In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.' -Stephen Colbert

It's a good thing my brain & body have autopilot because I don't remember how I drove back to work after my meeting this afternoon. I bet there's a post on that new website that gives drivers an outlet to vent about other idiot drivers; "Little blue Hyundai chick with spiky hair=you suck!" Luckily, I'm safe & sound behind my desk, continuing to ponder my 'after-meeting' meeting.

Do you know much about AA? It's 12-steps. It's Traditions. It's meetings, meetings, meetings. It's sponsors. It tries not to be blatantly "christian" but in all reality.....  I often wonder, how does an atheist or agnostic feel about AA? I bet not too open to it and probably slightly uncomfortable during the Serenity Prayer or the "Our Father".  If AA isn't "christian" why those prayers? Just a thought....

Below are the 12-steps. Tell me how an atheist or agnostic is supposed to "work the program":

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God

as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

If you're an atheist or agnostic in AA, your higher power can be anything you want it to be. It can be a chair. A CHAIR, for pity's sake.  Tell me, please, what kind of sense it makes that a chair "could restore us to sanity", or how a chair could "remove all these defects of character", or how a chair could "remove all our shortcomings". 

Only by knocking me over the head could a chair accomplish all of that.  Let it be, Chair, let it be. Amen.

"Grant me the serenity to change the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I wear an amulet around my neck. It's the Serenity Prayer. I bought it one of the first days out of treatment and have worn it ever since. It's comfort around my neck. I play with the amulet constantly, especially while I'm speaking to a crowd of people about uncomfortable things.

Today, as I was getting ready to walk in front of the congregation to give the church announcements, a band member saw the amulet and said, "I've loved that prayer since I was a little girl! (giggling) Now AA uses it as their motto."  Like nobody else can like the prayer because AA uses it and if you like the prayer, you must be an alcoholic and there must be shame in that? Or that the prayer is only, always & forever associated with AA? *sigh*  Guess I was outed.

What made my "outing" much more memorable was this: another band member was standing there, and said, "AA stole the Serenity prayer just like the gays stole rainbows....." Most hilarious moment of my day.

(On a side note: I don't think AA 'stole' anything, nor do I think gays 'stole' rainbows. It's just funny, folks.)

It's not me. It's you.

I fired my IOP dude via voicemail. I'm still shaking & sweating from nervousness. It's a lot like breaking up with a long-time boyfriend. Uncomfortable. Scary. Nerve-racking. But also exhilirating. Freeing.

I'm just thankful I got his voicemail. If I could have emailed him, I would have. Or even texted. Anything to avoid actually speaking to him would have sufficed. Snail mail? Yes. Thank god he didn't answer his phone.  And because I had to leave him a message, I will not be answering my phone ever again since I don't have caller ID and I know he'll call me back to find out why.

Why?!?

I've blogged about him enough, you should know why.  Though he'll have no clue and I'm too polite to tell him exactly why. God forbid I hurt his feelings.

"What's drinking? A mere pause from thinking!" -George Gordon, Lord Byron, The Deformed Transformed

I'm worried about tonight. I'm worried about tomorrow. Hell, I'm worried about the next 5 minutes.

I stopped at the gas station on the way in to work to buy cigarettes. Still haven't gotten around to that. They didn't have them. Story of my life. I'll have to stop today on my way home from work.

Will I? Won't I? Will I? Won't I? Will I? Won't I?

Why the hell is it any question at all?

My treatment counselor, Chuck, would say it's because I have a healthy respect for my addiction.  I know how easy it is to slip. How easy it is to convince myself. I'm just one day closer to my next drink.

All I want to do is go home, put on my p.j.'s and curl up in a ball under the covers.  I know I need to reach out and ask for help tonight, but I don't want to. I don't want to go to someone else's house and sit. I don't want to talk. I don't want to go shopping. I don't want to go out to eat. I don't want to do any of that. I just want to get home and be safe. I want to live my life, not be part of somebody else's.

So I might just call you on my way home. I'll be one of those annoying people I despise who walk around with the cell phone glued to their ear, carrying on a conversation while trying to make a purchase, talking too loudly and bothering all those around them, just so I can buy these damn cigarettes without making a seriously detrimental mistake. I'll be that person. I'll do whatever I have to do in order to stay sober.

Dammit.

