrees. Not a good feeling to wake up to. I found Elvis in his bed next to my head and rained kisses on his stupid self and promptly fell back to sleep.

But last night's dream has to take the cake. I dreamt that I woke up this morning, walked out to the dining room/living room and found my television on. I knew something was wrong because I always turn it off before going to bed. And then I saw Chica (remember Chica?) walking towards me from the kitchen. I couldn't believe my eyes! I was so happy! She even had a patch of fur missing from her paw so I knew it was her. She was back from the dead! Even in my dream, I knew she was dead....so how could this be? And then I looked into the living room and saw Elvis sleeping under the window. But wait, Elvis is in the bedroom. There are TWO Elvis'! Now I know something is really wrong. I look out my front window and all of my porch railing is gone and my yard is missing its grass. I go to my side porch door and the trees have moved to within a foot of my door. I can barely open it to get out. I call Mom & Dad and they rush over and Dad (who's not Dad; I don't know who he looked like) said about my missing porch railing and grass, "Well, that'll happen. People will steal anything." and I screamed at him, "Then explain Chica's return & TWO Elvis'!! I'M CRAZY!!!!"

I think from all of that weirdness, I'm supposed to take away.....I'm crazy....and based on my dreams, I'd have to agree.

"Just because everybody's got a GPS these days doesn't mean I can't still tell 'em where to go." -Maxine

I was thinking last night as I listened to the rumble of the old beat-up piece-of-shit truck next door maneuvering through my yard: What I don't know can't hurt me. 

If I don't see it happening, then I don't know if it really happened or not and there's a slight chance it didn't (though the tire tracks in my yard were pretty damning evidence)...but if it didn't happen, then there's nothing for me to get upset about. So the grass is laid down in two perfectly even tire tracks? It's not like they did cookies in my yard. So what if now the truck is parked behind their house, facing my garage? It's not in my yard.

I swear, I'm seriously living next to the Beverly Hillbillies. I can't get a fence fast enough.

I went "running" this morning because yesterday I didn't....and I could tell. I so easily got pissed off at my neighbors (in my head, of course) and was glad I didn't own a gun. I've learned, the days I run or exercise in some way, shape or form, I'm in a better mood. So off I went this morning and was immediately in pain. Even though I think I ran more, I definitely hurt more, too. No dog attack this morning, so that was a bonus. Sad that it's a bonus when I don't get attacked by a large dog. No, I did not poo in my pants, though I've gone over the scenario in my mind several times and wonder: What are you supposed to do when a dog attacks? I just kept running. But what if he were really biting me? I don't think dog attacks are like bears where you're supposed to curl up into a fetal position and play dead. I'm pretty sure dogs think that's fair game & easier access. I can't imagine carrying a spray bottle with me. My whole body is one big cramp, including my hands, so I don't see being able to grip that the whole way. Pepper Spray!  It's small enough to carry in my zipped pocket and isn't heavy at all. Ahhh, I love it when I have an answer....Look out dogs, squirrels, perverts & feral cats - I'm armed!

I ran into another gentleman who walks a lot. He basically said, "What the hell are you doing?" and I flatly told him I've got to get rid of this fat ass.

I've pretty much told everybody I'm fat. I've told them I can't fit into any of my clothes. I've told them how disgusting I feel. I think it's all been a vain attempt to hear someone say, "You're not fat!" and until today, only my mother was kind enough to lie to my face. Thank you Mom! But on my walk, running into this gentleman and hearing him tell me "Well, you look good" made it all better. I know I'm not morbidly obese....but it's not a good feeling to wake up one day and not be able to fit into any of your clothes. If I had a job interview (yeah, right), I'd have to go get a pair of pants from Walmart because none of the 50 in my closet fit. It's utterly ridiculous to have so many clothes I can't wear. So I'm bound & determined to keep up this exercise for as long as I can....and keep trying to put down the PB M&M's.

"Fall is a tough season for weather forecasters...It's too cool to scare us with the heat index and too warm to scare us with the wind chill." -Maxine

I was accosted this morning while I was out walking/jogging.

Thankfully, there wasn't a hunter nearby taking aim at my fat ass....though the dog did chase me for about a block (nothing like a big-ass dog chasing you to make you run) and I wondered if he was going to take a chunk out of my hindquarter. I think he thought it was all a game. He'd run up to me, jump up at my face, take a nibble out of my arm and then run a few feet in front of me to wait for my lumbering self. Then he'd do it all over again, run, jump, nibble, run. And then he got bored and bounded away. Oh, to be able to run like a dog!

Remember when we were little and we ran everywhere? It was nothing! Now, after 20+ years of smoking a pack a day and eating whatever I want, I can barely run a quarter of a mile! I wish I could bottle up that youth and open it up when I want to just run....George Bernard Shaw (or Oscar Wilde, depending on who you ask) was right when he said, "youth is wasted on the young..."

I still hurt everywhere. My shoes certainly aren't doing me any favors. But the pain doesn't last as long nor is it anywhere near as bad as the first day. I almost didn't go out this morning and then thought: if I don't keep it up, when I start again it'll just hurt more. It's not making a bit of difference as far as I can tell but it makes me feel better. Yesterday it rained all day and I didn't go out. I imagine I could have walked/jogged in the rain but I was afraid I'd slip & fall. So I didn't do anything yesterday. I got dressed and then re-dressed into sweats when I got pissed off at how tight my clothes are & how fat I felt. I was grumpy all morning. So getting outside (or even staying inside) and doing a bit of exercise isn't just for weight-loss - it's for my damn mental health. I just have to keep it up...

