I am not a social person....especially now that I'm sober. There are things, plenty of things, to do socially as a sober person. Go to the movies. Go out to eat. Visit the museum. Go for a walk. (That's the extent of my social radar and 'visiting a museum' is a stretch....)
I don't want to do any of those things, but give me a beer and I'm there. Yes, I would drink a beer (or 3) and then go to the movies or the museum or for a walk (stumble). Yet, now that I'm sober, I don't want to do much of anything except go to meetings, go to work, go home, go to bed.
My journal entries read like Debbie-Downers-Diary, "I'm bored". That's all I've written in 2 weeks. "I'm bored".
Do I do anything about that? Do I call a friend to go out to eat? Do I call a friend just to chat? Rarely. Do I go for a solitary walk? Never. Do I just get off my ass and do Pilates at home? No. I sit on the sofa, smoking a cigarette, staring blankly at the t.v. (and the Pilates DVD case) and think about it.
I went to bed Friday night at 1:00AM (after falling asleep on the couch, of course-- no way would I voluntarily stay up until 1AM!). I actually had the thought, while I was trying to fall back to sleep, "I should go running tomorrow (this) morning." RUNNING. I don't run! I loathe running! I don't have the lung capacity to run! Yet, I had that thought because my brain knows, even if I consciously don't, that this ass needs to get moving. I, obviously, didn't go running. My brain might know better, but my body knows best.
My sponsor made me promise her that I would go for a walk today after work, outside. She was clear about that point-- I can't walk circles inside or do Pilates in my apartment. When I suggested doing Pilates on my balcony, she laughed. I promised I'd go for a walk, outside. I lamented that I couldn't walk Elvis the Cat because I think he needs it as much as I do.
My sponsor barely even knows me but she knows enough to know that I'm going down a dark path. I'm getting in a rut. I'm boring myself to death. And that leads to drinking.
I will never be one of those people with a full calendar. Nor do I want to be. When I say I don't like people, I really mean it. I'm not kidding around. We're a virus with shoes. I can barely stand to be with myself....how am I supposed to suffer other people?
I realize I don't have to be a socialite. I don't have to book every night on my calendar with dinner reservations, movies, chatting on the phone....being with people. I do, however, need to take a small step to staying sober. And if that means going for a walk, outside, with other people, fine. FINE!
(Thanks to my buddy, Susie, for agreeing to slothfully walk with me this pre-evening) :)
Monday, January 30, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things." -George Carlin
Every Tuesday afternoon, I have staff meeting at work. Yesterday, I led the devotion. Since I don't believe in god, or prayer, or the Bible I tend to come up with humorous stories or more 'self-help' type stuff. I found something on http://www.inspire21.com/ that fit the bill-- Q-TIP IT!
Q-tip is an acronym for Quit Taking It Personally! (On a side note: Google Q-tip for images. Apparently there's a black man whose name is Q-tip. Who knew? And who would want to be associated with cleaning wax out of your ears? Yuck.)
Today's AA reading was about Step 11. I must confess, I didn't really pay attention to the reading. I was thinking about hair color and if I didn't color my hair what would it look like and why I don't pay to have my hair colored at a salon. I was really off topic. I did, however, pay attention to the folks who spoke after the reading and found that my 'devotion' from the previous day fit nicely.
People talked about expectations and controlling everything and giving it up to their 'higher power'. I talked about Q-TIP. That's what it, essentially, comes down to. Stop taking everything so personally! The government isn't trying to screw you out of money-- they just don't have any to send you- Q-TIP IT! That person isn't screwing up their life to mess with yours- QTIP IT!
Yet, as alcoholics, we're very controlling people (or so we think). We want to control our environment, the people in it and everything that happens. I doubt only alcoholics do this, but it is a defining trait for those of us who are alcoholics. So when we can't control something, we take it personally. It really screws with our lives. We have to learn to let those things go (the courage to accept the things we cannot change).
My grandmother watches a lot of t.v. and listens to a lot of radio. Politics & Religion. Save us all. She gets all worked up about what she hears. I've never understood why and I've often thought "I wish grandma was a recovering alcoholic so she'd attend AA meetings and hear what I hear and learn what I learn. She'd be so much happier". Except that she'd be a recovering alcoholic. (Side note: Grandma is not an alcoholic. I don't think she even drinks alcohol.)
I have no control over the political establishment of the United States, therefore, I don't really care. They're going to do what they're going to do regardless of what I think, say or do. They don't upset me. BUT, if I see a stranger walking down the street with a glum look on their face, it's because they hate me. A stranger. Hates me. Ridiculous, isn't it? I sometimes attend a lunch meeting on Monday and there's a woman there who perpetually looks pissed off. It's just her "look". She isn't really pissed off every time I see her. Yet, it takes everything in me not to feel like she hates me and it's my fault that she's pissed.
That isn't about control. It's taking personally something that has absolutely nothing to do with me. It's thinking I'm the Center of the Universe and cause disruption wherever I go. I've learned over many, many years and am still learning today, I am not the Center of the Universe. Strangers rarely even notice my presence. Hell, people I know rarely even notice my presence! There are other things going on in their lives that have nothing to do with me. I have to remind myself of that all the time.
So when you start to take something personally (My computer froze because it hates me! That old man is driving slow to purposely make me late! My keys are hiding from me!) picture a Q-TIP. And by that I mean, the white little puff-ball-stick that you use to clean out your ears. Not the black-man-musician.
Today's AA reading was about Step 11. I must confess, I didn't really pay attention to the reading. I was thinking about hair color and if I didn't color my hair what would it look like and why I don't pay to have my hair colored at a salon. I was really off topic. I did, however, pay attention to the folks who spoke after the reading and found that my 'devotion' from the previous day fit nicely.
