"I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure a Nyquil margarita will solve all your problems."

Yes, I'm sick.

In more ways than one, though.

You well know that if my physical health takes a nosedive - and not even a very steep nosedive, at that- it's a very small step to the deterioration of my mental health.

I started to get sick Saturday with a dry persistent cough. Sunday, sore throat, dry cough. My sinuses felt fine. My throat hurt. Monday I woke up and thought, "I really do not want to go to work" and that's all it took. One stupid simple negative thought and my brain wouldn't let it go. Obsess much? I ended up going to work, but left early to go to the doctor to see if it was flu.

It wasn't. Of course not. It's a goddamn cold which can't be treated with any antibiotics so I'm stuck with OTC shit that makes me loopier than if I didn't take them. I decided to try Alka Seltzer Cold & Cough because that worked for me ONE TIME, 10 YEARS AGO.

Jesus.

It made me sick. So guess what? No more of that.

I did not go to work Tuesday or Wednesday. I slept the majority of those 2 days and went to work Thursday. Why, I don't know, because I wasn't any better and in fact, I think it did me more harm than good. By the end of the work day, the cough that had dissipated, came back phlegmy.

Yum.

Last night was by far the worst. I could at least sleep before. Last night, the stuffy nose and head full of snot began. I tried to sleep with a Breathe Right strip, to no avail. I got out of bed this morning and thought, "Fuck no, I'm staying right here".

And so I did.

It's too early in this new job to miss so many days in one goddamn week. I haven't been there nearly long enough to not want to go already.

Yes, I'm sick and here's how I know I'm sick. I haven't sang since Sunday. I sing every damn day, every time I get a chance, in the tub, in the car, while I'm cooking, while I'm working out, every chance I get, I sing. Not a peep since Sunday and I'm not even sure I sang that day. I just know I haven't sang in my car or at home all week. It didn't hit me until last night. I never realized how often I sing and how much I enjoy it, until I can't.

But so what? So I have a sore throat? So my head is full of snot? So I've slept a shit-ton this week? So I'm still so tired I can't keep my hands at 10 & 2 on the steering wheel? So. What. I could go to work. I proved that yesterday by going and suffering through it all day. Other adults go to work sick all the time. Hell, people with cancer and chemo treatments still go to work..... So why can't I?

I've beat myself up every damn day this week because 1. I'm sick 2. I'm weak 3. I'm not normal 4. I can't figure out what my deal is.

I talked to my sponsor about it last night and she laughed and said it's an alcoholic thing.

Really? Because all my life I thought it was just me, sucking at life, sucking at adulting, sucking at normal. It's good to know it isn't just me, that there are plenty of other sick-o's out there who behave the same way I do. It doesn't make it okay, by any means, but it does give me a little bit of validation. Like, maybe I'm not the one person in all of humanity who sucks at life in this particular respect.

I still don't understand it and I still think there is something inherently wrong with me and I honestly don't know how to change it....but maybe once my head clears, I'll be able to think it all through.


On another note, I don't know how this keeps happening but my roles in relationships tend to be whatever male role from my immediate previous relationship. 

For example, after Chris, I dated Ricky. Suddenly, Ricky was me and I was Chris (from my previous relationship).  And now I'm not in a relationship because I flat-out refuse to be, but I sort-of am and suddenly I'm Ricky and this new guy is me from that previous relationship. It's weird.

When I was with Ricky, I was insecure and untrusting and needy and way clingy (like Chris was with me) and Ricky was much more secure, more mature, more independent, not needy in the least (as I was with Chris before).  Now, I wouldn't say I'm any of those positive attributes Ricky exhibited, but I'm certainly not needy and more like anti-needy: "I don't need you. You can go away at any time and I'd be just fine with that. I don't even like you." That's how I felt Ricky thought when we were together, like he must not really want me because he's not behaving in the way I've learned shows "like", "want", "need" or "love". I realize now, he was simply behaving as a healthy male adult should behave.

