"I hate to break it to you....but I think we're soulmates."

From "24 Hours"

I've said this at many meetings. At one just a few months ago, I said if I drank now it would be a conscious decision because I've learned and I have the knowledge about alcoholism and I've picked up a tool here and there that work to help keep me sober. So if I were to drink, it would be because I made a choice to drink.

The first drink. 

Any drink after that, the conscious decision becomes less and less, the choice is taken out of my hands. One drink would lead to a case of beer or 5 bottles of wine or a fifth of whiskey or whatever the fuck because that's what alcoholism is. For me, it's the inability to stop.

So, yeah, "premeditated" is the appropriate word. I was happy to read this this morning.

I, in my 6+ years sober, have not had a slip. Once I went to rehab, attended AA meetings and followed the steps (for the most part), no slips have happened.....YET.  Yet is the operative word here.

As an alcoholic, I can never lose focus when it comes to alcohol. I have to be ever vigilant. I can't let my guard slip because that leads to other, much more damaging, slippage. I know that about myself. I recognize that if I'm not doing all of the things that I know help to keep me sober, a slip could happen all too easily.

There are no guarantees. All I can say for certain is that I woke up sober today and I am sober right now at 11:20 AM on Thursday, November 30, 2017.  That's all I can guarantee. I can't guarantee I won't drink tonight. I can't guarantee I won't drink tomorrow or next weekend or next month.  So I focus on this 24 hours.  All I have to do is not drink today. I don't have to think about tomorrow AT ALL. And what a relief that is.

What works for me doesn't always work for another person and what works for someone else may not work for me. That's what is so awesome about AA and the people involved. Make it your own. There are no rules. The only requirement is the desire to stop drinking.  That's it. It's that fucking simple.

So I do the things that work for me - that have worked for me over these several 24 hours - and I keep learning and adding a tool here and there and work it every damn day. 

I'm damn proud to be sober today. 


I'm working through some shit that isn't necessarily my shit to work through but does involve me. It's got me thinking way too much and struggling way too hard to understand and feeling totally and completely discombobulated and like what I know is, I don't know shit.  And not only that, the inability to truly know a person has been hammered home all too well. Cognitive dissonance? Yes. A thousand times yes.

The person I know doesn't mesh with the incident pertaining to that person. Which makes me question, who is this person? Do I even know? Has everything I've experienced with this person been a big fat fucking lie? Or can I understand how an incident could occur, as a black-out drunk alcoholic?

Of course. I was a black-out alcoholic. Only alcoholics black-out. Did you know that? Fact.

I blacked out a lot. I would do things, talk to people, Facebook people, and not remember a goddamn thing about it the next day. I tried to take notes, drunk, while I was talking to people as a reminder to myself the next day. The notes looked like a baby had tried to draw a bunch of squiggly lines on a piece of paper. It was ridiculous... and I just rolled my eyes so hard at that memory of myself, I think I just saw my tiny brain. Jesus. So, yes, I understand being black-out drunk. But because I'm questioning everything, I have to question whether or not this person was black-out drunk or not. I could drink a whole helluva lot and still be in control of my behavior (for the most part - sure, I couldn't walk, but I wasn't going to get a knife and stab someone).

It's just a lot to think about and work through and you know me...I do my best thinking on a subconscious level. The answer and peace will come to me when I least expect it and it doesn't have to happen today or tomorrow or a week from now. It can stew in my subconscious as long as it needs to until my mind is ready to make that decision for me. And everybody can just fucking wait.


I'm looking forward to a different sort of event this weekend.  We're holding a Gratitude Dinner. Turkey, potatoes....everybody brings a side...there's a raffle so I'm making a sign to give away. We'll have a speaker meeting so I'll get to hear someone who has 18 months sober speak and I'm looking forward to it. I know he's nervous about it but what's great about the newbies is seeing the progress in them....and the reminder of where I was. It'll be a good night and I'm thoroughly looking forward to it.


