"It's easy to start a few seeds indoors...even easier not to!" -Maxine

Spring has sprung....and my heat just turned on. *sigh* You know it's cold when my heat turns on! Even though my body is not looking like I want it to and none of my clothes fit anymore, I'm ready for shorts & tank tops. Yes. Me. The cold-weather-queen.

However, days like these - cloudy, windy, cold, rainy - allow me to actually relax. On those warm, sunny days, I have a lot of "should's" rolling around in my head. I should go weed. I should at least sit outside. So on days like these, those "should's" are shut-up.

I had a fleeting thought yesterday. It was fleeting because....well, you'll see. I thought, since I'm having such a hard time finding a job in this area with my skills, maybe I should go back to school. I figured I could do everything on-line. So I checked out Kaplan University.....and saw what tuition would cost. Yeah, that idea's out the window. Thus, fleeting. And what good would that do anyway? So I'd just have another degree and no job...and debt. No, not a good idea.

I just need to keep looking and pounce on any job remotely relating to my skills. Someone will want me eventually. I can't think about it too hard because when I do, I go down a dark, dark road. So I'll leave it at: I'm still hopeful.

The man and I broke up two months ago. He's still contacting me. Facebook, texts - he even invited me to lunch one day last week, his treat. I debated within myself a long time about that, but since he was buying and it involved food, I took him up on it. Part of me wishes I'd never responded to his initial contact after breaking up. I mean, when a person says, "Let's be friends", usually they don't mean it and it's just a polite let-down. I guess he took it literally. That's the problem with being nice - it comes back to bite you in the ass. I'd rather we each just move on with our lives...separately.

But....another part of me likes the attention. I'm flattered and confused by his attempts to stay in touch. Every woman likes to know they're wanted, but I'm always confused by the "why". Why would anybody want me? I'm always baffled by this and assume there's an ulterior motive. I still like the attention - just at arm's length.

I'm finishing up Joe Hill's "Heart Shaped Box". I'd say he ranks right up there with Stephen King and that's high praise coming from me. Stephen King is my all-time, without-a-doubt favorite author. Nobody can pull me into a story and scare me like him. Joe Hill comes darn close. I can tell you, I won't be buying any haunted-old-man-suits on-line anytime soon!

And since today's a gloomy, cuddle-with-Elvis-kind-of-day, I'm going to do just that. He's sitting on my computer desk, staring at me, wanting attention (& his treat) so I guess I'll acquiesce.

"Have you ever tried to imagine what a world would be like without men? I mean without smiling." -Maxine

Update: Either Mom's psychic or she read my blog. She showed up at my house with the mower & trimmer about an hour after this post. She mowed. I trimmed (barely, since there was hardly any string), picked up sticks, and pulled weeds. All it took was Mom showing up in my yard to get me outside to do some work. It felt good. Maybe one day I won't need external motivations to do yard work. Maybe. But I'll always need my mom (& dad)!

Original Post:
I'm not good at being indecisive. I'm also not good at leaving things undone. Thus, I'm feeling completely discombobulated this morning.

Dad had said on Friday afternoon, "Don't be surprised if I'm mowing tomorrow". Now, I feel somewhat better so I should be able to mow my own lawn, but he was the one who fertilized it this spring against my wishes, so I think he should have to mow it. LOL. That makes sense, right? No? Whose side are you on?!?

OK, OK, so I should have been the one to get the mower and trimmer on Saturday and mow my own damn lawn, but I didn't. I procrastinated, hoping someone else would mow it or it'd just miraculously stop growing and die. Neither of those things happened and after a certain point in the day, I'm just not going to do anything like that. Like, after dark.  Since it rained all day yesterday (yes! a reprieve!) I didn't have to concern myself with the lawn. I actually started wondering, "If I just keep my curtains closed and don't ever look at my lawn, does it matter that I don't mow it?" I'm sure someone would have something to say about that!

This morning dawned. I worked out. I stood in my dining room in my shorts & sports bra for 10 minutes. Just stood there, contemplating. Is it too wet to mow? Should I call Mom & ask? What if it isn't too wet to mow and I actually have to do it?  Ah hell.

