"In the Spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt."

I don't recall ever having such Spring Fever as I have this year. There's something about seeing the fruits of your labor grow and bloom in all their glory.

I had the idea to find different "window boxes" or in my case "porch boxes" at various thrift stores. I made some wonderful finds, with the help of a friend, and have been potting different flowers and plants in them for the past couple of weeks.  It took a lot of spray paint and patience, but today I was finally ready to hang them all.  Dad helped, of course, because without him, I'm not sure I'd get anything accomplished. Thanks Dad!

Front porch:

Small green box in the center of the railing. Bleeding Hearts at the foundation. LOVE!

Coral box on left. Yellow mailbox right center. Pallet box bottom right. Hydrangea bottom right at foundation. LOVE!!

Side (south) porch:

Back (fence) area:

Found these rubber boots at Salvation Army, poked holes in the bottom, filled with dirt and Voila! 

I found everything but the plants at thrift stores. OH! And then there's this:

It's a newspaper roller for fireplaces. There's a handle, which I had to remove, that will roll newspapers nicely to use when making fires. Best find with the help of my friend. 

I'm working on a new paint project for a neighbor friend up the street. I haven't gotten any farther than transferring the letters to the painted wood, but my goal is to have it done by the Antique Walk, which is fast approaching. So maybe not...

The Whyte house

And now, as I type "The Whyte house" I think the H in house should be capitalized. Damn. I had it that way and then thought, Nope, I need smaller case letters. But now. Yah. Capital it is. Sometimes all it takes is a step away to realize what looks right and what doesn't. 

I have my job interview with the City today for the Deputy City Clerk position. It's a job I've wanted ever since finding out the City Clerk was retiring July 2018, the deputy would presumably become the clerk and the deputy position would be open. I'm happy I got an interview (11 people applied, whittled down to 4). I'm generally not too nervous during interviews, but this one feels different. Maybe because I actually want it. Maybe because these people "think" they know me already so it's a bit different atmosphere than going in cold. Maybe because I really, really, really don't want to come across as a dumbass and fear that I will. Maybe because I don't feel "good" enough. 

I'm just doing what I always do, which is read through the job description, my resume, cover letter and application, my answered interview questions and various recommendations I've received previously. I realized today, I should read those recommendations daily because they're glowing and I actually believe those people thought those things about me and so they're a nice boost to my ever-declining-self-esteem. 

My interview isn't until 6PM this evening so I have all day to not think about it. :)

"Never underestimate the power of thought."

I'm going to start with the not-so-good and end on the possibly-good.

Over the past month, I've felt good...for the most part.  But randomly and not very often, I get this wave of emptiness that overtakes me. It hits out of nowhere and generally doesn't linger very long. Minutes. But when it hits, I feel as if my heart has left my body. Or my soul has departed. Or there's just this great vast abyss inside me that opens up ever so briefly to make sure I know it's still there.

It comes out of nowhere. And it departs the same. The first time it happened, I thought, "Eh. Okay. No big deal. This doesn't mean anything. Maybe I just need water." Lol. The second time, my thoughts were more like, "Ok, what the fuck is going on?" And then I drank some more water. As if it helps. The third time, I admit, my thinking went to "Uh-oh. I may be in trouble." I see it as a foreboding of something not-so-good.

Depression.

I updated my resume last week and I realized, March is really not a good month for me. It's funny how I've never really noticed that before. I left a construction company in March. I left the church in March. I left the law firm in March. One year, I was hospitalized in early February, which is close enough to March to make me wonder.

So what's up with March?

Basketball does screw with my television viewing so maybe it's to blame!

Winter doesn't depress me. I don't have Seasonal Affective Disorder. I love the cold and the dark and the snow. Summer depresses me, yes. So maybe March signifies Spring and the oncoming Summer. I've never really looked into it, to be honest, because I just realized the correlation last week. Below are a couple of links that at least make me feel less....crazy?

Reverse SAD

When Spring Brings You Down

So! There's that! Whoo hoo. Knowledge is power, right? Being aware is important so I'm glad I've got that.

Let's move onto the possibly-good-news because I don't want to dwell on the not-so-good.

Last Tuesday, I interviewed at a distribution company in a town not so far away from my little hamlet for an assistant buyer position. I didn't really hold out much hope. I wasn't even sure it was something I could do, let alone have an interest in. I'm still not sure about that. :) It had snowed pretty good the day before and was supposed to start snowing again around the time the interview would end, so I was debating about whether or not to even go!  I went. The roads were fine. I didn't even encounter a single flake. The interview went well. They said they'd make a decision Thursday.

They called Wednesday morning first thing and offered me the job.

Apparently I did something right.

I don't want to put too much emphasis on this, but I'm giving some credit (which is a big step for me, as you well know) to Wicca and the power of thought. I requested assistance clearing my debt and while nobody dropped a load of money in my lap at one time, a job is a way of clearing my debt (or so I've been told). So, yeah. Power of thought. I do believe in that.

I start the new gig tomorrow a.m. and am anxious and nervous and not really all that excited and mostly I just want to get through the next 2 months without losing my shit and be a productive member of society and not disappoint another employer and my parents and my friends and anyone else I consistently disappoint by being unemployed. Whew.

