Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

So.

To continue the ongoing, but hopefully over, drama of intimate relationships in AA....

I blocked AA guy's texts and phone calls after I made my apology to him and he flipped me off. I figured he wouldn't stop texting me. I was right because even though my phone doesn't show any text messages or phone calls (it will allow voicemails), my notification software still displays his contact image when he sends a text. I've since changed his contact image to

Just to be clear, I would never cause physical harm to anyone at any time.

But it is funny.

After his contact image showed up again after the Steelers v. Patriots game (he's a Pats fan, I'm Steelers, so I can only imagine what his message was....), I sent him a message letting him know I had blocked him and that I wasn't receiving any of his messages and that not engaging with each other is for the best and I wish him well. 

That worked because there's been no attempt at contact since.  Tho, it has only been one day.  Give him time to figure out another way to get at me.

Anywhoo, I chaired the meeting in my little hamlet yesterday morning as usual and was nervous as hell.  Because 1. I had no idea if this guy would have the balls to show up - I wouldn't have put it past him, and 2. I had decided to express my apologies to the group if I had caused any of them harm personally or if I had caused harm to the group (as he stated to me I did). 

He didn't show up, thank goodness.

I had written out what I wanted to say because if I had just spoken on the fly, I never would've gotten it all out.  I cried. Of course I cried. I felt like a fucking idiot for getting myself into this position. I was mortified. I was embarrassed. I was incredibly remorseful.

I basically apologized. I didn't use any names. I didn't go into any detail. I simply said I was sorry but that words were cheap and I hoped they would allow me the opportunity to show my true intent in walking through any door into an AA meeting - to stay sober, to be in fellowship with other alcoholics and to lend a helping hand when I can. 

I said that I knew my intentions had been questioned and even my sobriety and the length of my sobriety had been questioned.  While I would not discuss this individual because I believe in keeping people's confidences, I would be happy to share my personal story with anyone who wanted to hear it.

I'm not sure I've ever been so sorry....sober.  I don't know. I can't remember.  But I sure as hell am sorry for this.

Everybody that was there was supportive and helpful when it was their time to share and all said they would be back.  We'll see, I guess. 

I had said in order to rectify the situation, it might be best for me to step away from some meetings.  I know that I can compartmentalize things pretty easily, meaning, if he & I were both at a meeting (like last Saturday), I could pretty easily treat him like any other person in AA.  However, if he were to make any remarks or comments directed at me, I'm not sure I would have the ability to sit there and shut up.  You know me. *eye roll*  And I don't think he's able to compartmentalize like I can. So, it might be best for me to step away for a bit and let shit cool down.

I'm not in danger of drinking.  I don't think I am, anyway. I don't feel like I am. I have other meetings I can go to.  He's new-ish to the program. He needs those meetings more than I do.  He doesn't have a way to get to any other meetings. They're very important to him.  They're important to me, too, but less so.  So that seems like a way I can make a proper amends to him....by removing myself from some meetings so he's able to attend comfortably.  Not that he'll see it that way, but whatever.

I hated making that apology during a meeting, but what better time to do it than during an AA meeting, right? We're supposed to talk about what's weighing on our hearts in order to help us stay sober. We're supposed to share how we stay sober in spite of challenges. I felt a great sense of relief afterward. That makes me feel like it was a selfish thing to do.  I think most apologies are. They're difficult to make but I do them to release the anguish I feel for the mistakes I make. Carrying that guilt with me will surely send me to a drink. I don't really feel any guilt, tho. Or shame. I didn't intentionally cause harm. I didn't intentionally seek anyone out for sex (I have, don't get me wrong...just never at an AA meeting). What it comes down to is my intent. I didn't intentionally mean to do anyone wrong. I did, tho, and that's what I take responsibility for.

I've kept to myself today, tho I did go for an early morning walk just to get outside and get some exercise. I didn't feel like spending time in my basement was going to cut it this morning. I needed to breathe fresh air and enjoy the sparkle of frost on the trees and watch the sun rise. I can see how I could easily get down in the dumps if I don't keep at the things that I know work for me.  Not isolating. Staying busy. Being productive. Looking for work. Reaching out to friends. Actually spending time with them. Keeping a positive attitude. Exercise. Sleep. Eating healthy.

Yes, Christmas is going to be tough.  The folks are down south. We've already had our family Xmas. I don't have any plans except to watch holiday movies. It's just another day, right? That's how I have to look at it. It's just another day. What would I do any other Monday? Get my ass out of bed. Exercise. Get shit done. Take a nap. Get more shit done. Watch t.v. Read. Cuddle with Garfield. Enjoy the Xmas lights and decorations. Light some candles. Peace & Quiet. Bliss.

I'll have a meeting on Xmas Eve so there's that. And if shit gets really bad, the Big O has an Alcathon (a meeting every hour from 6PM Xmas Eve to 6PM Xmas Day).  If I get into a bad spot, I have plenty of people to reach out to who will help. 

I do want to give a shout out to "Amy's Friend" who texted me Saturday evening after reading my post. I appreciate anyone who can call me out on my shit...lovingly. Call me out on my shit any other way and I will fucking end you. But do it from a place of love and I am grateful to you. He did and I am.

"It is possible to be so ignorant that you do not know how ignorant you are."

If you don't know you're doing something, did you actually do it?

First off, I spoke to the AA guy Thursday. We went to a public place and talked and I left it at that. He was hopeful. I was less than. I picked him up for the meeting Thursday evening and 2 minutes before we got there, he told me he had spoken to another member about us (my older gentleman shopping friend) and boy, oh boy. Did that piss me off.