Seriously. I stood there for I don't know how long, going back & forth in my head. I had two choices: take a bath and forget about mowing for the day even though today is really the only day to mow this week OR don't take a bath and mow the damn lawn.  I hate being indecisive. I finally threw my hands up in the air and called Mom....and got the third choice that's even worse: Wait. It's too wet to mow now, but it might dry up by Noon. Let's wait & see.

*sigh*

So here I sit, gross & skanky from my workout (surprisingly, I smell great!) in clothes ready to mow, waiting for the sun to come out and dry the ground, knowing - just knowing - it isn't going to happen and I probably won't even be able to mow today and I'll have sat around, gross and skanky, for hours and my grass will continue to grow all damn week and I probably won't be able to mow until Saturday, which is the worst day to mow because everybody's home and watching and AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

I hate mowing!

LOL - *eye roll* *head shake* - LOL

Ahhh, but that's not the only thing that needs done around here. I've got 7 rolls of insulation taking up space in my garage that need to be cut & stapled to the garage walls so my washer pipes won't freeze this winter. I'm skeptical that it's going to work but, whatever - the insulation's here and it needs to be hung to get it done! It's a project Dad & I started in March and have yet to get to roll number 2. Now, I've been debating (with myself) for about 2 weeks that I should just do it on my own. I mean, what's so hard about it? Lay out a board, cut the insulation, plug in the staple gun, climb up a ladder, staple the damn pieces to the wall.  *sigh* Sounds like a lot of work to me. It's so much easier with two people!

And it's so much easier to just lose myself in a book....

"I hugged a tree once. Hey, at my age you take what you can get!" -Maxine

I went to Big A today for two reasons. 1. Therapy, which went as well as could be expected, considering I don't have a helluva lot to talk about and 2. To buy a lawn/garden bag. Like this one:

Mom & Dad have two. I want one. I came home empty handed.

You know me - you know I don't get too excited about yard work or gardening, but I was excited to get this damn bag. It'd make picking up sticks, leaves and weeds so much easier. Right now I'm using a box for the sticks and plastic bags (so I can put them in the garbage) for the weeds/leaves. I make do. Like a redneck hillbilly. Pretty soon, I'll have a toilet in my front yard.

*sigh*

I hate going somewhere thinking I'm going to be leaving with the thing I went there for but leaving empty handed. I even stopped at Orschelin's with frozen food in my trunk to see if they had one. They didn't. There was one more place to check in town but my bladder wouldn't have been able to handle another stop.

I came home with a few bags of groceries and nothing exciting.

It's raining anyway - I guess yard work will just have to wait.

"I lost my shirt in the market this year. You should have seen the look on the bag boy's face!" -Maxine

I avoided Facebook yesterday. It wasn't hard to do. I did laundry in the morning. I went to Mom & Dad's for dinner. I took 100mg of Hydroxizine and took a long nap. I watched new episodes of my favorite Sunday night shows. I went to bed. Easy-peasy.

Why did I avoid Facebook yesterday? Because I knew it would be loaded with supernatural, mythical Christian prattle and I'm sick of it. I'm just about ready to unfriend 75% of my FB friends. I knew if I even had Facebook open yesterday, I'd post something anti-religious. I'd have to point out that "easter", like Christmas, is a pagan holiday that the Christians stole to make their own and increase followers. I probably would have posted something like, "Happy Eostre! Praise the goddess of fertility & sex!" I'd feel the need to try to open the eyes of the sheep who blindly believe the blather written in the bible. I'd have to ask people to NOT turn off the intelligent, logical, reasonable side of their brains that they have to turn off in order to make the bible, religion, Christianity "work".