Easier said than done.

"I don't want to say I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day." -Maxine

After yesterday, I didn't think I'd ever walk normal again and certainly I'd never jog again! My shins hurt the worst, my calves hurt, my thighs hurt, my back hurt, my arms hurt, my hands hurt - hell, even my face hurt after eating lunch on Thursday and locking up my jaw. I can't open my mouth to take a normal bite. I have to eat oatmeal or cut up my food into itty-bitty pieces.

I am literally falling apart.

But this morning I woke up and while my shins still hurt, they didn't hurt as bad and everything but my jaw seemed to be back to normal....so off I went....walking to warm up, a little bit of jogging, more walking and more jogging. When a good song came on my I-pod, I jogged. Until I thought I'd fall over dead of a heart attack and then I walked. I did the whole 1.2 mile circuit. While I can't hardly move my legs, I'm not hacking up my lungs like I was all day Thursday.....so.....improvement!

I've decided I'll more than likely never be able to run a 5K. I'll be proud of myself if I can run the 1.2 mile circuit I've mapped out for myself! So I don't see my brother & I doing any "fun runs" in the near future....And then I got notice via Facebook that my own little hamlet is sponsoring a 5K THURSDAY! Yeah, I'll be lucky if I'm able to walk again by Thursday.

Today, I packed away all of my jeans. All but one pair. I couldn't stand to look at them anymore, knowing I couldn't wear them. And I hung two pairs that Mom gave me. Now, my mom is a slender woman so when I asked her if she had any jeans that she could let me borrow, I didn't really hold out much hope that any would fit. Thankfully, she's one smart cookie and keeps a stash of too-large-jeans "just in case". We all need a "just in case" stash. Two pair were too small - two pair fit (one, barely). I couldn't lounge around in my sweats anymore - it felt too much like "getting ready for bed" at 9AM. So shout out of THANKS to my mom for always, always, always taking care of this fat ass.

"I'm on a fitness kick. Anybody mentions fitness, I kick 'em." -Maxine

I walk/jogged about a mile this morning. Eight-tenths of a mile to be exact. I think I may be dying. I may be having a massive coronary. I'm hacking up both lungs. I won't be able to get out of bed tomorrow. I'm wondering if it's possible to jog while dragging an oxygen tank.

Surprisingly, even with all that, it didn't actually kill me and was kind of fun to jog along alone while jamming to my music. Thank goodness for music.

I did call my younger brother last night and I'm going to look into an upcoming "run" we can do together. A 5K is 3 miles. I can barely do 1.  I have a long way to go....but I'll get there.

It was a bit muddy.

"I've got the best energy-saving device around. It's called a couch!" -Maxine

I'm down to one pair of jeans. I only wear them when I absolutely have to. As soon as I get home, I put on my sweats or anything with an elastic waist. I don't want to wear out the jeans. I don't want to damage them in some way. I don't want to spill on them. I mean, they're my only damn pair!!

*sigh*

Last night, as I was trying to get to sleep, I thought, "I should run tomorrow morning. I could get up early, run out into the country so nobody would point & laugh at me. I should take my cell phone in case I have a heart attack."  And then reality set in and I realized how stupid that all was. I wasn't going to run! I certainly wasn't going to wake up any earlier than I had to!

And then I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "you should have run....."

I met with my therapist this morning. Talking to her, I realized I do well when I have a goal - something ahead of me - something concrete - to shoot for. Yes, getting a job is my goal, but I need a goal I know I can accomplish. Getting a job isn't it. I don't know that I can accomplish that and as long as it's taken already.....I need a goal that I can strive for & accomplish in a shorter amount of time. Like when I applied to the police department. I knew I had to get in shape; I had a few months to do it in and I accomplished my goal.

So here's what I'm thinking: I'm going to contact my brother and see if he's signed up for any 5K's or Color Run's or something like that and maybe we can do it together...in December.

Even now, this early in my goal-setting, I'm thinking - "There's no way that's going to happen". I forget....I hate running.

But I have to do something more than I'm doing now (working out 3X's a week) because I'm not losing any weight. I'm not gaining any, either, but I can't be this big & be happy. Granted, peanut butter M&M's make me immensely happy while I'm eating them....but afterward, I feel like a glutton. I can't have all these damn clothes and not be able to wear them. It's just flat-out wrong. At least my shoes still fit. I think they do. Maybe I should check. If my feet have gotten fat, that's it!

I just need to move more. Working out once a day isn't enough. I should work out twice a day every day.

There's a lot of "should's" in here. Maybe I need to rethink all of this.

I'll figure it out eventually. I may be 300lbs by then, but I'll get there....

"I just visited my podiatrist...told him he might as well check my boobs while he's down there." -Maxine

I haven't been on Facebook in ages, so if someone else has already thought of this....my apologies.

I feel like we're living in the first parts of an apocalyptic movie. Think: "I AM LEGEND". The world is going along as if nothing's wrong...then there are a few news reports about a virus (Ebola) but everything's under control until suddenly it's not and it's spreading and everybody's staying in their homes and trash is blowing in the street and government has broken down and people are dying everyday and suddenly, I'm the only one left because, let's face it, I don't go anywhere. Except Walmart and I wondered, do I need to start wearing a face mask and gloves? Do I have to ask the cashier if she's traveled out of the country recently or been in contact with anyone who's traveled out of the country? I don't want to be someone stupid enough to spread the illness to others!

*sigh*

You heard it hear first, folks.