I remember when Ricky was sick and I couldn't see him. Ugh. It made me uncertain and scared and needy and behave poorly. And now I'm sick and I don't really want to see anyone or be around anyone and everyone can just fuck off...but this guy is needy and demanding and pouty and whiny and so fucking annoying. So here I am reflecting on my behavior when I was with Ricky and his behavior towards me and my current behavior with this dude and wondering if it's Karma that I switch roles every relationship or if it's all just learned behavior.

Well! This was very apropos.

I don't know.... and because I don't care if this guy stays or goes, I feel almost compelled to be my most straight-forward self and say "This is what I need. If you can't give me that, there's the door." And while it's incredibly rude, it's also very freeing to finally be able to say whatever the fuck I want to say and not worry about another person's feelings...because mine are totally protected.

If this pattern continues, that means the next relationship I'm going to be in, I'll be needy (again), whiny, clingy, annoying, a regular sap and he'll be rude and disrespectful and for some inane reason, I'll stick around and take it.

It's a fucked-up world I create.

I don't know...

But I do know, I'm not in a receptive place so any comments you feel like sharing will not be received from a place of gratitude. Probably more from a place of "fuck off, you don't know me" which is totally irrational because only you people "know" me.

And now I'm exhausted from typing and thinking and feeling shitty about myself so I'm gonna go back to bed and just lay there.

"Someone asked me 'Would you be friends with people who spoke to you the way you speak to yourself?' and I was fucked up for 30 minutes."

WORK

It's been a (relatively) good week. I missed 2 days because of the weather and thank the gods today is Saturday because if it was a work day, I most definitely would not have ventured outside my house. I love winter. You know I do. But man, I am terrified of driving in it. When did I become such a wuss? I watch way too much weather. As soon as I wake up, I'm watching Ryan McPike on Channel 3 and flipping to the other two stations plus the Weather Channel to try to figure out which one is right. I pull up the weather radar on my phone. I look at Iowa 511 to see how the roads are and where the plow trucks are....and if there are cameras on them, I look at the pictures.

It's too damn much.

I spoke to someone the other night and she said, "I'm a weather denier" because it doesn't do her any good so she just doesn't watch.

I can't go to that extreme. I mean, I like to know how to dress, at least.

Work was surprisingly understanding. It's such a different atmosphere as compared to my last employer. Sure, there's still gossip but I'm not a part of it nor will I be. Sure, everyone feigns the "get along" attitude but I hear so & so bitching about so & so. But there's also laughter and a lot of hard work and I just keep my head down and plug away at my work. Which I enjoy. So there's that.

But to be honest, my anxiety is out of control most mornings, my stomach has been a wreck since even before I got the job offer and hasn't gotten any better....but once I start my morning routine, I'm good to go. Tho I wish I had a dose of Xanax to ease the transition.

AA

I went to my first AA meeting in about a month in the next town over Saturday morning (before the freezing drizzle started to get bad). I haven't missed it, really. It was getting so dramatic and gossipy and judgmental which isn't helpful at all. But, I'm not able to get to my City meetings since I'm working, and running a meeting is a different feeling than attending a meeting so my meeting is more leading than sharing, and the meetings in the town I'm working in aren't until 8PM so that isn't happening. 

I needed the Saturday morning meeting. Not because I fear I'm going to drink but because it's like a check-up, a reminder. It's good to be around people who've lived my life and understand better than anyone else and can laugh when I say "In the beginning Lois said she was grateful to be sober and I would just stare at her & think 'you're so full of shit because this fucking sucks'".  And everybody laughs because they understand or they felt exactly the same way....and today I can say honestly I am truly grateful to be sober and it no longer sucks and it's no longer torment. I can say that in the beginning I had to go through a mourning phase. It was as if I had lost my best friend. I was losing this thing that had been with me for 23 years. I was losing my crutch. I was losing my escape. I had to mourn & grieve....and then see how shitty a best friend alcohol always was, and be okay to let it go. It was a good meeting, all around, and I'm looking forward to leading tomorrow's.

And some momentous news..... I got a sponsor.