I told him that was a dick move. We had agreed not to involve AA in our "relationship". He chose that person on purpose because he knew we were friends. I didn't speak at that meeting and people could tell I was "off" and I ended up leaving that guy there. He could find his own way home.

He texted and apologized. I didn't respond. He texted last night that he was going through some shit and I told him to contact an AA man.

He was at the meeting this morning, which I felt really good during. I mean....really good. But afterward, he texted me again and said he needed to talk. I again told him to contact an AA man. He said it wasn't about AA.

Well, sort of.

I stopped at his place before coming home and he was a self-righteous asshole, telling me I "claim" to have 6 years sobriety, that I'm a massive manipulator, that I'm vindictive.  I think he just didn't like seeing me happy, to be honest. And fuck him for questioning my fucking 6 + years of sobriety. FUCK. HIM. I've worked my ass off for those 6 years. Just because I'm not like everyone else doesn't make me less sober, motherfucker.  AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Fuck. You. Very. Much.

I'll work my program, you work yours. Keep your own side of the street clean. Asshole.

But then he said I 13th Stepped him and I know the look on my face was, "WTF?"

I had never heard of the 13th Step or "13th Stepping someone" until today and I had to come home and google that shit.

And lo & behold, I did. I 13th Stepped that guy. I could make all sorts of excuses. I didn't even know there was such a thing as a 13th Step! He was the one who gave me his number, not the other way around. I was very clear about not wanting to date a newbie. He was persistent. Yada, yada, yada.

It's all bullshit. Because I have over 6 years in sobriety. I'm the one who should have known better. I'm the one who had the "power" because of those years and because of his newness. I put him in a very vulnerable state and did I take advantage of that? I suppose I did. I wasn't aware that's what I was doing. I thought I was simply feeding a need and he was a more-than-willing participant. 

But that's like saying a drunk 14 year old girl "consents" to having sex with an older boy.  No, no she doesn't. She's incapable of giving consent because 1. She's 14! and 2. She's drunk. HE has all of the power. She has none.

I've made my apology to him. He did not accept it. I called to make the amend and left it at that. He called me back and said he doesn't accept my apology, he doesn't want anything to do with me until I....well, he's basically trying to work my program, which doesn't ever work, so I'm gonna leave it at that. He said he's still available for a booty call. 

Um, no. Never again. Not on your life.

So I texted him that I simply wanted to make my apology. I was unaware, but that's no excuse. I should've known better. I think he's right, that we should not engage with each other anymore and that I wish him all the best.

He sent me back the

Understandable. 

However, I do believe he's attempting to manipulate me. He's a massive manipulator, which is what he claims I am as well. Perhaps I am and that's why I see through his shit so easily.  

I think what's best for me (& him & the group) is to step away from the AA meetings in that particular town. Man, I'm going to fucking miss those people, but to save my reputation and to show that I am not a 13th Stepper Predator (jesus fuck), I think that's for the best. I'll continue to chair my own meeting Sunday mornings and those who choose to come will be welcome, of course. I hope to see those from the meetings I've been attending there. 

Goddamn. How did I get into this mess? My vag, that's fucking how. Stupid vag.  She's not doing the thinking for me anymore. 

"Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them." - Margaret Atwood

Well, folks, this is going to be one brutally honest post that will leave me feeling embarrassed, ashamed, loathing myself, scared....but mostly relieved as fuck to get it off my chest and out there. It's as if once I write about some distressing incident on this blog, I can move on. Or at least try to move on. And, it doesn't hurt that someone out there in the vast world knows what's going on in my life. I tend not to personally bother anyone with my stupidity because, well, it's stupid. And I would have to come face-to-face with my embarrassment through someone else's eyes and who wants to do that? No, I'm sure it's much healthier to experience this embarrassment in the comfort of my home away from prying eyes. Much healthier. 

So, to preface....

I've blogged about a guy I'd been having trouble communicating with, someone I was trying to take the time to attempt to feel a deeper connection to because it just wasn't there.  I felt like I was trying to force a square peg into a round hole. And why? For fuck's sake, why? That might be for another post, folks, but I'm sure it comes down to...I just want to feel loved and to love. It's as simple and as complicated as that. 

Anywhoo, (and here comes only a smidgen of the embarrassing part), he's the guy from AA who is fresh in sobriety but who I had reached out my hand to help. And, with all sincerity, that's all it was to me. I had absolutely no sexual or romantic intention. None whatsoever. In fact, I found him way too somber and "off" during meetings. But he's going through a criminal case and he's in limbo and he might go to prison for a very long time (70 years, I'd heard him say) and so I felt for him. What would I do in that position? Geez, I don't even want to imagine and thank my higher power, I never got caught or killed anyone or any other heinous crime while drunk.  And he was drunk (according to him) when this incident happened.  

I didn't know what the incident was.  That was for him to tell me in his own time or not at all because honestly, I'm not there to judge. I'm a member of AA. We lend a helping hand to any alcoholic in need. 

I'm also a giant fucking idiot.

So he would text me his depressing thoughts and I would push him towards his sponsor or therapist.  And then he would have these delightfully funny moments where he was relatively normal and I would think to myself, "Yeah, I would do him." Because my brain at age 42 is wired directly to my vagina. Another smidgen of the embarrassing truth. 

I like sex. I like all of it. Thoroughly. This shouldn't surprise any of you. I hit 40, got off Depo, and my libido came raging back after being dormant for 20 years. I didn't even date for 8 years in my 30's! EIGHT FUCKING YEARS. So maybe my vag is making up for lost time, I don't know. But I cannot wait for the day(s) menopause hits and my vag dries up like the fucking Sahara desert and my libido goes *poof*.  Because being distracted by lustful thoughts can be entertaining and fun but damn. It mostly sucks. 

