"It's New Year's Eve and I'm filled with optimism...which should last until shortly after I run out of champagne [coffee]." -Maxine

I went to bed last night at 6pm.

I had trouble eating again yesterday. And the day before that. And the day before that. But when I eat, I eat. I finally ate an entire pizza last night after long hours of debate about eating. I even called Mom to find out what was for dinner. She wasn't having anything but a peanut butter sandwich. Blech. As much as I love peanut butter, a sandwich just gums up my mouth. Though I would have eaten it had she made it for me.

I just have trouble getting into motion to make anything. My stomach knows it's hungry. My brain knows it should put food in it. I just can't seem to make anything to eat. WTF is that about? I wish I knew. I did eventually get up and make a pizza. I almost fell asleep while it was baking. That'd have been nice, huh? But I didn't and I ate the whole damn thing and had 4 pieces of chocolate afterward to boot.

Then I went straight to bed.

I woke up once of twice around 10:30 (why is it only 10:30?) and again at Midnight, dying of thirst. It's amazing how many people are up at Midnight. Then I slept and stayed in bed until 6-ish. I needed a lot of sleep. Yesterday was a trying day.

Today is much better. I've done laundry. I've undecorated both trees and actually hauled them both upstairs on my own without taking them apart. I'm still doing a bit of "undecorating" around the house, but nothing major. It could stay up all winter as far as I'm concerned. Hello Frosty! Good to see you, too.  Let it Snow!

It's 10:00 and now I don't know what to do. I'm chatting with another guy on-line and need to go to OKCupid to answer some emails, but other than that, all I've got is a movie to watch. I'd like to watch it with someone but that doesn't seem to be in my cards. :(

I'm tired of being alone. Lonely, I should say. If I were to get married, I think I'd want two different houses, though. He would have his and I'd have mine. We could each come & go from each other's house as we please, but we'd live separately; sleep separately; almost have separate lives. I'm all for that. If a person could afford it. I just don't want to ever leave this house. Ever. And I'll refuse to. Flat out. I love it too much. And I'm not sure I want anybody else living in it either. LOL

Everybody around here is sick with the flu. Everybody. I just want to stay safe in my home and away from all the sick-o's. Maybe wear a mask at work. Or a Haz-Mat suit. I do not want this particular flu. It sounds incredibly harsh and I don't do harsh well. I'd probably wind up in the hospital.

I'm having fun with my mom's old Kindle. Still learning all that I can do with it. I'd like to load music on there from I-tunes, but can I do that? I don't know. I'll figure it out, I'm sure. It kind of drives me crazy when I wake up in the middle of the night and want to check messages on Facebook and the wireless connection is, for some reason, down. Why does it do that? That's why I hate wireless. Pain. In. The. Ass.

I'm going to head to OKCupid and see what fun I can have on there, then go watch my movie. I'm too cold to sit at the computer so I'll take my Kindle with me to keep up on everything. LOVE THAT. (as long as the wireless works!)

"Stop looking at me when people say 'Out with the old!'" - Maxine

Well today's gone to shit.

Don't you hate it when 1. your routine is out of whack and 2. you find out an hour prior that your appts have been cancelled? AFTER you've gotten dressed & ready.

I was in tears. When I get frustrated or pissed, I cry. I hate that about me.

"Change the voices in your head....Make them like you instead." 

I love that about me! I love that I cry! I love that the slightest thing that throws my day out of whack completely ruins my day! I love that!

I was supposed to see my med-check lady first thing this morning. She cancelled at 8AM. She has her reasons, but I don't really care. I'm on the edge here. This is life or death. And she calls in because her daughter is sick? Who gives a fuck? I may die, but don't worry about me. I'm not related to you.

There. That felt better.

So I cancelled my therapy appt too just out of spite. Pissed me off that I got one hour notice. I gave them 2.

I had to go to the Big A anyway to get my "old" meds since I won't have any new meds for god knows how long. *sigh* And since I was at Walmart, I picked up more soda. They actually had CASES of my Caf-free Diet Pepsi! A miracle. Didn't make my day any better. lol.

On a positive note, I got my mom's old Kindle Fire!!!! And it works!!!! I can get email, check Facebook, transfer books & music and play games! I could stay in bed all day with that thing, if only I didn't have this need to smoke, eat and pee.

However, there's other shit I was going to do today, like call the Food Stamp place and ask them why I'm now only getting $15.00 per month for food. Yep, you read that right. I went from 189/month to 15/month. WTF? Trust me, I don't make enough to justify that ginormous decrease. But I just don't have the "calmness" (i.e. not crying) to call them today so it'll have to wait until tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be a better day because I, literally, have nothing. I can take down my trees. I can make those phone calls. I can trim my nails because they are way too long and I broke one yesterday while doing garbage at work. Looks funny.

But today - today I think I'll just cozy on my couch with Elvis in his bed, sipping my hot cup of coffee, watching t.v. That's about all I'm capable of today.

Happy Monday!!

Maybe I wasn't born to be a clerk at BP after all. :(

I swear, I can't work alone. My anxiety is off the charts. It feels like someone's punched me in the gut. No, it feels like my stomach is a punching bag and somebody's using it non-stop. I constantly feel like I'm having heart palpitations, but the stomach thing is the worst. It isn't upset. It's butterfly-ee. Does that make sense?

And I can't work alone because shit seems to happen that I can't fix when I'm alone. When someone's there, everything's smooth as can be, but as soon as I'm alone, all hell breaks loose. Such as the card-swiper-thingy going down. Didn't know what to do; had a line of people all grumbling; called the Manager (no answer); called her husband (no answer); called another employee and they finally walked me through what to do, but everybody had to pay cash for awhile.

Then there's the guy who always wants me to authorize the pump so he doesn't have to pre-pay. Well, I was busy as hell, couldn't even see the pump he was at, so I just ignored it. Most of the time it's someone who just hasn't figured out that you have to PRE-PAY. So he gets grumbly with me because I was too busy to pre-authorize him. Well too damn bad. You come stand back here and deal with a line of people, all the while getting paid zilch to put up with your sorry ass.

Ahhhh, that's better.

I definitely did not have as much fun at work today as I did last weekend. And tomorrow's not lookin' so good either. Super!  At least I have the next 5 days off. Whew!

I have a semi-date Monday night. Yes, Monday night is supposed to be WinterShred night, but I forgot about that & scheduled this semi-date. I'd rather do the semi-date than WinterShred anyway. I've given up on the free t-shirt. I wake up too damn early and have to go to work too damn early to work out in the mornings, lately. Hopefully this week I can get back to some semblance of my own reality. So I'm skipping WinterShred. For a semi-date. With a guy who reeked of booze this morning on his way to work. Whew. What a doozy. I'm sure he's a winner. But ya never know, so I'm taking a risk.

Did I say I rejoined OKCupid? Well, I did and there's a guy on here that I went to elementary school with. I don't have very good memories of him from elementary school, but a person can change, right? I'm not the same as I was.....oh wait, yes I am. I'm still anxious as hell. I was at 9, I still am now.

It's a good thing I ate a McChicken at work because I don't think I'll be eating tonight. Geezy lou, this stomach thing has got to stop! I swear, I'm going to start smoking pot. I will. I'll do it. Don't tempt me.

Just kidding.

Well, sorta.

"Change the voices in your head....make them LIKE you instead." -Pink

I was up early again this morning even though I took 5 Klonipin last night to help me sleep. Five. They sort of worked. I was up way before the alarm was to go off at 4. In fact, I was sitting in my living room wondering who was talking in my bedroom. It was my alarm. LOL. Like there'd ever be someone in my bedroom but me.

I made it to my 7am meeting and was greeted with hugs and "I'm so happy you're here". It was great. Hugs. I'm really starting to love them. Who'd a thunk it? The meeting was about resolutions and steps 3 & 7. I have no idea what those are and I'm too lazy to get up and look in my book or to even google them. Whatever. I just talked about how grateful I was to be there and this; this epiphany I had this morning, listening to my ITunes. "Change the voices in your head...make them like you instead." by Pink. Why had I never thought of this before? MAKE THEM LIKE ME INSTEAD. Duh. Such a simple concept and one my therapist has been preaching to me from day one, but hearing it in that song at that moment - at that precise moment - made me think of it in a different way. "Stop talking negatively to yourself" is different than "Make the voice in your head like you instead".

Huh.

I am pretty cool. Even though, even though, even though....I'm still pretty damn cool. And funny!  I'm cool & funny. My voice likes me.

Also during the meeting, a young woman spoke about wanting off this wild roller coaster ride of up & down, up & down and I thought to myself, "Me too". She said she's a hurry-up-let's-get-from-point A-to-point B- kind of person. Hello. My name is Amy and so am I. I think I scared off online-guy because I'm a "hurry up, let's meet" kind of person. I think that freaked him out and I haven't heard from him since. Ah well.