"We have good news and bad news here. The good news is you never have to drink again even if you want to. The bad news is that we're your new friends."

As I was quietly crying in my AA meeting this morning, grieving for my friend who had passed on, I had a bit of an epiphany. I'm sure many others who have sat in these same rooms, drinking so-so coffee have also had the same epiphany, but for me it was a big Ah-Ha! moment. 

I was thinking about giving a memorial in honor of this friend and it struck me: I want to give all I have to this group of people and I don't even feel that way about my own church. Church needs to be more like AA.

When I enter an AA meeting, I'm welcomed. People greet me. They make me feel like they actually want me there. They take me under their wings. They listen to me. They really hear me. They are self-less. If I needed anything, they would help. There is a strong, strong bond among this rag-tag group of people. It's a group of people that would never come together if not for AA. Yet, we become friends. We're close. Maybe closer to each other than to any other people in our normal lives. We care about each other. If someone is missing, we worry. AA isn't about religion. It isn't about politics. It isn't about money. It isn't about anything other than helping each other stay sober. AA isn't always about ME.  It's about listening to someone else's story. It's about respecting that other person.  It's about helping that other person.  Yet, I feel listened to all the time. Respected. Helped. In giving of myself, I feel cared for.  I want to be a better person to these people & for these people, because they have been better people for, and to, me.

Pass it on, my friends. That's all it comes down to.  Paying it forward.

Maybe church is like this for some people and it isn't for me because of my own experience. Maybe because I work for a church. I know too much. I see too much. I hear too much. 

It takes a lot for me to show compassion. I'm not the most self-less person in the world. I mostly dislike people. BUT, at an AA meeting, I show compassion. I am self-less. And I do like people.  It's amazing the people I like! And there's the difference. 

IMHO, if church were more like AA, we wouldn't be consistently losing members throughout all denominations. Our pews would be overflowing with all sorts of people. Just something to think about....

"Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force."--YODA, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

I lost an AA friend today.

You know last night when I said things were better? They're not.

This "feeling" shit sucks ass. Crying? Horrible. Grief? Miserable.

I'd rather be drinking.

The strength I get to make it through this day will come from this man.

FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT! 

If I can fake it through this day and make it home tonight and survive the night without drinking, I may actually come to believe in miracles. Maybe.

"Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life." -Mark Twain

My day got better....

Though hauling all these books from my car to my apartment almost killed me. It was worth it.

Thanks, Tim!

"Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it." -Mark Twain

I feel like shit this morning.

Have I hit "The Wall"? Every time I say "the wall" I think of Pink Floyd. Not the movie. The song,  "Another Brick in the Wall".  I love me some Pink Floyd. I bet if I listened to enough Pink Floyd, I'd be sitting in my apartment, smoking pot, if I knew how to get pot.

Back to the Wall.  The Wall is a stage in early recovery. It sometimes, not always, hits from week 6 to 4 months. I'm at week 11, Day 79. Up to this point, my struggle hasn't been nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I don't think I was riding any "pink cloud" or anything as dramatic as that, but it's been a fairly smooth ride. Yes, I've had thoughts, urges, cravings. I've broken down and cried, twice. But for the most part, I've used the tools I learned and leaned on my friends & family for help & support. I've gone to  AA, not every day, but every week. I've gone to all of my IOP sessions, as much as I hate them. I've avoided places & people who would harm my recovery. I've tried to not dwell on the negative and stay focused on the positive. I've recognized harmful thoughts and stopped them.

But today.....

The moment I woke up, it was bad. Do you ever wake up, but not fully, and your brain is already in shit-mode? I did. This morning, I was only half-awake....I wouldn't even call that state "wake".....I was essentially, asleep.  My brain was already going to not-good places. Work. What was that secret meeting about last night and why wasn't I invited? Is it because I'm an alcoholic? Am I going to be fired? If I get fired, that's it. I'm going on a bender. Which led to......That would be really dangerous. I'll have to check myself into Ma & Pa Kettle's Kastle of 'Kick-Your-Ass' and leave a note for my neighbor to check on the cats.  I can't be alone.

WTH?

I have not been fired. Nor do I truly think I will be fired. And I'm already making plans in case that happens?!? wth.