There's a Seinfeld episode for that. There's a Seinfeld episode for every aspect of my life. This one is called "The Abstinence". George has to refrain from sex with his girlfriend because she has mono and because George's brain is no longer distracted by sex, he becomes really, really smart. Elaine stops having sex with her boyfriend to help him get as smart as George and pass his medical exam. The flip side is that poor Elaine becomes really, really stupid. Jerry explains it best:

Jerry: To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting through. You're stupid.

So, yes, in a moment of lust and normalcy on his part, I expressed honestly what I was feeling. "I would like to have sex with you, but that's all it'll be. Can you handle that? I don't want to date you. I don't want a relationship outside of AA and the bed. Can. You. Handle. That?"  He said he could. He said he would happily fill the position of "fuckboy" in my life for as long as I wanted him to and for awhile there, it worked. 

Until he caught feels. 

Of course he did. How could he not? I'm fucking amazing. 

But....wait....

I didn't. I didn't catch feelings. Sure, there were rare moments of fun, of him acting normal, of superb sex, but 90% of the time, I found him incredibly, enormously annoying and irritating. So much so, I just wouldn't talk. I hate not talking. 

I said to my therapist, "I don't even know if I like him or not. I'm still deciding." 

He finally told me his crime a week and a half ago. I find it repulsive and disgusting and absolutely horrid. It fills me with shame and disgust. Because what kind of a fucktard am I that I would get involved with someone like this? I won't disclose his crime and won't disclose his name or any details about any of it, but.... damn. 

And then, I thought, I understand black out drunk (he told me he was blacked out). I am a black out drunk. I would drink to oblivion and not remember a damn thing the next morning. In my 20's I had a black out and woke up in bed, naked, next to a guy whose name I did not know. I still don't know it. Yes, that's horrible, but that's what my alcoholism was like. Detrimental to my health. It does not define me. It does not make me a horrible human being. It makes me very, very sick and thankfully, I got the help I needed through the grace of my parents and friends and today I can look back on that shit and think, "Thank my higher power I'm still alive today". Because I could've (should've) died many many times for all the poor decisions and bad situations I made and put myself in. 

Just as he did. And in AA, what do we do? Reach out the helping hand to any alcoholic in need. *eye roll*

And then he started saying he loved me and, again, in a moment of lust, I responded the same. 

I don't recall a time in my life when I retracted an "I love you" but thankfully, he opened the door for me to do so and I took full advantage. I told him that no, I didn't love him. And he didn't believe me, but whatever. I can't change what someone thinks. All I can do is be me and me is not in love.  

I kept trying. I kept thinking, Why not him? I couldn't for the life of me figure out what it was about our fully-clothed interactions that irritated me so damn much. I hung out with my dude neighbor friend the other night just to make sure I was still capable of having a normal conversation with a man and not get irritated. I didn't. We had fun. We always have good conversations. Whew. Glad I didn't break that. 

So, after taking 5 days away from the AA man, texting daily but not actually speaking or seeing each other, my thought was to attempt to take my selfishness out of the equation and be in service to him.  No, not to serve and obey him, but to act selfless, put aside my irritated personality and do kind things for him. 

It didn't help. I still found him enormously irritating. 

So, yesterday, after the meeting, I told him I couldn't keep doing "this". I told him the square peg into a round hole thing. It wasn't working. It wasn't going to work. He is who he is and I am who I am and we're not meant to be (which is what I'd said from the beginning). 

He said he didn't believe that. He didn't believe me. He called me a miserable, toxic person. He said I was a pathological liar. When I asked him what I'd lied about he said "Your age."  

That still makes me laugh. I have never lied about my age. I'm damn proud of being 42. 

He also said I lied about having never slept with anyone in AA. 

That isn't what I'd said. I'd said I'd never slept with anyone from a meeting before. Of course I've slept with men in AA. AA's a huge program throughout the world. There are men everywhere in AA. The likelihood of me sleeping with one of them isn't rare. I'd met a guy online, we hit it off, we found out we're both in the program but we didn't attend any of the same meetings. I've taken him to one of mine. He's taken me to one of his. We're not dating. We both know we're not right for each other in that way, but we enjoy sharing our time together when we can and if we can hit an AA meeting in the process, all the better. 

So, no, I didn't lie. I don't think I have any secrets. I'm a pretty open book. Yes, my life is private. I don't go around airing my dirty laundry. I'm protective of myself because people are assholes. But if someone outright asks me something, I have a hard time not answering them. If I'm uncomfortable doing so, I just say so... "I'm not comfortable talking about that." Simple. 

So, I took him home after telling him it was over because, of course, he can't drive. I just let him rant on and on for 20 minutes because he obviously needed to. I was silent. When he got out of the car, I said I was sorry, he kissed me, said a few more not-so-kind words and that was that. 

Until 5 minutes later, when he started blowing up my phone and continues to this morning. No kidding. I'm not going to count every single message he has sent me from 10:40am Sunday to this morning because I don't have the time, but I have screenshot every single one and am keeping them for the police, when they find my mutilated body. Maybe it'll help them solve my murder. 

So here comes the truly embarrassing part but there isn't a way to express or show you what I mean without actually showing you. 

This is where it gets bad. 

And then back to loving. 

And then just...WTF?

Again WTF WTF WTF. Chris?!? Huh?

Let me be clear here: I love sex. I am not addicted to it. There is nothing wrong with a woman enjoying sex. But perhaps I do go about it the wrong way, lol. At least I can laugh about this shit. 

Both hateful and loving at the same time. Pick a goddamn emotion and stick with it! And then minor panic set in because did he just threaten to air my dirty laundry during an AA Meeting? 