My man is going to want to meet me after having such great online conversation. He's going to want to meet face-to-face to carry on the conversation instead of continuing it online. Yep, my man will. This one, not so much. LOL

After the meeting, I was able to meet a friend @ Starbucks because I had two gift cards to use up. I was so, so, so excited to see they still had the Pumpkin Spice Latte! Last year, they took it off the menu at Christmas-time. I was so bummed, yet exhilarated today to see they had it. It's the little things, really. We had a good chat and then had to head out to our various lives. I went shopping @ Gordman's for my oldest Niece. I found her a great T-shirt and awesome sunglasses. It wasn't until I got home, as I was carefully folding the T-shirt, that I realized it has a giant cross on the front of it. I don't want to perpetuate Christianity for pity's sake! Ah well. What can I do about it now?

While I was at Gordman's, a woman from the old church came up to me. I could not remember her name. Don't you hate that? I do. I remembered it in the car as I was driving home. A lot of good that did. lol. She rambled on about how great it was to see me and what was I doing? When I told her, she said - get this - "What a great way to evangelize"!  Yeah, about atheism. I just went along with it. It's too much to explain as I'm in line at Gordman's.

I came home, got my niece's gift all wrapped & ready then started taking down Christmas decorations. Once I started, I almost couldn't stop. I did, though. I still have snowmen everywhere. I still have my trees up (those will come down next week when I have more free time). But at least I started. While it took me a month to really finish decorating, it's only going to take me a few days to take it all down and put things back to normal. It's just so freaking depressing. I love Christmas lights. I want them up year long!

Ah, but then I wouldn't enjoy them as much. However, I am leaving the Christmas lights up in my bedroom. I like the soft glow of those lights rather than the harsh closeness of my nightstand lamp.

Oh, I forgot to mention. There's a mouse at work. I saw it yesterday. I named it Fred. It creeps me out. It's so tiny, I could go smoosh it but that grosses me out so I just left him alone. Poor Fred. It's cold out there & he's hungry! There isn't a program in this little hamlet for feral mice like there is for feral cats. No feeding stations for mice.

I'm seriously considering smoking pot to rid myself of this anxiety. I don't know any dealers, though, and haven't the slightest clue how to roll a joint, so I guess that idea's out the window. Guess I'll just ask for different meds. I have to work the next couple of days and I just know the anxiety will be high. It's high already, 24-7, but it'll be even higher. I hope I have enough Klonipin. Better start hoarding it.

Next Wednesday I get to go through my Bucket of Bliss. I'm looking forward to it - a reminder of all the good things that happened in 2013.  Do you have a Bucket of Bliss or a Can of Cheer or a Gallon of Glad? I love a good thesaurus.  Think about what you did in 2013, what happened to you & what you made happen. Only the good things - forget the rest! It isn't worth hanging onto.

"What size shoe you wear? I wear 10, let's see if you can fit your feet." -Eminem

I'm having a rough time. My anxiety is still out of control. Some days better than others (mostly because I take more drugs). I shake. My heart pounds & races. I feel like I'm going to vomit; my stomach's in knots. I feel like I'm sick. Really. Sick. It's ridiculous. What do I have to be anxious about? WTF is wrong with me???? I feel like it's something a bit more than simple anxiety. I mean, my god, I've been on these drugs long enough,  you'd think they'd be working. Plus I've been in therapy and following all the instructions and yet.....Yet, I'm still full of freaking anxiety. Dammit.

I'm considering going to the Friday meeting in the big O. I'm not sure I can because my anxiety is so high. How will I drive in the dark? (I'd have to leave home by 5:30am). What if a deer jumps out at me? What if they're just standing in the road? What if I wreck my car? What if, what if, what if. A person cannot live on "what if's".

So the guy I've been chatting with online & who's been keeping me up later than normal is hesitant to meet. Sure. Reel me in, then let me down because hesitation means something. It means you're either not ready for this or you're married or whatever. There shouldn't be any hesitation after what we've talked about on-line. Stupid men.

I'm an all-or-nothing girl. I'm either all in or all out. If there's hesitation, I'm all out. Gotta protect this shriveled, small heart. There isn't much left of it to give away. I have to hang on to what I have. I'm like the Grinch with his small, small heart.

Except.......

Except there seems to be a real connection here. Though I've thought that before. Remember the guy I connected with online then met at Applebee's and knew as soon as I pulled into the parking lot, he was not for me? Yeah, I barely do too.  Ack. I don't know.

I'm tired of being lonely.

AA says remember H.A.L.T. Don't get Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. I was all 4 earlier today. For some reason, I'm having difficulty eating again. I know I'm hungry. I just can't bring myself to get up and make anything to eat. Ridiculous, right? Crazy? Yes. I can't nap. I barely sleep at night. I'm waking up every hour. And of course, I'm lonely. And I'm pissed off about all of it. ALL. OF. IT.

I'm sick of it. Sick of it all.

I really need some good, goddamn sleep.

"It's Christmas Eve (holy shit), and if you listen very carefully, you can hear fathers across the land making up new swear words while assembling toys." -Maxine

For some reason, it doesn't feel like Christmas Eve to me. Maybe because I don't have to be at the church at 4:00pm this afternoon & stay until Midnight? Maybe because I've had my decorations up so long? Maybe because Older Brother won't be joining us tomorrow? Or maybe just because I've been looking forward to it for so long, that it doesn't seem natural that it's actually here.  And it means an end to the Christmas tree and lights and Santa's.

I didn't go to bed last night until 9. NINE! I was on-line, chatting it up with a guy I'm interested in and I just couldn't stop....not even for my electrically-warmed bed. I re-joined OKCupid.com and I'm surprised by how many men (4) are on it from this little hamlet. I don't know any of them, of course, but now they may know me....which is weird & creepy. I wasn't chatting with any of them. I was chatting with someone else. Someone I can't get out of my head.

I was up at 3:30. Dammit.

At least I have my workouts to do so early in the morning. It's already 5:00.  Not too many more hours in the day to fill.  I have to remove my nail polish and trim my nails. That'll take a good 1/2 hour. Then what else, you ask? I'm going to make more pretzel wreaths for tomorrow's shin-dig at the homestead & I need to frost the rest of the sugar cookies. Those things will take awhile. An hour or so.

Damn, I have a lot of free time today to think about the man I chatted with last night and wondering if I'll get to see him at all any time soon or if we'll just keep up this relentless chatting. I'm more of a "let's meet & see if there's any chemistry before we go too far down this road" type of girl.

(I just smelled myself and I'm rank from my workout so I'm going to go take my bath.....much earlier than I'd like.)

Even now, after taking my bath, brushing my teeth, blowdrying my hair, etc, etc, I still come back to my computer to see if he's emailed me again. What I really want is for him to just surprise me and show up at my door. I don't know why I think this is a good idea, but I do.

I, obviously, get too excited about something before it even happens. Story of my life.

So it's now 6 and the polish is off my nails. I'm thinking I'll paint them again and this time, try to be more patient. I never realized I was an impatient person until this year.

I keep wondering, "What happened to me"? I used to be this. I used to be that. I'm no longer those things and it discombobulates me. I'm all out of sorts. I wonder who I am. My therapist just tells me I've gone through a lot of changes the past two years. Ya got that right! Sobriety. Leaving my job. Moving to another town. Depression. Anxiety. Spending more time with my parents, which I love, btw. A brother moving thousands of miles away. Another one moving, too. It seems my whole family is a bit out of sorts.

My 'out of sorts' is that I used to be able to enjoy these days - these days with nothing ahead of me but little bits here & there. I used to sit & watch t.v. I used to nap (I still do but it's much more difficult). I used to do solitary things, like knit. I used to do crafts. I used to be o.k. being alone. *head shake* I'm still o.k. being alone. I just hate being lonely. I don't want to fill that 'lonely' void with something or someone unhealthy just to fill it, ya know? I realized yesterday that if it weren't for my dad's hugs, I'd go without human contact most days. That is damn sad, don't ya think? Not that dad hugs me is sad, but that I'd have no human contact without his hugs. Sad. Damn sad. Makes me cry.

Studies show babies need to be touched in order to thrive. Adults do, too, I think. I'm barely thriving.

WANTED: Jolly men bearing gifts.

Hell, I'd just take a jolly man. OK, let's be realistic. I'd just take a man.

Work was hectic this weekend. Saturday was non-stop people & you know me. I need my "me" time. I was able to take a couple of hours and mop the floor, vacuum, get the garbage, etc, away from people. Sunday it had snowed more than predicted and weather was bad going East so there wasn't a lot of travel until mid-day. Then it seemed to pick up. The sun came out & was shining, even though it was still flurrying. Surprisingly I did make it out to work on my own - going 20 mph. Glad no one was behind me - they'd have been pissed.

Oh, and one of those days - must have been yesterday - the man I gave my # to came in. (Wish I could remember his name.) I told him I'd missed his call and wasn't even sure it was him since it was from Lidderdale so I never called back. He said he'd try again. I'm just - eh - about the whole thing. He's not physically close enough for my taste. I want someone here. Now.