Funny

She's attended meetings in the next town over and when she's free, attends the Sunday morning meeting. Her husband is almost always there. She has a lot of years in, she's funny and I just walked up to her last Sunday and asked if she'd help me walk through the steps. Because I've only done through Step 4 with the sponsor I had the first 3 months of sobriety (& then dumped) and haven't worked them since. It's been 6 1/2 years. I'm in a much better place now than I was in early sobriety. I was a gigantic mess. I'm still a mess, just not a gigantic one. I'm hopeful.... & reticent at the same time. I'm confident in my beliefs so if anyone says I "have" to believe this or I "have" to do that in order to stay sober, I'm going to take what they said into consideration, either incorporate it into my life or, more likely, thank them for their time and move on. 

Reading through the AA literature more lately because of my meeting has reminded me why I'm not an AA traditionalist. I don't believe that AA is the only way to stay sober. I don't believe that AA is the only way to become a better person. I'm not a hardcore AA person. I don't believe in God and my higher power isn't a deity. One of the readings today basically said that atheists are "unmoral" (isn't the word "immoral?) and material.  I strongly disagree. Strongly. A person doesn't need God or religion to be moral or compassionate or selfless or forgiving. 

We are not born with a belief in God. It's taught to us. 

A lot of AA is about faith and God...or a Higher Power (tho what Bill W. and Dr. Bob originally meant was, in fact, religion and God).  But if my higher power isn't the same as anyone else's higher power, then guess what? Mine is wrong and I should believe what they believe or I'm going to drink. 

I haven't drank in this long and I have no intention to drink and the tools I use to counteract any thought of drinking work for me. And that's the point. Take what works for you and leave the rest. 

Ugh. See? I'm already combative. I'm going to stop looking for trouble where there is none...yet. 

LOW CARB & LOVIN' IT

Visit if you haven't already!  I'm enjoying writing it so far and love thinking of "What's next?" or what I should write about long-term. I needed something fresh to write about.  It's helpful to me and hopefully helpful to just one other person.  I'm looking forward to writing about my workouts and the one I'm doing now & have been the past 3 weeks - HIIT Total Body Strength & Cardio workout. HIIT is High Intensity Interval Training. It kicks my ass. Literally. I do butt kickers for warm up. But seriously, I'm sore. My ass hurts. My thighs hurt. My triceps hurt. My stomach even hurts. 

Yep

I worked out 4 days last week. I'm aiming for 3 this week and 4 the next.  I have yet to break the 120 lb barrier on my scale but I tell myself "It's because you're building muscle and muscle weighs more!" *eye roll* I'd really like to see 119 lbs....if only to make sure my scale is capable of dropping below 120. 

And now I'm hungry and tired and want some really shitty food for lunch followed by reading (I'm on "Wolves of Calla" the fifth book in Stephen King's "The Dark Tower" series....so good!), and a nap. 

Life is good. It really, really is. 

Love you more,

Me

"It's what's inside that makes you beautiful. *the demon inside me blushes* "

Ugh, there's so much, I'm just gonna start....

WORK
I started my new job Monday. I had therapy already scheduled that morning at 8:00 a.m. (forethought) so didn't get to the new office until 10. Which was fine. All we did all morning and most of the afternoon was HR stuff and I almost fell asleep. I was the only new office person; the other 3 were warehouse guys. A lot of the training videos (how to use a ladder....hate to tell ya this Dad, but we're doing it wrong) didn't apply to me so much. At around 3:00, the HR woman dismissed the guys and took me around to everyone in the office and introduced me. It was nice but there were some who really just didn't give a shit. And then I sat with the woman who would be training me for the last 1.5 hours.

It's a miracle I went back.

Really. Honestly.

That 1.5 hours with her had my scared shitless. As in, "I am never going to be able to do this. I'm too stupid. I'll never get it. This is too hard."

But for some reason, I woke up Tuesday morning and went. And guess what? I am able to do it. I'm not too stupid. I did get it. It wasn't that hard. It was a good week. And what's even more amazing....I didn't nap for 5 days straight, nor did I fall asleep at any point at my desk, nor did I even feel tired until Thursday morning, 5AM. AND I did not go directly to bed after a full day's work. Almost every night I was up until 9PM. It's a good schedule and while I don't think there are enough hours (or energy) in the day to get everything done I want to get done, somehow I'll manage.