This is where he really freaked me out and I had another minor panic attack and then thought, fuck that shit. I talked to the only person I could talk to and not feel mortified and he agreed that my "no response" was the correct response. 

My folks have given up on me finding "the one". They'd be happy if I just settled, lmao. But no, not with this guy.

Um, why am I doing this? Because THIS. 

Hate, love, manipulation and then....as if all those previous posts didn't just happen the night before. 

Oh, an apology! No. Not really. It's a "sorry not sorry". Ugh.

I have not responded to a single text. Not one. And yet, it continues. 

There's a new term for this kind of behavior: BYE FELIPE

It's when a man loses his shit after a woman politely rejects him. There's an Instagram account specifically for posting the barrage of text messages women receive after rejecting a man. It's all a bit ridiculous if you ask me....and more than a little scary. 

I'm honestly waiting for him to threaten my life and then shit gets real. Maybe he has and I just don't read it that way. I don't think so. I think he's a terribly troubled man and if he needs to spew shit at me, so be it. Maybe I deserve it. Maybe I don't. I've come to terms with it over the last 24 hours and hope he finds peace somehow, someway. 

But don't for a second think that if he eludes to threatening me physically, I won't call the police. 'Cause I sure as shit will. I don't deserve to die at the hands of a psychopath. I deserve to die slipping on my kitchen rug while tossing a handful of peanut butter M&M's into my mouth as I fall onto my fat cat. 

I, of course, googled the shit out of why men get so angry when rejected (because this is by no means the first time and probably won't be the last...and other times I've gotten a response like this, it's usually been from a guy on a dating website who I'd never even met!!!) and found these articles. They're all good. 

It's the pain of male entitlement and female autonomy disregarded simultaneously.  https://www.stuffmomnevertoldyou.com/blogs/why-men-cant-handle-romantic-rejection.htm

What’s inappropriate is hounding the other person, and dominating her personal space (virtual or IRL) to the point where she is forced to acknowledge you.   https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/dear-men-women-dont-owe-you-anything_us_55d24e00e4b07addcb43c3d4

You don’t always have to catch the ball when somebody throws it at you.    The more that you ignore your ex’s “baits”, the less he will try to start conflicts with you.   Some guys would point fingers when the relationship fails, and it is usually directed to you. If you are still suffering the dilemma of “Why do guys get mad when you reject them?” don’t forget to believe in yourself and your ex’s perception of you should not define you.   https://www.enkirelations.com/why-do-guys-get-mad-when-you-reject-them.html

https://www.bolde.com/ever-said-no-guy-cant-handle-rejection/

...comes from a place of feeling powerless that is said to imply the person with more power is being immature for exercising it. It implies that saying no, saying “this is not okay with me,” or setting up a boundary is childish. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Actually, asserting what you want or what you are comfortable with is actually very mature.   http://www.thefrisky.com/2013-06-18/girl-talk-it-says-a-lot-about-a-man-if-he-cant-handle-rejection/

So, yeah, that's it. That's my shameful, embarrassing, disgusting, story for the day. 

I'd like to say I'm done with men. I'm done dating. I'm never having sex again. 

I can't say any of those things. But I can say this: I am done with this man. I am never having consensual sex with him ever again. 

I may run into him at an AA meeting. He may try to embarrass me and shame me. He may tell lies or exaggerate the truth about me. He may try. But I know in my heart of hearts what is good and true. I know I am not perfect. I made a mistake. A huge, huge mistake. I have since rectified it and learned my lesson. I apologize to the AA gods. I truly do. It won't happen again. I am humbled. 

I can't control him or what he'll do. All I can control is my reaction and my reaction is to simply not engage, to just be me, to not allow someone to make me feel less than or unworthy or as if I don't belong in AA... And if those in AA choose to believe him, that's on them. If they don't know this Dave-ism, perhaps I should share it at the next meeting...

"What Jack says about Jane says more about Jack than it does about Jane."

Yep. 

I am not going to defend myself. I will own my mistake and I will make amends for it, but I will not debate my merits. Nor will I discuss him, his behavior, actions, words, his crime, his personal life, anything he has shared with me to anyone in AA. That isn't who I want to be. I don't like gossip, I don't like people talking about me, so I won't partake in it.  

I don't know how to end this post...probably because it's not done. It isn't finished. There will be more, you can be sure of that. But as of today, I'm in a good place. I'm alive and well. I have good friends and family. I have Garfield. I have a beautiful home. I am loved and I am loving. 

"I hate to break it to you....but I think we're soulmates."

From "24 Hours"

I've said this at many meetings. At one just a few months ago, I said if I drank now it would be a conscious decision because I've learned and I have the knowledge about alcoholism and I've picked up a tool here and there that work to help keep me sober. So if I were to drink, it would be because I made a choice to drink.

The first drink. 

Any drink after that, the conscious decision becomes less and less, the choice is taken out of my hands. One drink would lead to a case of beer or 5 bottles of wine or a fifth of whiskey or whatever the fuck because that's what alcoholism is. For me, it's the inability to stop.

So, yeah, "premeditated" is the appropriate word. I was happy to read this this morning.

I, in my 6+ years sober, have not had a slip. Once I went to rehab, attended AA meetings and followed the steps (for the most part), no slips have happened.....YET.  Yet is the operative word here.

As an alcoholic, I can never lose focus when it comes to alcohol. I have to be ever vigilant. I can't let my guard slip because that leads to other, much more damaging, slippage. I know that about myself. I recognize that if I'm not doing all of the things that I know help to keep me sober, a slip could happen all too easily.

