"The online dating site "Plenty of Fish" (POF) should be called "Plenty of Fucktards."

Hm, it's been awhile since I've written to you, dear reader, and for that I apologize.  I've been through something the last few weeks but dealt with it on my own and in my own way.  I'm still dealing with it.  I'm still not talking about it.  It's less "real" if I keep it that way and I can pretend all is right with my world.  I'm a great believer in denial.  :)

However, there's plenty of other shit I can talk about....

I've had several dates since February 22nd.  Some were just downright horrible.  Some were just eh.  None were stellar.  I'm still searching for someone I feel a spark with, who I'm attracted to, who isn't a goddamn socially inept idiot, who can carry on a decent conversation and who I can have fun with.  Who knew it would be this freaking hard?

My therapist practically applauded me at Thursday's session when I said "But I want more....I want love."  I'm mad at Chris, not for the reasons you would think, but because he awakened my heart, fed me full of love, affection, attention, laughter, fun and then ripped it all away with no notice.  Twice, even!  I was fine before him.  I did everything on my own and didn't want a relationship...and then he happened and it made me realize a relationship is exactly what I want.  With the right person, of course.  So, yah, she about leapt out of her chair.

I don't know where my Prince Charming is....I think he may have died already and I'm hopelessly searching for someone who doesn't exist anymore.

Well, regardless, dating for me is free entertainment.  I  haven't gotten sick of it  yet, though I've come close...it's free, doesn't take much time, I have made friends from it, and it makes me feel social when I'm really not.  It helps me hone my wittiness.

Therapy has been going well.  I really like my therapist and appreciate the fact that she gets me.  She doesn't sit passively and listen.  She makes me think and gives me homework to do.  She knows I like to write and read so the homework fits.  In fact, I texted Shan a couple of weeks ago because I couldn't work through something (see below why this annoys me about myself) and she responded with exactly what I needed.

I could not, for the life of me, write a letter to myself from the viewpoint of an unconditionally loving, compassionate friend.  I am not that person so how could I pretend to be?  Shan made me realize that I really am that person.  She called me "her person", which I love.  I love being someone's "person" and especially hers because I respect and admire her so much.  So, she basically said even though I can't stand kids, if she needed me to, I would take care of hers.  If someone were hurt on my porch, I wouldn't ignore them.  I do love....just not idiots.  :) I still couldn't write that damn letter....

So now we've moved on to homework about low self-esteem.  Like most alcoholics, I'm an egomaniac with low self esteem.  I think I'm awesome but I hate myself.  I'm amazing and fabulous.....and worthless and people would be better off without me.

She's helping me work through understanding low self esteem, what it is, what it isn't, how it starts, how to change it.

It's not easy.  I can't remember when (if ever) I didn't think this way about myself.  It's a bit ridiculous, really.  The things I think and say to myself...the things I believe to be true about me.  I really do hope to change all that.

Easier said than done!

I've changed a couple of things about myself...or am trying to, at least.  I feel like I'm a bad friend.  I've always wondered why people want to be friends with me.  I have never understood why.  I think I'm a pretty shitty friend.  You may not hear from me for months and then I'll text you because I'm frustrated or I need something or I miss you.  So, instead of me feeling like I only reach out when I need something, I'm attempting to keep in touch with those I love and care about without needing something from them.  Just a "Hey, how you doin'?  Here's something to make you laugh"  or "Let's get together this weekend & catch up!"  I miss my friends.  I miss people in my life who I can be all of me around and not worry about rejection.  Or I'm just feeling like a shitty person and attempting to change that...

The other small change is paying attention to what I listen to, read and write in the morning.  I hop on Pinterest most mornings.  Some of what I see is good, some of it is funny and a lot of it is depressing.  So, not anymore.  Now I google "strong women" or "women exercise" or whatever trips my trigger that morning and read quotes/memes about women who kick ass.  It helps.  It really does.  I write in my journal, honestly, but I don't focus on the negative shit.  Instead, I work through, positively, whatever I'm feeling.  I listen to music that makes me feel good, not depressed.  Sometimes I workout.  Most times I just drink coffee and write.  It all works....doesn't hurt, either, that I doubled my dose of medication, lol.

Work has been crazy busy between tax season and the new attorney....who I really like.  He's "normal" and I can joke with him and be me.  He's not an asshole to me.  It really takes very little to get my loyalty.  Just don't be an asshole.  There.  Simple.  I don't know why everybody hasn't figured that out yet.  When the new guy gets stressed out, he watches pandas going down a slide or cats getting brain freeze.  I told him to get a punching bag.

I'm actually thinking about making some pinatas to hang in the office.  I wonder what the other two attorneys would think?  There have been a few times I've come home from work with no intention of working out so instead of wrapping my hands and all that, I take the baseball bat to the bag.  It feels good to send my anger, frustration, whatever through the bat and into the bag...and I feel like an idiot, so it makes me laugh at myself.

So that's me the last few weeks.  Living in denial.  Trying to stay positive.  Focusing on change. Spending time with myself and being okay with it...again.  Mainly, just trying to keep my shit together for one more day.

Hahaha, at least I'm NOT that.....anymore!