"You fall in love with the people who make you love the person you are when you're around them."

YES! Exactly! If I'm dating someone and I constantly feel like a giant piece of shit around them or every time I'm with them, I struggle not to...ya know...throat punch them, then yah, I probably don't love you because I don't want to feel like that! I want to feel good when I'm with another person. Not like I might end up in jail.

And I've started telling men, "My solitary life is pretty damn good. I don't need a man. I want a companion. So you've gotta be pretty damn impressive for me to want to change my life. If you're not, or if you're just here for games, keep steppin'. I don't have time to waste on your sorry ass."

It's working well for me so far.


So, yah. I've been incommunicado for awhile, haven't I? It's been a struggle, but I think I've finally discovered the medication combination and time of day in which to swallow my copious drugs in order to feel like a somewhat sane person. I wasn't sleeping for quite awhile but I got a lot of shit decorated around the house.

Dining Room- Finally, an actual dining room

Dining Room wall

 A friend of mine from the church, ages ago, had gifted me a quilt she made with Maxine. I'm sure I've posted a picture of it here before. I had my desk against the newly decorated wall. I moved it upstairs awhile ago but needed to redecorate the wall for a more "dining room-like" feel instead of an office feel.

I got the window and shutters from Ben, repainted them, got the arrow & "&" sign from Target on clearance for $3.00 total and redecorated them for me, made the pineapple out of cardboard and fabric and made the "but first...coffee" sign.  Oh, and made the wreath to hang on one of the doors in the living room. Repurposed here. The dining room looks nice.

Redecorated doors & the accent chair arrived.

I redecorated the doors with a picture frame and a metal envelope hangy-thing I found at a thrift store. I didn't like the look of the 3 wreaths together so I moved one to my main entrance door and one to the dining room wall (mentioned above). The accent chair arrived.  My living room also feels like a lived-in room and also looks nice.  I did have to put industrial strength velcro on the bottom of the couch cushions to keep them from sliding out a bit and it's working great. The blanket's on the couch because Garfield's a shit and I'm not yet to the point where I don't care if she vomits on the new furniture.


My brother, Ben, sent me a picture of a sign he thought was funny and jokingly asked me if I'd make it for him. Of course I said yes. I also thought it was funny. He didn't think his fiance would go for it, but hey, I'm his sister. If I give him a gift, he (& she) would feel obligated to hang it.

One of the best signs I've made thus far!

I love it. I had a light piece of wood (don't ask me what kind of wood, no idea). I slapped on one coat of white, let it dry, slapped on a coat of a sage-green-kinda-color, let it dry and then slapped on a coat of an aqua color.  Then I lightly sanded the whole thing. Then added the decoration. I freaking love the color and how that turned out. I found the mandala's online, tweaked them to fit the board and went with it. Neat.


I had been wanting to find a couple of rocks to paint of god & goddess images and while a friend was putting steel mesh on 3 roof vents (to prevent bat intruders), I searched around my house for the perfect rocks and found them.

Me patting myself on the back, lol.

Who knew painting on rocks was so easy? Why haven't I been doing this the whole time? The only problem was, I had to free-hand sketch the images and I absolutely suck at drawing. However, these turned out pretty good for my lack of artistry skills, if I do say so myself!


I'm still working out at least 3 x's a week and I'm still doing the HIIT cardio & strength training and it's still kicking my ass. I love it. Tho, I now have to wear wraps on both knees to keep them from popping and locking and no, I'm not talking about the dance.

My ankles give out when I'm doing butt kickers, but once I'm through with those, they seem fine.

I'm just getting old and it sucks ass. But I've got the ass of a 20 year old.

Ok, maybe a 30 year old.

Alright, probably a 40 year old. But whatever. I've got an ass and I know I've got an ass because my clothes are fitting differently. I finally understand other women's complaint of finding jeans that are too big in the waist because they have to buy them big for their asses. Not that mine's large, by any means (at least I don't think it is), but it's certainly rounder than it has been. And I noticed the other day, formation of my trapezius muscles. I feel like I'm bulking up a bit without noticing the cut of muscle.  Because I have a layer of fat overlaying everything, lol. Put down the damn ice cream & peanut butter, Amy!


My AA meeting is progressing.  I asked the group last week what they thought about someone different volunteering to chair the meeting each week. They all agreed. It's uncommon for a chair of a meeting to relinquish control of that meeting, but I welcome it. I don't want it to be "my" meeting. I want it to be "our" meeting. I'll still be responsible for getting the key, opening the library, making coffee, etc, etc, etc....but someone else can take the reigns and lead the topic for the morning. This morning went well this way and I was more relaxed. I could just be "member Amy" instead of "leader Amy".

I'm not attending the local meetings as regularly as I had been. I realized what the difference between my city meetings and the small town meetings is.  At my city meetings, there's this expectation that "of course you're gonna make it! Of course you're gonna stay sober! No question about it!" but at the small town meetings, there's this "you're gonna die" mentality.  I don't need downers. I need uppers. I'm easily down enough on my own. I need to surround myself with people who make me love me, not who make me feel as if I'm going to die.  Yah. So I've been limiting my time around those sorts of people.