There are no guarantees. All I can say for certain is that I woke up sober today and I am sober right now at 11:20 AM on Thursday, November 30, 2017.  That's all I can guarantee. I can't guarantee I won't drink tonight. I can't guarantee I won't drink tomorrow or next weekend or next month.  So I focus on this 24 hours.  All I have to do is not drink today. I don't have to think about tomorrow AT ALL. And what a relief that is.

What works for me doesn't always work for another person and what works for someone else may not work for me. That's what is so awesome about AA and the people involved. Make it your own. There are no rules. The only requirement is the desire to stop drinking.  That's it. It's that fucking simple.

So I do the things that work for me - that have worked for me over these several 24 hours - and I keep learning and adding a tool here and there and work it every damn day. 

I'm damn proud to be sober today. 


I'm working through some shit that isn't necessarily my shit to work through but does involve me. It's got me thinking way too much and struggling way too hard to understand and feeling totally and completely discombobulated and like what I know is, I don't know shit.  And not only that, the inability to truly know a person has been hammered home all too well. Cognitive dissonance? Yes. A thousand times yes.

The person I know doesn't mesh with the incident pertaining to that person. Which makes me question, who is this person? Do I even know? Has everything I've experienced with this person been a big fat fucking lie? Or can I understand how an incident could occur, as a black-out drunk alcoholic?

Of course. I was a black-out alcoholic. Only alcoholics black-out. Did you know that? Fact.

I blacked out a lot. I would do things, talk to people, Facebook people, and not remember a goddamn thing about it the next day. I tried to take notes, drunk, while I was talking to people as a reminder to myself the next day. The notes looked like a baby had tried to draw a bunch of squiggly lines on a piece of paper. It was ridiculous... and I just rolled my eyes so hard at that memory of myself, I think I just saw my tiny brain. Jesus. So, yes, I understand being black-out drunk. But because I'm questioning everything, I have to question whether or not this person was black-out drunk or not. I could drink a whole helluva lot and still be in control of my behavior (for the most part - sure, I couldn't walk, but I wasn't going to get a knife and stab someone).

It's just a lot to think about and work through and you know me...I do my best thinking on a subconscious level. The answer and peace will come to me when I least expect it and it doesn't have to happen today or tomorrow or a week from now. It can stew in my subconscious as long as it needs to until my mind is ready to make that decision for me. And everybody can just fucking wait.


I'm looking forward to a different sort of event this weekend.  We're holding a Gratitude Dinner. Turkey, potatoes....everybody brings a side...there's a raffle so I'm making a sign to give away. We'll have a speaker meeting so I'll get to hear someone who has 18 months sober speak and I'm looking forward to it. I know he's nervous about it but what's great about the newbies is seeing the progress in them....and the reminder of where I was. It'll be a good night and I'm thoroughly looking forward to it.


I'm attending some other meetings around my area to get the word out about the meeting in my little hamlet. It's been good to venture out of my comfort zone and what's odd about me is, as much of an introvert as I am, I can schmooze and make myself comfortable in those rooms because we're all the same. It doesn't matter if it's a bunch of older men or a bunch of farmers or a bunch of well-off people....we're all the same and we're all there for the same reason and we all understand each other.

And with that folks, it's time for me to sign off and continue on with my day. Love you more.

"Just think...if the Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey, we'd all be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving."

Ahhhh, Thanksgiving. Best day of the year in my world. And here's why...

Jake, Ben, Lily, Bailey, Emily...me

Emily & Bailey

Bailey and Emily, fight continues.

Emily was first out, OMG!

Came down to me & Jake. That's a look of shock on my face.

Of course he won. He has freakishly long arms!!!!! I love my Aunt Bev's face! 

So, yeah, I didn't win. But you know what, I came darn close and had so much damn fun playing with everyone, it doesn't matter. Jake gets to keep the trophy for one more year and probably every year he's there to play because I think it might be time for old Amy to retire. 

NEVER!


I said at my meeting Thanksgiving night that I was grateful for that particular meeting that particular night because while I have the absolute best, most fun, fall-down-laughing time with family on Thanksgiving, coming home is always, always, always a sad affair for me. I tend to weep. I feel empty. So, so empty. But this time, not so much. Because I didn't dwell on it. I couldn't. I had very little time to clean up to go sit around a table in candlelight with a bunch of other alcoholics who may have had a really shitty day. Maybe it was their first Thanksgiving sober. Maybe they didn't get to spend it with family because of the shitty fucking shit they did when they were drunk. Maybe they struggled to stay sober because they were surrounded by a bunch of shitty drunk family members. Maybe they had the best Thanksgiving ever. Maybe they had a good time like I did and yet still felt empty. Whatever the case may have been, I was excessively grateful to be there that night with those people.

And yet, today (Saturday), I woke up early to go to my 8AM breakfast meeting....and was weepy. I said to the guys when they asked how I was, "Well, I've already cried this morning so there's that" to which one responded, "Good, so you got it out of the way!" I love this meeting because people are happy. So fucking happy. There's laughter, good-natured ribbing, and true care and concern. I didn't cry anymore today and I credit that meeting.

Mine is going okay on Sunday mornings. I need to invest more time in spreading the word to other small towns in my area. I'm told by those who attend that they really enjoy it and they're happy I'm doing it and they love Sunday mornings. I have yet to see anyone from my own little hamlet, but I didn't honestly expect that to happen. People tend to go to meetings away from their homes. That is, until they get comfortable in their sobriety.  I am very comfortable in my sobriety. I don't mean that I'm lackadaisical about my sobriety. No. Never. It's forever and always at the forefront of my brain. It always will be. I'm simply comfortable talking about it. I'm not ashamed to say I'm a recovering alcoholic. I'm not embarrassed to share my story. I'm not hiding anything anymore and what a goddamn relief that is. I hid a lot of shit for way too long and that's one of the absolute best things AA has given me. No secrets.