*sigh*

I struggle with the Christian "holidays". I was raised in a Christian home (indoctrinated, brainwashed) so have only experienced those holidays as a "Christian". Usually, I can set my feelings & beliefs aside and just shut-the-hell-up. It isn't like our family holidays are soaked in religion. There might be a prayer. That's about it. So, usually it's easy for me to 'behave'. Not yesterday. Yesterday was a struggle all along. I woke up wanting to wake the world up! I studied Dan Barker's "Godless". I searched the internet for the 'true' meaning of Easter. I wondered what other atheists did on Christian holidays. Most of them celebrate the secular aspect of the holiday and leave religion where it should be - at the door. I wondered what I'd have to sit through at the folks'. Luckily it was a short prayer, but even that rubbed me wrong. And I was glad when yesterday was over.

At least there are only two 'high-holy-Christian-holidays' I have to sit through.

How many atheist books have Christians read? Most atheists I know have poured through the bible, dissecting it, trying to understand it - giving some form of religion (Islam, Christianity, etc) its due process and finding it lacking, finally admitting to themselves & others, they're agnostic/atheist. I ask you, Christian reader, to find a book written by an atheist about atheism, be it Dan Barker's "Godless" or Richard Dawkins' "The God Delusion" or Sam Harris' "The End of Faith" or Christopher Hitchens' "God is not Great" and give it its due process. I ask you to open your mind, fully, not deluding yourself, and study with open eyes what these men have to say. Your worldview might just change.

And that's the problem, isn't it? You, me, we have believed something for so long and based our lives on said teachings that to let go of that is somewhat scary. Not for me, granted, but I'd imagine it would be difficult for the very devout. Who's watching over us? Where do we go when we die? Whose teachings do I follow? What's my anchor???? Scary to have your worldview tipped on it axis. Invigorating for me. A whole world opened up for me when I finally allowed myself to admit: I don't believe in god and in fact, in light of the lack of evidence, I believe there is no god. Actually, it was pretty easy once I realized I didn't believe the bible. If you don't believe the bible, IMHO, the only so-called-evidence of divinity, then you're left with only the truth: there is no god and it was likely made up, like every other fairy tale and god throughout history.

Whew! I'm so glad I got all that off my chest! Oh, there's more, sure - but for now, this was enough for me to let go. I have no more fear that I'll post something on FB that'll piss off almost 100% of my "friends". That'd be something, wouldn't it? I wonder....could I someday be the only person on FB who has no friends? Ahhh, something to strive for!

Happy Spring, everyone!

"You know what they say...the early bird with a flashlight gets the eggs!" -Maxine

I "participated" (I use that term loosely) in the Fire Department's Annual Easter Egg Hunt this morning. And by participate, I mean mostly stood around trying not to feel out of place. What was I doing there? I don't have any children (thank the FSM!). I wasn't allowed to search for eggs and eat whatever treats were locked inside. I'm not on the Fire Department and not for lack of their recruitment strategy (soooo, you wanna?). Why was I there again?

Because my friend, Shan, asked me to help her write a grant for the event. Because Shan asked me if I wanted to help stuff Easter eggs. Because I made a promise to help out. I just do what Shan tells me to do.

I was full of anxiety all day yesterday and all morning today. I couldn't nap yesterday. Once I would fall asleep, I'd wake up in a panic two minutes later. I barely slept last night. I was wide awake early this morning. I considered bailing.

What is it about going somewhere that makes me so anxious?

Because I don't feel like I fit in......anywhere.

I'm not a very social person and apparently most people in this little hamlet aren't either. I don't walk up to people and start talking. Hell, most of the people, I don't even recognize or know. And nobody walks up to me and starts talking to me, either. I think they must sense my "bubble" and know they aren't allowed in. Or maybe they're as anxious as I am and don't know how to start a conversation with me. Or maybe they have no clue who I am. Or maybe....they just don't like me.

A lot of people in this town don't know who I am. I'm introduced as Mom & Dad's daughter or "this is the pastor's daughter". Once people realize whose offspring I am and who I am, I envision they get a look in their eye and think to themselves, "so that's the screwed up one", "that's the crazy one", "that's the alcoholic".  I pretend I'm perfect and have no clue why they're thinking that about me.  

