"I need a man who spoils me or I don't need a man at all."

The man is sick...has been sick for a week and while he intended to be with me Saturday/Sunday, he was too sick. Understandable. I don't want whatever he's got because I'm pretty sure it would put me down, like a lame horse. Then again...I want to spend time with him so badly, I wouldn't mind and it would be worth it.

I had prepared myself earlier in the week for this to happen - my disappointment in getting no time with someone I want to spend all of my time with. I knew this would happen. I knew he wouldn't come down Saturday and so I had prepared my day. Because you know me- I need a plan. Always. Did you know it's common for someone with anxiety like I have to experience it ten-fold when plans change? I googled it. That shit is real. I thought it was just me and my rigidness in routine and planning. It's not (well, maybe a little of that). So I've been having extremely high anxiety all weekend and it fucking sucks.

I've refrained from text-bombing him because he needs his rest and I don't want to be the reason that's disturbed. But it drives me absolutely bonkers not to hear from him for incredibly long periods of time. It makes me feel....like I'm an afterthought. Like I don't matter. Like I'm less-than. Like I'm wayyyyyyy more invested in him than he is in me....and that's a dangerous place for me to be. I think it's a dangerous place for anybody to be. When I put my heart in someone else's hands and they drop it on the ground and it gets kicked around a bit in the dirt & gravel before they bother to pick it up, brush it off and then lovingly hold it in their hands again...until the next time they forget about it and let it slip from their hands and the cycle goes 'round and 'round and 'round.

And what's worse? I do this to myself. I put myself in these situations and invest so much of myself in someone else that I allow them to have the power over me to hurt me.  But isn't that what love is? Trusting someone with your heart - that heart that's already been so beat to shit it's covered in scars and yet it still beats and pumps blood and keeps this fine-ass body functioning. Trusting someone with that lemon-of-a-heart to protect it, take care of it as if it's their own, spoil it, treat it as if it's the most special heart in all the world. I think so.

Because when I fall in love, I fall like an anchor dropped to the ocean floor. I might admonish myself to slow things down, but I only go slow when I'm not really interested in anything more than a quick fling. If I move fast, it means I feel like I know this is right. I lay all my cards on the table because I'm all in.  And, inevitably, I feel like this - anxious, unsure, needy. So fucking needy.

So today, rather than pining for him and driving myself absolutely insane, I've made plans to keep myself busy... that's the only way I survive this "apartness".  Because not only do I have him on my mind non-stop, I also think, "I've only gotten to spend 2.5 days with him in over 2 weeks. I'm not going to see him again until next Sunday and that's if I'm lucky enough to be graced with his presence, which I highly doubt I'll get. And then the next weekend is Labor Day weekend and we're supposed to be living together by then? WTF?" It feels counterproductive to spend so little time together the month before we begin living together. Do other people do this when they have the option not to? And now you can see why I feel as if "he's just not that into me". Either that, or he's so fucking sure of me that he doesn't need like I need.  But you know how my brain works, so guess which thought I have in my mind.  Yeah, not the latter.

You might wonder why I cropped Mom out?
Because she hates this picture of her and I respect that.

My problem (one of many) is: While I do believe both of the previous images and what they say, I also think it's pretty one-sided. I believe in equality in all things and that includes expressing feelings, showing love, doing for others.  But, yes, of course I want to feel as if I'm wanted, I'm missed, I am loved as I love, that he feels proud and lucky as hell to be my one. I look at my mom & dad's wedding picture and my dad looks like the happiest man on the earth! Because he knew. He knew he was marrying someone special, someone he was going to treat like a goddamn queen the rest of his life and want to do that.

I want that. I want my man to appreciate me, recognize that I don't give my all to just anyone and how special it is that I chose him to give my all to, to spoil me, treat me like the queen that I am because I will treat him like the king that he is, to find me as irresistible as I find him and not be able to go hours, days, weeks without speaking, being together and loving on each other...because my top two needs in a relationship are: 1. communication and 2. sex and right now I'm not getting either.

I chatted with a long-time friend last night who said, "How hard is it to talk to you and have sex with you?" Apparently too hard. I must be very difficult. But then again....he is sick (how sick do you have to be to not be able to text the woman you love?).

Confidence level: Selfie with no filter.....or makeup. And.... in case I go missing, you have plenty of pics to choose from!

6 year chip!

Garfield was all up in my business last night. I couldn't resist taking numerous pictures of her happy to be cuddling with the warm body that feeds her... My apologies. 