I think my problem is this:

1. I met with IOP dude last night. That's never good. I argued with him about how ridiculous it is to me that he says I shouldn't be upset about my privacy being violated.  What person, in their right mind, wouldn't be upset about that? So instead of arguing with him even more, I just shut up. And for the entire hour (50 minutes), I thought, "You are so full of shit". 
2. When I got home, I couldn't put down "Dry: A Memoir" by Augusten Burroughs. Best book I've read since getting out of treatment. It makes me laugh. It makes me cringe. I can relate to almost everything in his story, except his sexual orientation. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's a really good book and for all my friends just out of treatment and even for my normie friends, I highly recommend you read it. But it is a teensy bit depressing in the fact that I know exactly what he's saying. I know. I understand. I've been there. I'm there right now. I'm living it and reliving it through his story.
3. Fear. If even the tiniest thing doesn't go right....if I get a flat tire....if someone screws something up at work....if my day doesn't go just as planned, I may lose it and buy the first bottle of liquor I see. And I know if this happens, I will die.  Fear? Absolutely. I live with it daily.

I'm fighting back tears right now. My emotions are a jumbled mess.  I've told myself my thoughts about being fired are irrational. Irrational.  And even if it were to happen, it isn't the end of the world. It might actually be the best thing for me. If my day doesn't go just as planned, it isn't going to kill me.  It might bring something or someone new & fun into my life. I can easily fire IOP dude if he isn't working out for me and find someone new. These are things I am capable of handling. This isn't rocket science. It's not the end of the world. It isn't brain surgery. A monkey could do this.  And I am way more smarter than a monkey.

The Wall is a depressing stage to be in. It entails:

-Increased emotions
-Dissolution of structure
-Interpersonal conflict
-Behavioral drift
-Relapse justification
-Anhedonia/loss of motivation-Resistance to exercise
-Insomnia/low energy/fatigue
-Paranoia

From Hazelden's "Matrix Model":

From six weeks to four months after drugs and alcohol are stopped, a variety of annoying and troublesome symptoms may be experienced by many users. These symptoms are caused by the continuing healing process in the brain. They are experienced mostly as emotional or thinking difficulties. They are often subtle but it can affect the patient’s functioning. It is important to be aware that some of the feelings during this period are the result of brain chemistry, and if drugs and alcohol are avoided, they will pass. Most common are symptoms of depression, irritability, difficulty concentrating, low energy, and a general lack of enthusiasm. Relapse risk goes up during this period. Patients must focus on staying sober one day at a time. Exercise can help tremendously during this period. For most substance abusers, completing this phase of recovery is a major achievement. 

A MAJOR ACHIEVEMENT. 

I tend to think....."If I can just make it to Day 120, I'll be fine".  Day 120 is:

After 120 days, the brain has substantially recovered. Now the recovering person’s major job is developing a life that includes activities and fulfillment that support recovery. Although the difficult start-up of the recovery process is over, hard work is needed to improve and maintain the quality of life. 

Guess what? I'm still going to have difficulties after Day 120.  Life isn't going to be all rosy and pink, suddenly, when Day 120 hits.  "OH! It's Day 120 in your recovery? Welcome to the Land of Sunshine & Rainbows!"  Nope. Ain't gonna happen.  I do think a weight will be lifted off my back at Day 120, if I can make it there. "One Day At A Time" is the AA motto and that's where I'm at today.  Just get through this day without drinking.  Just this one day.

                                                                                                       

That's All....

Today I drove to DM & met up with two friends from treatment. We ate. We laughed. We shopped. We did not drink.  It was good to see them both, but the best part of the day was going into a little shop & seeing this card:



Outside of Card





Inside of Card



We went through every single card and read them all and laughed our asses off.  At the checkout, because I had to purchase a few, the clerk gave us this: 

It's the explanation of "That's All".  Visit http://www.thatsallgreetings.com/ for more info.  What an amazing gift these two women have given us, all from keeping positive in a cancer ward!  Why can I never think of things like this? I'll forever be an "after-the-fact" gal....

I also purchased "Dry: A Memoir" by Augusten Burroughs. I'm excited to read it and a little bit nervous at the same time. Hope it doesn't drive me to drink....

You Might Be An Alcoholic If.....

