Did I write about March being a bad month for me, traditionally, throughout my life? And how I found several websites about Reverse SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and how I thought, "Finally! A reason!"
Yeah, well, now I think there's a strong correlation between seasonal allergies and depression. I'm not saying everybody with allergies gets depressed and I'm certainly not saying depression causes allergies. That'd be ridiculous, right?
I am saying, however, that having allergies (if that's what this is, which I assume so) makes me fatigued and sleepy and sick with a headache, body aches, coughing, runny nose, stuffy nose, sneezing...and that all of that leads to feeling mentally unwell - somehow "less than" normal people, worthless, hopeless. I want to crawl into bed and stay there. I contemplate ending my life because what's the point if I'm never going to make it as an adult? What am I doing, exactly? Who am I benefiting by existing? Why would any employer hire me? Why do my friends even care about me? I'm nothing. I'm nobody.See how quickly that all happens? Jesus. It's no wonder I've been in therapy most of my adult life.
BUT! There is hope.
Somehow, even though I know when I get physically ill, my mental health quickly follows suit, reading a bunch of scientific studies on-line about the relationship between allergies and depression made me feel....better.
Now, do I feel better because it's Friday and I don't have to worry about going to work or not going to work for 2 days? Do I feel better because I can breathe even though my head hurts and my chest hurts and I'm still coughing...being able to breathe through my nose makes me feel like I'm returning to "normal"? Do I feel better because I literally slept all day? Do I feel better because I took a bath with epsom salt & essential oils? Do I feel better because I rubbed said essential oils on my chest to release the tightness? Do I feel better because I did some peaceful yoga? Do I feel better because Pysch is on t.v.?
Maybe it's all of those things. Maybe it's none of those things. Who the fuck knows?
I'm not saying my thoughts have suddenly cleared and I'm all "happy, happy, joy, joy" because I'm not. But for tonight, at least, I don't feel like I'm going to have any more suicidal thoughts. I'm focusing my thoughts on the positive and am grateful for this day, as shitty as its been. I'm especially grateful for this blog and the ability to share without actually having to speak and for all of you who help bring me back to sanity. I'm grateful for this beautiful house and for Garfield and for all of my friends & family and for a job I don't deserve and for exercise and yoga and meditation and candles and incense and Spring and the sound of birds and for early mornings and for late nights...
And now my boss just texted me asking if I went back to the doctor today which I did consider but did not do, tho I did call my shrink and left a message to call me back because I need to get a handle on this depression and didn't hear anything back from her, so..... now the anxiety is back and I'm feeling like the shittiest person on earth and I don't want to lie to my boss but I don't necessarily want to tell her exactly what I'm going through either. Why do I have to make everything so damn hard?
Here are some articles I read about allergies & depression:
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/12/health/12really.html
https://www.achooallergy.com/learning/the-link-between-allergies-depression/
http://www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/04/20/allergies.depression.moods/index.html