And I just can't resist....

1990? Who knows. Look at all that damn hair!

I don't know about him, but I look exactly the same. ;)

Life. Is. Good.

Sobriety: If you're not completely satisfied, we'll refund your misery!

SIX YEARS SOBER!

I feel as if reaching this particular year is significant somehow. I don't know why, really. It isn't as if it's a 5 year or 10 year or 20 year. It's a random number.

I think it's because I've noticed over the past year that I'm much more comfortable with my sobriety. I have no problem telling people I don't drink and if they ask, telling them why. I'm much more open about the whole thing. I don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. I don't care what people think about it or me relating to it. I'm just genuinely comfortable with it.

Thus the post on Facebook. I rarely post on FB. I hardly ever go to Facebook and when I do, I don't give a shit what most people are posting. I look at Ben's timeline. I stalk my own brother. But because I feel that this is a more important year than others, I felt the need to proclaim it to my Facebook "friends".

I'm looking forward to receiving my 6 year chip at my regular Friday meeting in the Big O. I can absolutely guarantee I'll cry. I swear, I've cried more at AA meetings than anywhere else in my life. It's a bit ridiculous, really, except that at those meetings, I feel most comfortable to talk about the reality of sobriety....which is this: You have to fucking feel shit.

That's the hardest part, I think. Dealing with all those feelings I tried so hard to quash with drinking. But today.....man, today, I feel fucking awesome.

It may have to do with my new dating situation. We've had a bump or two over the last 4 weeks (see previous post), but we've been able to talk them out and come to a better understanding of each other. We're progressing and progress is a good thing. I feel like I'm in a mature relationship where, while I can sometimes (Really? Only sometimes?) be irrational or overthink everything to death, he's patient with me and understands this- a relationship- isn't easy for me. I want it. I'll work on it. But it doesn't necessarily come naturally to me like I think it does for other people.

He has baggage. I have my own baggage. I feel as if his is easier to deal with (for me) because it isn't so much emotional - he doesn't seem damaged like I am. The core of who he is is strong...whereas my core is constantly flexing, expanding, contrasting, changing.... growing. A bit like my abs, funnily enough.

And  you know what else? The bumps we've had forced me to look at my needs in a relationship, the things I'm willing to work on, other things I'm not...but more than that - I've had to realize my worth. *eye roll* That's still a work in progress, but there were a few exercises I found online that really helped me put into words (for my own well-being) what my needs are.

The most helpful thing was to consider previous relationships that didn't end well. What were the negative patterns that didn't fulfill me? Lack of interest, lack of communication, lack of affection, distrust, lack of respect/privacy, inconsistency, drinking, lies, cheating, not a priority, threats...are just a few because let's face it...I've had a lot of relationships end poorly. I'm sure this list could go on for pages and pages, but it's best to stick with what comes to mind right away.  I also thought about the characteristics of people I respect and admire and about relationships that bring out the best in me- the people who make me feel safe & secure - people with whom I can be myself...and why. And why someone should choose me.  I joke it's because I'm a constant fucking delight, but we all know that's not the truth. However, I have many other redeeming qualities that I'm starting to believe are true and not just words.

I can't explain why I feel so good right now at this very moment. I feel physically healthy. I feel mentally healthy. It could just be that I had the best night's sleep I've had since I-can't-remember-when. Regardless, I'm proud of who I am today.  

And for that, dear readers, thank you from the bottom of my warped heart. I wouldn't be here today without each of you!

"To heal a wound you need to stop touching it."

I'm going to attempt to do something I'm not really good at and am incredibly uncomfortable doing.

Love myself.

To give a bit of context, I met Ricky's kids last weekend. I thought it went as well as could be expected when I was sure to fail miserably spending so much time with children for the first time. Who thought a whole weekend as a first meet was a good idea?  However, they were delightful and fun and sweet and smart. I was....not so much. I had just gotten back from CO. I was tired. I was stressed. But still....no excuse. I should've stepped it up and been a fucking delight the entire time. I was not. I shut myself off Saturday afternoon and didn't turn myself on again until Sunday morning.

I wish I could really do that. Like a machine. Power down to rejuvenate and then power back up when I'm fully charged. That's essentially what it's like for me as an introvert. Maybe I am a machine. If so, you can bet I'm a Mr. Coffee.

