Remember my earlier posts, back in October, November, December 2011, when my recovery was fresh; my cravings were stronger than The Hulk; I was desparate, terrified, and sure of failure; and I was filled with gratitude for Alcoholics Anonymous for saving my sure-to-be-drunk-ass?
I still somewhat believed in a god then. I don't now.
I've mentioned before, some months ago, when I first 'came out' as an atheist, how difficult AA is for someone like me. I've struggled with AA since that moment of realization that "I really don't believe in any god and honestly never have. I've just been living a lie all these years and can finally live in truth!" Yeah me! On one hand, it's a total relief to let go of that lie because it's a doozy. That's one big whopper of a lie-- to try to convince yourself of something you don't truly believe in and beat yourself up for not believing the lie. It's no wonder I drank. On the other hand, though, it sure does make AA much more difficult.
And now....now the obviousness of AA as a religious organization is too blatant to ignore. For all the "But we're not a religious organization! You don't have to believe in "God" or any god! You just have to believe in a Higher Power! That HP can be anything you want it to be!" Puh-leeeeze. That's bullshit & you know it and stop trying to pass it off. You just sound stupid. My sponsor pointed me to the Big Book section called, "We agnositcs". See, they can't even say, "We ATHEISTS". That chapter was the most useless thing I had read, to date, in that book. It's basically a, "You'll come around to OUR way of thinking, if you want to stay sober" chapter. AA doesn't threaten a person with eternal hellfire & brimstone like Christianity does. No, they threaten you with something worse. Relapse.
The judgment I feel from the die-hard AA men (it's almost always men) when I speak to my atheist beliefs & concerns hasn't been enough to drive me away from a meeting I have as much right as anybody else to attend. But it certainly doesn't make the meeting any fun.
I've been working on a writing about my conversion to atheism and hope to post it here soon, but in the meantime, I found this on Pharyngula's blog which brought hope to my dark, cynical, hardened heart. I am not alone...It also prompted this post, as you shall see if you take the time to read the link.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
"I take it to be a principle rule of life, not to be too much addicted to any one thing." -Terence
I've known I was an addict much longer than I've known I was an alcoholic. Seems contradictory, doesn't it?
I've known I have a very addictive personality for many, many years. I've known I was an alcoholic for 1. An addictive personality simply means I become easily dependent on things. I've smoked for 20 years and have no intention of stopping. In fact, the thought of stopping almost makes my own heart stop. I've drank Diet Pepsi for just as long. I won't give it up. I'll pay whatever price I have to pay in order to have both. I will forego every other luxury in my life to have those two things.
And that's ok? Simply because they're legal and they're not interfering with my functionality? How jacked up is that?
I've traded my alcohol addiction for a new one.
Damn you, Little Debbie, and your Boston Creme Rolls & Oatmeal Creme Pies!
It's so interesting to me that my behavior regarding Little Debbie's is almost identical to my behavior with alcohol. I wake up every morning and tell myself, "I will not eat 2 Creme Pies & a Boston Creme Roll today. If I only eat one, I'll be o.k." I eat all 3. I go to the grocery store and tell myself, "I will not buy any Little Debbie's today." Magically, somehow, 4 boxes of the damn things wind up in my cart. How did that happen?!?
I was exactly the same way with alcohol. I woke up every morning and swore I would not drink that day. I would go to the store and swear to myself, "I will not buy any booze today!" Inevitably, I'd be drunk by 9PM. How did that happen?!?
Since Friday, I've only eaten one meal per day. It's an experiment I'm doing on myself to see if it helps with my pain. I'm 2 days pain-free, so far. Whether or not that's by random chance or my experiment, who knows? My father says it takes a lot of determination to only eat one meal per day. I say, it's not so hard when the result is to be pain-free. Yet.....I was in a helluva lot of pain when I was drinking- physically & emotionally & intellectually. There wasn't anything I could do to stop drinking except 'go away' and be completely removed from it. I had no power over it. It had power over me. So how am I able to not eat at night? How am I able to open the fridge for another Diet Pepsi, see the damn Little Debbie's, and not eat the entire box?
I don't know, but Little Debbie's become the devil to me.