Today's reading @ AA was non-traditional. It was from Men's Health magazine. This month's magazine is featuring a "drinking" spread....I think it was called, "The Thinking Man's Drink".  I imagine it would be difficult for me to look forward to getting a magazine I ordered and in it is a 10-page spread on drinking.  I do not imagine that would be a good thing.  It's only saving grace was the last article on the last page of the spread. It was written by Augusten Burroughs, author of "Dry: A Memoir".  Sidenote: Cousin Emily, this is a memoir I would actually read... 

The article in the magazine listed 7 things that might mean you're an alcoholic. They were written humorously, though were entirely serious. I cannot remember all 7 and am kicking myself that I didn't write them down and may have to stop & purchase a Men's Health magazine (ripping out the other 9 drinking pages). 

Here's what I do remember and I remember them because, yes, they are funny, but also because I understand them completely.

1. Blackouts.  Did you know only alcoholics have blackouts?  I DID NOT.  I thought everyone who drank had blackouts....at least once.  Nope. Guess not. So blackouts are a pretty clear indication-- you're an alcoholic.  I've had several blackouts. Several. Even before I realized I was an alcoholic. Waking up not knowing why I'm naked and then realizing there's someone else in my bed.  Blackout. Checking out the window to make sure my car is parked straight, in its parking spot. Blackout. Why am I asleep on the couch? Blackout. What did I post on Facebook last night? Blackout. I do not remember that conversation whatsoever. Blackout. My blackouts happened so often, especially conversational-blackouts, that I would try to take notes during a phone conversation so I would remember.  The problem was, I couldn't read my drunk handwriting the next day.  Gave that up.....

2. Your friends are mortified you drink alone at home.  Yes. I couldn't realize at the time why drinking alone at home was so weird; why it wasn't normal. Non-alcoholics, social drinkers, do so not to get drunk, but to be around other people.  I was the opposite. I didn't want to be around anybody and I did want to get drunk.  I thought I was being responsible.  "Sorry, can't come to your party because 1. I know I'll get drunk, and 2. I'll have to drive home."  I was being responsible! 

3. First drink by the age of 12.  Well, mine wasn't until 14, but still....that isn't normal.  Apparently, there was a study done that said if a child drinks before the age of 13, it could trigger the addiction gene.  I'm not sure age really matters. I know someone who didn't have their first drink until the age of 40 and was addicted after the first sip, so age doesn't matter.  But to have my first drink at 14 and drink myself to oblivion that first time, was not normal. 

4. Everything is wrong and it's somebody else's fault.  You've lost your spouse. You've lost your job. You've lost your home. You've lost your car. Your dog died. Your children hate you.  But it isn't your fault.  It's theirs.  None of those relate to me, necessarily. I don't own a dog and I'll never have children. I haven't lost my job, my home or my car. But do I constantly mutter under my breath, "I'm surrounded by idiots"? Yes, yes I do. I may not outright blame other people for my problems. I'm pretty good at blaming & berating myself.  I tend to blame other people for my reaction to them & to situations.  Like, they caused me to feel anger. They caused me to feel anxiety. They caused me to feel fear. They caused me to feel sadness. Ridiculous. I'm working on that.

5. If you wonder whether or not you're an alcoholic, you probably are.  If you've had to test yourself, for example, "I'll quit for a month. If I can quit for a month, then 'it' doesn't have a hold on me".  Guess what? It does.  Normal, non-alcoholics do not have to 'test' themselves.  I tried to quit every single day. Every morning I would wake up and say, "I'm not going to drink today" and would have a million reasons not to.  Yet, by the time I got home, I'd have an 18-pack with me.  How did that happen? 

Alcoholic? Yes. 

Have It Your Way, My Ass.....

Tonight, I was sitting in my apartment, comfy in my pajama's, pondering what I was going to eat for supper. I was struck with such an intense need for Burger King Onion Rings that I actually put on "people" clothes, fluffed my stuck-to-the-side-of-my-head-from-an-earlier-nap hair, grabbed my keys and made my way to BK.  As I pulled up to the order screen, I noticed a sign that said, "Out of Onion Rings".  Are you F-ing kidding me? That's the only damn reason I put on people clothes & left the comfort of my apartment! 

Pissed. Yes.