I only lived here for 4-4.5 years. I went to school here seventh grade through 1/2-way through my junior year. I did move back to finish college and grad school, so tack on another 4 years. Gotta say - that time is a bit vague to me. I wonder why that is. I was probably drunk the whole time. Anyway, I left this little hamlet when I was 15 and moved to another town to finish high school. I'm not good at keeping friendships. Out of sight, out of mind kind-of-mentality. And I didn't necessarily leave on good terms. I'd gotten into a bit of trouble (to put it mildly) and needed a fresh start. Honestly, even though I hit some rough spots in the new town, it was probably the best thing for me. I graduated from the new school and went off to college with friends. I haven't seen any of them in years. See what I mean? Out of sight, out of mind.

I don't fit in with the class I graduated with, either. Or that town. While I am Facebook-friends with most of my graduating class, I haven't seen or spoken to most of them in years. I never felt like I was missing anything....until now.

Where do I belong? 

I don't belong there. I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere.

It's a bit disconcerting.  But have I ever belonged anywhere? I'm a bit of a nomad. I left here to go there. I left there to go to college. I left college to go to another college. I left home to go to the city. I left the city to come back home. And here, I shall stay.

So, regardless of feeling like I don't belong here or that I'm not accepted here....I am here. I'm here to stay. I guess I should start to learn people's names, huh?

"Every spring I like to show off my "back yard"...pressed against my front window, if you know what I mean!" -Maxine

Last night while watching Supernatural, waiting for 9 o'clock to roll around so I could watch Fargo, I killed a spider the size of a small mouse. In fact, when I first saw it scampering (crawling?) in front of my t.v. stand, I thought it was a small mouse. I glanced at Elvis & said, "what are you good for???" as he yawned and then sneezed in my face. I then thought, "It can't be a mouse - it's a cockroach" because it was so damn huge. (It was a bit dark in my living room.) As I picked up a shoe to smash the whatever-the-hell-it-was, I cringed, hoping it wasn't really a small mouse because then what happened next would be really, really disgusting. Whatever. Whatever it was had to go. So I brought down the hammer (shoe).  Stuff actually came out of the thing. *gag*  After doing my first of many 'heebie-jeebie' dances of the night, I got two (2) Kleenxes because one was not going to be enough to pick up this thing.

I'm pretty sure it was a spider.  I'm not willing to bet on it though.  I disintegrated the thing. Then I flushed it down the toilet just to make sure it wouldn't come back to life and crawl out of the garbage can and get me in my sleep.  Now I just had to worry about it crawling up out of the toilet and biting me on the ass.

I did 2 more 'heebie-jeebie' dances. I asked Elvis, "What the hell was that thing?" and he stared blankly back at me like I was crazy for even asking him.

It's not even summer yet!  How does an insect get that big?!? I am not feeding them! I'm not ready for summer and bugs.

Surprisingly, I slept as good as any other night (after I thoroughly checked my bedroom for bugs).

I feel good today. Not that I don't feel good every day (these days) but I especially feel good today. I've been keeping track of how many calories I eat in a day. It's amazing to me how many calories are in things, especially when they don't even fill me up! Yesterday I cut my calories in 1/2. Instead of 1100-1200 calories, I only ate 600. I went to bed hungry and with a headache, but it was worth it. I forgot - it's o.k. to feel hunger. There was a woman at the church who was obsessed with her weight. Obsessed. I always told her, "it's o.k. to be hungry" (& not stuff your face with crap, I said to myself).  I used to be able to eat an entire pizza in one sitting, along with a bowl of ice cream & peanut butter afterward. Not anymore. Those days are gone, I'm afraid. I thought last night, I'm getting pretty good at depriving myself of things I enjoy. I'm not sure that's a good thing. I still miss peanut butter M&M's. I'm really going to miss those days I could eat anything I wanted and not gain a pound.