I've known I have a very addictive personality for many, many years. I've known I was an alcoholic for 1. An addictive personality simply means I become easily dependent on things. I've smoked for 20 years and have no intention of stopping. In fact, the thought of stopping almost makes my own heart stop. I've drank Diet Pepsi for just as long. I won't give it up. I'll pay whatever price I have to pay in order to have both. I will forego every other luxury in my life to have those two things.
And that's ok? Simply because they're legal and they're not interfering with my functionality? How jacked up is that?
I've traded my alcohol addiction for a new one.
It's so interesting to me that my behavior regarding Little Debbie's is almost identical to my behavior with alcohol. I wake up every morning and tell myself, "I will not eat 2 Creme Pies & a Boston Creme Roll today. If I only eat one, I'll be o.k." I eat all 3. I go to the grocery store and tell myself, "I will not buy any Little Debbie's today." Magically, somehow, 4 boxes of the damn things wind up in my cart. How did that happen?!?
I was exactly the same way with alcohol. I woke up every morning and swore I would not drink that day. I would go to the store and swear to myself, "I will not buy any booze today!" Inevitably, I'd be drunk by 9PM. How did that happen?!?
Since Friday, I've only eaten one meal per day. It's an experiment I'm doing on myself to see if it helps with my pain. I'm 2 days pain-free, so far. Whether or not that's by random chance or my experiment, who knows? My father says it takes a lot of determination to only eat one meal per day. I say, it's not so hard when the result is to be pain-free. Yet.....I was in a helluva lot of pain when I was drinking- physically & emotionally & intellectually. There wasn't anything I could do to stop drinking except 'go away' and be completely removed from it. I had no power over it. It had power over me. So how am I able to not eat at night? How am I able to open the fridge for another Diet Pepsi, see the damn Little Debbie's, and not eat the entire box?
I don't know, but Little Debbie's become the devil to me.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic.
It's been a rough week. Monday, I stayed home because the pain in my gut went on for hours...almost 6 to be exact. It's amazing, to me, how tired pain makes me. Why is that? Tuesday, more of the same, only it didn't go on as long and I made it into work. It was a 'mostly cloudy' kind of day, though. I met with my boss who asked how I was doing (nice of him, eh?) and then proceeded to ask me if I was still in therapy, how things were going, etc, etc. It made me feel like he thought I was drunk and that's why I didn't come into work. Not that I'm still dealing with the same pain I've been dealing with for the past 4 years and can't afford to find out what's wrong, if anything. Hell, maybe it's all psychosomatic, but if so, my brain is seriously more powerful than I give it credit for....to make something go on for 4 years? That's....well, crazy. Today, again pain hit this morning while I was driving to my meeting and my first thought was, "I've never passed out while driving. I can't pass out while driving. What would I do?" I didn't pass out and the pain slowly dissipated, as it does.
I understand, as a recovering alcoholic whose employer is aware of the situation, that I have lost that trust; that, of course he's going to think I'm drinking; that I would probably wonder the same thing about someone else. I know all of that, rationally. Emotionally, however, is a different story. Trust me, if I were drinking again, I wouldn't be at work at all. It'd interfere with my drinking. Wouldn't you think someone would know? I do. I think everybody would smell it on me, see my blood-shot eyes and shaky hands, and notice a change in my mood. Oh, wait, my mood is pretty shitty this week. Maybe that's because I've been in pain every damn day and feel like death warmed over!!
Let me just say this. No one, outside of myself, should be taking my inventory, especially my boss. Isn't this a great AA saying? It's basically, 'worry about your side of the street, I'll take care of mine'. That, especially, goes for other AA members. It's important that a person doesn't get invested in another's sobriety. I don't mean people don't care, but don't jeopardize your own for someone else's. I have no problem with this, but I know others who do and I don't get it....nor do I want it. I don't want anybody else taking my inventory. I do AA a bit differently than most others, and mostly because I don't believe in a 'higher power' called god. AA and all its talk of that has turned me off a bit. That - and the judgment/inventory-taking - I can live without.
I'm simply in a 'fuck you' mood and it's no surprise to me. It's inevitable that a person is going to have a bad day (or week, in this case). Just because I'm sober doesn't mean life is suddenly full of rainbows, lollipops and puppies. Shit still happens. A recovering alcoholic just has to find a different way to deal with said-shit.
I'm going to purchase a punching bag.
