"You fall in love with the people who make you love the person you are when you're around them."

YES! Exactly! If I'm dating someone and I constantly feel like a giant piece of shit around them or every time I'm with them, I struggle not to...ya know...throat punch them, then yah, I probably don't love you because I don't want to feel like that! I want to feel good when I'm with another person. Not like I might end up in jail.

And I've started telling men, "My solitary life is pretty damn good. I don't need a man. I want a companion. So you've gotta be pretty damn impressive for me to want to change my life. If you're not, or if you're just here for games, keep steppin'. I don't have time to waste on your sorry ass."

It's working well for me so far.


So, yah. I've been incommunicado for awhile, haven't I? It's been a struggle, but I think I've finally discovered the medication combination and time of day in which to swallow my copious drugs in order to feel like a somewhat sane person. I wasn't sleeping for quite awhile but I got a lot of shit decorated around the house.

Dining Room- Finally, an actual dining room

Dining Room wall

 A friend of mine from the church, ages ago, had gifted me a quilt she made with Maxine. I'm sure I've posted a picture of it here before. I had my desk against the newly decorated wall. I moved it upstairs awhile ago but needed to redecorate the wall for a more "dining room-like" feel instead of an office feel.

I got the window and shutters from Ben, repainted them, got the arrow & "&" sign from Target on clearance for $3.00 total and redecorated them for me, made the pineapple out of cardboard and fabric and made the "but first...coffee" sign.  Oh, and made the wreath to hang on one of the doors in the living room. Repurposed here. The dining room looks nice.

Redecorated doors & the accent chair arrived.

I redecorated the doors with a picture frame and a metal envelope hangy-thing I found at a thrift store. I didn't like the look of the 3 wreaths together so I moved one to my main entrance door and one to the dining room wall (mentioned above). The accent chair arrived.  My living room also feels like a lived-in room and also looks nice.  I did have to put industrial strength velcro on the bottom of the couch cushions to keep them from sliding out a bit and it's working great. The blanket's on the couch because Garfield's a shit and I'm not yet to the point where I don't care if she vomits on the new furniture.


My brother, Ben, sent me a picture of a sign he thought was funny and jokingly asked me if I'd make it for him. Of course I said yes. I also thought it was funny. He didn't think his fiance would go for it, but hey, I'm his sister. If I give him a gift, he (& she) would feel obligated to hang it.

One of the best signs I've made thus far!

I love it. I had a light piece of wood (don't ask me what kind of wood, no idea). I slapped on one coat of white, let it dry, slapped on a coat of a sage-green-kinda-color, let it dry and then slapped on a coat of an aqua color.  Then I lightly sanded the whole thing. Then added the decoration. I freaking love the color and how that turned out. I found the mandala's online, tweaked them to fit the board and went with it. Neat.


I had been wanting to find a couple of rocks to paint of god & goddess images and while a friend was putting steel mesh on 3 roof vents (to prevent bat intruders), I searched around my house for the perfect rocks and found them.

Me patting myself on the back, lol.

Who knew painting on rocks was so easy? Why haven't I been doing this the whole time? The only problem was, I had to free-hand sketch the images and I absolutely suck at drawing. However, these turned out pretty good for my lack of artistry skills, if I do say so myself!


I'm still working out at least 3 x's a week and I'm still doing the HIIT cardio & strength training and it's still kicking my ass. I love it. Tho, I now have to wear wraps on both knees to keep them from popping and locking and no, I'm not talking about the dance.

My ankles give out when I'm doing butt kickers, but once I'm through with those, they seem fine.

I'm just getting old and it sucks ass. But I've got the ass of a 20 year old.

Ok, maybe a 30 year old.

Alright, probably a 40 year old. But whatever. I've got an ass and I know I've got an ass because my clothes are fitting differently. I finally understand other women's complaint of finding jeans that are too big in the waist because they have to buy them big for their asses. Not that mine's large, by any means (at least I don't think it is), but it's certainly rounder than it has been. And I noticed the other day, formation of my trapezius muscles. I feel like I'm bulking up a bit without noticing the cut of muscle.  Because I have a layer of fat overlaying everything, lol. Put down the damn ice cream & peanut butter, Amy!


My AA meeting is progressing.  I asked the group last week what they thought about someone different volunteering to chair the meeting each week. They all agreed. It's uncommon for a chair of a meeting to relinquish control of that meeting, but I welcome it. I don't want it to be "my" meeting. I want it to be "our" meeting. I'll still be responsible for getting the key, opening the library, making coffee, etc, etc, etc....but someone else can take the reigns and lead the topic for the morning. This morning went well this way and I was more relaxed. I could just be "member Amy" instead of "leader Amy".

I'm not attending the local meetings as regularly as I had been. I realized what the difference between my city meetings and the small town meetings is.  At my city meetings, there's this expectation that "of course you're gonna make it! Of course you're gonna stay sober! No question about it!" but at the small town meetings, there's this "you're gonna die" mentality.  I don't need downers. I need uppers. I'm easily down enough on my own. I need to surround myself with people who make me love me, not who make me feel as if I'm going to die.  Yah. So I've been limiting my time around those sorts of people.

I've also been limiting my time around those who irritate the fucking hell out of me for whatever reason. It isn't healthy for me and it isn't healthy for them.  And why would I want to be around someone I don't like? Not everybody likes everybody, ya know? And that's okay! It's perfectly natural to connect with some people better than with others. Again, I want (& need) to be around people who make me feel good about myself, not like the giant piece of shit I think I am on a regular basis.