So, I woke up today feeling proud of myself that I didn't cave last night and eat and eat and eat. It helps when there's good t.v. and an even better book to read. I got up this morning and did my workout which, I swear, is getting harder & harder. I thought it was supposed to get easier? Whatever. My legs & ass look good. Now to get my buddha belly under control. Even though I haven't lost any weight (still 119lbs) I feel thinner. I still have a gut the size of Buddha's that hangs over my jeans, but somehow, today, that's o.k. I know it'll get better if I just stick to it.

I removed all the plastic wrap from my windows and in so doing figured out why my south-facing living room curtain moved with the wind all winter. The top 1/2 of the window was down about an inch. How? I don't know. They're old windows and do what they want. I got it locked back into place and now the curtain isn't billowing in today's 30 mph south winds. Nice. I then went outside and deadheaded a plant that sat in my basement all winter (with no water). I'm hoping by putting it outside, it'll magically come back to life. I'm not holding my breath. That's the extent of my gardening - hope for magic.

I'll end this by saying, if you didn't watch Fargo last night on FX, you missed out. There are few television shows that make me laugh out loud, really laugh out loud, and last night Fargo surprised me by its dark wit. Granted, I cringed when the guy.....well, I don't want to spoil it for you. Watch it & see for yourself. If you're like me, you won't be disappointed.

"The price of gas is ridiculous. Unfortunately, the price of hiring men to carry me around on a throne is ridiculous, too." -Maxine

It's an uneventful day and an uneventful blog post, but I just had to share.....Elvis.

I'm trying to watch the movie, "Bolt". Cartoon about a dog who thinks he's a superhero. There's a cat named Mittens and some sort of gerbil-like creature in a roller-ball.  Elvis can't stop staring. I think he wants to join this merry-band of 'pets'.

It's a bit difficult to watch a movie when your cat is sitting smack in the middle of the television.

Only one other show has attracted Elvis' attention like "Bolt" has. A movie called "Snow Dogs". It was on my bedroom t.v. while I was sleeping. Needless to say, Elvis' meowing at the snow dogs woke me up.

I may have to change the channel.

"Does being 'artsy-crapsy' count as a hobby?" -Maxine

You'll be shocked to know - I did not eat all of the sweets I purchased yesterday!  Yeah for me! I did, however, eat one whole container of ice cream (with peanut butter, of course) and a king-size peanut butter Twix (not really a fan, surprisingly).  I found I actually missed grapes and apple sauce and Wheat Thins. Not that I'll pass up an opportunity to eat sweets!

Last night, just before I went to bed, I figured I better make an attempt at my therapy homework before my appointment Wednesday.  I needed to define my own core values. I could not do this on my own. I couldn't sit in my recliner with pen & paper and write down my values. I had to google, first, the definition of values and, second, a list of values.

I have 68.

I won't list them all out here for you. You probably know my own values better than I do. I can't find a common theme within my values - they're a bit all over the place - but I can tell you what's not there: anything to do with extroversion or helping people. Apparently I'm a not-outgoing-selfish woman. *eye roll* I knew that already.

So I typed up my 68 values and now I need to whittle them down to the Top 10, then the Top 5, until I finally get down to 1 core value. One. ONE! *sigh* I find this task to be impossible. I'm just proud of myself that I took the first step and identified 68 values that are important to me!

After doing that - after identifying those 68 - I then went back to various lists of values and thought, "OK, now what values do I think society thinks I should I have?" Obviously, I should value extroversion. I should value service. I should value cheerfulness (*eye roll*). I should value adventurousness. I should value ambition.

I don't. I don't value any of those things. I value them in other people. I mean, if we were all introverts, the world would be a boring place. If there weren't those with ambition, we'd never have Microsoft. If there weren't those who value adventurousness, the movie, "127 hours" never would have been made and we'd never see a guy cut off his own arm. I, seriously, could have gone my whole life without seeing that.

So, yes, I value those things in other people. I do not, however, value those things in myself. They're not "me". I'm not ambitious. I'm not adventurous. I'm not an extrovert. I'm like Jerry Seinfeld when it comes to service - "That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me." I know, I know. Horrible, aren't I?

No. No I'm not.

