"If everywhere you go there's a problem....guess what?"

First off, I'm pretty sure I'm not the problem, but I will say this:  My true colors are starting to show at work.  My happy, smiley, relaxed, jovial, funny, centered fake-self is slipping.  That's what happens when you try to cram a 16 hour day into 8 hours.  It just doesn't work and the facade slips.  Get ready, bitches, 'cause the real Amy is about to show herself and she ain't pretty!

But enough about work because, let's face it, work is going to suck pretty much no matter what.

So how about this?

I killed (slaughtered, really) two innocent (suicidal?) bunnies this morning on my way to work.  TWO.  In two separate incidents.  It wasn't like I killed a mama bunny and her little offspring.  No.  I killed a full-grown rabbit and then about 7 miles later, killed another.  I'm a bunny killer.  After the first one, I cussed and cussed and cussed and felt just awful....but after the second one, I thought, "Oh shit, this cannot be a good omen for the day".  Don't we have a deal with rodents, like we do with birds?  They get out of our way and we look the other way when they shit on a statue or eat our carrots or dig up our yard looking for nuts.  Isn't that the deal?  Well, guess what?  Bet's off!

And not only that, a woman I frequently see for work told me that means two people I know are pregnant.

Fuckin' shit.

I almost passed out in her office, laughing so hard, and said, "Well one of them better NOT be me!"  (She's unaware of my little surgery...) To which she replied, "You know what that means, right? TWINS!"  Holy hell.  Bitches, if I'm pregnant, my doctor and I are going to have words.  So. Many. Words.

Speaking of (not pregnancy, but how a person gets pregnant), I've met a decent, attractive, smart, funny, great kissing man from OKC.  Is that possible?  Unfortunately, he lives almost 2 hours away.  Fortunately, he likes to drive, so here's hoping he's planning to make frequent trips to my little hamlet.

And while I had a raging headache after work and was hungry as hell and all I wanted to do was cry out of frustration, I worked out.  Because, as all of you are aware, if I don't, then someone's going to get hurt....and it's usually me.  Gotta keep those endorphins firing and releasing my pent up frustration from the day somehow.  Might as well go sweat my ass off and punch a bag.

"I don't have the energy to pretend I like you today."

*sigh*

I almost stayed home today. Almost. I don't know what made me go into work.  I'm square. Two weeks after being square already this month and I'm square again.  WTH? And it's a doozy.

And all the work I (we) did this weekend....man, good thing I'm in shape because I could barely move Sunday morning and I am in shape.  Can you imagine if I wasn't?  I wouldn't have gotten out of bed all day Sunday and then I wouldn't have mowed and I would have had to do it tonight and that would have just pissed me off even more.

I've had a raging headache all day that even Advil didn't touch.

But, you know what? Regardless of all that, I still worked out after work.  And do you know why?  Because if there was ever a week to keep my endorphins flowing, it's this week.

We had a whole staff meeting (which means 6 people....Six.  A whopping 6.) about our receptionist/tax person leaving and I guarantee the look on my face during that whole meeting was "Fuck you. And fuck you. And fuck you, too.  And you there - fuck off.  And a fine fuck you to you, too." because I'm going to be doing the work of two people and guess what? I'm just one person.

This situation feels very familiar.  I should probably just check myself into the hospital right now.  In fact, I joked, when one of the attorneys said to someone else, "We just told Amy she's the whole staff." I replied, "So yeah, I'm heading out now to check myself into the hospital.  I'll see you next week." to which they all laughed heartily.

They thought I was kidding, apparently.

I was....I think.

I've never, in all my 40 years, asked for a raise.  I'd say it's about damn time I do.  Guess I better google how to go about doing that.