DIY
I forgot to share some things with you earlier this month.  My brother texted me one night with a picture of a sign he wanted me to make. Guess what it said? "Loved you then, love you still, always have, always will". Um, you just want mine? Thankfully mine did work for his needs (whatever they were, I have no idea) because I had 2 other projects going and didn't want to add a third.

I had hung mine above my bed (not pictured) and now had a giant gaping blank space again. So I filled it with this:

DIY Dreamcatchers!

WICCA

Lemon Tassie

I spent Groundhog's Day (February 2) celebrating Imbolc, a time of renewal and cleansing and marking the recovery of the Goddess after giving birth to the God. It's the transition of the three-fold Goddess from Crone to Maiden. 

I basically did some protective charms for the house and myself, smudged my whole house and at sunset, turned on a light in every room to signify the emergence of the Sun. I made lemon tassies (delicious) as a gift to the God & Goddess (of which they didn't eat any so guess who did). It was a beautiful day and I was glad to celebrate it on my own. 

I don't believe in deities. I don't believe there's an actual God and/or Goddess that exists. I do, however, believe in expressing my gratitude for the many blessings in my life, spending time focusing and centering my energy to send out into the world in thought, communing with the energy of the Universe, getting outside myself and learning something new in the process. I'm really enjoying the whole thing. 

A NEW BLOG

I had lunch a week ago with a couple of the girls from my previous job. One of them asked me how I do it... How do I stay fit and slim? (On a sidenote here, I have a hard time seeing myself as fit and/or slim because I am my own worst critic. I see what needs improvement and forget how far I've come.) So I told her a bit about low carb eating and what I did when I first started working out and where I am now and she said, "I know you write a blog about alcoholism, so why don't you write one for this?" I'm not gonna lie....that felt good. To be asked about how I did something and then told someone wanted to read about it. Why does it feel so good when someone truly has an interest in me and something I do? 

So since then, I've been pondering a new blog open to the public on fitness & eating low carb. Now, I realize I am not the epitome of fitness nor do I know all there is about eating low carb, but, just as in AA, I can tell my story and anybody can take it or leave it. It's just my opinion and what I did for myself. It isn't an endorsement for anything nor should anybody follow my direct path.

I'm still pondering the idea, getting all my ducks in a row, thinking of names - Any ideas? So far, I have Low Carb & Lovin' It or Maybe She Just Needs Carbs, depending on what's available...so seriously, post some ideas in the comments section!

I'm wondering when I'll have the time to dedicate to it, but as with anything else, if it's a priority, I'll make it happen. And it's something I'm passionate about (relatively so) and maybe if I'm writing about it, it'll help me, too. I've been slacking off on the low-carb thing for awhile and yah, I notice. My body isn't right. I'm bloated. I'm gassy. I feel fat. And while I know I'm not fat....I'm just not fat YET. I fluctuate between 120 on good days to 125 on bad ones. I cannot get under 120. It's like this brick wall I can't break through. And my goal is to knock that shit down and get to 115 so when I fluctuate, I do so between 115 and 120 instead of higher. I don't like to see the scale creep up because I watched it creep up for a long time and I don't want to see that happen again. A pound here, a pound there adds up to 146lbs and I don't ever want to see the other side of 125 again.

Not that it's about what the scale says, tho. It's about how I feel and how I feel isn't great. I mean, I feel pretty damn good today because I started a new HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) workout 2 or 3 weeks ago and it kicks my ass but I'm getting better and stronger and can do more cardio than I could when I started and how awesome is that??? I am eating better (still can't put down the goddamn sugar, tho) and am finding new recipes to try. Right now I'm cooking chicken thighs in my crockpot for the week. I'm making them generic so I can do something different every night if I want to.