People talked about expectations and controlling everything and giving it up to their 'higher power'. I talked about Q-TIP. That's what it, essentially, comes down to. Stop taking everything so personally! The government isn't trying to screw you out of money-- they just don't have any to send you- Q-TIP IT! That person isn't screwing up their life to mess with yours- QTIP IT!
Yet, as alcoholics, we're very controlling people (or so we think). We want to control our environment, the people in it and everything that happens. I doubt only alcoholics do this, but it is a defining trait for those of us who are alcoholics. So when we can't control something, we take it personally. It really screws with our lives. We have to learn to let those things go (the courage to accept the things we cannot change).
My grandmother watches a lot of t.v. and listens to a lot of radio. Politics & Religion. Save us all. She gets all worked up about what she hears. I've never understood why and I've often thought "I wish grandma was a recovering alcoholic so she'd attend AA meetings and hear what I hear and learn what I learn. She'd be so much happier". Except that she'd be a recovering alcoholic. (Side note: Grandma is not an alcoholic. I don't think she even drinks alcohol.)
I have no control over the political establishment of the United States, therefore, I don't really care. They're going to do what they're going to do regardless of what I think, say or do. They don't upset me. BUT, if I see a stranger walking down the street with a glum look on their face, it's because they hate me. A stranger. Hates me. Ridiculous, isn't it? I sometimes attend a lunch meeting on Monday and there's a woman there who perpetually looks pissed off. It's just her "look". She isn't really pissed off every time I see her. Yet, it takes everything in me not to feel like she hates me and it's my fault that she's pissed.
That isn't about control. It's taking personally something that has absolutely nothing to do with me. It's thinking I'm the Center of the Universe and cause disruption wherever I go. I've learned over many, many years and am still learning today, I am not the Center of the Universe. Strangers rarely even notice my presence. Hell, people I know rarely even notice my presence! There are other things going on in their lives that have nothing to do with me. I have to remind myself of that all the time.
So when you start to take something personally (My computer froze because it hates me! That old man is driving slow to purposely make me late! My keys are hiding from me!) picture a Q-TIP. And by that I mean, the white little puff-ball-stick that you use to clean out your ears. Not the black-man-musician.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' -Charles Schulz
As suspected, I did not do Step 4 correctly. Shocker, huh? "If you're done in less than fifteen minutes, you get to start over." I thought it was just listing out all of my moral & character defects, like I did in the previous post. Nope. It's an extensive process that includes listing out Resentments/Anger, Guilt/Remorse/Shame, Fear, and Pride/Warmth/Love/Kindness. Under each of those headings are the People or Institutions I feel those things towards, Why I feel that way, Which character defects fall into those catagories, and the Belief/Motivation that is at the core.
My sponsor gave me a pamphlet to guide me through the process. I've read through it twice and underlined a lot. I've re-started Step 4. It isn't going to be easy-peasy, like I thought. I may call you to find out how my drinking affected you, if it did at all. I tend to think nobody noticed until the very end when I allowed people to notice. So if nobody noticed, then I probably didn't affect anybody at all. Except, I know that I did. What I need to know is how that made you feel, how it affected you because I don't know myself. "Others who know us well can give us accurate and much needed insight while we are completing our inventories." I have a lot of work to do and it isn't going to be easy or pleasant or fun. It's going to be heart-wrenching and difficult and hurtful. This is a dangerous time.
As my sponsor and I were talking (or I should say, as I was venting about a situation) she said to me, "I used to drink so I wouldn't think". EXACTLY! That's exactly right.....and I need a drink right-freaking-now! I was a little bit terrified because I wanted to stop thinking about a particular situation. I knew if I didn't, my night would be ruined, the next day would be ruined, the next night would be ruined and so on & so on because I can beat a dead horse to death. On my way home, I got pissed. Pissed at the situation, but then pissed at myself. How dare I allow an outside factor to affect me so strongly! How dare I jeopardize my sobriety and all that I worked for, for something (someone) so incredibly stupid! NO! That is not going to happen. I will not allow that to happen. So I have a lot of work to do in rectifying this situation-- or at least getting it to a place where I don't want to drink just so I don't think about it.
As I began working on Step 4, Resentments/Anger, I realized almost every single character defect of mine comes into play with one particular person & institution. I bet you can guess who/what it is. It disturbs me that all of my negative qualities come into play at once and in my opinion, will make that particular resentment/anger incredibly difficult to rectify. Yet, it needs to be done in order to move forward, to grow, to no longer allow an outside person/place to affect me so.
'FRAGILE: HANDLE WITH CARE' should be posted on my forehead. One day, I think I've got a handle on this 'thing'. The next day, I'm ready to throw it all away for a drink. One day, I think "I'm loving life!" The next I'm thinking "I just want it to be over". I only have 5+months sober. It's a blink of an eye. In the grand scheme of things, it's no time at all. I do not have all the answers. I have not figured this 'thing' out.
But I'm on my way.....
My sponsor gave me a pamphlet to guide me through the process. I've read through it twice and underlined a lot. I've re-started Step 4. It isn't going to be easy-peasy, like I thought. I may call you to find out how my drinking affected you, if it did at all. I tend to think nobody noticed until the very end when I allowed people to notice. So if nobody noticed, then I probably didn't affect anybody at all. Except, I know that I did. What I need to know is how that made you feel, how it affected you because I don't know myself. "Others who know us well can give us accurate and much needed insight while we are completing our inventories." I have a lot of work to do and it isn't going to be easy or pleasant or fun. It's going to be heart-wrenching and difficult and hurtful. This is a dangerous time.