I need to embrace my values and be o.k. with who I am. It's when I think I need to be somebody else when problems occur. Or, at least, that's what my therapist would have me think. Honestly, I envision her looking at my list and saying, "Pschaw! These are all wrong!"

Am I ever going to get it right?

What makes one value more important than another? What makes truth-seeking more important than intuition? Or vice versa? I thought I'd gotten my list whittled down to 6: intelligence, independence, justice, simplicity, stability, strength. But looking at that short list in the light of day, I wonder, what makes those more important than achievement, fun, order, and tolerance?

She's just going to have to be happy with my list of 68. They're all important. Every last one of them. Even prudence.

"With age comes wisdom, huh? Apparently "wisdom" weighs about 40 pounds." -Maxine

Sunday's my "day off" from exercising and thinking about my weight. Pshaw. Like I ever stop thinking about my weight! But I've decided denying myself all the good-tasting food in life is counter-productive. You know what'll happen when I get to my ideal weight? I'll start to think "OK! Now I can eat!" and then I'll pig out on anything I can get my hands on and I'll be right back where I started. Right? So, I'm going to allow myself one day a week to eat sweets - and that day is today!

I may have gone a little overboard.

The clerk at Kum & Go looked at me like I was crazy. I told her it was my one day to eat. I'm going to have to restrain myself from eating my regular meals PLUS these sweets - I think the sweets will be my meals.

I'm sure I'm going to hate myself tomorrow. But that's tomorrow. Today is for pigging out on the sweets that I love. It's creating quite an internal conflict, let me tell ya. On the one hand, all I think about every day is eating sweets (I even dream about eating them!) but on the other hand, my fat-jeans are still too tight and my gut hangs over my jeans and I have fat rolls. I am not happy with myself & I am working very, very hard to lose this weight. I exercise and sweat my ass off every morning (except Sunday). I've refrained from any & all sweets for over two weeks and I've even cut down on my 'regular' meals. I'm telling myself I deserve one day a week to enjoy food. I just have to let the guilt go away.

I had an appointment with the med-check lady on Thursday. We upped the Hydroxizine from 25mg to 50mg. I still notice no difference. I even joked with her, "Are you giving me a placebo?" She swears she isn't. I'm beginning to wonder. I will say, I can drive. I can still read. So those are improvements. However, I still wake up in a panic, especially if I have to be somewhere, but even if I don't - I wake up in a panic. I can't nap during the day. I try. I really, really try. You know how much I love naps! But it takes me an hour to fall asleep and even then, I might only sleep for 5 minutes, then I wake up in a panic, sweating, heart racing. It's really not worth the effort.

I think reading has saved me from a lot. It takes my mind away from all the negative shit I usually dwell on - guilt, shame, embarrassment. Instead, I'm able to focus on the story instead of myself.

I wish I could read for a living.

DAD! "They say that now's the time to fertilize your lawn so it'll grow extra tall and thick this summer. Which is precisely why I won't be fertilizing my lawn." - Maxine

I love Maxine. She seems to say exactly what I'm thinking. While I am ready for warmer weather with no snow (chance of snow tomorrow night - geesh! what month is this?) I also dread summer. I hate mowing. I'm not a gardener. I despise bugs. I hate being hot. I do like a nice tan, though, and I'm not getting that sitting indoors because it's too cold, wet & windy to be outside. I guess summer's a compromise for me.

But that's not why I wanted to blog tonight. I'm just so excited because today I downloaded the second book of Justin Cronin's "The Passage" - "The Twelve" - from the library. I figured I'd have to wait weeks -WEEKS - for someone to return their copy but no - I just had to wait a few days. So I hurriedly finished the book I was reading, Lisa Gardner's "The Next Accident", which was really good, by the way, and then jumped into "The Twelve". I'm hooked. I don't think I moved an inch in my chair for an hour. When I did finally get up, my legs didn't want to work. I have a headache. My eyes hurt. I think I need to blink more. Needless to say, I'll be busy reading it for the next few days.