I'm attending some other meetings around my area to get the word out about the meeting in my little hamlet. It's been good to venture out of my comfort zone and what's odd about me is, as much of an introvert as I am, I can schmooze and make myself comfortable in those rooms because we're all the same. It doesn't matter if it's a bunch of older men or a bunch of farmers or a bunch of well-off people....we're all the same and we're all there for the same reason and we all understand each other.

And with that folks, it's time for me to sign off and continue on with my day. Love you more.

"Just think...if the Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey, we'd all be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving."

Ahhhh, Thanksgiving. Best day of the year in my world. And here's why...

Jake, Ben, Lily, Bailey, Emily...me

Emily & Bailey

Bailey and Emily, fight continues.

Emily was first out, OMG!

Came down to me & Jake. That's a look of shock on my face.

Of course he won. He has freakishly long arms!!!!! I love my Aunt Bev's face! 

So, yeah, I didn't win. But you know what, I came darn close and had so much damn fun playing with everyone, it doesn't matter. Jake gets to keep the trophy for one more year and probably every year he's there to play because I think it might be time for old Amy to retire. 

NEVER!


I said at my meeting Thanksgiving night that I was grateful for that particular meeting that particular night because while I have the absolute best, most fun, fall-down-laughing time with family on Thanksgiving, coming home is always, always, always a sad affair for me. I tend to weep. I feel empty. So, so empty. But this time, not so much. Because I didn't dwell on it. I couldn't. I had very little time to clean up to go sit around a table in candlelight with a bunch of other alcoholics who may have had a really shitty day. Maybe it was their first Thanksgiving sober. Maybe they didn't get to spend it with family because of the shitty fucking shit they did when they were drunk. Maybe they struggled to stay sober because they were surrounded by a bunch of shitty drunk family members. Maybe they had the best Thanksgiving ever. Maybe they had a good time like I did and yet still felt empty. Whatever the case may have been, I was excessively grateful to be there that night with those people.

And yet, today (Saturday), I woke up early to go to my 8AM breakfast meeting....and was weepy. I said to the guys when they asked how I was, "Well, I've already cried this morning so there's that" to which one responded, "Good, so you got it out of the way!" I love this meeting because people are happy. So fucking happy. There's laughter, good-natured ribbing, and true care and concern. I didn't cry anymore today and I credit that meeting.

Mine is going okay on Sunday mornings. I need to invest more time in spreading the word to other small towns in my area. I'm told by those who attend that they really enjoy it and they're happy I'm doing it and they love Sunday mornings. I have yet to see anyone from my own little hamlet, but I didn't honestly expect that to happen. People tend to go to meetings away from their homes. That is, until they get comfortable in their sobriety.  I am very comfortable in my sobriety. I don't mean that I'm lackadaisical about my sobriety. No. Never. It's forever and always at the forefront of my brain. It always will be. I'm simply comfortable talking about it. I'm not ashamed to say I'm a recovering alcoholic. I'm not embarrassed to share my story. I'm not hiding anything anymore and what a goddamn relief that is. I hid a lot of shit for way too long and that's one of the absolute best things AA has given me. No secrets.

I hope each of you had a fantastic Thanksgiving, no matter what you did or didn't do!

"He said his last girlfriend was the craziest bitch he'd ever dated. I said, 'Challenge Accepted'".

What makes for good conversation in your world?

Is it the topic? Is it who you're talking to? Is it the atmosphere in which you are communicating? Is it you doing all of the talking? Or is a good conversation to you one in which you don't even have to speak, you just listen? Or is it an equal back and forth of opinions, thoughts, stories, etc?

I love epic conversations. I love those people that I can talk to and listen to and hang out with for hours and hours and hours and never get sick of. I love that comfortable feeling I have with them. I love that we can talk about anything and everything under the sun and while we don't often agree on anything, we respect and value and are interested in each other's opinions. I love those people who make me laugh and think and truly feel heard.

I can only think of one person in my life, at this very moment, that I share this with and he wants to sleep with me so that tends to taint our overall experience. Taint is such a bad word. I just mean it's hovering over us.... like a dark cloud.  Though the best relationship would be one in which I could have epic conversations, constant attraction and fantastic sex. *sigh* Ever elusive.