I couldn't just drive away without ordering something, so I bought the California Whopper.  But I still wanted those damn onion rings. So I made my way to McDonald's. I hate McDonald's. I haven't eaten at a McDonald's in 20 years. TWENTY YEARS.  You know my desire for onion rings must have been pretty strong to have to go there.  Not only that, the drive-thru line was 10 cars long. I smoked an entire cigarette, sang 5 songs at the top of my lungs, and solved world peace by the time I got to the order box. 

Guess what? McDonald's doesn't have onion rings.  Maybe I should stop by more than once every 20 years and I would know that.

I pulled out of the drive-thru line. No way was I going to order something & continue to sit in that line- my leg was shaking from holding in the damn clutch- just to appease my politeness gene.

I left the McDonald's in tears. Tears. Because I couldn't get onion rings. I was crying over onion rings.

This is my life. This is what's wrong with me. I want something so badly and when I don't get it, I temporarily lose my mind. So, I just don't want anything. I stop wanting. I protect myself. I will not be stopping @ BK anytime soon. They've lost my business. I'm sure they're sad.

Needless to say, the California Whopper was delicious, but lacked the side order I so desparately wanted tonight.  At least I have a blueberry pie/ice cream to look forward to later.

"The chief reason for drinking is the desire to behave in a certain way, and to be able to blame it on alcohol." ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

I miss drinking.

At one of my Friday morning meetings, a woman said, "It's o.k. to miss drinking. It's o.k. to grieve for that loss. I cried for 2 months after I quit because I missed it so much!"

I thought she was on crack.

Who, on God's green earth, would miss drinking? That's crazy talk!

Well, then I'm crazy, because I do miss it.  I miss the taste of it. I miss the feel of it. I miss its companionship, its company, its entertainment. I miss being drunk and laughing at stupid shit on t.v. I miss hanging out with my brother & my friends on game night & laughing so hard, I'd cry. I don't laugh like that much these days. Nothing seems as funny. Everything seems dull. I seem dull. I'm lifeless. I can barely keep my brain active enough to carry on a conversation.  Huh? You said what? My brain seems not to be working. I can't even remember if I put deoderant on this morning! Am I wearing pants? Did I lock my door? Did I feed my cats before I left? Is the coffee pot still on? I can't remember.

But.....

At least my mouth doesn't taste like ass every morning. At least my head isn't pounding. At least my stomach isn't upset. At least I don't reek of booze. At least I can walk tall and not hang my head in shame. At least I can function at work again. At least I can carry on a sober conversation. I might not remember it later, but I'll know I was sober!

The important thing for me to remember is that it wasn't that good.  There were times, I hated the taste of beer. I would have to chug the first two and by number three, my tastebuds would be numb so I wouldn't have to taste it.  It wasn't a great companion, either. It was a lonely companion. And not a very helpful one, at that. I have rug burns on my knees from falling....trying to get off the couch to walk to the bathroom. It's a miracle I didn't crush a cat. I have weight I'm still trying to get off because of the amount of beer I drank daily. Entertainment? How about trying to carry on a conversation over the phone, while pretending not to be drunk?  Did I sound o.k.? Did I just slur my words? Am I making any sense? Worry, worry, worry. And game night? It was fun to a point, but most nights, I ended up alone, crying into my beer because I was so damn drunk.

Miss it, yes. O.K.  That's o.k.  It isn't crazy. Alcohol was my companion for a long, long time. Grieve. It's o.k.

But don't ever, ever forget the reality of the situation. 

"We may be different from the rest/ who decides the test/ of what is really best?" --We're a Couple of Misfits, Burl Ives

Do you ever feel like you're on the Island of Misfit Toys?

I do.

I'm the "Dolly for Sue" who looks perfectly normal but has psychological issues from being tossed aside & feeling unloved.

I wonder if "Dolly for Sue" is also a closet alcoholic. She hides behind King Moonracer's castle and chugs a fifth of vodka. Nobody questions her walking imbalance or slurred speech because, Hey, she's a misfit!

I'm an egotist with an inferiority complex.