I hope each of you had a fantastic Thanksgiving, no matter what you did or didn't do!

"He said his last girlfriend was the craziest bitch he'd ever dated. I said, 'Challenge Accepted'".

What makes for good conversation in your world?

Is it the topic? Is it who you're talking to? Is it the atmosphere in which you are communicating? Is it you doing all of the talking? Or is a good conversation to you one in which you don't even have to speak, you just listen? Or is it an equal back and forth of opinions, thoughts, stories, etc?

I love epic conversations. I love those people that I can talk to and listen to and hang out with for hours and hours and hours and never get sick of. I love that comfortable feeling I have with them. I love that we can talk about anything and everything under the sun and while we don't often agree on anything, we respect and value and are interested in each other's opinions. I love those people who make me laugh and think and truly feel heard.

I can only think of one person in my life, at this very moment, that I share this with and he wants to sleep with me so that tends to taint our overall experience. Taint is such a bad word. I just mean it's hovering over us.... like a dark cloud.  Though the best relationship would be one in which I could have epic conversations, constant attraction and fantastic sex. *sigh* Ever elusive.

Anywhoo, I was a shit to someone yesterday because I couldn't get over the words that were coming out of his mouth, and not only his words but how he was speaking. Even his voice and tone and manner annoyed me. And once I feel annoyed, there's no going back. I can't stop that cycle once it begins.  It's horrible. I'm horrible. I hate being that way, but damn, if you annoy me to that extent, I need you away from me immediately. Because I become the most irritable, rude, teenage-like woman on planet Earth and I never consciously want to subject another person to that version of Amy. Nor do I want to be that Amy. So just get the hell away from me and let me figure out if 1. I need some "me-time", or maybe some food and a nap, 2. Maybe I'm just in a bad head space and I still like you, but everything is going to set me off, or 3. I really just don't like you as a person.

There are people in my life who yes, irritate and annoy me, but I love them and know that they aren't doing it on purpose, they can't help it, they're awesome in so many other ways, I annoy them too, it's all okay.

Then there are others that, fuck, I just wanna throat punch every time they speak. If you could just shut up, maybe I could share my space with you, but since that seems unreasonable to request, maybe just stay the hell away from me. I don't want to go to jail. I would not make a good cell mate.

So, yeah, yesterday I was annoyed and irritated and while I tried to consider that other person's feelings and I attempted to be nice about saying, "I need you to go away", some people I just have to hit over the head with a 2X4 because they're not picking up on my not-so-subtle cues to walk away. And it's always men. Always. Oh, and children.

And do you know, he had the gall to tell me he thinks I behave this way because I'm afraid of my feelings?

Well, he could be right. I'm afraid my feelings are going to end up putting me in jail. Yes.

Am I afraid that I might like you and see a future with you? No. A million times no. I knew it from day one that's not what I wanted from this man and while I was very clear about that, he got feelings. I can't help that. I'm awesome. Who wouldn't want to be with me?

*eye roll*

NOT A MONOLOGUE

The point of this blog isn't to bitch about this, but to help me figure out what makes for good conversation and why does this one person irritate and annoy me so much.  I asked my friend who I do have wonderful conversations with what makes ours so fantastic? He said it's because we come from two different points of views on many things but we don't judge or criticize each other and yet we can have a great debate. He says we should run for Congress.  He says it's because he never needs to be always right and appreciates my views and he finds me interesting.

I would agree with that wholeheartedly. This friend is someone I respect and admire and trust. I've bared my soul to him and he hasn't judged me for it, he hasn't given me advice unless I requested it, he's understanding of my behavior, he's always happy to see me. And his attitude is always a jovial one. I can't remember ever seeing him in a bad mood. We've never argued. I've never been mad at him for anything. Part of me thinks it's because I'm not overly attracted to him physically. I'm attracted to him intellectually. It's a whole different scenario. Plus, he's not often around, so there's that space and time for each of us to live our lives and have shit to talk about when we do see each other.

I also think it's because this particular person isn't judgmental as a whole. He doesn't pick at other people. He doesn't necessarily gossip, but he does share information...like a newspaper. He isn't negative. Every stressor in his life isn't someone else's fault. He's just a normal responsible human being, which is apparently difficult to find in this day and age.

This other person is in a negative headspace right now. Understandably. Totally. He's got a lot of shit going on in his life that, if it were all happening to me, I'd be in a bottle or a hospital or dead. So, yeah, he has every right to feel and behave however the fuck he wants to. And as an alcoholic, it is my responsibility to lend a hand to any other alcoholic when they request it. That does not mean that I have to subject myself to negative behavior just because he wants to spend time with me. I am not his sponsor, nor am I his therapist. But if he truly needed me, in a dire moment, I would absolutely be there for him. I would have to be a cruel son-of-a-bitch to turn my back on someone in that kind of need. And while I put off that persona, I am not cruel.

What keeps rolling around in my head, though, is maybe it isn't him. Maybe it isn't his tone of voice, the somber way he speaks, the words that come out of his mouth, his general persona that irritate me so damn much. Maybe what irritates me is this: We hate in other people what we hate in ourselves.

When I find myself truly disliking someone, I have to consider whether it's them.....or me.

So, yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I have a lot to work through in that respect. I'm taking some time to myself to really ponder all of this. It isn't like I'm sitting around constantly thinking of it, waiting for my head to explode from such intense concentration. No. It'll come to me when I'm not thinking about it, subconsciously, because that's how almost everything important in my life comes to me. God forbid I actually make a conscious decision about anything important.

My relationship status: Already ordered 37 cats.