Anywhoo, I was a shit to someone yesterday because I couldn't get over the words that were coming out of his mouth, and not only his words but how he was speaking. Even his voice and tone and manner annoyed me. And once I feel annoyed, there's no going back. I can't stop that cycle once it begins.  It's horrible. I'm horrible. I hate being that way, but damn, if you annoy me to that extent, I need you away from me immediately. Because I become the most irritable, rude, teenage-like woman on planet Earth and I never consciously want to subject another person to that version of Amy. Nor do I want to be that Amy. So just get the hell away from me and let me figure out if 1. I need some "me-time", or maybe some food and a nap, 2. Maybe I'm just in a bad head space and I still like you, but everything is going to set me off, or 3. I really just don't like you as a person.

There are people in my life who yes, irritate and annoy me, but I love them and know that they aren't doing it on purpose, they can't help it, they're awesome in so many other ways, I annoy them too, it's all okay.

Then there are others that, fuck, I just wanna throat punch every time they speak. If you could just shut up, maybe I could share my space with you, but since that seems unreasonable to request, maybe just stay the hell away from me. I don't want to go to jail. I would not make a good cell mate.

So, yeah, yesterday I was annoyed and irritated and while I tried to consider that other person's feelings and I attempted to be nice about saying, "I need you to go away", some people I just have to hit over the head with a 2X4 because they're not picking up on my not-so-subtle cues to walk away. And it's always men. Always. Oh, and children.

And do you know, he had the gall to tell me he thinks I behave this way because I'm afraid of my feelings?

Well, he could be right. I'm afraid my feelings are going to end up putting me in jail. Yes.

Am I afraid that I might like you and see a future with you? No. A million times no. I knew it from day one that's not what I wanted from this man and while I was very clear about that, he got feelings. I can't help that. I'm awesome. Who wouldn't want to be with me?

*eye roll*

NOT A MONOLOGUE

The point of this blog isn't to bitch about this, but to help me figure out what makes for good conversation and why does this one person irritate and annoy me so much.  I asked my friend who I do have wonderful conversations with what makes ours so fantastic? He said it's because we come from two different points of views on many things but we don't judge or criticize each other and yet we can have a great debate. He says we should run for Congress.  He says it's because he never needs to be always right and appreciates my views and he finds me interesting.

I would agree with that wholeheartedly. This friend is someone I respect and admire and trust. I've bared my soul to him and he hasn't judged me for it, he hasn't given me advice unless I requested it, he's understanding of my behavior, he's always happy to see me. And his attitude is always a jovial one. I can't remember ever seeing him in a bad mood. We've never argued. I've never been mad at him for anything. Part of me thinks it's because I'm not overly attracted to him physically. I'm attracted to him intellectually. It's a whole different scenario. Plus, he's not often around, so there's that space and time for each of us to live our lives and have shit to talk about when we do see each other.

I also think it's because this particular person isn't judgmental as a whole. He doesn't pick at other people. He doesn't necessarily gossip, but he does share information...like a newspaper. He isn't negative. Every stressor in his life isn't someone else's fault. He's just a normal responsible human being, which is apparently difficult to find in this day and age.

This other person is in a negative headspace right now. Understandably. Totally. He's got a lot of shit going on in his life that, if it were all happening to me, I'd be in a bottle or a hospital or dead. So, yeah, he has every right to feel and behave however the fuck he wants to. And as an alcoholic, it is my responsibility to lend a hand to any other alcoholic when they request it. That does not mean that I have to subject myself to negative behavior just because he wants to spend time with me. I am not his sponsor, nor am I his therapist. But if he truly needed me, in a dire moment, I would absolutely be there for him. I would have to be a cruel son-of-a-bitch to turn my back on someone in that kind of need. And while I put off that persona, I am not cruel.