As my sponsor and I were talking (or I should say, as I was venting about a situation) she said to me, "I used to drink so I wouldn't think". EXACTLY! That's exactly right.....and I need a drink right-freaking-now! I was a little bit terrified because I wanted to stop thinking about a particular situation. I knew if I didn't, my night would be ruined, the next day would be ruined, the next night would be ruined and so on & so on because I can beat a dead horse to death. On my way home, I got pissed. Pissed at the situation, but then pissed at myself. How dare I allow an outside factor to affect me so strongly! How dare I jeopardize my sobriety and all that I worked for, for something (someone) so incredibly stupid! NO! That is not going to happen. I will not allow that to happen. So I have a lot of work to do in rectifying this situation-- or at least getting it to a place where I don't want to drink just so I don't think about it.
As I began working on Step 4, Resentments/Anger, I realized almost every single character defect of mine comes into play with one particular person & institution. I bet you can guess who/what it is. It disturbs me that all of my negative qualities come into play at once and in my opinion, will make that particular resentment/anger incredibly difficult to rectify. Yet, it needs to be done in order to move forward, to grow, to no longer allow an outside person/place to affect me so.
'FRAGILE: HANDLE WITH CARE' should be posted on my forehead. One day, I think I've got a handle on this 'thing'. The next day, I'm ready to throw it all away for a drink. One day, I think "I'm loving life!" The next I'm thinking "I just want it to be over". I only have 5+months sober. It's a blink of an eye. In the grand scheme of things, it's no time at all. I do not have all the answers. I have not figured this 'thing' out.
But I'm on my way.....
Sunday, January 15, 2012
"Recall the old story of the rather refined young man who preferred sex dreams to visiting brothels because he met a much nicer type of girl that way." ~Vivian Mercer
What feels like an entire lifetime in the dream-state is actually only about 5 to 20 minutes in 'real' life. Amazing. My dreams are like soap operas and just as long & dramatic. Last night, I contemplated moving back to my old apartment, but some man was living there and it was his "mistress-pad" (he was married but my old apartment was where he hung out with his two mistresses). It was someone from church, go figure. The entire apartment had changed, but the neighborhood hadn't and I kept wondering, "Why am I even considering this?" It was much, much later in the dream, after many other things had happened, that this horror struck:
I was getting a soda out of an Igloo cooler. The only sodas in there were generic (not my typical Caf-Free Diet Pepsi) so I grabbed what I thought was closest to my drink, popped it open and took a sip. IT. WAS. BEER. I screamed. I cried. I railed. I yelled, "Do I have to start all over now? I had 150 days and because of one sip I have to go back to square one!?!?!?!" My friend, Nick, was sitting at the table and said, "Yep".
Thanks. Thanks, Nick.
I think most of the time our dreams are just a jumble of subconscious thoughts with little to no meaning. Mine are certainly entertaining but most of the time I don't put a lot of stock in them. They're just my subconscious releasing it's pent-up insanity in a safe environment so I won't do it in real life. BUT, every once in awhile my dreams do have meaning and those I take very seriously.
I will not be drinking any generic 'soda' any time soon, I can tell ya that!
More importantly, I will be more vigilant, more alert, more on guard. More likely, I will run & hide from booze like the little girl that I am.
I was getting a soda out of an Igloo cooler. The only sodas in there were generic (not my typical Caf-Free Diet Pepsi) so I grabbed what I thought was closest to my drink, popped it open and took a sip. IT. WAS. BEER. I screamed. I cried. I railed. I yelled, "Do I have to start all over now? I had 150 days and because of one sip I have to go back to square one!?!?!?!" My friend, Nick, was sitting at the table and said, "Yep".
Thanks. Thanks, Nick.
I think most of the time our dreams are just a jumble of subconscious thoughts with little to no meaning. Mine are certainly entertaining but most of the time I don't put a lot of stock in them. They're just my subconscious releasing it's pent-up insanity in a safe environment so I won't do it in real life. BUT, every once in awhile my dreams do have meaning and those I take very seriously.
I will not be drinking any generic 'soda' any time soon, I can tell ya that!
More importantly, I will be more vigilant, more alert, more on guard. More likely, I will run & hide from booze like the little girl that I am.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
"Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got." Josh Billings
I know my dad will like the above quote. First time he read it, he thought it said "jollies" instead of "follies". Changes the entire meaning. I like both.
I'm on Step 4 of the Alcoholics Anonymous "12-Steps". Quite honestly, it's a miracle I made it past Step 3: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." Tell me, what's an atheist to do? I could have stayed on Step 3 the rest of my life if not for the help of my sponsor. AA Steps sure are more difficult when you don't believe in god. You've got to get a little more creative!
On to Step 4: "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." Easy-peasy! I'm the most self-aware (re: selfish) person I know when it comes to my moral defects! I've been doing this for years! Won't take but a minute!
:)
Here ya go and by no means is this list complete. I'm sure I'll be adding to it in days to come. This can't be it. There are only 35 descriptive words for my defects. Surely there are more. Don't worry-- I'll end this post with my assets, of which I tried to find 25. I didn't. *chuckle*
Defects: Selfish, Unsympathetic, Not compassionate, Self-righteous, Judgmental, Self-loathing, Fearful, Too direct, "Surrounded by idiots" (What would this be called? Intellecutally superior?), Worry, Anxiety, Pessimistic, Ashamed, Resentments, "I deserve..." (Again, what would this be called? It's on the tip of my tongue.....), Stubborn, Distrustful, Controlling, Frustrated, Apathetic, Critical, Cynical (how is this bad?), Defensive, Insolent, Dishonest, Gossiping, Hateful, Bitchy, Insecure, Intolerant, Masked, Perfectionistic, Sarcastic (again, how is this bad?), Spiteful, Suspicious, Tense.