Oh, and not only that!  This isn't even work related, but about my body, which I think is rebelling against me.  Last Monday I woke up with a pimple on the inside of my thigh.  A pimple.  Don't even ask.  I laughed about it....until it grew and grew and grew and I realized it wasn't a pimple.  It was a goddamn hidradenitis supportiva growth.  I've never had one on my actual thigh before. Never.  It does not bode well for my future.  I forced it to let loose on Friday morning in the shower because it was so damn close and I didn't want to walk around all day wondering if I was going to have blood and pus running down my damn leg.  Plus, I was going to the doctor that morning to get my 2 week check-up (all is fine & dandy!) so wanted it bandaged when I went to see him.  He didn't even make it that far south.  He was only concerned with the incisions.  I'm more concerned with....can I get an x-ray of proof that you did what you said you did?  Because testing out my sterility with a man's sperm seems kind of dangerous.  Like, what if I do actually get pregnant? By some douchebag I never want to see again?  Now that would be bad.

So....yeah.....Square. Boils. Tired as hell. Headache. Sore. In a general pissed off mood. And work, work & more work.  For which I'm not getting paid a dime more.....yet.  That's soon to change, I guaran-fucking-tee it.

Here's pics of the work Dad, Ben, Misty and I did this weekend @ Ben's house:

Break time

Ben & Dad correcting a mistake

Ben, me, Misty - we're on the level

The whole crew after a hard day's work

I hate taking selfies, btw. Hate. It.

"There's only so much insanity you can blame on a full moon. The rest is just everyday batshit crazy people being themselves."

Is it a full moon?  Or is it just a regular Tuesday and shit just happens?

Found out today the fun, funny, nice, normal attorney has resigned from the firm.  Pretty much effective immediately.

*sigh*

And then, as I was leaving work, I asked the receptionist if one of the other staff members who is awfully close to this particular attorney would also leave and her response was, "No, she's not leaving" to which I said, "Oh shit, but you are!"  And I was right.  So not only are we losing a fantastic (eye roll) attorney, I'm also losing one of the women I can tolerate on a daily basis.

It's like rats on a sinking ship.  Or the Titanic.  Or like Salem UMC not too long ago.

Is it me? Did I do something wrong?

I would be horrible as a child of divorce because no matter what the parents would tell me, I'd still blame myself.  Thank goodness that didn't happen because I'm fucked up enough as it is!

AND THEN....

My brother called and asked if I was free this weekend because he's had it with his neighbors and he's putting up a goddamn fence.  Apparently, he was outside in his yard trimming trees along his house and the psychotic, disgusting neighbor woman came roaring up in her truck and started going batshit crazy on him.

I said, "Did you just laugh at her?"  Because that's totally what I see him doing.  He said he just walked inside and was like, "What the hell just happened?"

So guess what? (We are very similar, he & I, because we're both so spiteful.)  He's calling the city tomorrow to get a permit and he's calling a tree guy to cut down HIS trees because fuck her...she doesn't deserve any of his shade.

I love my brother.

I told him I'm down with whatever he wants to do.  Let's rumble.  But take a deep breath, find your center and just laugh because crazy is everywhere.

*sigh*

I had just gotten myself worn out and calmed down after punching my bag and then my brother called and got me all worked up again.  I cannot go punch my bag anymore.  My arms won't even raise and either I've got a hernia or I pulled something in my groin or I damaged the post-surgery nip/tuck.  Guess I'll find out Friday at my 2 week check up.  *eye roll*  Only I could cause injury to myself during a workout, I swear.

On what you would think would be a good note, one of the other attorneys invited me to an employee appreciation luncheon today.  Granted, I was only invited because I'm the newbie and she does this for all the newbies, but still, I appreciate it.  A free lunch. Can't go wrong there, right?  Yeeeeeaaaaahhhhhh.  Other members had brought their appreciated staff with them and so when they were going around introducing the staff person they brought, they all said such wonderful glowing appreciative things about that person.  When it was my boss' turn, I got, "This is Amy Kruuuuuuger.  She's new. She answers the phones."

I swear, that was it.