What keeps rolling around in my head, though, is maybe it isn't him. Maybe it isn't his tone of voice, the somber way he speaks, the words that come out of his mouth, his general persona that irritate me so damn much. Maybe what irritates me is this: We hate in other people what we hate in ourselves.

When I find myself truly disliking someone, I have to consider whether it's them.....or me.

So, yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I have a lot to work through in that respect. I'm taking some time to myself to really ponder all of this. It isn't like I'm sitting around constantly thinking of it, waiting for my head to explode from such intense concentration. No. It'll come to me when I'm not thinking about it, subconsciously, because that's how almost everything important in my life comes to me. God forbid I actually make a conscious decision about anything important.

My relationship status: Already ordered 37 cats.

I love that the few people who actually stay up to date on my blog text me when I haven't written in awhile.

"Are you dead? What's going on? Where are you?!?"

I haven't had much to write about lately. 

That isn't true. I have a shit ton to write about.  It's just that I can't seem to get motivated to write about anything. I've been doing other things, like painting, transcribing, going to AA meetings, online dating (good lord, that shit writes itself), getting my car taken care of, therapy....just every day, normal shit that people do all the time but for me - damn, it's a lot.

I'm tired. I'm tired a lot. I'm trying to balance the things that are essential to keep me sane and sober with the normal everyday stuff. I'm trying not to overdo anything, keep myself focused on the next right thing, and just taking care of myself.

I say "I try" a lot, don't I?  There is no try, only do.

I'm simply writing shit right now, aren't I? Yes, yes, I am.

Okay, let's get to it.

Here's me in the last month:

I've been diligently working on Thanksgiving presents for the M'town family that Mom requested I do.

I like working on one word signs. So much easier and I can get them done quicker.

I'm working on 2 more as Christmas presents for my brothers so I won't post them here because I may do another one if I have time for Ma & Pa....and maybe one for myself, though I can work on mine much, much later.

I'll be starting another one for a Christmas party & raffle I'm attending on December 2. Our family Christmas is December 8. Time is quickly slipping away from me. 


I was also without my car for a very long 2 weeks because as I was hand washing it one day, I noticed the clear coat was peeling off.  So back it went to my friend who did the original work. And my car has been idling a bit rough recently so I hauled it to my dealer (still under warranty for about 2 more days, lol...isn't that how it always works?) and have to take it back tomorrow to have more work done.


As I said in last month's post, I've been attending more AA meetings in the local town not far from my little hamlet. It has honestly been a fantastic experience. I've met so many good people and new friends and have become more and more involved. I've attended large candlelight meetings and small 3-people meetings, but as the AA book says,

Any two or three alcoholics gathered together for sobriety may call themselves an A.A. group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation.

I spent some time recently with an old (& new again) friend who showed genuine interest in AA and what I was doing and I realized in talking to him about it....I have passion for it.  I'm not passionate about many things. Hardly anything, actually. But when I talk about AA with someone who is genuinely interested, I become someone I don't recognize.

When I was in high school, I remember thinking a family member in the program was simply trading one addiction for another.  She was trading her alcohol addiction for a religious addiction (AA). Little did I know then that I would be in the same program as she and feel just as passionate about it now as she did then.  And what a fool I was for thinking something so small about a program so big.

It isn't trading one addiction for another. It's a program that works simply through sharing, listening, lending a helping hand, surrounding oneself with like-minded and similar people who truly understand the struggle, and working it every damn day. It isn't an addiction. It's a need.

Mom asked me recently (when I had to borrow their car often to get to meetings) if everything was okay. She asked why I was going to so many meetings and wanted reassurance that I hadn't done anything. 

I understand why she asked. I hadn't really gone to many meetings since moving to my little hamlet and I can't really explain why I started going to so many now.  I've said before, many of my life choices have been made on a subtle sub-conscious level. It isn't like I was sitting around my home, craving alcohol, thinking, "Oh shit, I'd better get my ass to a meeting". 