Speaking of, Mom & Dad have returned from their winter-long vacay South. They came back to cold, bitter winds, hail, rain, snow.  I'm sure they were thrilled. I wouldn't really know because I think we've seen each other two or three times since they returned 3 weeks ago, which I'm fine with. I tend to feel like I'm just an anchor around their necks so the less they have to see me to be reminded what a shit I am, the better for them and the better for me. I can pretend I'm a good person when I'm not around those who know better.

And on that note, I'm returning to work tomorrow. I'm just not thinking about it...but in preparation for an anxiety-filled week, I've done this:

My motivation wall

I decided I needed something I could see as soon as I wake up each morning that will remind me I'm a strong, kick-ass, do-anything, no fear, bad ass woman.

I've had the "Amy Dr" sign since my boyfriend stole it as a gift to me when I was 16. I've hauled it with me through 6 moves and 26 years of my life and it's mostly just sat around in odd places. It didn't even have holes in it to hang!  I bought the Stop sign at the Antique Walk a few years ago (as a rehab reminder to STOP thinking) and it has also sat around for those few years. The rest, I bought shitty frames at thrift stores for a few bucks, re-painted them and made the signs to insert.  Each sign makes me smile and reminds me why I started in the first place.

"Let go of that which no longer serves you." One of my most important thoughts the past couple of months.
"Go with a happy heart."
"You are Glorious."  I forget this way more than I remember it.
"Just fucking do it." Yep. Sums up everything.
"Nothing is going to change unless you make different choices." TRUE DAT.
"You Can Do This!"  I can. I really can.
"The universe gave you this gift. Do no squander it."  The universe did give me this gift. I asked and I received. Don't look a fucking gift horse in the mouth, you damn bitch. Accept what has been given to you!
"One small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day."  I believe in the power of thought.
"Don't think. Just do."  Thinking is my problem. Larry, who chaired my Wednesday meeting & has since passed on, used to point at the AA "Think, think, think" sign and tell me, "Amy, see that sign? That one is not for you."  I'll always remember Larry for that...and many other things.

My employer's HR woman has been incredibly empathetic and understanding and compassionate and supportive.  She wants me in that position. Gods knows why, but, again, don't look a damn gift horse in the mouth.  Do it. Don't think about it. Just do. I did ask her what she thought about me being part-time for awhile until I get back in the groove of things. I honestly think it'll help me transition to this thing people call "work" and do on a daily basis for the rest of their lives, lol.  She spoke to the merchandising head and they agreed I could work Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday until 5/21/18 and then go to full-time. It'll allow me to have Wednesday's off smack-dab in the middle of my work week to break up the drudgery and I'll be able to go to CB for my weekly meeting and to run errands and to just be.

I'm hopeful. For the first time in a long time, I'm hopeful. 

Sweet dreams and happy trails,
Me.

"Since when does grass need to be manicured. Is it going to prom or something?" -Maxine

Mowing was harder today. I don't know why. My arms, especially my forearms & hands, got really tired! I'm so old. Today's the first day I'm properly clothed in a week & a 1/2 and so far, it's been o.k. I'm not naked yet, so that's a good sign. I'm just so damn tired!

Did I tell you I took some old windows & shutters from my brother's fire-house? Well, I did and they've been sitting in my garage, waiting for me to figure out what to do with them. I painted one shutter and would like to screw some coat-hooks onto it and hang it by my side door...but I've only gotten so far as to paint it. 

But today I started AND finished this....

I cannot take a straight picture to save my life!

Nor can I hang anything straight, apparently, either.

I cleaned up one of the old windows - didn't bother painting it because I like the way it looks - and Dad staple-gunned fabric to the back of it. I hung it. It may fall directly onto my t.v. but I think it's hung pretty solidly. Unless we get a massive earthquake in Iowa, I think it'll be o.k. And since I had to hang it from studs, I had an open space to the side so I filled it with that picket-fence-thingy.

I realized the other day - everything hung in my bedroom was horizontal. It started to drive me a little bit crazy and annoyed me to no end, so that's why I decided to hang the window & fence vertically. The "craziness" is what really motivated me to do something with that window.

Now what?

A nap. Definitely a nap.

A Tribute to the King

Better days...

And all his antics...

He used to love laying on me like this...

I wonder why cats think they can fit into small space?

He went crazy over the movie "Bolt". Silly cat.

Such a chill boy. 

At the apartment, broke into the cupboard and pushed the tool drawer out. So strong!

And these last days....

After his haircut...

How is he breathing?

Has to be right on the edge...

And today...

I started this blog this morning...before taking Elvis to the vet. I knew I wouldn't want to do much when I got home. I knew my eyes would be just about swollen shut from crying and I'd have a headache and all I'd want to do was curl up into bed.

I was partly right. I have bawled my eyes out. I got home from burying him at Mom & Dad's (death is a very solitary thing, I've decided) and I just sat in my car (with the engine off!) and sobbed & sobbed & sobbed. It was as if my grief was a solid mass of tears and I was trying to purge it all at once. I just sat there & cried. I didn't want to get out of the car. If I got out of the car, then I'd go in the house, and if I went in the house, I'd see Elvis wasn't there to greet me and I'd have to face it that he wasn't ever going to greet me again. Ah, god, that was so damn hard.

But I made it in the house and I started washing all the blankets & pillows & towels that had been his "landing pads" and sleeping pads. I was washing him out. And then I rearranged my bedroom. I've wanted to do this for awhile now but didn't because I didn't want to confuse him and now I needed to do it because the way it was reminded me too much...I needed different.

So I went from this:

Bed on North wall. 

to this:

Bed on East wall. 

My cable is using about 3 splitters to reach the NW wall (that's why I'd set the room up the way I had it before..) but it works.

And now I'm going to eat my lunch, finish the laundry and crawl into bed....and see if Garfield realizes she has the run of the house.