I do miss kissing. I miss holding hands. I miss hugging. I miss cuddling. I'm not sure I miss sex, though you'd think I would since it's been almost 8 years since. Hell, I'm a born-again-virgin! I guess I just miss intimacy. I miss having someone around. I miss conversing. I miss having someone to do things with. I just miss another being in my presence other than Elvis. He doesn't count. Though he is a pretty good cuddler.

I have a lot to talk about in therapy.

I touched a 12 pack of Busch Light yesterday. I survived. Busch Light - blech.

So, I have therapy today. Mom's going to drive me, otherwise I would have cancelled just because I think the roads are probably not plowed all that great and it's an excuse not to go. I just want to stay home all day and do nothing. And then WinterShred tonight. I actually do want to go to WS because if I'm going to get me a man, I want to look good! So no more snacking. Though I still may eat an entire pizza when I want to. Like this afternoon.

I wish I was still in bed.

"I made Christmas cookies that look like me. It's a subtle way of saying "BITE ME"!" -Maxine

O. M. G. today was crazy at work. I knew it would be. The weatherman was right. It was non-stop people for 8 straight hours. Luckily the person who was supposed to come in at Noon, did. He was going to go hunting. I guess he decided I needed him at work more than he needed to go hunting. Or he just overslept.

Here are my crazy notes from today:

I actually straightened up the bottles of wine without taking one and drinking it.

I had to race to go pee. I had to see how fast I could pee, then race back to the counter to wash my hands there, because there'd be people waiting for me.

I had to race outside to the pumps to check the trash cans (change the bags), check the paper towels and washer fluid. I was running back and forth all day....well for 6 hours, until the other guy showed up, then I begged him to do it!  I figured it was good for me because I didn't work out this a.m.

Someone smoked in the women's bathroom.  The bathrooms aren't my responsibility at all (they're McDonald's) but it still pissed me off. I ran in there and the person was already gone. I have my suspicions.

The two diesel pump handles were overflowing today. Twice. If people would just pay attention, it wouldn't have been a problem. Idiots. I feel like I reek of diesel fuel.

I was surrounded by too many damn people today.....and yet, I'm wired. I'm tired & definitely wired. I've barely eaten. I ate two granola bars, yet I don't want to eat. I hope Mom's making something for dinner with the Older Brother and Nephew (& me).

I'm going to go enjoy a cigarette in the warmth of my home before I head over to Mom & Dad's and am forced to smoke in the cold garage. :(

I'm such a whiner.

"My Christmas tree is a lot like my Christmas spirit....it comes out once a year, and it's completely artificial!" -Maxine

My friend, Theresa, stopped by this afternoon on her way home from work. This is what she came bearing:

She claims she hasn't kept up on my blog, but we're so in sync, she knows.....

The Merry Christmas is from her. It needs a better place to go, but right now under the tree is all I got.

I got all of my presents wrapped this morning, even though the wrapping was interrupted by a coffee trip to McDonald's/BP to find out the skinny on an incident that happened yesterday. Apparently two men in their 50's whipped out their penises and started urinating in the lot. My co-worker rightfully got their plates, make, model, etc and called the cops. I miss all the excitement. And thankfully so! 

I'm having mini panic attacks about working all alone tomorrow - apparently the weatherman was right and tomorrow is supposed to be a big travel day. I'm scared to death. When aren't I going to be scared/worried/anxious, I'd like to know.  I might as well start to learn to live with it, huh?

I even painted my fingernails this morning and only one is jacked up! I bet they last until tomorrow morning; then they'll be chipped and ugly. That's why I hate painting my fingernails. That & they take too long to dry. I want instant dryness.

Off I go to do what, I don't know, but off I go to do it! Thanks, T, for the gifts!!!  

"I'm looking for a fun date this Christmas. Now how do I get my hands on Santa's naughty list?" -Maxine

It's official. I'm old.

I was sitting in my therapist's parking lot yesterday and the sun was shining just right - just right to show me my long-ass, dark chin hairs.

That's right folks. You're reading the bearded lady's blog.

The first thing I did when I got home was shave my chin. I. Shaved. My. Chin. With a razor! *eye roll* *head shake* *smirk*

Funniest thing I've done in ages.

And now, suddenly, after 38 years, I have to remember to do that? Don't I have enough to do to make myself somewhat normal looking? Now I have to add "Shave chin".  Geezy lou.

I believe my suitor (yep, that's right - now that I'm old I use words like "suitor") tried to call me yesterday. You know me. I did not call back. In fact, I tried to google the number to get more information about said suitor, such as his name. Since I'm old, I've forgotten it. Something like Rick or Steve or Tom. I found no information. It was a cell phone. I hate talking to people on cell phones. Reception is notoriously bad and I have to keep asking, "I'm sorry, what did you say? I missed that."  I'll probably end up agreeing to marry him and move to Lake City or something.

I don't have a lot on my agenda today. I've already worked out. It's getting harder & harder to want to work out in the morning (or any time of day) but I've convinced myself I cannot have any coffee until I work out, so that's my motivation. However, on work days, I refuse to get up at 3:30 and workout. Nuh-uh. Getting up at 4 is early enough.

I'm considering painting my fingernails. Here's the problem with that. It takes a long time for them to dry. I drink a lot of coffee. There are a lot of trips to the bathroom. Wet nails get ruined. They're the perfect length to paint so maybe I'll do that this afternoon after my coffee is emptied.

I'm going to go upstairs (to the frigid north) and wrap my presents today. I wonder if Elvis will leave them alone if I put them under the tree? They're probably better staying upstairs because then they don't get the smoke-smell on them.  That sounds like a better plan.

Elvis is eating the tree more & more often. I'm afraid he's going to electrocute himself by biting down on a bulb. Oh well, at least he'll go fast rather than painfully slow like Chica. Just kidding. He's staying away from the bulbs....I think.

I'm excited and nervous to go to work Saturday. I heard one weatherman say it's the busiest travel day of the year. I panicked and then wondered how a weatherman knows that for a fact. He doesn't, is what I keep telling myself. It'll be a normal day, except that I'll be alone for 8 hours. If you want to take a trip to the little hamlet, feel free. I'll need company. It gets pretty boring out there. Especially in the morning. I can't wait for Christmas Day. Hopefully it's dead and I'll be able to do all my extra chores without racing around like a madwoman. AND I'll be able to read a book after all my chores are done. Yeah! I hope I don't fall asleep.

I told my therapist yesterday that my anxiety is out of control....again. When isn't it out of control? I told her what I did to try to lessen it and she thought those were all good ideas. She didn't give me any new ones other than to talk to my med-check lady. I want to get rid of the anxiety, not drug it to death. Though maybe that's the only way to get rid of it. I just think there's something wrong with me that I have it so badly at this age in my life and why? Why can't it just go away?

I'm already looking around my house, debating what should come down first, after Christmas. Definitely the curtain/window decorations. Those are driving me bonkers. I don't think I'll do those again next year. I don't know why they bother me so much, but they do. Probably because I handmade them and I think they look like crap. Then the trees, I suppose, though I would love to keep them up for awhile longer. I'm thinking I'd like to keep the outdoor items up through the winter and take them down sometime in early March. Wonder what the town would think of that. They're not necessarily "Christmasy". They're wintry. They should stay up.

I'm ready to redecorate - can you tell? Thank goodness Christmas is next week. Perfect timing. I think I'll do the same damn thing next year - Come November 1, look out! It'll be a Christmas explosion in my house! I like having more time to enjoy the decorations and who sees them that early anyway? Mom & Dad. They already think I'm odd.

It's 8AM. I'm heading to the tundra to wrap presents, drink more coffee and keep Elvis away from the ribbon.  Have a great day, everyone!

"If I wanted a fat, bald guy to show up at my house with gifts, I'd do online dating." -Maxine

Well, I'm getting close to that. I do have an on-line dating profile and I updated it just yesterday. I already have some hits but nothing worth mentioning. Why does someone in Chicago want to get to know me? Duh. However, I did get hit on this morning at work. I was filling in hours for the regular 6am-12pm person and early this morning, when everything was quiet, some guy stood around talking to me for a good 15 minutes, then asked for my number. What was I to do? I hadn't prepared myself for this. I had to give it to him (I do not, however, have to answer) because I wasn't prepared to say, "I don't think that'd be a good idea...." And why, exactly, wouldn't it be a good idea? I want to meet someone (people) so why not give out my number to good looking, conversation-worthy men?

Because it FREAKS. ME. OUT. that's why.

I've never dated anybody sober. Have I mentioned that before? It's scary as hell to even consider. Who am I? How do I date exactly? Where am I at in life? Where do I want to be? Who the fuck am I????????????

And here's another problem. I still think I'm 27. I want to date 20-somethings! Dating someone 48 sounds so old!  But wait, I'm 38 so that's only 10 years older and that's not too bad. Now 58, I have to draw the line - and anything under 28.  Ten years either way; I figure I'm safe.