When I do good for myself, I feel good. When I eat well, when I workout, when I get enough sleep, when I accomplish my to-do list, I feel fucking great. When I eat crappy, I feel crappy. When I eat crappy, my workout suffers and when my workout suffers.... Aw, who am I kidding? Any workout feels great. I have never regretted a workout. But some days are better than others. Taking care of myself feels good and when I feel good, I become good and when I become good, the whole world rejoices because let's face it.... Bitchy Amy is a scary Amy to be around.
Update: I went ahead with a new blog: Low Carb & Lovin' It. 

VALENTINE'S DAY
I did celebrate V-Day. No, I did not get any roses :( but a friend got me this:

A new altar cloth representing the three-fold Goddess (Maiden, Mother, Crone) and Louise from Bob's Burgers "If you keep talking, I'm gonna gut punch you!", which is entirely accurate. More people need to stfu. And Bob's Burgers is the best goddamn cartoon on t.v. today....or any day, for that matter. It should live on in infamy. 

Oh! And this:

The plant - not the rest of the stuff there.  It's a 6" Hyacinth that smells just like lilacs. Every time I walk past it, I get a whiff of Spring. It's delightful. 

Whew!

Lots to write about.  I thank you, always, for reading. 

Love you more,

Me

"Never underestimate the power of thought."

I'm going to start with the not-so-good and end on the possibly-good.

Over the past month, I've felt good...for the most part.  But randomly and not very often, I get this wave of emptiness that overtakes me. It hits out of nowhere and generally doesn't linger very long. Minutes. But when it hits, I feel as if my heart has left my body. Or my soul has departed. Or there's just this great vast abyss inside me that opens up ever so briefly to make sure I know it's still there.

It comes out of nowhere. And it departs the same. The first time it happened, I thought, "Eh. Okay. No big deal. This doesn't mean anything. Maybe I just need water." Lol. The second time, my thoughts were more like, "Ok, what the fuck is going on?" And then I drank some more water. As if it helps. The third time, I admit, my thinking went to "Uh-oh. I may be in trouble." I see it as a foreboding of something not-so-good.

Depression.

I updated my resume last week and I realized, March is really not a good month for me. It's funny how I've never really noticed that before. I left a construction company in March. I left the church in March. I left the law firm in March. One year, I was hospitalized in early February, which is close enough to March to make me wonder.

So what's up with March?

Basketball does screw with my television viewing so maybe it's to blame!

Winter doesn't depress me. I don't have Seasonal Affective Disorder. I love the cold and the dark and the snow. Summer depresses me, yes. So maybe March signifies Spring and the oncoming Summer. I've never really looked into it, to be honest, because I just realized the correlation last week. Below are a couple of links that at least make me feel less....crazy?

Reverse SAD

When Spring Brings You Down

So! There's that! Whoo hoo. Knowledge is power, right? Being aware is important so I'm glad I've got that.

Let's move onto the possibly-good-news because I don't want to dwell on the not-so-good.

Last Tuesday, I interviewed at a distribution company in a town not so far away from my little hamlet for an assistant buyer position. I didn't really hold out much hope. I wasn't even sure it was something I could do, let alone have an interest in. I'm still not sure about that. :) It had snowed pretty good the day before and was supposed to start snowing again around the time the interview would end, so I was debating about whether or not to even go!  I went. The roads were fine. I didn't even encounter a single flake. The interview went well. They said they'd make a decision Thursday.

They called Wednesday morning first thing and offered me the job.

Apparently I did something right.

I don't want to put too much emphasis on this, but I'm giving some credit (which is a big step for me, as you well know) to Wicca and the power of thought. I requested assistance clearing my debt and while nobody dropped a load of money in my lap at one time, a job is a way of clearing my debt (or so I've been told). So, yeah. Power of thought. I do believe in that.

I start the new gig tomorrow a.m. and am anxious and nervous and not really all that excited and mostly I just want to get through the next 2 months without losing my shit and be a productive member of society and not disappoint another employer and my parents and my friends and anyone else I consistently disappoint by being unemployed. Whew.