I understand, as a recovering alcoholic whose employer is aware of the situation, that I have lost that trust; that, of course he's going to think I'm drinking; that I would probably wonder the same thing about someone else. I know all of that, rationally. Emotionally, however, is a different story. Trust me, if I were drinking again, I wouldn't be at work at all. It'd interfere with my drinking. Wouldn't you think someone would know? I do. I think everybody would smell it on me, see my blood-shot eyes and shaky hands, and notice a change in my mood. Oh, wait, my mood is pretty shitty this week. Maybe that's because I've been in pain every damn day and feel like death warmed over!!
Let me just say this. No one, outside of myself, should be taking my inventory, especially my boss. Isn't this a great AA saying? It's basically, 'worry about your side of the street, I'll take care of mine'. That, especially, goes for other AA members. It's important that a person doesn't get invested in another's sobriety. I don't mean people don't care, but don't jeopardize your own for someone else's. I have no problem with this, but I know others who do and I don't get it....nor do I want it. I don't want anybody else taking my inventory. I do AA a bit differently than most others, and mostly because I don't believe in a 'higher power' called god. AA and all its talk of that has turned me off a bit. That - and the judgment/inventory-taking - I can live without.
I'm simply in a 'fuck you' mood and it's no surprise to me. It's inevitable that a person is going to have a bad day (or week, in this case). Just because I'm sober doesn't mean life is suddenly full of rainbows, lollipops and puppies. Shit still happens. A recovering alcoholic just has to find a different way to deal with said-shit.
I'm going to purchase a punching bag.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
"Happy 'Stay-In-Your-Robe-All-Damn-Day-If-You-Feel-Like-It' Day!" --Maxine
I was around alcohol today. I can't recall a time in the last 9 months when I've been in the same vicinity as alcohol (other than the damn grocery store, of course).
It was my niece's high school graduation party. That seems.....wrong.....somehow.
Back in the day, I would have been thrilled, THRILLED, to have alcohol at a family shin-dig, just because it's so unusual to occur at my family's functions and, let's face it, being with family can be stressful.
But not today. Today I was not thrilled.
I've said before, I have a good sniffer. It's a blessing....and a curse. I can smell the slightest change around me. Sometimes it's a good smell. Other times, not so much. Today a gentleman came over to speak to my dad and he brought his beer. And set it right next to me. I got up & went to the bathroom. The smell of the beer was enough to get my salivary glands going. I am Pavlov's Dog. Instead of a bell, I salivate at the smell of alcohol.
I watched other people carrying wine, mixed drinks, beers. It's like my eyes were on a tracking system and alcohol was the bull's eye. I don't think anybody but alcoholics have any clue what this is like. I am unable to be around alcohol. Plain & simple. I hope one day I'll be able to have dinner with a friend who has a glass of wine, but that's not going to happen any time soon. It's too seductive.
However, the party was fun and I currently feel no need to drink. It may be because, when I got home, I received this in the mail from my Aunt Hope:
It's like she just knows.....Not only is it pretty cool alone but Maxine talks! I can't wait to hear what she has to say tomorrow!!
It was my niece's high school graduation party. That seems.....wrong.....somehow.
Back in the day, I would have been thrilled, THRILLED, to have alcohol at a family shin-dig, just because it's so unusual to occur at my family's functions and, let's face it, being with family can be stressful.
But not today. Today I was not thrilled.
I've said before, I have a good sniffer. It's a blessing....and a curse. I can smell the slightest change around me. Sometimes it's a good smell. Other times, not so much. Today a gentleman came over to speak to my dad and he brought his beer. And set it right next to me. I got up & went to the bathroom. The smell of the beer was enough to get my salivary glands going. I am Pavlov's Dog. Instead of a bell, I salivate at the smell of alcohol.
I watched other people carrying wine, mixed drinks, beers. It's like my eyes were on a tracking system and alcohol was the bull's eye. I don't think anybody but alcoholics have any clue what this is like. I am unable to be around alcohol. Plain & simple. I hope one day I'll be able to have dinner with a friend who has a glass of wine, but that's not going to happen any time soon. It's too seductive.
However, the party was fun and I currently feel no need to drink. It may be because, when I got home, I received this in the mail from my Aunt Hope:
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”--Christopher Robin to Pooh, A.A. Milne
It's great to have friends like these....
Not only that, but we had a great lunch and pie for an afternoon snack....But....is this day over yet?
"Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?" ~Jerry Seinfeld
Date #1 with eligible bachelor #2. It's like I'm playing an on-line version of The Dating Game and while there's no Chuck Barris to make quipy comments, I can't make this shit up.
It's no wonder I have a headache after every 'date'. It really is a lot like a job interview except I'm much more confident and less judgmental during a job interview. And, of course, there isn't usually so much talk about drinking and parties and bonfires...with drinking. It makes me want to go drink! Of course, the feeling like..."This is the pool of single men I have to choose from? Surely not! Surely there's more! Oh, there's not? This is what I get? Shit." also makes me want to go drink.
I think Alcoholics Anonymous should start their own singles-dating-site. At least we'd all be on the same page about that one single thing from the get-go. This. This is like walking through a minefield. A minefield of drunken stories about drunken hook-ups. It's just flat-out depressing.
It's depressing that 1. I'm an alcoholic, 2. I can't drink like a normal person, 3. I want to drink like a normal person, 4. I'm surrounded by people who can and 5. It's everywhere I go.
It's also depressing that almost every single man I meet......has offspring. And the offspring aren't dogs or cats. And the one man I met who doesn't have offspring other than a cat, might possibly be a closet-gay. I have nothing wrong with gay-ness, but I do if you're trying to make people think you're straight. Or my gaydar is just off and maybe he just had effeminate qualities.
It's no wonder I have a headache after every 'date'. It really is a lot like a job interview except I'm much more confident and less judgmental during a job interview. And, of course, there isn't usually so much talk about drinking and parties and bonfires...with drinking. It makes me want to go drink! Of course, the feeling like..."This is the pool of single men I have to choose from? Surely not! Surely there's more! Oh, there's not? This is what I get? Shit." also makes me want to go drink.
I think Alcoholics Anonymous should start their own singles-dating-site. At least we'd all be on the same page about that one single thing from the get-go. This. This is like walking through a minefield. A minefield of drunken stories about drunken hook-ups. It's just flat-out depressing.
It's depressing that 1. I'm an alcoholic, 2. I can't drink like a normal person, 3. I want to drink like a normal person, 4. I'm surrounded by people who can and 5. It's everywhere I go.
It's also depressing that almost every single man I meet......has offspring. And the offspring aren't dogs or cats. And the one man I met who doesn't have offspring other than a cat, might possibly be a closet-gay. I have nothing wrong with gay-ness, but I do if you're trying to make people think you're straight. Or my gaydar is just off and maybe he just had effeminate qualities.
Either way, I went back on-line last night after my 'date' and tried again. I refuse to give up without a darn good fight.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
"My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away." ~ Jenny McCarthy
Just an update on my first date as a recovering alcoholic. The ice cream was delicious! The conversation wasn't bad either, except that I felt like I was in an intense therapy session for 1.5 hours and had a seriously horrible headache afterward. I wasn't prepared for all of the questions I'm not yet ready to answer and since I'm unprepared to answer those questions, it means I'm not ready to answer them for myself, yet, so I sure as hell aren't going to answer them for someone else, either. There was a lot of 'massaging the truth'.
I got through it and am looking forward to another 'meet' with a different person tomorrow night. This time it's a coffee shop....with ice cream! I see a theme occurring here.
I got through it and am looking forward to another 'meet' with a different person tomorrow night. This time it's a coffee shop....with ice cream! I see a theme occurring here.
Friday, May 4, 2012
"Online dating is just as murky and full of lemons as finding a used car in the classifieds. Once you learn the lingo, it's easier to spot the models with high mileage and no warranty." -Laurie Perry
I had a bit of a freak-out moment last night. I was almost in tears. Almost.
This on-line dating thing is fun....until you have to meet someone in person. What's a recovering alcoholic to do? I have to choose the place to meet. If it were left to him, we'd be in a bar. I have to somehow explain why I don't drink. I have to somehow explain why I can't even be around alcohol. And not only that, due to my lovely personality & lifestyle, I have to somehow explain why I've been on 2 (TWO!) dates in 6 (SIX!) years. Try making that sound like you're not crazy.
Why haven't I thought of responses to all of these questions? Why did I wait until they were actually asked to bumble through some sort of lame-ass answer? Why did I not recognize the fact that normal people can drink normal and would want a cocktail after work on a Friday? It's like I've been living in a bubble the last 9 months, and in a way I have.
