"When she was down, she was very, very down. But when she was high, she could fly."

I am so exhausted, I start to think I'm going crazy-er. Crazier. I think I've slept 5 hours in the past 48. At this morning's meeting, I read the topic and then was just at a loss. Like, for once, I have nothing to say. How odd is that? I'm in a fog. Yet, I can't lay down and when I collapse onto the sofa, I only sleep for a little bit. I haven't slept in my bed the past 2 or 3 nights. I just can't. I don't know why. It's the oddest thing and I can't explain it at all except to say that it's insanity.

Yesterday was an okay day. I went to the meeting and did share...bawling, of course, like an idiot. I shared not the personal private stuff going on but just that this is the most dangerous place for me to be and if I call, please answer. I haven't had to call anyone, but I have. I've spoken to Aunt Hope. What a lifeline she is. I talked to Dad this morning but not about me. He's too sick to worry or think about me, according to me. He has enough stress with both him and Mom being ill, I didn't want to add to it. Plus, I'm afraid to talk to them about what's going on. I'm afraid they're going to tell me what a burden I am on them, emotionally and financially. I'm afraid they're going to tell me they're just going to stay South until I get my poop in a group. I'm afraid they'll turn their backs on me. And why wouldn't they?

I'm getting negative. Sorry.

Back to yesterday - I spoke first during the meeting. And then several people who spoke after basically said the same thing - "If you don't do (insert AA shit here), you'll die." If I don't have a spiritual experience, I'll die. If I don't turn it over to my higher power, I'll die. If I don't talk to others in recovery, I'll die. If I don't work the Steps, I'll die.

I listened politely. I smiled at them. And then I went about my day. I can't recall a single thing said yesterday that was actually helpful.

I helped Ben with some stuff and then hauled 4 old doors, 2 pallets and 2 old windows home with me. I'm sick of hauling stuff, but thank Dad, we have his truck!  Here's what I did with 3 of the old doors.

I'm going to hang a wreath on the center door. Something Spring-y. And maybe some of Mom's quilts from the others. I don't know. I like it. It works for me. 

I worked out last night which was awesome. I hadn't in a few days. It felt good. And I had a revelation during the cool down period. 

Religion and AA are very, very similar.  I realized that they both use fire & brimstone to make their members toe the line. Religion says you must invite and welcome Jesus Christ into your heart in order to have life everlasting. AA says you must invite and welcome your higher power into your heart in order to stay sober & live. Religion says if you don't, you will burn in hell for life everlasting. AA says if you don't, you'll die. Religion says we are all born in sin. We're all full of sin. In order to cleanse ourselves, we must be baptized and, again, accept JC as our savior. AA says we're all totally and completely flawed. We're full of resentment, anger, bitterness, self-centeredness, self-will-run-riot is their favorite saying. We're basically just shit in religion and AA. And both of them say we will suffer the severest of consequences if we don't just do what they tell us to do! 

It's all so ridiculous and unhelpful. 

“And what do we get for our faith? For the centuries we’ve given this church or that one our gifts of blood and treasure? The assurance that heaven is waiting for us at the end of it all, and when we get there, the punchline will be explained and we’ll say, ‘Oh yeah! Now I get it.’ That’s the big payoff. It’s dinned into our ears from our earliest days: heaven, heaven, heaven! We will see our lost children, our dear mothers will take us in their arms! That’s the carrot. The stick we’re beaten with is hell, hell, hell! A Sheol of eternal damnation and torment. We tell children as young as my dear lost son that they stand in danger of eternal fire if they steal a piece of penny candy or lie about how they got their new shoes wet.

There’s no proof of these after-life destinations; no backbone of science; there is only the bald assurance, coupled with our powerful need to believe that it all makes sense. But as I stood in the back room of Peabody’s [Funeral Home] and looked down at the mangled remains of my boy, who wanted to go to Disneyland much more than he wanted to go to heaven, I have a revelation. Religion is the theological equivalent of a quick-buck insurance scam, where you pay in your premium year after year, and then, when you need the benefits you paid for so –pardon the pun- so religiously, you discover the company that took your money does not, in fact, exist.” King, Stephen, Revival, pgs 72-73.

Couldn't have said it better myself. 

I don't believe in a higher power. I don't believe in a diety. I believe in my goddamn determination to stay sober, which is the only fucking thing that has kept me so the past 5 days. All I have to do is play the tape through...if I took a drink, I wouldn't stop. I'd drink to oblivion. And it wouldn't be one time. It would be ALL THE TIME. I'd ruin what relationships I have. I'd hurt my family and friends and AA. I'd drink until I died....or worse. Because, to me, there are worse things than death. Loss of everything, loss of family & friends, loss of home, loss of security, loss of love...and having to live with that. 

Drinking doesn't solve anything; it only makes it worse. And staying sober is a helluva lot easier than getting sober. Damn skippy.

So, yah, if I didn't work all the tools in my toolbox, with my own self-will & determination, I'd be drinking right now. Instead, I called friends & family. I went to meetings. I did yoga & meditated. I've stayed busy (I better since I have all these goddamn hours to fill in my day), I called my sponsor and texted her. Am I perfect? No. Definitely not. Obviously not. But I don't consider myself born in sin, nor want or need to focus on my flaws. What I need is focus on positives, because that's the hardest thing for me to do.

This may be the beginning of the end for me & AA. I want to go back to my AA, where I'm not judged, I'm not told I have to do this or that or I'll die, where people accept me and embrace me and aren't so closed-minded, where AA isn't the end-all, be-all, where there are other resources to use to continue this life of sobriety. I want that more than anything. However, I won't make any decision regarding AA in this current mental state. I will take my time and let life flow and see where I end up. I'm okay with that.

I'm still not sleeping and my body is wearing down and my brain isn't working as great as it used to and I feel like I'm not the same person I was last week or even 3 days ago. And maybe that's okay...maybe it's not. I don't know much of anything today. I'm full of hope that I will sleep tonight and I will wake up tomorrow morning refreshed and full of vigor. But if not, I have a plan to call my med-check nurse and get this shit taken care of. A person can't continue like this for very long.

With that, dear friends, I'll bid you good day and peaceful night.

Love you more,
Me