I've been having lunch with 2 former co-workers from the law firm once a month and we plan to do it again in March. I think that helps. To have something to look forward to because I really do have fun with those 2. I began a new workout (HIIT Strength & Cardio) via YouTube a few weeks ago. It kicks my ass and I love it. Here's the link if you're interested. HIIT Fitness Blender

Speaking of which, one of my friends asked me "How do you do it?" as in how do I stay fit. I started telling her about going on the low carb diet, what exercises I started with, what I advanced to, where I'm at now, what I eat now and she said I should start a blog about it.

What a grand fucking idea!

So I'm pondering it. Let's see how tired I am after pulling all-dayers (no naps) for 5 days straight. If I have any energy after 5PM on any given day, I'll be shocked.

That's all the news I have to date, folks, and Celebrity Big Brother is on so I'm off to watch these idiots.

Love & light & all that shit, :)
Me

"People like you are the reason we have middle fingers."

Man, someone has tried to beat me to shit the last couple of days and I'm happy to say, he has not succeeded.

Yet.

I'm a crockpot thinker, not a microwave thinker. I like to let things sit and settle and soak and really flavorize.  It takes me daaaaaays to think (or not, in my case, because that works better for me), rather than make snap decisions, judgments, statements, etc.  So it may be a few days before I truly feel the repercussions of this person's nastiness.

Men who are cruel to women after being rejected are scary, scary men. Not in the sense that I worry about physical harm to myself. No. Not that. Just that, because their fragile egos have been bruised, they go from worshiping the ground a woman walks on one day to telling her she's a fucking liar, a spoiled fucking child, a self-centered asshole, a hypocrite, a miserable fuck, will end up in the psych ward, never married, never happy, unable to face issues, a coward, etc, etc, etc. the very next. All because she said, very clearly and honestly, we need to end this. A man who can flip that switch so quickly from love to cruelty is a man to be feared....and avoided. At all costs.

It's like Chris calling me a whore all those times. It's an insecure man protecting his damaged ego and attempting to cause as much harm as possible in the process.

Rejection allows you to see a person for who they truly are. Behavior such as that makes the rejection that much easier to stand behind. Yes. This. This right here is why you're rejected.

I said to an ex (then boyfriend) once, "Ya know, when I run into my ex's, they're happy to see me. I don't think that's true for you." Do you remember that? I no longer think that's true for me.

All of this has made me wonder...

Am I incapable of truly being with anyone? 

Maybe. I am 42, so probably. But that doesn't mean I should give up. And it doesn't mean that I can't be happy. I can be happy. And I can be happy single, too. Just because a person never marries, never finds that lasting love, doesn't mean they can't be happy.

And this...the most profound thought I had yesterday...

What someone else thinks of me is not a reflection of who I am. 

I am a very self-reflective, introspective person. I know myself better than anyone else could ever dream of knowing me. Do I do stupid shit? Yep. All the time. Who doesn't? Am I perfect? Hardly. Not even close. Never will be. I have so many flaws, I've stopped counting them. But that's what makes me unique, right?

*eyeroll*

Whatever.

I'm happy to have my life back-- unaware of other people's judgments of me, blissfully ignorant of gossip, oblivious to anyone's innermost thoughts. I am a much better person, a much saner person, a much happier person when my circle is small and only includes those who truly love me for me.

Everyone else can go fuck themselves.

"Bide the Wiccan law ye must, In perfect love and perfect trust."

Yah. So I'm a witch. You had to know that would happen eventually in my lifetime, right? 

*eye roll*

I don't know if I'm a witch or not, but I am learning and practicing Wicca (witchcraft) and finding it to be very conducive to my beliefs and actions. It's all about communion with nature, not bowing down to the God & Goddess but opening up my arms to them, not worshiping them but being in communion with them. I like that. I like the ritual of it. I like the spells and the candles and the thought behind it all. I like that there is no organization of it. I like that a person can practice it solitary or in a coven. I like that my life is my responsibility. It isn't fate. It isn't "God". It isn't "God's" plan. I like that there is a feminine and a masculine and both are equal. Women aren't subservient. We don't "obey". We are together. 