I know I can't be in a bar. I know I can't be around alcohol. I know that about myself regardless of what other people 'think' they know. I. Know. So when I say, "I don't drink" what I should really say is, "I am seriously allergic to alcohol and can't even look at it without breaking out into slurs, random 80's dancing, and making out....and I'll probably end up dead".
Meeting someone new is terrifying enough. What the hell do I wear? Is he good looking? Will he think I am? What the hell are we going to talk about? I hope I don't squirt soda out my nose. But not only is meeting someone new terrifying, I have the added realization that I CAN'T DRINK. I can't drink to calm my nerves. I can't drink to become witty and charming. I just have to BE witty & charming. Plus, I also have the weight of "I've-never-dated-anybody-sober". How does a person do that, I wonder?
Needless to say, I have a 'date' (and I use that term loosely) tonight at Dairy Queen. Can't go wrong with ice cream, I say! Unless it makes me violently ill and I end up in the bathroom after my first bite. That could be bad. Hadn't thought of that.
This on-line dating thing is fun....until you have to meet someone in person. What's a recovering alcoholic to do? I have to choose the place to meet. If it were left to him, we'd be in a bar. I have to somehow explain why I don't drink. I have to somehow explain why I can't even be around alcohol. And not only that, due to my lovely personality & lifestyle, I have to somehow explain why I've been on 2 (TWO!) dates in 6 (SIX!) years. Try making that sound like you're not crazy.
Why haven't I thought of responses to all of these questions? Why did I wait until they were actually asked to bumble through some sort of lame-ass answer? Why did I not recognize the fact that normal people can drink normal and would want a cocktail after work on a Friday? It's like I've been living in a bubble the last 9 months, and in a way I have.
I know I can't be in a bar. I know I can't be around alcohol. I know that about myself regardless of what other people 'think' they know. I. Know. So when I say, "I don't drink" what I should really say is, "I am seriously allergic to alcohol and can't even look at it without breaking out into slurs, random 80's dancing, and making out....and I'll probably end up dead".
Meeting someone new is terrifying enough. What the hell do I wear? Is he good looking? Will he think I am? What the hell are we going to talk about? I hope I don't squirt soda out my nose. But not only is meeting someone new terrifying, I have the added realization that I CAN'T DRINK. I can't drink to calm my nerves. I can't drink to become witty and charming. I just have to BE witty & charming. Plus, I also have the weight of "I've-never-dated-anybody-sober". How does a person do that, I wonder?
Needless to say, I have a 'date' (and I use that term loosely) tonight at Dairy Queen. Can't go wrong with ice cream, I say! Unless it makes me violently ill and I end up in the bathroom after my first bite. That could be bad. Hadn't thought of that.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
What the hell have I done?
Reading the title, you probably thought I was going to say I had relapsed.
You'd be wrong.
I joined OKCupid, another on-line dating site. Dear Sweet, 8lb 6oz, Baby Jesus, what have I done?
My problem is, I'm not trying to be somebody I'm not. I'm honest and just answer the questions without trying to figure out how a man who might be interested in me would want me to answer. My self summary is this:
I also said, "You should message me if...."
I'm not holding my breath (I'd probably die within 15 minutes), but it was fun setting up my profile and answering their ridiculous questions. We'll see. At minimum, I'm sure I'll have some hilarious shit to share.
You'd be wrong.
I joined OKCupid, another on-line dating site. Dear Sweet, 8lb 6oz, Baby Jesus, what have I done?
My problem is, I'm not trying to be somebody I'm not. I'm honest and just answer the questions without trying to figure out how a man who might be interested in me would want me to answer. My self summary is this:
"Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?"-- Carrie Snow. OK, that was meant to be funny & if you didn't think it was, keep on truckin'.....Too blunt? Too on point? Offensive, even? Probably, but it makes me laugh and if it can't make a man laugh, then I don't want him.
I also said, "You should message me if...."
You're sane. You don't live in your parents basement. You're single. My standards seem pretty low.I think that's hilarious!
I'm not holding my breath (I'd probably die within 15 minutes), but it was fun setting up my profile and answering their ridiculous questions. We'll see. At minimum, I'm sure I'll have some hilarious shit to share.
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