No, it wasn't like that. I think I had driven to one of my regular meetings in the city and upon returning home wondered why I wasn't attending meetings locally. I think I had started picking up the Big Book more often. I downloaded the Big Book app and Daily Reflections to my phone so I could have the information everywhere I went. I started spending more time focusing on meditation. I can't tell you exactly what prompted me to attend that first Saturday morning breakfast meeting. I can tell you, I walked in and saw a bunch of dudes sitting around the table and wittily asked, "Can I be here? Is this just a men's meeting?" to which a wonderfully enthusiastic white haired man said, "You can be here! Come on in! There's breakfast if you'd like some!" and I instantly felt comfortable.

I don't know what it is about men and especially older men. They instantly bring me comfort and peace.  And I'm much more open and honest with men than I am women. I always feel less than with women and like I'm being harshly judged. Yet, recently, I've found out some of those men who were so welcoming also had (have) some reservations about me as a woman and are judging (have judged) me and "know" why women start attending meetings (puh-leeze and fuck you very much).  I simply let people think whatever the hell they want (they're going to anyway) and just be me, because I'm pretty awesome (I'm slowly starting to realize.... baby steps) and I'm there for one reason and one reason only- to stay sober.  My intentions are pure and over time, anybody who questioned that will find out for themselves.

It's frowned upon in AA to get involved with the opposite sex, especially when sobriety is a new and tenuous life. I have well over 6 years in and I am still leery to get involved with a person who attends the same AA meetings as I do.  I also see the  allure of it, though, to be intimately involved with someone who truly "gets" you and who is working as hard as you are to be a better version of themselves.

At this point, though, I'm not looking to be in a relationship with anyone in AA. I am opening myself up to any relationship, though, be it intimate, friends, acquaintances, etc., as a whole and in general. And I feel as if I have made some very good friends recently through the program. I went to a meeting with the enthusiastic white haired gentleman in the city last Friday night. I had had a very busy day, didn't even get a nap, and should have gone directly to bed, but I felt the need to reach out to him and ask if he wanted to go. It was one of the best meetings I had been to because it was at a homeless shelter and there is no better way to stay sober than to see where life would lead me if I took that first drink....it would be so much more than one drink.  He and I went out to eat afterward and I didn't get home until late, but it was worth it. I can sleep when I'm dead, right? No, lol, that is not the case. I napped. I nap. I need sleep. Stop judging me! ;0

I've also been spending time with a newbie (or as I like to say, someone "fresh") to the program. He only has months in and life is fragile and changes daily for him, but I'm glad we've spent time together and gotten to know each other. I like to think I'm imparting some wisdom to him, though I suspect I simply have a nice ass.  Regardless, I need his help as much as he needs mine. Helping someone new to the program keeps those of us who have a few 24 hours in, in check. I think it helps us stop being complacent. It reminds us where we were. It forces us to regurgitate what we've learned.

And while I've set boundaries he's agreed to in our relationship for his sake more than mine, because I could seriously fuck him up and know I have the capacity and ability to do so and honestly do not want an intimate relationship with him, the more time we spend together and the more we talk and learn, the closer and closer we get. But I'm still an irritable bitch who needs her time and space and I don't see anything changing that anytime soon, so I am overly cautious with him. Like I said, for his sake, not mine.

AA says

Remember that we deal with alcohol—cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us.

I remember and know for a fact, that when you're fresh in your sobriety, you're focused so much on simply not drinking....and then, at a certain point, typically months, you stop focusing so much on not drinking and focus more on dealing with the issues that caused you to drink in the first place. So not drinking takes a bit of a back seat and that's when it gets dangerous. 

I drank for a lot of reasons, but my most dangerous time now is when I'm feeling especially good.  It's as if I don't think I deserve to feel good or be happy so I self-sabotage.  I catch myself, to this day, fighting those few fleeting thoughts, when I feel good about myself.  I'll be doing something, like picking food up from the store for a meeting, and I'll see the beer aisle and the thought will cross my mind and I usually smile, look away and remind myself why I'm sober today.  Because I want to be. Because I need to be. Because if I play that tape through, I know where I'll end up. I know the disappointment and hurt I will cause. I know that my life would not be the same. I know that I would lose respect. I know that if I took that one drink, it would quickly turn into a thousand more and I'd wake up one day and wonder how the hell that happened and probably just die.