Do I believe that there is an actual "God" and "Goddess"? Um, no. Of course not. I do believe that everything is energy. When I die, I don't go to some great heaven. I die, am buried, and return to the earth. My energy is worm food, soil nutrients, etc. In that sense, we all continue on, just in a different form. Energy I can understand. Heaven I cannot. 

So I don't believe when I invoke the God and Goddess, I'm actually invoking the Horned God and Isis or whatever you want to call them. Those are the names I use, but I could just as easily say Paul and Susan. It doesn't matter. They're simply symbols. I invoke the four elements: earth, air, fire and water. Do I believe these "forces" attend my ritual? I didn't, but......

I've performed a couple of prosperity spells, created a prosperity charm over the last couple of weeks. I'm job hunting. Every little bit helps, right? Today, before the meeting, I got my mail and had only 2 pieces, neither of which were junk, and that's the first miracle. 

The second? They were both about money. One was DHS telling me I still have over $200.00 to spend by November of 2018. The other was a $10.00 gift card from a raffle I enter every time I go to therapy. 

I didn't think much of either of these things, except, "Oh, nice" until I got home and it struck me. Holy shitballs, did this shit actually fucking work? Did I somehow put forth that energy and it came back to me? 

I don't know, but I ran upstairs, invoked everything, thanked everyone and everything for the blessing and felt better for it. 

But here's the bigger miracle. 

A friend of mine is going through something pretty tough and she's in a place of anger (which means HURT) and she was dealing with something that I knew was going to be tough for her this evening. 

So I cleansed myself, prepared myself and my space for a healing spell, invoked all the powers that be and went about the ceremony. 

"Wrap (name) in cotton,

bind her in love,

protection from pain

surround like a glove.

Brightest of blessings

surround her this night

for she is cared for,

healing thoughts sent in flight."

Over and over and over, turning over my entire concentration to the chant and her face and where she is and sending the love to her. Over and over and over again and again and again. 

And it struck me. I finally understand prayer. Or at least, I understand it for me.

Not really. 

I've always thought prayer was stupid. Just call it what it is. Talking to yourself. That's all it is. You're not actually talking to God. But what you are doing is focusing your thoughts and energy on a person or thing. I'm all for that. I don't and haven't said, "I'll pray for you". What a lame fucking thing to say to a person. Sooooo, you're basically just thinking about me. Ok. How about you comfort me, lend me a shoulder to cry on, listen to me, help me in some tangible way? Please don't ever say to me "I'll pray for you" and then I never see or hear from you again. None of you do this, by the way. You might pray for me, sure, but you also call me, talk to me, listen to me, perform acts of service, etc, etc, etc. Thank you for all of that. 

Anywhoo, I got off on a tangent. 

During my chanting, I realized what prayer is (for me). It's getting me out of me. It's focusing my attention not on me but on someone or something else. My attention is almost exclusively on me almost all of the time. So if something can take me out of myself for even 30 minutes a day, to focus my intention on someone else and not just Amy Amy Amy, that's prayer to me. 

My da would be proud. 

Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

So.

To continue the ongoing, but hopefully over, drama of intimate relationships in AA....

I blocked AA guy's texts and phone calls after I made my apology to him and he flipped me off. I figured he wouldn't stop texting me. I was right because even though my phone doesn't show any text messages or phone calls (it will allow voicemails), my notification software still displays his contact image when he sends a text. I've since changed his contact image to

Just to be clear, I would never cause physical harm to anyone at any time.

But it is funny.

After his contact image showed up again after the Steelers v. Patriots game (he's a Pats fan, I'm Steelers, so I can only imagine what his message was....), I sent him a message letting him know I had blocked him and that I wasn't receiving any of his messages and that not engaging with each other is for the best and I wish him well. 

That worked because there's been no attempt at contact since.  Tho, it has only been one day.  Give him time to figure out another way to get at me.

Anywhoo, I chaired the meeting in my little hamlet yesterday morning as usual and was nervous as hell.  Because 1. I had no idea if this guy would have the balls to show up - I wouldn't have put it past him, and 2. I had decided to express my apologies to the group if I had caused any of them harm personally or if I had caused harm to the group (as he stated to me I did). 