This was too easy. Surely I've done something incorrect here. I realize I'll need to go in depth with each of my defects with my sponsor to complete Step 5: "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs." Good thing they put that "to another human being" in there or I might have just admitted everything to Elvis the cat. Obviously I won't be admitting these things to god since I don't believe in any god. See? Yet another AA Step I'll get an "incomplete" on. It's almost like getting an F.
Alright- to end on a positive note, here are my assets....
Assets: Considerate, Decisive, Intuitive, Independent, Clean!, Candid, Realistic, Practical, Responsible, Honest, Tasteful, Industrious, Disciplined (acts promptly), Willing to Grow, Polite, Praising, Admiring, Admitting wrong, Grateful, Content, Friendly, Thrifty, Succinct.
I'm grateful that 'clean' can be one of my assets.
I'm on Step 4 of the Alcoholics Anonymous "12-Steps". Quite honestly, it's a miracle I made it past Step 3: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." Tell me, what's an atheist to do? I could have stayed on Step 3 the rest of my life if not for the help of my sponsor. AA Steps sure are more difficult when you don't believe in god. You've got to get a little more creative!
On to Step 4: "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." Easy-peasy! I'm the most self-aware (re: selfish) person I know when it comes to my moral defects! I've been doing this for years! Won't take but a minute!
:)
Here ya go and by no means is this list complete. I'm sure I'll be adding to it in days to come. This can't be it. There are only 35 descriptive words for my defects. Surely there are more. Don't worry-- I'll end this post with my assets, of which I tried to find 25. I didn't. *chuckle*
Defects: Selfish, Unsympathetic, Not compassionate, Self-righteous, Judgmental, Self-loathing, Fearful, Too direct, "Surrounded by idiots" (What would this be called? Intellecutally superior?), Worry, Anxiety, Pessimistic, Ashamed, Resentments, "I deserve..." (Again, what would this be called? It's on the tip of my tongue.....), Stubborn, Distrustful, Controlling, Frustrated, Apathetic, Critical, Cynical (how is this bad?), Defensive, Insolent, Dishonest, Gossiping, Hateful, Bitchy, Insecure, Intolerant, Masked, Perfectionistic, Sarcastic (again, how is this bad?), Spiteful, Suspicious, Tense.
This was too easy. Surely I've done something incorrect here. I realize I'll need to go in depth with each of my defects with my sponsor to complete Step 5: "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs." Good thing they put that "to another human being" in there or I might have just admitted everything to Elvis the cat. Obviously I won't be admitting these things to god since I don't believe in any god. See? Yet another AA Step I'll get an "incomplete" on. It's almost like getting an F.
Alright- to end on a positive note, here are my assets....
Assets: Considerate, Decisive, Intuitive, Independent, Clean!, Candid, Realistic, Practical, Responsible, Honest, Tasteful, Industrious, Disciplined (acts promptly), Willing to Grow, Polite, Praising, Admiring, Admitting wrong, Grateful, Content, Friendly, Thrifty, Succinct.
I'm grateful that 'clean' can be one of my assets.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog." -Mark Twain
What makes one alcoholic quit drinking and another continue? This has been rattling around in my brain for quite some time.
I think the majority of alcoholics despise themselves and their lives. Either they (we) despise ourselves to begin with or we come to despise ourselves in the midst of the addiction. I think we feel like we don't deserve anything better than to be a drunk. I think we drink to dull the pain, to divert attention from the real issues, to mask....anything, and to eventually 'do ourselves in'. It didn't start out that way for me, but it certainly ended up that way.
But....I still don't like myself very much so what stops me from picking up that first drink? What stopped me from giving into those harsh cravings I had every day for 2 months after treatment? What stops me, now, from swinging by Kum & Go for an 18-pack?
The group this morning seemed to think hitting rock bottom was important to finally "getting it". I didn't hit rock bottom, though, which freaks me out a little bit. Like, since I didn't hit rock bottom maybe I'm not really "getting it". A person could drive themselves crazy listening to what everybody else 'thinks'. I didn't get a DUI. The court wasn't forcing me to go to treatment. I hadn't lost my job. I hadn't totalled my car. I hadn't been to prison. I didn't kill anybody, though I think I wanted to. Oh hell, let's be honest. Sometimes I still want to. Besides the point....I really didn't hit rock bottom. YET.
I could see where my path was going. I saw the end of the road and it scared the shit out of me. I knew if something didn't change, I'd die. For once in my life, I didn't want to die.
I think I would have a strong physical reaction to even seriously considering that first drink. Do you ever do something that you know is really, really wrong? For example, the first time I tried to smoke a cigarette, I felt icky, even before taking that first drag. I was nauseated. My stomach was a whirlwind of butterflies-- and not good, pretty butterflies, but huge, monstrous, scary ones. I didn't want to do it. My body was telling me that it was wrong, yet I still did it. Got over those feelings pretty easily, didn't I? Yet, I still had those feelings. Now, I would too. I honestly believe, because I now know how bad drinking even one (it's never just one) beer would be, that I would have a strong physical reaction, to the point of vomiting.
That isn't what keeps me from drinking....but it helps.
Today's reading was how an alcoholics 'choice' is taken away from them, even after one drink. I semi-agree. After 30 days of treatment, it would have been my choice to pick up that first drink. After learning all that I learned about alcoholism, it was my responsibility to put those tools to work for me and not drink. So, yes, it would have been my choice to drink. It still is my choice, thankfully. BUT, in the midst of the addiction, I agree that the choice is taken away from the person. It's no longer their choice to drink. It's a compulsion. That's where outside help is necessary, essential even, to help that person achieve sobriety.