I've also been limiting my time around those who irritate the fucking hell out of me for whatever reason. It isn't healthy for me and it isn't healthy for them.  And why would I want to be around someone I don't like? Not everybody likes everybody, ya know? And that's okay! It's perfectly natural to connect with some people better than with others. Again, I want (& need) to be around people who make me feel good about myself, not like the giant piece of shit I think I am on a regular basis.

Speaking of, Mom & Dad have returned from their winter-long vacay South. They came back to cold, bitter winds, hail, rain, snow.  I'm sure they were thrilled. I wouldn't really know because I think we've seen each other two or three times since they returned 3 weeks ago, which I'm fine with. I tend to feel like I'm just an anchor around their necks so the less they have to see me to be reminded what a shit I am, the better for them and the better for me. I can pretend I'm a good person when I'm not around those who know better.

And on that note, I'm returning to work tomorrow. I'm just not thinking about it...but in preparation for an anxiety-filled week, I've done this:

My motivation wall

I decided I needed something I could see as soon as I wake up each morning that will remind me I'm a strong, kick-ass, do-anything, no fear, bad ass woman.

I've had the "Amy Dr" sign since my boyfriend stole it as a gift to me when I was 16. I've hauled it with me through 6 moves and 26 years of my life and it's mostly just sat around in odd places. It didn't even have holes in it to hang!  I bought the Stop sign at the Antique Walk a few years ago (as a rehab reminder to STOP thinking) and it has also sat around for those few years. The rest, I bought shitty frames at thrift stores for a few bucks, re-painted them and made the signs to insert.  Each sign makes me smile and reminds me why I started in the first place.

"Let go of that which no longer serves you." One of my most important thoughts the past couple of months.
"Go with a happy heart."
"You are Glorious."  I forget this way more than I remember it.
"Just fucking do it." Yep. Sums up everything.
"Nothing is going to change unless you make different choices." TRUE DAT.
"You Can Do This!"  I can. I really can.
"The universe gave you this gift. Do no squander it."  The universe did give me this gift. I asked and I received. Don't look a fucking gift horse in the mouth, you damn bitch. Accept what has been given to you!
"One small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day."  I believe in the power of thought.
"Don't think. Just do."  Thinking is my problem. Larry, who chaired my Wednesday meeting & has since passed on, used to point at the AA "Think, think, think" sign and tell me, "Amy, see that sign? That one is not for you."  I'll always remember Larry for that...and many other things.

My employer's HR woman has been incredibly empathetic and understanding and compassionate and supportive.  She wants me in that position. Gods knows why, but, again, don't look a damn gift horse in the mouth.  Do it. Don't think about it. Just do. I did ask her what she thought about me being part-time for awhile until I get back in the groove of things. I honestly think it'll help me transition to this thing people call "work" and do on a daily basis for the rest of their lives, lol.  She spoke to the merchandising head and they agreed I could work Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday until 5/21/18 and then go to full-time. It'll allow me to have Wednesday's off smack-dab in the middle of my work week to break up the drudgery and I'll be able to go to CB for my weekly meeting and to run errands and to just be.

I'm hopeful. For the first time in a long time, I'm hopeful. 

Sweet dreams and happy trails,
Me.

"I believe cats to be spirits come to earth. A cat, I am sure, could walk on a cloud without coming through." - Jules Verne

Once the decision is made up in my mind, it's made up. There's no turning back. Not for me.

I've decided to call the vet first thing in the morning and ask him to put Elvis down.

I keep trying to justify my decision in my own head:

He's had 17 fantastic years. I've got to spend 13 of them with him. He's had a full, full life. He's not enjoying himself. This isn't living. 

And then I remember petting him all day today and hearing him purr and rub his head against my hand and I think, "Is he? Does he?"

*sigh*

I wish he could talk.

At least our family's decision for Mom is out front & known: Pull the plug. Mine, too. Pull the damn plug.

I think it was appropriate for Mom to give me this the other day from her garage sale pile (i.e. Mom's Closet). I found a place for it yesterday:

My family tree.

Ah hell. I'm getting all teary. There's enough time for that tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. And the next. 

I made lunch today for Mom & Dad - the Cauliflower Mac-n-Cheese Ham Casserole. Much better this time around because I had heavy whipping cream. Who knew it'd make such a difference? And I even made a new dessert: 

Caramel Shortbread Bars

I'm not sure why they're called "Caramel" bars....The "caramel" is peanut butter. Hmmmm. And I didn't have xantham gum so I used an egg white instead. They turned out goooooood, though I wish I had a different almond flour. Mine is almond flour/meal and I think the "meal" makes a big difference. They're still delicious and while Mom & Dad had two pieces and me one, I'll finish the rest of the damn pan by myself. So, they're good. Oh yeah, they're good. 

I'm off to give more lovin' to Elvis....he's earned it.

Keep Calm and Find a Yard Sale - or Mom's Closet

Whoo hoo! Shopping brought to you today by Mom's Closet!

Obviously not the Lucky sign. Who would ever give that away?!? The stars, box, hanger, tree/pic frame.