Yet again my alarm went off this morning at 5:45 and I did not want to get out of bed. I needed to leave my apartment at 6:30 for my 7AM AA meeting. I hit snooze. I slept. The alarm went off again 10 minutes later. Again, I had the thought, "Just sleep some more....you don't need to go to this meeting...."  But then another voice said, "GO!" There may have been a "DAMMIT!" thrown in there for good measure, too.  And I did. I do go, dammit.  And again, I'm glad I did.  I don't want people wondering where I am, worrying about why I'm not there. I'm accountable to these people and it's a good thing (man, that sucks). I like these people and I think they actually like me, too (oh crap).  I actually want to see these people (wtf is up with that?) and there's no anxiety associated with that or wondering what the hell I'm going to talk with them about or "do I look o.k.-do I smell- am I dressed o.k." thoughts or "will they like me/have I annoyed them yet/will they truly listen to me" thoughts (hallelujah).  

Our discussion today was the 10th step: "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it."

I'm not on Step 10.  I've completed Step 1: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-- that our lives had become unmanageable."  Yep. Check. Did that. Step 2: "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity".  I have the feeling that I'll be on this step for eternity.  So I'm nowhere near Step 10 nor do I anticipate being at Step 10 any time soon. 

BUT.....

Even though I truly and strongly believe that each AA step should be done in order and there shouldn't be any jumping around, back & forth....there's a reason Bill W. numbered the steps and put them in the order they're in.....it's difficult not to take a personal inventory on a daily basis and I believe the "when we were wrong promptly admitted it" part is essential to day-to-day well-being.  Even now, at this early stage of my recovery. 

I hate admitting I'm wrong. I hate admitting I've behaved poorly. I hate admitting my failings to another human being.  Man, Steps 4 & 5 are really going to suck ass for me.

This morning, I admitted it.  I admitted it to the group and I admitted it to the person I had wronged two days ago.

I don't like being the person I am. My instant reaction to being 'wronged' is to get pissed & bitch about it to whoever will listen & then dwell on it for eternity.  I'm an egotist with an inferiority complex.  I believe I'm right.  I have all the answers. If only everybody did what I told them to do, the world would be a better place.  I'm the judge & jury. I'm the moral police.  I know what's right & wrong. Just ask me.  Yet, I'm afraid of failing. I think I'm a worthless dog turd. I don't think I'm pretty. I don't even think I'm worth looking at.  I am undeserving of anybody's 'care'. I don't think I'm all that smart. I'm certainly not funny. I'm annoying. I'm rude. Yet, I think, at least 50 times per day, "I'm surrounded by idiots". 

It's exhausting being this person.

I don't like being this person.  It took a lot of reflection over the last 24 hours to realize I wasn't pissed at the person-- I was fearful.  Anybody who was in my vicinity Wednesday afternoon would have thought I was pissed.  ANGER is my gut reaction.  ANGER is my safe reaction. ANGER protects me.  FEAR is the true emotion.  I was FEARFUL I would fail. I was FEARFUL that through my failing, others would realize I SUCK. God forbid anybody realize I'm not as perfect as I think I am. 

Isn't that last statement utterly ridiculous? Anybody who knows me knows I'm imperfect.  Yet, I still think they think I'm perfect. That I can figure anything out. That I can do anything. That I'm smart and capable. Ummmm, I almost drank myself to death and went to rehab for 28 days. Perfect, I am not.

While my "pissed" reaction was obviously wrong, it was my poor behavior of bitching about being 'wronged' that ate at me over the past 24 hours. I knew I needed to make amends, even if this person were to never find out what I said, I knew what I said and I knew my behavior was poor. 

I made my amends. 

But in the back of my mind, I thought, "Am I too proud of making my amends?"  Pride goeth before the fall, right? I'm glad I did it. I'm glad I apologized. I felt a weight lift off me as soon as I made the decision to have that conversation and felt even better afterward.  I'm not sure I feel proud, though. I feel like I have a long, hard road full of difficult, tearful, wrought-filled work to do....but I'm willing to take that damn road in order to stop reacting to outside forces in such a poor manner. 

I just want to like myself.  Is that too much to ask? Right now, apparently so....but the road is getting a little less bumpy. 

"Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely." -P. J. O'Rourke

I just need to say.....

It is such a good feeling to be able to do laundry in my apartment complex without.....

• worrying whether or not I'll fall down the stairs, or
• run into someone and have to carry on a conversation, drunk, or
• worrying about reeking of booze.

It's the little things.

Hobbes: "Do you think there is a God?" Calvin: "Well, somebody's out to get me!”