This sucks. I just want the perfect man to walk to my door, ring the doorbell and tell me my wildest dreams have come true. That doesn't happen, does it? Damn.

I knew if I googled "the perfect man" images I'd find some good shit and I was not mistaken!

So what will I do when this guy calls me? Probably give him the cold shoulder, if I even answer the phone because I don't think dating someone who lives 1.5 hours away is in the cards for me. I want someone here and I want them now. Seriously. Here & Now. However, chatting on the phone never killed anyone, though those of you who know me, know I hate the phone. So I see a conundrum already. I've told my younger brother & his girlfriend to get on the hunt for me. I don't see any men knocking down my door.

(Pause because I just realized I'm freezing and Oh! Guess what! Furnace isn't working. Super!)

I'm skipping WinterShred this evening (so is Shan) because I was up all night with an upset stomach (seriously upset - it was pissed off!) and I've barely eaten today so I'm not up to passing out tonight on a gym floor. Plus, I need to be here for the HVAC guy, Tim, anyway.

I'm anxious about tomorrow's weather. It's supposed to "do something", whatever that means and it's supposed to do that something "sometime". My appointment's in the afternoon. Is that "sometime"? Do they even know? *sigh* As much as I love watching falling snow from the comfort of my home, I do not like driving in it, nor do I like even thinking about driving in it. I'm anxious already. It's going to be a long night.....again.

To wrap up, I'm single and ready to mingle! I'm not working out tonight so I'm a fat blob. I'm anxious about weather (what would I do if I didn't have anything to be anxious about??) And I have heat (using the fan) thanks to Dad though the furnace still needs fixed.

It's going to be a great night.

"I always hang mistletoe in the same spot...the middle belt loop on the back of my jeans." -Maxine

Not a bad idea, Maxine. Not a bad idea. Maybe I'd finally get lucky.

I'm either dead or dying. If I'm dead, then I'm a ghost and I'm stuck in this house the rest of my ghost-life. Aren't Mom & Dad lucky? LOL.  If I'm just dying, that's ok. Maybe I'll get better.

I just feel like shit. Tired, tired, tired and can't sleep, sleep, sleep. I need to wear one of those BreatheRight strips to bed at night. I even have some but I forget about them and by the time I remember, I'm too lazy to get up and put one on. Lazy. The only reason I got out of bed this morning was because I had to pee. I could have stayed in bed a helluva lot longer had nature not called. Damn nature.

WinterShred wasn't even bad last night. We did stations again and Shan & I were partners. The time flew by. I still sweat my ass off, but it didn't seem as bad as usual. Trust me, it was, but it didn't seem that way, which means I'm getting better. I may be carrying more weight around my belly, but I'm stronger, too.

I had friends over yesterday, too, which wore me out and I didn't get a nap in between their visit and WinterShred. I think that would have helped. Ahhhh, naps. How I love naps.

The visit was great. It'd been awhile since I'd seen these particular friends, even though we'd emailed each other, it's just not the same as being able to give them hugs. Yes, me, hugs. I don't know what's happened to me. I moved to this little hamlet and suddenly I want to be around people and hug. I've lost it.

We visited for quite awhile - they catching me up on the drama at my previous employer and me catching them up on the lack of drama at my current employer. I'm so happy I work where I work now. And I'm so happy I can say that.

We ate at a local restaurant and I. PIGGED. OUT. I had the chicken fried steak w/ mashed potatoes and gravy and corn. Then I followed up with their famous peach cobbler. It is literally the best I've ever had. If you're ever in this little hamlet, hit up Emma Jean's just for the peach cobbler. I pigged out because WinterShred is having a countereffect on me. It makes me think I can eat whatever I want, especially before a workout because I need all that energy for the workout.  That's why I've gained 5lbs. It isn't muscle like everyone keeps telling me. It's a fat roll around my middle. Just call me Buddha. My goal today should be to eat all the sugar cookies and get rid of the pretzel wreaths so I just don't see them. MO-OM!  But then I think, what if I have visitors? I've got to have something to serve them and the pretzel wreaths seem to be doing pretty well so....do I keep them for the 1 visitor I may have or do I get rid of them so I can lose 5 lbs? I think I know the answer to that one. MO-OM!

My goal today is to read. I have got to finish this book: Never Go Back by Lee Childs. I feel like I've been reading it forever and it's going to be due pretty soon and I have a second book to read after this one that's due the same time. Whew! Lots of reading to do and guess what'll happen. Amy'll fall asleep. I can only hope.

I am getting my oil changed. It hasn't been changed since April. That's 8 months without an oil change. I think no matter what the miles are, 8 months is too long to go without an oil change. So, for the first time in two cars, I'm not taking my car to the dealership and I'm taking it local. I'm nervous. I love my car like a fat Amy loves ice cream & peanut butter.

My back is sore. My nose hurts. My head aches. My shoulders needs a massage. Hell, my whole body needs a massage. I'm dressed and ready for the day and all I want to do is crawl into a fetal position and fall asleep. What happened to "wake up early, full of energy Amy"? Where'd she go? Where am I?

I just used this image b/c it cracks me up, but there was no "sweet old me". There was bitch. And now suddenly, there's cuddly me.  WTF happened?

"The economy must be in pretty bad shape...the other day at the post office, I saw a guy slip a resume in with his letter to Santa." -Maxine

I think I was born to be a clerk at this particular BP (soon to be Cenex).

I actually want to go to work.....and I have today off!

If this isn't a miracle, I don't know what is.

I'm sure it won't last.....I'll get sick of people, eventually.

I'm having visitors over today (Nancy & Carolyn) so I've been spot-cleaning this morning. I refuse to deep-clean like I did for the open house. It's still clean!  It's not like I manufacture a lot of dirt (just like Morty says on the Swiffer commercials). I will Swiffer. I will dust. I will clean the bathroom. So, yeah, pretty much everything I did for the open house, I'm doing again. *smack on forehead*  Ah well, what else am I going to do for the 5 hours until they arrive at 11? I can only take a bath for so long, then I get bored and all wrinkly like a raisin.

At 9, I have to call SSI and tell them I'm working 16 hours/week. Like it'll make a difference. They're still going to reject me, but I'm supposed to tell them and I follow the rules, so I will. And I need to tell Pott. County Community Services that I'm employed, too. I don't know if they'll still let me get free therapy, but I'm going to try my damnedest to make that happen. If therapy isn't free, I don't want to do it. On Wednesday's and Friday's I'll drive to CB and go to AA meetings. It's basically the same.  I'm sure my therapy will still be free. I'm making less than poverty-level.

I combined my WinterShred homework this morning and did parts of Weeks 1-4. I've gained 5lbs. How the hell did that happen? When I'm at work, I barely eat. And I've been at work the last 6 days. I haven't snacked on any of the goodies in the house. I don't know how I've managed to avoid that, but I have. I have, however, eaten 1 or 2 bowls of ice cream and peanut butter. How did I gain 5lbs?  That. That's how I gained 5 lbs. Damn ice cream & peanut butter. Why do you have to taste so damn good? The ice cream's almost gone so I'll go back to not buying any and I'll lose those 5 lbs just so I can get the free t-shirt!  January can't get here fast enough - when WinterShred ends. I will miss it. I enjoy sweating my ass off. Makes me feel like all the bad in me is coming out. I'll find a way to sweat at home. Oh, I just cracked myself up because I just told Younger Brother & girlfriend last night to find me a man. Hmmm, how can I find a way to sweat at home? I wonder......LOL

I'm still laughing about that one.  If there's even a .1% chance of getting pregnant, I will not have sex. I refuse to risk having children. I've seen the aftermath. It isn't pretty, fun, comfortable, sane, relaxing or any of the things I truly enjoy. No children. Not ever.

I'm having difficulty finishing this post.

It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

I'm wired.

Two good days at work.

The only problem with being 1 mile away from home - & it's a small, insignificant problem - is that I don't have any time to unwind before I get home. It's like BAM! I'm off work and BAM! I'm home, listening to Elvis meow nonstop and I'm still wired and I still want to schmooze & flirt with people and I want to keep going.....

But I'm home. And there's nobody here. Nobody to schmooze with. Nobody to flirt with. I don't think Elvis counts.

I need me a man.

"I like Santa. But then, I've always had a thing for younger men." -Maxine

Somebody asked me yesterday, "How old ARE you?" I replied, "90".

Here's how I handled today: I was heavily medicated. I took 3 Klonipin before bed last night. I took 1 when I woke up at 11. I took another when I woke up at 1. I took 2 more when I woke up at 4. And I took 2 more before the manager left me alone today. That's how I handled my anxiety. Not. Very. Healthy. The pharmacist may not renew my prescription because I'll have used them all up before I should. Oh well. It's worth it. If I smoked pot, I would have done that, but it's illegal and addictive, so I don't. Though I really wish I did.

But the drugs worked!  It also helped that Mom came out and sat with me for 2 hours. I'm 38 years old and I need my mommy.  Shut up. It works for us.