So, no, I do not want to drink. And right now is all I have. There are no guarantees in life. I can't say I'm not going to drink tomorrow or even later today. All I can say is I am not drinking right now, nor have I since August 8, 2011, and I will not give up this fight so easily.   I'm stubborn like that.

Did I mention I started a new meeting in my own little hamlet?  I did, 2 weeks ago.  It's on Sunday mornings at 8AM at the public library.  I get down there around 7 to get a dozen donuts (I'm ever the optimist) and start the coffee because even though the meeting starts at 8, people tend to arrive much earlier just to chat. The meeting is going well (average of 7 so far) and I hope when the words gets out, more people will attend. I've gotten an EIN for the group so I can open an account at the local bank to deposit the offerings each week. 

It freaks me out a little bit, to be honest with you, to be responsible for something other than myself. These days, I don't want to commit to anything or be responsible for anything or have anybody rely on me for anything because.... I guess I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop - the other shoe being depression, of course - and for me to fall apart again. But a person can't live life that way, holding themselves back because something might happen.  I'm learning how to let worry go about things that haven't even happened yet and to focus on the present. And fuck that, I am responsible. I am a responsible adult. I can commit to something important to me. Others can rely on me.

It's different leading a meeting than attending a meeting. It's a whole different feeling. I am more tense. I am more aware of the time. I am more aware of who is there and who isn't. I am on edge, wanting everyone to feel comfortable. I try not to stress, and honest to god, I don't so much. I mean, I could let my anxiety completely take over and be a shaking mess by the time the meeting started, but I don't and I'm not. I'm learning to just let go, to relax, to know and believe that all will be well.  All will be as it should be.

When you're new in AA, all of the old-timers give you their phone number. You're supposed to call them when you feel like taking a drink.  That phone is so fucking heavy then, it's impossible to pick up and call someone. I did, but only after several months. I still have 2 phone numbers in my phone from my first meeting and they've passed on but I can't give them up. Man, I miss them.... But today, I have so many AA phone numbers in my phone, I don't know who to call first and today it isn't so much because I'm afraid I might drink. It's to stay in touch and to check on them and to spend time together. My phone is light as a feather these days and for that, I am ever grateful, because I know if I get sick on a Sunday morning, I can call one of those people and know that they will take care of the meeting for me.


As for on-line dating, there isn't much new on that front. It's still the same shit, just a different day. I have had a couple of dates but none that really lit my fire.  On that front, my fire may be dying, lol, and would that be such a horrible thing? No, no it would not. I can't wait for the day menopause hits and my libido disappears for the rest of my life because this shit is crazy. I don't like feeling like my vag is leading me around. I wonder if I need Sex Addicts Anonymous, though that seems like it might be counterproductive.  Like, you're in a room with other people who enjoy sex as much as you do and the only thing separating you from said sex are thin layers of clothing.  So, no, that doesn't seem like such a good idea. Though I heard someone the other night during a meeting say they're going to work the 12 Steps to quit smoking and I thought, "Why have I never thought of that before? To use the steps in other aspects of my life?" Because I do not have an original thought in my head, that's why.  It's something to consider.  And no, I don't really think I'm a sex addict. I do enjoy it and sometimes a little too much, but all things considered, that isn't so bad.

This is what online dating is like:

Seriously. This is what it's like. I'm not kidding. And then there are one or two relatively normal men who seem somewhat interesting who I never hear from again because either 1. They're married 2. They were just bored that night 3. They found someone shinier and flashier than me. Online dating is horrible....but it's free entertainment and a person can't go wrong with that, can they? And I'm a hopeless romantic who loves love and can't imagine ever giving up on that one true love magically appearing in my life through Plenty of Fish.  ;)


And for your viewing pleasure, HEEEEEEEEEERE'S CREEPER!

I'm not kidding. Something is wrong with her.