Preface: I don't know if I can blog about this. I don't know if I should blog about this. It's definitely putting a side of myself out there for all to see and judge. Opening up like this could, potentially, have repercussions. It could also help me in my recovery.  So screw all that and here goes.....

I did not do my spiritual assessment for my IOP dude. I was given the assignment last week and was supposed to have it completed for our session yesterday.

I didn't do it. I looked at it. I looked at it every single day. I even read through every single item on the assessment, every single day.  But I still didn't do it.

Why didn't I do it? Because of this.....

• "Do you believe in a Higher Power who impacts your life?"  Right now, I believe the weather and interaction w/ other people impact my life.  That's it. Even if I believed in God, I still wouldn't believe He impacts my life.
• "What do you call your Higher Power?"  Jim Flowers, the weatherman.

See? Not good. 

On the flip side, for the agnostics & atheists out there.....

• "Man is the highest power in the universe."  False. I believe we are the highest power on Earth, presently. I believe there is probably another planet with much higher powers on it, like Spock. These higher powers will probably consume their entire planet, fly to ours and take Earth over. Then they will be the highest powers on Earth.  
• "There is no higher power than man which impacts my life." False. See above. Weather.

I go through phases with God.  I've gone through these phases with God for as long as I can remember. If someone were to ask me about my faith today, I'd say "undecided", like it's a political election.  Are you voting for the elephant or the ass? Neither one looks real good at the moment.

I've questioned God, Jesus Christ, Christianity, religion, church all my life.  OK, maybe not all my life, but I can remember a time when my dad was my Sunday school teacher and I questioned him all the time. How can the Bible be true? Where is God? Where is Heaven? Is Satan real? I still have these same damn questions to this day and its 25 years later.  My previous pastor, Dave, would tell me to read Paul's letters to the Romans. Even then, Paul was conflicted. He would say, "Why do I do the things which I don't want to do?" The answer is sin, the savior is Jesus Christ. Ahhh, if only it were that easy.

At times, I'm deeply spiritual and faithful. Now is not that time.  Now I'm going through the other phase. The one where I think logically, rationally and scientifically.  Faith is out the window.

Why my conflict? Why can't I just accept the fact that right now, at this very moment in my life, I do not believe in God? Why can't I be o.k. with that? There are plenty of people on this planet who do not believe in God. They might believe in Buddha. They might believe in the Hindu gods. They might believe in Muhammad. They might believe in the little green aliens. They might believe in nothing and guess what? They haven't been struck by lightning!  The earth hasn't opened up and swallowed them down to Hell! So why? Why am I so conflicted? Well, let me tell ya.....

1.) I was raised in the church. Church, God, Jesus Christ and religion have been part of my life from Day 1. Tell me how I'm not supposed to feel conflict when I question my faith. and 2.) I work for a church.  Conflicted? Yes, slightly.  I believe in my job. I believe in the premise of the church (doing good works, etc). But ask me how many worship services I've attended in the last year. I can count them on one hand. Ask me how many times I've read the Bible in the last year. Ask me how many times I've prayed. Ask me how many times I've listened for God's Word. Ask me how many worship songs I've sang. Ask me how often I've "fellowshipped" with other Christians.  Ok, don't ask.....

So I turned in my incomplete homework assignment (for probably the first time in my life-- an incomplete homework assignment?!? GASP!) and expected a reprimand. I didn't get one. He seems entirely confident I will find my spirituality and faith as we progress through treatment.  I'm not as hopeful but willing to give it the 'ol college try! 

Let me ask you this: Why is it so important to have a higher power in order to stay sober? What is my higher power going to do to keep me sober? How is my higher power going to "restore my sanity"? How is turning over my life, my will (which is 'free', btw) to God going to help me stay sober? How is my higher power going to 'remove' all of my defects? I just don't get it.... 

The final step, Step 12, is "Having had a spiritual awakening....".  I'm not going to make it past Step 1 at this point.

"The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak." -Hans Hofmann

This is how I started my Friday. Not a bad way to start the day!

"I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings." -Jerry Seinfeld in The Gymnast



Oh happy day


Day 60 of sobriety. I'm supposed to be excited, right? To have reached this all-important milestone? In my mind, it's the old AA adage, "The more days you have sober, the closer you are to your next drink."  Ain't that the truth, brother?

