"Give people high fives just for getting out of bed. Being a person is hard sometimes."

I put the mayo in the tool drawer instead of the fridge. WTF.

Some days I cross off every item on my to-do list.

Yesterday: Mow, weed, make lunch, work on a project, search for jobs, paint toenails, take a walk.

Other days, like today, I'm proud of myself for simply showering.

There is no in-between.

"And they lived happily ever after....but who said together."

I have two family members getting married next month...on the same day.  While my immediate family will all be in California at my niece's wedding, I will be with my aunts & uncles at my cousin's wedding in Iowa.  So! I'm working on wedding presents.  Tell me what you think.

The top one is for my cousin (the wedding I'll be attending).  I've painted the heart white and will paint the rest in black.  I'm just tracing everything onto the wood using an ink pen over the paper templates.  The wood's soft enough, it creates an indent so it's easy.

The one below is for my niece.  For some reason, blogger isn't loading the picture correctly, so you'll just have to turn your head.  :)  This one, I painted a part of the board with white and will fill everything else in with black paint.

Like this!

Both boards looked new when I got them.  You know what new wood looks like, right?  I wanted to age it or make it look like it'd been sitting outside for awhile.  I found this technique I wanted to try:  Put some steel wool in a glass jar with vinegar (I used apple cider vinegar).  In another glass jar, make some tea.  Let everything sit for 24 hours.  Then I wiped the tea on the board with a rag, let it dry for at least 30 minutes, then wiped the vinegar on the board using the same rag.  Let it dry.  I did two coats of this procedure, but it worked after only one.  I wanted to see if it got darker with two...it did, a bit.

And that's it!

It is difficult to work on something like this when all I think about is douchebag.  How did I ever think we would be married? Idiot.



Have I told you about MyFitnessPal and MapMyFitness?  Shan got me hooked on them both.  My Fitness Pal helps me track my caloric intake daily.  I haven't lost any weight (I'm 125 now) but it's great to see how horribly I eat!  Not really.  I'm not sure it's helping me at all.  It basically tells me I'm either not eating enough or I'm eating too much and I'll weigh the same in 5 weeks.  Thanks.  Thanks a lot.  The other app is better - Map My Fitness.  It helps me log every exercise I do (from cleaning house to lawn mowing to total body gym workout) and adds those calories burned to My Fitness Pal to show me I CAN EAT MORE!  Like this:  My caloric intake should be around 1,400.  Subtract the food I eat in a day (usually well over 1400) and then add the exercise (usually anywhere from 300 to 600 calories) and I get a number of what I have left to eat!

1,410 - 70 (2 tbls of creamer) + 0 (exercise so far) = 1,340 calories to eat yet today.

Can you see how it might not really help?  Because I see a number after I've exercised and think, "Wow! I can eat a lot!"  The problem is, if I'm not watching WHAT I eat, it doesn't really matter how many calories I'm taking in.  If all my calories are from Peanut Butter M&M's, but I stay at 1,410 calories per day, I'm still not going to lose weight.

I started this shit back in April (tracking my calories) and I weighed 125 lbs.  I still weigh 125 lbs almost 5 weeks later.

*sigh*

Shan says I need to measure myself instead of weigh myself because muscle is heavier than fat.  *eye roll*  I understand that.  However, I know measuring myself isn't going to show me any difference, either.  I'm practically a boy, my measurements are so close.  36-34-36 (chest, waist, hips).  My clothes fit the same (if not a little tighter because now I have a butt and thighs- in a good way).  In fact, I can't fit into some of my clothes which is just flat out depressing.  So I simply avoid those clothes.  I throw them on the floor to make them think about what they've done.  :)

I haven't exercised in a few days.  I've slept.  A lot.  I'm so damn tired, I could stay in bed 24 hours a day.  I'm blaming the bat.  Either it gave me rabies or I'm so tense when I'm in my bedroom (why must it always wake me up from a dead sleep swirling over my head in the dark???), that I'm not properly sleeping.  I haven't slept with the lights off since.  I wear an eye mask and pull the blankets over my head and make sure Garfield is in bed with me instead of hiding out upstairs.  If I can't have a man to protect me from a bat, I'm going to use my cat.  That seems healthy.