I love that the few people who actually stay up to date on my blog text me when I haven't written in awhile.

"Are you dead? What's going on? Where are you?!?"

I haven't had much to write about lately. 

That isn't true. I have a shit ton to write about.  It's just that I can't seem to get motivated to write about anything. I've been doing other things, like painting, transcribing, going to AA meetings, online dating (good lord, that shit writes itself), getting my car taken care of, therapy....just every day, normal shit that people do all the time but for me - damn, it's a lot.

I'm tired. I'm tired a lot. I'm trying to balance the things that are essential to keep me sane and sober with the normal everyday stuff. I'm trying not to overdo anything, keep myself focused on the next right thing, and just taking care of myself.

I say "I try" a lot, don't I?  There is no try, only do.

I'm simply writing shit right now, aren't I? Yes, yes, I am.

Okay, let's get to it.

Here's me in the last month:

I've been diligently working on Thanksgiving presents for the M'town family that Mom requested I do.

I like working on one word signs. So much easier and I can get them done quicker.

I'm working on 2 more as Christmas presents for my brothers so I won't post them here because I may do another one if I have time for Ma & Pa....and maybe one for myself, though I can work on mine much, much later.

I'll be starting another one for a Christmas party & raffle I'm attending on December 2. Our family Christmas is December 8. Time is quickly slipping away from me. 


I was also without my car for a very long 2 weeks because as I was hand washing it one day, I noticed the clear coat was peeling off.  So back it went to my friend who did the original work. And my car has been idling a bit rough recently so I hauled it to my dealer (still under warranty for about 2 more days, lol...isn't that how it always works?) and have to take it back tomorrow to have more work done.


As I said in last month's post, I've been attending more AA meetings in the local town not far from my little hamlet. It has honestly been a fantastic experience. I've met so many good people and new friends and have become more and more involved. I've attended large candlelight meetings and small 3-people meetings, but as the AA book says,

Any two or three alcoholics gathered together for sobriety may call themselves an A.A. group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation.

I spent some time recently with an old (& new again) friend who showed genuine interest in AA and what I was doing and I realized in talking to him about it....I have passion for it.  I'm not passionate about many things. Hardly anything, actually. But when I talk about AA with someone who is genuinely interested, I become someone I don't recognize.

When I was in high school, I remember thinking a family member in the program was simply trading one addiction for another.  She was trading her alcohol addiction for a religious addiction (AA). Little did I know then that I would be in the same program as she and feel just as passionate about it now as she did then.  And what a fool I was for thinking something so small about a program so big.

It isn't trading one addiction for another. It's a program that works simply through sharing, listening, lending a helping hand, surrounding oneself with like-minded and similar people who truly understand the struggle, and working it every damn day. It isn't an addiction. It's a need.

Mom asked me recently (when I had to borrow their car often to get to meetings) if everything was okay. She asked why I was going to so many meetings and wanted reassurance that I hadn't done anything. 

I understand why she asked. I hadn't really gone to many meetings since moving to my little hamlet and I can't really explain why I started going to so many now.  I've said before, many of my life choices have been made on a subtle sub-conscious level. It isn't like I was sitting around my home, craving alcohol, thinking, "Oh shit, I'd better get my ass to a meeting". 

No, it wasn't like that. I think I had driven to one of my regular meetings in the city and upon returning home wondered why I wasn't attending meetings locally. I think I had started picking up the Big Book more often. I downloaded the Big Book app and Daily Reflections to my phone so I could have the information everywhere I went. I started spending more time focusing on meditation. I can't tell you exactly what prompted me to attend that first Saturday morning breakfast meeting. I can tell you, I walked in and saw a bunch of dudes sitting around the table and wittily asked, "Can I be here? Is this just a men's meeting?" to which a wonderfully enthusiastic white haired man said, "You can be here! Come on in! There's breakfast if you'd like some!" and I instantly felt comfortable.

I don't know what it is about men and especially older men. They instantly bring me comfort and peace.  And I'm much more open and honest with men than I am women. I always feel less than with women and like I'm being harshly judged. Yet, recently, I've found out some of those men who were so welcoming also had (have) some reservations about me as a woman and are judging (have judged) me and "know" why women start attending meetings (puh-leeze and fuck you very much).  I simply let people think whatever the hell they want (they're going to anyway) and just be me, because I'm pretty awesome (I'm slowly starting to realize.... baby steps) and I'm there for one reason and one reason only- to stay sober.  My intentions are pure and over time, anybody who questioned that will find out for themselves.

It's frowned upon in AA to get involved with the opposite sex, especially when sobriety is a new and tenuous life. I have well over 6 years in and I am still leery to get involved with a person who attends the same AA meetings as I do.  I also see the  allure of it, though, to be intimately involved with someone who truly "gets" you and who is working as hard as you are to be a better version of themselves.

At this point, though, I'm not looking to be in a relationship with anyone in AA. I am opening myself up to any relationship, though, be it intimate, friends, acquaintances, etc., as a whole and in general. And I feel as if I have made some very good friends recently through the program. I went to a meeting with the enthusiastic white haired gentleman in the city last Friday night. I had had a very busy day, didn't even get a nap, and should have gone directly to bed, but I felt the need to reach out to him and ask if he wanted to go. It was one of the best meetings I had been to because it was at a homeless shelter and there is no better way to stay sober than to see where life would lead me if I took that first drink....it would be so much more than one drink.  He and I went out to eat afterward and I didn't get home until late, but it was worth it. I can sleep when I'm dead, right? No, lol, that is not the case. I napped. I nap. I need sleep. Stop judging me! ;0

I've also been spending time with a newbie (or as I like to say, someone "fresh") to the program. He only has months in and life is fragile and changes daily for him, but I'm glad we've spent time together and gotten to know each other. I like to think I'm imparting some wisdom to him, though I suspect I simply have a nice ass.  Regardless, I need his help as much as he needs mine. Helping someone new to the program keeps those of us who have a few 24 hours in, in check. I think it helps us stop being complacent. It reminds us where we were. It forces us to regurgitate what we've learned.