Anywhoo, he handled my mood Saturday in such a loving and caring way, I thought we would be ok. Anybody who can handle that shit is a fucking rock star in my book. And then Sunday night/Monday happened and.... *eye roll*.  I got upset because he said he would call or text after his softball game Sunday and he didn't and it wasn't the first time he's gone incommunicado which makes me worried, anxious, confused, angry, sad, disappointed. Feel like shit, basically.  He texted Monday morning, but I didn't want to respond until after my therapy appointment (good timing). She suggested I use "I" statements and to say, "I feel _______ when (situation) _______. I need ________."  So I tried. I really, really did. "I feel confused when you say you're going to do something and then you don't follow through. I need consistency."

It didn't go so well. I ended up hanging up on him. We texted some more on Tuesday but that didn't go so well either and by Wednesday morning, he took himself out of the equation and I was the only one left willing to try. It's hard to work on a relationship when you're the only one willing to do so.

So! Loving myself. When do I get to that bit, right?

The loss of someone - anyone- is hard. Again, I'm left with this Grand Canyon size gap between all the sweet words a man said and his actions. I could spend hours, days, weeks, months(!) dwelling on the dissonance and continuing the fantasy of what could've been.... But not this time.

This time, I'm arming myself with loving myself more.  Jesus. This is hard.

Here's what I tell myself numerous times a day:

• I am worth more than begging someone to love, want, choose me. 
• If he doesn't 100% want me, Let. Him. Go.
• Let go of the fantasy.
• Reject the rejecter.  Stop glorifying the relationship. Stop reminiscing about the talks, the kisses, the way I felt in his arms. Stop all that shit. Focus on his faults.

• And for Pete's sake, STOP thinking about him! Focus on something else - anything else. Keep yourself busy. Laugh. A lot. Fake it til you make it, Amy.

Look, in reality, all I want to do is text him, call him, show up at his door and beg his forgiveness and to just love me through this. Just give me one more chance! I'll be perfect! I'll be everything  you want me to be, everything you thought I was! (Do you see how unhealthy that is? I'll never be any of that. I'm just me. Perfectly imperfect and incredibly flawed. I could never be in a relationship where I felt like I couldn't be me.)

My problem is this: I think, What if he's sitting at home, missing me as much as I'm missing him? What if he wants to work it out but is too afraid to reach out? What if he wants this, really wants this, and is waiting for me to tell him....what? Something I haven't said 100 times already? Riiiiight.  Because this:

Because, again, I AM WORTH MORE THAN BEGGING SOMEONE TO LOVE ME.

Here's what I find interesting in all this: I was Chris in this relationship and Ricky was me. How the fuck did that happen? How did I become so insecure and untrusting and suspicious and volatile and angry and scared and confused...Jesus, I've been more confused over the past 2 weeks than I think I've ever been in my fucking life! So, if this 3 week relationship taught me anything, it taught me this: I'm sorry, Chris, I'm sorry. I mean, you were still a narcissistic asshole who almost ruined my life, but still....if I've learned anything in AA, it's this. When you point your finger of blame at someone, remember, there are 3 fingers pointing back at you. And maybe that's what this relationship with Ricky was supposed to teach me....to put me in Chris' shoes in order to understand his perspective a little bit better. Who the fuck knows. I hate it no matter what.

The difference in my relationship with Chris and the one with Ricky is this: I was willing to work through anything with Chris until I told him not to come back until he got his shit together (his shit must still be scattered....). But even then, I would have continued to work through anything if only he had. Because I'm a masochist (the deriving of pleasure from being mistreated in some way). Apparently I take pleasure in my own pain. No shit, Sherlock. Ricky obviously loves himself more than I love myself because he was willing to walk away when there was even a slight bump in the road, whereas I just kept going back for more torture with Chris.

I still want Ricky. I still catch myself numerous times during the day missing him, wanting to reach out. I genuinely miss him. But then I remind myself, "If he doesn't 100% want you, LET. HIM. GO."

I'd like to say I'm done jumping head first into shallow waters, but let's face it. I love to love. I love being in love. I love the excitement, the passion, the rush and then the settling into each other, finding the comfort zone, the love. So while I'm not sure how much more my broken heart can take, I'll recover and move on and give myself another chance to find the love that I long for....that I deserve.

And in that vein, I'm working on figuring out what my core needs are in these types of relationships. What are my non-negotiables? That's for another post, dear reader. Know that I'm going to (hopefully) come out of this better than before....and for that, thank you Ricky.