What works for me is this: I hate feeling stupid. I hate other people thinking I'm stupid. I want to be smart & strong & capable. For me, drinking would be the stupidest choice I could make. I absolutely, unequivically do not want to be stupid. Obviously, this could seriously backfire on my ass....What if I slip & drink? Then I'm stupid. I'd feel bad enough about myself after drinking, that laying on the "I'm stupid"-card wouldn't help. Whatever. It's working for me right now and right now is all I have.
But....that isn't all the helps keep me sober.
I've said before, as far as alcoholics go, I'm truly lucky. I have a great support system. Family, friends, employer, AA, my sponsor, etc, etc, etc. I leaned on a lot of people after I got out of treatment and I still lean on them today. There were many times I had to pick up that damned, dreaded cell phone and call someone as I was driving home from work because the urge & craving was so strong. I'm grateful that the days have gotten better and I have to use that damned thing less & less. What's great is knowing it's still there and the support is still there, if & when I need it.
But.....neither is that all that helps keep me sober.
It isn't up for debate anymore that an alcoholics brain is different from a normal brain. No doubt. It helps me to imagine an actual on/off switch in my brain. Normal people don't have this switch, lucky bastards. They can go to a party, say, "I'm getting a buzz, I better quit drinking!" and actually stop, whereas an alcoholic would say, "I'm getting a buzz-- I know I should quit drinking, but....just one more....or maybe 6 more!" Addiction switches ON. After about 100 days of sobriety, my switch finally went OFF. I know, just one drink and that damn switch would flip to ON faster than you could say "Holy Beer, Batman".
I think the majority of alcoholics despise themselves and their lives. Either they (we) despise ourselves to begin with or we come to despise ourselves in the midst of the addiction. I think we feel like we don't deserve anything better than to be a drunk. I think we drink to dull the pain, to divert attention from the real issues, to mask....anything, and to eventually 'do ourselves in'. It didn't start out that way for me, but it certainly ended up that way.
But....I still don't like myself very much so what stops me from picking up that first drink? What stopped me from giving into those harsh cravings I had every day for 2 months after treatment? What stops me, now, from swinging by Kum & Go for an 18-pack?
The group this morning seemed to think hitting rock bottom was important to finally "getting it". I didn't hit rock bottom, though, which freaks me out a little bit. Like, since I didn't hit rock bottom maybe I'm not really "getting it". A person could drive themselves crazy listening to what everybody else 'thinks'. I didn't get a DUI. The court wasn't forcing me to go to treatment. I hadn't lost my job. I hadn't totalled my car. I hadn't been to prison. I didn't kill anybody, though I think I wanted to. Oh hell, let's be honest. Sometimes I still want to. Besides the point....I really didn't hit rock bottom. YET.
I could see where my path was going. I saw the end of the road and it scared the shit out of me. I knew if something didn't change, I'd die. For once in my life, I didn't want to die.
I think I would have a strong physical reaction to even seriously considering that first drink. Do you ever do something that you know is really, really wrong? For example, the first time I tried to smoke a cigarette, I felt icky, even before taking that first drag. I was nauseated. My stomach was a whirlwind of butterflies-- and not good, pretty butterflies, but huge, monstrous, scary ones. I didn't want to do it. My body was telling me that it was wrong, yet I still did it. Got over those feelings pretty easily, didn't I? Yet, I still had those feelings. Now, I would too. I honestly believe, because I now know how bad drinking even one (it's never just one) beer would be, that I would have a strong physical reaction, to the point of vomiting.
That isn't what keeps me from drinking....but it helps.
Today's reading was how an alcoholics 'choice' is taken away from them, even after one drink. I semi-agree. After 30 days of treatment, it would have been my choice to pick up that first drink. After learning all that I learned about alcoholism, it was my responsibility to put those tools to work for me and not drink. So, yes, it would have been my choice to drink. It still is my choice, thankfully. BUT, in the midst of the addiction, I agree that the choice is taken away from the person. It's no longer their choice to drink. It's a compulsion. That's where outside help is necessary, essential even, to help that person achieve sobriety.
What works for me is this: I hate feeling stupid. I hate other people thinking I'm stupid. I want to be smart & strong & capable. For me, drinking would be the stupidest choice I could make. I absolutely, unequivically do not want to be stupid. Obviously, this could seriously backfire on my ass....What if I slip & drink? Then I'm stupid. I'd feel bad enough about myself after drinking, that laying on the "I'm stupid"-card wouldn't help. Whatever. It's working for me right now and right now is all I have.
But....that isn't all the helps keep me sober.
I've said before, as far as alcoholics go, I'm truly lucky. I have a great support system. Family, friends, employer, AA, my sponsor, etc, etc, etc. I leaned on a lot of people after I got out of treatment and I still lean on them today. There were many times I had to pick up that damned, dreaded cell phone and call someone as I was driving home from work because the urge & craving was so strong. I'm grateful that the days have gotten better and I have to use that damned thing less & less. What's great is knowing it's still there and the support is still there, if & when I need it.
But.....neither is that all that helps keep me sober.
I've traded King of Beers for "the nectar of the gods". Coffee instead of beer. It isn't the caffeine that does it for me; I drink decaf (or 3/4 decaf, anyway). It's more the habit of drinking something all day long. I'm sure it's equally as bad for my body as alcohol was, just in a different way, but at least I don't act stupid when I drink coffee. I just pee a lot.