Today went GREAT. I don't think I screwed up once. I even got "tested" for selling cigarettes to minors and passed! I can't believe I passed. In fact, right now I'm wondering if I really did and if the card he gave me really said, "Congratulations" or if it said that in a smarmy-kind-of-way, like "Congratulations,  you fool."

I think I'll be just fine tomorrow from 6AM-10AM until another employee comes in to help. It gets kind of busy around 10. I hope he wants to take care of the trash outside because I'm sick of freezing my ass off emptying those four barrels.

I'm tired. I'm sore. I just want to put my feet up but I'm too wired. So I'm drinking coffee. Idiot.

I'm definitely looking forward to my day off Monday. Two friends are coming out during the day for a visit so that'll be fun. Tuesday I have nothing. Literally nothing. And I prefer it that way! Wednesday I'm going to work a 6-12 shift as a fill-in for someone taking a day off, which I prefer because I'm afraid I'm going to forget everything by next weekend. Thursday I have therapy and Friday I got nothin'. Oh, I do have WinterShred Monday & Wednesday evenings. Whaw, whaw. I can barely do the homework, I'm so damn tired. I was lucky to crawl out of bed at 4 this morning! I can't imagine what WinterShred is going to be like if I've been slacking off on the homework. Soreness - here I come!

You know, surprisingly it hasn't been difficult selling beer to anyone. That surprised me. I thought I'd start craving it, but I don't. I think it just smells bad and they smell bad because they've already been drinking. I don't have to stock the cooler, so that's a bonus. I'm doing o.k. on the recovering-alcoholic-front. Though I wish I could make a meeting in CB or the Big O. Maybe on Friday I can go. That sounds like an excellent plan, if the weather cooperates, which it doesn't seem to want to when I make plans. Go figure. BTW, the roads were just fine this a.m. so I didn't need to call Dad at 5:30 for a ride. I'm sure he was happy about that!

I'm going to go put my feet up and get under my electric throw blanket. It's going to be a good afternoon!

Love you all & thanks for all the support!!

"Peace on Earth, good will toward men. Except those boneheads who cut you off in traffic." -Maxine

Today was another day of , "oh shit, I forgot - what do I do?"

I'm having serious panic attacks about my two hours alone tomorrow. Serious panic attacks. Like it feels like I'm having a heart attack kind of panic attack. And then alone from 6-10 on Sunday! Holy schnike!

I need someone to calm me down. Talk me off the ledge. Because I seem not to be able to do that. I just keep panicking and then I'm on the verge of tears.

I swear, if I didn't have anxiety, I'd have no energy at all. Except that I just want to go to bed so I can stop panicking, awake. I still panic, just in my sleep and I'm unaware of it.

Seriously, if I don't know this shit by now, training Wednesday, Thursday & Friday and for 6 hours tomorrow, then I'm never going to know it. One kid today asked me if I was a real blonde. I think I might be, I said. It's like none of it is sinking in. That's what happens when you don't use your brain for 9 months. It goes stupid. Let this be a warning - Don't ever let that happen to you!

Elvis is, of course, discombobulated, too. He's having separation anxiety. He meows non-stop as soon as I walk through the door. He still hasn't stopped and I've been home for over an hour. I don't know what he wants. I've given him love. I've fed & watered him. I've cleaned his litter box. I've even opened the damn bedroom door. He just won't quit. He's licked & bit the Christmas tree. I don't know what else to do for him. We're two anxiety-filled beings living in the same house. We're feeding off each other. It's not a good thing.

So, about my anxiety. I keep asking myself, "What's the worst that could happen?" I get a grumpy person, I get anxious, and I forget what to do. I just need to calm myself, think clearly and rationally and I'll figure it out. What can happen in a two hour period on a Saturday? Someone could come in and want to pre-pay & I've forgotten how to do that. Hit the pump #, enter amount, hit pre-pay, hit Tender, and however he's paying. See, I know this shit but it's like it leaves my brain, magically and suddenly. What's another "worst"? I get another grumpy person who wants to buy multiple lottery tickets. I sit on the floor and cry. LOL. No, I think I've finally gotten the lottery tickets down and it won't be like it was today with the MegaMillions drawing tonight.

I'm not even worried about being held up. That's the least of my worries!

Oh, and we're getting a wintry mix early this evening which makes me panic even more because I just know the County won't be out sanding the roads tonight. Pshaw. So it'll be slicker than snot tomorrow morning, as I'm slowly making my way to work at 5:30am for a 6:00 shift. LOL. It better not take me a 1/2 hour to drive 1 mile. Dad's got his phone next to his bed so he's on alert in case I'm panicking too much tomorrow morning to drive. Good 'ol Dad!  I bet he regrets me moving so close now....Who wants a 5:30 A.M. call?

Ah hell. Everything will be all right. Isn't there a song that says "Everything's gonna be alright!"  That's my new mantra.

I'm totally discombobulated.

And incredibly anxious.

Today's work went fine but I'm totally anxious about being alone for those 2 hours on Saturday and then for 4 hours on Sunday! I can't stop thinking about it. How ridiculous is that? What could possibly go wrong? What's the worst that could happen? The worst is: I don't know how to do something. Then, what do you do? Call the manager who is more than happy to help me out. She knows I'm a Type A, completely anxious person. I think she understands.

I'm going to throw up.

And I'm so discombobulated. I'm totally out of sorts. I keep forgetting that I have a haircut tomorrow at 9am, so I have to shower at 8 instead of 9, as usual this week. And I'm worried she's going to whack out my hair, like she usually does every time, so I'm going to have to assert myself and ask her if I could style it myself. *eye roll*  Why can't she just do my hair the same way it looks when I walk in? I don't understand that nor do I know the answer.

It's taken me 4 days to write the thank you notes to the locals who dropped off gifts during the open house. I won't get them mailed until tomorrow afternoon, so then it'll be 5 or 6 days until they receive one since the open house. I feel bad. I should have done them the very next day. At least I have them done and ready to be mailed.

I just want to crawl into bed and sleep for the next 12 hours. (It's 6:15pm).  Elvis is already laying on the bed, waiting for me to crawl under the covers so he can join me to get warm. I refuse to crawl into bed right now. Seven, on the other hand....I see that happening.

I'm so damn tired! Who knew standing for 5 hours would make me so tired?

I stress myself out. I know I do this to myself. I can't seem to help it. It does help me to think things through, such as the paragraph above: What's the worst that could happen? And what do you do if that happens? I need a plan, all the time.

I don't even know what day it is. I think that's why I keep forgetting I have a haircut appt tomorrow morning.

That's it. I'm taking my two Klonipin and going to bed. I want to shut off this damn brain.

"Here's hoping all of us good girls will get what we really want in our stockings....firmer thighs!" -Maxine

I freaking better get firmer thighs after the WinterShred torture I've been putting myself through! Goddammit!

I. AM. TIRED.  I got off work at 3 yesterday, ran to the post office, dropped something off at Mom & Dad's, then had time to sit around waiting for Shan to pick me up for WinterShred. I ate. I realized I was hungry. And then I started getting tired....like I was going to fall asleep on the couch and wouldn't be ready for Shan. So I hurried up and got my workout gear on and then sat in my dining room chair. No chance of falling asleep in that thing.

I went to bed last night around 8:30 or 9. I was up at 11:30 dying of thirst. I really need to get my humidifier going (it needs wicks). Then I slept (or stayed in bed) until 7am. That's sleeping in for me and I still feel tired. I think standing all day then going to work out (which felt great at the time) was a little too much for the first day of real life for Amy, who's been sedentary for almost 9 months. I really didn't want to get out of the bed. That's scary.

BUT, I did and I'm ready to go to work. I don't feel so anxious, though last night in bed, when I woke at 11:30 my heart was pounding so hard it felt like it was going to pound itself right out of my chest and that's when I realized I hadn't taken my two Klonipin before going to bed. I got back up and took them. I felt better afterwards.

I have today & tomorrow of work from 10-3, then I start my official hours Saturday & Sunday 6am-2pm. Saturday, the manager will be with me until Noon, then I'll be alone for two hours until I'm off. Sunday, I'm alone for 4 or 6 hours, I can't remember, until a second person comes in. I hope I don't get too anxious about both days and I hope I'll do fine. I hope I remember everything and nobody yells at me. I'll probably cry if they do. lol.

I'm looking forward to 3:00 this afternoon and a nap.

"I have an 8 to 5 job. Unfortunately it comes with a 10-2 paycheck." -Maxine

First day of work - COMPLETED.

I started out strong but as the day wore on and more & more people came into the store, the stupider I got. It's like everything I learned just went right out of my brain.

I'm thankful I have two more days of training until I'm left alone on Saturday for 2 of my 8 hour shift. Ack! And then I'm alone Sunday for 6 hours!!!!  Holy Shit. I hope it's slow.

I offered to work 6-2 Christmas Day. They accepted. I'm thrilled. Time and a 1/2.  Since I'm making pennies, that's a nice little bonus. I didn't expect to make much but when I heard the amount I almost had a heart attack, it was so low. I used to make more than double what I'm making now.....but I had a helluva lot more responsibility and a helluva lot more stress.