But wait! That's not even the best part!!  Guess what the presentation was about?  EMPLOYEE APPRECIATION and how to do it.  I should have taken notes and passed them over to my boss as we left.
Jesus.  It's no wonder everyone's leaving.

"You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo."

Oh belly button! How I've missed you!

Look at my cute little belly button!  The two surgical bandages finally came off today....and with only a little help!  Now if only the other ones would loosen up a bit more, I'd be almost completely healed. 

Granted, I'm not doing any sit-ups or crunches, yet, but I will be soon!  Hallelujah!

"This too shall pass (like a kidney stone)."

Nah, it's really not that bad.  Is it normal for my skin to feel like it's on fire? I'm sure it is.

I practically leapt out of bed this morning, mostly because it's Saturday and I don't have to go to the office, but partly because I wanted to get a lot done today....and I did!  I really, really did.

I raked mulch, laid down weed mat & cardboard and put the mulch back in place.  I weeded & sprayed RoundUp all around.  I did two loads of laundry.  I cleaned both bathrooms - since I'm using both on a regular basis...cannot wait to take a bath again! Shaving in the shower is HARD!  I cleaned Garfield AND her litter box.  And look below:

Hung the star awhile ago, but today, I hung the two pink decorations. Love!

 And while I had absolutely nothing to do with this, I had to take a picture to show you:

Holy crap, those blooms are huge! LOVE!

All in all, a very productive day and I'm not oozing blood from any of my wounds - though how would I know, really, since the surgical tape is still (mostly) in place?  Which, btw, they told me to leave on as long as possible and that it would come off on its own.  Good thing because I have a feeling, it would hurt like a bitch to rip it off.  I feel a bit of burning - don't know what the hell that is - but considering I had surgery a week ago, this is progress.  I'm almost back to normal and so is my weight.  I weighed 119 on Friday morning.  Tuesday, I weighed 129.  10 freaking pounds!  But, I'm almost back to 120 and hoping to be able to workout soon, so that'll take care of that.  Geez, who knew?  I'm not in pants yet (dresses all week @ work)....but no, wait, I take that back.  I have leggings on today (leggings are not pants, people!) and maybe that's why my skin is burning....

Ah well, who cares.  I'm healing nicely and I feel great and lunch is ready!

"Hell hath no fury like me when I'm slightly inconvenienced and hungry."

Day 2 is certainly better than Day 1.

Day 1, I was worried "this is how I'm going to pee from now on? Aargh!"  But no, that passed and in a good way.  Day 1, my throat hurt so bad, I figured they must have really jabbed that breathing tube in there good, but at least I still have all my teeth.  I drank, oh, I don't know, 100 gallons of water yesterday (which made the lack of peeing really fun!) and was still dying of thirst and dry and in pain.  I think they do that to distract a person from the pain that should be felt...from, ya know, surgery.

I woke up this morning feeling the same as yesterday - entirely too bloated, gas pain from them blowing me up rising to my shoulders, still not peeing right, throat still way too dry...but then I took a mid-morning nap and woke up around 12:30 and realized, Hey! I'm peeing somewhat normal!  And my throat isn't killing me!

So, progress.

Now my bandages are chafing me and I cannot wait to take them off, though I dread to see what's underneath and I'm pretty sure the pain from removing the bandages is going to make me pass out.  I'm supposed to take them off after 48 hours.  I'm thinking more like 42 because I'm taking them off tomorrow morning and showering, even though I'm not supposed to shower until day 3, but I'm a rebel....and sponge baths are for babies and the elderly, of which, I am neither.

Neither.

All in all, I'm still surprised and amazed by whatever concoction the anesthesiologist came up with to knock me out and bring me back because I don't remember a damn thing and I woke up feeling pretty darn good.  She deserves some congratulations.  

I hate not being able to workout for two weeks or more.  I'm thinking that isn't going to happen.  I cannot go two weeks.  I'll have to start from scratch!  Grrrr.  I'll be a fat ass in one week because let's face it - I am not eating healthy! God forbid I change my diet to accommodate this.  No, I'll be working out sooner rather than later.  

