I've already done two out of three and those didn't work out so well, so I guess that leaves death.
I said two, three, four, five times today, "That's it! I'm going to the bar!" Or "I'm done! Let's go drink!"
I'm installing, networking, downloading, connecting, setting up new computers at work. If this doesn't drive me to drink, nothing will.
In all seriousness, it is the most frustrating thing in the world for me to do. If everything worked perfectly and if everything did what it was supposed to do and if it were easy-peasy, it'd be no big deal. However, nothing is ever easy and nothing ever works out perfectly, so I get frustrated. I spent more time on the phone today with help desks of our various software providers, they now know me by name and answer their phone, "Hello Amy, what do you need now?" as they're rolling their eyes. I don't ever want to use a phone again. Ever.
And then I get the ridiculous comments or questions by the staff using their new computers. Why am I suddenly the expert? How the hell am I supposed to know all this? Why don't YOU know? Figure it out on your own...that's what I'm doing! I need to reign all that shit in and practice patience. Slap a smile on my face and a "How may I help you?" instead of the grimace & growl. Not everybody can figure things out they way I can. I don't know why they can't, but they can't. So instead of rolling my eyes at them or sighing heavily, I recognize they don't grasp it as easily as I do. Someday, I'll be the same way. I'm already there with cell phones.
Tomorrow will be a better day. I've worked all the kinks out on my own new computer so everybody else's should be easy. Right? Right? Right!?!?!
And no, I wasn't all that serious about hitting the bar & guzzling as many beers as I could in 5 minutes, but the thought did cross my mind. At one point, I was at my peak frustration level (re: in tears) and thought, "Fuck it, I'm getting as drunk as I can". And then reality set in. I'm not going to drink, though I'm sure some of my friends/staff were a bit concerned. One came back from lunch with a bag (A BAG) of peanut butter Snickers. The true way to my heart.
In all reality, I enjoy this shit. I was so busy yesterday & today, I barely took the time to pee. I only smoked 3 cigarettes today while at work. THREE. Unheard of. I was too busy to even think beyond what I was doing. It was a pleasure. I want, at the end of the day, to feel like I accomplished something; I didn't kill anybody; and I did good today.
God damn.
Oh, and I'm pretty sure the employer is just waiting for me to kill myself over getting all these damn computers set up, then they'll say, "Thanks for the service...we're through with you." It won't matter. I'll be dead anyway.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Saturday, January 19, 2013
"They say genes skip generations. Maybe that's why grandparents find their grandchildren so likeable." - Joan McIntosh
I haven't blogged in awhile because quite honestly, there hasn't been a whole lot of positive to blog about and I'm sick & tired of bitching about the same shit over & over. My Bucket of Bliss remained empty....until today.
My family in M'town does that to me. I don't know why. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's that we don't see each other every day. Maybe it's that they're just funny people with dramatic lives. It isn't that we do anything outrageous. We mostly sit around, drink coffee, smoke cigarettes and talk, talk, talk.
It's nice to talk to my Aunt Bev about what's happening at work and about my AA meetings and simply about how I'm doing. Not many in my family actually want to talk about "the problem". It's like a dirty little secret not to be discussed or maybe I just feel like everybody else is sick of it already and doesn't really want to hear about it. It's just refreshing to be able to talk about shit with people who have to care about you, no matter how awful you are, and who actually want to know.
However, I realized there's a fine line between just talking about my alcoholism and reliving it, re: seriously wanting a drink. It crosses that line about 2 minutes in. I don't experience this during AA meetings so much, which are an hour long, but I do when I'm just talking to other people. Odd & something to be cautious about.
Talking is draining. It doesn't help that at Grandma's and Cousin Emily's, they've got the heat set at 80 degrees when everybody else has their windows open because it's 50 degrees outside. Puts a person to sleep!