Speaking of man, I have met someone - Brian.  He's 44, handsome, funny...but a bit of a know-it-all, which annoys me to no end.  Dude, I'm 41.  I'm not a fucking idiot.  I don't need you to tell me what I'm doing wrong or how I can do something better.  Why must men talk?  Can't they just shut up and listen for once?  Or must it always be about them?  I'm carrying a lot of baggage from dickhead, so I'm maybe not in the best place to give somebody a true chance.  I don't believe a word that comes out of any man's mouth anymore; I'm suspicious of everything; I assume the worst; I protect myself emotionally and don't really give a fuck.  So, yeah, I may not be the best dating material right now, but I'm willing to give him a shot.  He's the one who caught the bat the other night - I was hiding out in my bedroom laughing my ass off at how ridiculous I am when I'm scared.  I want a man around to protect me from bats.


That's all I have time for this morning, dear reader...or all I have the capacity to write about anyway.  Thank you for always reading (even if there are only 3 of you!).  It makes me feel less alone knowing someone out there is interested in my life....

"Gaslight: manipulate someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity."

I've been in therapy for 6 months, meeting with my therapist every 2 weeks.

I am no better.  

Not to say that she isn't doing a good job. She is.  She's one of the best therapists I've ever had.  She challenges me.  She challenges my thoughts.  When I don't believe her, she gives me homework to do by myself which shows me.  The only reason I'm doing as well as I am is because of her work. 

But...I am not doing well.  I'm nowhere near "well".  

Chris discarded me (the term most used when a narcissist moves on to his next target) over 5 months ago.  

The other day, I read something on Pinterest that sent me to google.  Gaslighting.  I knew I had heard that word before (I believe I even watched the old movie) but couldn't remember exactly what it meant.  So I googled it.  And, yet again, I read in awe at how closely my own experience with Chris was reflected in everybody else's stories about their narcissist.  I started this post last week.  It's been sitting here with the title and nothing else since because I didn't want to.  I didn't want to fucking think about it anymore.  

But who am I kidding? 

I think about Chris every goddamn day.  Every. Day.  Multiple times a day.  He's like a goddamn virus that I can't get rid of. 

This morning, again on Pinterest, I read this:

Leaving a relationship with a narcissist sociopath or psychopath is never going to follow the traditional recovery time for a breakup.  Often a survivor of a toxic relationship will question why it takes so long for them to heal and feel whole again.  It takes so much longer than a normal breakup because recovery from psychological abuse involves completely rebuilding self-worth, restoring normal adrenaline levels and finding an inner strength not previously know.  All that takes time.  - Shannon Thomas, Southlakecounseling.org

Yep.  I question all the time why I can't just get over him.  Why can't I stop thinking about him?  Why do I even wonder how I would react if he did reach out to me?  Why do I think I would drop everything and immediately go to him?  Why would I do that?  Do I hate myself that fucking much, to want to go through this torment again?  Why wouldn't I just tell him to fuck off?????

So I googled "Why is it so hard to get over a narcissist?"  

It is incredibly sad to me that there are so many websites and books written specifically for that.  Sad.

So why is it so hard?  This was the best, most concise answer I found.

Cognitive dissonance, can be viewed as a Grand Canyon-sized gap, between our beliefs and new data that is presented (facts). It is the difficulty of accepting what you believed to be true, is actually false. Mental conflict and confusion arise, when the beliefs we hold so firmly and the new facts, contradict each other. Dissolving the cognitive dissonance, by challenging the conflicting information, is the cornerstone of recovery from narcissistic abuse.                           --https://freefromtoxic.com/2015/12/19/getting-over-a-narcissist-by-dissolving-the-stranglehold-of-cognitive-dissonance-2/

Yes... 

He wooed me so extremely, so completely.  He made himself into everything I never dreamed I would ever find.  He became the perfect man.  From http://www.livestrong.com/article/184489-how-to-get-over-a-narcissistic-relationship/, this is the "over-evaluation [stage], the narcissist carefully selects and grooms his target. He becomes hyper-focused on the pursuit, learning all he can about her and using mirroring techniques to transform himself into exactly what she wants."  And then, once he had me so completely his, he got more comfortable and showed his true colors.  He was mean. He called me names.  He belittled me.  When I would stand up for myself, get angry over his behavior and voice my opinion, he would turn it around on me and suddenly he'd be the one mad at me when I had done nothing wrong.  He would spend hours telling me what a bad person I was and then be blissfully happy afterward and I was supposed to follow suit.  If I didn't, he would get angry.  It was a constant rollercoaster ride. Again, from http://www.livestrong.com/article/184489-how-to-get-over-a-narcissistic-relationship/, "During the devaluation stage, the narcissist reveals his true personality. He is confident that he has her devotion, so he feels more comfortable being himself. As the high he felt during the first phase diminishes, he becomes moody, silent and withdrawn. He begins ignoring phone calls, breaking promises, and punishing her for upsetting him. As she tries to get the relationship back on track, he withdraws more and more."  There was always the threat of him leaving me.  And in fact, he did leave me!  And I let him back in because that's what they do.  Narcissists generally have a back-up.  Someone they go back to when their current relationship is starting to dissolve.  