It isn't up for debate anymore that an alcoholics brain is different from a normal brain. No doubt. It helps me to imagine an actual on/off switch in my brain. Normal people don't have this switch, lucky bastards. They can go to a party, say, "I'm getting a buzz, I better quit drinking!" and actually stop, whereas an alcoholic would say, "I'm getting a buzz-- I know I should quit drinking, but....just one more....or maybe 6 more!" Addiction switches ON. After about 100 days of sobriety, my switch finally went OFF. I know, just one drink and that damn switch would flip to ON faster than you could say "Holy Beer, Batman". I think you can see, it isn't one thing that helps a person stay sober. There isn't any magic wand to wave or Fairy Godmother that would make my addiction disappear. Dammit. It takes a conscious decision, a lot of outside support, and internal understanding (& lots of coffee) to make it happen for me everyday. I'm grateful that, as of today, sobriety has stuck. I know, though, that my sobriety is in a tenuous grasp and every day is a battle to stay sober. I imagine I'm a kick-ass-kind-of-gal so part of me says, "Bring it on, you sneaky SOB". I'm ready for battle.
In all reality, I'm like the wimpy kid who, when faced with a fight, runs & hides. I'm o.k. with that.
Monday, January 9, 2012
LATEST: Beer Ranking
It's a good thing I stopped drinking when I did.
Budweiser lost its spot as the No. 2 brew. Coors Light took over that ranking. Bud Light still holds the No. 1 position which shocks me because I quit drinking 5 months ago and I'm pretty sure I was the main reason they were No. 1. I would have thought sales would have dropped significantly since August. Apparently the other millions of drinkers have kept the brew in the top spot.
Whew.
Budweiser lost its spot as the No. 2 brew. Coors Light took over that ranking. Bud Light still holds the No. 1 position which shocks me because I quit drinking 5 months ago and I'm pretty sure I was the main reason they were No. 1. I would have thought sales would have dropped significantly since August. Apparently the other millions of drinkers have kept the brew in the top spot.
Whew.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific." --Lily Tomlin
I rented a movie from Redbox yesterday. One which I had never heard of before, but thought it sounded good. I was wrong. Why do I never learn my lesson? If I haven't heard of a movie, I shouldn't rent it. My judgment cannot be trusted.
The movie was called "Another Earth". It's basically a story about a girl and her messed-up life. Yes, there is 'another Earth' in the movie, but don't get your hopes up. The movie isn't as good as it could be. What the movie did do for me was make me wonder....If there was another Me living on another Earth, what would I do/say/feel if I met the other Me?
First, I'd want to know what Me2's life was like. Is it identical? Did our life paths take the same direction or are there minute differences or huge differences? I imagine Me2's life as somewhat better than my own. One minor change at age-whatever could alter a life significantly. Maybe Me2's older brother didn't force her to play Monopoly as a kid and she grew up mathematically-challenged. Maybe Me2 didn't get a bicycle at age 8 and she grew up afraid to fall. Maybe Me2 didn't take that first drink at age 14. Maybe hers was taken at 18 and she didn't grow up to be an alcoholic. Maybe Me2 was sick the night of the school break-in and so it never happened. She stayed in the hometown, didn't transfer schools, wound up pregnant and never made it to college. OK, maybe Me2's life wouldn't have been better at all.
But think about it. One minor blip, one small change would make the path of your life go in a different direction. At the time, you'd have no idea it happened. You couldn't even fathom your life taking a different direction. But it could.....
Here's what I know. If I met Me2, regardless of what her life was like, I'd beat the living shit out of her. I'd have my Mr. T rings on, steel-toe boots, and a helmet to assist in the beating. Because she is me and I'd enjoy nothing more than beating the shit out of myself.
The movie was called "Another Earth". It's basically a story about a girl and her messed-up life. Yes, there is 'another Earth' in the movie, but don't get your hopes up. The movie isn't as good as it could be. What the movie did do for me was make me wonder....If there was another Me living on another Earth, what would I do/say/feel if I met the other Me?
First, I'd want to know what Me2's life was like. Is it identical? Did our life paths take the same direction or are there minute differences or huge differences? I imagine Me2's life as somewhat better than my own. One minor change at age-whatever could alter a life significantly. Maybe Me2's older brother didn't force her to play Monopoly as a kid and she grew up mathematically-challenged. Maybe Me2 didn't get a bicycle at age 8 and she grew up afraid to fall. Maybe Me2 didn't take that first drink at age 14. Maybe hers was taken at 18 and she didn't grow up to be an alcoholic. Maybe Me2 was sick the night of the school break-in and so it never happened. She stayed in the hometown, didn't transfer schools, wound up pregnant and never made it to college. OK, maybe Me2's life wouldn't have been better at all.
But think about it. One minor blip, one small change would make the path of your life go in a different direction. At the time, you'd have no idea it happened. You couldn't even fathom your life taking a different direction. But it could.....
Here's what I know. If I met Me2, regardless of what her life was like, I'd beat the living shit out of her. I'd have my Mr. T rings on, steel-toe boots, and a helmet to assist in the beating. Because she is me and I'd enjoy nothing more than beating the shit out of myself.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
This is my life.
I think it's time to post about my history-- my alcoholic life map. Hold onto your britches cause this is gonna be ugly.
I've said at many AA meetings how I never really put 2 & 2 together. For example, I didn't think alcohol had anything to do with any other problem in my life. But when I did my life map in treatment, it struck me hard. I wish I could just post the pictures I drew, but I can't, so you get it in word. My stick-figure-pictures sucked anyway.