I don't usually have problems sleeping...I can pretty much sleep any time, any place (take Grandma's 80 degree home - YAWN). It might take me 2 hours to fall asleep, but it takes me that long when I'm home, so no diff. Last night was different. I had the furnace vent directly over the bed I was sleeping in. Did I mention it was 80 degrees in that house? Even in the basement. Not good for a person who's used to a 60-degree home & goes to bed shivering. I can't wait to get to sleep tonight in my ice-cold bed with my electric blanket!
I've realized I have a weird thing about eating. It's like I'm afraid I'm not going to get my next meal so that's top on my list..."Where are we going to eat? When?" It isn't that I'm starving. Trust me. It would take awhile for this body to starve, but it's as if someone stole all my food as a child and I've had to scrounge around for my next meal too often. Nobody did and I haven't. Yet another neuroses of mine to enjoy.
I missed Elvis. I wish he were a combination cat/dog that I could take traveling with me everywhere I go, yet keep his cat-ness. Then I got home and the incessant meowing began. Oh yeah. I forgot about that precious gem.
My car handled beautifully and while I still had mini-panic-attacks the entire way there & back (I think I'm a bit claustrophobic when too many cars surround me), all in all, not one single issue. The weather was beautiful (though it was a bit breezy...I've realized I need driving gloves because my hands sweat constantly-- panic attacks-- and that makes the steering wheel slippery and I worry I'm going to lose my grip and go free-wheeling through the median....seriously, I have issues, if you hadn't guessed).
It's good to be home but most of the time I wish my home were so much closer to them....like next door.
My family in M'town does that to me. I don't know why. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's that we don't see each other every day. Maybe it's that they're just funny people with dramatic lives. It isn't that we do anything outrageous. We mostly sit around, drink coffee, smoke cigarettes and talk, talk, talk.
It's nice to talk to my Aunt Bev about what's happening at work and about my AA meetings and simply about how I'm doing. Not many in my family actually want to talk about "the problem". It's like a dirty little secret not to be discussed or maybe I just feel like everybody else is sick of it already and doesn't really want to hear about it. It's just refreshing to be able to talk about shit with people who have to care about you, no matter how awful you are, and who actually want to know.
However, I realized there's a fine line between just talking about my alcoholism and reliving it, re: seriously wanting a drink. It crosses that line about 2 minutes in. I don't experience this during AA meetings so much, which are an hour long, but I do when I'm just talking to other people. Odd & something to be cautious about.
Talking is draining. It doesn't help that at Grandma's and Cousin Emily's, they've got the heat set at 80 degrees when everybody else has their windows open because it's 50 degrees outside. Puts a person to sleep!
I don't usually have problems sleeping...I can pretty much sleep any time, any place (take Grandma's 80 degree home - YAWN). It might take me 2 hours to fall asleep, but it takes me that long when I'm home, so no diff. Last night was different. I had the furnace vent directly over the bed I was sleeping in. Did I mention it was 80 degrees in that house? Even in the basement. Not good for a person who's used to a 60-degree home & goes to bed shivering. I can't wait to get to sleep tonight in my ice-cold bed with my electric blanket!
I've realized I have a weird thing about eating. It's like I'm afraid I'm not going to get my next meal so that's top on my list..."Where are we going to eat? When?" It isn't that I'm starving. Trust me. It would take awhile for this body to starve, but it's as if someone stole all my food as a child and I've had to scrounge around for my next meal too often. Nobody did and I haven't. Yet another neuroses of mine to enjoy.
I missed Elvis. I wish he were a combination cat/dog that I could take traveling with me everywhere I go, yet keep his cat-ness. Then I got home and the incessant meowing began. Oh yeah. I forgot about that precious gem.
My car handled beautifully and while I still had mini-panic-attacks the entire way there & back (I think I'm a bit claustrophobic when too many cars surround me), all in all, not one single issue. The weather was beautiful (though it was a bit breezy...I've realized I need driving gloves because my hands sweat constantly-- panic attacks-- and that makes the steering wheel slippery and I worry I'm going to lose my grip and go free-wheeling through the median....seriously, I have issues, if you hadn't guessed).