I can leave work - now - and not worry a thing about it. I mean, I'm still anxious about MY part in everything - Did I do this right? Did I screw that up? That guy was really pissed at me! - I can create anxiety out of anything and boy am I. Just driving in what little snow fell last night was anxiety enough for me today.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I'll retain more & more information the more & more I do it.

I've got a headache from hell from standing all day and not eating anything for 5 straight hours and not smoking enough cigarettes and having to put on a happy face, but I'm still ready for WinterShred. I need to sweat out this anxiety I'm feeling.

I'm looking forward to Monday - my first day off.  I hope I don't forget everything over the week until I work the next weekend. Geezy lou. See? I create anxiety.

Ugh.

Just wanted to blog quick to let you know how the day went. All in all - good. Tomorrow will be even better....

"If I start acting merry, please slap me." -Maxine

Oh, Maxine, you don't mean that!  Oh, wait, yes you do....

I fell asleep yesterday just before I needed to get ready for work. If Elvis hadn't licked my forehead, I'm pretty sure I would have slept past my work start time. Thank you, Elvis! So I was a little harried, running around getting ready, but still made it on time to another harried, discombobulated joint. I'm hoping today's better and that I'm behind the counter, learning what I need to know by this weekend.

I spent my time filling out numerous forms and paperwork then spent the rest of the time getting trained on tobacco sales (or no sales). I'm now Certified to sell or refuse to sell tobacco! Yeah!

I had therapy yesterday. That's why I had so little to do at work, because I had to leave early. Therapy was good but my anxiety level is through the roof and I don't know what to do about it. Call my doctor and what? Change medications? Take more of the same? Or just fight through it? I'm more of the "fight through it" and see where that's gotten me? So I think I'll call her today or tomorrow if it doesn't settle down.

This week I'm working 10am-3pm for training. This weekend, I start my official hours - 6am-2pm.  The 10-3 is killing me. It's too much free time in the morning (thus the siesta I took prior to work yesterday!)  So last night I sat down and gave myself a morning agenda to follow that mapped out almost every minute.

I didn't think I'd be able to sleep in until 6 this morning so I started my agenda at 5:30. I slept in until 6, which is even better. I went out to the garage to smoke my two morning cigarettes (see, starting that already - good thing), then brushed my teeth, took care of Elvis' needs (which, he already needs more food & water - the thing's a camel). I did Pilates starting around 6:30 and finished by 7. Smoked another cigarette. Warmed up my coffee then realized I needed to shovel. Another thing I didn't want to do, but hey, it takes up time so it was a good thing. I only had to sweep so it wasn't bad and a neighbor even came over to help with his leaf blower. Ingenious. I'm more worried about the one-mile-drive to work! I was in a panic the entire way to the Big A yesterday even though the roads were fine. I think the roads are lying to me so I think they're actually frozen instead of clear. I was in panic mode the entire way. Stupid.

Anyway, after shoveling snow, I'm now blogging until 8-ish, then I'll eat breakfast, which I hope does not entail more cookies & pretzel wreaths. At 9, I need to bathe and get ready for work. It won't take me anywhere near an hour, but I can throw a cigarette break in there somewhere and I like to take my time and not be rushed like yesterday. Plus I'll probably leave 15 minutes early for the 1 mile drive because of the snow. I'm like that.

After work, I need to get to the post office to mail a bill and pick up my mail. I stopped yesterday and had nothing in my box. Not even garbage. What's up with that?

Tonight's WinterShred again so I have that to look forward to (dripping sarcasm). And by the time I get home, Survivor will be on. Then I'll need to take a bath so it's going to be a late night before I get to bed. Late, as in, 8:30-ish. LOL.

Tomorrow starts all over again and I doubt I'll have snow to shovel.....but my WinterShred homework should take longer than Pilates so I should be o.k. with my timeline.

I feel like I'm in rehab again when everything was timed out. Wake up. Clean bathroom. Shower. Eat. Exercise. Class. Class. Class. Lunch. Class. Class. Class. Exercise. Volleyball. Quiet time. Bed time.

I need some classes, obviously, to fill my time. lol

It's not a bad thing to feel like I'm in rehab again. I'm going to be selling beer & probably filling the case with it, so I better prepare myself.

I'll be fine. Last thing I want to do is drink.

It's only 7:45 but I need a coffee refill and to catch up on the news before I eat.

Have a great day everyone! I hope mine is, too!

"I'd do all my Christmas shopping online, but thrift stores don't usually have a website." -Maxine

Now, why didn't I think of that? I could have shopped at Salvation Army for Christmas gifts. Instead, I'm giving either homemade gifts, food (which I bought with my stamps) or I'm giving away my stuff (or Mom's). Hmm, next year, Salvation Army sounds pretty good!

I'm staring at my budget for this month is it's so high! And that's with the help of food stamps, for pity's sake! First it was health insurance ($369.00) then the City water/trash/sewer and TeleCommunications for $154 plus another $300 for the car. I still have Electric/Gas at $137 + Car insurance & rent insurance at $97.  And then there's cigarettes for the rest of the month + haircut + stuff at the grocery story that food stamps won't buy, like toilet paper. It all adds up to around $1,400 a month. Shit fuck. I thought I cost less than that.

It's shit like this - life - that makes me think I'm just never going to make it. Not without assistance from an outside source, like Food Stamps or Mom & Dad. And what happens when those things go away?

Goddammit, why did I have to look at my budget this morning? Now I'm upset & feeling useless & powerless & worthless & a big piece of shit. And I start work today. I swear, I destroy myself. I do. It's habit.

So moving off that topic - WinterShred wasn't as bad last night as I thought it was going to be. I was ready for my legs to collapse from under me. They didn't. I must be getting stronger. And the ab workouts are easy(ier) for me, even though my stomach just keeps expanding to fit the enormous amounts of food I'm consuming.

Here's my after-lunch-snack yesterday:

That's right. A plate of cookies, fudge and pretzel wreaths. If it's in the damn house, I'm going to eat it and I'm going to eat as much of it at once as I can. I'm of the theory, eat it all and get rid of it. If Mom or Dad read this, come over right away and steal all the goodies. Otherwise, I'm going to weigh 500lbs and lose WinterShred. :(  At least I used a small plate. lol

Today should be a good day. I'm going to start laundry at 6. Finish it by 8:30. Watch a movie during that. Then take my slow, slow time getting ready for work at 10. I have to stop at Mom's on my way to pick up $ then head to work for training, then off to go to therapy for a 1:00 appointment. The roads are not great. I thought they'd be a lot better, but riding with Shan last night on the way to the Big A did not make me feel better. So I may take a different route than normal. I'll have plenty of time and no matter which way you go, it's all practically takes the same time. Then I'm done for the day! Home by 2:30-ish and done.

I start tomorrow all over with work from 10-3, then WinterShred at 5:30.

My life suddenly feels very busy. lol.

I'm glad.

Though not about my budget. Still need to work on that. I've changed my programmable thermostat to lower temps. I can wear more clothes and bundle up in blankets (even though I was doing that already at 66 degrees & 62 at night).  I'm debating about smoking in the garage from now on. It cut down on cigarette usage & soda, surprisingly. I only drink soda if I'm smoking and if I'm sitting inside a nice warm house, then I'm smoking & drinking soda more. So maybe that's something I could change. A small change, because I highly doubt I'll ever quit smoking. I wonder if I could buy cheaper cigarettes - something to check out at my new job! Everything else pretty much stays the same, but maybe I can cut my hair every 5 weeks instead of 4, in the winter. It grows slower anyway in the winter so that would be o.k. And who's looking at me anyway?

All good ideas to change. I think I'll start tomorrow.

On a more positive note, since the open house is complete, I feel o.k. turning on my Christmas lights. I had this huge fear that if I turned them on before the open house, the lights would burn out. Now I don't care so much if they last until Christmas. I want them on NOW. And they are. And they're beautiful. And they make me smile. And no, they haven't burnt out.....yet.

It's almost time to start laundry and the movie, and I need to fill my coffee so off I go to start a new day, a new job and, hopefully a more productive life.

There's just so much food!

Yesterday went beautifully, even with the snow storm. Two of my friends from CB braved the roads and came, as well as 12 other locals. It felt like 100.  I was giving tours, Mom & Dad were answering the door and giving downstairs tours as well, I was washing dishes, making more apple cider (just in case!) and chatting up a storm.

I was in bed by 7.

I was still awake at 4, but made myself stay in bed until 5, staring at my bedroom Christmas lights. I may just keep those up year round. Who'd know? I'm still damn tired so I'm glad today isn't the day I start training at BP and that I don't have to workout this morning because WinterShred is tonight. I can sleep all day if I want to, but I've learned my lesson - my hair will be fixed, I'll have eye liner on and I'll at least be in jeans (if not a sweatshirt).  Pshaw! Who am I kidding. Track pants, here I come!  Take me or leave me, I'm going to be comfortable, dammit.