I had my first drink at age 13 or 14 (I can't remember exactly, so bear with me). It was Peppermint Schnapps and I drank to oblivion. I lost my virginity at age 14, while I was passed out drunk. Good boyfriend, right? My personal space was violated at age 15, while I was passed out drunk. I broke into the local school with my then-boyfriend, his brother and his friend, at age 15, while I was drunk. My then-boyfriend and I were caught, arrested, ticketed. I was suspended from school and kicked off of all extra-curricular activities for a year. I had my first alcohol evaluation. My personal space was again violated, that same year, by the assistant basketball coach, not while I was drunk. Asshole. I left home, by my own choice, at age 15 to move to a different town and live with a different family. It was a decision my parents and I made together. It was a good decision. (Enough shit happened at age 15 to last a lifetime.)
I graduated from high school and went off to college. I drank occassionally. At age 19, I got pregnant. I had an abortion. I tried to end my life. I was diagnosed with "Major Depressive Disorder". No shit, sherlock. I moved back home.
Life got better. I got medicated. At age 22, I graduated with my Bachelor of Science in Criminal Justice. At age 24, I graduated with my Master's in Public Administration.
At age 25, I moved to CB. I lived alone. I worked full-time. I fought mental illness. I was arrested while on vacation in Colorado for a DUI in May, 2000. I had my second alcohol evaluation. Later that year, while on anti-depressants and drinking at the hometown bar, I hallucinated. I thought I was being chased down the wintry street (with no coat on). I waved down a passing deputy to save me. He promptly ticketed me and took me home.
In 2002, I moved to my current place of residence. In 2003/2004 I developed a painful chronic skin condition. My doctor didn't know what it was. He burned the sores off my body. In 2004, I began to drink heavily. Eventually, I was drinking at home, alone. I tried to end my life, again, December 2005. I had 3 painful sores on my body. I spent 4 days in the hospital and 3 in the psych unit. They deemed me "fine" and sent me home. I continued to drink. Told myself, "If I only drink at the bar, I'll be o.k." In June 2006, I started working for the church. I quit drinking all together. I quit for 3 years. It was a good 3 years. I also quit taking my anti-depressants. Best 3 years of my life.
At age 34 (August 2009), I applied to the local police departments. I scored well. I did not get hired. Whodathunkit? I went out, drinking, for the first time in 3 years at the end of that month. I frequented the local bars often. I told myself & others, "I'm in trouble if I start drinking at home...Then I'll know it's gotten bad." The first time I bought a 6-pack after work, a grumpy-old-man-from-church was in line behind me. I drank 3 beers that night. I drank 3 more the next. On a typical night, I'd drink 9. Nine beers was good. Anything over 9 was bad and it was more often than not that I'd drink 14. On a day off, I'd drink a whole 18-pack. I had so much shame regarding my drinking that I would purchase my beer from 3 different stores so the clerks wouldn't see me 2 nights in a row and know I was an alcoholic. I would carry the beer or the Mike's Hard Lemonade from my garage to my apartment IN A BOX to hide what I was carrying. Every morning, I'd haul all the empties to the dumpster, in the dark and put the box back into the trunk of my car because I knew I'd need it later that day.
On July 25, 2011 my cousin Emily called me at home. I was lit. We talked. I sobbed. She told me to get help. My friends Eric & Theresa came over and sat with me; were ready to take me to the psych unit. I didn't go. My dad called me the next morning and put me in touch with a therapist. I met with her for 2 weeks. I still drank.
On Sunday, August 7, 2011, I called my boss (pastor) to tell him I wouldn't make it to church that day-- too anxious. Of course I was anxious! Show me an alcoholic who isn't. I waited until 8AM, the legal time to buy booze and started drinking. I don't know what happened after that but my mom and dad showed up at my apartment Monday morning. Rehab was in the picture. I was, obviously, ready to go.
It took 3 days and a lot of phone calls (and my 3rd alcohol evaluation) but I finally entered Prairie Ridge on Thursday, August 11, 2011. I 'graduated' September 8, 2011.
Today, I am 5 months (150 days) sober. "You've come a long way, baby......" and you've still got a long way to go.
I've said at many AA meetings how I never really put 2 & 2 together. For example, I didn't think alcohol had anything to do with any other problem in my life. But when I did my life map in treatment, it struck me hard. I wish I could just post the pictures I drew, but I can't, so you get it in word. My stick-figure-pictures sucked anyway.
I had my first drink at age 13 or 14 (I can't remember exactly, so bear with me). It was Peppermint Schnapps and I drank to oblivion. I lost my virginity at age 14, while I was passed out drunk. Good boyfriend, right? My personal space was violated at age 15, while I was passed out drunk. I broke into the local school with my then-boyfriend, his brother and his friend, at age 15, while I was drunk. My then-boyfriend and I were caught, arrested, ticketed. I was suspended from school and kicked off of all extra-curricular activities for a year. I had my first alcohol evaluation. My personal space was again violated, that same year, by the assistant basketball coach, not while I was drunk. Asshole. I left home, by my own choice, at age 15 to move to a different town and live with a different family. It was a decision my parents and I made together. It was a good decision. (Enough shit happened at age 15 to last a lifetime.)
I graduated from high school and went off to college. I drank occassionally. At age 19, I got pregnant. I had an abortion. I tried to end my life. I was diagnosed with "Major Depressive Disorder". No shit, sherlock. I moved back home.
Life got better. I got medicated. At age 22, I graduated with my Bachelor of Science in Criminal Justice. At age 24, I graduated with my Master's in Public Administration.