And while I've set boundaries he's agreed to in our relationship for his sake more than mine, because I could seriously fuck him up and know I have the capacity and ability to do so and honestly do not want an intimate relationship with him, the more time we spend together and the more we talk and learn, the closer and closer we get. But I'm still an irritable bitch who needs her time and space and I don't see anything changing that anytime soon, so I am overly cautious with him. Like I said, for his sake, not mine.

AA says

Remember that we deal with alcohol—cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us.

I remember and know for a fact, that when you're fresh in your sobriety, you're focused so much on simply not drinking....and then, at a certain point, typically months, you stop focusing so much on not drinking and focus more on dealing with the issues that caused you to drink in the first place. So not drinking takes a bit of a back seat and that's when it gets dangerous. 

I drank for a lot of reasons, but my most dangerous time now is when I'm feeling especially good.  It's as if I don't think I deserve to feel good or be happy so I self-sabotage.  I catch myself, to this day, fighting those few fleeting thoughts, when I feel good about myself.  I'll be doing something, like picking food up from the store for a meeting, and I'll see the beer aisle and the thought will cross my mind and I usually smile, look away and remind myself why I'm sober today.  Because I want to be. Because I need to be. Because if I play that tape through, I know where I'll end up. I know the disappointment and hurt I will cause. I know that my life would not be the same. I know that I would lose respect. I know that if I took that one drink, it would quickly turn into a thousand more and I'd wake up one day and wonder how the hell that happened and probably just die.

So, no, I do not want to drink. And right now is all I have. There are no guarantees in life. I can't say I'm not going to drink tomorrow or even later today. All I can say is I am not drinking right now, nor have I since August 8, 2011, and I will not give up this fight so easily.   I'm stubborn like that.

Did I mention I started a new meeting in my own little hamlet?  I did, 2 weeks ago.  It's on Sunday mornings at 8AM at the public library.  I get down there around 7 to get a dozen donuts (I'm ever the optimist) and start the coffee because even though the meeting starts at 8, people tend to arrive much earlier just to chat. The meeting is going well (average of 7 so far) and I hope when the words gets out, more people will attend. I've gotten an EIN for the group so I can open an account at the local bank to deposit the offerings each week. 

It freaks me out a little bit, to be honest with you, to be responsible for something other than myself. These days, I don't want to commit to anything or be responsible for anything or have anybody rely on me for anything because.... I guess I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop - the other shoe being depression, of course - and for me to fall apart again. But a person can't live life that way, holding themselves back because something might happen.  I'm learning how to let worry go about things that haven't even happened yet and to focus on the present. And fuck that, I am responsible. I am a responsible adult. I can commit to something important to me. Others can rely on me.

It's different leading a meeting than attending a meeting. It's a whole different feeling. I am more tense. I am more aware of the time. I am more aware of who is there and who isn't. I am on edge, wanting everyone to feel comfortable. I try not to stress, and honest to god, I don't so much. I mean, I could let my anxiety completely take over and be a shaking mess by the time the meeting started, but I don't and I'm not. I'm learning to just let go, to relax, to know and believe that all will be well.  All will be as it should be.

When you're new in AA, all of the old-timers give you their phone number. You're supposed to call them when you feel like taking a drink.  That phone is so fucking heavy then, it's impossible to pick up and call someone. I did, but only after several months. I still have 2 phone numbers in my phone from my first meeting and they've passed on but I can't give them up. Man, I miss them.... But today, I have so many AA phone numbers in my phone, I don't know who to call first and today it isn't so much because I'm afraid I might drink. It's to stay in touch and to check on them and to spend time together. My phone is light as a feather these days and for that, I am ever grateful, because I know if I get sick on a Sunday morning, I can call one of those people and know that they will take care of the meeting for me.


As for on-line dating, there isn't much new on that front. It's still the same shit, just a different day. I have had a couple of dates but none that really lit my fire.  On that front, my fire may be dying, lol, and would that be such a horrible thing? No, no it would not. I can't wait for the day menopause hits and my libido disappears for the rest of my life because this shit is crazy. I don't like feeling like my vag is leading me around. I wonder if I need Sex Addicts Anonymous, though that seems like it might be counterproductive.  Like, you're in a room with other people who enjoy sex as much as you do and the only thing separating you from said sex are thin layers of clothing.  So, no, that doesn't seem like such a good idea. Though I heard someone the other night during a meeting say they're going to work the 12 Steps to quit smoking and I thought, "Why have I never thought of that before? To use the steps in other aspects of my life?" Because I do not have an original thought in my head, that's why.  It's something to consider.  And no, I don't really think I'm a sex addict. I do enjoy it and sometimes a little too much, but all things considered, that isn't so bad.

This is what online dating is like:

Seriously. This is what it's like. I'm not kidding. And then there are one or two relatively normal men who seem somewhat interesting who I never hear from again because either 1. They're married 2. They were just bored that night 3. They found someone shinier and flashier than me. Online dating is horrible....but it's free entertainment and a person can't go wrong with that, can they? And I'm a hopeless romantic who loves love and can't imagine ever giving up on that one true love magically appearing in my life through Plenty of Fish.  ;)


And for your viewing pleasure, HEEEEEEEEEERE'S CREEPER!

I'm not kidding. Something is wrong with her.