So, yesterday we had on the dining room table (should have taken a picture - what was I thinking?) Pretzel wreaths, Chex Mix, fudge, sugar cookies (my frosting leaves something to be desired, but they were still darn good), peppermint Hershey's Kisses, and M&M's. In the kitchen we had decaf coffee, apple cider and melted snowmen (i.e. water). The tours seemed to go great - people really seemed to like the house and loved the outside (color). I was surprised by some who showed up and not surprised at all by others. I got a few housewarming gifts, which were totally unexpected and not the point at all, but still much appreciated. One was a wrought iron fruit bowl from Longenberger (?). I guess that means now I have to buy fruit, dammit. LOL. I'm sure I can repurpose it somehow. Another woman gave me a card and when I opened it later that night, I found wrapped in tissue paper, several cut-out-from-books Christmas trees. Crafty!  I don't know, yet, what I'm going to do with them. All my windows are covered! But maybe there's somewhere else to hang them or something else to do with them. I just haven't figured it out yet. They'll stay wrapped in their tissue paper until then. I also got a nightlight wreath, more chocolate, and Christmas coasters.

I just wanted people to come and tour the house and eat and have good conversation. I didn't want gifts, but it was a nice gesture and I think everything else was achieved. But now I have to send thank you cards. *sigh*

The last few people to come were my friends Shannon & Jason and their two wild kids who chased Elvis all around the house. I watched in horror. He finally found a spot they couldn't get to him - in the bathroom closet, behind the litter box. I'm sure he hated it there. And then after everyone had left, I couldn't find him at all. It took Dad & I a 1/2 hour to locate him and we didn't even find him - He found us. I still have no idea where he was hiding. He camouflages really well. I should take him hunting or something. I gave him more love than he's received in a long time - I was worried he escaped out the door.

After everyone had left, I was so excited to smoke in my home again. It wasn't so much the cold of the garage that bothered me; it was the "before" - the wrapping myself up in my coat, putting on gloves, getting a cigarette out before putting on gloves, taking my soda out there, sitting in a cold uncomfortable chair....it was just too much work.  But even in my excitement to smoke indoors, I had to get everything back in order before I could do that. I wouldn't be able to relax until all the dining room chairs were back where they belonged, the recliner was returned to its appropriate angle and the blankets were brought back out to the living room. AND the bed's electric blanket cord was back in place. Most important.

That's the reason I didn't get to bed until 7. (It's sad that 7 is late for me...)  That and the fact that all I'd eaten all day were sugar cookies & pretzel wreaths and I figured I needed something a little more substantial in my belly.  But as soon as all that was covered, I was in the sack and asleep before Elvis could even get under the covers. Poor thing. He had to find his own way under.  And he did.

All in all, it was a fantastic day, though I missed some people due to the snow. Ah well, that's what you get in Iowa in December & I'm sure we'll see each other soon.  I have a ton of food left (I even sent some home with Shannon & kids, like they needed more sugar!).  I need to get it out of my line of sight or it's going to be another snacking day. That's what WinterShred is for, Right?  :)

Time is standing still.

I've done everything I can up to this point. Frosting cookies was interesting. I have a bit of frosting left (a can and a 1/2). I mixed in some coloring so that was fun. There are brown gingerbread men and red reindeer. I made a red gingerbread man to see if it'd look like he was killed. It didn't. It just looked funny. I ate the ones that were already broken. I even threw two away, uneaten. It's wasting food, but if I ate one more sugar cookie, I was going to throw up. Not that they're bad.....they're too good. I have a feeling I'm going to fail WinterShred and not get my free t-shirt.

So it's still snowing. I'm waiting for Noon to roll around then I'm going out to sweep/shovel the walks because at 12:30 I have to do my hair and get some make up on and take the tinfoil off of everything and make the cider and get the water out; oh & start the coffee at Noon before I go out to shovel so it's ready by 1. GEEEEEEEEZY LOU. I love it all.

I really do. I love it. Are you kidding me? I've been sitting on my ass for so long, it's great to be busy. And I love hosting things. I think I'm a great hostess except when I feel like everybody's pulling me in different directions or I have to worry about replenishing the food and beverages or go out & shovel snow.

I have my music ready. I have a radio in the bathroom tuned to our local all-Christmas-music-all-the-time station and have a shower radio hanging upstairs tuned to the same station. If the batteries run out, eh. I'm o.k. with that. I also have my Windows Media Player all loaded with my Christmas CD's so we won't run out of Christmas music to listen to. LOL.

It's now 20 til Noon.  It's still snowing.

Elvis is at least in his appropriate-assigned spot. His bed on my bed. Hopefully he stays there the entire time and doesn't throw up or take a big poop in the middle of the festivities. His poop smell is atrocious and his vomiting is not a sight to be seen. Ugh. That'd be perfect. Elvis getting all worked up by the stranger-traffic and vomiting right in the middle of my bed. See? So I have to worry about that, too.

Thank goodness Mom & Dad are coming over at 12:30. I can shovel/sweep until then and if the snow's still falling, Dad can be on sweeping patrol.  Mom can just be her gracious self and welcome any early birds.

That's it. I can't take it anymore. I'm going to go smoke one cigarette in the ice-cold garage then get my shovel/broom out.  I can't take this waiting!

I. AM. NOT. A. PATIENT. PERSON.

Happy Open House, Everyone!  Hopefully there are pictures involved that I can share with you later....

"Be it ever so crumbled, THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME." -Maxine

Mine isn't crumbled. Mine is just right. I even swept up crap in the unfinished, cement-floored basement. Who does that? Who cares? I do.

So, yesterday afternoon, around 2:30, I think, I was sitting in my velour track suit, cuddled under my electric throw in the recliner, wondering what the hell I was going to do the rest of the afternoon.....and up pulls a car in front of my house. I should have raced to my closet and changed clothes. I should have raced to my bathroom to fix my stocking-cap-flattened-hair. I should have at least put on eye liner. But nooooooo, I just went to the front door, practically in my pajama's, hair not done, no makeup, and welcomed two friends who thought the open house was yesterday.

LMAO

I wasn't all that surprised, really. My friend is notorious for getting meeting dates/times wrong so I should not have been surprised.

But I was caught off guard. I hadn't vacuumed the living room rug. I hadn't lint brushed the furniture. I hadn't put away the multiple blankets in my living room. I hadn't frosted any cookies. I hadn't lit any scented candles. I had, however, been smoking in the garage all day long, so at least there was that. And I had, however, finished the Pretzel Wreaths and I had coffee, so there was that, too.  I was 1/2 prepared and 1/2 is better than not-at-all.

We had a good visit then I called Mom & Dad to drag their asses over in sub-zero temperatures to meet my friends whom they hadn't met. Luckily, they got all bundled up & came over, though Mom looked a little sleepy. LOL.

My afternoon was complete. I really do love surprises. I even love surprise visits. Goes to show me, I should always fix my hair and always at least wear eye liner and always at least wear a pair of jeans. Won't catch me off guard again, I can tell ya!

This morning, I was up at 4. I didn't want to be, but I figure I have to get used to it anyway so might as well stay awake. I did two rounds of two circuits of WinterShred homework. I thought I was going to die but today wasn't as bad as yesterday. I vacuumed the rugs. I started the dishwasher. I bathed. I cleaned the bathroom. I'm washing all my towels because I'm sure they smell of smoke. I brushed Elvis to make him look pretty, though he's so static-y that his hair just sticks straight up. I can't wait to get my humidifier out. Then my electric bill will be even higher! Super! I made my bed as properly as I can with a cat bed on it. I tentatively moved Frosty onto the little sled under my bigger tree and am hoping Elvis doesn't notice him.

I still need to frost cookies and then clean the kitchen counters & sink. I need to make a fresh pot of coffee at Noon. I need to open the curtains and turn the tree lights on. And I need to light the scented candles and start the music and all will be ready.

Or so I think.

For one person.

Ah well, my house has never been so clean and that feels good. And I practically baked all on my own yesterday, even though it only required a microwave. I'm pretty damn proud of myself. Positive thinking!!

"A new home opens the door to warm memories, laughter and love."

I got a package this afternoon from Aunt Hope! I love getting packages. They're always a surprise and I love surprises!

Homemade felt mitten hanger! Hung it in my bare-ass hallway and now it's decorated!

Table-runner, doily and Christmas bracelet. Will use the table runner tomorrow!

Bracelet - my camera, obviously, does not take close pictures well. 

I love all of it!  The card is going in my Bucket of Bliss.

I finished my Pretzel Wreaths. I had to eat a couple that broke when I was taking them off the wax paper. I could eat melted almond bark all on its own, I swear.

I think they look like red & green areolas. That or cyclops. 

I'm as ready for tomorrow as I'll ever be. I've even been smoking in my garage all day and IT. IS. KILLING. ME. Ugh. I hate it. And I don't notice a bit of difference in the smell of my house. Not one bit. But I'm sure others will notice, even if I don't.