At age 25, I moved to CB. I lived alone. I worked full-time. I fought mental illness. I was arrested while on vacation in Colorado for a DUI in May, 2000. I had my second alcohol evaluation. Later that year, while on anti-depressants and drinking at the hometown bar, I hallucinated. I thought I was being chased down the wintry street (with no coat on). I waved down a passing deputy to save me. He promptly ticketed me and took me home.
In 2002, I moved to my current place of residence. In 2003/2004 I developed a painful chronic skin condition. My doctor didn't know what it was. He burned the sores off my body. In 2004, I began to drink heavily. Eventually, I was drinking at home, alone. I tried to end my life, again, December 2005. I had 3 painful sores on my body. I spent 4 days in the hospital and 3 in the psych unit. They deemed me "fine" and sent me home. I continued to drink. Told myself, "If I only drink at the bar, I'll be o.k." In June 2006, I started working for the church. I quit drinking all together. I quit for 3 years. It was a good 3 years. I also quit taking my anti-depressants. Best 3 years of my life.
At age 34 (August 2009), I applied to the local police departments. I scored well. I did not get hired. Whodathunkit? I went out, drinking, for the first time in 3 years at the end of that month. I frequented the local bars often. I told myself & others, "I'm in trouble if I start drinking at home...Then I'll know it's gotten bad." The first time I bought a 6-pack after work, a grumpy-old-man-from-church was in line behind me. I drank 3 beers that night. I drank 3 more the next. On a typical night, I'd drink 9. Nine beers was good. Anything over 9 was bad and it was more often than not that I'd drink 14. On a day off, I'd drink a whole 18-pack. I had so much shame regarding my drinking that I would purchase my beer from 3 different stores so the clerks wouldn't see me 2 nights in a row and know I was an alcoholic. I would carry the beer or the Mike's Hard Lemonade from my garage to my apartment IN A BOX to hide what I was carrying. Every morning, I'd haul all the empties to the dumpster, in the dark and put the box back into the trunk of my car because I knew I'd need it later that day.
On July 25, 2011 my cousin Emily called me at home. I was lit. We talked. I sobbed. She told me to get help. My friends Eric & Theresa came over and sat with me; were ready to take me to the psych unit. I didn't go. My dad called me the next morning and put me in touch with a therapist. I met with her for 2 weeks. I still drank.
On Sunday, August 7, 2011, I called my boss (pastor) to tell him I wouldn't make it to church that day-- too anxious. Of course I was anxious! Show me an alcoholic who isn't. I waited until 8AM, the legal time to buy booze and started drinking. I don't know what happened after that but my mom and dad showed up at my apartment Monday morning. Rehab was in the picture. I was, obviously, ready to go.
It took 3 days and a lot of phone calls (and my 3rd alcohol evaluation) but I finally entered Prairie Ridge on Thursday, August 11, 2011. I 'graduated' September 8, 2011.
Today, I am 5 months (150 days) sober. "You've come a long way, baby......" and you've still got a long way to go.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
It's enough to drive a person to drink!
I take that phrase much more seriously now. Before, it was a joke. Now, it's business.
I was having my afternoon cigarette in my car today and was struck, yet again, by intense stomach pain and I thought, "It's enough to drive a person to drink!" Then I reconsidered. My stomach pain isn't going to drive me to drink any more than putting my cat to sleep would drive me to drink; or my irritation with work would drive me to drink; or my boredom would drive me to drink; or the time of day would drive me to drink. There isn't anything "more" that would drive me to drink, except myself. I'd drive myself....straight to Kum & Go.
That isn't a thought I have too often these days though it always seems to be lingering in the dark recesses of my mind (of which there are plenty....dark recesses, that is) and jumps out at me at odd moments. My most recent "bout of desire" was Friday evening. I left work early, took a nap, then sat around for 2 hours until I met up with a friend for dinner. Before treatment, I would have gone to the restaurant those 2 hours and sat at the bar until my friend arrived and then I may not have even eaten the dinner we were supposed to have. I would have just kept on drinking. I found myself wishing my friend & I were meeting earlier so I wouldn't have so much "time on my hands".
Here's the irony of it all. I've got nothing BUT time on my hands! All day long! All night long! The difference is, I was going somewhere. I was leaving the safety of my apartment. I was putting on people clothes. I was fixing my makeup. If I was doing all that, surely I was going out to drink, right?
It's amazing how our minds & bodies form habits and cling to them.
I was having my afternoon cigarette in my car today and was struck, yet again, by intense stomach pain and I thought, "It's enough to drive a person to drink!" Then I reconsidered. My stomach pain isn't going to drive me to drink any more than putting my cat to sleep would drive me to drink; or my irritation with work would drive me to drink; or my boredom would drive me to drink; or the time of day would drive me to drink. There isn't anything "more" that would drive me to drink, except myself. I'd drive myself....straight to Kum & Go.
That isn't a thought I have too often these days though it always seems to be lingering in the dark recesses of my mind (of which there are plenty....dark recesses, that is) and jumps out at me at odd moments. My most recent "bout of desire" was Friday evening. I left work early, took a nap, then sat around for 2 hours until I met up with a friend for dinner. Before treatment, I would have gone to the restaurant those 2 hours and sat at the bar until my friend arrived and then I may not have even eaten the dinner we were supposed to have. I would have just kept on drinking. I found myself wishing my friend & I were meeting earlier so I wouldn't have so much "time on my hands".
Here's the irony of it all. I've got nothing BUT time on my hands! All day long! All night long! The difference is, I was going somewhere. I was leaving the safety of my apartment. I was putting on people clothes. I was fixing my makeup. If I was doing all that, surely I was going out to drink, right?
It's amazing how our minds & bodies form habits and cling to them.
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