"Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!" -July in the movie Annie

It's been a rough week. Rougher, certainly, than I anticipated. Am I surprised, though? Hell no. Anybody in my position would crack at some point after carrying this enormous weight for such a long time. I'm only surprised I could carry it for so long without cracking.

However, the crack did happen. It was a fissure. Reminded me of two tetonic plates sliding against each other, constantly grinding rock against rock and eventually-- somethings gotta give. It wasn't Mount Vesuvius. I didn't spew fiery, molten lava or anything, though I did shed a few tears. And now I'm just a hard crust.

It started Monday. No, it actually started Sunday with me taking the brunt of the hits. Then Monday rolled around and another hit came. That was the straw. Camel? Back? Couldn't hold it. I actually had the thought Monday, "I need a meeting".  Did I go to one? Hell no, but I did think about it. Come on....go outside my comfort zone? I don't think so! Who do you think I am? Then Tuesday appeared and Starbucks faked me out by making my decaf Pumpkin Spice Latte CAFFEINATED.  Bastards. Me & caffeine do not mix. At all. I was funky all day long and still upset about numerous things and I just didn't want to do this anymore.

I didn't want to do this anymore. This. Life.

Danger Will Robinson! Danger!

Before I left work, I called friends. I talked. I laughed. I tried not to cry. I couldn't just go home when 'going home' meant passing numerous gas stations and grocery stores where purchasing alcohol is just too damn easy. I should consider having "ALCOHOLIC" tattooed across my forehead. Would that stop a clerk from selling me booze? I doubt it. Anything for a buck.

I didn't just go home. I went for yogurt with a friend. I continued to try not to cry. On my actual way home, I called another alcoholic. "Just get me past this damn Kum & Go and I'll be fine".  Really? That's all it takes? No, no it doesn't. It takes a whole freaking village to make this idiot o.k.

Once home, I just stood in my dining room, staring at the floor while Dale bit my feet and Elvis stared at me. There was a pretty flacid (yes, flacid) debate going on in my head. It wasn't much of one.

Should I? Shouldn't I? I can't abandon these damn cats but I'll read about this and see what the side effects are. Maybe it will be soothing. I need soothed. I just want to drift off to some dark, empty world. Well, it sounds soothing but is it really or will I just make myself violently ill? I don't like being violently ill. That's certainly not soothing.

Shut this shit down and go put your pajama's on. You just need sleep.  And more talk with more friends.

I'll be damned (interesting phrase, isn't it? I think I've been damned and continue to be damned, so how does this phrase really have any meaning in my context?) But....I'll be damned if I'm going to have this kind of reaction because of evil, horrible, un-Christ-like asshats and bitches. Karma's a bitch, baby, and they'll get what they deserve.

Stick around and see what happens.....

A new day dawned......and I'm still here and I'm still sober, thank the FSM.

Wednesday wasn't a better day. In fact, it was infinitely worse. However, I had finally cracked and just laughed at the insanity and ridiculousness of everything.

WAMH

Next tattoo?

Can you see, just by reading this short blog, how sick & demented my brain is? It's fitting, then, that 'we're all mad here' is my new motto.

After the madness of this short week, I find myself in a place of anxiety-filled-terror, deep thoughts of sadness and fear, bouts of laughter w/ friends (& the t.v.) and random moments of calm. Crazy people never ask themselves if they're crazy. Only sane people do that. Am I crazy? Absolutely. WAMH.



“People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.” -Dave Barry

I just mentioned in an email to a friend how much I missed getting together for drinks. I used to be fun. I don't know what happened to that person. Just because I'm not drinking anymore, does that mean 'fun-me' went away? I guess so.

I used to host game night. My brother and friends would come over. My brother & I would drink plentious amounts of beer. We'd all laugh our asses off. I don't do that anymore. I'm too damn tired to laugh.

I used to go over to friends houses or meet them at the bar and we'd spend all night catching up, complaining about work, gossiping about horrible people, and making fun of those around us.

I don't do that anymore either...and for others, it's probably a good thing. I could get pretty evil. But fun-evil, ya know?

I miss having fun, yet fun without booze confuses me. How does it happen?

*Update* I do not, however, miss being a falling-down-drunk-crying-mouth-tastes-like-ass-worthless bitch.

"People who work in accounting departments often work 12 hour days creating reports that nobody cares about. This gives them a very bad attitude. Do not attempt humor around them." - Dilbert

Oh, I have so much I want to blog about. So, so much. Yet I refrain from doing so because I don't want to hear people's unsolicited advice. I hate unsolicited advice. Can't a person just vent anymore? I think that's why I love blogging so much. I can vent & vent & vent and not have to hear all of (your) thoughts on the matter. Especially since so few of you ever comment. :) 

I hate, after sharing something personal with someone, we're suddenly talking about them. Wait. What just happened here? I thought we were on me. Now we're on you? How did that happen? Oh, my thing is so insignificant, we just gloss over it like it's no big deal? I want to go back to my thing. Let's talk about me, just for one teeny-tiny, itty-bitty split second. Can you spare that?  And no, I don't want to hear how you or your family member or your cousin's neighbor or your neighbor's pastor's dog went through this same thing and it was no big deal. Really. I could care less. This is me. This is my thing. Fuck all those people and the damn dog. Let me dwell in this land for a little bit. Let me feel this. Allow me that much at least.

Or I refrain blogging about specifics out of a sense of duty. Or some warped sense of loyalty. Or simply to save my own ass from reprimand or knowing that what I think is just plain wrong.

I continue to float here in limbo-land. I think the Catholic's call it purgatory. I don't think there's a hell. If there is, this must be it. I hate limbo. I don't like leaving things unresolved. I need completeness in my life. I need a list of things to do so I can check them off at the end of the day and feel good about accomplishing something. Anything. Limbo doesn't allow me to check things off. They just keep getting passed from one day to the next. On & on & on.

And the not knowing.  This is how people go crazy. Just not knowing.  There's something hanging over my head -- actually 2 somethings -- no, wait, actually 3 somethings -- ah, nope, 10 -- and I simply have to wait.  I feel like I've been waiting forever. I thought I could handle it. I thought it wouldn't be a big deal. Yet, as the wait continues, my patience wears thin. It's so thin, I can see through it. It's practically invisible. *Poof* Patience is gone.

Maybe I'm simply having a bad day. I'm tired. I'm sick of pondering the possibilities. I want resolution already! I'm ready to move on to the next thing...whether it be good or bad...I don't even care! Let's just MOVE!

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.- Homer Simpson

I had a pre-job-interview this morning. I was excited about it. Hopeful. On my way home, I lost that hope.

I was fired from a job less than 10 years ago. It lingers. It never goes away. It hurts. I'd like nothing more than to learn from it and forget it. That's impossible when applying for a new job. Applications and interviews don't allow you to forget it. It seriously hinders a person's chance to promote themselves.

I was feeling pretty hopeless on my way home and had a bit of a "Fuck it" attitude. I pulled into the Kum & Go near my home and bought.....

Just now I realized what I could have bought. Just now. Not before I pulled into the parking lot @ Kum & Go. Not as I was walking into the store. Not even when I was standing in the store choosing the largest candy-bars they offer.  Not even then. Not once did it even cross my mind to buy booze.  That brings tears to my eyes.

I'm not sure the candy bars are any better....though they won't alter my mind.

As I was waiting in line to buy my arm-load of candy-bars with the full intention of eating every single one in one sitting, I saw this.....

Even though it is in the shape of a heart, which I find incredibly annoying, the message is clear.