Though I'll have to interrupt my reading tomorrow to go to see the med-check lady. I'm still on the hydroxizine. I haven't experienced any side effects. I don't think I'm experiencing anything, really. I'm supposed to take it 3X's a day - morning, noon, night - but have been forgetting to take the noon pill so have been doubling-up on my evening dose. Still noticing no difference. I'm still sleeping good at night, thank the FSM. I still feel good. But I feel like I'm taking a placebo instead of an actual medicine. I wonder if they do that? Tell you they're giving you a drug to help you but really just give you a sugar pill and wait to see if, psychologically, you convince yourself you're feeling better because - Hey! You must be! You're on a pill!

*head shake*

I'm pretty sure they can't legally do that. But ya gotta wonder....

So we'll see what she has to say about all that tomorrow morning. I have errands to run (gas, groceries) and then I'll be back home, listening to the rain, cuddled up with a great book.

As long as I remember to charge the Kindle....

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you better have a good look at your insurance policy." -Maxine

I've been thinking a lot about who I am now and my 'ideal' self. Unfortunately, my 'ideal' self isn't really MY ideal self but what I perceive society expects me to be. There's my problem right there, in a nut shell. I'm trying to be what I think I should be; not what I want to be.

Here's a simple example. I think I should be a runner. I see people running everywhere - outside, t.v. shows, movies, BOOKS, even! I know a lot of people who run - for fun! *eye roll* Now, I despise running. Always have. Always will. I'm not good at it. The only reason I've ever run is because I've had to - in high school gym and for the police exam. I don't ever want to run again. Ever. I'm afraid I'll die of a heart attack if I do. Then I'll be one of those "healthy" people who collapse while exercising. How stupid is that? So, no, I will not be a runner. But I think I should be....and there's the conundrum.

I also think society wants me to have long hair, as apparently every woman on the planet should have. I will never have long hair again. Conundrum.

I'm not sure what my ideal self is! I know what I think 'society' wants me to be. That's easy. I should be a productive, hard-working, working, outgoing, compassionate, sympathetic, caring, loving, fun, funny, cute, sexy, extroverted woman who gardens. I should stuff my day full of shit to do and run around like a chicken with its head cut off. I should be so busy, I don't have time to talk. Hell, I should want to talk. I should not have time to read a whole book in one day. I should be up at the crack of dawn (to run, of course) and then not go to bed until Midnight because I'm so busy. I should not be comfortable staying home all day, not talking to a single soul. That's just.....boring.....and wrong!

Well then I'm boring & wrong.

Let me think about my ideal self - she is funny (b/c let's face it - I already am & I can't shut that off); she's comfortable in her own skin but doesn't stop trying to improve said skin (I'm down from 123 to 119lbs! but I'm still not comfortable with who I am); she's not anxious about anything - she fears nothing; she's confident; she's fun & interesting to be around; she's smart; she can kick your ass; she loves what she does & does what she loves (& what is that, exactly?); ........

And then I get stuck. I was going to say, "she has a ton of friends and an active social life" but is that really my ideal self? No! Emphatically NO. I couldn't handle a ton of friends. And an active social life? Nope. Not me. If I were honest about it, I'd say "she has a few close friends and her social life comes from books...and food. Definitely food." If people took me out to eat more often, I'd have a thriving social life. LOL.

So, I can see where my therapist would want me to "stop with the should's", i.e. stop trying to be what I think society wants me to be, because I will inevitably fail because my true self, my ideal self is not real close to what I think society wants me to be.  And figure out who I really am & who I want to be.

This shit is hard.

I think I need someone to tell me it's o.k. to be who I really am. That I'm o.k. as I am and I don't have to try to be someone I'm not. I need someone to say, "it's o.k. to be an introvert! It's o.k. to not want to talk to anyone. It's o.k. to be happy with your own company. It's o.k. to spend your time reading and not running."  I don't think anybody will tell me it's o.k. to not want to talk to anyone. I don't think anybody thinks it's o.k. to stay indoors all day, reading.

And there's the rub.

This is simply depressing. I'm going to go read.