It's good to be home but most of the time I wish my home were so much closer to them....like next door.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
Give me a drink. Now. Right now.
I know what you're thinking..... "What happened now?"
The answer is nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I've had a very normal day. I slept in, which was a bit abnormal, but was still up & rarin' to go by 7:30. I got groceries. I set my car-rearview-mirror-garage-door-opener. By myself, I might add. Pretty darn proud of myself about that. I emptied a file folder into a 3-ring-binder. I drank a pot of coffee. I ate lunch. I read. I tried to nap but the damn neighbors' dogs woke me up after only 5 minutes. Damn dogs. And since then I've watched t.v.
I was simply sitting here watching What Not to Wear featuring Natalie from The Facts of Life. Remember Natalie? She's 44 & more entertaining now. Just watching t.v.......And then I thought, Good God, give me a drink.
What a fucking depressing life I lead.
I heard David Letterman on a snippet talking about the bout of depression he went through and he said something like, "You always want it dark. All you want to do is crawl into bed....." That's my every day! And I think that's normal! Totally, totally normal! I think it's normal that I love winter because it's darker, among other reasons. I love going to bed! I thought it was because I got a new mattress pad and electric blanket!
Maybe I am depressed. Am I depressed? Am I? Am I? Is that why I have this sudden urge to just start drinking again?
*eye roll* w/ a headshake
I don't think that's it. I think I missed my meeting yesterday. I think too many holidays at one time and too many days off from 'normal' do not do me good. Yes, time away from the stress of work is good but not when all a person is doing is sitting on their ass. I think I've gotten too lazy. I think I'm not exercising. I'm hibernating. I think I'm bored out of my mind. I think I'm carrying around a lot of anxiety & stress & anger & frustration & irritation and what I really need is a goddamn punching bag. Not alcohol.
I'm going to go get another cup (pot) of coffee. I'm going to put in my ear buds and jam to some loud music. I might even lift a weight or two. I'm going to turn off the goddamn television (I think I've become my grandmother). And yes, I'm still going to look forward to going to bed....SOBER.
I know what you're thinking..... "What happened now?"
The answer is nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I've had a very normal day. I slept in, which was a bit abnormal, but was still up & rarin' to go by 7:30. I got groceries. I set my car-rearview-mirror-garage-door-opener. By myself, I might add. Pretty darn proud of myself about that. I emptied a file folder into a 3-ring-binder. I drank a pot of coffee. I ate lunch. I read. I tried to nap but the damn neighbors' dogs woke me up after only 5 minutes. Damn dogs. And since then I've watched t.v.
I was simply sitting here watching What Not to Wear featuring Natalie from The Facts of Life. Remember Natalie? She's 44 & more entertaining now. Just watching t.v.......And then I thought, Good God, give me a drink.
What a fucking depressing life I lead.
I heard David Letterman on a snippet talking about the bout of depression he went through and he said something like, "You always want it dark. All you want to do is crawl into bed....." That's my every day! And I think that's normal! Totally, totally normal! I think it's normal that I love winter because it's darker, among other reasons. I love going to bed! I thought it was because I got a new mattress pad and electric blanket!
Maybe I am depressed. Am I depressed? Am I? Am I? Is that why I have this sudden urge to just start drinking again?
*eye roll* w/ a headshake
I don't think that's it. I think I missed my meeting yesterday. I think too many holidays at one time and too many days off from 'normal' do not do me good. Yes, time away from the stress of work is good but not when all a person is doing is sitting on their ass. I think I've gotten too lazy. I think I'm not exercising. I'm hibernating. I think I'm bored out of my mind. I think I'm carrying around a lot of anxiety & stress & anger & frustration & irritation and what I really need is a goddamn punching bag. Not alcohol.
I'm going to go get another cup (pot) of coffee. I'm going to put in my ear buds and jam to some loud music. I might even lift a weight or two. I'm going to turn off the goddamn television (I think I've become my grandmother). And yes, I'm still going to look forward to going to bed....SOBER.
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