One thing I read said, "Get tested for STD's because there is often overlap (cheating)".  Motherfucker.

This morning I read how narcissists are known for discarding you just before the holidays.  

With the holiday season upon us, those in relationships with narcissistic partners will be doing some extra special suffering. Narcissists are legendary holiday buzz killers and, if the narcissist is your partner, you could end up in any one of a number of situations depending upon your place in the narcissistic queue. Yes, as the holidays roll around, it’s time for the narcissist’s seasonal Devalue & Discard (D & D) and those who are the most convenient in the narcissist’s life will likely take the hit. Sound familiar?  http://www.thenarcissisticpersonality.com/narcissist-ruins-holidays/

Isn't that exactly what happened?  He moved out in October...and came back (called "hoovering") and then left for good just after Thanksgiving.  You know what he said to me on our way back from M'town on Thanksgiving?  "The next time I see all of those people (my family), I'll be your husband."

He never had any intention to ever be my husband.  He never had any intention for any of it.  Any of it!  All of it, our whole relationship, was a goddamn lie.  

And that's the hardest thing of all.  Cognitive dissonance.  I cannot reconcile that the person I fell in love with never existed.  That every sweet, perfect thing he told me was a lie.  That he never had any intention of staying.   

So, how long does it take to get over this type of relationship?  Moving on after a normal relationship occurs more quickly than moving on from a narcissistic relationship.  It could take a year or ten.  Because it was psychological warfare.  

Narcissistic abuse is an emotional trauma.  It targets your primal abandonment wound.  When you feel betrayed, rejected, and abandoned by the Narcissist, your amygdala hijacks your rational thinking and sends you into fight-or-flight mode.  You have a thought (I’ve been rejected because I’m not good enough), you experience an emotion from that thought (panic, sadness, depression), and then you run with it like a Running Back on crack with blinders on. 

 https://letmereach.com/2014/08/27/6-steps-to-emotional-healing-after-narcissistic-abuse-1-is-most-important/

Ok, that explains it. 

Complicated grief is a severe and long-lasting form of grief that takes over one’s life. This is very common in the aftermath of abusive relationships because victims never get the validation they wished for, nor do they get a sense of closure.  https://letmereach.com/2014/08/27/6-steps-to-emotional-healing-after-narcissistic-abuse-1-is-most-important/

I didn't exhaust my research on this.  There's so much more....but I was sobbing and then I stretched my entire body, and then I smiled and said "I'm going to be okay" and then I sobbed some more.  But really....I will be okay.  I see him for what he is.  I am not yet strong enough to withstand an interaction with him, nor am I yet able to stop thinking about him, nor have I gotten my self-worth or self-esteem or trust or forgiveness of myself back...but I will.  I know I will.  

Just....bear with me.  If you wonder why I can't just move on, google "why is it so hard to get over a narcissist" and see for yourself.  All of it is true.  Everything you read.  It's all true.  It all happened. And it all sucks.   

"My momma didn't raise a fool. A psycho maybe, but not a fool."

Not much has been going on and while I have a lot to say, I've been saying it to my journal.  

Today is Mother's Day and I'll bring it all around to Mom.  Watch me. 

Last Saturday, Ben and I spent 7 hours digging out, shoveling sand and laying pavers.  It. Felt. Great. 

Ben's yard

I asked Dad, when he returned, to build me a 6' table for my bedroom - one high enough to compensate for my high bed.  He succeeded!

Dad & table he built for me!

Mom gave me a quilt to cover it because I was too impatient to paint it.

See? Perfect height!  Garfield freaking loves it, which is a problem. 

 Dad & I went to a local garage sale this week and look what I found!

Kitchen island

 It's in my dining room because I don't have room along a kitchen wall, but Dad added very sturdy wheels to the base (instead of the plastic ones it came with) and made it awesome.  More awesome.  He's a genius.

And just look at my clematis growing on the North side of my front porch!!  Holy crap, it's gotten big and beautiful.

And what's all this got to do with Mom?  Because without her, none of it would be possible.  Think about it.
Happy Mother's Day, mamacita!