 I have no idea where I'm going to put any of this...but I know I'll find a place! Or maybe not...I haven't found a place, yet, for the Lucky sign. I was thinking above a door?

Rug - Nice

Clothes, clothes & more clothes! 3 prs of jeans, 3 prs of capris, 3 coats, countless shirts!

After trying on the jeans & capris, I thought, "Maybe I should get rid of my size 3 capris. I think it's time to face up to the truth....I'll never see size 3 again...unless I get violently ill every day for a week. Then, maybe."  I swore (to myself) I'd not get rid of my jeans or capris or shorts that are now too small because I think, "What if I lose a bunch of weight? What if I get put on another stupid drug that makes me too nauseous to eat? Then I'll want those too-small-clothes." So, I'll compromise - I'll get rid of the capris I didn't really like anyway...but no jeans and no shorts. I've already boxed up all my jeans and my shorts so they're staying where they're at....until I need them again.

And the piece de resistance (say it French-like)

Very old scale & new cutting board!

This scale was my Dad's grandmother's...so my great-grandmother's. Mom said she weighed us kids on it when we were babies. My little tooshy was on that scale! Not today...Today I'd break it. Still....very cool.

And not to leave out Garfield:

Her new little Home-Sweet-Home - like she doesn't have 50 already.

She's busting it at the seams! 

Good thing the "roof" is velcroed to the base.

I don't know why, but every time I go shopping at Mom's Closet, it just makes my day. Probably because it's totally free and there's no pressure (except Mom saying, "Take it! Take it all!) and I can try on the clothes at home, in my closet and know I don't have to "take anything back". My mom has great taste....

From Garfield & Me (& Elvis, because when I'm happy, Elvis is happy), Thanks Mom!

"One day the weather is freezing, the next day it's burning up...it's like Mother Nature is on my cycle!" -Maxine

I did this today:

It looks like Jesus was saved by a horseshoe, but I had to do something. It had been bare too long and while it might snow tonight, I'm obviously ready for Spring. Snow can go screw itself at this point. I only used one horseshoe (I have a matching one) because I'm going to use the other to "burn" a wood sign "LUCKY" with the U as a horseshoe. I found a piece of crummy wood in Dad's garage (after hunting high & low for one - I found one as I was putting away the ladder...isn't that how it always goes?) I'm going to attempt to make this:

It won't look like this - at all - but there's this super easy technique to "burning" wood so I'm going to give it a go. If all else fails, I do have a wood-burning tool I can use. Be worried. Be very worried.

Yesterday was my "cheating" day and boy, did I go all out! Shan and I were going to lunch (I thought Mexican and is there an easy way to stay on this diet & eat Mexican? I don't think so...) so as soon as I woke up yesterday morning and realized I could cheat, I practically guzzled a soda. And then I was starving at 10 and realized I could (& should, to get rid of it) eat bread, I made 4 pieces of french toast. Two hours before lunch. I was really, really hungry. And then at lunch (we ended up at the local restaurant - no Mexican there...) I had a cheeseburger (that damn bun never tasted so good!) AND cheese balls. Mmmmmm, cheese balls. And I thought I'd be done for the day. I mean, how much more could I shove down my gullet? Apparently more. I finished off the turkey ham by having a ham sandwich at 9, followed by my almonds & chocolate chips. I'm pretty sure I ate every carb I possibly could yesterday. I really wanted mashed potatoes, but couldn't find any room in my stomach for them. Found room for everything else, though!

*sigh* It was so good.....

And now back to reality and water. I did find some water enhancer in pineapple/coconut flavor and one teeny-tiny drop does make a difference and only 1 carb, so that's a bonus.

I've been thinking a lot about a fence. I even "drew" one:

This is the "old" house but it was the best picture for this project.  That's Dad in the background. 

An artist I am not. But I just needed to do something proactive instead of sitting there, listening to them yell and cackle and baby crying and damn dog barking and me just seething....And here's the thing - their noise isn't constant. It's basically, during the week, three to four hours late afternoon to evening. The weekends are a different story - then I just want to pack up & move - but during the week, it's not constant. But when it happens, boy do I get livid - in my head. I'd never go off on someone. Shan & I were talking about that yesterday - I'm too damn polite or scared or passive. Instead, I just go crazy in my head. I guess that's a good thing. Anyway, I know fences are expensive and so are bushes and everything else I want to do outside my house and, hello? still jobless here, so nothing's going to change anytime soon, but it's nice to imagine how much better things would be.....with a fence. I should be surrounded by a fence at all times.

Tuesday morning, I was awake at 3:30am. Wide awake. Garfield probably growled & hissed at Elvis. Or Elvis sneezed in my face. Whatever it was - I was awake. I needed to get groceries at Walmart and rain was moving in and I didn't know how heavy it would be so I decided to throw on a baseball cap & go.

When you wake up that damn early, there are a lot of hours in the day to fill. It's daunting.

That's why, today, after waking up at 6:00am, I forced myself to sleep (I really twisted my arm) until 10:30. Luckily nobody needed me for anything today. It's not so daunting when you have fewer hours to fill in the day. It's almost 1 and I haven't even made lunch yet. This day is going to fly!