The Kentucky Derby is almost ready to begin so back to bed I go and once I'm in, I'm in for awhile. It's too much work to move. 

But tomorrow's another new day and another opportunity to tear open my stitches...

"Here's hoping your surgery goes down as smoothly as the pain killers & comfort food will."

It's 12:30pm.  Can you believe I'm home already and have the wherewithal to type?  I am and I do!

Surgery went great. Recovery was great. Mom was great. Coming home was great.

And now my bed is great.....

Love you all and thank you for all the happy thoughts you sent my way this morning.

"Happy 40th Birthday! Hope you enjoy the gift certificate for one free hysterectomy!"

OK, it's not my 40th birthday and I'm not getting a hysterectomy, but close enough....

I'm been making the texting rounds to those I love, giving them one last, "Hey bitch, I love ya" before I'm put under because while I'm absolutely, positively sure everything will be 100% okay, there's still that small, teeny-tiny chance I might choose not to wake up.  Or they'll spot a tumor of some sort. Or they'll over-anesthetize me, in which case, I hope somebody sues their asses.

Whatever.  I'm going to be fine. I know I'm going to be fine.  But it never hurts to cover all your bases and make sure those you love know you love them.

So here it is Mom, Dad, Aunt Hope, Tim, Susie, Theresa, (if you're all still reading)....

Mom & Dad.  Obviously, I wouldn't exist without the two of you....on numerous levels.  I wish I could say I'm the woman I am today because of you two....and that that would make you proud & happy, but let's face it; if I am the way I am today because of you two, I'm getting my tubes tied so I can have sex without getting pregnant.  Is that really the legacy you meant to leave?  I think not.  So, let me say this:  I really would not be alive today, age 40, holding down a decent (but full of dickheads) job, living in a fantastic house, mentally healthy, physically healthy, emotionally healthy, having the time of my life - truly living - if it weren't for your unconditional love and support.  I will never, in all my life, be able to give you enough thanks for everything.  Nor will there ever be enough time in my life to apologize.  For everything.  Literally, everything. I love you more.

You know this isn't true, right? No way I'll ever be able to afford that, but it's the thought that counts, right? :) 

Aunt Hope.  I am so glad we've become closer over the past few years.  I remember, when I was a little girl, you sent me (or dropped off?) a ceramic teddy bear, that I think you painted yourself.  It was made to look like it was made out of a quilt.  It was so cute and I was so happy you thought of me.  I kept that thing forever.  I'm pretty sure it got lost during one of my many moves, but I still remember it vividly.  It's great to have someone so similar to myself, who truly understands all my weirdness - who looks at that weirdness and says, "Bah! Have I got a story for you!" or who laughs because she relates.  Someone who loves to read as much as I do and always has a good book recommendation for me.  I think about you all the time and I hope you know how wonderful I think you are and how much I love you.

Tim, Tim, Tim.  There isn't another person in my life who can make me laugh like you do and for that, I love you.  Have penis, will travel?

Susie.  Can you believe we've been friends for so many years?  It doesn't make me feel old (or too much, anyway), but happy that no matter how many miles or how many years have passed, we remain friends.  I love you more.

Theresa.  Hey lady!  Again, no matter how many miles separate us, we will always be friends.  You're a no-bullshit, tell-it-to-them-straight, funny, generous, caring, loving woman who I am proud to call my friend.  I love you more.

That's all.  

"It ain't a highlight reel until someone's ankle gets broken."

This morning I watched a 2 hour documentary about the Detroit Pistons from 1987-1991.  That's when I fell in love with basketball.  I loved, loved, loved Isiah Thomas and I hated, hated, hated Bill Laimbeer.

It was a time of epic battles and before Dennis Rodman got all weird.

It was fantastic basketball and watching the documentary, I cried.  At 7AM on a Sunday morning, I was crying over a documentary about a basketball team that hasn't existed in over 20 years.

I am obviously square.