I've been having lunch with 2 former co-workers from the law firm once a month and we plan to do it again in March. I think that helps. To have something to look forward to because I really do have fun with those 2. I began a new workout (HIIT Strength & Cardio) via YouTube a few weeks ago. It kicks my ass and I love it. Here's the link if you're interested. HIIT Fitness Blender

Speaking of which, one of my friends asked me "How do you do it?" as in how do I stay fit. I started telling her about going on the low carb diet, what exercises I started with, what I advanced to, where I'm at now, what I eat now and she said I should start a blog about it.

What a grand fucking idea!

So I'm pondering it. Let's see how tired I am after pulling all-dayers (no naps) for 5 days straight. If I have any energy after 5PM on any given day, I'll be shocked.

That's all the news I have to date, folks, and Celebrity Big Brother is on so I'm off to watch these idiots.

Love & light & all that shit, :)
Me

"Facebook should have a limit on how many times you can change your relationship status. After 3 it should default to "unstable"."

I don't know how it's been almost two full weeks since I've written.  There aren't enough hours in the day...or there are, but I just don't have the energy or stamina....to get everything done that I want to get done.  So when I woke up at 3:30 this morning and I mean wide awake woke up, I thought, "I can write!"

So, what have I been up to?

I've been painting my hallway - the hallway that I had to take a hammer to in order to get the couch down the stairs and into its proper place in the living room.

It was green, remember?

This is two coats. It needs about two more and then I'll be done....so I can paint the ceiling next.  I suspect that'll be later.  Much, much later.  Why can't painting be one and done?  It definitely brightens the hallway tremendously.  I can't believe that light green color sucked up so much damn light! 

Anyway, that has been my evenings, along with spending time with Chris when he "visits".  

*sigh*

I woke up yesterday, alone, and felt like I wasn't in a relationship.  I felt single.  I don't really want to feel single.  It kind of sucks. I know I'm not single.  I'm "in a relationship" as Facebook would put it.  But I hate that statement, too.  I hate the word "girlfriend" or "boyfriend".  It sounds so lame, so high school.  At some point in one's life, such as at the age of 41, there should be a better word for it.  Something that says, "It took me this long to find someone who doesn't irritate the shit out of me just by breathing".  Is there a word for that?

The time we have spent together the past few weeks has been good.  I'm sad when he leaves.  I don't breathe a sigh of relief that he's gone and I get my house back.  That takes a couple of days to "enjoy" being by myself again.  I'm in a weird place, so.....

I'm going to see a new counselor on Thursday.  I scheduled it for myself two weeks ago because if I'm going to be "in a relationship", I need someone objective to help me understand it, tell me I'm on the right track or not, help me through it.  We'll see.  It's always difficult finding a good counselor - someone I feel comfortable with and who I can connect with.  Difficult is too mundane of a word.

We did carve pumpkins, which I posted on Facebook - for the first time mentioning this man in my life to the Facebook world.  Most people didn't realize it, which I found fitting.  

Mine's the cat...of course.

I also interviewed for a new job this past week.  It was for an accounting/bookkeeping job in the same town.  I would want to work there because of their Code of Ethics relating to their employees, specifically.  I miss being respected, lol.  And appreciated.  I don't want to leave my job.  I hate starting new somewhere else, not knowing if I'm going to fit in or even be able to do the job.  I'm comfortable at my current job, but I'm never going to make enough money to live on if I stay.  Never.  They're never going to pay me what I feel I'm worth.  Is anybody?  Sure.  I'm cheap, honestly.

The interview went....okay.  I describe it as "I was charming, witty and stupid all at once".  Yes, stupid.  I realized I don't have any formal accounting background.  I don't have any education in accounting.  Everything I know I taught myself (and that's dangerous, right?).  So yeah, stupid...but I can learn.  I'm not so stupid I can't learn.  I'm not holding my breath.  The same day I interviewed for that job, I got rejected by two others that I wanted.  That doesn't seem to bode well.  

I also spent last Saturday morning with my friend, Theresa.  

I need more of this.  I should spend every Saturday morning in CB catching up with a friend each time. I mean, I'm not much of a social person, let's be honest, and even when I lived in CB, did I "hang out" with friends on a regular basis? Nope....not unless I was at a bar.  But I think it's important for me...to get out of myself.  I wish I could go to one of my regular AA meetings every week.  I miss doing that.  I need to kick myself in the ass and go to a meeting in the town I'm in every damn day.  Is there time? To not run my errands and go to a 1-hour meeting instead?  I don't know.  I just don't know, but that's no damn excuse.  An alcoholic needs those meetings.  I need to make that shit happen.

I attempt to wake up early a couple of times a week to get a workout in because there are other things I need to do after work....like sleep.  I accomplished a workout yesterday morning.  I still weigh the same (about 117lbs) even though I've been eating crap and not working out as much.  I eat "right" just enough to maintain and I workout just enough to stay toned.  I will go one way or the other - either I'll dwindle my workouts to nil and keep eating crap or I'll swing the other way and get back on the low carb train and workout even harder.  Here's hoping its the latter!  

It's only 5:20a.m.  I should paint the hallway....