I wish I could say that the more days I have sober, the easier it's become.
I wish I could say I'm good with everything.
I wish I could say I'm happy.
I wish I could say I'm healthy.
I wish I could say I don't have those thoughts anymore.
I wish I could say I don't want to drink.
I wish I could say I want this life.

When?  When am I going to feel "good"? I don't remember who said this-- I wish I could-- but someone, at some point in my life, said to me, "Striving for happiness is an adolescent goal".  Fine. Then I don't want happiness.  How about contentment? How about peace? How about security? How about just not feeling like I'm living someone else's life? How about just not feeling like I'm going through the motions and not really experiencing anything? How about that, huh?

My friend, Nick, has his own blog. http://thealcoholpaperswritten.wordpress.com/. Read it.  He articulates my feelings so much better than I do...and he's talking about himself.  His most recent post, The Box, explains it in a way I never could, but when I read his post this morning, I thought, "Holy shit. That's exactly right."  I'm in that box. I'm surrounded by 50 foot box walls of fear, anger, self-loathing, and want. I can see my tiny self in that huge box, straining my eyes upward to see "life" happening outside the box.  Work (Oh, there's Nancy!); Home (There goes Elvis!); Family (Finally! There are my brothers!); Friends (Laughing, enjoying life!); Random people throughout the day (How do they do it?!). 

Seriously, how do you do it? Is there some secret that everybody has kept from me for the 36 years of my life?

When I woke up this morning, I tried to remember what I ate for dinner last night.  I swear, I did this almost every single morning while I was drinking.  Did I eat last night? What did I eat? When did I eat? When did I finally go to bed? I'd have to go through my garbage to figure out what I'd eaten, if anything.  *sigh* So embarassing to admit.  But now-- now, I'm sober, dammit. I should easily be able to recall what I had for dinner the night before.  I couldn't.  And when I did finally recall, I couldn't remember actually eating it. It was like a dream, grasping my flighty memory as the image quickly passes by. 

I think an alien has invaded my body and "I'm" still in here, but I'm vague; I'm misty; I'm see-through. Someone else is living my life and it's uncomfortable. 

Let's put the tools I learned in rehab to the test.  What can I do to change this feeling?

• Exercise: Check. Thank God for pilates dvd.
• Mindfulness: Does staring blankly at the t.v. count? I don't think so. I have not been very mindful, obviously, if I can't even remember what I ate 8 hours ago. Sitting quiety, experiencing the sounds, feelings, smells, etc of that moment is something I need to take the time to do. 
• Opposite Action: Daily. Do you know how badly I want to sleep in? And I don't. I get my ass out of bed every morning, on time. Do you know how badly I want to drink? And I haven't. I call someone. I snap my rubberband. I talk to myself, often.
• Relapse Justification: Completely aware of this.  I tell myself, "I wasn't that bad", "What would it hurt?", "I wouldn't let it get as bad....this time", "Nobody would know".  I know I was that bad. I know it would hurt. I know that I can't control it. I know.  And that's what's important. I know.
• Choice:  Knowing what I know now, if I drank again, it would be my choice.  I don't want to be that person who chooses to go back to that life.  I have the tools and the support and the knowledge to know better.  I do not want to be a stupid person. 

I want the life I had during my 3 years of sobriety.  What was different then? Well, for one, I wasn't as fucked in the head as I am now.  I'm too absorbed in my own shit. What I remember from those 3 years is work: I had fun at work. I loved work. I miss that, terribly, and it effects a large part of my life.

It wasn't that I had a more active life, because I didn't. It wasn't that I had more friends, because I didn't. In fact, I had no friends. I was a hermit. But I was content, dammit.  And maybe I was more content with no life and no friends because I didn't have to worry about who I was or what I was doing or who I was effecting.  Now I have all these people in my life who I care about and want to make proud.

It's stressful.....caring. 

Women don't need the remote control...we have the actual control.

Bracelet Buddies



Shit Fuck!

This is so fucking hard.

It's so hard, I didn't even come up with a proper blog title.

If going to IOP dude makes me want to drink, is it such a good thing?

The craving is so strong, I can literally taste beer, no matter that I'm drinking Caf-free Diet Pepsi. I actually had to look at the can, closely, to make sure it wasn't beer. WTF?

I'm going to go cry in a corner. Sober.

Dammit.

Shit. Fuck.