Gotta run - I think we're playing v-ball at the high school gym, unless I freeze walking over there. Nope, gonna drive so I can smoke. LOL.

"Nobody ever considers the fact that a bird in the hand is a lot less sanitary than two in the bush." -Maxine

What does that saying even mean? I'm googling it.

"It's better to have a lesser but certain advantage than the possibility of a greater one that may come to nothing."

Hmmmm, I'd agree with that. And now I'm smarter for knowing. It's going to be a good day. LOL

So when I went to therapy on Thursday afternoon, I went for a Walmart run beforehand. All the talk Wednesday night at our mandatory 'nutritionist' meeting made me do the following: buy two containers of ice cream to mix with my peanut butter at home. I blame the nutritionist. She's the one that made me think about it. If I don't think about it, I'm fine. But she made me do it. She did!  That's what I ate for lunch yesterday. Yep, ice cream mixed with chunky peanut butter. I felt awful afterward, but it was so damn good, it was worth the guilt. I didn't eat anything else until dinner at Mom's and even then I only had one helping. Usually I'd eat as much as possible. Which is a lot. My stomach can hold A. LOT. 

The only workout I got yesterday was cleaning the floors, which takes a lot out of a person. And I did end up scrubbing the stairs and the floorboards upstairs. Boy, who knew spiders could make webs so fast and EVERYWHERE? I found one live one in my bathroom. I blamed him for the fact that I had to work so hard and he got flushed down the toilet after a good reaming.  

I woke up at 4:15 this morning and almost went back to sleep, but realized I'd better start getting back up at 4 so I'm used to it for work. Work! Makes me giggle almost every time I think about it; I'm so giddy. 

I did my homework this morning. What the hell are superman planks? Heading out to google that now. 

Ahhh, I should have figured that out on my own. Duh.

I gotta say - I think I may have cancer in my legs. That's the only explanation I can come up with as to why leg exercises are so difficult for me. I did 12 lunges front & back on each leg and had to sit down afterward. WTH is wrong with me? I've been doing leg exercises for months now and especially the last 3 weeks with WinterShred and I still can hardly do them. That's why I think something's seriously wrong. It isn't that I have no leg muscle. No, that couldn't possibly be it. It has to be cancer. 

On today's agenda: making those pretzel/almond bark/ M&M thingies. There should be a name for those. Google, here I come again! 

I'm going with Pretzel Wreaths. Sounds festive! Though I don't know what you'd call them if you're making them at Easter-time. Too bad.

I may also frost the sugar cookies because I really do have a lot on my agenda for tomorrow morning:
Exercise; remove the tinfoil from the stove top; lint brush the furniture; fabreze everything; vacuum the rugs; wipe down anything that looks dusty, again; and bathe. I want to have everything done by Noon so if I'm up at 4, that gives me 8 hours. LOL. I think that's plenty of time. Maybe I'll wait to frost the cookies until tomorrow. LMAO. 

It's only 5:30. I'm holding off on making the Pretzel Wreaths for awhile. What will I do the rest of the day???? Ugh, I hate having so much free time. I bet ya'all hate hearing me say that. I bet you wish you had as much free time as I did. Trust me, it's not so great. 

I was talking to my friend, Theresa, yesterday (she helped me decide to keep the open house on Sunday and not invite folks out today) and I told her about my new job and the fact that I'll actually get to interact with people. She said, "Oh my god, let me write this down - the day Amy wants to interact with people!"  I told her it's like I've been in self-induced solitary confinement for the last 9 months and now I'm ready for people. I needed that time off, but now it's time to get back into the real world. I'm ecstatic I've made it this far. Couldn't have done it without Mom & Dad's unending, unconditional support and love. 

Dad came over yesterday in sub-freezing temperatures to fix the basement board that's taken the place of the basement window (the board had fallen out & I thought I had a visitor in my basement - I wouldn't blame whoever...it's damn cold outside!)  And all Dad wanted was a soda. Mom's support - well, let's just say I wouldn't be here, this far along, without her. She drops everything and finds gloves of hers that will protect my hands when I shovel. She carts me around everywhere, if I need it. She's making the fudge for tomorrow's gathering. She, pretty much, made the sugar cookies all on her own - I wasn't really all that much help. She was the one scurrying around the kitchen - not me. She's just....the best. 

So I've learned - you can't do this thing called 'life' on your own. You've got to have other people in your life who offer support, humor, love, hope, conversation, and yes, even hugs. Damn, I still hate hugs, but sometimes that's what a person needs. 

Enough emotional shit. It's almost 6:00pm. Time for a cigarette and a bath. Speaking of, Dad put in the shower downstairs, but I still love me a good bath. It's too cold for a shower anyway. Baths are much better!  Take a bath today, folks. You'll thank me. 

"I work...therefore I whine" -Maxine

I WORK!  Therefore I'm happy!

The local BP hired me part-time. I'll be working 6AM-2PM weekends! I start Tuesday at 10AM for training. Of course, I have appointments all next week so I have to leave at 12:30 on Tuesday then I have a haircut Friday a.m. at 9 so hopefully we start at 10 that day too.  Then I officially start working on my own next weekend!!!!!

Holy Shit!

"I don't mind Jack Frost nipping at my nose. At my age, I'll take what I can get." -Maxine

Me, too, Maxine. Me, too.

It's 5:30am. I've shook out all the rugs. I've Swiffered & swept all the floors. I've Wet-Jetted the kitchen and bathroom. I'm taking a break before I get down to the god-awful task of hand scrubbing with water all the hardwood floors, of which there are many: living room, dining room, bedroom, hallway and master closet & the stairs. I'm skipping the upstairs floors. It doesn't matter what I do to those; they always look like they're dirty. I might vacuum up all the cobwebs, though.

Snow is a definite on Sunday. Morning until afternoon. Great timing. I've asked my good friend, Susie, if I should invite the CB people who've responded out on Saturday. Would definitely give me more to do today since I'll have these floors done by 7 or 8. Then I could start on the pretzels & frosting cookies. They'll hold until Sunday anyway for the locals.

I told my therapist yesterday (yes, I got in yesterday - someone cancelled) that I've been holding myself back from doing everything I want to do to get the house ready for the open house. Such as the above. I just want to do everything right now and get it all done. But, no, I have to hold off, otherwise I'll have nothing to do tomorrow or Sunday morning, other than sit and worry. And cleaning the bathroom today is stupid since I'll just get it dirty before Sunday and have to clean it all over again. So I might as well wait until Sunday (or Saturday, if that works for folks).

Ugh. Did I say I love winter?

Ah hell, even if one person shows up I'll be happy. It's the anticipation of the event that gets me high. Though I'll really miss seeing my friends. I was really looking forward to that. It's been too long. I need to get out more. I really do.

My therapist was happy about the job opportunity I've got in the works. I'm glad she is because I'm still scared to death. I want it. I really, really do. But it's still scary. She agreed. It is scary. It's scary going back to work, to a new job, after being off for 8 or 9 months. But she applauded my effort to get back into the workforce and the opportunity to interact with people. She has no idea.

(Pause for coffee & cigarette) 

I did more than pause for coffee & a cigarette. It's 6:30 and I've scrubbed the living room & dining room floors. I've rearranged the recliner and put out the dining room chairs around the living room for extra seating.

Look! Even Santa gets his own chair!

I have enough seating in my living room for 8, excluding Elvis' seat. I could have an AA meeting! Plus I have 3 chairs in the dining room. I am so ready.

I just saw the forecast for late Saturday into, pretty much, all day Sunday. 2-4". My thought to myself was, "I'm doing all this for one person." I know at least one person will walk her way over to the house. At least she said she would, regardless of the snow. I love walking in snow (not ice!) so I don't see why ALL my neighbors wouldn't show up (except the very elderly, of course, of which I'm surrounded).  So, ONE PERSON.  I have seating for 11. ONE PERSON.

Oh, I bet Mom & Dad come over so there's 3!

Ah well, at least my house will be clean and I'll have plenty of sweet treats to burn off at WinterShred. :)

(Pause to go scrub bedroom, hallway and closet)

It's 7:15 and I'm done. Finito. Tasks completed for the day. It's a good thing I didn't workout this morning. Scrubbing floors is a workout all it's own. Though I think the local WinterShred crew is getting together tonight to do our homework. I'm good with that.

And can I just say, I'd like to shave Elvis. NOW. Do you know how much cat hair I found in cubbies, corners, dark recesses of the house? Geeezy lou. You'd think he lived here or something.

All I really have left is to make those pretzel things, frost the cookies, lint brush the furniture, vacuum the living room rug, Fabreze everything, and prepare myself to smoke in the ice-cold garage for the next two days. You can imagine, I'm going to smoke like a chimney today. LOL.

Ah hell, I just remembered. I didn't wash down the stairs. Guess what? They're getting the vacuum and that's it. I'm done scrubbing. Who looks at stairs anyway?

I'm off to take my bath and "start" my day.  What to do, what to do?