He didn't show up, thank goodness.

I had written out what I wanted to say because if I had just spoken on the fly, I never would've gotten it all out.  I cried. Of course I cried. I felt like a fucking idiot for getting myself into this position. I was mortified. I was embarrassed. I was incredibly remorseful.

I basically apologized. I didn't use any names. I didn't go into any detail. I simply said I was sorry but that words were cheap and I hoped they would allow me the opportunity to show my true intent in walking through any door into an AA meeting - to stay sober, to be in fellowship with other alcoholics and to lend a helping hand when I can. 

I said that I knew my intentions had been questioned and even my sobriety and the length of my sobriety had been questioned.  While I would not discuss this individual because I believe in keeping people's confidences, I would be happy to share my personal story with anyone who wanted to hear it.

I'm not sure I've ever been so sorry....sober.  I don't know. I can't remember.  But I sure as hell am sorry for this.

Everybody that was there was supportive and helpful when it was their time to share and all said they would be back.  We'll see, I guess. 

I had said in order to rectify the situation, it might be best for me to step away from some meetings.  I know that I can compartmentalize things pretty easily, meaning, if he & I were both at a meeting (like last Saturday), I could pretty easily treat him like any other person in AA.  However, if he were to make any remarks or comments directed at me, I'm not sure I would have the ability to sit there and shut up.  You know me. *eye roll*  And I don't think he's able to compartmentalize like I can. So, it might be best for me to step away for a bit and let shit cool down.

I'm not in danger of drinking.  I don't think I am, anyway. I don't feel like I am. I have other meetings I can go to.  He's new-ish to the program. He needs those meetings more than I do.  He doesn't have a way to get to any other meetings. They're very important to him.  They're important to me, too, but less so.  So that seems like a way I can make a proper amends to him....by removing myself from some meetings so he's able to attend comfortably.  Not that he'll see it that way, but whatever.

I hated making that apology during a meeting, but what better time to do it than during an AA meeting, right? We're supposed to talk about what's weighing on our hearts in order to help us stay sober. We're supposed to share how we stay sober in spite of challenges. I felt a great sense of relief afterward. That makes me feel like it was a selfish thing to do.  I think most apologies are. They're difficult to make but I do them to release the anguish I feel for the mistakes I make. Carrying that guilt with me will surely send me to a drink. I don't really feel any guilt, tho. Or shame. I didn't intentionally cause harm. I didn't intentionally seek anyone out for sex (I have, don't get me wrong...just never at an AA meeting). What it comes down to is my intent. I didn't intentionally mean to do anyone wrong. I did, tho, and that's what I take responsibility for.

I've kept to myself today, tho I did go for an early morning walk just to get outside and get some exercise. I didn't feel like spending time in my basement was going to cut it this morning. I needed to breathe fresh air and enjoy the sparkle of frost on the trees and watch the sun rise. I can see how I could easily get down in the dumps if I don't keep at the things that I know work for me.  Not isolating. Staying busy. Being productive. Looking for work. Reaching out to friends. Actually spending time with them. Keeping a positive attitude. Exercise. Sleep. Eating healthy.

Yes, Christmas is going to be tough.  The folks are down south. We've already had our family Xmas. I don't have any plans except to watch holiday movies. It's just another day, right? That's how I have to look at it. It's just another day. What would I do any other Monday? Get my ass out of bed. Exercise. Get shit done. Take a nap. Get more shit done. Watch t.v. Read. Cuddle with Garfield. Enjoy the Xmas lights and decorations. Light some candles. Peace & Quiet. Bliss.

I'll have a meeting on Xmas Eve so there's that. And if shit gets really bad, the Big O has an Alcathon (a meeting every hour from 6PM Xmas Eve to 6PM Xmas Day).  If I get into a bad spot, I have plenty of people to reach out to who will help. 

I do want to give a shout out to "Amy's Friend" who texted me Saturday evening after reading my post. I appreciate anyone who can call me out on my shit...lovingly. Call me out on my shit any other way and I will fucking end you. But do it from a place of love and I am grateful to you. He did and I am.