"Sometimes the things we can't change end up changing us."

I had therapy yesterday and she pointed out to me that I never give myself any credit. I downplay everything because I think normal people do "life" on a regular basis, every day, like it's nothing. So what if I can do it for a day or a week or a month? Big whoop dee do.

There's been a lot of..... upheaval.... in my life recently.

I didn't get the job I truly thought I was going to get. I didn't realize how much I deep down thought it was mine. And to not get it for an incredibly stupid reason... *sigh*.  I've just accepted it. It is what it is. They made their decision and I have to move on. Because anything else would lead to resentment and anger and bitterness and, eventually, drinking. So, yah. Let that shit go.

My brother is living with me for who knows how long. All of you know, I would do anything for him. I love living with him. His dog, not so much, but it's easier because Ben is here to deal with him, too. He isn't all my responsibility. And yes, my house is now covered in cat AND dog fur (man, I need to get Garfield shaved!) and my house now smells like dog and my new furniture is covered in sheets because of dog.... but I can deal with all of that to help my brother. He's the only person on the planet for which I would move a dead body.

But.... it's an adjustment. It's easier than I thought it would be. And this is when my therapist would say, "you're not giving yourself enough credit... there have been times you wouldn't be handling this at all. Look at all you're doing". 

Eh. So what?

And lastly, my friend who I've spent so much time with over the past 6 months is sitting in jail awaiting sentencing. We texted each other all day every day. We spoke on the phone if we didn't see each other. We saw each other at least twice a week. We went junk store shopping, Walmart shopping, watched movies together, made meals, went fishing, etc, etc, etc.  And while he drove me nuts mostly all the damn time, there's now a gaping hole where he used to be. Again, I'm handling it just fine, probably because we had spent a lot of time together his last week and I was ready for a break.... which sounds horrible, I know. Who would welcome someone going to jail just so they could get a break from them, lol? Me, that's who. I'm a horrible person. If you haven't figured that out by now, I don't know who you think I am.

But.... it's an adjustment.

And I'm working on Step Four: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Again.

It's been almost 7 years since I did my first Step Four and things appear clearer today than they did then. I'm much more open to listening to my sponsor, but realize I don't have to accept or agree or put into action anything she says.  She's wise beyond her years and most of what she says, I am in awe of, but there are still times when I'm like, "No, that's not true. No, that isn't right. No, I'm not like that."  AA-ers tend to lump everyone together. We are very similar, true. But we are not all the same.

My Step Four this go 'round is more difficult. It isn't about berating myself. That's easy to do. It's about looking at those things in me, in my life, that I want to change. And I realized what those big things were re-reading my journals awhile back. 

Change is fucking hard and scary. So I'm looking at me and my life and realizing the hurtful things I've done to people that I never realized were hurtful until now (think "sex conduct") and having to face an Amy I don't like to face. The real Amy. The Amy who is selfish and self-seeking and subconsciously trying to fill a void in her she doesn't even realize she has. This is the Amy who is stubborn and unforgiving and hurtful and who pushes people away who get too close to the real Amy. This is the Amy who hides who she is. This is the Amy full of bravado and false confidence.... who doesn't see her value or worth and doesn't respect herself enough. This is the Amy who has an acid tongue and lacks empathy and will cut you down to get her way. 

She's an ugly Amy.

But... it has to be done. Nothing is going to change unless I go through this process.  I don't want to be the same person next year that I am today. There's been enough.  Enough of that. It's time to let go of old patterns and begin new, healthy ones. I'm ready. Or,  at least, I tell myself I am. The process isn't pretty and a lot of people drink at Step Four because they judge themselves throughout.  I'm attempting not to judge. I'm attempting to deliberately and without persecution, openly look at my errors and let them go. Let that person go.

As my sponsor would say, there are two types of change: the butterfly and the snake. The butterfly changes abruptly and dramatically from a caterpillar to a beautiful butterfly. Dramatic. Like, an AA-er has this epiphany or spiritual awakening and is never the same again. 

A snake sheds its skin. It's the same snake, but when the layer of skin gets uncomfortable and tight, it sheds it.... And then it's slimy and raw in its fresh skin... and it's a continuous process.

That's me. I'm the snake. I'm not going to have a dramatic epiphany. I'm not suddenly overnight going to become a new and different person. It's going to be a long process that I will continually have to work at.... but it'll be worth it.

Right?

So, yes, there has been a lot going on over the past few weeks - some of it good, most of it bad - and yet, here I am, still functioning.  I credit Lamictal.  My therapist would chastise me for that.

Give me time. I'm a work in progress.